Generally Accepted Terms

I have lamented before that every community used different terminology for different things, and how this can be confusing if you travel a lot. Every scene has their own inside jokes. However, there definitely are some terms that are generally accepted in all scenes, and it’s important to get them right. People can’t make informed and consensual decisions if they are not properly informed of what is going to happen, after all. And we do always strive for safe, sane, and consensual fun.


Munch: A munch is when a group of kinky folks get together in a vanilla setting. This often involves going somewhere that serves food, so the term “munch” refers to that. However, I have also attended munches at theme parks, disused prisons, and various other interesting locations.

Note: When you agree to go to a munch, you are expected to dress vanilla unless otherwise specified. It is mostly about getting a chance to meet people, and it is generally assumed that the discussion of kink will be saved for more private areas where no one can be overheard and “outed” by accident to a co-worker of family member.


Workshop: This is when someone who has some sort of area of expertise chooses to teach the basics to others. This is generally in a private space, like a home or rented club. Dress as specified, because sometimes a group doesn’t want to attract attention, and will ask for vanilla dress. My favorite workshop that I have attended was at a public dungeon called the CSPC, and again, this was strictly for learning purposes. Play is not on the table for such events.

Note: When you agree to go to a workshop, you realize there will be frank discussions about kink-related things. A good presenter usually makes handouts, and sometimes brings another person to demonstrate a specific thing (for proper flogging techniques, I might bring my husband and demonstrate on him.)

play party

Play Party: For a play party, you can expect it to be at a private home because most are. Usually you will be invited to bring your own toys, and other people will bring theirs. It is okay to actually use the toys, and sometimes toys can be shared between consenting folks, so make sure to bring cleaning agents if you plan to bring toys and loan them out. Again, you may be asked to dress vanilla so as not to attract attention to the house of the host, or you may be invited to dress in kink attire. Always ask.

Note: When you agree to go to a play party, you are obviously consenting to seeing people naked. After all, a good flogging session doesn’t involve clothes. You will see other people playing. Note that you must always give a decent amount of space for a scene, so the Dom has room to swing things and not hit you. Remember that it is never okay to interrupt someone else scene or try to involve yourself if you were not invited, and it is never okay to touch someone else’s toys without permission.


Orgy: These can be at swinger’s clubs like The Velvet Rope and Club Desire, or they can be at a private home. Generally it is expected that you will bring condoms (regardless of your gender) and that you will follow the same rules as a play party in terms of respecting someone’s space unless invited. Even at an orgy, rape is still not okay. Dress, again, depends on the host. Many people who host parties do not want their neighbors to know, so vanilla clothing is often expected.

Note: Going to an orgy does not mean you consent to sex. You can just go and watch. People are still expected to respect your personal space unless invited into it, and you should still negotiate all scenes before they take place. You are consenting to see people naked, but this does not mean you have to be naked. Remember to give everyone space and, as was the motto of Club Sesso, “Don’t be a creep.”

Remember: If you organize events, you need to use the correct terms. People need to know what they are consenting to in advance. You do not want to create an atmosphere where people feel uncomfortable, because this reflects poorly on the community as a whole, and no one should want to do that.


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I am going to be ridiculous right now and I am sorry for that. But, I hate living on a tropical island in the middle of nowhere. I am thousands of miles from any good kink communities, and the dating scene here is a nightmare.

So, what have a been doing?

I work a lot. And I snorkel. And I miss things like Cupcake Fetish Parties, the CSPC, and Club Desire. I have been so many cool places and done so many cool kinky things. And now I am here.

I will make peace with this. But for now, I fear I have nothing to write about. I am stranded on an island with nothing much going on. I miss kink. I miss having things to write about here. But I guess this chapter of my life doesn’t get to include much of that, beyond what my husband and I do at home.


Easy Erotic Engineering



A few years back I met a guy in Seoul who was there as a visiting scientist helping the Korean government with a project. We dated while he was in Korea, and it was lot of fun. He had a PHD and was a really interesting person to drink with.

When he left Korea, he decided to quit his job at the University where he worked, and instead help people have better and more creative orgasms.

His first project, the X-1, was a new approach to vibrator technology. Later, the Ambrosia Vibe created a new way for women who like women or who peg men to experience sex.

His latest project, however, is the coolest one yet. It’s called the Master Beta Kit. It’s a vibrator kit with a arduino, and simple instructions on how to program the vibrator to do different things. This is erotic engineering for all the geeks who dabble in kink and programming! (Like my husband, for one.)

I am really excited to see how this project goes, and what Doctor Xtreme comes up with in the future. Never a dull moment with a PHD-turned-sex-toy-maker!


BDSM Acceptance


Having been in the community a long time, a great many of the people that I have met like to live the lifestyle 24/7. Ropes under clothes at work. Giving their submissives permission to eat, dictating how they dress, etc…

I have always thought that lifestyle was fascinating (your whole life basically becomes about sex) but I have simply never had time to consider such a thing. The nature of me as a person is to stay busy. There is nothing at all I can do to change the fact that I tend to have a LOT going on in my life other than sex. That is not to say that sex is not important- only to say that I can’t help being busy with lots and lots of things.


Still, I respect the people who are into BDSM in public, or who are “out” in real life, or who live the lifestyle all the time. Sometimes I wish I could do that, too.

Due to a few articles I have read recently, I have realized that it is those folks who are “out” in real life and who play all the time that are fighting for the acceptance of BDSM in the mainstream. It is them who are fighting for MY rights. And I really appreciate it. It makes me feel almost ashamed to hide my whips in the closet when my husband’s friends come over.

So props to the kids who devote all their time to BDSM and pushing BDSM rights and acceptance. I admire you all.


Feminists in BDSM

My husband is a feminist. That means that he believes in equal rights for both men and women. I am also a feminist. This is hard for both of us because he is in the military. I can not tell you how horrible the other military spouses have been to me because I work, make more money than my husband, believe in enjoying sex, etc…

One theme comes up over and over. These women, when it comes right down to it, are close-minded and stuck in the 1950’s. They actually talk about how giving blowjobs is gross. Many of them insist that they would never do it. To them, a blowjob is kinky and scary and strange.

So I began to see a correlation of sorts; particularly when trying to date other men associated with the military (because that’s a whole lot of what there is in Guam.)

These men think feminism is a bad word, and they are afraid of me because I know what I want. They think going down on a girl is gross, and don’t have a clue how the female orgasm works.

And more and more I am beginning to see that kinky people are mostly feminists, and vanilla people are still fighting away at some silly “battle of the sexes” watching terrible comedians who mock women for being too stupid to get dressed on time, and mock men for being too stupid to load a dishwasher.

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So let’s talk about this.

First, my husband is able to load a dishwasher. He is not unable to do household tasks, and the idea that men are “too stupid for housework” is simply a trick men pulled on women to keep them in their place. Don’t fall into that trap, because that isn’t helping anyone.

A man can do anything a woman can do, and I know many men who are capable of cooking, cleaning, sowing, knitting, and all kinds of “girl” things.

Also, I can work on a car. I can shoot a gun. I can do all kinds of things that are “boy” things, and so can other women.

We are both capable genders with lots going for us. Maybe women take a little longer to get ready because shaving takes time and makeup takes time, and girl clothes are a pain in the ass. But if you mock a women for this, you may end up with one that doesn’t wear makeup or girl clothes or shave. So keep it in perspective.

Meanwhile, men are not often as adept at housework right off the bat because no one taught them. Women often endure a great deal of socialization by their mothers (“Let me show you how to do the laundry honey. You’ll need to wash your husband’s clothes some day.”) Men do not get that socialization and so they often have a steeper learning curve.


None of this is in any way related to our value as humans.

Women are worth exactly what men are worth.

We are as capable.

The places I see these artificial barriers the most are with less educated and more vanilla folks. And so I just want to take a moment to thank my beloved BDSM community for being full of people smart enough to raise themselves up beyond the divisive bullshit and actually see what equality means.

If you are reading this blog, then I imagine you are a feminist. So am I. So is my husband. And the facts stand. We’re better in bed, we have more fun, and we treat everyone with respect. I hope someday the rest of the world catches up with us.





On my recent vacation my husband and I spent a lot of time with one of my exes. I am told that should be uncomfortable, but it really wasn’t.

I often have people tell me that you’re not supposed to talk to your exes, or introduce current lovers to them, or a host of other societal norms that I guess seemed to make sense in High School.

However, I wonder why these things follow us into adulthood. As we grow and become more emotionally mature, break-ups are (hopefully) less childish and spiteful. And it seems more natural to keep in touch with exes, as they share a part of your story and always will. (And maybe also children.)

For me, I have several exes that I was with for a long time or whom I had a lot of meaningful interactions with, and so it seems like tossing them aside would be like throwing away a part of myself.

I don’t mean to say that everyone should always be close with people they have dated. Everyone knows their own limits and there’s a lot to be said for that.

For me, I think my exes tend to enjoy each other’s company (as I guess I have “a type”) and I enjoy having them meet and share perspectives.

I think this is more common in the BDSM community, as it is mostly my vanilla friends that balk at the idea of staying friends with former lovers. So perhaps that says something about the overall emotional maturity of the community compared to the world at large.

For me, each person I spent a part of my life with shares a part of my story. I have one ex who doesn’t speak to me, and I hate that because I feel like that part of my story is gone. I do remember some things from then, of course. But it’s a shame not to have anyone to talk to about those times.

I don’t know how it is for all of you- my fellow kinky folks. But I know my husband doesn’t feel threatened by my exes, and I know I enjoy having them around. It seems really important to me to have all those pieces of myself close by forever.

Negotiating Rules in Poly Relationships



A friend of mine who is in a ploy marriage recently posted on a social networking site to tell people how he handles his relationship, because so many people had asked.

Meanwhile, I am currently working on negotiating a play relationship with another married person who is also poly, and they have very different rules than my husband and I do.

This made me think that a discussion of common rules in poly relationships was called for.


First, here are some common rules:

1. No spending the night with anyone but the emotional primary.

2. No interaction between the secondary partner and any children.

3. All information on relationships outside the primary should be shared upon request.

4. STD tests must be traded with any potential partners before any sexual activity.

5. Emotional primary must meet and approve secondary partners.

Now as I said, these are common rules. It just so happens that my husband and I don’t follow most of these, since we’re not terribly concerned about things like spending nights away from each other now and then.

We do strictly follow the STD testing rule, but that is because we are both STD-free and trying to keep it that way as long as we live.

We don’t have children together, and I know that for me personally, I am more comfortable not interacting with a secondary’s children. My play partner in Oregon had three children that I never met, because I requested not to. The person I am currently in negotiations with also has a child, and I have been uncomfortable when he has brought his child along to meet-ups. I have nothing against children, and I love my son (though he is grown up and on his own now.) However, it feels unfair (to me!) to interact with someone else’s children in case they get attached (as children often do.) My secondary relationships are contingent on where we live, and as my husband is military, we move a lot. I don’t want to form a bond with a child that I won’t know for very long.

However, I leave it up to my husband if he wants to interact with potential play-partner’s children or not. I feel it is a personal choice and I don’t have much of a right to tell him what to do.


For us, we have a strict rule that we come first to each other, and that is the only rule besides the STD testing that I feel matters to me. Some poly couples are upset by the idea of their emotional primary developing feelings of love for another person, but I have never found that to be a concern for me. Loving another person is fine. However, because trust is so important to us, and because we are a team and are supposed to have each other’s backs, I would be hurt if my husband put someone before me when I needed him.

Again, these rules are different for everyone. And for my husband and I, it has depended on if we were in the same place or not. I might ignore a message from him when we live apart if I am on a date, which would seem to the casual observer to be putting someone else before him. But to us, when we live apart, it’s important to be where you are. And so, I would chat with him after my date instead, telling him as many or as few details as he wanted.

If you are not sure what you are comfortable with and what you want in a relationship, there are a lot of books that can help. My favorite is Opening Up, because it has worksheets and detailed explanations of common emotions people experience in various situations.

I think the most important part is to be honest with yourself. Emotions are tricky things that can sneak up and bite you when you aren’t looking. Take some time to really get to know yourself, because it will help you decide in what ways you are comfortable interacting with another person.

Then, remember to be honest with your partner. If you want to change a point that you have already negotiated, let them know how and why you want to change it, and have a discussion about comfort zones.

Remember to always be respectful of your partner’s feelings and your own. If they want to spend the night with someone and you are not okay with that, don’t sit at home and stew about how angry you are! Be honest with them, and talk about why this limit is important to you.

(For me, I am fine with him spending the night places, but not with girls spending the night at our house unless the three of us intend to play together.)

Take each other’s feelings into account in each step of the dating process, and try to always make sure that your partner isn’t just saying that they are okay when they really aren’t.

Of course you will have situations where you get really angry. Your emotional primary will not always see things the same way as you. You might even get angry enough to yell! But this is normal, and sometimes it can’t be helped. There are not standardized rules for these types of relationships, and there is no traditional script. A normal monogamous relationship is full of reinforced cultural bias that seems to lurk in every sitcom, book, or story of any kind. And these cultural stereotypes create a model for a relationship, so that you are rarely stepping outside of a paradigm that feels safe.

In a poly relationship, you are often stepping out of your comfort zone and into all kinds of territory that is strange and uncharted. So take it one day at a time and figure out what works for you. Be patient with yourself and with your partner. As long as you can always do that, you should be fine.