A Long Time Ago, in a Galaxy Far Far Away…

From the movie "The Craft," here's a 90's Goth girl, just like I was.

From the movie “The Craft,” here’s a 90’s Goth girl, just like I was.

I have been kinky for as long as I can remember. I recently got back in touch with a few old play partners, and it got me thinking about the years I spent messing around before I figured out who I was. There was a lot of years of blind experimentation and trial and error. I wish the internet had been around more when I was young! If I could have read the blogs of a Dominatrix or two it would have saved me so much time! Even if I could have just seen some of the porn from kink.com or something…

Anyway, I thought I’d do a timeline of some of the moments in my sexual history that were significant.

1986: I am five years old and I figure out how to masturbate. Best. Discovery. Ever. BUT I don’t know anything about sex  yet, so I do it thinking about pain. I don’t know why. Maybe I was always kinky, or maybe I became kinky because of this. No idea. I just remember touching myself before kindergarten and thinking about being hit. (Later I totally had sexy fantasies about being assimilated by The Borg, but I think I’m the only one.)

1993: I have sex with my first girl, and I love it. She is sweet and blonde and she is the classic good girl. I am already smoking pot and wearing black and I am her dirty little secret. We are too young to have sex toys, but we do some pretty kinky stuff with actual toys. (It’s so much harder to figure out how to do it when you start with same-sex experiments at a young age!)

1997: I am 16 years old and dating a 27-year-old we’ll call Mr. Creepy. He had a thing for tying up underage girls and then using all kinds of weird tools on them. I was homeless and he let me stay with him, but he was terrifying and I still don’t want to talk about the shit he did to me. I made peace with him many years later, writing letters to him in prison. It helped me to deal with what happened. But it’s just not stuff I like to talk about.

1999: I am introduced to Madam Tracy’s House of Pain by a friend at college. I signed an agreement, so I don’t really talk about it. But, it was enlightening.

2000: I am 19 and the boy I am with likes it when I keep my nails filed into points, so I can tear the skin from his back in chunks while we fuck. After we are done, I carefully clean each wound with rubbing alcohol while he writhes in pain, and then I bandage them. I think the aftercare was his favorite part. While I was a little put-off when he first asked me to do this to him, it got to seem sexy after awhile to inflict pain like that.

2001: I am 20 years old and dating Mr. Charming. He is a beautiful Goth boy with Romance Novel hair falling in perfect ringlet curls, who tells me I am pretty and tries to wake me up inside. We use his martial arts belts to tie each other up and we play with the idea of pain. He loves to be cut, and hit, and he likes to hold me down when we have sex, while I struggle. I guess this is my first role play partner outside of a dungeon and I like it.

2002: I am 21 and I just don’t give a fuck. I am dating too many people to keep track of, getting my stuff thrown off of balconies, and trying all the things. I am totally known as the girl who will do ass-to-mouth and who slurps cum like a porn star.

From when I learned to masturbate to when I was 21 years old, I was really just experimenting with everything. Those were the years when I had no idea what I was doing and I was just playing around and trying to figure out who I was and what I liked. It was much harder back then, because computers were really expensive and I was really poor, and the internet didn’t have as much easy-to-access information on kink. Even when I COULD get someone to let me use it for a few minutes, I could never find what I was looking for.

I had no online community to ask questions of, and the actual community was hard to find and full of secretive people who acted like the sex they had was SUCH a big deal. I remember one APEX meeting  when I was really little where I gave up and walked out because everyone seemed too pretentious to my young self and I just couldn’t stand it anymore. If you weren’t IN the community yet and you wanted to get into it, they made it hard and they acted exclusionary.

I think young people today don’t realize how much harder it was 15 years ago to get into the kink community. We were in the shadows then, and none of us could have dreamed of a novel (even a shitty one like 50 Shades of Grey) being popular in the main stream. Now, with books like S&M 101 and communities like the one on reddit to use as resources, it’s so easy to learn all the things that I had to come by the hard way!

As I approach another birthday in my 30’s, I want to take a moment to think about how grateful I am that the world has changed, and how much I hope it keeps moving in the right direction. Tolerance has never been more common, and I hope it will just continue to improve!

You’re Pretty; Deal With It!

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I have slept with several women lately, and talked to many more. I know I have said before that I am kind of a guy, but this fact is never more apparent to me then when I spend a lot of time around women.

For a minute, allow me to speak as the guy I am, and also to use a few generalizations.

Ladies; for the most part, guys don’t see your flaws. I know you think we can see that zit under your make-up or the stretch marks on your thighs, but we really kind of tune that stuff out. We’re not looking at you the way YOU look at you, seeing every imperfection. If you’re a little chubby, we appreciate having something to grab on to. If you’re really skinny, we’ll appreciate your ribs. And for the love of all the gods please believe me when I say; your boobs are perfect, because they are boobs and you let us touch them. We don’t care what size your nipples are. We don’t care if you think they are too big or too small or whatever. I slept with a girl with a third nipple and it didn’t freak me out in the slightest.

Before you argue with me, please take into account something my friend always says: “Sex it’s like pizza. Even if it’s bad, it’s still pretty good.”

I think a lot of times you forget to look at it from a guys’ point of view, so let me help you with that. Guys are the ones who are supposed to do ALL the work in society’s mind. This may be changing. This may become more even with time. I’m not saying it SHOULD be the way it is. I’m just saying, lots of girls won’t walk up and talk to a guy. They expect the guy to ask for their number. And lots of girls expect guys to pay for dates. I’m in Korea right now, where it is customary for a man to take his girlfriend shopping and buy her expensive gifts. And the narrative in society tells us that we do these things for sex.

Now wait! Don’t scream about how all guys want is sex and you’re sick of it. I didn’t say that IS all guys want. I said the narrative in society tells a man he must ask for your number, pay for dates, and initiate sex because it is his job. I am not saying this is true or right. I’m just saying it’s what men are programmed by the world to think, and even people who overcome their programming can still hear the echoes of it in the back of their mind.

So if you’ll just accept that men bear the burden of asking for your number and taking you places, then maybe you can start to see how much more stressful dating is for a man. Even if you try to break this programming and split a check once in awhile, there is always going to be the one girl that calls you cheap for it.

I recently took a girl out. I have no job. I am broke as a joke. And she didn’t ASK me to pay for the meal. But I felt like I had to and so I did. It’s just in my head that I am meant to do that, and I don’t care how stupid it is. I’m the Domme. I’m the alpha. It’s my job to take care of the women I date. I can’t get this out of my head, no matter how modern I am.

Now the other thing is that, after all the dating and such, it eventually comes down to sex. Women do not often initiate sex. They’re pretty shy and worried about if the guy really likes them or not and all this stuff, so they tend to wait and follow the lead of the man.

So put yourself in a man’s shoes. Imagine how many times he’s asked for a phone number and been told to fuck off. Imagine how many dates he’s paid for and how many ideas for dates he’s had to come up with. And of course, don’t forget that there is that pressure to always be horny and want sex, while women are always supposed to be shy and act like they don’t want it. Girls do not often admit to being sexual beings, because society has taught them that is they do, they will be shamed as a slut.

So get through all that garbage to the moment that you finally see a girl naked. You WORKED for that. You took chances for that and you struggled to get to this moment. And trust me, it doesn’t matter if her nipples are big or small or fucking inverted for all I care; you’re excited to see them and touch them! It doesn’t matter if her labia are big or small or if her clit is in a weird spot. It doesn’t matter if she’s skinny or chubby or has birth marks.

Ladies; you are beautiful! And according to the social dialogue that everyone is taught; you are a prize to be struggle and fought for. We will kiss every inch of your soft skin and lick you all over and be excited as hell that you let us do stuff to you, and we will not be critical of your body like you are. I promise.

I know I’ll catch shit for this. I know there will be arguments that not all guys are like that or not all girls are like that. And I do know that this isn’t 100% accurate every time.

Just realize that when you see a girl walking down the street and you think “She shouldn’t wear short shorts with an ass like that” or “Why would she wear that shirt with those shoes” that your internal dialogue is very different from that of a man. While you measure yourself up against her and criticize her hair, her makeup, and her clothes, realize that picking apart those things is NOT something men do.

In the same situation, here is what a guy is probably thinking: “I’d hit that.”

And that’s all there is to that.

I’ll say it every day if I have to. You are beautiful. All of you. Your boobs are great. Your pussy is awesome. Your hair smells nice and your clothes are pretty. If you really want to know what a guy is thinking when you think you look fat or greasy or sweaty or gross; he’s probably thinking that you’re hot. Deal with it.

And because it seems to fit here, an old favorite: (Because honestly girls: Doesn’t matter; had sex!)