Then and Now

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I started out in the scene in the way-back-when days. The Internet wasn’t really a think yet, and so it was really hard to put out information about events.

Sure, those freaks that were into judging the prettiest goat could just put an add in the paper for their booth at the country fair, because that sort of behavior is okay with society. But not us. The Kink Community was hidden away down scary dark alleys and in disreputable clubs.

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I remember when I first heard someone mention kink at The Rocky Horror Picture Show when I was fourteen. I was shocked that it was a thing that existed outside my head! Back then, all the periodicals were hidden behind counters and there was just know way to find these things out easily.

So I overheard the place they mentioned. It was called The Graffiti Shop. When I got there, I realized it wasn’t a kink club at all. It was a music and clothing store. But, it had a board where people could post fliers. Then I understood. The Kink Community in my city had no real way to communicate, so they would leave a stack of fliers for an event at The Graffiti Shop, and you would have to go get one and bring it with you to get in to the event.

The events would always be at really skivvy dive bars down really dark alleys, which was traumatizing. It took a lot of guts and a fair amount of stupid for a young girl to go through with making it into an event.

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I think the people were creepier back then. It might just be because I was a young girl then, but I feel like being pushed into the shadows can make people feel creepy. If society says there is something wrong with them, then they internalize that and act accordingly.

Of course, I could be reading too much into it. I guess I have been to some event even recently where there were a lot of “creepers,” (you know- those guys you do not want to get stuck talking to.)

Anyway I feel like there were legitimately creepier people back then, and not in a good way. It was all so clandestine and secretive, and I think that made it more dangerous. You would never report a rape at a club that was super-secret like that, right?

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So now we live in the future. I love the future! The Internet (for me) completely changed the Kink Community in the best ways possible! Now, you can go to events easily, and there are vanilla events like munches where you can just talk to kinky people without having to go through all the costuming and pageantry.

We have all kinds of resources. There are communities like the BDSM subreddit where you can ask questions and read about kink issues. There are websites for meeting people like Collar Space. There’s fetlife.com, which I think of as Facebook for kinksters. And there’s all sorts of kink porn that you don’t have to sneak behind a beaded curtain and have a very awkward interaction with a checkout guy for.

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The Internet let us come out of the shadows and into the light. It let us create a community, and have enough members in that community to support dungeons and play spaces and meetups.

I often muse at how great everything has gotten and how bad it really was before. And when I think about it, I can’t believe how glad I am that we live in the time that we do and have the resources that we have.

I will never be nostalgic for the past, and I will always look forward to the future.

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Poly vs Open

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I am not much for terms. As a writer, you would think I would love them. But I am not a precise person. I hate specifics. I think in broad strokes about overall ideas and I hate nitpicking. This makes me a horrible copy editor.

Anyway, I was asked about the difference between being “poly” and being “open,” and I thought it was a good question so I will do my best to answer it.

I lot of couples consider these terms synonymous, which is to say, they think it is the same thing. And that is fine. You can define things however you want in your world. I am not a purist, so I believe that usage defines language. But that’s a whole other blog post…

Anyway, those who hold that the terms have different means have defined them to me this way:

Poly: Having multiple emotional relationships at the same time (this can mean a primary and secondary, more than one primary, etc.)

Open: Having only one emotional relationship, but having sexual or play relationships with people outside the primary relationship.

Again, it is up to you to decide how you feel, but I want to put in my two cents that it’s very hard to sleep with someone and not become fond of them. (That’s just down to hormones and such, so don’t think I am being sappy. Oxcytocin and Dopamine are things, you know? ) So to me it seems like if you want to have an open relationship, and you define that as no outside emotional attachments, then you should probably stick to one-night stands.



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New Lifestyle Club

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I wrote before about Club Sesso in Portland after visiting there with one of my boyfriends. At the time, it was a swinger’s club owned by porn star Ron Jeremy and his business partners.

Since then, there the club became tied up in a scandal . I won’t get into the details because that’s not the relevant part. What matters is, they closed the club. This was a shame for kinky folks and swingers who enjoy such places.

In the wake of it all, two of the partners who owned the original club have filed to open a new club in its place, to be called Club Privata. No word on exactly what it will be. The owners describe it as an “upscale lifestyle club.” But, I think it’s safe to assume that it will be similar to what the old club was. This is good for all of us who live in or spend lots of time in Portland.

Ron Jeremy will not be involved at all in the new club.

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Negotiating Rules

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So you have realized you are kinky. Great! Now what?

In a typical vanilla relationship, you have a set of rules. You don’t have to follow those rules, and in fact, you can act in the opposite way all the time if you want. However, the rules are there.

This is sort of a holdover from a time when there were clearly defined gender roles. Women stayed home. They cooked and cleaned and had babies. Men went to work. And if they were gentlemen, perhaps they opened some doors or helped with things around the house.

Many people no longer follow those rules, but they still persist in TV, Music, Movies, and popular culture in general. As this is a US election year, I’ll just go ahead and point out that they still exist in politics too, which is really tragic.

(Maybe that’s just my opinion, but I think traditional gender roles are damaging to everyone.)

 

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However, us kinky folks don’t have rules that have been established over time. A Master/Mistress/Slave/Submissive does not always act in any particular way.

This can be very freeing, because obviously the oppressive gender roles of the mainstream are a bummer. And yet, it can also be scary. If there are no established rules, how do you know what to do?

I would only point out that it’s entirely up to you to decide how comfortable you are with things, and what you want.

Take the example of my husband and myself. We are both switches, but not in our primary relationship with each other. In our personal relationship, he is my Pet, and I am his Mistress. We do not do this 24/7, but we do observe this at home. This can get really confusing sometimes. Last year for my birthday he got me a cake that said “Happy Birthday Mistress.” I didn’t even think about it because I am so used to be called Mistress, and I posted a picture of the cake on my Facebook feed.

Big mistake.

I forget that his friends and co-workers can see things that he is tagged in, and that he’s not “out” in his public life. Not to mention he was talking to a few girls at the time who thought of him as a Master and I think he might have been friends with them on Facebook.

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We didn’t make a big deal about it or anything. It’s not like it caused a fight. But it was one of those awkward moments where we had to think about boundaries. It’s always hard to know where boundaries are, and they may not be in the same place for both parties in a relationship.

That’s just one example, but there are so many more.

As another example, think of how relationship dynamics change over time with a vanilla couple. That can be a huge cause of stress on a relationship, and they don’t even have kink roles added in. They can just have a situation where one party used to make more money, and now the other does, and that can ruin a marriage.

But we have the added complication of evolving kink roles over time. Sometimes the person who is dominant wants to do a submissive thing. This can cause the person who is usually submissive to suddenly see their Master in a whole other light and can ruin their psychological ability to feel properly submissive later (since kink is mostly about the space in your head and not the toys or bonds, this is a very real concern.)

So what do we do?

Well, that’s the part I hate to tell people: I don’t know. No one does. We just negotiate and re-negotiate and try to figure it out.

Yes, that sucks. I wish there were easy answers. But the truth is, in kink, you just have to feel things out and hope that you can find places where you agree on things. I actually think so many of us are poly because it’s very hard to find someone who you can have as a partner and also have compatible kinks with. Hence, play relationships outside the primary tend to crop up a lot of the time.

As I always say, there is no solution outside of good communication. If you can do that, you should be okay.

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Kink and Three or More People

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I was asked about BDSM play with more than two people involved in the scene, and I wanted to do a quick post on why adding people is complicated.

Obviously if it’s a poly situation it’s very complicated because then everyone is in some kind of relationship with each other, and I have written before about all the issues of poly relationships. Generally after awhile you need flow charts and a white board to express anything.

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You think adding one more person to a situation can’t be that confusing. But, you have to consider how many points of view are involved.

In a situation with two people, there are only two perspectives to consider. However, in a situation with three people, there are more than three. Observe:

First: Person One’s view of  Person Two

Second: Person One’s view of  Person Three

Third: Person Two’s view of Person One

Fourth: Person Two’s view of Person Three

Fifth: Person Three’s View of Person One

Sixth: Person Three’s view of Person Two

Seventh: Overall vibe of the collected group

As you can see, there’s a lot more than three points of view when there are three people.

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With three people, you effectively go from two points of view to seven. And obviously that is opening up a Pandora’s box of opportunity for misunderstanding. That’s why it’s more important than ever in a situation like this to make sure you are prepared and have planned out the scene in advance.

I actually have had most of my threesome situations with other switches, so that made it easier to understand each other and to take turns being the one in charge of the scene.

However, my husband and I have also done some co-topping of people, and that has been a good experience for us and for them.

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I think the key is to have understanding among the people involved, so if you aren’t married or dating or all switches, then more discussion may be required to make sure that everyone is on the same page. It seems to be that the better people know/understand each other, the better the scene will play out. Everyone is happy when everyone knows what is going on.

So make sure to make some tea, fill out some scene negotiation forms, and try to make sure that no one’s expectations get stepped on.

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Guest Post by J.D. DeLemont

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Hi, my name is J.D. DeLemont, and I want to ask for your help. With the Magically Delicious Super Slut’s permission, I am writing this post to beg you all to help promote my book Love & the Desert.

This book portrays kinky characters as normal human beings who are freaky in bed, and attempts to highlight important issues in the community (like consent!) It’s more exciting than all that though. It’s really just a fun story about a girl who just happens to be a kinkster. The first book is only a little kinky, and as the series progresses the characters go deeper and deeper down the rabbit hole (to show a normal progression of a person from private desire to integration into the community.)

Why should you help me promote the book?

Good question! I’m glad you asked. You should do this because it is the first book in a series that will be released over the course of 2016 which explores various aspects of kink in a healthy light. We as a community need more books that explore kink as something average people do.

How can you help?

Good question! In these modern times, most authors have to pay for a PR campaign from a professional firm to launch their career. So instead of doing that (because I can’t afford to), I am going to depend on my fellow kinky folks to help me. Here are four simple things you can do:

One: 

Write a review on amazon.com! No, you don’t have to read the book to do this. The computer program assigned to determine a book’s popularity does so based on a number of arbitrary things, like how many reviews a book gets- but it can’t read! You could literally write anything and be helpful.

Example Review: “OMG swan attacks!”

(Yes, there really is a swan attack in the book.)

This will help the book to appear higher in search results, and that allows new people to discover it and potentially even buy it and read it. So go to amazon.com, search for “Love & the Desert” by J.D. DeLemont, and then click “write a review!”

Two:

Tell your friends! Word of mouth is really important and it does make a difference. Do you have a friend who likes romance novels? Great! Tell them about the book. Do you have a friend who enjoys geeky things like Star Trek and S.C.A.? Great! The book is full of that, so you should tell them about it. Maybe you know someone from Phoenix, Arizona? Well great! The book is set there, and they will surely be amused to read about actual places they have been and can go to again like the Scottsdale Civic Center and the Nile Theater.

Word of mouth makes a difference and if you tell people and they tell people, it will mean a whole lot more than a $20,000 PR campaign ever could!

Three:

Ask about it at your local bookstore! Everyone has a cute local bookstore like The Poison Pen or Changing Hands. Those wonderful examples of independent bookstores that hold on in our communities and continue to be awesome places to meet authors and attend book signings. But, they won’t stock a book unless there is a demand for it. Most of them have a request list, comment card, or suggestion box. So go in, and ask if they carry “Love & the Desert” by J.D. DeLemont. When they say no, simply recommend that they carry it!

Four:

Buy the book. I know this is a drastic step and the only thing on this list that costs money. But if you buy the book, you will be doing wonderful things like helping to support an artist, and cancel out the negative karma that 50 Shades brought into our little world! It’s not an expensive book. It’s not like it’s a hardcover or something. Think of it! For under $20 you can fund a penniless writer. It’s really a donation to help fight world hunger, because I am hungry. And more than that, it’s a donation to help me write more in the future. Creating culture takes time and caffeine, and you can help me have these things!

Of course you will have my eternal gratitude if you do any of these things. You can write to me at jddelemont@gmail.com and tell me of your valiant efforts, and I will in turn send you good karma straight through the Internet! Or you can visit my site and comment on how crappy my book is and what you want to see in the next one instead, and I will listen to whatever you have to say!

Thanks for reading!

End of Year Thoughts and Wishes.

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First, even though I write about my husband and our poly relationship all the time, it seems like I still get people being surprised/upset when they find out that I am married. So just to clear that one up, I am still married, and social conventions are still dicks.

Though I haven’t been able to date much since I got stuck on Guam, I still think slut-shaming is wrong (and that’s one of my best posts in all my years blogging.)

I update my lists of people you should check out and books you should read all the time, so make sure to check those out if you are looking for resources. I even have a whole subcategory of just book reviews.

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I have been meeting a lot of folks on Guam, and this has definitely led to some posts about how women are people and you need to talk to them like people, but also a lot of posts about helping people learn about kink.

All in all, it’s been a good year. I can’t believe it’s been so long since I started this blog just to amuse a friend who pestered me to share what I knew. He’s off in South America somewhere now with his wife, and for some reason, I am still writing.

Well, I guess I do it for those of you who read, since wordpress gets all the ad revenue and I don’t get a dime. No matter. Thanks for reading! Cheers to your 2016!

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