Portland Kink Event

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Recently I went to a Portland kink event called R.A.C.K.

I parked on a street nearby and it was a bit of a walk to the bar where the event was being held. Normally in such a circumstance, I would bring a bag and change at the club. One does not walk down the street in most cities in thigh-high vinyl boots, after all.

However, I had been promised that Portland was different. I had been promised that Portland was weird. So, I walked to the event dressed in thigh-high vinyl boots, a vinyl mini-skirt, and a top I had custom made while I was in Thailand. To the credit of all Portlandians, no one gave me a sideways glance. I was impressed.

Keep in mind, the Pacific Northwest is a unique place where freaks and geeks and all the weirdos of the night are welcome. I honestly had trouble telling it was Halloween, since it just looked like any old day in Portland.

To many, this will sound strange. Certainly my time in LA was dominated by preppy kids giving me dirty looks, and in Texas a man refused to sell me gas once based on my clothes. A cop in Scottsdale, Arizona once took my keys and my license plate on trumped up charges (which were dismissed in court) just to teach me a lesson for being “some kind of fucked up freak.” In Seoul, Korea one does not walk around in vinyl, even if it is Halloween. And freaky as Bangkok is supposed to be, they’re just not kinky there. I even went to what was supposed to be a very edgy show in Paris, which was quite tame and vanilla.

My point is, nowhere I have ever been can a person walk down the street dressed as a Dominatrix and not merit some kind of reaction.

Whatever else I have to say about Portland, I love them for being the sort of people that just don’t give a fuck what you think looks cool or what you do for fun.

I went to the event and found it was at a bar that was not closed to the public. Normal patrons mixed with (and seemed totally unaffected by) a large group of people who set up a St. Andrew’s cross, a table, and a violet wand. Spankings, whippings, and electrocutions commenced without an eyelid batted by the non-kink folks in the bar. And also, nudity seems legal here because no one batted at eye at that either.

My companion for the evening was casually unimpressed and informed me that Deccon X (and event on the last Sunday of the month here) is much better. At some point, I will have to find out. In the meantime, I was impressed and amused by the community here, and how little anyone cares that they do things in public.

Honestly, the lack of taboo makes it ever so slightly less erotic than it was before, but I’ll be damned if it didn’t feel good to walk with my head held high and not have anyone harass me just for being me.

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Secretly, I’m A Switch

The beautiful Betty Paige as both a sub and Domme.

The beautiful Betty Paige

I am a switch. That means that I can be both a Dominant and a Submissive. Now, every switch is different in how it works for them, but I am just going to describe how it is for me.

Mostly, I am the Dominant one. I worked as a Dominatrix for several years and in general, I am just given to being the more aggressive person in a relationship. I have dated a lot of people, and had sex with a lot more. In almost all of those relationships I have been the Dominant party. It is what comes most naturally to me.

However, sometimes I meet someone that I can switch with. It has only happened 3 times in my life, but it does happen. I’ll find someone I trust, and who I am comfortable with. And I can be submissive with them.

There are lots of different types on Subs and Doms out there. My good friend Hexavier is a Sadist. That means that he likes to hurt people. It also means he matches up best with girls who really like pain. Not all submissives do, but the ones that do fit well with him because he likes to hurt them and hear them scream.

This doesn’t match at all with me. As a sub, I am more into the psychological aspect. Restraints and fear and all that can be fun, but I don’t actually like pain. Sure, a flogging is nice. But really painful stuff just isn’t fun for me. I like the kind of Top who has fun making a girl squirm in pleasure; not in pain.

Some look at pain as a necessary aspect of BDSM. And perhaps a little pain here and there is necessary. But it’s not like all Doms take pleasure in causing others pain. For me; I enjoy setting up a scene and playing it out when I know it’s something my submissive will like, and I know they will have a good time. For example, on my favorite Pet’s birthday last year I set up a threesome with myself and an Asian girl. That was something he always wanted, and it was fun to make it happen. However, when a sub of mine genuinely does enjoy pain, then I enjoy inflicting it. A former pet loved to be beaten, and so I would hit her as hard as I could for an hour at a time. You see; when I set up a scene, it’s not about me.

I could throw a lot of terms and labels at you for all of this. But I guess since this blog is more meant to be for amateurs than scene kids, I won’t. The point is that a switch can play either part in a scene, and though I can rarely find a worthy Dom, I am secretly a switch.

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Sex Tips

I don't care who you are, you can make a girl happy if you try

I don’t care who you are, you can make a girl happy if you try

A good friend of mine is going through a bad break up, and he thinks he’ll never find another girl that likes him again. This and a few other things have got me thinking, and it has come to my attention that a few of the nerdy folks out there need some basic tips. I should clarify that I don’t know everything, and all I can do is offer suggestions. With that in mind, this one is for the geeks.

First, size matters. I don’t care what any woman has told you when she was trying to be nice. It matters. So what can you do if you have a small penis? Don’t loose hope! There are options. They do make strap-ons which allow you to do double penetration. So you can fuck your girl in the ass, while also using a strap-on in her vagina. You can also use dildos by themselves, if she doesn’t like anal play.

You should know though, as one of my favorite books called Bonk by Mary Roach points out, that penetration alone will not get most women off. You may have a had a girl tell you that she got off while you were having sex, because she didn’t want to hurt your feelings. Guys can be very sensitive, and girls can react to that with a little well-intentioned dishonesty.

Why is this? Well, girls get off from stimulation of the clitoris. The placement varies from woman to woman, but often it is not close enough to the vagina to get stimulation from penetration. This means you need to play with a girl’s clit. Some girls use vibrators, and because of this, the exposed portion of the clit is not that sensitive any more. This means two things: One, you can be a little more rough with it when you lick her. And two: she might have trouble getting off without a vibrator, so you may want to use one on her. The most popular would be the magic wand, but there are many options. I have often mentioned that my first Doctor Xtreme makes some pretty neat toys, so you might want to check those out.

This is a magic wand, and on many women is does in fact work magic

This is a magic wand, and on many women is does in fact work magic

Now for me personally and for other girls I know, vibration doesn’t work. What this means is that for me, I have a very sensitive clitoris and I need people to be very careful with it. Yes, I am into BDSM. Yes, I do like pain. But the tiny exposed portion of the clit has more nerve endings in it than an entire penis, and I do not want anyone to be rough with it. In my experience, most women, (myself included) like a soft but fast up and down motion with the tongue. No fingers unless they are wet, because dry fingers chafe like a motherfucker.

Now, some of the geeky and awkward guys I know tell me that they are unattractive. They say women won’t even talk to them. First, you need to have confidence. Know that you can please them, and that you can make them happy. My tattoo artist and I dated for over a year, in spite of his broken teeth, weight problem, and general lack of classically attractive characteristics. And it’s not just me! He dated lots of beautiful girls, including several very smart and attractive strippers. He was able to do this because he was confident, and he could make them happy. Foot rubs, back massages, and a gift for oral sex made him one of my favorite boyfriends of all time. I always got off at least once with him, and I usually got all the knots worked out of my back and my feet too. Never underestimate the power you have over a girl if you can please her.

What if you’re new to kink? Well that’s okay too. It’s not that hard, and I’ve written posts on scene negotiation, setting up a scene, and ideas for play. There are also a host of helpful online forums.

Basically remember that some girls are kinky and like pain. They want to be beat hard. Some girls are kinky and don’t like pain, so go for more sensual flogging and restraints. There are lots of checklists available online to help you find out what kind of kink your partner is into.

The main thing is; remember that you don’t have to look like a guy off the cover of a romance novel and have a huge cock to make a girl happy. All you have to do is figure out how to make her scream. If you can do that, you can find yourself someone who will be thrilled to have you around.

Don’t sell yourself short and don’t assume no one is interested. Some people, (myself included) are into odd things. I have a fetish for scientists and engineers myself.

D&D game in "Freaks and Geeks"

D&D game in “Freaks and Geeks”

Steve Haworth, and Upgrading Your Body

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I keep meaning to write about Steve Haworth, and now I am finally getting around to it. There is lots of cool stuff in the Arizona kink scene, and body modification is very popular. I’ve seen all kinds of cool implants, from horns to crosses under the skin. Steve has done lots of cool stuff.

However, possibly the coolest thing Steve has ever come up with is magnets under the skin of a person’s finger tips. You might be thinking, “what is the point of that?” Well it goes way beyond party tricks like picking up a paperclip with the magnet.

What makes these magnetic implants so cool is that they allow you to sense magnetic fields. That’s right; you can tell when a magnetic field is present because the magnet in your finger tip reacts to it. Who wouldn’t want a whole new sense that they didn’t have before?

Magnets being put in.

Magnets being put in.

But it gets cooler than that. Way cooler. Because people who have the magnets in report that after their brains adapt to the new sensory information, they can actually SEE magnetic fields. Their brains interpret the information and process it with a visual manifestation. Now that is amazing.

You only need a single magnet to get the effect, and it can be placed in the tip of your pinky finger in your off hand so it won’t get in the way of your daily life. It has recently been discovered that they do not effect MRI scans because they are too small, and they do not set off metal detectors. So basically, there is no downside and you get to gain a whole new sense that your brain didn’t have before!

Now, you may love body modification, and you may hate it. Not everyone in the kink scene thinks it’s that great. But even if you’re not one to get horns implanted into your head, you have to admit, a little magnet that allows you to see the world in a new way is a pretty cool invention. So check Steve out if you happen to be somewhere he is on tour, or if you happen to visit Arizona. It’s worth a closer look!

This is just one example of the various other cool types of mods you can get for your body, though the magnets are still the coolest in my opinion.

This is just one example of the various other cool types of mods you can get for your body, though the magnets are still the coolest in my opinion.

24/7 Play

A rather cute couple

A rather cute couple

I recently got asked about the difference between 24/7 play and “only in the bedroom” play. So, thought I’d write a quick post about it.

First, I should mention that most of the couples I know fall somewhere in the middle. That is to say, you do not have to be exclusively one or the other. I think it happens in most couples that one person tends to lead and one person tends to follow.

I should also note that those roles are not always the same as a person’s BDSM roles. I know of lot of submissives who are very authoritative outside of the bedroom, and I know a lot of Dommes who are very easy-going and agreeable outside of the bedroom. So real-life roles and BDSM roles are not always the same.

But let’s skip the stories about CEOs who end up in a dungeon begging a girl in thigh-high boots to spank them. That is most certainly a thing, but it is not the subject of today’s post.

So BDSM “only in the bedroom” means just that. You walk out of the bedroom and become two individuals on even footing, with no power dynamic at play. That’s easy to understand.

Where it gets complicated is in a 24/7 power exchange. I think when people ask about the difference between BDSM in the bedroom and all the time, what they really want to know is how a 24/7 relationship works.

A 24/7 power exchange means that a couple finds ways to work BDSM into every aspect of their lives. The submissive will have a collar to wear in pubic. Something simple that does not attract unwanted attention. And their Dom or Domme will tell them things they must do each day, such as writing assignments (explore a scene you want to play in an e-mail to me), forced masturbation (you will masturbate until you orgasm in the bathroom at work,) etc…

A subtle collar, like a sub would wear in a public setting

A subtle collar, like a sub would wear in a public setting

I have no opinion on which is better. I know some people who have gotten far too into a 24/7 exchange and lost their own identity for a time, but it seems to me that they enjoyed it. The biggest drawbacks that I see are when a break-up happens. That is why I think leather families are so important, as well as having protectors and people who look out for you. It seems to me that there is no relationship harder to leave than a 24/7 power exchange.

I am not currently in any. I have been, but I generally choose to keep my kink to the bedroom. In real life, I want someone to tell me where they want to eat and what they want to do. I want them to offer opinions and challange me intellectually. I am not saying those things can’t happen in a 24/7 exchange. I am sure they can! But they never have for me. All the 24/7 exchanges I have been in involved a person who gave their will over to me, to the point of expecting me to pick out their clothes for the day and keep track of what they ate. It as a lot of work, and unlike some Dommes, I did not get off on having that much control.

Each couple must choose for themselves what they think is best. But remember people; safe, sane, and consensual. A good Domme never looses sight of the well-being of their submissives, and always protects their free will, while keeping their best interests at heart. If you’re going to be a Domme, be a good one who cares deeply for your submissive and makes sure they are always okay, and never too lost in you to know what is best for themselves.