Yes of course I get jealous!

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I am currently in a lot of relationships.

I love all of my relationships, even the ones that are sort of paused at the moment due to distance. But I don’t think love requires sexual fidelity.

First, let’s talk about what a monogamous couple calls cheating. This can be simple: No sex acts with someone else. However, my daughter-in-law says it’s also looking at other women, or at porn. I had a friend whose girlfriend thought masturbating was cheating. Yikes!

Let’s say for the sake of argument that porn isn’t “cheating” per se. Let’s call it a grey area, along with looking at other women. We’ll say actual “cheating” in a monogamous relationship is just about committing sex acts with someone else.

(I think this also raises other problems. Falling in love without sex seems like it should fall under the category of “cheating” too; but is it? Some say yes and some say no.)

Either way, I hope we can all agree that choosing only one partner seems terribly unfair to people who are bi.

For examples, some girls are bi and wouldn't be happy without one of each!!

For examples, some girls are bi and wouldn’t be happy without one of each!!

I happen to like girls and boys. What if I want one of each? To be a happy monogamous person, I must choose one gender ONLY and stick with it? That sounds awful!

I hate how there is an ideal version of “love” in people’s eyes. Go ahead. Google image search something simple like “couples in love” and notice that at least the first page of pictures is all one man and one woman together. Why do we feel the need to define love in this way? It makes me as mad as the first time I did a Google image search for “happy families” and realized that every picture on the first page was of white people.

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But let me be clear; being poly doesn’t mean I don’t get jealous. I’m human, and I do get jealous. It’s how humans are. I just think relationships can be more complex than the urge to scream “He’s mine bitch, get away!”

Jealous is a small part of what I feel when a lover of mine has sex with someone else. But there are other feelings there, and they are stronger. For example, at Club Desire when I am watching Pet have sex, I forget all about jealousy and it doesn’t even enter my mind. I’m too busy being proud of how sexy he is and how many girls want to play with him. I like to call him “My little slut” because he really IS a slut, even if most of the people he’s dated never knew that. (No, you shouldn’t keep secrets and I have told Pet that he is bad for sometimes lying to a girl about her being “the only one.”)

The point is; I am often too busy being amused or aroused to think about jealousy. And when I am geographically separated, I am too busy being grateful that someone I love doesn’t feel alone and sad.

I guess the answer to the questions I have received about jealousy is this: Yes, I get jealous because I am a human being. But there are other feelings that are stronger because I am not a monkey. I’m sorry if that sounds rude, but one of my favorite Youtube videographers put it best: (And I promise if you get to the end of this video you won’t regret it.)

A Very Personal Update

Passport, and money!

Passport, and money!

I might be writing this more for myself than for you. My thoughts are less ordered than they usually are, due to a lot of major life-changes that happened all at once. I need to straighten out my head.

First, I live in Portland Oregon now. It is a wonderful city and I really enjoy it. It also gives e a chance to be near someone I have been dating for more than 10 years, and I am really enjoying that. He’ll hate me for this- but I’m going to refer to him as “Mr. Pretty” because of a nickname from when we were much younger people.

He and I didn’t start out kinky. At first, it was just a very passionate relationship between two people who had everything in common, while having none of the same characteristics. We grew up in small towns only a few miles apart. We both moved to the same desert and lived through our teen years there. We always ran in the same circles, and we even got matching tattoos at one point. Of course, we are nothing alike in terms of personality. He’s shy, socially awkward, and more capable with machines than with relationships. I’m out-going, popular, and great at relationships.

We have loved each other our whole adult lives, and adding kink to things only made it more exciting. Having him close to me makes everything better, because moving to a new place and a new part of the country is a huge change. It is smoothed over a lot by having someone here to cuddle up to and love.

From a trip Mr. Pretty and I took for my birthday.

From a trip Mr. Pretty and I took for my birthday.

Second, I had to move away from my very favorite Pet. He and I are two of a kind with the same views on monogamy, sex in general, relationships, and everything else. We have a really great bond, in terms of things we have in common and basically the same personality (with a few tweaks here and there.)

I was very excited to spend 6 weeks in South Korea with him this summer, visiting Club Desire and going to Fetish Play Parties with our friends. I wish I could have stayed, but circumstances won’t allow us to even think about living together for another year. And that’s okay. He’s in my chat window every day, and I know that some connections are too deep to be broken by time and space. I look forward to our future adventures.

Love lanterns in Korea

Love lanterns in Korea

Third, I am living with the family of someone I dated 2 years ago when I was in Korea, and who I wrote about previously as Mr. Bond. Being here, in his old room, I think of him every day when I wake up and every night when I fall asleep. Our relationship wasn’t that long, and it was ages ago, But… some things really haunt you.

Our first date was more than a day long. We met at a bar, in a nice public setting. We talked for hours before moving to a quieter and move private hookah lounge, and then eventually to my house. Most of my first dates don’t end at my place-but the really good ones do!

I’ll never forget that feeling of instant connection and instant emotion. I’ll never forget how happy I was, or how devastated I was when he moved to Georgia right after my birthday two years ago. For letting me borrow his family, and for being such an intense moment in my life, I will forever be grateful to Mr. Bond. I think I’ll always be in love with him.

At the family's beach house in Seaside. I love living with them.

At the family’s beach house in Seaside. I love living with them.

And then there’s my ex. All of the boys above are people I wouldn’t describe as “exes” because I am still in love with them and we never broke up or fought. But my ex and I are a whole other kettle of fish. We broke up, and I slunk away to Asia with my tail between my legs. It really messed my world up for a little bit.

So he asks if we can go to dinner when I move back to the United States. And dinner turns into hanging out, which turns into a road trip up the entire West Coast. And it turns out he’s changed about as much as a person can. I will respect his privacy, but I must say that the whole “people don’t change” thing is bullshit. Some people change into a COMPLETELY different person, and Mr. Ex did that.

It used to be that I hung out with him because I got to hear about the latest in Science and Engineering from him and the other guys working at his lab. I am a science geek to the extreme and being around so many smart people was blissful. But Mr. Ex was an uptight person with about a million personal hangups. And now he’s a great guy. Some changes were big enough that I know we’ll never date again, but I think I made a friend this summer that I will have for the rest of my life, and I am happy about that.

There is nothing in the whole world like an American Road Trip...

There is nothing in the whole world like an American Road Trip…

Then of course, there were the girls. I got to see my Pretty Little Princess, to fuck several girls at Club Desire, and to have sex with a very sweet girl we’ll call Darling Nicky. I enjoyed the hell out of all the women who let me play with them this summer, but it did inspire me to write about how women are too self-conscious. I stand by that. Maybe my wording wasn’t perfect or I rambled too much in that post. But the point remains: women needs to learn not to seek validation in being skinny or having the perfect body. Sure, those things are nice, but it’s not all that matters.

Random amusing things I saw this summer...

Random amusing things I saw this summer…

So now I am settling in to a new life and a new job that will last at least a year. I am back in the Untied States for the time being, and I am enjoying speaking my native language and learning some new stuff.

This summer was too intense to really sum up in a single post. I should give shouts out to my brother in Korea and to all the people who helped me along the way with places to stay, company, and great parties. I added a few new stamps to my passport, tore apart the drive train on a car, and really just did a crazy amount of cool things that I may never get around to writing about. But the things I really want you all to take away from this is: Thank you! To all of you who love me and help make my life the awesome adventure that it is, I am so much more grateful than you will ever know. You guys make my life so wonderful, and I hope you all know how much I care.

Peace and love to you all.

Peace and love to you all.

Directions to Seoul’s Best Secret; “Club Desire”

flickr photo by said&done - http://www.flickr.com/photos/faraz27989/388890852/

I haven’t been writing much about my weekly adventures, because I spent my summer traveling and I’m still getting settled in my new home. I have been SO BUSY!

However, my summer was really wild and I’ll give you one detail for now. The best part of it was getting to visit Club Desire in Seoul, South Korea one more time with my favorite pet. I realize I’ve never given very detailed information before (since I was always writing about the sex). So, now to tell you how to get there yourself:

Club Desire is located in Gangnam, which is a fancy neighborhood that is sort of like the Beverly Hills of Seoul. I’m sure you’ve heard of Gangnam because Psy made it famous with a song he wrote to make fun of the style-over-substance culture there. (If you think you’re sick of that song and you’re living in the USA, I promise you, you have no idea how much worse it was living in Korea when it came out.)

Anyway, to get to Club Desire, first, you have to make a reservation before you go. If you don’t get someone who speaks English the first time, try again later or have a Korean-speaking friend call for you.  The number is 010-2473-8433. You can visit their website if you speak Korean, but if you are a foreigner I’m afraid it’s not much help.

A business card from the club

A business card from the club

To get there, you take the line 7 subway to the Gangnam-Gu office stop. Go out exit 3. Walk straight out of the subway, and turn right at the first road. You will walk a bit up a hill, then go left at the first road. Then you’ll be walking downhill. On the right side of the road, look for a small sign that says “Bar S Live.” It looks a little like the entrance to an apartment building, and the area is a tiny bit sketchy. Up a few stairs, you’ll see a pad with a button to push; like an old-school apartment buzzer.

Push the button and say the name that you gave when you made your reservation. They will buzz you in. Then you’ll walk down into a basement. Go down to the bar, and pay to get a drink set. The prices are listed by 10,000, as per Koreans way of writing prices. This means that if you order a Jack Daniels set for “16,” you will pay 160,000 Korean Won.

After you pay for your drink set, you will be given a key and asked to put everything in a locker. You can keep condoms, lube, sex toys, and cigarettes with you. You can also keep some money or your whole wallet if you really think it’s necessary. I find it’s best to stuff as much of your clothes and belongings in the locker as you can, so none of it gets in your way while you’re having sex. Things get knocked over, glass gets broken, and it’s best to keep personal belongs out of harm’s way.

Of course, the main reason they want everything in a locker is to keep you from having any cameras or recording devices while you are there. Famous people visit this club, as do well-respected pillars of the community. No one wants their face to end up on a sex tape. If you’re really worried you can wear one of the masks hanging by the entrance to make it harder to recognize your face. But in my experience, Koreans are very respectful of rules, and of privacy.

Things to remember: It’s encouraged that you ask the bartender to talk to a couple before trying to swing with them. And it is all couples, so bring a partner. Sometimes they have wrist bands of different colors to indicate different preferences. If you’re unsure of any of the rules, ask the bar tender. If you do switch, what out! Many of the Koreans there have not seemed to think condoms were important. I would urge you all to remember that they really, really are. And of course, try to be polite because if you are a foreign person there, you are representing all of us, so don’t be an asshole!

Pet and I had a great time. We encounter three girls who squirted, were poured champagne by strangers, and all sorts of other cool stuff. I may write about it when I have a moment to really immerse myself in the memory. For now, I thought I’d make this an educational post for those who hope to visit a Korean sex club.

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Speaking and Workshops

So many toys to play with!

So many toys to play with!

I was recently asked if I do workshops and lectures. In fact, I have and I do.

Usually, it’s for groups of people that I know or that I meet on Felife or at an event. However, if someone DID wish to contact me through my blog, I suppose I should tell you that I have an e-mail that you can use. It’s: ladyvioletemail@gmail.com

I would give out a phone number, but the internet has some strange kids on it sometimes, so I think it’s best if I leave it at an e-mail for now.

Taking a pet for a walk.

Taking a pet for a walk.

In my experience, a good workshop is about 10 people. I’ve done them on all kinds of topics from scene negotiation to flogging lessons to pegging.

Yes, I make handouts. Yes, I bring my own toys.

So let me know if you have questions, or if you are interested. Fees can be discussed along with what you’re hoping to learn. However please note: I do this in private homes. I will not do it on a stage for a large venue. I have done enough of that, and it’s frustrating because no one can talk or ask questions. It crosses the line from workshop to performance art, and I am not a performance artist.

If you’re not sure if what you’re looking for would be okay or not, just ask.

Sensation play!

Sensation play!

Flogging Tips

flogger

Not too long ago I found myself in a room with a girl and a boy who wanted to play BDSM. I suggested starting with a flogger because it is a good beginner toy (they are pretty soft and don’t do a lot of damage for the most part.)

I should have given instructions to the girl before I handed her my flogger, but I guess I forget that using a flogger isn’t an automatic motion for some people.

The trick is to figure out how to move only your wrist, so as not to wear yourself out. It’s a simple figure-eight motion, and it doesn’t take a whole body worth of force (though later after you have warmed someone up, maybe you want to throw your whole body into something.)

You start out with soft, even strokes on one side and then the other, in a rhythm. Little by little, you build up how much force you use. So, as you swing the flogger and connect, each time is just a big harder than the last.

You shouldn’t grab the ends and snap a flogger at first. You can build up to that if your sub has agreed to something like that. But most subs who like floggers have told me that they like them because it’s more about sensation than about pain. If you snap them, then it hurts much more. Also, if you do it with the right kind of flogger, you can break skin.

I am not saying it’s always bad to break skin, by the way. Some people like that. However, the amount of people who like it is very small, and therefore it’s not something that you want to do without talking about it in detail with your sub first. Remember to cover such things in scene negotiation before you play!

For me personally, I will not break skin or leave marks without making sure I have a signed consent form. I may have broken this rule with one of two relationships I have had with men, but I never break it with women because some accusations can ruin your life.

Anyway the point is; this girl I was with just started flailing the flogger around wildly, with no control at all. She missed the guy entirely once or twice and hit the walls instead. Then, in an attempt to control the flogger, she started grabbing the ends of the tails to snap it. That, of course, resulted in an angry submissive who wasn’t okay with such intense pain; particularly when it came with no warm up at all.

I took the flogger from her and tried to show her what she was doing wrong, but maybe that is something best practiced in private on a pillow, before trying to hit a real person. I learned to handle a flogger so long ago that I honestly can’t remember if I started on a person or not. I would guess not though, since I know my first encounter with a flogger was at Madam Tracy’s, and I assume she would have had me practice the figure-eight motion before there was a submissive in the room.

The point is; always talk first with the person who plans to get hit about what their expectations are. If they say that they do not know, it is best to give them a simple system of green-for-go, yellow-for-uncomfortable, and red-for-stop. Then start with a figure-eight motion and hit them softly, allowing the sensation of the flogger to be all that they feel. Slowly build to hitting harder and harder, so that it will start to sting over time. Vary where you hit, so as not to just attack one spot over and over. And of course, don’t snap it unless you know they are okay with possible permanent damage to their skin.

Note: Some people like to use two floggers at once. It’s the same idea; just with two hands. This requires more space, and I would suggest mastering the art of a single flogger before you try to duel-wield

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