Free Speech in the Digital World

This seems like a really odd place to be writing about free speech. It’s a kink blog. What could kink possibly have to do with free speech, right?

Well, there have been some controversies involving Fetlife.com and free speech over the years. This is something that I have given a lot of thought to. I used to be a journalist, and so the first amendment has always held a special place in my heart, right next to dark chocolate and my favorite flogger.

The first controversy about free speech on fetlife came up after a girl was raped, and she wanted to out her rapist on her own page.

I get all the conflicting issues there. I realize that if the guy was not guilty then it could be considered defamation. I get that social media isn’t like sitting around a table getting coffee, because a third party (the platform) could be held responsible. I took enough law classes in college to see all the conflicts.

However, I was shocked at how unapologetic fetlife was about banning her without even finding out if charges had been filed or if her rapist had been convicted. They (the men running the site) were very quick to punish the victim without even a second thought.

The second free speech controversy that came up was when fetlife started deleting groups. For example, they decided that adult baby play was simply too risky for the site. Of course they cited reasons like legal risk and financial risk, but there is certainly a question as to how anything consenting adults agree to could be illegal.

Again, I know that people have said that it doesn’t matter because the groups can just use codes and only trade pictures/ideas/etc in person. I know people will say that we should all be terrified of the government and therefore censor ourselves before anyone tells us to. And, I know what everyone chants “better safe than sorry” because I remember what the community was like before we had the Internet and it sucked. I don’t want to go back to fliers in some scummy shop and walks down random alleys looking for secret clubs.

So I guess this brings me to the central question: How much freedom of speech do you ever really have right now as kinky people?

To be honest, it seems like we don’t have much.

And, if we want to protect ourselves in an environment where our browser history can now be sold and the President tried to find the address of people who mock him on Twitter, do we even want to speak freely?

My professor in Media Law was extremely insistent that no one should ever write anything down. As soon as you write it down, there is proof that you wrote it. It could be misconstrued and come back to haunt you, and so you shouldn’t do it.

The government is always watching, he said. And, you never know when they are going to decide that whatever you are into is no longer acceptable.

On the other hand, when I was in college, everyone I knew had a LiveJournal account where they poured out their hearts to no one every night when they went home. Friends posted pictures of their children doing embarrassing things with no thought to how those children would feel with those pictures online forever. And, sites like Myspace and Facebook were luring everyone into putting their entire lives online. Some people argue that when everyone’s entire life is online, it takes a whole lot to stand out.

An old woman once told me that society swings from conservative to liberal, and back again. The 1950’s were conservative and rigid, so the 1960’s were wild, she said.

So, I guess I have to wonder if data and freedom of speech online will be the same. Perhaps we were in our 1960’s just now with data, having virtual orgies in a time when the Internet was still the wild west and the government couldn’t track everything you did to an IP address and then arrest you.

Perhaps things are swinging back around to conservative now, and it really is a good time to be careful until we all get better at encrypting our computers.

The obvious solution is to push harder for mainstream acceptance of kink. We all deserve the right to talk about this stuff openly as part of our lives, just like someone would talk about any other aspect of their personality. We shouldn’t have to worry that it will be criminalized, or that someone will put people with a certain fetish on a watchlist.

I would encourage you to write to your Congressional Representatives advocating for protection of Internet browsing, freedom on Internet forums, and laws protecting our community. You don’t have to sign the letter or use your own return address. I understand the desire to be careful. But, put the request out into the universe even if it is anonymous. And if you are in a position to do so, maybe use your real name and address.

When censorship pushes, we should do our best to push back.

 

Honest Appreciation

FB_IMG_1445578327891

A fan wrote to me a little while ago, saying that he had read my post “Tell Them They’re Sexy” and thought it was good advice. He wanted a more exciting sex life, and so here are his words on what he did:

“I told her that she was pretty every day. Really. Every single day I told her ‘you look nice’ when I came home. And she didn’t warm up at all. In fact, she seems stiffer than ever.” 

Now, I thought I made myself perfectly clear in the post Tell Them They’re Sexy that mechanical praise would not get the job done. However, it seems that some people read my words of “find something you can really like about them and fall in love with it,” and you just didn’t take my meaning.

So for the record, I am not saying that you should repeat tired cliches like “You have the most beautiful eyes” or “I love your dimples.” These are the stuff of pulp romances and they are not said with feeling or meaning because they are too cliche for anyone to ever mean them again.

When I said you have to fall in love with things about your significant other and then vocalize that love, I meant it. You are not trying to win the award for best actor by selling a lie. You have to actually love things about the person who you want to inspire confidence in.

Really.

You have to actually love them.

Is that such a surprise?

fb_img_1465503065617

Let me explain this in a whole different way than I did last time so that maybe everyone will get it.

When I was around 12 years old I read a book that helped me to think in terms of the other person’s wants. The book is called “How to Win Friends and Influence People.” It was written in the 1930’s by Dale Carnegie, and revised for the modern reader in 1981.

I know for most girls it’s easy to think about life in terms of the wants of another person, since women so often change everything about themselves to fit into the world of a man they care for. This seems to be a basic instinct among women, and I am not sure if its evolutionary or societal, but I have watched it happen to many female friends.

For me, fitting into someone else’s universe was impossible when I was young. My world was huge and it took up all the space in any room or relationship. So I read this book, and it helped me to learn to think in terms of another person’s wants and needs.

This helped me make other people happy, which in turn made me happy.

 

FB_IMG_1466706499717

Note: Pardon my bad paraphrase, but I am afraid an exact quote would have taken five pages, as Dale Carnegie had a way of explaining things that took a very long time.

There is only one way to get a person to do what you want. It is to make them want to do it.

Sure, you can make them want to do it at the end of a gun, but they will stop the moment your back is turned. So the best way to get another person to do what you want is to sincerely make them want to do whatever it is that you need. 

The way to get others to want to do what you want is to express sincere appreciation for them and help them feel important. 

Let me use a direct quote for effect here: “No! No! No! I am not suggesting flattery! Far from it. I’m talking about a new way of life. Let me repeat that. I am talking about a new way of life.”

In other words, the book is saying that you have to change yourself.

Instead of spending all your time thinking about yourself and your own wants, you have to stop and remember that every person you meet, from your spouse to the clerk at Circle K, has a life full of wants and desires and hopes. And you have to take the time to consider those people- really consider them.

Once you consider a person, you might be able to begin to see things from their point of view. You might learn to appreciate their life, and in doing so, to appreciate them.

There is no shortcut to giving people sincere appreciation, and if you fail to do this, you won’t get anyone to care about doing what you want.

FB_IMG_1486092431067

This is what I was saying before in my original post. I may not have used the same words or examples, but in essence, this is what I was saying.

You can’t just tell a person that they look nice. That won’t convince anyone of anything.

Rather, you learn to love what there is to love.

For example: My husband is really dinky for a guy. He looks like you could fold him up and put him in a briefcase. His shoulders are so narrow that the military armor he has to wear needs to come in child sizes in order to fit him properly (and tragically, yes, they do make child-sized armor.)

Anyway the point is, this is counter to what most women want and what society glorifies.

And I will admit that in the past, even I have appreciated plenty of men for their broad shoulders and strong stance.

However, there are things to appreciate in a slight form and those are things that I have learned because of my husband.

He didn’t happen to come in a tall or broad package. This is the package that the person I love came in. And as such, it is the package that I learned to love.

Now, I appreciate the way that he looks so adorable curled up in ball. I appreciate how I can hug him and just wrap all of me around him. I appreciate that his slight stance has given him the most adorable little butt.

And here’s the important part: I tell him these things.

I learned to appreciate him for who he is and the body that he lives in, and I tell him how I feel all the time.

FB_IMG_1488237189065

If you want someone to really feel comfortable around you and to open up and be fun, this is what you have to do. It is the only way.

Like I said, there is no shortcut to making someone feel appreciated. You actually have to learn to appreciate them.

How long does this take?

Well, my favorite boys and girls have all appreciated me for what I was right from the start.

Who doesn’t love a man who will undress you slowly while telling you why they love each new part of you that they are seeing? I have little love handles, and I love when someone can see them and kiss them and love them right away; rather than avoiding looking at them or touching them (which makes me feel like they are ashamed of the parts of me that they don’t like.)

I have been impressed right off the bat by someone who will undress me with praise and appreciation for every part of me, and then make sure I get off twice before they suggest penetrative sex. Those are the keepers.

However, even if this doesn’t come naturally to you, it’s not as though you can’t learn. Really! Read this until it becomes clear, and start learning to appreciate your partner (or if you don’t have a partner, then start making plans for when you do.) There is no reason why old dogs cannot learn new tricks! In fact, people are learning new things every day and becoming better for it. You can too!

Whatever you do, don’t get discouraged if you don’t see results right away. Sometimes a person you meet might have been torn down a lot by people or events in the past, and they might then have a pretty big wall around them. You will have to break down that wall over time with love and affection, and that might be a bit of a challenge. Just know that if you really appreciate them for what they are, you will win them over before too long.

And then? Well… that’s when the fun begins.

FB_IMG_1476524986890

Grooming

too-much-makeup-jpg-653x0_q80_crop-smart

 

Woman are always expected to look perfect. I sometimes take out the trash without makeup on, and I am no longer surprised by the scornful looks. I got used to them in South Korea, where women never leave the house without full makeup and perfect clothes.

This expected perfection extends to every single part of us. I often see comparisons of a woman’s vagina to “a nasty ham sandwich.” They complain about the look, the smell, and anything else that isn’t perfect.

sos

There are lots of adds which try to force women into feeling insecure, and if it was just adds, I would have no complaint. But then you go to a site like reddit.com, and you see guys going on and on about how perfect they expect women to look, and how their pussies should smell like sunshine and roses or else they are disgusting.

This is often paired with complaints about how women take a long time to get ready, and I hope you can all see the irony there.

After all, when women are expected to smell like roses and look perfect and shave every part of their bodies, one could expect that such things might take time.

But, what about men?

4565a26965825331b86a752c25b27781

 

Well, most men don’t shave their legs, or any part of their bodies besides maybe their faces (sometimes.)

In addition, they often want to stick their fingers inside a woman because they think this is brilliant foreplay, but they don’t often groom their nails well.

ed31ca32b6a10916688d264ff7f1fab9.jpg

But woman are not allowed to complain about it.

Men are not subject to criticism about their grooming habits, and they always want their hairy, sweaty balls in someone’s mouth in spite of a lack of shaving or grooming.

So here’s the thing:

I would like to ask that all of us in the kink community please try to be more mature than the average vanilla folks. Let’s be fair to women and stop trying to force them to be perfect. And men, let’s ignore the accusations that it is “feminine” to be clean, and start cutting those fingernails and shaving.

Also, no matter what culture tries to force on you, every fat old man doesn’t deserve an attractive skinny girl. Forget family guy and The Simpsons. In real life, young pretty girls definitely deserve pretty young boys. And fat old men deserve fat old women.

Let’s try to have a little more gender quality.

fat-guy-hot-girl

Lelo

61vkt5anxl-_sl1500_

I want to thank the company Lelo for making sex toys for women.

I saw an add recently for the ORA 2, and I was absolutely thrilled that they actually made a sex toy which focuses on the tip of the clitoris (which is the part you want to stimulate to get a woman off.)

Most sex toys “for women” are dildos. And since women don’t really cum from penetration, this is pointless. It’s just another misconception about what men think women want, instead of what women actually want.

So Lelo is a breath of fresh air.

This one is meant to mimic a tongue, which I think is perfect.

Men get sex robots with “realistic hair” and the whole nine yards, but for women, it’s amazing to even get a sex toy that focuses on things that actually get us off.

I hope to get to try one out (of course they don’t ship things with batteries to Guam, but I am taking a trip to the US over the summer, so we’ll see…)

I’ll review it and let you ladies know if it actually feels like a tongue.

the-ora-2-by-lelo-ppcorn

How To Ask

bb56542746807a04f8010ab29834e239

I recently exchanged some emails with a man who is in a D/S relationship with a woman that he finds somewhat intimidating. The relationship was experiencing the normal ebb and flow of sex, and it was in an ebb when I was talking to him. He wondered what he would have to do to initiate scenes with his mistress.

Now, everyone is different and I can’t speak to his partner. But I will give you some general suggestions if you are a sub in need of a good spanking…

images-3

First, I want to explain that there is a lot involved in setting up a scene. Remember that if it is always the same partner doing all the work, they will get tired of it. They will want help. It’s usually the Domme doing all the work setting up scenes, and this can be why a kinky sex life can ebb sometimes.

Knowing this, one way for a sub to get more sex is to do some of the work. Clean the room you will use of all things except the toys, and maybe some candles. Make a playlist and have the music already set up. Pick your Domme’s favorite songs. And once it’s set up, tell them.

Note: Be mindful. Please don’t set up a scene on a day when you know that your Domme is not feeling well. This will only embarrass everyone. Message them and make sure they are feeling good before they walk into a situation.

images-5

 

Second, remember that attitude matters. If you are always acting like an equal and “just hanging out,” then you are in the wrong headspace for scenes. Headspace matters, and this is why sometimes it seems like it’s easier to be kinky with people you don’t know, because if you don’t spend any time with the person as an equal, then you never have to switch roles. Being in a long-term kink relationship involves being good at switching gears, and going from the headspace of equals to the headspace of Domme and sub.

It’s true that the Domme is often the one to change the tone of an interaction, but the sub can also do this without being impertinent, (if it is done respectfully and when you and your Domme are in a playful mood.)

There is no reason that you can’t take off all your clothes and wear something cute (the sub I talked to had a tail butt plug, which sounds adorable!) My own sub wears kitty ears, which are really very cute.

Then all you have to do is act submissive, and ask in the most adorable way that you can if your mistress would like to play.

0be4297ebc6c107b8700b121c84dc580

Third, remember that a Domme is a person too. Just as you like to hear that you look cute in your collar and that you have a nice ass, your Domme wants to hear that she is pretty. Not in that stiff way that a long-married couple says “You look nice,” but in the breathless way that a lover says “Oh god, you look so hot right now.” Tone matters here, and so do the words you use.

It’s not breaking any rules or being impertinent to say nice things to/about your Domme. Sometimes it can be hard to work up the courage, but I promise you that no matter how intimidating someone might seem to you, they still want you to find them irresistible and sexy.

If you’re not sure how to make someone feel sexy, remember that the specifics are what matter. “You look nice” is stiff and useless because it is nonspecific. So pick a feature and fall in love with it.

Example:

“I love the way your hair falls around your shoulders. It’s so distracting, and it makes me want to start running my hands along all the places it touches.”

~OR~

“I love the part below your ear where the skin is just right for biting and nibbling. Can I bite you there? It’s just such a sexy spot.”

And so on…

Never underestimate the power of making someone feel sexy. It is a powerful tool. If you can make someone feel desirable, you can get a lot more exciting sex from them. On the other hand, if you don’t make them feel special, the chances are that you are not going o get a command performance.

images-4
Overall, the key is to truly embrace everything. Really see you Domme as beautiful for every little quirk and dimple. Really feel submissive and worshipful. Really lose yourself in your role and in the overall role play of the situation.

Remember: The basic kink of Domme and sub is just as much a form of roll play as anything else. You need to commit. You need to believe. You need to be in the moment. That takes work, and sometimes your significant other might not be in the mood for all the emotional work. That’s why it’s important for you to help in various ways if you feel that you need more scenes.

After my friend and I talked, he took a little bit more responsibility. And guess what? They started playing more scenes! All it took was him doing some of the work of set up and seduction, instead of leaving it all to her like he used to. So if you find yourself in a kinky lull in your relationship, try carrying a little bit more of the responsibility and see what happens.

download-1

Period Sex

download

To start: 50 Shades of Grey is a terrible series of books that portrays BDSM as abuse.

I am pretty upset about literally all the things that have been stirred up by these books/movies, and I have written about this before. No one should read those books, no one should watch the movies, and no one should judge my subculture based on those lies.

Kink is awesome.

But remember: 50 Shades of Grey is not kink.

It’s abuse.

If you want to get some handcuffs and try it, you should. But don’t act like all women should submit to physical and mental abuse, and like all men should be rich and buy you everything you want.

That’s just not the case.

download-1

As much as 50 Shades is just horrible, the series did bring up a few things here and there that are worth talking about.

One of those things is period sex.

If you ask guys who have read the books what the most disgusting part is, most of them will skip right over the objectification of men as wallets with a penis, and skip right over the abuse of women that the series portrays.

Instead, they will say that the period sex is the most disgusting part.

I have two things that I really want to say about that.

1304-flow-01

First: Women have to deal with periods. A lot of the time that really sucks. Periods come with bloating, pain, cramps, diarrhea, and embarrassment forced upon women by society. Science hasn’t really bothered to look into how to lessen the symptoms (since most scientists are men.)

Unless you have periods, you really can’t understand how horrible they are.

Society often shames women for having periods. You see it all over culture; where TV, movies, and magazines say it’s gross. Men on TV or movies often say they won’t have sex with a woman who is bleeding, and act as if the very idea is revolting.

Even the bible makes it out to be some shameful, dirty thing that is “unclean.”

Let me point out that it’s not pleasant to have a period, and it’s just adding insult to injury for people to act like the very act of being female and having a normal body that does normal things is somehow wrong and shameful.

I have had enough.

This is for all the men (and some women) who participate in the culture of associating periods and period sex with shame and disgust: Y’all need to grow up.

If your girlfriend/wife/lover is willing to have sex with you on her period (and she may not be because of the pain and diarrhea and stuff) then you should absolutely do it and not complain. Women put up with guys getting cum all over everything all month long. Many women think that cum is gross, but they don’t shame guys for cumming or tell them that they are foul and horrid for having normal biological functions.

Don’t act like a child about something that is normal, natural, and not a all shameful.

period

Second, I am really tired of the whole “women are too emotional” thing.

Yes, sometimes estrogen surges can make women sad. That’s true.

However, testosterone makes men violent and irrational all month long.

Everyone has a right to have feelings, and to express those feelings. If you really care about the person that you are with, you will be willing to listen to them and help them through difficult emotions and situations.

So let’s try to act a little bit more rational and understand that equality is important. Don’t act like periods make women irrational, because they don’t. And definitely don’t act like periods are gross, because they are not. No one shames men for having biological functions. Let’s remember not to shame women, either.

Little Whore

66564434.jpg

I met a girl recently who is open about her sexuality and fun, which is not something I get to experience often on Guam. We stayed up all night talking and had a great time. In the morning, I was thinking about something she said, and I sort of laughed about it. She said:

“I’m a little whore so I get tested all the time. I’m super-paranoid.”

So first of all, you should all get tested before every new partner because being responsible is cool. I like that my new friend feels that way.

However, what I want to talk about is my amusement over what might make someone a “little whore.”

landscape_nrm_1438076024-gettyimages-130522308

See, she didn’t give a number, and neither did I.

Obviously I call myself a “Magically Delicious Super Slut” because I think that slut-shaming is wrong, and that women should be allowed to be proud of being slutty in the same way that men are.

However, I just think it’s funny that neither of us gave a number. It was like “I am cool with you being a slut, but I don’t want to find out that you think 30 people is a lot when I have slept with 200.”

It just made me giggle that even among sluts, we still fear slut-shaming because of the world that we live in.

So let’s remember: Don’t slut-shame. Women should be allowed to be proud of being slutty little whores, because that is what equality is really all about.

images