Me Too Fallout

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The Me Too Movement got a lot of press for a while, but it seems like only a few people actually got what it was about. Since it happened, there has been a torrent of ill-informed folks claiming that:

Men don’t know how to act anymore around women and it’s such a dangerous time for them.”

This toxic bullshit seems to be the only lasting effect of the Me Too Movement, and that is a shame.

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First: Let’s talk about why the assumptions behind this statement are absolute garbage. Let’s use an example from the collective consciousness.

Legend has it that there was a Hero Among Men who used to go to a dance club in LA. He was a big guy, and he always wore slutty clothes that showed off his gorgeous abs. So, this savior of leather and silk would watch the dance floor until he saw a sleezeball go up to a woman he didn’t know and start grinding on her. When he saw this happen, he would go up behind the offending male and start grinding on his ass.

Inevitably, the sleezeball would turn around and freak out, saying: “Dude, what the fuck? I don’t know you! Don’t fucking touch me!”

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The Hero Among Men would explain to the sleezeball that women feel the same way when a strange guy comes up and starts grinding on them. They go out to dance with their girlfriends and maybe do some consensual dancing with a man who asks them first, but they do not want gross guys rubbing their nasty little hardons all over their dresses all night.

Even though that is a perfectly clear and very true statement, sleezeball guys never understand. Ergo, they would tend to leave in a huff, rather than stay and risk being touched without their consent.

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That story is a great example of how men always know exactly where the line is when it is a gay man hitting on them. They want bodily autonomy. They want their personal space respected. They don’t want men to grab or touch them without permission. The line is clear.

I actually saw this all the time at both the dungeon and the bar that I worked at in my twenties. Any time a gay guy would compliment a straight man (Example: “You look really sexy sucking on that straw”) the straight men receiving the “compliment” would lose their minds being offended and upset.

One guy jumped out of his chair and screamed at the top of his lungs: “This faggot just tried to hit on me! Y’all be careful or he’ll do it to you, too!” It was a very dramatic overreaction to a compliment.

So even when it’s just a “compliment,” straight men know right where the line is.

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The issue is actually that straight men don’t think of women as people, and so they don’t think they deserve respect. As long as they are sub-human creatures who don’t deserve respect, it really doesn’t matter if you violate their personal space or get creepy with a “compliment.”

Most straight men don’t want to afford women the same respect that they expect to get themselves.

I want you to think about that, because it is at the very heart of the problem. If straight men gave women the same respect that they expect from gay men, there would be no need for sexual harassment training seminars or harassment lawsuits. The only reason we have these problems is because men want to keep giving women the same level of consideration that they always have (that of a lesser) instead of the level of respect that we deserve (that of an equal.)

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And please, don’t use the excuse that women want to be treated that way.

Look, women in the 1950’s might have accepted that sort of treatment because they thought that they didn’t deserve (or couldn’t get) better. That is sad, and I feel desperately sorry for those women. However, no woman wants to be treated like that now. We do not want men being pushy after we say no, because when we say no we mean it. I don’t care if your grandma used to say no when she meant yes. That was a long time ago, and all women were saying during the Me Too Movement is: We don’t want to be treated like that.

Woman are not mysterious creatures who don’t communicate what they want. In fact, women tend to speak very clearly about what they want, and anyone who is listening is easily able to tell. Women want the same respect that men get, and the same autonomy to say no when we are not interested.

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Happy New Year 2019!

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Hey there kinky folks! Somehow it’s already 2019. I know it’s cliche, but the older I get, the faster the years fly by. It seems insane that it’s only one more year until we’re in the 20’s!

Anyway, I want to apologize for not being very good at upkeep last year. I only answered about half of my fan mail (sorry to you all because usually I respond to everyone- even the creepy guys.) I also haven’t been to good at writing posts.

It was a very busy year in 2018, and I traveled a lot. In 2019, I hope to stay on the island for the entire year and just get stuff done.

Anyway, I hope that you have a fabulous 2019! And, I hope I find some kinky fun in Oahu to write about.

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The Sex Club Problem

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I have been to sex clubs all over the world, from Paris to Portland. I used to work in a dungeon. And, in all my time enjoying kink clubs and swinger’s clubs, there has always been a huge problem: Single men.

Now, some men (you know the type) will immediately challenge this statement by asking what a man even is in these “crazy times” and then babble on about equality and how women don’t really want it because blah blah blah.

I’m going to dismiss those MRA arguments out of hand, because no one on The Red Pill should be going to sex clubs. If you don’t respect women, then you shouldn’t get to have sex with them. I firmly believe that the best way to deal with men who look down on women is to make sure that they never, ever get to touch another vagina as long as they live.

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For the rest of us who are not complete assholes, we know what I mean when I say that single men are a problem at sex clubs.

Picture this: You go to a club with your wife, and you are excited to find a couple to swing with. You talk to a few people, and one couple agrees. You’ve been fantasizing about it for years, and it’s like a dream come true to actually have the chance to play out this scenario.

Unfortunately, it’s very hard to enjoy it in real life because there are three single guys watching you and wacking off, and they keep trying to touch the ladies without permission.

We’ve all been there. If you’ve been to a few sex clubs, then you have had to deal with the creepy single guy. He wasn’t cool enough to get a girl to go with him, but the club let him in anyway, and now he’s just being a creeper. (Not that any guy ever thinks he’s being a creeper, but so many of them are ALL THE TIME.)

This is why single guys ruin sex clubs.

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Now, this is largely a masculinity problem. Guys are not encouraged to be bisexual because it’s not “manly.” This is a crying shame, because it means that men often never try sex with another man. I mean, you might not be attracted to men as romantic partners, but getting fucked in the ass feels good for men. That’s where their g-spot is. So sex with men would definitely have a place in the world if men would stop being so desperately repressed about their sexuality and teaching their sons to be the same way.

Alas!- This is the world we live in. Most men don’t go to sex clubs hoping for a threesome with their wife and another guy. Mostly, they go hoping for a threesome with their wife and another girl. I’m not saying that it’s right; I’m just saying it’s how it is. And if the club lets in single men, they tend to stand around peerving on everyone else because no one wants them to join in.

How can we solve this?

Well, Club Desire is Seoul solves this by not letting any single people in. All people must come in couples or MFF triads. Yes, this does make threesomes harder to have. But there is no reason you can’t get creative with fun configurations in a foursome. Is this the best solution? Maybe not. But it works. There are never any creepy single men hovering around and being grabby at Club Desire.

Meanwhile, sex clubs in the US tend to solve this by charging a small fee for single women, a larger fee for couples, and the highest fee of all for single men. This tends to balance out the numbers a little better, and it helps avoid too many sweaty guys ruining your scenes by getting underfoot and trying to cop a feel.

But how should we solve this?

If you ask me, the best possible way would be to attack the underlying problem, which is the Patriarchy.

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See, the patriarchy ruins sex clubs in two ways:

1. It tells men that gay sex is “sissy stuff” and that it is “not manly” so that men mostly don’t hook up with men. This is too bad. If single men at sex clubs were hooking up with each other, they wouldn’t be harassing all the women there and making a scene. Everyone is a little bi-curious, and it’s not like having gay sex makes you gay. It’s just a fun thing to try; like wormwood or LSD.

2. Women tend to have to be dragged to sex clubs by their significant others. However, I know lots of women who would really like to go to a sex club. Even some of my vanilla friends from college would be really, really down to play if they thought it was “okay.” The problem is that Patriarchy tells them that it is not okay. It slut-shames them and tells them that their worth is tied to their sexual fidelity and purity. In other words: Most women have a gangbang fantasy, but very few feel that they can live it out because men shame them for even thinking it.

And by the way: Why is that?!? Men, you watch gangbang porn and think it’s hot. Why would you shame a woman for doing it when you love to watch women do it?

This is why those of us that enjoy sex clubs should all be feminists.

The idea behind feminism is to dismantle the patriarchy and create true equality. That means letting men feel safe experimenting with same-sex hookups, and it means ending slut-shaming so that women can be the crazy-sexual creatures that we are on the inside.

So that’s my plan. I’ll need your help, but I think we can do it. Let’s dismantle the patriarchy and fight for true equality. We can save sex clubs by dismantling the patriarchy and bring the dreams of feminists into reality.

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Cuddles

This last year I haven’t kept up on the blog very well. I tried, but I had a lot going on. I spent the month of January traveling around Australia. Then I went home and wrote and published a novel that I had been meaning to create. Then I packed up my house and did the mountains of paperwork required for a military PCS. And finally, I spent the holidays traveling around the US seeing friends and family.

It’s been hard to get Internet access on my laptop (which I haven’t even always had with me) and it’s been hard to have a space to sit down and write.

However, I hope to move into temporary housing soon in my new home (which is Oahu, Hawaii.) I should have more time to write once that happens.

Anyway, what I really want to talk about today is cuddles. My husband hasn’t been with me for any of my travels, and I’ve mostly been without a romantic partner. That doesn’t mean that I have been alone. In fact, for much of the time I was with friends.

However, I felt awkward asking them for the cuddles.

That’s a bad thing because humans really need physical contact to be happy. It’s an important part of our well-being because it creates oxytocin (a chemical that is associated with love and joy.)

So, why couldn’t I just ask?

My friends in Australia were straight females, and I knew that if I asked for cuddles, they would think I was hitting on them. I didn’t want to do that because they would be upset about it.

My friend in Colorado -whom I stayed with- actually probably needed cuddles too, but it was her house and so I felt like it needed to be her that reached out… and she didn’t.

My friends in Arizona… well, one of them is like a brother to me and I should have been able to ask him for cuddles, but I was afraid he would think I actually meant sex. I’m never sure how to draw that line nicely, without giving offense. (I mean- I think of him as a brother, but I don’t think that’s how he thinks of me.)

Another friend I stayed with… I’ve actually always wanted to have sex with him, but we’ve been friends for twenty years and never had sex, and I was worried it might damage our friendship. I didn’t ask him for cuddles because I thought I might cross a line if we cuddled… and his St. Andrews Cross was, like, right there. So, temptation and all that.

There was this one guy; and he was smoking hot. I mean; he’s crazy-beautiful. We met online because he’s a friend of a friend, and I went to talk to him about doing the audiobook for my new novel. Seeing him in person and seeing his beautiful hair cascading over his perfect shoulders… I wanted him so bad. But the conventional wisdom is that you shouldn’t fuck up business with sex. And besides, he had a roommate who seemed to be really keen to hang pretty close to us.

It got me thinking: We put up a lot of obstacles to physical affection.

I mean, we’re just full of excuses for why physical affection isn’t appropriate! In Oregon I cuddled up to a good friend of mine who I know from my time in South Korea. It was a non-sexual cuddle as it always is. I just wanted to feel close to him and so I rested my head on his shoulder and put my arms around him. This is something we’ve done for ages, but his girlfriend was not pleased. In fact, she took a picture of us and showed my husband the picture and her anger about it (he laughed at her, but that’s not the point.)

What I’m trying to say is that humans need cuddles to be happy, and we should all stop acting like we don’t. It should be acceptable to just go up and cuddle a friend, even if they have a significant other or if they are straight and you are gay. Non-sexual (and also sexual) cuddling should be way less stigmatized.

Another reason it’s messed up that asking for cuddles is so awkward is because you can pay for cuddles. There is apparently nothing that we won’t commodity in a Capitalist society, and cuddling has become a job that you can do for money. If that doesn’t drive home the true soulless nature of our society, I don’t know what does.

I’m just so grossed out with how cold and distance the world seems. How can we be happy when we’re so isolated from ourselves and from each other? It shouldn’t be this way.

I admit, I am older. But, I’m not going to blame the Internet like everyone else does. Yes, we can interact online now in addition to interacting in person. But if you ask me, all that has done is improve dating (by narrowing it down to mostly people you want prior to meeting.) I don’t think the Internet is the issue here, because the icy nature of life was more apparent to me in person than it ever has been through a computer.

Perhaps it’s just because so many countries are experiencing depression-era conditions. I did notice a huge increase in the tent cities people are living in, and I talked to homeless folks who work 40 hours a week and still can’t afford a place to live. So, it’s possible that the low wages and high cost of living have left people too stressed out to form meaningful emotional bonds.

It could be the divisive nature of things lately. I know that I lost a life-long friend because I refused to support Trump. He went all racist and crazy, and I couldn’t handle it. Another person I care deeply for has fallen into the MRA movement, and we all know what scum they are. I used to love him, and it hurts me deeply to see him claiming outlandish things (like saying feminists “hate men,” and refusing to listen to the truth that we just want equality for all.) There is A LOT of racist and sexist rhetoric out there, and it could be pushing people apart.

And as for the paid cuddles, I can’t tell if that is part of the problem (commodification of a thing makes it seem inappropriate for free) or if it’s just a symptom (since no one wants to cuddle or feels comfortable cuddling, people will pay for it.)

I also know that I personally avoided some sex I wanted to have out of fear of STIs. There are some incurable strains going around, and I just don’t want to bring creepy-crawlies home to the husband.

I don’t know what-all is causing this lack of cuddles and sex and affection.

All I know is, it fucking sucks. This was the least cuddly year I have ever had, and I hated it. And, I don’t know… I just think I can’t be the only person who is lonely.

So, maybe talk to your friends about it? Bring it up? Maybe we can all just admit that leaning against another human on the couch while watching TV is a nice thing to be able to do, and we should all do it more?

I think we’d all feel better.

Happy Halloween!

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I’ve written before about how much I love Halloween  because it’s the one day a year that, instead of giving me dirty looks, people say “Nice costume!” It’s really wonderful to be able to walk around dressed in Domme gear instead of having to bring it all in a bag and get dressed in the bathroom of a venue (I learned the hard way that you do not want to get pulled over by a cop while wearing vinyl because they do not like that, so change when you get there.) But on Halloween, all things are permitted.

As I have often said, I love this. I don’t slut-shame the sexy nurses, sexy kitty cats, or any other silly costume marketed to women. I don’t care that women use Halloween as an excuse to dress as something that they never normally would. In fact. I think that is great!

However this year, a reader asked me a new question that I have never even thought of before, and it kind of blew my mind. He wrote: “Do you get upset when vanilla women dress up as a Dominatrix on Halloween? Isn’t this cultural appropriation?”

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So first, I want to say that I think it’s pretty shitty when people make a culture into a costume. I have Native American friends, and I am super offended when I see someone wearing a cheap, fake headdress made out of chicken feathers and calling themselves “Chief Wanna-Bang-You” or some other disgraceful shit. Fuck people who do that.

And second, I want to agree that Kink is a culture, and that a vanilla woman dressing up as a Domme for Halloween is definitely appropriation of a culture. HOWEVER, I do not think it is offensive. Look; that might be a personal thing. Maybe I am wrong (and if so please write to me and tell me why!)

It’s just that to me, shaming someone for cultural appropriation requires that the appropriation actually does some damage. And honestly, I think kink fiction written by vanilla people (such as 50 Shades of Grey) does a lot more damage than some vanilla wife playing Domme could ever do. I just mean, I think that standard we should use when we decide if something is appropriation is: Does it cause harm? And I don’t think that a vanilla woman in a fake pleather outfit with a thin, novelty whip is hurting anyone (literally or metaphorically.)

Halloween is my favorite holiday, and I don’t want people to be dicks on Halloween. So don’t appropriate someone’s culture. Be respectful of Native Americans, Black Americans, and everyone the fuck else. But on the other side of it, don’t be a white person who wants to call people out just for fun, because those people turn Halloween into a nightmare by actively trying to get offended.

Also, do not spread all that bullshit about how stoners are going to give your kids drugs. Drugs are very expensive, and no one is going to give them away on Halloween. The Beckys who push this crap are really ruining a perfectly good holiday.

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The Politics of Dating

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The man enjoys free time while the woman cleans and cares for the baby. This is the narrative that men are pushing as “normal.”

When I was a little girl, I remember being taught a narrative by adults and the media. It was: “Girls want to get married, and boys don’t.” This was largely true in the 1980’s, because women still weren’t allowed to do most jobs, and they were paid significantly less than men for the same work. They had to get married or face extreme poverty. Without any real choice, women got married.

During my lifetime, I have seen things change dramatically. Women have a choice now. The pay gap is still there in most fields, but it is smaller. And these days, there are very few jobs that still exclude women.

Of course, the pink tax is still holding women back. And, the lack of paid maternity leave and government daycare often places and unfair burden on women (who are still overwhelmingly doing all the childcare.)

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Items for women are taxed extra, such as tampons and makeup.

However, we have come much closer to equality. As this has happened, there has also been a fundamental shift in the dating community and in which gender most hopes to get married.

According to recent studies, men benefit from marriage. They report higher levels of happiness, and they enjoy better health. Marriage is a good deal for men.

However, the opposite is true for women. Married women tend to be more overweight, and more likely to suffer from poor health and stress. In fact, divorcesource.com claims that 80% of all divorces are filed by women. This is in spite of the fact that changes in the law mean that women tend to get nothing in a divorce besides what they came into the marriage with.

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A man relaxes while a woman cleans around him.

So why are so many women refusing marriage, and so many more choosing divorce? To start with, studies show that male attitudes have not changed in spite of the shift in culture.

When I was a child, the bureau of labor reports that only about 50% of women were working. However, women are at nearly full employment now. (Excluding cults like the FLDS and the Quiverfull Movement which oppress women from childhood and force them into an endless cycle of pregnancy and birth until they die.)

What this means is that any women you date (if you are not in a cult) will be working full-time. Yet, studies show that men still expect women to do all of the unpaid emotional labor, housework, and cooking. A man who does any of these things in the course of a relationship sees it as him “helping out” instead of simply carrying his own weight like he should. The statistics get even worse once a couple has a child, and studies show that women do nearly all of the childcare, including taking days off when a child is sick.

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“The second shift” refers to married woman having two full time jobs while men only have one.

This unequal power dynamic in relationships has caused serious problems. Women are tired of having to do the same amount of work as a man outside the home, and then being expected to do all of the work inside the home (while their male partner focuses on “guy time” and leisure activities such as video games and male-oriented outings.)

How does this change the politics of dating?

Well, men are far more hostile because they are rejecting equality. Some have blamed this on the Internet, but studies show that even when men meet a woman in-person, they are more hostile towards the woman and reject the idea of feminism in a majority of the cases.

Anti-woman groups like the MRA movement and Incles have swelled in number, and the general sentiment among men seems to be that women are “just after their money.”

Oddly, this narrative is pushed in culture exclusively by men. The idea that women want money and gifts from a man is mentioned with an 86% frequency among men (showing that nearly all men believe this outlandish claim.)

Another odd thing: Men claim that women refuse to date ugly men in spite of the overwhelming prevalence in culture of ugly men with attractive women and ugly women alone.

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In culture, we actually accept fat men with skinny women. However, there are no fat women with skinny men.

(Note: If you don’t read any of the other links, read that last one. It’s about a trend called “pigging” where men find a fat girl and pretend to love her until finally standing her up publicly while shaming her for her weight. Men go out of their way to hurt fat women while women go out of their way to make unattractive men feel comfortable.)

However, women felt completely differently.

When asked how women felt about dating and what they wanted in a mate, women overwhelmingly said they wanted someone who would treat them as an equal. They didn’t care that much about looks or money. They wanted men to do an equal share of the emotional labor in a relationship, and an equal share of household tasks. They also wanted to be valued and have their time considered as important as that of their mate. And not surprisingly, straight women complained about not enough orgasms.

(That last part is not new though, as the imbalance in orgasms in straight relationships has been an issue for most of history.)

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King of Queen star is fat, while his co-star is skinny and attractive.

Research suggests that this discrepancy in what men think women want and what women actually want is entirely based on a narrative pushed by men in culture. Men are the ones telling men that women want money and status. And, when a man is confronted with an actual woman telling him what she actually wants, they often refuse to accept it.

Why does it matter? Well, there are three main reasons that this really sucks:

1. It makes dating horrible. Men are aggressive and angry, and women are sad and disappointed. This makes for a host of bullshit from stealthing to ghosting, and an increase in people being stood up for dates. It is a toxic and hostile environment that makes us all dread dating.

2. The birth rate is falling fast. This may seem like a good thing since some would argue that it is better for the planet, but it is a demographic time bomb that will leave adults now with no one to care for them in their old age. It also points to serious economic issues in the future.

3. Single men who feel unable to woo a woman tend to act out in terrible ways. Rape, murder, and terrorist attacks are all too common ways that men attack women for their right to refuse a date. This creates an unfair burden on women, who are often terrified of being raped or murdered if they go on a date or refuse a date.

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Over and over we see that fat men are supposed to have hot wives and fat women get cats.

One study suggested that part of the bitterness in male culture in modern society is that men cannot produce their own offspring. While women do not need men to create a baby (sperm is cheap,) men do need women to make a baby. Therefore, in order to have offspring, a man must be able to successful woo a woman. This is very hard for many men, since they think that all women are gold-diggers who should have to do their laundry and cook for them.

The difference in expectations in not just an American problem. Women all over the world are rejecting the idea that they should have to be masters of the home and childcare, and they are asking for partners to treat them as equals.

In many countries, this has actually let to men buying wives from third world countries so that they have financial power over their wives and can force them into a tradition gender role from 100 years ago. However, many international organizations are really cracking down on sex trafficking. It is getting harder and harder for men to simply buy a wife that they can force into servitude.

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Men buy women for as little as $1,000 from some countries and then keep their passport, forcing them to be subservient.

So, what will the future hold for us? Will dating continue to be a cesspool of bullshit that frustrates us all and continues to perpetuate a useless gender war?

As far as scientists can tell, it seems unlikely that women will give up their newfound independence. They love working, living alone, and having freedom for the first time in human history. This means it will have to be the men who cave in and agree to treat women as equals if we want relationships to work in the future. (And honestly, if you are against equality you are wrong.)

For me, I feel that there is hope. In spite of Incels, Men’s Rights Activists, and other groups dedicated to the hate and oppression of women; I do think that men will come around. I think this because when I look at the dialog going on in each camp, I see similar themes.

Feminism is constantly suggesting that patriarchy hurts men as much as it does women, and citing the issue of men being told not to express emotions and instead to repress everything.  This same thing is cited by men as something that they want to change. In fact, most things that feminists argue for are things that men say that they want. This means that if men stopped arguing for just a moment and listened to what women were saying, we could actually fix all the problems in society pretty quickly.

(Note: There is no female equivalent of an MRA. I just want to point that out because groups dedicated to hating women are big, and groups dedicated to hating men are not. Women, by and large, have simply moved on to cats and vibrators.)

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Women still don’t have equal rights, and there is little hope of seeing an equal rights amendment any time soon.

As for me personally, I identify as male but I grew up in a female body.

This has forced me to see both sides of the issue in a great deal of detail. Most of my friends are men, and I form better relationships with men (women often seem to be competing with me over things I do not understand and it makes me uncomfortable.) However, there are some things that I cannot help but see as a woman because I have to pay the pink tax for my tampons.

I think a lot of queergender folks like myself- and a lot of transgender people- are seeing both sides of the “gender war” and realizing how silly it is. It’s like one of those episodes in a TV show where if everyone just talked to each other honestly, it could have all been solved in the first five minutes. However, because no one is being completely honest, things continue to get worse.

(I always hated those episodes of TV shows and found myself screaming at the TV “Just tell him/her the truth and get it over with!!)

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Fun fact: Cats are easier to clean up after and easier to cook for. Also, vibrators make women orgasm 100% of the time.

I would urge you all to do some soul-searching the figure out what you really want out of a relationship. And, if what you want is not an equal partner in all things, then maybe you need to adjust your expectations a little until they match up with reality. Right now, women are happier with a vibrator and a cat than they are with a man, according to science. I think that will continue until men step up and do their fair share.

And remember: True equality does not mean that each person gets exactly the same things. It’s harder to be a woman. The pay gap, the pink tax, periods, and childbirth make women carry a heavier burden than men. That’s not an opinion; it’s just an objective reality.

So men: “equal” means that you put in MORE than a woman for the same amount of the credit. You will have to step up and do more than half of the work when a woman is compromised by her biology, and it is fair and right that you do that. You are lucky enough to be free from many of the burdens that women carry, and you will need to recognize and respect that.

I know it’s a big shift in thinking, but it’s the only way that men and women are ever going to get back on the same page. Take it from a queergender person who really doesn’t feel like they have a dog in this fight. It’s just what the studies suggest and how culture is going. The saying is “some things never change,” but that simply isn’t  true. Given long enough, everything changes. And in this case, it should have changed a long time ago.

The part of me that is male is shamed by how long women have been oppressed and force into subservient roles, and I plan to fight for true equality because I genuinely believe that is is what we need to move forward.

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Because women carry a heavier burden due to periods and childbirth, equality would mean men shouldering more than 50% of the burden of household work to compensate.

Consensual Non-Monogamy in Media


I think Mayim Bailik is a perfectly fine actress and I hear she’s a passable scientist as well. That’s great. However, as a person, she has always rubbed me the wrong way. I don’t go out of my way to watch her talk. And yet, videos and stories about her come up from time to time on my social media. It’s always something horrible. She is constantly talking about ideals that went out in the 1950’s.

Example: During the #MeToo movement, she did a video that I saw reposted where she said that she had always dressed conservatively to avoid harassment. She went on to say that people weren’t nice to her because she dressed conservatively. Then, she said that obviously she was right all along because other girls trying to make it as actresses had been harassed. Her basic point? Dress like a whore and you deserve to get harassed.

It was slut-shaming, and it was disgusting. I was deeply sad that women with influence still say such shitty things.

So, when a video of her bashing my lifestyle came up in my feed the other day, I was pissed. It turns out it was an older video, but it still made me mad enough to post about. She went on and on about how unsettling she finds polyamory, and how we (poly folks) don’t have “real” relationships.

See for yourself exactly how shitty and clueless it was:

She literally tries to invalidate me and the way I live by saying that as a woman, I can’t possibly be in an open relationship without being wrong. Women, according to her, can’t possible care about anything but making babies. We need to “lean into our biology” by only having sex with men that we want to procreate with. I can’t tell you how offended I am that her narrow view of biology and relationships is being projected onto me. Plus, she acts like people in open relationships are the ones who are spreading STIs. That’s is the exact opposite of the truth.

Monogamous people are the ones who are constantly cheating by having one-night stands with strangers. If you don’t plan on an open relationship, then you cheat “by accident.” Statistically monogamy is an illusion. If you think your wife or husband doesn’t cheat on you, then statistically, you’re probably wrong. These one-night stands are how STIs are spread, because those people aren’t thinking at all about what they are doing. They are acting on instinct.

Meanwhile, people who are poly tend to be much more cautious about sex.

For example: the idea of a one-night stand with a stranger seems insane to me. I don’t need to get HIV or that flesh-eating STI going around in England. I don’t want to put my husband or any of my secondaries in danger! I have responsibilities, and I would never take that lightly.

So in the poly community, we talk about sex in mature ways and get tested before adding a new partner to our cluster. There are exceptions sometimes, but they are carefully considered exceptions, not one-night stands in a club bathroom.

Monogamous people cheat even when they are happy. And, because they are sneaking around, they are more likely to engage in irresponsible hookups that spread Sexually Transmitted Infections. The data is in: Monogamous people are spreading the STIs.

Anyway, later Maryim Bailik tried to fix her terrible video by posting this:

She does apologize for being a close-minded person. However, the way she does it is pretty rude. She says “It’s all so complicated” as if it’s too hard to understand us, so that it’s not worth it.

I get that she was doing her best to apologize for being ignorant, and I appreciate that she tried. However, she can’t really be that sorry about promoting her 1950’s values because she has always done it, and she still is.

At the end, she gets mad at us. She says we “make her feel boring” about being a person who chose to marry, be monogamous, and breed. It makes me really mad that anyone would expect me to be responsible for their choices! If she feels boring, then she should make different choices. However, she should not blame people who lead more interesting lives.

I guess I’m just tired of how we always get portrayed as immoral sluts who cannot feel love. And then, if we work hard to justify our lifestyle, then they still find a way to be down on us because we make them feel bad.