The Art of Being Normal

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I read this entire book in a day because I couldn’t put it down. Lisa Williams really captures when gender dysphoria is like, and why the transition process is so hard.

As a trans person who never plans to transition, it made me feel a little bit like a coward. You can read about my inner struggles on that topic here.

Yes, the book is aimed at younger kids. I wish I could have read it in my teens instead of in my thirties. That said, Lisa’s characters come alive and make you feel like you know them. It’s a fun read, and I recommend it for anyone (trans or not.)

My Reasons for Not Dating

I live in a female body, and I date mostly men. This used to be pretty easy, because men used to be mostly nice. I didn’t have a lot of trouble finding someone to spend time with.

However, things have become miserable in the dating world, and I want other people who live in female bodies to know that they are not alone in feeling frustrated. Therefore, I have decided to write out my reasons for not really being as into dating as I used to be.

First, Reddit ruined a lot of things because men got together and invented stuff like “stealthing” and “ghosting” on there.

Stealthing: The rape of a woman by getting her to consent to sex with a condom, and then removing the condom without her permission. The stated intention here is to “get the bitch pregnant” because men think it is funny. They get to trap women into bearing their offspring, which they wrote about as “totally hilarious” on the threads where this concept was created.

Ghosting: After (or before if you prefer) you get that woman pregnant without her consent, you will “ghost” her. This means that you will completely vanish. You’ll block her on social media, move if she knew where you lived, and just make sure that she is surprised by your total abandonment. Points if you find a way to get her reaction and upload it, because “it’s fun to laugh at those dumb cunts for having feelings.” The threads of this toxic stuff were unbearable to read.

(Note: I know women adopted the practice of “ghosting” after men invented it. To be fair, it makes more sense for women since men handle rejection poorly and are known to kill women who try to leave them.)

Before you ask, yes, I am aware that 4Chan is where all this anti-woman stuff started. I get that. But you have to understand, 4Chan was only ever a few weirdos. It didn’t have the audience of a movie theater, let alone the millions of people across the globe who spent time on Reddit in its heyday. Every major celebrity did an AMA on Reddit a decade ago, and it was referenced constantly in the media. 4Chan (or 8Chan now) wishes they could get that kind of attention!

You had this huge platform that was used by nearly everyone, and it was filled to the brim with toxic anti-woman rhetoric. I mean, it still is. It just doesn’t matter now because everyone forgot about Reddit and it became deeply irrelevant. However, when it was popular, it spawned a hate movement against women that has endured.

Next, idiots like Jordan Peterson came along to explain why women being inferior is “just science.” This spawned the incel movement.

Basically, a bunch of guys (many of which even look kind of normal on the outside) turned out to have really horrendous personalities. Like, offensively bad. And instead of telling them to grow up and stop being awful, the incel movement told them that it was the women’s fault that they couldn’t have sex. See women (how dare they) prefer men who treat them with respect. The incel movement contends that they do not deserve respect because women are objects, and that women have no right to prefer more attractive men over bald assholes who are unemployed and have no interesting hobbies. The very idea of women being allowed to have a preference in who they sleep with is attacked by incels, and Jordan Peterson went so far as to suggest that women should simply be assigned to the men who “deserve them” (see his vomit on “enforced monogamy.”)

Then, we got the most toxic evolution yet: Men’s Rights Activists (hereafter refereed to as MRAs.)

The name is a misnomer. They absolutely do not help set up shelters for abused men. They absolutely do not reach out to men who have been raped and find them support groups. They don’t help fathers in custody battles or fight against mandatory registration in the selective service. MRAs do nothing at all for men.

The real reason they exist is to try to gaslight women. Their entire goal is to build nonsensical arguments in which they attempt to paint women as the villains of every story. The narrative is that women only care about men’s earning power and are always trying to steal men’s money and their sperm.

(So, basically they’re trying to paint all women as the female characters in Jane Austin’s satirical work “Pride and Prejudice.” Women did used to have to find a husband when it was illegal for them to have jobs, and MRAs like to pretend that women are still motivated by the same things as they were in 1750.)

It is the most toxic garbage that culture has ever produced, and if we had any sense, we’d be locking these people up before they go on shootings sprees.

Obviously we need to take a break and talk reality because we can’t let too many paragraphs of shit pile up in a row:

1. Feminism has worked hard to fight for equal pay. We don’t have it yet, but we’re getting closer. We want to work, and we want to have access to the same pay and opportunities that men do.

2. Feminism has worked hard for equal opportunities. Once upon a time we could only be teachers or nurses, if we could have a job at all. Now, we can do almost any job. Someday we hope all jobs will be open to us!

3. Women are having less children than ever before, and the rate of women under 25 who are finding ways to get sterilized is skyrockting. Many women have rejected both marriage and children as traps that keep them from being able to work and live independently.

4. Women are not trying to take things from men. They are trying to get rights for themselves so that they can live independently with the same quality of life as men. Remember: Rights are not a pie. If we get some, it doesn’t mean men lose some.

The point is: Over time, a very toxic culture has evolved in which women are treated extremely badly and given no rights at all.

Rapists serve little to no jail time, but women who lie about being raped tend to spend decades in prison. Ergo, a man’s reputation in the community is considered to have much more value than a women’s right to not have her body violated.

Men’s healthcare isn’t regulated at all, and insurance covers things like Viagra and prostate exams as if it was nothing. Meanwhile men are trying to stop women from having access to any reproductive healthcare at all, from birth control to Plan B to a pap smear every 2 years (as is recommended to screen for cancer.) Ergo, a man’s right to healthcare is more important than a woman’s, even though women bear more responsibilities health-wise (since we literally make all the humans.)

Women are expected to work full-time, but they are also expected to do the bulk of the housework and childcare. If a child is ill, society expects the women to take the day off work, not the man. Ergo, a man’s career and free time are placed above a woman’s.

The entire world is designed for men, from cabinet height to safety features in vehicles. It’s literally dangerous to just exist in the world as a women, because safety standards for drugs, planes, and everything else are all developed with men in mind. Ergo, men’s safety and health is placed above women’s in all aspects of societal design.

Even when men are at a disadvantage, for example because of suicide or homelessness, it is because of other men.

The patriarchy is what teaches men that they cannot talk about their feelings or ask for help. Men throw the suicide rates in women’s faces and say “We’re the real victims because we kill ourselves!” Yet feminists have been begging men for ages to let go of toxic masculinity and admit to being human for the sake of their own mental health. Ergo, even when men create a problem and perpetuate a problem, they still blame it on women and use it as a way to attack women (though women are obviously not to blame for them killing themselves.)

Even as women face discrimination in all these ways and many more, MRAs will gaslight and lie and do everything they can to pretend that women have the advantage. Why? Because all they really care about is that women have the right to say “no.”

This makes them furious.

The truth is, MRAs are deeply inferior to real, worthwhile men. So, when a woman has a right to say no, they don’t get picked. This is the root of their anger and why they suck so much. Even the ones who have a girlfriend or wife are furious because they think she is inferior to what they deserve. I knew a (fairly ugly) white guy who married a (well-suited) white girl. After a few years, he became an MRA because deep down, he believed that Asian women were better than white women, and he believed that he deserved an Asian woman.

This is not a small movement. One of my ex-boyfriend’s (awkward and bad at dating) has become a Men’s Rights Activist. He’s 100% brainwashed by the rhetoric and believes the ridiculous lie that “women have it better.” As we sob over America becoming Gilead and losing all our rights, this asshole is convinced that we have it better than him!

Why? Because women can say no.

This is where we reach the true heart of the matter.

See, women are more likely to be fine with a bottle of wine, a cat, and a vibrator. From a young age, they’ve been forced to hide their emotions, even as chunks of discarded uterine lining leak out of them while they work or attend school or live their lives. Women are tough as fuck. And if women want to have kids, they can just go to a sperm bank. Plus women are more open about being sexually fluid and more likely to cuddle with or have sex with their friends. At the very least, they’ll talk to their friends about personal stuff. Women don’t actually need men, because they have themselves and each other.

On the other hand, the patriarch tells men that they can’t have friends. If they talk about anything other than sports and grilling, then they’re gay (which the patriarchy says is bad!) A man on his own has no outlet for his emotions, and no one to care about him. Men force this on themselves, but then they blame women for it. They feel that because the patriarchy tells them that they can’t have friends, that means that they are owed a wife to care about them.

This is the worst bit: MRAs are so convinced that every one of them is owed a woman who will make them the center of their universe and do everything for them. (Read: A slave.)

With all this toxic bullshit going on, I’m just tired.

I get at least one obnoxious message per week in my fetlife inbox. Some lowlife is always saying “You should suck my cock.” Um… no. I don’t want your dick pics and I’m not interested in your bullshit. I’m a person, and I deserve to be treated as such. Period.

So when people ask me why I’m not dating, this is a big part of it. Sure, there’s the health problems. And there’s the fact that I’m already maintaining several relationships. I’m busy, and dating takes time. But it’s more than that. It’s that when I do date, it’s a bunch of seriously gross dudes out there acting like assholes. And then I went on a date with a woman, and she was like “Being trans is a mental illness and abortion should be illegal,” and my metaphorical dick crawled up inside me and was like “Nnnnooooooo!!!”

What I need is to meet some people who actually think women deserve rights (which we do) and who know that being transgender is an aspect of biology (which it is.) I need to find a few decent human beings to be friends with who can restore my faith in humanity. If I can do that, then maybe I’ll think about giving dating another try.

Right now though, if my husband died, I would probably just get an iguana to cuddle (I’m allergic to fur) and call it good. I’d get arthritis in my hands from masturbating, but se la vie. It’s better than dealing with incels and MRAs.

One final note: The toxic men who are discussed in this article are the same toxic men who pretend that feminism is evil. They say that feminist “hate men.”

My husband is a feminist. He genuinely believes that women deserve equal rights, and he genuinely feels that they should be treated with dignity and respect. I have several male friends who also identify as feminists, because they know that it’s needed.

Women got the right to vote in 1920, less than 100 years ago. It was feminists who fought for this.

Women got the right to have bank accounts and lines of credit such as mortgages in 1974. Again, it was feminists who fought for this.

Women eventually got the right to have nearly all jobs, from fire fighter to Navy Seal, and this was through the tireless work of feminists.

Feminism has always been about gaining equality, and it still is. We still need to have paid family leave. We need laws that prevent women from being refused promotions due to having children. We need laws that actually punish men for rape. We need privacy in healthcare just like men have. We need to be allowed to carry weapons and use them to self-defense (which -right now- gets women thrown in prison for life.) We need to be taken seriously when we say that we are being stalked and harassed. We need doctors to take us seriously when we are in pain. Plus, you know, about a million other things that we still need to fight for. (I’m tired just thinking about it.)

However, all the goals of feminism are to get women (including minority women) the rights they deserve. Feminists do not “hate” men, nor do they want men to have less. They just want equality, and they have been fighting for it since society began.

And, we will prevail.

The Jamie Johnson Trilogy

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There are a lot of heterosexual romance novels. They’re full of a lot of vanilla sex. None of them contain polyamory of any kind, and most of them are boring and predictable. So what is a kink person to do?

Well, there are actually a lot of good books out there for the freaks among us, and one such series if The Jamie Johnson Trilogy by author J.D. DeLemont.

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In the series, we see that perfectly normal people can have kinky sex, threesomes, and even polyamorous marriages. It’s a positive portrayal of people like us which, by the final book in the trilogy, covers many kinds of relationship and all sorts of kinks.

I highly recommend checking them out. (All three are on Amazon.com)

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Sexual Assault

*This is not kink-related. It is just something I needed to say, and there is nowhere else for me to say it. 

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I think back to my days working in a dungeon when I was a young girl, and I have to tell you: nearly every single guy that I ever interacted with hit on me to the point that I was uncomfortable. They refused to take “no” for an answer, and usually described their anatomy or showed me their anatomy in an attempt to “woo” me. They were downright disgusting, and I was expected to laugh it off because that is what women are supposed to do when men make them uncomfortable. And I’m ashamed to say that I did laugh it off for years.

There was only one guy in all the time I worked and played in the kink community who didn’t make me feel deeply uncomfortable. His name was Alex, and he was an amazing human being. Alex stands out like a candle in a field at midnight, because he was so unique and singular in his behavior. Alex treated me like a person.

When I was bar tending, it was about 90% of guys who came in that hit on me until I was uncomfortable. Those 10% who just paid for their beers and left without trying to fuck me were fabulous men, and they were a rare breed. I paid my way through my second degree slinging drinks, and a huge part of my job was getting groped by drunk men and having them tell me about how great their penises were. They hugged me just so that they could press their smelly bodies up against me, and they refused to pay me if I said no to their hugs or shrank from their grabbing.

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Now remember: This is not about the times that I was raped (those are separate stories.) We are only talking about times that men hit on me to the point that I was uncomfortable. And you should know that it was all the time. I was thin and attractive. Every man I ever encountered acted like he was entitled to hit on me, and then to slobber all over me and tell me why I should fuck them. Many were really old. Most were fat. I did not invite ANY of it. I did not want ANY of it.

I am writing about this because of the Kevin Spacey thing last year. Apparently, he was at a party 30 years ago, and he hit on a boy who didn’t want to be hit on. It is my understanding that it was at a Hollywood party full of stars, and that everyone was assumed to be over 21 because there was alcohol. From what I have read, Kevin Spacey hit on this boy and made him feel uncomfortable, and the boy finally decided to come forward and say that he was upset because of the way he was hit on.

Within a day of this coming out, House of Cards was pulled. No one doubted the boy’s story, or said that it was his own fault for dressing slutty and getting wasted at a party he shouldn’t have even been at. No one said that this boy was just lying to get money or attention. No one blamed him at all. They all believed him, blamed Kevin Spacey, and got House of Cards cancelled.

It’s been a year since then, and a verdict was quietly reached and ignored by the media. Since Kevin Spacey didn’t hold a press conference, I think we can be pretty sure that he was found guilty. And because he sexually harassed a man, there were professional consequences for him.

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Yet, even when a man is found guilty of raping a woman, they tend to serve very little jail time and face very few consequences. Look at Brock Turner, who was convicted of a brutal rape. It was so bad that the boys who witnessed it cried when describing it on the stand.

I think Brock Turner did three months in prison? I can’t recall. But, he hardly got the kind of time he deserved. It was a truly heinous act that he committed.

And that was a brutal rape. I’m not even talking about that. What we’re talking about in terms of Kevin Spacey is assault. I mean, sexual assault is not good, but I think we can all admit that it’s less bad than rape.

I just want to add my voice to this issue by saying that I have been harassed. Not just once or twice, but thousands of times a year for decades. And, while everyone claims that the #MeToo movement made a difference, I can’t see any evidence of that. I’m still getting harassed, and I still don’t see anyone caring.

What I am saying is: This scandal is the most sexist thing that I have ever seen, and if every guy who sexually harassed me went to jail, they would have to build several new jails to accommodate them all.

This is my story, but it is also every girl’s story because it happens to all of us.

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I was made to feel uncomfortable by men who hit on me from the moment I got my first job at thirteen. I was working at a frozen custard shop inside a Cousin’s Subs. It was called Uncle Bill’s Frozen Custard, and they came up with the idea for “mix ins” in frozen treats.

Anyway, thirteen-year-old me begged my boss, Bill Loker, to stop the other employees from hitting on me. I remember once a guy named Javier cornered me while I was cleaning the bathroom and slammed me into the wall. He shoved his tongue down my throat as I struggled to get away. My boss told me to deal with it on my own because that was just how it was (1995.)

The customers were just as bad. I remember one old man asking me to bring his custard to the table because he didn’t want to stand back up to get it when I was done mixing in his Oreos. I obeyed, and he grabbed my ass when I walked up to the table. I told my boss, but he again told me to suck it up.

A year later I faced the same kind of shit at The Coyote Grill. And after that, I faced the same shit at The Pink Pepper Thai Cuisine. Everywhere I worked in all those years that I was a minor, I was sexually harassed and assaulted by fellow employees and customers. And every time I complained, people told me that this was just how it was.

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If I had ever tried to get any of those men in trouble, the cops would have laughed me out of the police station. I know because I had a co-worker who tried to report an incident. The cops simply called her a whore and blamed her for wearing short skirts, and they didn’t even let her press charges.

First, they tried to persuade her that she had misunderstood what happened. When she insisted that she had not misunderstood, they then told her she was lying. And when she persisted, they called her a whore and said it was her fault and she’d been “asking for it.”

I am not saying that anyone should have to be sexually assaulted. I don’t think anyone should have to deal with that.

However, I am saying that women are called liars and whores for being raped, and Kevin Spacey got his show cancelled simply because he hit on someone who didn’t like it and it made the victim feel uncomfortable.

 

 

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Full Disclosure: I have never seen House of Cards, and I am not really a fan of Kevin Spacey. I guess he was okay in The Usual Suspects, but other than that, I have never really liked him in anything. So this really isn’t about him. It’s about the reaction of the masses to a boy being abused, and how different it is from the reaction of the masses to a girl being abused.

The MRA crowd is always saying that we have equality, but you have to look at the facts. Women get laughed out of police stations when trying to file rape charges, but men who are sexually assaulted are taken seriously often, and are even allowed to press charges.

I know that since last year the Incels and the MRAs have really ramped up their rhetoric. They’re been trying to convince everyone that men are the real victims and that nothing bad ever happens to women.

I just wanted you to know that sexual assault against women is so common that we sometimes feel like it’s pointless to even talk about it. We’re discouraged, and we’re tired.

And another thing: In the last year, men have used the #MeToo Movement as an excuse to refuse to hire women, citing that “I don’t know where the line is anymore.” Remember: When a gay man hits on them, they know exactly what sexual harassment is and where the line is. A guy who is being made uncomfortable by unwanted sexual advances knows exactly what is unacceptable and what is not okay.

The ploy that women are “too sensitive” and men “don’t know where the line is” is intended to shout down the women who come forward. It perpetuates the idea that men are too helpless and socially inept to know when they are being predatory, and it tells women that if they ever dare to complain, there will be consequences.

It’s not okay. None of this is okay. So be a good human, and don’t sexually assault women. No matter what a “pick-up artist” will tell you, we don’t like it.

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So You’re Monogamous

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In the kink community, there is this pressure to be polyamorous. I think this is because it’s really hard to find someone who can be everything you want when you have a lot of kinks.

For example, I am a switch. I know I mostly write from the perspective of a Domme, but I have switched in the past. I just can’t do it with the same person. If I dominate someone, I’m not going to then turn around and submit to them. It’s just not comfortable in my brain.

Don’t bother telling me that this speaks to some deep-seeded issue. We all have issues, and not all of them can (or even need to be) worked out. If your life works the way it is and you are happy, then don’t change a thing.

Now, in most of my relationships, I’m the Domme. But every now and then, I’ll find someone who clicks with me just right, and I’ll be willing to be a submissive. That submissive relationship won’t satisfy me completely because I’m still 99% Domme, so it can’t be my only relationship.

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Polyamory exists in many varieties, and for many reasons.

In the case of my husband, he’s my Pet. I can’t see him as Dominant because he curls up in my lap and I stoke his hair and he’s my perfect little plaything. I don’t want to taint or compromise it in any way; it’s exactly what I want for us and it makes me so happy.

If you ask me, I think this speaks to why kinky people are so likely to create multiple meaningful attachments. After all, sometimes I do want to be submissive (or even just a different kind of dominant,) and I need an entire other person for that.

There’s also stuff that he’s just not into (like role play) that I really love. So, I need a whole other person for that as well.

Kink is varied and there’s a lot going on, and you probably won’t find one person that can be your everything all the time.

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The problem is this: Some people are actually just monogamous. Being poly or monogamous is another orientation. You’re born that way, though maybe it takes you a long time to figure out. In the end, it’s who you are.

Let’s talk about an example:

I dated a guy many years ago who was fun and kinky and interesting. He looked a little weird (big forehead, odd lips) but he was funny, had an infectious energy, and was generally enjoyable to be around.

However, he was monogamous.

Now, he didn’t accept that about himself. He claimed to be poly and had no issue with me dating. And, since I didn’t know he was monogamous, I had no issue with him looking for another person to date as well. (Note: he was completely single when I met him- which is fairly inconceivable to a poly person. I don’t think I’ve been completely single since middle school.)

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The moment he found another girl he liked, he vanished. Oh, he still sent a message here and there and tried, but he simply wasn’t able to split his attention. He was completely incapable of thinking about more than one person.

It was jarring for me, since I had put a fair amount of emotional investment into the relationship. It sucked to basically be ghosted (though he wasn’t consciously aware he was doing that.)

I did try tell him that his behavior wasn’t okay, and that I still deserved attention even if he began dating someone else. He lashed out in a way that was childish, cruel, and unexpected. He said I was being emotionally manipulative, and made all kinds of completely unfair accusations.

Obviously, I know that it probably did feel that way to him (like I was being unfair.) However, that’s only because he literally lacked the ability to pay attention to more than one sexual partner at once. My asking for attention felt like a manipulation since I said I didn’t mind if he dated someone else. He simply didn’t have the bandwidth to comprehend what he was doing. It was like he expected me to stay on hold while he let the other relationship run its course, and he didn’t understand that polyamory isn’t putting someone on hold so you can go obsess over new people.

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In my opinion, the hardest part of being poly is stepping up. You have to pay the same amount of attention to the person you were already dating, and then make new energy for the new person. I understand that it’s hard for some people to split their attention or to handle more than one thing at once. I’m not criticizing them for this single-mindedness.

However, if you are monogamous, figure it the fuck out.

And remember: there is a difference between sexual monogamy and emotional monogamy. Some people are emotionally monogamous but just have sex with other people. They don’t develop relationships with the extraneous people. They don’t send them Christmas cards or try to keep them in their lives. They only want extra people for sex, but they are unable to expend the emotional effort to care for those people.

If you are emotionally monogamous, then everyone who comes in contact with you needs to know that. There is nothing at all wrong with sex that doesn’t involve emotion. Casual sex is awesome! But, the people who sleep with you need to know that you don’t have the capability to handle more than one emotional attachment at a time.

It all comes down to being conscious of who and what you are. I know monogamy is stigmatized in the kink community. However, if you are a monogamous person, just be open about it. It’s who you are, and you need to demand respect like the rest of us do.

And remember: Polyamory might be the standard in the kink community, but you’re still the one who gets to blend in with the vanillas and have relationships that don’t require a flow chart!

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Finally, let’s circle back to the start and talk about compromise.  Monogamous people are not emotionally capable of maintaining more than one attachment. However, they often can’t get everything that they want from the partner that they have. The compromise they make is all over culture: The poor man who wants some excitement in his life. The poor woman who has a nice guy but dreams of someone handsome (just for a night!) Etc… etc… etc…

The stories about the compromises of monogamy get told. We all know them.

Monogamous people often think that we don’t make any compromises since we can sleep with more than one person. This is absolutely not true!

My husband put up with my crabby boyfriend staying here for a week. That was a huge compromise on his part! He has to accept me writing letters and sending birthday cards to all the people I maintain relationships with. And, he feels sad sometimes when I am paying attention to people who aren’t him.

By the same token, I love to set up play dates for him so that he can experiment with different types of play and have some variety in his life. But, I do feel a little sad sometimes when I think of how there are pieces of him that I don’t get to share. Knowing those pieces exist is my compromise.

You’ll never be in a happy, healthy relationship that doesn’t involve some compromise. So embrace who you are, and make the best decisions based on what you can handle.

But please monogamous folks, know yourself. Don’t date poly people if you can’t be poly.

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In-Person Interaction

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I was chatting with someone, and she said she never goes to munches. Not long after that, she said she wished she could figure out how to meet people. She did not see the irony in this at all.

I know that OkCupid and a few other dating sites have started to add options to let people know that you are into kink. And, I know that Fetlife is technically somewhere that you could “meet people” if you just went around stalking profiles.

However, I’ve always found in-person interaction to be the best way to meet people. For us kinky folks, we can go to any public dungeons in our area, or attend munches and play parties. But, even for vanilla people, all they have to do is get a hobby like hiking of knitting and then go to group events. I actually met a few people that I have dated though D&D (which has a surprisingly high percentage of kinksters involved.)

There’s a few reasons that in-person interactions are best, and I want to talk about them.

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Number One: Pheromones 

This is going to sound weird, but if you’re a female, you probably base a lot of your feelings of attraction on genetic compatibility. On a subconscious level, a women breaths in pheromones from a man and is more attracted to them if they are a better genetic match.

Have you ever had that guy that you totally hated, but you couldn’t stop having sex with him? This is why. And it’s also why the guy that is perfect for you in every way might not make you wet and horny.

Men are not able to detect genetic compatibility in this way, but they certainly feel more attracted to women who are attracted to them. So, sometimes a man will think “I don’t know why but I just can’t get enough of her.” This is usually because you can sense her sexual desire.

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Number Two: Looking Them in the Face

Another reason that meeting people in person is better is that you can see their faces. You shallow people are going to think that I mean you can make sure that they’re hot, but that’s not where I am going with this. I think physical attraction is highly subjective.

The real reason you want to see someone’s face is so that you can ask pointed questions and see if they are lying. Very few people can hide their feelings well, and when you say “I think Trump is the worst President in history,” you’ll see them flinch if they’re some MAGA psychopath. Then you know to walk away.

It’s easier for people to lie (or at least avoid the question) in text. So if you’re wasting time chatting in a messaging program for weeks, you’re probably not even getting an accurate picture of the person on the other side of the phone.

 

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Number Three: Waste Less Time

Another great thing about in-person interaction is that it happens faster. Let’s assume that you have to talk to twenty people before you find one that you like (or thirty for the really picky.) This can take forever if you text for months while working up to a first date.

Even worse, if you spend months texting with someone before you meet them, you may feel obligated when you do meet to “give the relationship a try” even if there’s no chemistry. That means wasting even more time in a bad relationship that’s going nowhere.

Meanwhile, if you talk to someone at a munch and you’re not into it, you can just excuse yourself and go talk to someone else. There’s no time and effort invested, so it’s not a horrible tragedy if it doesn’t work out.

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Number Four: Friends Help You

It also helps to make friends. When you go to an in-person event, it’s possible that you’ll meet people who you’re not attracted to, but whom you like anyway.

You might say: I thought we were talking about dating; what does making friends have to do with that? I think it has a lot to do with it.

When you make friends, those people tend to know other people. They might not be the one for you, but they might know the person who is. Networking is the best way to get anything you really want, after all.

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Number Five: Screening 

Think of meeting people in person as a screening process. You look around the room, and you see a guy wearing a Trilby. Those have become code for hipsters and incels, so you can be pretty safe in avoiding that person.

Maybe you see a guy in a suit and you think: “Arg, I don’t want to be with someone who tries that hard. I want to wear sweatpants.”

Maybe you see a guy in sweatpants and think: “Eww, I take care of myself and I want someone else who does.”

All I’m saying is, people tend to airbrush their dating profile photos and hide their flaws online. Flaws are harder to hide in person. So, you can think of an in-person meetup as a chance to screen the people in your area quickly and realistically.

You probably want to avoid the guy who can’t make eye contact. You likely won’t be into the guy who smells bad. And let’s all admit that guys add a few inches online, but they’re always shorter in person. If you meet at a munch, you’ll know if they’re actually taller than you, and if they’re not, you can judge how insecure they are about it in real time.

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The Point: Our Generation Forgot How to Date

It’s not our fault. The Internet marketed dating sites to us since we were kids. We all thought you were supposed to meet people online. I understand that. But I like to think of meeting people as a two-step process. First you find the online community where your sort of people hang out, and then you go to a meetup.

After all, if you meet a guy at the grocery story, he’ll probably be one of those folks who refuses to flog you because “he doesn’t want to hurt you” or thinks anal sex means something going in your butt instead of his. Vanillas are everywhere and they’re no fun at all.

Therefore, you want to narrow it down to an online community that you like where you know that people will have similar interests to you. Then, you want to actually go to a meetup and assess your options in person.

Is it a pain in the ass? Yes! Does dating suck a fat bag of dicks? Yes!

However, we’re social creatures and we’re just better off when we have cuddles and stuff. So, get out and do something! Find your people! And then find the one person (or people) among your crowd that you can connect with.

It’s still the best way to find love.

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My Trans Identity

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I was born a female. I have XX chromosomes. I am in possession of a set of ovaries and a uterus. In addition to that, I live as a woman. People use she/her pronouns for me, and I wear makeup and women’s clothes.

Some might say that if I was born a woman and I live as a woman, I cannot be transgender. I wish that were true, because it sure would be easier for me!

The truth is: I’ve always been a boy. This is not something that is based on my sex organs or how I look to you today. It’s based on my brain.

This is why being transsexual is complicated.

Biological sex is already complicated. I have XX chromosomes, which made fetus-me develop female sex organs. However, that isn’t what makes someone a woman. There are women who don’t have female sex organs. Transgender women, for example, don’t possess a uterus or ovaries. They are still women. My mother had a complete hysterectomy of all her female organs including her ovaries. She’s still a woman. It’s not the uterus that makes the female. And more than that, intersex people can have both sex organs or neither, so sex was never even binary on a physical level to begin with.

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Meanwhile, gender (which is different than sex) is currently determined based on arbitrary stereotypes. People think that men must be aggressive and violent. They think women must be patient and nurturing. Those are obviously just constructs created to subjugate women. So, the idea of gender is pretty much fake. It’s all made up.

For me personally, the reason that I know that I am a guy is because I am attracted to women, and when I have sex with them, I experience extreme gender dysphoria. Somewhere deep in my soul, I feel like I belong in a male body, and like I should be able to have sex with women in the same way as a man. Not with a strap-on. But, with my own body parts.

Everyone has instincts. Couples used to be told before their wedding night that they shouldn’t worry because “sex is all instinct.” This rings true.

For me, my instincts are to peruse and have sex with women in the way that a biologically male human can. It’s weird to know on an intellectual level that something is impossible, but still feel the instinct pulling on your consciousness. I like to compare it to the Call of the Void. When a person stands on a ledge, they often feel an odd urge to jump which comes from somewhere deep inside of them. Their conscious mind tells them that such an instinct is crazy, and tries to push the feeling away.

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That is what it feels like to me when I have sex with a woman. It feels like something deep inside of me is male, and trying to process the experience with male instincts. A deeply ingrained voice tells me “Put your dick in her!” And I brush it away because I live in a female body and I can’t do that.

I also experience an odd sensation when people assign female stereotypes to me. It’s best described as offense on a cellular level. Somewhere deep inside of me I feel taken aback that someone would ask me for makeup advice or assume that I would know about tights. It’s like my body is offended that anything stereotypically female would be placed upon it, because such a thing wouldn’t fit.

Intellectually, I know that gender is a social construct and that there are no male or female things. Working on cars is for everyone. Cooking is for everyone. Makeup is for everyone. There’s no activity that is truly related to sex organs except for sex.

However, when someone places a female stereotype on me, the offense is really just about them not recognizing that I am not female. This is stupid, since I choose to live as female (for a variety of reasons- but mostly because science can’t give me a real penis so what would be the point of transitioning?) If you present as female, you shouldn’t be offended if people think you are female and use female pronouns to address you. That said, my conscious mind understands many things which my unconscious mind refuses to accept. My subconscious mind knows that my brain is male and it gets offended, even though my conscious mind knows that I live in a female body and have no right to be offended.

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It’s very confusing for me, so I can only imagine how hard it is for others.

The point is: Not all transgender people choose to transition. Some of us just live with dysphoria and feel uncomfortable about it, but don’t think that the alternative is better.

With all of that out of the way, I’d like to thank the people who just see me as I am even though I wear a women-skin. I have a few friends who just gave me an odd look upon meetings me and said: “Wait a second- you’re a guy.” And, they weren’t implying that I am too tall or that I have 5 o’clock shadow (because -again- I have XX chromosomes and it shows.) They just saw past my exterior and into my soul, and they realized that I was actually a boy on the inside. I’m so grateful that some people can do that.

You might ask: “If you are a guy, then why are you always going on and on about feminism?

It’s not a terribly fair question since men can be feminists too, but let’s address it in terms of me personally (everyone has a different reason for being a feminist, and all I can give you is mine.)

The reason is that -to some extent- form dictates behavior. That is to say; we don’t realize that a lot of what our brain is telling us is just based on our physical experience of living in a body. I live in a female body. It has impacted my life very severely in nearly every interaction I have ever had with other humans.

Living in a female body means I had to go through puberty as a female. I had to watch all my friends (I always had male friends growing up) turn on me. I went -in the span of a summer- from a friend to an object (because men objectify women.) I lost my social group and everything that mattered to me, and had to experience old men suddenly groping me in public and calling me “Sweetheart.” (By the way, as a man trapped in a women’s body, being molested by an old guy is so many layers of gross and confusing for a 12-year-old.)

Living in a female body also meant having to get a period. This is a terrifying responsibility that includes birth control, pregnancy scares, and being part of the half of the species that is expected to make all the new humans. It’s not okay. Seriously, it’s way too much responsibility and also it’s like a shoe that doesn’t fit. I always wanted to be a dad, so why was I constantly in danger of becoming a mom? There is no overstating how much the reproductive responsibility weighs on you.

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Being the XX chromosome holder also means living on a hormone roller-coaster. It means having to be tougher than those who don’t have ovaries. Non-ovary people claim that they are stoic, but they only think they are. They don’t know what it’s like to act totally normal while your insides are on fire and blood is running out of you. Nothing is more hardcore, and no one has ever had to be more stoic than a person on their period.

Being a “woman” (a word used here to denote having to bear the burden of reproduction because no other word exists for this concept) means having to be way more responsible than the non-ovary having people. It’s much harder, and it’s completely unfair.

That’s why I am a feminist.

It doesn’t matter that my mind is male. My body is female, and I know first-hand that being female is much harder, comes with tons of disadvantages and basically no advantages, and is just shitty as fuck. It’s awful. I don’t say that because of the dysphoria. I say that objectively after a fair comparison. Women have less rights, are treated worse, are expected to shoulder more burdens, and are told to shut the fuck up about it.

As a man with a vagina, I find this offensive.

It’s an insult to my brain to live in this body, but it’s more of an insult that this body is given a lower standing in the world than a male one would be. I’m offended by how society treats “women.”

This can mean things like lower wages and a lack of respect given (which transgender women experience.) It can also mean things like less access to healthcare and period discrimination (which is more of a cisgender women or pre-op trans man thing.)

Yes, it is confusing. There are not nearly enough words to describe all these ideas. I am furious when I want to complain about having periods and worrying about pregnancy and abortion rights, because the only words I’m allowed to say to describe that are: “I hate being a woman.” And obviously, those words are inaccurate. They are wrong for me because inside I am not a woman. They are also wrong for transgender men who take testosterone and live as men, but who haven’t had bottom surgery. They’re not women either, but they also have the period-and-pregnancy-problem. And, it’s discriminatory against XX women who have had a hysterectomy or women who are MTF trans, because they are also women but do not have the period-and-pregnancy-problem.

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And when I say, “I need a separate word for the period-and-pregnancy problem” (because “women” doesn’t work) people tell me I shouldn’t even be allowed to ask for a word for my experiences because it “excludes some women.” Which, like, of course it does. I’m not talking about being a women. That’s literally the point.

You can’t even talk about being transgender without offending basically everyone. Even other transgender people are offended when I call myself transgender since I live as the sex that I was born. You can’t ever make everyone happy on this topic, because someone will always find a way to twist something you said into an insult against someone else. And yet, no amount of offense can change the facts. I’m a guy. I live in a girl’s body. I even wear makeup. And although I was born a girl and I live as a girl, I’m still transgender because I experience gender dysphoria.

I hope you got something out of this explanation, because I think these are conversations we need to be having. I mean, at dinner parties no one can ever grasp me explaining that “I use female pronouns but I’m the husband,” while my other half says “I use male pronouns and I’m the wife.” It shouldn’t be that hard. Honestly. Just refer to me as she/her and treat me like the husband. Refer to him as he/him and treat him like the wife. Done. (It’s just a preference that makes us comfortable with you, after all.)

People really pretend that it’s much harder in practice than it is.

One final thing: It should be clear that all of this has nothing at all to do with our kink roles. I happen to be the Domme and also the husband, but I am not the Domme because I am the husband. He happens to be the submissive and the wife, but he’s not the submissive because he’s the wife. Kink roles are not related to gender at all, nor should they be.

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