So Your Significant Other Is Into BDSM…

One of the most common questions that seems to come up in online forums related to BDSM is:

“Well, I’ve never thought about it and I am not into it, but my SO is into BDSM and I love them, so…”

I am not an expert at anything. I’ve just been in the scene for a really long time. It doesn’t make me a relationship guru and only you know what is right for you. But here is what I have noticed:

First, I am pretty sure this whole kink thing is The Way We Are. I have been fantasizing about pain since I was 5 years old, so I am pretty certain it’s just a personality trait, and I don’t think it will go away because someone else is not interested. I’m sorry, but I can’t change my hair color either.

Just understand that kink isn’t something that I think people typically choose. Maybe some people do- if they’re just bored with sex. However, I’ve been to a lot of play parties where we all started talking about how we got to be kinky, and all of us remember fantasizing about kinky things as kids.

So just take that into account.

However, let’s be honest: The kink community can come with a lot on nonsense in terms of dating. You meet people on or and they can be nice people- or they can be people with serious issues who act like their kink is the only acceptable kind and everyone else is sick. Sometimes we get tired of dating “in our scene.”

There are all sorts of ways a relationship can go when you meet someone in the community. For example  sometimes you meet someone that you only play scenes with and the dynamic is really good; and you don’t want to make it a relationship because it might alter the dynamic.

Also, as I mentioned before when I talked about how to hit on a girl- just because a guy is kinky- does not mean he has game. Some of the people you meet are awkward enough that it can turn you off to kink completely for awhile. I have met a lot of girls that felt that way.

Worse still- sometimes you’re stuck living somewhere that the scene is mostly dead. Imagine that there are only six other people that ever meet up and they are all in monogamous relationships, and it’s just you all alone with no one kinky to date. And even if one other person showed up, and if they were of your preferred gender, and if they had kinks similar to yours, you still might not like them as a person. Or, to put it another way, just because the only male a of species left on Earth meets the only female of a species left on Earth, does not mean they will fuck.

The point is- dating in the scene can be complicated. Maybe a person doesn’t always feel like they have that option. And so sometimes we date vanilla people- for whatever reason.

So then various forums end up flooded with vanilla people asking one of two questions. They either want to know about kink and maybe get into it, or they want to know if their SO can live without it.

If they want to know more about it, there are great books like S&M 101 by Jay Wisemen. There are people who do workshops like Midori. There are people who do how-to videos like Twisted Monk. And there is loads of places to read up online like the FAQ section of reddit’s BDSM community. Learning about kink is as simple as spending some time reading.

Note that I didn’t recommend watching porn. There is good stuff out there, like the stuff at That’s worth paying for- and I don’t often say that about porn. However, the majority of porn that is labeled BDSM is actually just porn, but with vinyl clothes. That’s not really going to help anyone learn about kink.

Anyway there are lots of resources. If you want to learn, it’s easy.

The other question is harder. What most vanilla people dating someone into BDSM really seem to want to know is- can they live without it. I have met too many people who were dating someone who often pushed them to get freaky and they just didn’t want to. They had no interest in whips, chains, spankings, or even a little light bondage. And they wanted me to tell them that their SO didn’t need those things.

Like I said at the start of this post- I am pretty sure I was born this way. I don’t think there was ever an option for me. I think I have always been tweeked a bit- and I don’t think I can change it any more than I can change my hair colour. That’s just me. Maybe your significant other is different. Maybe they can be happy with vanilla sex forever. Talk to them about it. And if they say they are sure they can quit kink cold turkey and never ask you for anything out of the ordinary, then maybe that is the case.

Only you know how your relationship is doing and how your dynamic is. Only you know what you can live with, and what you can live without. I think more than anything else, what’s needed in such situations is soul searching. Because if your SO is into BDSM and you’re sure that you’re not- then sometimes the relationship is probably not going to work out. Sorry to end on a down note; but it had to be said.

Worth Remembering

A really good memory


I got a request to write about some of the really good experiences I have had in the BDSM community over the years. There are a lot to choose from- of course. But it seems my favorites are the ones that I had with people just coming into the community.

I think I am somewhat indifferent to life. I don’t mean to be- and we don’t need to worry about why. However, life just kind of goes by for me, and I exist in it somewhat happily and without a lot of thought. The exception is when something make s a huge impression on someone I am with. That helps me make a memory.

So here is an example. This is a boy I played with a few years ago. He was new to the community and he hadn’t really gotten to know anyone yet. Some people who are like that are shy and hard to pull information out of. This boy was not, so I’ll call him Mr. Adventurous.

I brought up rope one week. He identified as a switch, and I told him that if he wanted to be a good Dom he should look into shibari. After all, rope play is a way to take a scene slowly, and show care and concern for your submissive while making something beautiful at the same time. It’s very elegant and sexy. I explained that to Mr. Adventurous.

The next week, he turned up with a ton of rope (see picture above) and showed me how he had learned several different types of knots and a few cool wrap methods like a basket weave. He had watched Youtube videos and practiced on himself! Yes, that’s right. I said he practiced on himself. He sat there all week fascinated with the idea of rope play, and tried various ties on his legs. How cool is that? He even researched online to find good places to buy rope for bondage and ordered some. (A good place for that, by the way, is Twisted Monk).

I have to admit, there’s nothing like a brilliant guy who can obsess over something until he gets it right. He was so excited to try rope play that it made me excited about it- and I usually don’t have the patience for such an elaborate and time-consuming craft.

I have brought a lot of people into the community over the years. Yes, that’s mostly because I like to p lay with younger men and women. I only feel as young as the person who polishes my boots, after all.  But of all the people I have ever introduced to the community, this man was the very best and most impressive. I have never met anyone more eager to learn and more excited to try new fun stuff.

So the moral of this story is: If you want to get into the community, remember to try to seek out new experiences.  Don’t wait for someone to explain every little thing to you! Do your own research and ask questions and give new things a try!  Life is way more fun when you go out and grab it, instead of waiting for it to come to you.

I am Thankful

Today I woke up next to one of my pets. He is 21 years old, has 6-pack abs, and a 10 inch cock.

It happens to be Thanksgiving Day, and so I thought I should give thanks.

I can not say how grateful I am for my wonderful pets. It is a privilege for me (and all Doms) to have awesome people submit to us. I am extremely grateful for the people who choose to submit to me and allow me to create fun experiences for them.

I am also grateful for all the people who encourage me every day. I’ve had kind of a rough life, but I have been very lucky to have many wonderful people who come together in my life to help me and to give me happiness and hope. To all of you in my life, thank you for being you!

Today was a good day, and every day is a good day because of the people in my life that make it awesome.


This would be fine at a club or maybe even at a park at night, but during the day in a park full of children, can’t we all admit it’s rude?

This post is one that has been welling up in my brain for awhile. I have been doing my best not to say anything, but sometimes I just can’t force myself to be silent on an issue. So here’s the thing- the internet is full of people with very little experience in the world of BDSM, but with really big mouths.

Sure, there are amazing people like Midori, who actually are helping to educate the world and make BDSM more palatable to the masses. I am thankful for people like that, and I never wrote anything before this blog because I always figured there were enough people like her out there, fighting for acceptance and teaching safe and fun ways to play.

However, there is a very dangerous group that is not helping, and they are mostly only online.

I want to stress that at munches and dungeons, I have only met sane people who do not speak of play without emphasizing safety and consent. I have been out and about all over the world, and all the people I have met have been wonderful and kind.

Yet on the internet, it seems people get stupid. The community of reddit has a forum devoted to BDSM, and don’t dare suggest there are logical limits to play in THAT forum! I can’t believe how much I have been chewed out for being the only sane person in a room of crazy.

Here is an example: The picture above shows a Dominatrix and her submissive out in a public park where children can walk around and be exposed to this blatant display of BDSM. I understand that a lot of people get off on throwing who they are in other’s faces. I know a lot of people are into exhibitionism and that is their kink. I respect all different kinds of people and their right to play.

However, when you play in public, you are exposing everyone around to your sexual fantasies. When the photographer who took this picture flipped out on me for saying it made the community look bad, I couldn’t believe how many people were ready to jump on the bandwagon and agree.

No one I have ever met at a dungeon would say such a thing. No one I have ever met at a dungeon would do such a thing. I assure you, as someone who has been in the kink scene for more than half my life, people hate us when we throw our lifestyle in their faces and no one who really cares about the community wants to breed hate for what we do.

I’d like it if we could all agree to keep BDSM in dungeons like the CSPC and in private homes. I’d like it if we could all agree that daytime, in a public park around children, it’s not cool to have your slave polish your boots.

Also, online there are a lot of people that talk about how totally okay and safe breath play and blood play and other such things are.

Now look; I’m not trying to tell you how to be kinky and I’m not trying to step on your toes. If you want to fuck a grandmother while sucking on your boyfriend’s toes and eating cheese- then do your thing (assuming everyone consents and is cool with it.) Seriously people- do your thing.

I remember when I was 16 and I saw my first hook suspension and I cringed. The skin stretched at least 14 inches off the guys’ back when he was lifted up and the blood that dripped down from the holes in his back looked so freaky… I was pretty horrified at first. But over time I started to think it was pretty cool and have seen several suspensions from groups like Life Suspended since then. A lot of kink can grow on you, like suspension did on me.

And some kink has never grown on me. Adult diapers and baby play is one example of stuff that, while I am not opposed to it, I wouldn’t seek out or watch porn of it.

However, I am never going to pretend that all kink is safe and okay. There is lots of stuff that I think should be discouraged. I don’t think we have to tell people that drinking blood from random people is okay. Yes, we’re supposed to be open and accepting. Yes, we’re a group of people on the outside of society and so we shouldn’t act exclusive and we shouldn’t judge people. That’s all very true. AND YET, some people do take things too far and it’s okay to say so. If those people are putting themselves in danger, or if they they are making the community look bad and making life harder for all of us, it’s okay for us to have a problem with that.

We should be kind to each other. We should do our best to remember that we are on the same side. And when someone is acting unreasonably or unsafe, we should be able to say so.

I see a lot of common sense and decency from people in person. Let’s not loose it in online groups, and let’s make sure to call out the trolls encouraging stupid things.

PS- Portfolio of photographer from above here:

Taking His Virginity

This is going to be fun…


He looks at me from across the table. He is like my pet- skinny but covered in that lean muscle I love so much. Guys like that are so much stronger than they look. His arms bulge in a distracting way when he moves, and he catches me checking him out. I am not discrete. My face clearly betrays my desire to rape him right there in the bar. The chemistry between us is electric and I know he can feel my desire.

He’s shy and smart, and he’d been chasing a young girl who had no interest in him. They cuddled a little because she felt bad for him. She is young and all she can see is his trouble talking to girls and his lack of aggressive behavior. She assumed that meant he didn’t want her. I know better. He’s a submissive. He wants to be taken. He has come to the right person.

In my head he is already at my house. He’s in the big, fluffy chair and his hands are bound behind his back. He’s blindfolded and he’s trembling the way my pet does when he first comes to my house. I find it sexy as hell that he shakes like an aspen leaf in the wind because he’s near me. It makes me feel sexy and powerful to be so scary to someone.

I whisper in his ear “It’s okay. I’m not going to hurt you. Maybe later- but not now. Now I just want to enjoy every inch of you.”

I run my hands along his young, soft skin. He shivers. I bite softly at his nipples and his neck. I breath in his ear. I reach down to touch his cock and find it hard like it’s made of stone; as only the really young, healthy boys get. I feel my own body responding as my pussy gets slippery wet.

I tell him “I am so wet right now, I am going to start dripping on my floor. I can’t tell you how much I want to climb on top of you and slide you inside of me. Would you like that?”

His body is so tense that all his muscles are tightened into chords and he looks like he could spring 10 feet in the air from all the built-up energy. He is a ball of hormones and sexual tension, and it’s a huge turn-on for me.

I think he tries to speak. His mouth moves but no sound comes out. He seems beyond being able to speak. But I can’t take it by force; not this time.

“I need you to ask me to fuck you.” I say sweetly. “I can’t do it the first time unless you ask. Just say you want me and you’ll have me.”

He is blindfolded, but he can tell where I am because of my voice. He turns to me and says in a trembling voice, “Please Mistress, I want you to fuck me.”

In seconds I am on him and he slides in easily because I really am dripping wet. He gasps when he feels himself go in. I linger there, not moving. I let him feel what it’s like to have a warm, wet pussy wrapped around his cock for the first time. Then, slowly, I start to move. He groans in pleasure.

I know he won’t last long. Who does, their first time? When I start to go faster, I can tell he’s building to orgasm, though he is too nervous to tell me. I move faster and faster and his entire body feels hard underneath me. His breathing is ragged and he’s clearly close.

“It’s okay to cum,” I whisper. “Cum inside me. I want you to fill me.”

That’s all he can handle. He cries out. Maybe it was meant to be words, but it only comes out as primal sounds. He cums hard, and when his body goes slack the look of peace and pleasure on his face is amazing. He looks like an angel, even with sweat dripping down from his hairline.

I untie his hands, and slip the blindfold off. I slide him out of me and go to the bathroom to clean up. When I come back, he’s sitting on the couch looking shy. Even as he looks shy though, he looks enchanted. I know that, for the rest of his life, he will compare every woman he sleeps with to me. I will always be his first, and he will never forget what has just happened. That makes me happy.

“Come upstairs,” I say say. “We can cuddle a little and sleep, or maybe do it again if you feel up to it.”

His eyes sparkle with happiness  The candlelight makes him look even more like an angel, and I take a moment to appreciate the perfect body of the man in front of me. He stands and goes up the stairs, and I am very happy to follow him.

This whole fantasy plays out in my head as we sit across from one another sipping our drinks on our first date.  I wish our mutual friend had not told me that he is a virgin. Now it’s all I can think about! A virgin from….

I sip my straight whiskey calmly and take in every detail of him. Yum!

A Personal Update

Just a statue of a guy eating a girl out. That’s how we roll in Asia.


It’s been a long time since I wrote a post about my weekly fun. There are a lot of reasons for that.

First, I feel like that is the least interesting part of this blog. The biggest reaction I have received has been from the erotica. I also get props for the tips and tricks. However, no one seems to want to hear about a Dominatrix’s personal life. I am quite okay with that. I think it’s boring too.

Second, my life got really busy all of a sudden and I didn’t know how to write about it. When I have a lot going on, it’s hard to clear my mind and think in a direct and businesslike way. I’ve got pets, long distance stuff, and it’s too much clutter to sort into good posts.

I might get back to doing weekly fun posts if anyone asks for them, or if I find myself with the time and inspiration. For now, I’ll stick to other things. Besides, it’s been suggested that I should try writing about memories of really good scenes I’ve done, so I’m going to try to think on that.

Anyway, thanks for reading! I really appreciated the feedback I get, and I hope to hear more in the future. This is turning out to be more fun than I expected.