Censorship and BDSM

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I am so relieved that Fetlife.com is still up. When they took down the personals section in Craigslist and all those other websites, I thought that Fetlife was next. When all that was going on, we were about to move from Guam to Hawaii, and I was like “How are we going to make new friends after we move?”

Thankfully, that wasn’t a problem.

However, that doesn’t mean we should let our guard down. There is a lot of censorship going on lately in other areas, and maybe we all think it’s for the best to ban a shitty Nazi or take away Alex Jones show (they are horrible!) But, we have to be watchful because it could be us next.

I would encourage you all to think about the balance between free speech and censorship. I know it’s not sexy and there are no whips and chains involved, but spare a minute anyway.

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My second degree is in Communications, and that involved a lot of Media Law classes and Constitutional Law classes. Where it sits right now, free speech ends at harm. So a shitty Nazi telling people to kill Jews is trying to incite violence, and that is a type of harm. You’re not allowed to say that you want to kill the President because that is a type of harm (although- only to him.) And of course, the old example of not being able to yell “fire” in a theater is just another example of a way to cause harm.

Keeping this principle in mind, let’s try to keep anything that could be construed as harm off of our sites. You know what I mean. If you see something shady in our community, say something. It’s up to us to police ourselves so that we can mount a good legal defense if they come for us.

I know that may ring a little paranoid to some ears, but then, folds told me before the Edward Snowden revelations that it was silly of me to think that the government was spying on its own citizens. Afterwards, everyone just got kind of awkward when they realized that an NSA agent had probably seen their dick pic.

The point is, we all need to be mindful of censorship and how it can affect us. This is a conservative era and online communities are being affected. Let’s make sure we’re not one of them.

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BDSM Resources

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It’s been a while since I’ve done a post about helpful resources for new kinksters, so I guess I’ll do one.

First, it’s awesome to learn from the people who are out there putting in the time to teach. I highly recommend Jay Wiseman, Midori, The Knotty Boys, and Janet Hardy. I’m not much of a teacher myself, even though I do my best to mentor the kinklings. But the real pros have more information and it’s better organized. Look to them.


Here’s Hardwire


Second, it’s all about head space. Where you exist in your mind is where it’s at. You can have a kink relationship with a vanilla person without them even knowing it by choosing to submit or to dominate in your own way and viewing the relationship in those terms in your own head. Seriously, kink happens in the mind.

Since kink is in your head, confidence is your biggest asset when you want to play a scene. For that, I recommend some great music. I like Faderhead, Element a440, Marilyn Manson, and Hardwire. However, you should find what works for you and makes you feel sexy and in the space that you want to be.


Here’s element a440.


Third, don’t buy cheap toy sets from a sex shop. Get some good quality leather that will last longer and be more fun to play with. You can find awesome vendors for cuffs, custom collars, floggers, and paddles. Just do some digging. If you won’t search for independent vendors, at least go through somewhere like Stockroom.com instead of Castle Boutique. (No offense to Castle- but they do carry lower-quality kink gear.)

There’s no “right” or “wrong” way to be you, but the main thing that defines the kink community is our focus on consent. In the vanilla world men touch women without consent and pressure them into things. We’re not like that. You should probably fill out a negotiation form or a BDSM Checklist before you play, and you should make sure never to get pushy and rapey with someone (unless they specifically tell you that their kink is for you to be pushy.) Communication is the best way to avoid confusion so TALK TO EACH OTHER.

Honestly, we make a lot of this stuff up as we go because BDSM is like Polyamory: It’s not represented in culture and there are not examples in your day-to-day life to model. But if you need a mentor, join Fetlife.com and go to a munch to meet people. We’ll help you.


Here’s Faderhead

Teaching

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I haven’t written  in ages because I’ve been really sick (not with a virus; like- the serious kind of sick.)

However, I was inspired to by a girl we’ll call Cupcake. She put out a call on a vanilla social media platform asking for advice on being a Domme. I hooked her up with a link to Midori, (a master) and didn’t think much else about it.

Then she wrote to me again. She had some interactions in the kink space that she wanted to discuss. Of course my initial response was to put her off. I’d never win any prizes in a narcissism contest because I’m firmly convinced that there are a million better teachers out there. But then I thought, well, I’m the most available to her and so I should help.

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As Cupcake and I talked, I felt inspired. I often get sort of bored with life (and kink) for periods of time. I guess it’s partially due to my health problems and partially due to the general existential crisis all conscious beings go through from time to time. Yet, I found myself pulled out of it by seeing kink through fresh eyes, as a new and exciting adventure.

This- when you get right down to it- is why those of us with decades of experience should be teaching and giving back to the newbies. We often feel put-upon when grilled about things we have explained hundreds of times, but we forget that it keeps the love of kink alive inside of us, too. Seeing anything in life through fresh eyes makes it beautiful again.

So, dear followers, find yourself a Cupcake of your own and be a mentor. It’s important so that the newbies learn to treat each other with respect and to value consent above all else. But it’s also important to keep us engaged so we still show up at munches and participate in the conversations.

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Me Too Fallout

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The Me Too Movement got a lot of press for a while, but it seems like only a few people actually got what it was about. Since it happened, there has been a torrent of ill-informed folks claiming that:

Men don’t know how to act anymore around women and it’s such a dangerous time for them.”

This toxic bullshit seems to be the only lasting effect of the Me Too Movement, and that is a shame.

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First: Let’s talk about why the assumptions behind this statement are absolute garbage. Let’s use an example from the collective consciousness.

Legend has it that there was a Hero Among Men who used to go to a dance club in LA. He was a big guy, and he always wore slutty clothes that showed off his gorgeous abs. So, this savior of leather and silk would watch the dance floor until he saw a sleezeball go up to a woman he didn’t know and start grinding on her. When he saw this happen, he would go up behind the offending male and start grinding on his ass.

Inevitably, the sleezeball would turn around and freak out, saying: “Dude, what the fuck? I don’t know you! Don’t fucking touch me!”

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The Hero Among Men would explain to the sleezeball that women feel the same way when a strange guy comes up and starts grinding on them. They go out to dance with their girlfriends and maybe do some consensual dancing with a man who asks them first, but they do not want gross guys rubbing their nasty little hardons all over their dresses all night.

Even though that is a perfectly clear and very true statement, sleezeball guys never understand. Ergo, they would tend to leave in a huff, rather than stay and risk being touched without their consent.

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That story is a great example of how men always know exactly where the line is when it is a gay man hitting on them. They want bodily autonomy. They want their personal space respected. They don’t want men to grab or touch them without permission. The line is clear.

I actually saw this all the time at both the dungeon and the bar that I worked at in my twenties. Any time a gay guy would compliment a straight man (Example: “You look really sexy sucking on that straw”) the straight men receiving the “compliment” would lose their minds being offended and upset.

One guy jumped out of his chair and screamed at the top of his lungs: “This faggot just tried to hit on me! Y’all be careful or he’ll do it to you, too!” It was a very dramatic overreaction to a compliment.

So even when it’s just a “compliment,” straight men know right where the line is.

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The issue is actually that straight men don’t think of women as people, and so they don’t think they deserve respect. As long as they are sub-human creatures who don’t deserve respect, it really doesn’t matter if you violate their personal space or get creepy with a “compliment.”

Most straight men don’t want to afford women the same respect that they expect to get themselves.

I want you to think about that, because it is at the very heart of the problem. If straight men gave women the same respect that they expect from gay men, there would be no need for sexual harassment training seminars or harassment lawsuits. The only reason we have these problems is because men want to keep giving women the same level of consideration that they always have (that of a lesser) instead of the level of respect that we deserve (that of an equal.)

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And please, don’t use the excuse that women want to be treated that way.

Look, women in the 1950’s might have accepted that sort of treatment because they thought that they didn’t deserve (or couldn’t get) better. That is sad, and I feel desperately sorry for those women. However, no woman wants to be treated like that now. We do not want men being pushy after we say no, because when we say no we mean it. I don’t care if your grandma used to say no when she meant yes. That was a long time ago, and all women were saying during the Me Too Movement is: We don’t want to be treated like that.

Woman are not mysterious creatures who don’t communicate what they want. In fact, women tend to speak very clearly about what they want, and anyone who is listening is easily able to tell. Women want the same respect that men get, and the same autonomy to say no when we are not interested.

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Happy New Year 2019!

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Hey there kinky folks! Somehow it’s already 2019. I know it’s cliche, but the older I get, the faster the years fly by. It seems insane that it’s only one more year until we’re in the 20’s!

Anyway, I want to apologize for not being very good at upkeep last year. I only answered about half of my fan mail (sorry to you all because usually I respond to everyone- even the creepy guys.) I also haven’t been to good at writing posts.

It was a very busy year in 2018, and I traveled a lot. In 2019, I hope to stay on the island for the entire year and just get stuff done.

Anyway, I hope that you have a fabulous 2019! And, I hope I find some kinky fun in Oahu to write about.

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The Sex Club Problem

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I have been to sex clubs all over the world, from Paris to Portland. I used to work in a dungeon. And, in all my time enjoying kink clubs and swinger’s clubs, there has always been a huge problem: Single men.

Now, some men (you know the type) will immediately challenge this statement by asking what a man even is in these “crazy times” and then babble on about equality and how women don’t really want it because blah blah blah.

I’m going to dismiss those MRA arguments out of hand, because no one on The Red Pill should be going to sex clubs. If you don’t respect women, then you shouldn’t get to have sex with them. I firmly believe that the best way to deal with men who look down on women is to make sure that they never, ever get to touch another vagina as long as they live.

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For the rest of us who are not complete assholes, we know what I mean when I say that single men are a problem at sex clubs.

Picture this: You go to a club with your wife, and you are excited to find a couple to swing with. You talk to a few people, and one couple agrees. You’ve been fantasizing about it for years, and it’s like a dream come true to actually have the chance to play out this scenario.

Unfortunately, it’s very hard to enjoy it in real life because there are three single guys watching you and wacking off, and they keep trying to touch the ladies without permission.

We’ve all been there. If you’ve been to a few sex clubs, then you have had to deal with the creepy single guy. He wasn’t cool enough to get a girl to go with him, but the club let him in anyway, and now he’s just being a creeper. (Not that any guy ever thinks he’s being a creeper, but so many of them are ALL THE TIME.)

This is why single guys ruin sex clubs.

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Now, this is largely a masculinity problem. Guys are not encouraged to be bisexual because it’s not “manly.” This is a crying shame, because it means that men often never try sex with another man. I mean, you might not be attracted to men as romantic partners, but getting fucked in the ass feels good for men. That’s where their g-spot is. So sex with men would definitely have a place in the world if men would stop being so desperately repressed about their sexuality and teaching their sons to be the same way.

Alas!- This is the world we live in. Most men don’t go to sex clubs hoping for a threesome with their wife and another guy. Mostly, they go hoping for a threesome with their wife and another girl. I’m not saying that it’s right; I’m just saying it’s how it is. And if the club lets in single men, they tend to stand around peerving on everyone else because no one wants them to join in.

How can we solve this?

Well, Club Desire is Seoul solves this by not letting any single people in. All people must come in couples or MFF triads. Yes, this does make threesomes harder to have. But there is no reason you can’t get creative with fun configurations in a foursome. Is this the best solution? Maybe not. But it works. There are never any creepy single men hovering around and being grabby at Club Desire.

Meanwhile, sex clubs in the US tend to solve this by charging a small fee for single women, a larger fee for couples, and the highest fee of all for single men. This tends to balance out the numbers a little better, and it helps avoid too many sweaty guys ruining your scenes by getting underfoot and trying to cop a feel.

But how should we solve this?

If you ask me, the best possible way would be to attack the underlying problem, which is the Patriarchy.

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See, the patriarchy ruins sex clubs in two ways:

1. It tells men that gay sex is “sissy stuff” and that it is “not manly” so that men mostly don’t hook up with men. This is too bad. If single men at sex clubs were hooking up with each other, they wouldn’t be harassing all the women there and making a scene. Everyone is a little bi-curious, and it’s not like having gay sex makes you gay. It’s just a fun thing to try; like wormwood or LSD.

2. Women tend to have to be dragged to sex clubs by their significant others. However, I know lots of women who would really like to go to a sex club. Even some of my vanilla friends from college would be really, really down to play if they thought it was “okay.” The problem is that Patriarchy tells them that it is not okay. It slut-shames them and tells them that their worth is tied to their sexual fidelity and purity. In other words: Most women have a gangbang fantasy, but very few feel that they can live it out because men shame them for even thinking it.

And by the way: Why is that?!? Men, you watch gangbang porn and think it’s hot. Why would you shame a woman for doing it when you love to watch women do it?

This is why those of us that enjoy sex clubs should all be feminists.

The idea behind feminism is to dismantle the patriarchy and create true equality. That means letting men feel safe experimenting with same-sex hookups, and it means ending slut-shaming so that women can be the crazy-sexual creatures that we are on the inside.

So that’s my plan. I’ll need your help, but I think we can do it. Let’s dismantle the patriarchy and fight for true equality. We can save sex clubs by dismantling the patriarchy and bring the dreams of feminists into reality.

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Cuddles

This last year I haven’t kept up on the blog very well. I tried, but I had a lot going on. I spent the month of January traveling around Australia. Then I went home and wrote and published a novel that I had been meaning to create. Then I packed up my house and did the mountains of paperwork required for a military PCS. And finally, I spent the holidays traveling around the US seeing friends and family.

It’s been hard to get Internet access on my laptop (which I haven’t even always had with me) and it’s been hard to have a space to sit down and write.

However, I hope to move into temporary housing soon in my new home (which is Oahu, Hawaii.) I should have more time to write once that happens.

Anyway, what I really want to talk about today is cuddles. My husband hasn’t been with me for any of my travels, and I’ve mostly been without a romantic partner. That doesn’t mean that I have been alone. In fact, for much of the time I was with friends.

However, I felt awkward asking them for the cuddles.

That’s a bad thing because humans really need physical contact to be happy. It’s an important part of our well-being because it creates oxytocin (a chemical that is associated with love and joy.)

So, why couldn’t I just ask?

My friends in Australia were straight females, and I knew that if I asked for cuddles, they would think I was hitting on them. I didn’t want to do that because they would be upset about it.

My friend in Colorado -whom I stayed with- actually probably needed cuddles too, but it was her house and so I felt like it needed to be her that reached out… and she didn’t.

My friends in Arizona… well, one of them is like a brother to me and I should have been able to ask him for cuddles, but I was afraid he would think I actually meant sex. I’m never sure how to draw that line nicely, without giving offense. (I mean- I think of him as a brother, but I don’t think that’s how he thinks of me.)

Another friend I stayed with… I’ve actually always wanted to have sex with him, but we’ve been friends for twenty years and never had sex, and I was worried it might damage our friendship. I didn’t ask him for cuddles because I thought I might cross a line if we cuddled… and his St. Andrews Cross was, like, right there. So, temptation and all that.

There was this one guy; and he was smoking hot. I mean; he’s crazy-beautiful. We met online because he’s a friend of a friend, and I went to talk to him about doing the audiobook for my new novel. Seeing him in person and seeing his beautiful hair cascading over his perfect shoulders… I wanted him so bad. But the conventional wisdom is that you shouldn’t fuck up business with sex. And besides, he had a roommate who seemed to be really keen to hang pretty close to us.

It got me thinking: We put up a lot of obstacles to physical affection.

I mean, we’re just full of excuses for why physical affection isn’t appropriate! In Oregon I cuddled up to a good friend of mine who I know from my time in South Korea. It was a non-sexual cuddle as it always is. I just wanted to feel close to him and so I rested my head on his shoulder and put my arms around him. This is something we’ve done for ages, but his girlfriend was not pleased. In fact, she took a picture of us and showed my husband the picture and her anger about it (he laughed at her, but that’s not the point.)

What I’m trying to say is that humans need cuddles to be happy, and we should all stop acting like we don’t. It should be acceptable to just go up and cuddle a friend, even if they have a significant other or if they are straight and you are gay. Non-sexual (and also sexual) cuddling should be way less stigmatized.

Another reason it’s messed up that asking for cuddles is so awkward is because you can pay for cuddles. There is apparently nothing that we won’t commodity in a Capitalist society, and cuddling has become a job that you can do for money. If that doesn’t drive home the true soulless nature of our society, I don’t know what does.

I’m just so grossed out with how cold and distance the world seems. How can we be happy when we’re so isolated from ourselves and from each other? It shouldn’t be this way.

I admit, I am older. But, I’m not going to blame the Internet like everyone else does. Yes, we can interact online now in addition to interacting in person. But if you ask me, all that has done is improve dating (by narrowing it down to mostly people you want prior to meeting.) I don’t think the Internet is the issue here, because the icy nature of life was more apparent to me in person than it ever has been through a computer.

Perhaps it’s just because so many countries are experiencing depression-era conditions. I did notice a huge increase in the tent cities people are living in, and I talked to homeless folks who work 40 hours a week and still can’t afford a place to live. So, it’s possible that the low wages and high cost of living have left people too stressed out to form meaningful emotional bonds.

It could be the divisive nature of things lately. I know that I lost a life-long friend because I refused to support Trump. He went all racist and crazy, and I couldn’t handle it. Another person I care deeply for has fallen into the MRA movement, and we all know what scum they are. I used to love him, and it hurts me deeply to see him claiming outlandish things (like saying feminists “hate men,” and refusing to listen to the truth that we just want equality for all.) There is A LOT of racist and sexist rhetoric out there, and it could be pushing people apart.

And as for the paid cuddles, I can’t tell if that is part of the problem (commodification of a thing makes it seem inappropriate for free) or if it’s just a symptom (since no one wants to cuddle or feels comfortable cuddling, people will pay for it.)

I also know that I personally avoided some sex I wanted to have out of fear of STIs. There are some incurable strains going around, and I just don’t want to bring creepy-crawlies home to the husband.

I don’t know what-all is causing this lack of cuddles and sex and affection.

All I know is, it fucking sucks. This was the least cuddly year I have ever had, and I hated it. And, I don’t know… I just think I can’t be the only person who is lonely.

So, maybe talk to your friends about it? Bring it up? Maybe we can all just admit that leaning against another human on the couch while watching TV is a nice thing to be able to do, and we should all do it more?

I think we’d all feel better.