Ah, the age old power struggle over who belongs in the kitchen…


I’ve had a lot of people act really uptight at play parties and stuff lately. I feel like there’s this misconception that because BDSM involves pain, and sometimes discipline,  it somehow has to be serious all the time.  BDSM does not have to be taken too seriously. Lots of people have fun with it!

Perhaps some of this overly-serious behavior comes from the fact that the desire to get involved in the community is something people usually have for many years before they find a way in. I feel like BDSM urges often end up buried pretty deep in someones’ mind. By the time they finally get up the guts to express them, they’ve been feeling shame about having such urges for a long time. Don’t be ashamed! There is nothing wrong with wanting to join our awesome community!

There is also this misconception that has cropped up a lot because of 50 Shades of Grey, in which people think a submissive in bed equals a submissive all the time. On the contrary, I find that it is the most powerful, aggressive people who have the desire to submit sexually. I have had powerful men come to my dungeon, and I feel like it’s the control and leadership they display every day that makes them crave some total and complete submission at night.

Sure, some people are always submissive. However, I wouldn’t ever presume to make assumptions. I meet couples often where one is always telling the other what to do out in public, but then I’ll talk to them more and realize their roles reverse in bed.

Also, I have a of girls ask how they can incorporate sex into a scene where they are being a Domme. The have this idea that being fucked in a submissive act. It’s not; and it’s absolutely possible to be a female Domme and still have sex as part of your play. You just have to know what you want, and order your partner to do it.

I can’t dispel all the myths about the community in one post, but those are just a few things I’ve had on my mind lately that I needed to get out.

/end rant

From the Other Side

Rope is always a good start to a night.


I am not a trusting person. For me, this is terrifying. And yet, it’s an experience I want to have. I try to prepare myself by sitting in a submissive pose, with my shoulders hunched down and my legs crossed and hidden under the chair. I make myself as small as I can, and as my body leads, my mind follows. I begin to feel more submissive; more ready for this experience.

He comes into my house looking serious and businesslike. He uses a commanding voice, and tells me to strip. I stand meekly, with my eyes lowered to the floor. He watches me intently as I take my clothes off, so I feel more shy doing it.

When I finish, he lets me stand there naked for awhile before he speaks.

“On your knees,” he says.

He grabs my hair then, and wraps it around his hand so he can hold me still.

“What do you want, slut?” he asks.

“Only to please you, Master,” I reply quickly.

He pulls harder on my hair, and I let a gasp escape my lips.

“I enjoy the sound that my hand makes when it slaps your ass,” he says. “Come bend over this chair.”

It’s a recliner-style chair. The back is padded, and I think my master is kind to give me something soft to lean over for support. As I bend over, I feel terrified. The fear of pain is often worse than the actual pain. I think I tremble a little. The chair is vinyl and it is cold against my skin. I feel very exposed as I stand there naked, bent over, with my ass in the air. He runs his hands softly over my ass, letting my tension build.

“When I hit you, you must thank me and ask for more,” he says.

I find this very humiliating. When he hits me, I will want to beg him to stop. So of course, he is going to make me thank him and ask for more. He knows how hard it will be for me, and I think he is wicked.

It comes suddenly. Thwack! It stings so much! I want to cry out. I want to tell him to stop. I want to tell him I changed my mind and I don’t want to try being submissive. I want my power back! Yet I am stubborn too, and I know I should be able to bear up to the night I asked for.

“Thank you, Master” I manage to say. “May I please have another?”

“Why yes, you nasty little whore, you certainly may,” he says. He sounds so sadistic!

It continues for what feels like forever. He hits me harder and harder. I have to beg him for more. Every time I ask him to hit me again, it feels more humiliating than the last. It hurts so much my eyes are stinging as the tears come; completely against my will. I don’t cry! Yet, here I am blinking away tears.

I hear my voice break the next time I say “Thank you, Master. May I please have another?”

He grabs my hair and pulls my head back roughly.

“No, you may not,” he says harshly. “You may see how purple your ass is. Go into the bathroom now and look at it.”

I do as I am told, though it is hard to walk. In the bathroom, I turn enough to see my ass in the mirror. It is very purple, and somehow seeing it makes it hurt that much worse. He comes in and laughs at me, as I stand in front of the mirror looking at my bruised ass and crying.

“You are so easy to break,” he says. “But I’m far from done with you. You have a long night ahead of you. Get kneel on the yoga mat in the living room.”

I obey, and he stands over me. He unzips his pants, take his cock out, and shoves it in my mouth without any kind of warm-up or a word of warning. He grabs the sides of my head and holds on tight, and he fucks my face hard. I feel him inside my throat, and it hurts. I can only breath when he slides out, so I gasp then. When he thrusts in, I choke and gag and struggle. He doesn’t stop or even ask if I am okay. He just keeps fucking my face while I struggle and the tears keep running down my face.

Finally, he pulls out and cums on my face. I feel his cum sprinkle onto my skin and mix with the sweat and tears. He laughs at me.

“You look like such a pathetic little whore,” he tells me. “Now, don’t even think about getting up. I want you to smear my cum around on your face. Mix it up with your sweat and tears. I want to see you all sticky and dirty like the nasty little whore you are. Tell me how much you love to be my little slut.”

I reach up and rub my face, feeling the sticky wet mess all over my cheeks.

“Thank you for honouring this slut with your cum, Master,” I whisper. “I am so grateful that you let me please you with my mouth. I hope I have made you happy.”

He laughs. “Oh, not yet,” he says. “I am not nearly finished with you. I told you that you were in for a long night. When I am done enjoying how you look with cum and tears all over your pretty little face, I plan to rape you with random things in your apartment. Do you think your tight little cunt can handle a beer bottle? Because, I want to shove one up inside you. You’re not good enough for my cock, but I think I’ll enjoy fucking your cunt and your little asshole with some things I find in your house.”

I am afraid now. It sounds so painful. What if he hurts me? Can a beer bottle tear my pussy?

He starts looking around my house- and then he finds it. My toy box is under the couch. It’s where I keep my strap-on to fuck my pet, as well as all my whips and chains and toys.

“Jackpot,” he says.

He looks through the box, occasionally asking me if I like this toy or that toy. He tells me he will shove every one of them inside me. I feel myself getting more and more tense. I also feel his cum drying on my face. It’s itchy, and I want to scratch, but I know that would make him angry. I feel very humiliated  there on my knees watching him look through my toys, while his cum is drying on my face.

He finds my rope. He tells me to lay on my back on my table, and he starts to tie me up. He binds my hands and feet. He binds my breasts, until they ache from the ropes around them. They swell, and he seems to enjoy that. He puts nipple clamps on my nipples, and they swell as well. I find myself completely bound on my table, with my legs spread wide, tied to my arms. I am wide open, and I can’t help being afraid with my pussy and asshole to exposed.

As if reading my thoughts, he pulls one of the biggest dildoes out of my toy box. He slaps me across the face with it. It stings, but it also helps the itchiness. I try not to let on that I liked it a little.

“Why don’t you get it wet?” he says as he shoves it in my mouth. It’s huge, and it doesn’t really fit, but he forces it. “Lick it. Spit on it you little slut!”

When it’s wet, he walks around the table and looks at me. He slaps my pussy hard, and I squeak involuntarily. I think he will fuck me in my pussy then, and I am wet in spite of myself. I am dripping, in fact. I actually start to ache with how much I want it. But he doesn’t give it to me like I think he will. Instead, he suddenly shoves the huge, black dildo deep into my ass.

The pain is intense. The dildo is wide, and I feel my asshole stretch as it is filled up. He laughs at my surprise, and he sounds to vicious. He starts fucking me with it, hard. I feel it slam in and out of me, and it feels good even as it hurts. Because I am on my back, some of the wetness from my pussy drips down, so at least there is enough lube for what he is doing.

Then, he shoves it is and gets a scarf. He ties it around me in such a way that it is holding the dildo in my ass.

“Get ready for my fist,” he says.

I am not ready, but he doesn’t seem to care. He starts by plunging three fingers in. He works them in and out a few times.

“You are so wet,” he says. “You like being fucked in the ass, don’t you? You nasty little whore. You LOVE a big cock in your ass. Look how wet you are! A dripping cunt doesn’t lie. You are loving this. What a little slut you are!”

He adds another finger. Now he is fucking me with four fingers. He closes his hand together and adds his thumb. As his whole fist shoves inside of me, I scream and try desperately to squirm away. It is so painful that I can’t stand it and I beg him to stop. I don’t say my safeword though, so he keeps his fist inside me. He starts to move it in and out, in and out. I feel like i am being torn in half. I’ve forgotten all about my safeword. I scream and beg and tears well up in my eyes again. I am overwhlmed, and I feel the muscles in my strain. In spite of the scarf, the dildo is pushed out of my ass.

“You naught girl,” he says. “I wanted you totally filled and you pushed the dildo out of you. Oh… I am going to have to punish you for that.”

He withdraws. Then he comes back with a whip. Before I know what is happening, he is whipping my pussy and my tits. He does it so hard that the welts raise immediately  He doesn’t even tell me to thank him, he just hits me while I scream.

When he stops, I am covered in welts. He unties me. He tells me to get to get on my knees. He tells me to bow down all the way to the floor and lick his feet. Does he really expect me to do this?!? Feet are so gross!  I feel like I am going to break a lot of boundaries tonight…


Bringing People In

Yay bondage!


Lately, I have had a lot of people who are in vanilla relationships tell me that they want to know how they can introduce their partner to BDSM. I feel like it’s probably a lot of girls who just read 50 Shades of Grey and thought it was hot… and I’m going to skip over the larger issues I have with that and just give some generic advice.

First, communications is key. I have already written a post about scene negotiation. Talking about anything you find awkward in terms of sex follows the same process. Find the method of communication that is best for you, and be as open as possible.

I find that with BDSM, porn is only helpful sometimes. It’s good for little things, like: “See how they’re using nipple clams? I want to buy some of them.” It’s not good for entire scenes, because most porn doesn’t have scenes in it. It’s just people in leather and vinyl fucking. There’s not a lot of things that most submissives consider fun, like verbal degradation and structured play where a Dom gives orders and someone follows. The really degrading stuff (like making someone suck on your toes or lick your boots) doesn’t translate well into porn, because it’s the headspace you’re in at the time that matters, and you can’t capture that in a movie.

The absolute best way to communicate is to write out scenes. I know it’s hard to get up the guts to do this, but it’s the best way to introduce your partner to the idea and help them get excited to try it.

For guys, remember that I recommend contracts. If you’re going to hit a girl, you need to get it in writing that she said she wanted it. Maybe even have her fill in a worksheet or two with her various fetishes. Make sure you’re protected in case she goes to the cops later saying you abuse her. I guess I think this is a good idea for everyone, but it’s more important for men because women are not often brought up on abuse charges.

Remember that the most important thing is to be open yourself. You have to be able to talk about what you want openly and honestly. Practice in front of a mirror, or to your friends, or in whatever way helps. Write things down  first if you want. Just remember that if you’re not able to talk about it, you can not expect your vanilla partner to be okay talking about it.

I am always surprised at how much resentment can build up in a relationship because of sex. People feel like they can’t talk about it, so they just get more and more frustrated. Every time they have sex with their partner they think about what they want. Maybe they are thinking “I really need him to spank me” or “I don’t understand why she won’t suck on my toes.” If you don’t ask for what you want, then you’re not going to get it. However, it seems like people can be too afraid to ask, and then still resent their partner for not doing the things they want.

The moral of the story is this: Those words inside your head? I can’t hear those! You need to tell me what you want, or I can’t give it to you.

With me in particular, my favorite thing to do is make people’s fantasies happen. I love when people tell me about something they have always wanted and I can make it happen for them. It’s the same with the play parties I throw where people have a great time. I love creating experiences that people can enjoy.

HOWEVER, I can not read minds.

One final thought: A sense of humor is essential. If I fuck you in the ass with my strap-on, there’s a chance that we might have a little accident and there might be some poo that comes out. If I’m wearing 6 inch stilletto heels, I might slip and fall on the tile because it’s wet with lube. This stuff could be really awkward, or it can be hilarious. Make it hilarious! Laugh at the mistakes and moments that aren’t as sexy as you want. Have fun with it. Sex is supposed to be fun- even when there are whips and chains involved. You NEED a sense of humor if you want to have a good time while pushing boundaries and experimenting with new things.

A female friend was watching Sex and the City once when I came over. It was an episode in which one of the girls was worried that her boyfriend would never want to have sex with her again because she farted in front of him. I was so disturbed by this that it still makes me mad to think about it now.

With BDSM you learn that your body does stuff sometimes that you can’t control. You might start laughing uncontrollably due to shock the first time you get flogged. You might get air trapped inside you the first time you try fisting. All kinds of things that you don’t expect can happen. So please, keep calm and have a sense of humor about everything you do. A sense of humor has saved many, many relationships!

How to hit on a girl

It’s great if you want to get whipped. It’s just not a good pick-up line.


As requested by a reader, here is something I’ve been mulling over for awhile. This is how to hit on a kinky girl…

On my fetlife profile, I get a lot of people who message me to say things like “I’ve been a very naughty boy and I need to be punished.” Or “I want you to tie me up and fuck me, Mistress.”

This is not from people I know or even from people who are my friends. This is just from random people who happened to see my profile and decide to introduce themselves in this way. Every time, I can not help but wonder if they are serious. Do these guys actually sit at home in front of their computer and think that those are good pick-up lines? Do they actually think I will stop in my tracks and say “My, I certainly am busy, but I’d better drop what I am doing and go spank this stranger.” In what universe does that sound realistic or sane?

I also know from talking to people that many girls who list themselves as submissive have the problem of men sending messages like “What’s up slut? I want to tie you up and shove my balls in your face.”

Both groups of people often send cock pictures along with their graceless pick up lines. I’ll be honest, that last bit is something I happen to appreciate. I really prefer about 7 inches, and it’s pretty disappointing when you spend all this time getting to know a guy, only to find out he has a tiny penis that’s not big enough to reach your G-spot. And yes, I am also disappointed when they are too big. There are guys out there with cocks that are huge, and those are hard on my various internal organs if I choose to put them inside me. The sending of a cock picture helps me to avoid accidentally wasting time on a guy I’ll just be disappointed with later. It’s still not a good way to start a conversation. It’s still rude. It’ll still turn most girls off. I’m just saying that I personally happen to find them a handy tool.

Oh- but I am pretty baffled when a guy sends me a cock picture and it’s tiny and hangs to the right or something. If that’s what you have to open with… well… sorry for you.
My point is, this is not the way to hit on girls.

If you want to get a girl’s attention, you need to do the same thing you would on the street. You need to start a conversation. Not about your balls or how you want to cum on her face. Kinky does not equal porn star or slut. You need to start a normal conversation. Read her profile. Does it say she’s into books? Do you like books too? Okay great! Say “Hey, I noticed you like books. I like books too. What is your favorite book?”

I know his seems like a radical idea, but in order to get a girl to pay attention to you, it’s important that you talk to her like a girl and not a hooker.

A submissive might enjoy being called a whore during sex. She might enjoy objectification and degradation. However, in my experience, the people who enjoy that stuff in the bedroom are twice as likely as a normal girl to demand respect outside the bedroom. As a general rule, you should just treat everyone with respect and pay attention to what they say.

Yes, a point will come when you will need to discuss what a potential partner is into. Perhaps at that time, it would be okay to say you would like to be spanked. However, you should be patient and wait until you know one another.

Oh, and one last thought, I understand if you don’t want to show your face in a profile picture. Maybe you’re a lawyer or in the military or a teacher. Maybe you don’t want to end up in the news. Fair enough. If you don’t want people to see your face, you could still have pictures of you turned away from the camera, or something that gives a general idea of what you look like. Just please don’t do a naked picture as your profile. Lots of guys do the neck-down nude as a profile picture their first time on fetlife. This is a big turn-off for most girls, even if you look really good naked. So please, keep your clothes on in your main profile picture.

Just a thought

Halloween is coming. I have always liked Halloween because I can walk out of my house looking like me, and no one will judge me. In fact, they usually say “Nice costume!”

Sometimes though, it does make me sad when I think of it. The only day I get to be myself is the day when everyone pretends to be someone else.

I guess maybe I’m glad. If I could walk around in a Dominatrix outfit, it would mean BDSM was mainstream enough for such things. I might like being a freak…

New Pet

Since I don’t have one of my own… here’s the dildo that goes with my strap-on.

He walks in, and sees me dressed in my Domme gear. I’m very imposing in my thigh-high boots and my mini-dress with a high neck. My police-style hat is cocked to the side, and I’m holding my favorite flogger in my hand.

Enthralled, he falls to his knees. I am gratified to see it; but I don’t show it. I simply stand there, letting him take his time getting into his sub space.

When I speak, it is a command.

“Stand, and take your clothes off my pet,” I say in a quiet, serious voice.

Of course, he complies. He stands, and is out of his clothes as fast as one would expect from a 21-year-old Navy boy. I look, and I am amazed all over again that I get to play with such pretty toys! His muscles ripple when he moves. His huge cock hangs between his legs, swollen already because he is near me. I run my hand across his six-pack abs and allow myself the smallest hint of a smile.

“Inside, and back on your knees, my pet.”

He walks in and falls onto his knees on the yoga mat I’ve laid out. He’s only come to my dungeon twice before, but he knows where to kneel. I slip his collar around his neck and close the buckles. It’s a tight fit, and his breath comes quickly for a moment, as he panics a little inside about his first time wearing his own collar. The generic one he wore before was loose on him, but this one was made for his neck. I decided after we spent our second weekend together that I should get him one of his own. I decided I wanted him to be mine, and now he is.

“This is your collar, pet. I had it made just for you. You are mine now. Do you understand?” I ask.

“Yes, Mistress,” he says obediently. His eyes are cast down at the floor but I see him sneak a peak at me. I do not let him see me smile.

“Are you pleased to belong to me, my pet?” I ask.

“Yes, Mistress. I am eager to serve you in every way you see fit,” he says quickly.

I take a moment to appreciate how fast the military boys respond. They have to be so quick with their “Yes, Sir” and “No, Sir” bullshit at work. I guess it’s easy to switch from that to calling someone Mistress. I enjoy the way he is so willing to give himself over completely, and how seriously he takes it. He is a good pet.

I get the blindfold I bought just for him. It’s adorable! It’s a sleeping mask with panda eyes on it, and it’s so cute that I know he’ll find it emasculating. I could care less what he thinks of it though, because it makes me happy to see him wearing it. I put it on him after letting him see it, and then I quietly set to work tying his hands together and then tying them to his ankles. The music overtakes us then. I love the sound of some good Industrial music at night when I’m playing with a pet. It always makes me swell with power.

Once my pet is tied up, I get down next to his ear and I whisper very quietly:

“Do you wish to make your Mistress happy?”

He takes a halting breath, still not used to the snug fit of his collar.

“Yes, I want nothing in the world more than I want to please you,” he says.

“That’s good,” i say, “because you’re going to lick my pussy now.”

“Yes Mistress,” he says.

I stand, and lift my dress just enough to expose my pussy. I shove it roughly in his face, and he starts to suck and lick me. I let myself slip down a little, to put pressure on his face. I know it’ll make it harder for him to breath, so he can feel like he’s being smothered. I look down and I can tell he’s loving it because his cock is rock-hard. I can not help but wonder how his body has enough blood for the rest of him when his cock is hard. It’s really, very big. A girl pet of mine called it “an unnatural work of art” and I have to agree with her. It really is.

I want to feel it inside me, but I resist, because I’m not going to let him fuck me yet. Instead I let him keep licking me until I cum all over his face, and then I go get my strap on.

When I force him down onto all fours, I think he suspects what is coming. I would gag him in case he screams and wakes the neighbors, but we haven’t worked out a non-verbal safe word yet and I don’t want to break scene to negotiate one. We talked in pre-scene negotiations about how he’d like to get fucked. He’s watched a lot of pegging porn. However, I don’t think he’s done it before and it might freak him out. Reality can be so much different from fantasy.

I rub lube onto it. It’s smaller than his own cock by a lot, but I guess that doesn’t mean anything since he can’t very well fuck himself. I giggle quietly at my own musings and hope he didn’t hear.

I come up behind him and I start to caress him. I touch his back, and his hips. I go up next to his ear.

“I’m going to fuck you now, my pet. If you scream, I shall punish you,” I whisper.

His whole body is so tense! I brush my hands along his soft flesh and I appreciate every bit of it. What a pretty pet I have!

I rub lube between his butt cheeks and slip my finger inside him to test his reaction. His back muscles ripple as he gets even more tense. He looks like an animal- ready to bolt at any moment. I imagine he might if he wasn’t tied up. He seems terrified. I smile. Fear smells so good.

When I slide inside he lets out a moan.

“Bad pet!” I say. “We talked about how you mustn’t make a sound. That was very naughty of you, and I shall whip you for it later. Right now though, I just want to fuck you.”

It’s going to be a long night. I imagine I won’t get much sleep. That’s okay though- because it’s going to be fun!

Kinky Punishment

Ancient Korean Flogging Punishment


So my brother came to visit from the USA and we headed to some historical sites and see some touristy things. In a Korean Folk Village, we came across this.

I feel like I could have a lot of fun in this room…


Just a room with a cross to tie someone to and various things to paddle someone with. Turns out spanking and paddling was a government punishment in Korea’s past. So kinky…

Little boy spanks his mommy


Movies you might like

It’s come to my attention that movies with BDSM themes can be helpful to those getting into the community. I jumped in feet first myself, with no idea what all what I was getting into. But, I agree that starting with some reading and movies is probably much better. So with that in mind, here are some movies you might like:

First, Walk All Over Me is actually pretty funny, though not all that realistic and a bit out of date by now (the whole VHS tape thing made me giggle!) Also I think I just giggle at Canadian movies in general.
Of course The Story of O is good too. I don’t think there is anything like the castle in the movie, but there are dungeons like the CSPC in Seattle where you can go and bond with other subs.

Everyone considers The Secretary a classic. I don’t think it’s the most healthy relationship ever, but then, the problem with movies is that they never seem to show BDSM relationships that are healthy and sane.

If you’re okay with subtitles, Sex and Zen is pretty good. It’s just a lot of reading. Still, it seems like BDSM Asia-style is pretty cool.

That’s just a few ideas to start you off. I should also compile a list of better books than 50 shades of Grey, which I promise to get on top of soon. Right now I’m swamped under the planing of a huge Halloween party and I have very little time to write.

Sex and the Beach!

Near Haeundae beach at a huge temple

I find this “weekly fun” section to be the least exciting part of my blog. I know it will get more interesting as I have more play partners that I am doing fun things with, but everyone goes through dry spells some times and this is one of mine. It’s not a lack of sex so much as a lack of sex you probably want to hear about.

So I went to Busan with a Physicist and we stared out at the waves and played in the sand, and we had a lot of mostly vanilla sex. He’s into a lot of sex machine kind of stuff and obviously most of us in the community do not pack toys for short vacations (I mean, sometimes for a special occasion, but not as a matter of form). So, it was mostly just vanilla fun.

I promise to have some more interesting sex later. It was actually a REALLY fun weekend and I adore the shit out of the good doctor, but I feel like this blog is not about describing the intimate details of my life, as much as it is about telling you helpful stuff. So that said, this weekend I didn’t do anything that would help you learn anything. I just had a really good time.

Cheers from the beach!