I am sorry for this. I try to be upbeat, and this post is a little negative. Please forgive me.
Living abroad, I have met a lot of people from various kink communities all over the world. One common theme drives me mad:
Everyone has a different idea of what “the rules” are, and many of them think their way is the only way. I don’t know why- but folks always get really preachy about kink and it’s a little hard for me to take sometimes.
A good example of this is the whole “kink terms” concept.
In all small communities, you can find terms used by the folks in them to describe things. These terms tend to evolve within the small community. I hate when someone from Wisconsin (just as an example) tells someone from Paris that they don’t know shit because they’ve never heard the term “Plug Vibration.”
Look people; if your community used certain words to describe things- that’s cool. If those terms got picked up and used by lots of people- good for you. If you spread your ideas through the internet and lots of people now share them- that’s great.
However, that doesn’t give you the right to act like an elitist when someone else doesn’t know what you’re talking about.
I am a pretty quiet person when it comes to my kink. I don’t talk a lot about what I do, or how I do it. I follow the philosophy that everyone I meet can teach me something I don’t know, and so I prefer to listen.
When I do talk about my kink experiences, I try not to sound like an elitist. I mean hey- the dungeons I have been in were illegal for the most part. The fetish proms I’ve been to were full of more extreme elements than you usually see in kink anywhere. I am not going to talk like I know more than anyone else. I may know different things than they know- but that doesn’t make me better.
I give advice on this blog. To be fair though- I started this blog because I was asked to by some people who know me, and I was just trying to be helpful. I’ve only kept writing because it gets a lot of hits, so I like to delude myself into thinking maybe I am helping people a little sometimes. However, giving some advice doesn’t mean I think I am better than you. You can choose to take it or leave it. You can always do things your way instead of mine, because my way might not work for everyone.
I guess all I am trying to say is that I have a lot of trouble wrapping my head around the way folks in the community act sometimes. I mean, I’m flexible about how I do my scene negotiation, how I play scenes, and how I talk about it all. I don’t tend to use language that might make others feel excluded, and I don’t tend to ever lecture anyone on protocol. Do your thing, people. Whatever it is- I’m not going to judge.
I hate to get down on my community. I feel bad about writing this post. But at the same time- I wanted to call attention to this behaviour because I find it to be a real turn-off when trying to interact with fellow kinksters.
Also, I came from a scene with a lot of blood play and hook suspension. It was very extreme. Therefore I consider myself very conservative about kink, since I don’t often hang from meat hooks or drink blood.
But of course, kink is a lot like political affiliation. I mean, I’m from a red state where everyone is very conservative and they all carry guns. In my home state, I am branded as a radical liberal for my ideas. And compared to the folks around me, I am a radical liberal.
However, when I go up to the pacific northwest and meet the liberals there, I think they’re all way too touchy-feely and I find myself only about to hang with the conservatives.
So a radical liberal in my home state is a conservative in the northwest.
Same with kink.
I might have always thought of myself as very conservative about kink, but now I am finding people who are horrified by some of my ideas, and who think I am radical.
My point here is that it’s really all a matter of perspective. You might look at things one way. I might look at them another. That’s life. But I’m not going to judge you, nor will I treat you badly because we have different ideas. And, I feel like I deserve the same.
Tolerance should really come more easily to this community- so let’s keep that in mind.