Subspace

Picture of cute subs in my hallway.

I have been asked a lot about how to get into subspace. This is a really good question, but it doesn’t exactly have an answer. Or rather, I think it’s different for everyone. I’m better at giving advice to Dommes about how to put a sub into subspace, but I was asked to write something specifically for subs, so here goes:

Acceptance: First, you have to accept it to find it. That means that, no matter how headstrong you are, you can’t ask your Domme to “break you” so you can find subspace. If you want to submit, then you have to let yourself submit. A big part of it is letting yourself be under someone else’s control and learning to let go.

Enthusiasm:  Even if you’re not feeling it, do what your Domme asks you to do with enthusiasm! Don’t repeat phrases like “I’m your slut” in a whisper. When your Domme gives you a phrase to repeat for call-and-response, say it like you mean it. Do everything like you mean it, until you do.

Stance: Having a good posture is very helpful. Feet together! Don’t slouch! Head up and eyes lowered respectfully! Make your body submit and your mind will follow.  A lot of our mindset comes from our posture, so be very mindful of this.

Focus: Shift the focus in your mind off of you. Don’t worry about your goose bumps or your knees being soar. Think of how your goal is to please your Domme and make them happy. Only let yourself think of how important it is to please your Domme.

Disclaimer: This makes me sound like an asshole, but these are helpful things to keep in mind during a scene, so you can find subspace for the first time. Obviously during after care, you will want to voice all concerns with your Domme. Did she hit you too hard? Were you cold? What did you find sexy and what did you find distracting? Let these things flow out of you after the scene is over. Talking is important! Communication is key!

I’m not saying you should forget your happiness because of course, if you have a good Domme, her focus IS your happiness. All I am saying is that during a scene, if you keep these things in mind, I think it will help you find that special place where you are outside of yourself and your problems, and you are in a pure submissive state. That’s the peace you’re chasing, so hopefully these tips can help you find it!

Sensory Deprivation 101

I love this blindfold and will make my next submissive wear it!

Before I start, I’d like to remind you all that these are just techniques that I use, and they don’t necessarily work for everyone. I’m just here to give you ideas- but no one said I am right.

Quote: “Can you speak up- I don’t have my glasses on.” My friend said this to me, and as silly as it sounds, it made perfect sense to me. She was having trouble hearing me because she couldn’t see, and her body was freaking out and being confused. She felt helpless. That helpless feeling is a step in the right direction to putting someone into subspace.

First, let’s talk about blindfolding your partner. This can be difficult. It’s not always easy to find a blindfold that will fit your partner. However, there are many advantages to having someone unable to see. Sight is something we depend on a great deal. Without it, a submissive can’t always tell where I am, or what toy I am about to use on them. I find many submissives enjoy that feeling of suspense.

So what are some good things to do when a submissive can’t see you? I’ll be honest- I’m somewhat of a sadist. I like to hurt them in ways they didn’t see coming. It’s fun to hear someone gasp when they’ve just been bitten on the nipple completely unexpectedly. It’s fun to see someone squirm in pain when they’ve been spanked unexpectedly. Again, that’s just me.

You might choose to be more sensual with it. Feathers are good to tease people, as well as ice cubes, and knives. (Please use the dull side to avoid accidentally cutting your sub when they jump or get startled!)

In addition to blindfolds, there are lots of other ways to deny your partner the senses they depend on. I enjoy using a gag, because even if someone does not usually speak, there is a big difference between choosing not to speak and not being able to speak (taking away choices can be sexy). I’d like to caution people though: Non-verbal safe words are very important. Make sure you talk to your partner about a way for them to signal that they are unhappy (yellow light) and a way to signal that they want to end the scene (red light).

On that note, I am going to get up on a soap box for one minute because I had a conversation with someone that made me need to express this often and assertively: It is okay to use a safe word. It’s not a failure. It’s not being a bad sub. If you want me to stop, say so! I think all responsible Dominant-types are always perfectly happy to stop whatever they are doing immediately if their partner wishes it- no matter what. There should never be disappointment associated with using a safe word. It’s a learning experience and those are important.

Sorry. I’m climbing down off my soap box now. Back to tips and tricks for gagging your partner. Once you establish a non-verbal safe word such as the stiffening of the spine or the tapping on a foot on the ground, then you’re ready to gag your submissive. Some people really like to get creative with this. They like to use their sub’s underwear as a gag, or some other found object in a house. I personally use a ball gag, because I am lazy. Toys made for the purpose are easier than improvised toys, in my humble opinion. That is just a matter of personal taste.

For me, it’s much easier to play with verbal degradation when my sub is gagged. I feel like, even if they wouldn’t talk back while their mouth was unobstructed, it’s easier for me to tell them what a dirty little fuck-toy they look like while they are unable to respond. I also enjoy flogging more when my sub is gagged, because they can’t really scream properly. The same goes for pegging. It’s much more fun when they make those strangled, helpless noises through their nose because they can’t call out. (Also, the neighbors probably appreciate it.)

Obviously I’ve talked before about rope, and that is another good way to take some of your submissive’s freedom. Not letting them touch you (particularly when they are bound) can be very intense. It lets you be in control of every touch that happens between you. No matter how much they want to reach out for you, they can not.

Of course, you can combine these various things, and have fun with them in various ways. It’s a lot of fun to keep a submissive’s blindfold on the whole time they are at your house, for example. So, when they want to go pee, they will have to feel their way around while you watch and chuckle (but keep an eye on them!). You can even leave them gagged and blindfolded, only letting their hands and feet free. Feeding someone while they are blindfolded is interesting, too.

At any rate, remember that the bottom line is always safety. Never forget to be attentive to your sub and always check often that they are okay. Also remember that respect is key. Have respect for the people who are willing to submit to you, and treat them well.

Bag of Tricks

I recently had a play party. I had to pack up a few things for the night.

 

Bag of Tricks

 

It was a really big bag to carry on the subway, but not heavy. Vinyl doesn’t way all that much.

All kinds of fun stuff inside…

Looks pretty cool inside, right? Wait until you see it all out of the bag…

 

Boots, dress, and hat. Plus a blindfold and ball gag still in the bag.

 

I didn’t have to take much, since the person who’s house the party was at had violet wands, whips, and chains. Just needed to bring my clothes and a few of my favorite toys for the sensory deprivation talk.

 

Physics is fun!

The weather outside is perfect and I can’t think of a better time to run around and have fun with someone. Sadly, I haven’t heard much from Mr. Nice Guy or Mr. Uptight. To be fair, it’s not like I’ve been trying to talk to them or anything. I get bored easily when I am not excited about the sex…

Thankfully, I’d been flirting with a guy online and we finally had the chance to meet up. He’s in the country to work for the Koreans doing some cool Physics-related stuff. I jumped on over to the MIT open course web site, and brushed up on my Physics quickly when we set a date to meet.

I actually used to date an aerospace engineer, so I’ve done enough time around graduate students in science and engineering to speak their language. Physics specifically though- I don’t think I’d thought about that since freshmen year in college! After a little brushing up and some stalking (I looked up his name and read the papers he’s published in various science journals) I was ready to rock.

I took him to a picnic. A group called Lost in Seoul put it on and I had sort of wanted to go anyway, so I thought, why not? A picnic is a classy first date, right? I guess it was because he seemed impressed. Now, before I go on I should give him a name, but he has a PHD so I feel like Dr. is more appropriate than Mr. in this case…  So how about Dr. Desire? It’s cheesy, but I get wet when guys talk nerdy to me so I wanted him almost the moment I met him. How lucky, I thought when I first saw him, that he is smart AND cute!

We walked all over, ate dinner, hung at a bar, and ended up back at his place. There was sex, and it was really good. I mean, it wasn’t really kinky or anything, but it was the best sex I have had since Mr. Bond, so that was awesome! Physics must come into play somewhere here, because he moved in a really sexy, awesome way.

We got breakfast in the morning. He’s nuts about bagels (yes, he’s Jewish) so that’s what we did. I don’t usually eat breakfast, but I am willing to indulge someone who entertains me and Dr. Desire most certainly does. I wish he was in town longer!

Before he left, we made a plan to travel to the beach next weekend. I am pretty fucking excited!

Oh, and Mr. Knight has finally decided what to do. He bought a plane ticket to go see his sister on some island in Central America, and then he’ll head home to Tennessee. He was actually talking to his parents the other day and I got to hear his accent come out… so adorable! He’s a dear and I’ll miss him, but I’m also kind of happy to have my house back soon. A few more weeks…

Scene Negotiation

Everyone likes different things- in the kink universe and outside of it. Personally, I love vanilla candles. 😉

People have different communications styles and some people just aren’t very good at communicating. Here are some tips for finding out what your partner is into:

Trade Porn: I like to do this with everyone I date because knowing what they have been watching can give you an idea of what they would be interesting in doing with you. This isn’t always true. Sometimes people have a disconnect between the porn they watch and what they want to do. I find it useful though, as long as you’re both willing to be mature adults and admit that you both watch porn. (Or at least read erotica!)

E-mail: I personally am a writer, so I find that I order my thoughts better through my fingers than I would through my mouth. I’m not known for being a graceful speaker. Typing out potential scenes gives your partner a chance to think about them before responding as well, so they don’t have to decide right away if they are okay with it.

In person: When people came to the dungeon they didn’t often know what they wanted, so I had a list of ideas prepared for newbies. If you’re going to negotiate in person, be ready to just start listing things off when your submissive gets tongue-tied and isn’t sure how to express their desires. Start with simple things such as verbal humiliation, being tied up, and flogging. Go from there if they seem calm about it.

Over the Phone: This is good because the submissive does not have to look you in the eyes. It can be hard to be in the same room with someone while saying something like “I’d like you to spit on me and call me a dirty cunt.” This method allows the physical distance that can make emotional distance easier. Emotional distance is seems to be the most important factor in being comfortable expressing oneself.

-Worksheets: I know it feels silly to be filling out a worksheet about an intimate relationship, but some people are shy and it’s hard to get them talking. Even when they do talk, they are often unsure about what they want. I find worksheets helpful sometimes, if a person is difficult to feel out.

Note About After care: As you all know, this is the most important part of a scene. This can be accomplished by all of the methods above, but this more than anything else is best in person. Tone of voice means a lot, as well as facial expressions. If you can get someone to be expressive in person, you can get the best idea of how they felt about the various parts of the scene. Make sure to talk about each part. Ask questions like “When you were tied up, did you feel like the ropes were too tight?” or “Did you feel okay with how hard I hit you?” You will both have a better experience if you can communicate better. Resentment can build up in any relationship, but it seems to build up in the most dangerous and dramatic ways in a BDSM relationship. Everyone talks about how important after care is because it is.

I lost control

I am usually a very controlled person. I am not often provoked, and it is almost impossible to insult me. That said, sometimes I go a little overboard when wrestling. I like to play-fight with partners when it’s not clear who is the more Dominant. I think power struggles are fun. Last night though, I went too far and tore some skin off. I should be more careful!

I drew blood, which I try to never do. My bad.