Going Vanilla

We've almost all tried it...

We’ve almost all tried it…

Sometimes the scene can get a little uncomfortable where you are, right? Like, this one time when I was dating 3 guys who I assumed all knew that we were not exclusive (since it had never come up and I had never agreed to such a thing).

Meanwhile, they were working on the opposite assumption that not talking about it meant we were committed. So they “find out” about each other, and my stuff gets thrown off of a balcony. And I thought; well I’m not moving, but everyone in this scene is mad at me right now. So… maybe it’s time to date outside until things cool down and I can tell my side of the story.

I am not, by nature, given to monogamy (which eventually everyone agree is okay as long as the people I’m dating don’t ask for monogamy and I sneak around.) In time, my side was heard and everyone came around and decided the guys were assholes for how they planned out the whole throwing my shit into a parking lot thing.

However like I said, at first it was tense and I didn’t want to turn up at a fetish prom for awhile. That’s when I met a nice vanilla boy who took me shooting in the desert with his Mouser and his SKS, and told me that I was pretty. And I thought; eh, what the fuck? I’ll give it a try.

To this day, it was my only monogamous relationship, and my only vanilla relationship as well.

So what of it?

Well, often I see people asking; can kinky people be happy with vanilla people? And that is up to each person to decide for themselves. Me personally, it lasted for 2 years. We dated longer than that, but I only managed to be happy for two years. The rest of the time I just hated him.

It’s not like I didn’t try to open his mind a little. I took him to fetish proms and hung a whip by the bedside. But he was willfully ignorant of anything BDSM related, and when I tried to bring it up he always seemed to be busy or uninterested.

Now of course, there are always different variables at play. Every situations is unique and I can’t tell you what will happen to you. But for those that have asked if I ever had a vanilla relationship; yes I did. And no, it did not work out. I ended up being very unfair to him and picking fights over nothing because I was unsatisfied in bed. And he was good too. The sex was great and he always got me off before we got to the penetration part of the sex. If I were a vanilla girl, it would have been the best sex of my life. But I am me, so I got really bored.

It’s just my experience. And it’s in response to a faithful reader who asked. I’m not trying to tell you how it is, and your relationship may be different.

For me though; yes I tried it. I went vanilla. And no, I will not go back.

7 thoughts on “Going Vanilla

  1. I absolutely agree. I tried vanilla and wondered why I was so miserable until it finally dawned on my like a brick to my face. I could never do that again.

    • You know, I can not tell you how much I appreciate that you not only read my blog, but you comment. I wish more people did that…

      I like that I get e-mails and stuff, but there’s something very satisfying about actually seeing a comment on a post. It’s like; this person read it AND they cared enough to comment.

      It’s little things like this that keep me writing, even when I’m not really sure I have anything to say.

      Thank you.

  2. You are a fun and brave person…do take care – not everyone will respect you, and you should always make sure they do….thank you – you make me think there is hope for the world…

  3. Aww, now I feel compelled to comment, too.

    I’ve also had experiences with trying to go vanilla, but the desire for more never went away. And it had nothing to do with how I felt for the person. There were my feelings for them, and then there were the other feelings that built to the point of torment. That was how I learned that I can’t expect one person to be everything. I could be happy with a vanilla partner, so long as they are happy with the fact that they won’t be my only partner.

      • I’ve always found the kinky people who insist that they’re monogamous fascinating. When my girlfriend and I opened our relationship years ago we were part of a kinky poker group. We assumed that as we moved through the process of opening the relationship that’s where we found the most sympathy and advice. Most of the members of that poker night had multiple play partners, but primary relationships. While they were supportive they all insisted they were monogamous and could never be in an open relationship.

        When I argued that by taking part in play that often leads to sexual contact they had a nonmonogamous relationship by default they insisted that wasn’t the case due to the emotions involved. They didn’t love their play partners. I responded, sure, but that’s polyamory and being poly is only a branch of the nonmonogamy mothership.

        The wouldn’t accept it and I found it so very baffling. Still do. It was like they needed to hang onto that label of “monogamy” as a security blanket.

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