How to Make a Woman Feel Attractive

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In a recent discussion with a friend, he said “I know she’s crazy, but the crazy ones are the best in bed.”

And I said that if he felt that way, he wasn’t doing it right.

I couldn’t explain properly at the time (it was after a few drinks). So I’m going to try to explain now.

Let me start by saying that I have done things for some guys that I could never have done for others. Every relationship has it’s own chemistry and it’s own dynamic. But in general, it is much easier to be kinky and fun with someone who makes you feel sexy.

So how do you make a girl feel sexy?

Well, I suppose there is a certain amount of accounting for individual personality that is required. And I understand that. But remember that I am always speaking in general, and I know there are exceptions to everything I say.

With that said, some guys are nervous or shy. They aren’t able to be shamelessly attracted to a girl and to express that in a way that she can see. That is fair. If you’re shy, just do your best. If it means writing sexy e-mails or poetry or whatever it takes, then do what you have to do to make your female partner feel as desired as you can.

Some guys just aren’t that into the girls they are sleeping with. They may think their partner is fine to have sex with in the dark, but would get no delight from seeing them in lingerie because they are overweight or proportioned in a way that seems unattractive. And if THAT is your problem, then maybe you should be with someone else. Or, learn to find the person you’re with attractive. Because if YOU don’t think she’s attractive, then she’s not going to feel attractive.

 

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I use a lot of different things to show and to tell a girl that she is perfect and gorgeous and fun. I make sure that I tell them every single day that I think they are beautiful and sexy. I make a point of stroking their hair, touching them every chance I get, and constantly complimenting them. I find the features I like the most and point them out often. So perhaps she has beautiful eyes the color of a stormy sea. Perhaps she has adorable little freckles. Maybe she has a really great butt. But whatever I can find to love, I passionately love those things and express my love for them often.

(Note: No amount of flattery is too much. You literally can’t go overboard with this.)

I also plant suggestions. Perhaps I love the way they dance, and so I tell them that often, and then playfully slip in the idea of a strip tease someday. Or maybe I think they would look great in something silk and slinky, so I buy something for them and encourage them to wear it. Maybe I buy some sexy shoes, and tell them how great they look and ask that they keep them on when we play. Or perhaps a shade of red lipstick that I buy, so they can wear it on sexy nights out.

Women will act a lot more outgoing and do a lot more with someone who makes them feel wanted and attractive, and because of this, it should always be your goal to make that happen.

I know that for myself, I had some body issues after I had cancer. And some people made me feel worse about them. And with those people, I found it necessary to blindfold them or have the lights off when we played. As a Domme, I need to have confidence. And I can’t have that with someone who makes me feel unattractive.

Then some boys would just embrace me exactly as I was. They would kiss every inch of me, and note every scar with care. I remember the first time someone kissed the scar on my side, and told me that I was all the more beautiful because of the things that I had survived. It made me feel sexy, and also appreciated. And that helped me to be more exciting for them than I am for most people.

I know it’s true for me, and I’ve seen it be true for other girls. The more sexy you feel, the crazier you can be in bed. I did a strip tease for my tattoo artist once because he made me feel beautiful. He said that no one on Earth was more beautiful to him, inside or out. And he constantly made me feel sexy enough that I could do things like strip slowly and wiggle my body like I was still a teenager without scars or stretch marks or any of the imperfections we collect on our way through life.

 

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My point is; you don’t need to date a girl with issues to have fun in bed. That’s a silly thing to think, and it’s a stereotype that has always frustrated me. All you need to do is show a girl that they’re on your mind, and appreciated in your bed.

For a boy who constantly made me feel like a sex goddess, I broke several soft limits and did things I’ve never done with anyone else, including making videos of us having sex, some water sports, and even letting him suck on my toes (I’m usually pretty self-conscious of my enormous feet.) For him I would be happy to be on top, always thrilled to give blowjobs, and in general try anything suggested at least once. And it was FUN. I loved feeling that way. I loved having my scars kissed, and my shape appreciated, and my flaws adored. For him I was the quintessential freak in bed.

I can’t be like that for everyone. Some people just don’t make me feel sexy. And so I blindfold them and I have some fun, but I don’t go out of my comfort zone. I don’t branch out, experiment, or take risks. I don’t dress in cute lingerie for people who don’t make me feel like they want to see me naked.

So yes, it is true that crazy girls have less inhibitions. But perfectly sane girls shed inhibitions easily if given the proper motivation. With that in mind, make sure your partner knows how much you adore them, and then I promise you, you’ll have awesome sex.

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Headspace

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In my experience, a lot of BDSM is getting into the headspace required for play. Anyone planing to do a scene; Sub, Dom, or otherwise has to access the place in their head where those feelings come from, to get  into the right mood to play.

I am mostly a Domme, and so for me, getting into my headspace has often involved throwing on some metal and setting out my toys.

But I’ve encountered a wrinkle in this preparation. I never noticed before how much my internal sense of strength and value as a person played into my persona.

For the first time in my life, my world is small. I am in a place where things are very spread out and a car is required for anything. I don’t have a car yet (it is being shipped.) Because of my lack of transportation, I am also without a job or friends. I haven’t been able to meet anyone except for the housewives I count as neighbors. They are vanilla, and subservient to their husbands in true 1950’s fashion. I guess that’s life on a military base, but I feel as though just being around them pollutes my mind. It infects my thoughts. It takes away some of my power.

I guess it’s hard to explain. But for the first time in my memory I do not feel powerful. I feel useless; trapped in a house with nothing near by.

And this has effected my ability to be a good Domme. When one does not feel powerful, how can one act powerful? How can I find the headspace I need when all the influences around me are contrary?

It is a short-lived problem. My car should be here next week, and with it comes the ability to meet peope I have been talking to online, to get a job, and to go out and be ME again.

But it has given me pause. I feel that I must not be the only powerful person to find themselves in a powerless place for a short time, and to find that it effects them profoundly.

I look forward reclaiming myself soon. But I am surprised at myself for how I have felt this last month, trapped in a house with no like-minded people around and nothing to do which makes me feel useful or powerful.

It has been a learning experience. That much is for sure.

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Discretion

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Discretion has never been something I had to worry about too much. I am from a big city, and I have mostly lived in big cities. I have become accustomed to being anonymous, and I have always appreciated that.

Several years ago when I moved to South Korea, things got a little complicated. The foreign community and kink community were smaller, and so there was more cause for caution. I had to adapt to that idea, and to learn not to use my real name.

But nothing could have prepared me for the discretion required on a tiny island.

I typically work as a teacher. You can well imagine how being outed as kinky would go. I can see the headline now: “TEACHER FIRED IN DISGRACE AFTER BDSM FETISH DISCOVERED.”

I don’t suppose they couldn’t charge me with anything legally, but I imagine they would try. No one wants their small children taught by “one of those freaks.” (Won’t it be nice when the discrimination against BDSM is finally over?)

 

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So the island of Guam is really small. It has about 170,000 people, which is far less people than in any of the cities I have lived. Already, it seems like everyone knows everyone. I have been recognized twice on the street by people I met casually in a different social setting.

This begs the question; what to do when you have to keep who you are quiet? The thing I did first was to simply accept the isolation I felt, and to try to work through it. People here are afraid to meet. They don’t have munches. They want to spend a long time talking online first, to make sure it’s safe. Okay. These are things I accept about living on a tiny community.

Then logistics. Obviously I can’t just go meeting people in highly public areas. After all, I am married and my husband would rather people NOT find out we’re poly or kinky. (Same reason as me- job to worry about.)

But who wants to meet a complete stranger alone at their house? So a nice out-of-the-way restaurant that is busy enough for someone to hear you scream, but slow enough that I may not be recognized. Fine.

It’s only been a month, but my patience is starting to wear thin. I see why people in small towns have such a struggle being kinky.

I don’t know if I’ll be able to date much while here. I’m thankful I have my husband, because without him I’d be all alone.

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Hitting on a Girl

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This is something I have discussed before. But since it keeps being a problem, I guess we’re going to keep discussing it.

So here we go again: Tips for talking to a girl for the first time.

More and more relationships are started online. And I personally use fetlife.com and okcupid.com to meet people.

But here’s the problem: A lot of people think a good pick-up line is “Do you want to swallow my cum?”

First: very few girls have that fetish. Most of them find it lumpy and gross. Sure, some girls find it a real turn-on. But it’s less than half so maybe play the odds on this one?

Second: talking to girls isn’t hard. You treat them like people and show them respect. It’s that simple. Sub, Domme, or even a vanilla girl. All women deserve respect. So speak to them like they are human beings.

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Let’s talk about pornography. If you sit at home all day and watch it, you might get the impression that all girls are just sitting around waiting to be gang-banged by complete strangers.

But let’s say you talk to a real girl. Not a paid actress. But a real live girl. You don’t want to talk to her like one of the porn stars you jack off to.

Here’s another real actual line I got from a guy: “I just want to show up at a girl’s house and have her be in panties and we just fuck.”

Okay. I have seen that porn.

However, responsible people get STD tests before engaging in sexual escapes with strangers. Why? Well, because condoms are not 100% effective against things like Herpes, and I don’t want to have Herpes.

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Now then, another point: Yes, I am a Magically Delicious Super Slut.

However, that does not mean I have sex with everyone I meet. It means I enjoy sex, and I have interesting sex. It’s kinky and it’s exciting and it’s inventive. But it doesn’t mean I just fuck random people who’ve said hi to me online. I do have standards, just like anyone else.

The more you have sex with someone, the  better it should get. You get to know one another and what each other likes and that helps. So I like to have relationships rather than one-night stands. That means I tend to choose people worth having a conversation with. If we’re going to lay in bed catching our breaths, it would be nice if we have something to say to one another.

So think it through. Don’t open with crass and obnoxious things like: “I want you to suck my balls.”

What that makes you look like is a woman-hating twerp with no respect for the person you are talking to, as well as someone who is sexually frustrated and poorly endowed. It makes it look like you’re taking your issues out on random people because you fail at relationships.

So what DO you say to a girl?

Well, here’s an obvious one. Read her profile and bring up something from it. For example, “I see you like Firefly. Long live the brown coats!”

If nothing on her profile makes any sense to you, then the chances are you won’t get along. Maybe don’t start a conversation with her, even if she is hot.

Also, it never hurts to start with: “Hi. You seem interesting. Would you like to talk, or maybe get coffee some time?”

I know it sounds crazy, but it works. It shows respect. It shows you recognize that the women you’re talking to is a person, and that you are not objectifying her. And when you treat people with respect and decency, you might actually get a positive response. Imagine that!

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Now, I would give tips for meeting people in person, but honestly, I hate doing that. When you bump into a random stranger as a poly Dominatrix, you’re not likely to have anything in common with them. And it can take a very long time to explain that being poly doesn’t mean I’m cheating on my husband, or that I am unhappy in my relationship. And explaining kink to a vanilla person does not always go well.

But if you do meet someone you think you might like in person, maybe keep the same things in mind? Respect. Kindness. Etc…

It’s just basic stuff really, but inevitably I run into people who don’t know it. So hopefully this helped some of those people who may wonder why I didn’t write them back.

Secrets and Lies

Cheating

After some of the shit I’ve seen lately, I think I need to start by saying I love my husband. Pet; you’re wonderful and I hope you realize how glad I am to have you. 

On to the topic of secrets and lies:

I can’t believe some things require saying, but life is full of weird situations and I understand that sometimes it’s hard to avoid things that you’d maybe rather not do.

But look; secrets and lies are bad.

I come from a very sex-positive mindset. I trade STD tests with potential partners and get myself screened every six months. I am in a happy, healthy, poly marriage. I am a straight-forward, no-nonsense kind of person.

With that said; not everyone can be this way. People find themselves in weird situations. For example, in the military it is very against the rules to have sex with someone who is of lower rank, because they could feel coerced and this is comparable to rape in the eyes of our armed forces.

But if you are of a high rank, and there is no one else around that is, what are you supposed to do? Star Trek TNG confronted this a few times. A good example would be the episode where Jean Luc falls for one of his officers and then has to send her into danger on a planet. They discuss the moral issues involved with that, and the emotional ones. And in the end they decide it isn’t worth it.

Now I don’t know if you guys are Star Trek fans, but I think if Jean Luc Picard can fall into a moral quandary over sex, then I’m sure the rest of us can too.

So what to do in these situations?

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Well the key BDSM rule is “safe, sane, and consensual.” I think that applies to all things.

But let’s look at an example or two.

There is a couple I am friends with who just broke up. And two weeks after the break up, the guy got married to a completely different and seemingly random girl.

Now, he swears that he never cheated in the 5 years he was with his girlfriend in a monogamous relationship. But I don’t know which is worse. Cheating is pretty bad (cheating as defined by lying to your partner about who you’re having sex with). But marrying someone you don’t really know after two weeks is also bad. So I’m not sure what’s up there, but it’s probably bad ju-ju all around.

So the girl went all Carrie Underwood and wrecked all his stuff.

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First: Ladies, let’s be classy. What kind of person does ridiculous shit like wrecking another person’s car or setting their things on fire? Come on. You are better than that. And while I’m at it, don’t hit guys either. Just because they probably won’t hit you back, doesn’t make it okay.

Second: Guys, c’mon. Really. Don’t do shit that is going to get you in trouble. If you have negotiated a monogamous relationship then don’t cheat. If you don’t want to be in a monogamous relationship, then don’t negotiate one.

I know that for a guy, it’s considered crazy to turn down a girl who wants to have sex with you. But look; it’s all about the greater good. Secrets and lies blow up in your face eventually and it never ends well. Having sex with co-workers, cheating, and other devious shit is bound to get you in trouble.

I know there are grey areas and sometimes it seems like you can have ALL THE THINGS and not get caught. And I know sometimes you just give in to impulses you can’t help and think “Oh fuck it, what’s the worst that could happen?”

But don’t be surprised when things get all fucked up because you lied. And yes, lying by omission totally counts.

If you want to be with someone who needs a monogamous relationship, then you should commit to it.

And well, if you’re like me and you just want to be wild and free; have the courage to tell people that. Defend who you are and your lifestyle, and stand up for yourself. Because if you hide who you are you will become ashamed and full of self-doubt. It’s not a good way to be.

Secrets and lies are bad. And I can’t believe I have to say that, but apparently I do.

And one last note while I’m on a role: Ladies please stop planing your life around guys you just met. It’s weird. Seriously. If you’ve known a guy for a few weeks, or even a few months, do not start naming the kids you want to have together or altering your whole life to be with them. People can get tangled up really quickly. Stuff ends up at the other person’s house, things get borrowed, etc… Don’t get tangled up any quicker than you have to. Be your own person. That’s really important.

If it happens too fast, it’s probably not healthy.

Oh, and for the love of all the gods living and dead, leave me out of it if you’re going to lie.

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A Letter of Reference

Palace in South Korea

Palace in South Korea

Disclaimer: If we’ve been lovers then maybe don’t read this. Or if you do, don’t get offended. I mean no offense, and this isn’t about you.

I said I’d write an ex a letter of reference. Laugh if you want, but he’s still a good friend and he thought it might help him with ladies he tries to date in the future. Writing this is going to make me wish we were still dating and that I was still in Portland, Oregon. But I guess I’ll do it anyway.

I met him while he was stationed in South Korea in the Army. We went for drinks, which turned into dinner, which tuned into smoking hooka. Eventually I asked him if he wanted to come home with me.

So I brought him home. Our first time having sex was intense. I could feel him trying to figure me out. He tried a lot of interesting things and I liked all of them.

Korean Flag

Korean Flag

Over time though (I guess it took him a few weeks) he had it down to an exact science. He could get me off in 10 minutes or less, and always made it a point to do so before any penetrative sex happened. And ladies, that is the mark of a good guy. If he focuses on figuring out how to please you right off the bat, and then always makes sure you cum before him; he’s a keeper.

I had a rocket scientist who did the same thing, and I have to say, it is amazing what I will put up with from a guy who can make me cum. Seriously, looking back I know he was kind of a prick to me. But the sex… well… I would have done anything to keep having it.

Anyway my point is, Dante (as he goes by lately) is one of those guys who is just really selfless and fun in bed. And if he doesn’t know how to do what you like, he’ll learn. I was into kinky stuff and he wasn’t, so he went right out and bought rope and learned shibari without a thought or complaint. He was very motivated to make sure that he could do anything I wanted done to me. And he watched videos on flogging and other kink things so as not to be one of those annoying guys that goes “Well what do you WANT? And how do I DO all those things?”

Example of shibari

Example of shibari

I never had to explain a thing. I didn’t have to teach him to use a flogger, or show him how to make me cum, or anything the hell else. He figured it all out on his own, and did a damn good job of it.

So guys, take note; this is exactly how you please a woman. If you’re not behaving like this, then you should.

And girls, pay attention: I can’t give anyone a higher recommendation than I’m willing to give Dante. Seriously. The man is a god in bed. I don’t keep track, but I’ve had sex with somewhere around 200 people and Dante is in the top 5. When I say something is good, take in account that my pool of comparison is large.

Most sex I have is nice, but unfulfilling unless I get myself off. No offense to those I’ve slept with who were good but not god status. Cuz, sex is like pizza. Even when it’s bad, it’s still good. It’s better than NO pizza. And it still fulfills the need for touch and companionship and all that stuff. Orgasms are a bonus for us girls, as the oxytocin (bonding hormone) from just having sex is wonderful for us.

And let’s be honest, there just aren’t a lot of guys out there who focus on pleasing their partners above all else. Most people are selfish, because that is normal.

Anyway, I’d like to ask that no one take offense to this post. If I’ve had sex with you more than once, then obviously I like it. And not everyone can be a sex god, okay?

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Flogger

 

Guam, My New Home

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So my new home is in Santa Rita, Guam. It’s a tiny island and I’m a little nervous, but I have been promised attractive Asian girls, so if that’s true I’ll be happy.

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If you’re planning a vacation to the tropical island of Guam any time soon, please e-mail me: ladyvioletemail@gmail.com

It’s not a big island, so I suppose I’ll probably be pretty lonely. But I hope I can find something to keep me busy.

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From everything I have been told, it’s a really pretty place. I hear there are packs of wild toads, geckos, and other adorable things.

I sincerely hope I love it!

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