Upgrade Update

new spring again 2014 tulips 013

Recently I got a magnetic implant, installed by Steve Haworth. It is a form of body modification which allows me to sense magnetic fields.

As a lesser feature, it also allows me to pick up metal objects like the safety pin pictured above.

Other people have had the surgery and they have written about it. But this is just my personal take on my little upgrade.
It’s like this;

When I first started playing the Google Augmented reality game called Ingress, it was hard.

I had to walk around in the REAL world while also walking around in game.

And my brain couldn’t do it! I could focus on the things around me, or the game. I could switch quickly from one to the other. But I couldn’t do both at once.

My brain could only comprehend my place in space and time in ONE universe at once while walking.

And then one day it learned.

I literally felt my mind expand.

Screen shot from Ingress

Screen shot from Ingress

Suddenly; I could walk around in game AND in the real world simultaneously. I built new neural pathways and I felt it happen.

The magnet is the same.

At first it was a tingle whenever I was near a magnetic field.

And it took whole seconds for me to realize that the tingle I felt was caused by the magnet in my finger, and to make the connection.

“Oh yes! (Said my brain very slowly). We have a new sense!”

But little by little it is realizing what is happening faster and faster.

Someday, it will feel natural like processing visual data.


Everyone asks me why I did it. I can offer no explanation except to say, if it doesn’t sound cool to you yet, then I can’t explain it to you.

But I can assure you that I haven’t had any negative side effects worth mentioning, and that so far I think it’s an amazing experience!

I guess if there is any downside it was that the installation and healing was a bit of a pain.

I guess if there is any downside it was that the installation and healing was a bit of a pain.

What About Love?



I have posted several blog entries about how poly relationships work. But I guess I mostly only talked about managing jealousy and having safe sex. I never talked about love.

A recent article a friend posted on Facebook suggested that you can only love one person at once. This is one of the two vanilla stereotypes that make me crazy. There are two:

1. You can only really love one person at once.

2. There is a ONE perfect person out there for you, and you must search for “the one” where everything just “feels right” with them.


First let’s talk about loving more than one person at once.

I love my husband and he’s currently stuck in school where I can’t be, so I have to spend a lot of time chatting with him online and making skype dates. And it’s more than that; I troll the internet searching for naked pictures of hot Asian women in bondage gear to send him. I save links to articles he would enjoy and send them to him when he wakes up. I think of him every moment of every day and I think of ways to make him happy.

I also maintain several boyfriends who are long-distance. I keep in touch with them because we dated and it was fun, but then we had to move away for work. And now we live apart, but I didn’t stop loving them and they presumably didn’t stop loving me. So we e-mail and text and keep in touch. I call these “to be continued” relationships, because if we lived in the same place, we would presumably pick up where we left off.

In addition, I have two boyfriends here in Oregon. And while neither of them are long-term material for various reasons, I can’t have lots of sex and fun moments and cool adventures with someone without growing to love them. I’m not made of stone.


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I even have an ex that I am still ridiculously in love with and talk to all the time. (Yes, my husband knows.) Usually no one achieves “ex” status because I move around a lot and when I have to leave a place, I don’t stop loving the people there. You can’t break up with someone without a fight, in my opinion.

An ex involves a breakup. And Mr. Geek and I had a break up; maybe the worst one I’ve ever had. We even fought, which I don’t do with most people. And that doesn’t change how I feel at all, cuz I still love him to death and he knows it.

That is not all the relationships I am maintaining. There’s more. But, those are just the main ones. And this does not include friends, family, or the 300 Christmas cards I send every year. This doesn’t include lots of people who take up my time. I have never had sex with my drinking buddy here, but we still go out to lunch and spend lots of time together, so it still counts as a relationship that takes time to maintain.

In the article written by the judgmental vanilla guy, the claim is that you can not love more than one person at a time because really loving someone takes all the hours in a day.

Well, I have been in that kind of relationship. The kind where you ignore your family and friends and spend all your time with ONE person. You blow off girls night out and D&D (or whatever you do for fun) and you just spend all your time staring into the eyes of “the love of your life” all day. It is very unhealthy to behave in this manner. We all did it in High School and remember what happened? Remember how inconsolable you were when you broke up with your High School sweetheart?

Love like that has no balance. When one person is the focus of all your energy you become obsessive, jealous, paranoid, and delusional. Your imagination runs away with you every time they smile at another person. You worry about where they are when they are not with you. You insist that you would kill yourself if they died because you could’t live without them. This is not healthy behavior. This is High School behavior, and you’re meant to grow out of it.


love-2 (1)

Part of growing up is learning to maintain more than one relationship at once. This means you still see your friends even when you start dating someone new. You still call your mom. You still participate in your hobbies (whatever they may be.) You don’t loose yourself in every new relationship, because as you get older you learn that you need to keep your life in balance and never let one aspect of it overtake the whole.

And yes, some people never get as far as balancing more than one intimate relationship. For some, one is all they need and all they can handle. And that is okay. I am not judging that lifestyle.

But for some of us, it’s not like that. Some of us love more than one person at a time. And neither of those lifestyles is more valid or “real” than the other.


And now to say just a few words about “The One.”

This is a concept that is constantly reinforced all over society. You see it in movies and sitcoms and you hear people say it. “She wasn’t ‘The One.’” or “Well if he’s ‘The One’ you should get married.”

Look people; this is a mythical idea created by Disney and its not okay. You do not have ONE person who is the other half of you and that you must search forever to find. And when you find them it’s not going to be all magical and easy because love is hard work if you want to keep it, no matter who you are in love with. Love that lasts requires always courting the other person, and you must never stop bringing flowers and telling them that they are beautiful. You must never stop thinking of them when you are apart and finding little ways to show them you care. Because if you stop maintaining a relationship with anyone, no matter how compatible you are, it will die.

There certainly are degrees of compatibility. I am not terribly compatible with a football fan who is vanilla and doesn’t like to hike or watch geeky movies. Meanwhile, give me a goth kid who is a freak between the sheets, intelligent, and likes to ride roller coasters and I melt into a puddle on the floor. I swear I swoon every time I see Elon Musk speak. A D&D geek who builds spaceships is maybe the sexist thing on Earth!

So, you know, you are going to be more compatible with some people than with others in terms of interests and such.




And then there is chemistry. You’re going to have it with some people and not with others. Scientists speculate that it has to do with a woman’s ability to smell a good genetic match, and that “chemistry” is the feeling of someone you would make healthy babies with. That may well be a big part of chemistry. Who knows? But it’s a thing you won’t have with everyone, even if you may like the same movies and have the same interests.

So there are people you fit better with than others. And if you’re going to get married you should certainly choose the one you get along best with. I married my best friend and we have great chemistry and similar ideas about the world, as well as a few common interests. We have great conversations and we’re able to reason through rough patches without fighting.

But that doesn’t mean that I am going to build it up in my head and say that my husband is ‘The One’ because that is nonsense.

Here’s what you do; you pick someone and you say “I want you.”

That’s all.

There’s no big secret and no one person that is perfect for you. You just pick a person and you decide to make it work with them, and then you do.

Maybe those of us in the BDSM community are farther removed from the Disney ideals. I don’t know. But my friends know this stuff, and it isn’t until I watch a sitcom or talk to some vanilla folks that I even remember this stuff is out there.

So please, can we just admit that love, with anyone, needs to be maintained to last? And if you really love more than one person, you can put in that maintenance. It really is that simple.


Used As a Toy


Not too terribly long ago, I went to visit my favorite pet. I’ve written several scenes involving him on this blog, and I hope you won’t mind one more.

I was too lazy to use rope on him. I simply had him strip, and then put leather cuffs on his ankles and wrists. I linked them together with clips.

(*Which you can buy along with almost anything at stockroom.com. I don’t have any affiliation with them, but I do dig their selection and they are very discrete. )


After he was tied up I blindfolded him and spent some time teasing him. I played with his penis, fingered his ass a little, and nibbled on his ears. I felt myself starting to get all dripping wet, the way I do when I tie him up and tease him. So, I rubbed my wet pussy against his leg and whispered “I can’t believe how horny it makes me to tease you like this…” He trembled as he felt the lips of my pussy brush all along his legs. And I said “What should I do next, my pretty pet?”

He answered “Whatever you want.”

I thought about un-cuffing his wrists from his ankles so I could stretch him out and ride him for awhile. But then I thought, “He did say whatever I want, so maybe I’ll just ignore him and spend some time on myself…”

I rolled over on my back and started to rub my wet fingers on my clit. I could feel it swell and become harder as it filled with blood. I moaned.

Poor pet, blindfolded and stuck on his back with his ankles and wrists locked to each other, was completely unable to make a move to join me. He struggled against the cuffs, but they were too strong. He pleaded with me, “Oh mistress, let me help!” but I ignored him.

I reached for my dildo and stuck it in my ass, pinning it against the mattress under me. I started to move against it, but not thrust the way a guy would. Just a gentle grinding that hit all the nice spots inside of me. I kept moaning while listening to pets’ pleas.

It was then that I decided I needed another dildo.

Since I did not have one, I decided to use my pet. I un-clipped his ankles from his feet, while keeping his ankles clipped to one another and his wrists clipped to one another. This gave him just enough freedom of movement to follow my instructions as I told him: “Get on top of me and slide inside of me, but do not thrust. Hold completely still.”

I then began to grind softly against both his cock and the dildo, moving just enough to massage my clit on the inside while I rubbed the outside.

Pet tried to start thrusting but I grabbed the riding crop by the bed and hit his ass with so much force that the whole room echoed and I screamed “Bad pet! You are just my little fuck toy, do you understand? I am not here for you to get off. You are here for ME to get off, and for that to happen I need you to hold still.”


He held still then, but made sad little whimpering noises while I continued to grind softly against him and the dildo, until I finally came up to the edge of orgasm, and spilled wonderfully over into twitchy happiness.

Once I recovered, I whispered softly in Pet’s ear: “Good pet. You’ve done well. And as your reward, you may fuck me now, as hard as you want.”

After such an intense orgasm, his thrusting inside me felt amazing. I let him ride me as hard and fast as he could until he finally asked me “Mistress, may I cum now?”

“Yes pet, I said softly. Yes, you may cum now.”

He shuddered and fell on top of me. I unhooked the clips that bound his wrists and ankles, but left the cuffs on.

He would remember, as long as we laid in that bed, that I owned him and he was my toy.


I Have Been Upgraded


So I headed out to Deep Roots Tattoo shop in Seattle, Washington last week. My purpose was to obtain a tiny magnet, implanted in the skin of my ring finger. I wrote about Steve Haworth before, and the cool body modifications he does.

Of course now, I am having a little bit of trouble typing, so I’ll keep this short:

After m finger was numbed with ice, a small cut was made and the magnet slipped in. Then a stitch was put in my finger to hold the wound closed.


This implant, when healed, will allow me to sense magnetic fields. I am super-excited about it, and I will let you all know how it goes once I’m healed and can type easily again.

I know this isn’t strictly BDSM related, but I wanted to share this adventure, and I do feel like many folks in the community are into body modification. (Or at least, that has been my experience.)

Steve is doing an East Coast tour in a few weeks, so if you are interested in getting your own upgrades, make sure to check him out!

And don’t worry; when I’m all healed up I’ll let you know how the magnet is working out.


The Art of Burlesque


When I was in Seoul I threw some fetish proms with my very good friend Chris Backe. We had some great performers for our events, and one of my favorites was a troupe called White Lies Burlesque. In my travels to various places and in my career in promotions, I have noticed that most fetish events and parties end up booking a burlesque troupe.


Now I recently went to a burlesque show at The Lovecraft in Portland, and it got me thinking about why burlesque and kink are so often intertwined.

To start, what is burlesque? It can be hard to explain to the vanilla world sometimes. Yes, it is women taking their clothes off. But no, it is not strippers. I guess the main difference is that it is a more sex positive environment. It is a show, with performers who have talents from fan dance to acting, and they usually have a theme to their act. The girls from white lies had several bits that were wonderful and funny, such as the girl who would put blown up balloons all over her naked body, and then let people pop them one by one. Or the girl who did a dance with a cake that involved her eventually getting covered in it. I know, it sounds weird, but it’s a fun environment with lots of cheering and laughter and good-natured cat calls.

Think about a strip club (only North Americans know what I am talking about here but bear with me). There is loud music and a loud DJ who drones on from his booth, sounding like an announcer at a sporting event. There are a bunch of sullen looking guys and a girl on stage in high-heels, who comes out in some skimpy thing and takes it off slowly. No one cheers. The men look like wolves watching a sheep.

burlesque 4

Now a strip club is similar to burlesque, in that it is girls getting naked that you can’t have sex with. I know this is an American thing and I know it’s weird to my European and Asian friends who do not understand why you would pay to see a girl naked instead of paying to have sex with a girl. And I can not explain that, though I have tried over many bottles of whiskey in bars all over the world. I don’t know why we like it, but we do. And it isn’t JUST us. The Japanese have Geisha, who do NOT have sex with the men they entertain. And burlesque is originally French, so obviously at some point someone in Europe thought a brothel wasn’t the only option.


Burlesque is about the tease. It’s about the joy of cheering while I girl does some awesome dance routine or kink routine, and laughing with your friends over cocktails. It’s not at all like a strip club, sex club, brothel, or anything else. It’s a unique and more classy experience, and it’s just a fun thing to do with your friends.


So the highlight of my night at The Lovecraft (Burlesque show on the first Tuesday of every month, if you’re in the area) was a performer called Morgue Anne, who stripped out of a straight jacket. I’d never seen anything like it, and I thought it was a wonderful performance. But don’t take MY word for it, because you can watch her.

Burlesque is unique for this reason. Where else are you going to see a girl wiggle out of a leather straight jaket or do a fan dance? It’s just not a common thing. And it should be, because it really is good fun.

As far as how kink relates to burlesque, I can only imagine it is because kinky folks like things a little more interesting than JUST naked girls. And we also appreciate more sex-positive experiences like burlesque.


Ron Jeremy’s Club Sesso in Portland


I recently went to Club Sesso, which is a sex club in Portland owned by Ron Jeremy. Club Sesso is billed as Portland’s “upscale” swingers club. And I must admit, the art on the walls is nice, the walls themselves are nice, and the place is very polished and well designed. It does look very classy. I enjoyed the signs on the walls reminding people not too be creepy, since I think sometimes people at sex clubs DO need reminding of that fact, and I was very impressed with the fancy showers and the buffet of food.


Now, I went on a kink night, which is different than their other nights. They have pajama parties and other themes, and most days it’s a black tie kind of affair that people get really dressed up for. But on Kink night I’m told the crowd is less… shall we say “fancy.” This is because it’s one of the rare nights where you can get in without buying a year membership.

The prices are steep. It’s $100 for couples, $150 for single guys, and $50 for single women, not including nightly door fees. And the dress code is usually pretty strict too. This combines to make the kink nights something of a free-for-all since the admission on those nights is only $20 and the dress code is more lax. I saw people in jeans and T-shirts, which I am told is never normally allowed.

Of course there are no cameras permitted inside, and they have lockers to keep your things in while you play. In most regards, it is similar to other sex clubs like Club Desire or The Velvet Rope. But in some ways it is very different.


Club Sesso is like a dance club. The music is loud enough that you have to shout over it, and it was techno the night I was there. It’s also crowded. I was told that most nights it hosts about 200 people. I went on a Thursday and I am sure that there were that many people there.

It’s also a lot less secret than other sex clubs. It’s right in the middle of downtown Portland and there is all kinds of celebrity branding going on because the owner is (let’s face it) perhaps the biggest name in Pornography.


I talked to several people who just go here to watch, so I also found that to be pretty different from most sex cubs that I have been to. That, combined with the massive crowds and the loud music, did not make it feel like a sex club. It made it feel like a dance club here sex was permitted.

There are private rooms, and a couple had sex next to me while I was plopped down on the couch relaxing because that’s okay too. The friendly DM staff keeps a careful eye on things that go on to make sure that it is all safe, sane, and consensual. You give your real name and ID at the door, and sign a form promising to accept full liability for everything you see and do inside.

I went with a date, but chose not to have sex there. Unlike most sex clubs I have been to, it didn’t seem heated. In fact, there seemed to be air conditioning going (or at least chilly night air being pumped in.) I was too cold to take my coat off, let alone all of my clothes. In addition, the rooms were mostly full and my date was not the type to fuck on a couch in front of people.

I think a lot of people have a lot of fun there every day, and that’s awesome. It’s certainly a sex-positive environment and I think the DMs were doing a great job and the bar staff was very snappy, as were the serving staff stocking the buffet. It seemed very clean and professional.

As for the loud music and the cold air; I’m sure some people like that kind of thing. Maybe I’m just getting old?

Also, I learned that Ron Jeremy has his own rum.


Forever is About Six Months.


BDSM is a huge and varied thing. There are so many different sub-groups and various fetishes within the kink community that it’s hard to ever sum it up. From furries to foot fetishists to hook suspension groups, the rabbit hole is deep, and it’s a long way down.

I was talking recently with a Dom friend of mine, who was mentioning how surprised he was by things that he ended up doing, which he thought he would never do. He said someone told him when he got into the community that “Forever is about six months.” Meaning, you say you’ll never do something, not ever ever ever, and then you end up trying it down the road.

I have found this to be a regularly occurring phenomenon, so I thought I’d devote a post to the most common things people say that they will never ever do.


Needle Play: The art of needle play involves putting needles under someone’s skin. Of course one must make sure that said needles are sterile and, because bacteria like staff and MRSA can live on the skin, you must also use alcohol to clean the skin before inserting any needles. This can be a simple affair with one or two needles used only for sensation, or it can become an art form when people use many needles to make beautiful and intricate designs.

People say they will never ever do it mostly if they are freaked out by needles, and the feel of one sliding into their skin. But if practiced correctly, needle play is not like getting blood drawn, because the needles do not go in that deep. They are meant to be slid right under the top layer of skin, and pushed sideways, so as not to go into the tissue and cause permanent damage. This actually causes very little pain, and because the needles do not go deep, it lacks the sense of violation that some feel when a needle to pushed deep into a vein for a IV or something.

Yes, I have tried it. It was an experience and I’m glad I did it, but I didn’t enjoy it enough to want to do it often.


Piss Play: I guess there are a thousand ways to describe this one, though I mostly hear “golden showers,” or “watersports.” This is the act of someone peeing on you, or peeing on someone. Most typically done outside or in a shower or bathtub, it is something that plays on a deep-seeded taboo in the human mind that one should not touch waste from their own body or from someone else’s.

Most people say they will never ever do this because it is gross, and I admit that there is an ick factor involved. It’s better if the person doing the peeing drinks lots of water first, because there is less of a smell then.

I have talked to several people who ended up trying it, and mostly there is two sides to it. The first is the side of the person who wants to pee on someone. For them, it is often described as an act of control, or the ultimate submission of their partner to their will. For the person on the receiving end, I have had it described to me as being incredibly hot because it is so wrong to them. To do something so gross just to please their master brings them joy.

I also tried this, and I don’t see the appeal myself in peeing on someone (or being peed on for that matter). But I don’t judge people who like it because I’m into some strange things myself and we should never judge our fellow kinksters.

*Side note: I have never actually met anyone who is into scat play, nor have I ever tried it. I am sure someone, somewhere does it. But I guess I feel it’s so very uncommon that it doesn’t need to be addressed. I promise to change my mind of I ever actually meet someone who likes to play with poo. 


Bukkake: This is basically playing with cum in various ways. In some cases, it can just be a man cumming on his partner, perhaps in a more taboo area like the face. Or, for a sub of mine, he would cum on my stomach and then lick it up slowly while making eye contact with me. It can even include food; for example a man cumming on a piece of food and then making his partner eat it.

This is often a never ever for people who find cum disgusting. It does have a odd taste and consistency that can put people off, and of course it is a bodily fluid and some people are just bothered by bodily fluids in general.

For me, I think the sexist example was the sub I had in Arizona who liked to lick his cum off of me, because he just looked so damn hot doing it. I also had a Dom who would cum inside of me, lick it up, and then spit on me. That was actually pretty sexy too. I guess this falls into the category of something I like to do, though only after exchanging STD tests because one should always do that before becoming fluid bonded to another person.


Hook Suspension: This is when a person has hooks carefully placed into various points in their skin, and then is lifted off the ground or pulled by another person controlling the hooks.

The first time I saw a hook suspension was at a concert when I was 17. I remember being amazed at how far the man’s skin stretched from his body. He was swinging across the stage and the skin on his back was stretched about 18 inches from his bones. It almost looked like he had a pair of wings.

This gets a never ever reaction from a lot of people because they expect that it would be very painful to have their skin penetrated by hooks, and then used to support the weight of their body.

This is actually the one things I’m going to tell you about today that I have never done. I have wanted to. My friends in Suspension Merriment are wonderful people (I love that they call themselves “hookers”) and they always look so peaceful when they are hanging.

My reason for not doing it is because I don’t go into shock or get endorphins when my body is injured. I broke my arm a few years ago and instead of getting a rush of adrenalin and endorphins that helped me deal with it, it simply hurt the whole time I was getting to the hospital and waiting there to be helped.  I think for me, it would not be a spiritual and amazing experience, but more of a trial that I just don’t feel ready to endure. But again, I love the folks who do it. They are great people. I respect what they do and don’t judge another person’s kink.


Fisting: This is one of those things that sounds really scary if you’re the owner of a vagina. After all, a hand is pretty big usually, and it doesn’t seem like it would fit. People say they would never ever do this for a lot of reasons. Girls worry that it will hurt, or that their vagina will tear. Also there is the concern that if it is stretched out, it won’t go back to being tight again.

First I’ll just say that the vagina is amazingly stretchy and meant to pass a baby through. Yes, it can stretch, and yes it will shrink back to it’s original size (though the time that takes can vary from person to person.) This doesn’t mean it isn’t dangerous, because not using lube or moving too fast can tear the vagina and cause infection, or even require stitches.

I have done this, and I like it. It’s one of those things that I have to be in the mood for. But I like it, and have even gone as far as trying anal fisting, which I also enjoyed, (but again, I had to be really aroused first because I feel like tissue is more pliable and tolerant of abuse when it is full of blood and aroused). I have also done it to several girlfriends, who also enjoyed it once they were into it. Some took awhile to work up to it though, as in, not on the first try. I have yet to fist a guy, but I’m not ruling it out.


I could go on and on. I know some people find furries strange, as well as pet play and rape play. Perhaps I’ll get to those another day. For now, these are just some examples.

I promise you that my 16-year-old self who first entered a dungeon was not okay with any of these things. At one point, they were hard limits for me. And over time, they became soft limits, and then I tried them.

In fact, I have found myself doing all manner of weird things, from dental play to role play, that I thought when I was younger that I wouldn’t do.

Rough sex with a little choking or slapping is a long way from hook suspension. It has certainly been an interesting journey. But the point is that “never ever” is something that we all say about something at some point, and it is truly amazing how fast you can go from that feeling of “hell no” to that feeling of “hell yeah.”

As the saying goes; forever, for many in the community, is about six months.

Final note: It should also be mentioned that a person’s chemistry with another person is a huge factor. It takes a certain type of person and the right kind of chemistry to push and break limits. Even if you’re okay with something with one person, sometimes you’re not with another. And that is okay. One can not understate the importance of personalities matching up and chemistry between people.