Professional vs Personal

dominatrix

There are a lot of differences between doing something professionally and doing it for fun. I was arguing this with a friend the other day, and now that I have thought about it I think I can explain it better.

First, being a Domme in your personal life is nothing like doing it professionally because it’s for fun. You get to set up scenes you want to play out, and pick who you play with, and all kinds of others awesome things. So of course, it’s fun to be a Domme when it’s not your job. (And maybe you’ve noticed that almost anything seems fun until you do it for a living.)

The Woman.

The Woman.

So for all you Dommes out there who have never worked professionally as a Dominatrix, of course it seems like it’s all fun and games.

The thing is, here’s what being a Professional is like:

I get to work and there is already two clients waiting. When I say clients, I kind of mean creeps. I know I shouldn’t say that, but I got a creeper vibe off half the guys that came to see me. So great, I pick one and we go into my room of the dungeon. I have a small table where we sit down, and I take out the standard consent form, which I have every single person sign before every single session. It says that I am not legally responsible for any physical harm that may occur during the course of the scene, and it asks questions they must answer about what kind of scene they are looking for.

We go over he form together and make sure I understand what type of scene they are looking for. Then I get out the checklist. It is a list of about 100 things that may or may not happen, depending on the client’s desires. On MY checklists, certain things were always crossed off, such as any part of me being penetrated by anything at all. Other Dommes made other choices and also made more money. I respect that, but chose not to do it.

So, then we know what kind of scene and what things will be done or not done. I name a price and collect the money up front, and then I go out and wait while the client prepares. (Usually taking clothes off and getting into position or whatever.)

I come back (leaving the door open so my DM can check in on me).

Now, let’s use an example of a common fetish that I had to deal with. I’ll describe a scene I did for a guy we’ll call Mr. Chocolate. So, he wanted very much to be treated like a puppy. He would do this in his underwear, with a collar and leash on.

He’d jump up and I’d say “No! That’s a bad dog!” And I’d use my riding crop to smack his butt. And then he’d pout and look cute, so I’d say “Aww, I can’t stay mad at you! Come here.” And I’d get down on the floor and let him crawl around and put his head on me and lick my face while I petted him.

He came to see me several times, and we played out scenes where I taught him tricks and punished him when he did them wrong; while rewarding him with treats when he did them right. He also came to me once obviously upset, and spent the whole time making little whimpering noises while I petting his head and told him he was a good puppy.

Mr. Chocolate had this need to be a puppy, and so my job was to play the scenes out with him. Would I have chosen to do those things on my own? No. I’m not really into pet play. (I do call my husband pet, and I do pet him, but he never pretends to be a dog and I don’t want him to.)

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That’s just one example. I had guys who just wanted to be flogged for hours. I had guys who waned to be spanked, and made to count each whack. I had guys who wanted to be hurt in any way I could think of until they “felt something.” Sometimes, it is about the pain.

But in my experience, mostly, it’s about the control. Someone wants to give themselves over to you wholly and completely and be free from all responsibility or worry. And because they are playing for it, the experience, it will be on their terms.

How is this different from a personal relationship, you ask?

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Well, here are the main things as I see it:

1. Focus. Yes, in private the sub still gives themselves over to you wholly and completely. However, they generally want to please you, rather than having the focus on them being pleased. Even when you do focus on just pleasing them, they still do what they can to make you feel good too, because you are their master and they want to please you.

2. Sex. There is usually sex or penetration of some kind or oral contact or something in a personal BDSM relationship. In general it is frowned upon in a professional context. This is because back in the day when I worked as a Domme*, the dungeons were in private houses and as long as there was no sex, it was legal. If sexual contact happened, it could be considered prostitution and there could be jail and fines and such.

3. Respect. A person who is paying you doesn’t respect you probably, even if they have to act like it to make the scene work. And you don’t respect them all that much either, since you can’t help wondering why they don’t get a girlfriend that will put them on a leash and take them for walks.

*Note: In the 1990’s the internet hadn’t quite created things like fetlife.com and collarme.com yet. There weren’t BDSM meetups just advertised, and going looking for them could be scary. Communities that you could talk about kink with were rare. Kink was less accepted, and more persecuted. Dungeons like I used to work out might not exist anymore (I haven’t been to one like that in years!) 

See, nowadays, you can just meet someone to do kinky things with, so there is no need to pay a girl to do things to you. 

So now, dungeons like the CSPC are places where people can go alone or as a couple and do kinky things in a professional dungeon setting, without needing to pay for time with a Dominatrix. 

It’s a better age, but I feel like it renders people like me somewhat obsolete. I just teach now. After all, I got good at speaking frankly about kink during all those scene negotiations I used to do. So, it’s easy for me to talk practically about things that embarass others. It’s therefore easy to do workshops and things like that. 

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Anyway the point is, working as a Domme isn’t the same as being a Domme for fun. If I’ve failed to explain why then I am sorry. I tried to do my best. But as someone who has Dominatrix friends who are both pro and personal, (as well as having been both) all I can do is promise you that I know what I am talking about. It’s not the same.

Anyway, I hope that you guys know I write these posts with a smile. If you met me in person you’d see that even though I can snap right the fuck into serious mode when I have to, I really am mostly a goofball.

rHelloKitty

Of Ginger Bread and Holiday Cheer

This is my first ever ginger bread house

This is my first ever ginger bread house

In my life, I have planned a lot of kink events. I am currently trying to organize a play party during my upcoming trip to South Korea (as an example.) And from fetish proms to munches, it’s often hard to figure out how to entertain people.

Well Friday I went to a fetlife munch in Portland where we made ginger bread houses. I missed America (it is my home after all!) And I really missed American holidays. I can not tell you how exciting it has been to be here for carving a pumpkin on Halloween, eating turkey on Thanksgiving, and now making a ginger bread house for Christmas.

This is not to say that Chuseok and Lunar New Year weren’t fun. They were. Korean holidays are lovely and there are beautiful cultural experiences to be had all over the world. But in the end, there really is no place like home for the holidays.

Anyway, this was one of the cooler munches I have been to and I thought it was a really awesome idea, so I had to share. Maybe others will see this post and get inspired to throw their own ginger bread house munch someday.

Happy Holidays to all the kinksters out there!

All the pretty houses together

All the pretty houses together

Danger! Or maybe not…

trent

Sometimes I wonder what growing up in the kink community has done (if anything) to my ability to sense danger.

For the most part, I feel like the kink community has done positive things like teaching me to be less discriminatory and forcing me to have a more open mind. But, I wonder if it also has made it hard for me to know when someone is dangerous.

I ask because of two friends.

The first, pictured above, is Trent Benson. For many years I hung out with him on slow Sunday nights. Sometimes he came in on Saturdays too. I worked at a bar, and he was a customer who talked to me more than most, and who slowly became a friend. I trusted Trent. He was a nice guy and a single dad. He owned a water store and he seemed like a hard worker. Right up until the day the got arrested (three years after I met him), I thought he was a nice guy.

But Trent wasn’t a nice guy. In fact he raped and murdered a bunch of women in the town where we lived. And you know what is fucked up about it? When I found out he got the death penalty my first reaction was to be sad. After all, he was my friend.

Sometimes I worry that my judgement is off. Sometimes I worry that I am worse than most at picking out the bad people in a crowd.

Do you ever feel that way?

Anyway, I have this other friend. He talks often about how much he loves to hurt girls. He likes to see them cry, and he likes to wrap his hands around their necks. He’s a sadist and he’s proud of it. He talks a lot about the girls he has hurt and how much he enjoys it.

Sound like a bad guy?

Because he doesn’t to me. He’s just another Dom that I am friends with. Just another person in the BDSM community. Years of experience have conditioned me to think “harmless” of violent people who like to hurt others.

So what I am saying is; sometimes I wonder if I should ever trust my judgement about people. 98% of the time I am proud to be part of the kink community and I think we’re wonderful people who are more tolerant and open-minded than the vanilla folks. But sometimes… just sometimes… I wonder if some of the effects the community has on a person can be negative.

Maybe no one can pick a serial killer out of a crowd. Maybe the people who cringe at sadists are wrong to do so and I am right.

But as Trent’s execution nears… I wonder. I can’t help but think that maybe other people found him creepy. Maybe other people could tell, or had a sense that he was bad. And maybe my “danger” sense is dulled because I know that one can be creepy, and also healthy and well-adjusted. One can like to hurt people, but always do it with consent to someone who enjoys it. And I know that the desire to hurt people isn’t always bad.

It just makes me wonder.

Mesa police searching Trent's house after his arrest at my bar.

Mesa police searching Trent’s house after his arrest at my bar.

Genders

eye

My friend shared a story about genders which got me thinking.

At the few Portland kink events I have been to there have been a lot of gender neutral people there. The first job I took here I worked with a person whose chosen name was Robin and who was trying to transition into a female.

In some places, this is acceptable behavior. Portland, New York, and a few of the more liberal places on Earth allow people to be more flexible about gender.

That’s good, in my opinion, as two genders isn’t enough to describe everyone.

I am a guy. I mean, my body is female and all. But in my head I am and always have been a guy. There are actually structural differences between male and female brains. I am not being sexist. The genders really are different. And nothing about the inside of my head is female.

However, I would never choose to transition.

At first I thought I might feel that way because I grew up in conservative places like Arizona where it wasn’t socially acceptable. But over time I have realized that even in liberal places where it would be socially okay to transition; I wouldn’t make that choice.

This is nothing against people who do make the choice. I’m not saying they are wrong, and I’m not saying they aren’t brave.

All I am saying is; I’m not one of them any more than I am a normal girl. I am something else. And there aren’t words in English to describe it.

The Navajo have four different genders and maybe growing up near their reservation influenced me. But I think I agree with the article my friend shared. There are more than two genders. It’s nice that the kink community embraces this.

Variety is the Spice of Life

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I was reading a blog on NPR about race preferences in dating. The claim is that men favor Asian women, and women favor white men.

I had never really given the subject much thought before. If the stats say it’s true, then I suppose it probably is. But I would guess this is less prevalent in the kink community.

I dated a black girl who looked amazing in vinyl and had the softest hair. I dated a blonde, because every now and then you need a blonde. I’ve been with Mexican girls, a Malaysian girl, European girls, and I even had sex with a hooker in Thailand. (This is just to name a few, because as my blog name implies, my sexual history is a very long list.) And the only thing I can promise you is that race never really entered into it. I love a kinky, attractive girl. But I never stopped at Club Desire in Seoul and thought “Boy, I am glad this sex club is all Korean women.”

The reason I think this is true is that for folks in the community, kink is the biggest factor. Is someone kinky? Great! That makes them attractive. Does their kink match ours? Super! Now they’re more attractive! And race is just so far down the list of deciding factors that it never actually enters into the decision.

But I want to know, by private message or comment on this blog; do you think this study applies to you? Do you agree with the idea that attraction is subconsciously and inherently racist?

Because I think those of us in the kink community are less racist than the general population would seem to be.

diversity