Tell Them They’re Sexy

FB_IMG_1465503065617

 

Sometimes people ask me how they can get their significant other to try new things. I get a lot of “I have a fantasy about this, but he/she would never go for it…”

If you want to make your sex life more exciting, you don’t need to buy toys or spend money. You can, but you don’t need to. The most important thing you can do is to make your significant other feel sexy.

Never underestimate the power of making someone feel gorgeous and wanted.

In my life, I have absolutely surprised myself by trying  lots of things I never thought I would. Every time, it was because someone made me feel sexy and fun and interesting, and I wanted to do new and exciting things with them because they made me feel that way.

FB_IMG_1466706499717

Sadly, I guess the first step is to see your partner as sexy.

I know that we hold both men and women to unrealistic standards of beauty these days, and so both men and women can sometimes have trouble seeing their partner as beautiful.

I don’t know what will work for you, but I have a few suggestions that might help:

1. Try switching from professional porn to amateur porn.

2. Try seeing the beauty of their personality shining out of their eyes.

3. Try focusing on features of theirs that you love.

Whatever you do, find a way to see them as sexy, and then make sure that they can feel your attraction and desire. It definitely makes for more exciting and adventurous sex!

Now, I don’t post pictures of myself or talk about myself a lot. However, I know a thing or two about feeling unattractive after spending three years in South Korea. I may have been considered smoking hot in the USA, but in Korea everyone called me fat constantly and told me to diet all the time. It absolutely made me want to have sex less, and be less adventurous.

FB_IMG_1466281756966
If you look at this picture (above) I am the one second from the left. You’ll notice that I am the fattest and least attractive person on that stage. That was pretty typical of my experiences in South Korea, and it absolutely affected how I felt about myself.

So take it from someone who knows, confidence is sexy. And to get confidence, you need feel hot. So do everything you can to make your partner feel attractive!

Bottom of the Barrel

Bad-date-kissy-face

Recently, I had two people message me on fetlife.com. Both were jerks and I want to tell you about it because I think it’s exemplifies what I said in my last post about how dating can be hard.

Yes, there is the adventure of meeting new people and maybe falling in love. That part is great! But there is also the frustration of putting yourself out there and getting back a lot of garbage.

So I will give you these two examples of garbage from my inbox this week.

awkward-date

Guy Number One:

The first guy said:

“Wut u up to i want to fuk.” 

He had no profile picture, and no information filled out about himself. So for all I knew, he could be an 800 pound serial killer. He probably was.

When I replied back and said that he would do better to talk to women like people (i.e. say “Hello” to them first) and to fill out his profile a little, he quickly messaged back and called me an “ugly whore.”

Now, I am a slutty, dirty whore. That’s true. I am a magically delicious super slut. I have a lot of very hot, very nasty sex and I love it. I have threesomes and orgies and I do all the things that your girlfriend thinks are gross.

But ugly!

Anyway, I was just giving actual helpful advice. I didn’t point out the spelling or grammar errors in his original message, although there were many. I genuinely think men who message women with idiot stuff have never been taught better, and so I nicely offered to help.

So naturally, he called me an “ugly whore.”

What-are-you-smiling-at-old-man_o_11399

Guy Number Two:

First off, you should know that I am 34 years old. My husband is 25. That should give you an idea of the age range that I hang out in.

Guy number two is 68 years old. He messages me to say that he wants to hang out.

Now, he was polite, and I appreciate that. So I say that it is a shame the island is so small and that we have so few chances to hang out with new people, but that I don’t think he’s my type.

He could have left it at that, but he didn’t. He just had to know why.

I was as nice as possible. I said “There is a more than 30 year age gap between us, and that makes me uncomfortable because even my dad is only 25 years older than me. Imagine if I 98 year old messaged you. It would be kind of like that.”

After all, I am just trying to politely explain that I am not into daddy-daughter stuff or age play or any of that (and of course my profile does reflect my interests). I am uncomfortable with older men due to being molested when I was young, and someone older than my dad just grosses me out beyond words to think about.

So naturally he sent back a nasty message about how no matter how old we get, we are all the same inside, and that I was discriminating and a bitch. Because, I guess, who cares if I have hangups that are personal to my history and insurmountable in my mind?

youre-too-old-for-me

Summary

I understand that dating can be frustrating. I have a friend just dipping her toes into the dating game after years of not even trying, and I have been doing my best to be encouraging and helpful. I know it’s hard.

However, on fetlife.com I expect a certain standard of behavior. I expect people to greet me in a manner befitting my persona, and to accept any kind rejection with returned kindness. We’re all into different stuff, and that is okay.

I guess it’s partly Guam, which has shown me little in the way of viable options. The one nice guy I met was ordered off to Nebraska before we got a chance to really hang out. It is a small island.

Still, we can maintain our decency as a community, can’t we? We can be polite and encourage those who are new, or who don’t fit in quite right, can’t we?

Mostly I never check my Fetlife anymore because of the sort of people who have messaged me since I have been here. But I have been disappointed each time I have checked it and that is too bad.

Dating Tips

images (1)

Dating is a complicated venture.

I usually write about it from my own perspective as a polyamourous person in a happy marriage, and with several secondary relationships that I value. However, I have been asked a lot of questions about the subject from people in other places in life. This has motivated me to get back to basics and give some very basic suggestions. 

images

First, it’s okay to have preferences. If you’r not into guys your dad’s age, don’t let anyone tell you that you are wrong for that. If you’re monogamous and need a monogamous partner, say so up front. Your needs and desires are all that matters when you are dating. Don’t let anyone bully you into a relationship that you are not comfortable with. This is really important because there are always going to be people that are not what you are looking for, but who insist that you should “give them a chance.” A relationship isn’t going to work if you aren’t interested.

download

Second, online dating is definitely a great invention. When you met someone at the grocery store, you could only base your decision to go on a date with them on their looks. Now, you can find out ahead of time if you have things in common, so you don’t have to worry about that awkward moment when yo realize the person sitting across from you is someone you can’t relate to on anything.

However, with online dating comes a lot of nonsense. A lot of people who you will talk to are frustrated, and they may take that frustration out on you. There’s the chance of getting a dick picture in response to “hello” as well. Just understand that it is a process and that if you work at it, you can weed out the bad ones.

images (2)

Third, be honest about what you want. Most people, if they are honest with themselves, want the same thing: Someone to hang out and do stuff with, and to have sex with. We are sociable animals and we enjoy companionship.

Yes, it’s true that women are programmed to think about marriage by a bunch of really sexist propaganda in society. The same propaganda instructs men to believe that they are only supposed to want sex, with colorful saying designed to teach them to avoid attachments like “Hit it and quit it.”

However, if we are all honest, what we really want is someone to go on adventures with and watch Netflix with and have sex with. We want companionship, and we want it with someone who makes us feel sexy and special.

Be honest about the other things you want too. It doesn’t help anyone if you are really interested in dating someone of the same religion but you won’t admit it. No one wants to have their time wasted. If someone isn’t what you’re looking for, just be honest. I have ended a lot of dates with “We probably won’t see each other again, but it was nice to meet you.” And that’s okay. It’s alright when it doesn’t work out. Just be honest, because the longer you waste time on a bad match, the longer it will take you to find a good match.

images (3)

So then there’s the sex. I want to start by saying that I am a magically delicious super slut, and sex has always been something of a hobby for me. I like to read about it, study it, and have it. I have slept with more than 200 people (maybe 3/4 guys but also women), and most of them were a passionate flings where we had sex all the time for weeks.

I wont go as far as to call myself an expert. I don’t have a degree in sex therapy or anything like that. There are experts out there (you can read about them in Bonk by Mary Roach.) However, I would go so far as to say that I am knowledgeable.

So please take my word for it when I say that the majority of women do not cum from penetration. It just doesn’t happen. I am sorry if your High School girlfriend faked a few orgasms and now you have an idea in your head of “how it is.” But if you think women cum from penetration then you have gotten the wrong impression.

Women mostly cum from clitoral stimulation. That’s just how we are made. And it is absolutely okay to ask her what she likes or how she gets off. It shows that you are a good lover who is willing to take an interest in the pleasure of your partner.

download (1)

Now if we talk about sex, then we need to talk about safety. There is no such thing as safe sex, but the good news is that you can take steps to have safer sex. Condoms are a wonderful invention and you should definitely use them! Dental dams or saran wrap should be used for performing oral sex on a girl. And, it’s really best if you both get tested first and trade paperwork beforehand. I know that’s hard outside the kink community where people have actually yelled at me for not trusting them! That’s right. Strangers. People I had only been on a few dates with. And they wanted me to trust them with my life! I don’t even trust people I really love with everything all the time.

Look, STDs are spread through skin-to-skin contact and no method of prevention is 100% effective. However, I am pretty sure that it’s wise to take all the steps you can to protect yourself. I am not sure why I ever end up having to debate that.

images (4)

 

Now, there’s the matter of who does what. I am so over gender stereotypes that I really don’t know. I mean, look; if you think you are a princess and you want someone to open doors for you and buy your drinks then, I dunno, okay. But that’s not most women anymore.

As an example, I always pay for dates. If someone wants to argue with me, then I will let them split the bill with me. However, I am a control freak and I don’t want anyone to ever think I owe them anything. I don’t even have credit cards, so trust me, this runs deep. No one will ever hold anything over my head. I wrote thousands of scholarship applications to avoid student loans. I am not going to have anyone feel like I owe them a thing.

Anyway, work it out among yourselves, but be honest. If you are a feminist but you like to have doors opened for you, then admit that. If you’re like me and you tend to lead rather than follow, be honest about that too. We are all mature adults who can negotiate how we relate to one another in a modern world.

couple-speed-dating-960x500

And finally, it’s okay to walk away. You don’t owe anyone your time of attention. If you go out with someone and you don’t feel into them, it’s okay to say so, and to part as friends. I have definitely had a few dates where I realized someone wasn’t right for me. Recently a guys said “Gun free zones are why we have shootings.” He seemed like a nice guy, but for me, I just can’t handle people who advocate for more guns in the US. I am very political and if we can’t agree on politics, I can’t date you.

I once dated a guy who held very different beliefs from me. We dated for a long time and we fought a lot. At the time, I thought that it was normal and that all couples fought like we did. However, now that I have dated more and met more people, I have realized that it is possible to find someone that you’re not in constant disagreement with, and now my life is a lot more harmonious.

Don’t put yourself through years of hell with someone who wants to fight everything you think or everything you say. There are plenty of fish in the sea. If someone says something that sends up a red flag for you, just walk away. It’s okay to do that.

Tips for Keeping a Sexual Relationship Healthy

feet-in-bed

A recent conversation with a friend prompted this post. I don’t know if it will help him, but perhaps it will be helpful to some of you.

Disclaimer: I am half of a poly couple, which means I cheat and get ideas from sex with other people.

In a monogamous relationship, sometimes things can begin to feel stale in the bedroom. In particular, if you live with someone, it can be hard to switch from “comfortable companion mode” to “sexy mode.”

Hours spent comfortably in another person’s presence can get you used to them being around in a non-sexual way. Not the mention the fact that you see a person you live with at their worst, when they are stuck in the bathroom with diarrhea or lying in the dark with a migraine. It can be harder to see someone as a sexual being after seeing them in sweatpants.

ftd-pic

Another problem is the “they’ll be here tomorrow” mentality.  When you live with someone, you see them every day (usually). This means that you might put off initiating sex today, because you can always do it tomorrow. (Pun intended.)

Anyway, here are my ideas to help sexualize your relationship:

e490253a75aca20b80b7056266158301

First, most sex therapists recommend setting aside designated sex time. This is a great idea because it takes the pressure off of the person initiating sex. They know that they don’t have to, because you have prearranged to meet in the bedroom at 9pm on Friday and have sex.

download

It may not sound very sexy, but it can be. It gives people an excuse to buy candles, lingerie, make a sexy playlist, or whatever they have been thinking about but putting off. It also gives a time and place, so that both parties can mentally prepare. Maybe one of you is showering. Maybe one of you is watching a sexy movie. Whatever. You have a set time, so you can both do thinks you like to get in the mood.

rhn-sex-therapy

Second, talking is always the best way to deal with sexual tension (or tension about a lack of sex.) If you are nervous, do this in a way that you think you can handle. Love letters, sexy emails, naughty text messages, and other means of indirect communication can be a good start.

Ideally, you want to move to a place where you can talk in person. For that, I recommend laying in bed cuddling in the dark. You don’t want to try to talk about sex at the dining room table, particularly if you aren’t feeling very sexy. But if you can agree to be in the dark, while maintaining physical contact, it will make it easier to talk about the underlying feelings that led to the bedroom issues in the first place.

0479

Often as men age, they have more trouble getting erections. This can lead to them feeling ashamed, and women blaming themselves. But it can also be hard to talk about. So get into bed, turn off the lights, and admit:

“I feel less manly because I have trouble getting an erection.”

“I feel like I am too fat or not sexy enough, and like it is my fault.”

You will find that you’re both hurt by a thing that is actually out of your control (it’s just a physical issue with soft tissue not getting enough blood flow.) From there, you can decide what to do. Perhaps you decide to just both put more effort into foreplay and not focus so much on penetration. Perhaps you decide to see a doctor and get medication. Whatever. Work it out together, and you will both be better for it.

break-the-rules

Third, try new stuff. If this means reading blogs like mine to get ideas, okay. If it means watching porn, okay. It doesn’t matter where you get your ideas. At a place called the CSPC is Seattle, they often have workshops on things like Erotic Massage or Impact Play, and classes in new things can be very helpful, so that when you try them you feel confident.

You can try toys. Or, there is always role play. Sexy clothes can be fun, too.

Dirty-and-Sexy-Truth-or-Dare-Questions-e1441156089949

My point is; if you try new things and don’t like them that’s okay. You don’t have to try role play and find out that you want to do it all the time for it to help your relationship. Just the act of trying new things together can be a sharing experience that makes you both feel more connected and in touch with each other.

exercise-stretch

Fourth, try working out. If you find that you’re not in the mood as often as you used to be, this could very well be a hormone issue. Both men and women produce more testosterone when they work out, and this is a hormone associated with desire to have sex.

Besides, it’s possible that some of the lack of sex you’re having is due to the body issues of one or both parties. That is a completely valid feeling, particularly in a culture that sexualizes twigs passing themselves off as human. It’s common to feel ugly or unattractive, which can lead to not wanting to have sex. So if you burn a few extra calories, maybe it will help?

481d1697387dfd57b7d9581c1e35f9be

Related to this is compliments. If you are concerned that your partner is feeling unattractive, or even if you are not, it never hurts to compliment them. Passing observations like “I like your hair today” or “That shirt looks good on you” are awesome. But you can also do more sexy compliments where you come up behind your partner and whisper in their ear. Things like “When you wear that, I want to tear all your clothes off” or “Seeing you standing here looking beautiful makes me so proud to be with you” can be useful tools to help your partner feel sexy.

And remember, when you and your partner both feel sexy, you’ll have better sex more often.

sex_therapy_home-490x326

Finally, you can always seek counseling. Most people feel uncomfortable seeking counseling for sex, because it’s such a taboo topic to talk about. However, if you are having trouble maintaining a healthy sexual relationship, then you are going to struggle as a couple. So put your fears aside, and think about seeing someone for help and advice.

No matter what you do, remember that you both have the same goal. You want to have a happy relationship, and a part of that is sex.

I would hope that anyone who reads my blog is smart enough to know the basics: Women don’t cum from penetration, everyone deserves an orgasm in sex, it doesn’t have to be centered around the male orgasm, etc. The shared goal of mutual pleasure is an important component to a relationship, and resentment can build up when you go long periods without having sex. So keep calm, remember you both want the same thing, and then figure out how to get what you want.

download (1)

Birthday Slut

Happy-birthday-celebration-in-Pattaya

 

Every year WordPress reminds me that it is my blogging birthday by asking me to pay to renew my domain. I wish they would follow that with a congratulations on another year of blogging, but they never do.

download (1)

I guess that means it’s up to me to congratulate myself.

Of course, it would help if I could remember what anniversary this was. I have this same problem in my marriage (sorry Pet!) But I think this is four years. That’s a solid chuck of time to have produced new and exciting kinky content, so I feel like I can be pretty proud of myself.

naughty birthday9

Happy Birthday to the Magically Delicious Super Slut! May there be many more.

(Incidentally, my actual birthday is also in August, so if you wished me a happy blogging birthday, it would also be my human birthday.)

kinky_cakes_by_susiebeeca-d4y4ps0

Shameless Part Two

images

Awhile ago, I pointed out that my husband added a PayPal button, in hopes that some of you might consider my writing worth a few dollars here and there. (I’m a writer so of course I am poor.)

I have since then heard other bloggers refer to their PayPal buttons as tip jars, and I love that. I want to think of it as a tip jar, because as a long-time bartender, tipping is a well-established way to show appreciation in my head.

Anyway, it sounds so much better than begging.

f371f4fbb28826f33a9dc6e484f7a664

I have always joked that I am a “shameless promotions whore.” If a friend of mine is in a new band, you had better believe that I am telling everyone about it (check out Jonah Foree in Goth Brooks.)

In fact, I have an entire page on this blog just devoted to telling you how great my friends are.

However, I have always been a shameless promotions whore for other people. I don’t have much experience doing it for myself.

I finally understand what all my artist friends were always talking about when they said that it feels like begging to ask anyone to support your art. It does. And now that I am writing a series of kinky romance novels instead of working for actual money, I completely understand where they were at when they lamented “friends” asking to get into shows free or asking for a painting as a “gift” instead of paying.

faf85d06e888771e8ce12d1a3b036c1b

So I am going to be a shameless promotions whore for myself.

It’s probably about time I did so.

Please buy my book. And if that is too much money for you, then please consider transferring a “tip” to me through Paypal.

The more you support art, the better art there will be in the world. And as we all know, art is one of the most important things we can all support in order to make our society better.

Thanks for listening.

download

Fantasies Can Be Just That

Gondelman-Taboo-1200-630-29135526

I always remind people that it’s okay to want to act out sexual fantasies, but to remember that they don’t have to act out every fantasy they ever have.

Most women have a gang bang fantasy, for example. This is perfectly normal because we did evolve from moneys, and we still have the instincts to collect a variety of genetic material. (This is because competition is essential if we want the best of everything.) Anyway, this is a fine fantasy to have, but it can be a dangerous one to play out unless you know all the men, and you have STD tests from all of them. If not, you run the risk of getting sick.

Now, some people have different risk tolerances than others. It may be that I think something is a perfectly acceptable risk, but you think it’s reckless. When I rode a motorcycle, a lot of people chastised me for being reckless with my life. But, I thought the risk of death or serious injury was low, and so I chose to ride.

secret

But there are other things besides risk that may stop you. You may be in a monogamous relationship with a partner. Or, you may be in an open relationship with a partner, but they would be upset by your specific fantasy. (Example: A cuckold fantasy you have might not be okay with your partner. Maybe they are okay with you sleeping around, but not while they are there/have to think about it.)

And of course, you may be stopping yourself. Many people who have been raped have rape fantasies (because rape fantasies are really common anyway) but they can’t act on them because it would bring up unpleasant memories. Or, they may be too afraid to ask for those things from a partner who knows they have been through a trauma, because they worry that it will make it look as though they are over the trauma, or like it was never that bad.

I wrote a lot about tolerance when I was doing the Fetish Series. And, I thought about it a lot too. How often do we judge someone for their desires? How often do we make people feel bad for who they are? And I don’t believe for a moment that we can control our fantasies. I really do believe that they are involuntary and come from a part of our mind that is wild.

stock-footage-man-telling-a-secret-to-a-surpirsed-girl

And, if our fantasies are as impossible to control as our sexual orientation, then maybe we should be more careful about judging them. Why knows where ideas come from? Hasn’t every writer tried to define the origin of the muse and failed? So let’s not condemn each other for fantasies that we have, or be afraid to tell people.

While accepting that it’s okay to share fantasies and accepting that we shouldn’t judge them, let’s also realize that having a fantasy doesn’t mean you have to do it. Sometimes it’s just fun to dream. We as kinksters often get caught up in living all of our fantasies because we live some of the fantasies that society considers taboo. And that is awesome; I’m not saying that it’s not.

Still, let’s always be willing to admit that some things are just fun to dream about, and there are some things that we might never do. And that’s okay. Staying in your comfort zone is okay.

Safe, sane, and consensual!

guy-telling-a-secret