They’re all tied up. Now what?

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*Note, because it’s usually a guy asking this question, I’m writing this as a guide for a guy as the Dom. That doesn’t mean this is always the case, as of course, I am usually the Domme in my relationships with both men and women. But look; I had to choose pronouns because that is how English works. 

I’ve noticed that a re-occurring question when it comes to BDSM and beginners is: “Okay, I have her tied up. Now what do I do?”

I’ve also noticed that a very common response in kink forums is “strap a vibrator to her and wait for her to cum.”

I have so many problems with all of that. So let’s take it in two parts.

Part One: Why you do not strap a vibrator to her and “wait for her to cum.”

Okay, I know that vibrators work on a lot of girls. I also know that Kink.com features this scenario often, and so that contributes to guys getting the wrong idea.

However, not all girls like vibrators. They also do NOT work on all of them. In fact, they are very unpleasant for some girls. Remember to discuss with your partner what she likes and what toys she is okay with BEFORE applying them to any part of her body. Scene negotiation before play is SO important!

Even if a vibrator does work as a way to get her off, it’s not the only way and it is far too overused in kink porn and in kink couples.

Main tips: Don’t use a vibrator unless she’s okay with it, and even then don’t be lazy and always use it. Also, if you use your finger be gentle and use lube. Or better yet, use your tongue and be gentle.

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Part Two: What to do once she’s tied up…

Some people really freeze up once they have their girl tied and ready to play with. This is understandable when you are new, and thankfully it’s easy to deal with.

Remember that you can still do all the things you would have done if you hadn’t tied her up. Standard vanilla sex stand-by stuff like ear biting and licking, neck kisses and nibbles, playing with nipples, licking her pussy, fucking her, etc…. are still okay things to do when she’s tied up. Those things aren’t off limits once you get some rope on her.

But if you need kinky ideas remember that there are zillions and zillions available on the basic BDSM checklist.

Remember that BDSM is not just about pulling her hair, choking her, or spanking her. It’s about control. It’s about playing roles. If you are being Dominant, then tease her with that fact. Say things like “You’re all tied up now. That means you’re my toy and toy and I can do whatever I want….” (That’s just an example. Please be creative.)

And also remember that you can do nice things for your submissive. You can rub her feet, suck on her toes, kiss all of her skin, rub her back, or wash her hair. You don’t always have to be mean. In fact, a good Dom takes time to appreciate their toys. So keep that in mind, too.

If you are still looking for ideas after going through a BDSM checklist, another good place to look is in erotic fiction. This is because men are more drawn to visual stimulation and so usually watch porn. But in general, women are less visual and more conceptual about sexual stimulation. So, they often read and write erotic fiction.

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Now, it’s good to know when you take advice who it’s coming from. So, I am mostly a Domme. Nearly every person that I sleep with subs for me. It’s not even a discussion. It’s just more of an assumption since I have the more dominate personality and I mostly only attract submissives.

However, I do sometimes sub if just the right person comes along. It has to be a very specific sort of person with very specific attitudes about sex. I rarely find this type of person.

Still, I DO have experience on both sides of the whip.

One last closing thought: It pissed me off when I Googled “Master and Sub” and got nothing but pictures of women subbing for men. I hate that the community is so dominated with that. It feels somehow anti-feminist, even though I know that the whole point of feminism is supposed to be having a choice about what role you play in society. I am a switch, but mostly I am a Dominatrix. We are out there. A BDSM couple is NOT just a Dom male and Sub female, and I think it’s important that we all remember that.

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Intro to Poly Life

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I’m in a few relationships right now, and because some of them are fairly new, I’m going to write a post about polyamory. Now please note that I am not saying the rules are the same for everyone. I’m just saying that this is how I do things, and I think these rules work well for me.

First: The most important thing to remember about the poly lifestyle is that STDs are a big deal. To explore this in greater detail, let’s think about how many people are directly effected by one partner getting an STD.

I am currently sleeping with my husband, as well as a man we’ll call Mr. Greyson, and a man we’ll call Mr. Slick. So on the first tier, all of those people are directly effected. (That’s 3 people.)

Now my husband is sleeping with two other girls. So if I get an STD, those other girls will have a problem as well. Mr. Greyson is also sleeping with two other girls. and so they are also effected. And Mr. Slick is dating two girls besides me as well, bringing the grand total of the second tier of people effected to six (adding first tier people this is a total of 9 so far).

AND if the girlfriends of my husband, Mr. Greyson, and Mr. Slick are sleeping with other people (and they likely are) then the effects spread even farther.

It can get confusing enough to need a white board...

It can get confusing enough to need a white board…

Now let’s talk about how STDs spread, for those who are unaware.

An STD (or sexually transmitted disease) is a virus or bacteria that lives in your penis or vagina, and depending on the STD, also in your blood. (This is why for a full panel of STD tests they take both a swab and a few vials of blood.) Keep in mind that these viruses and bacteria are capable of being spread through a single cell. Just one cell getting from a sexual partner onto you can infect you. So even if you wear a condom, the skin to skin contact from more vigorous sex can certainly spread an STD from one person to the other. Not to mention that any oral sex can spread cells from one person to another as well. STDs are very contagious, and thinking “if I wear condoms everything will be okay” is crazy talk.

Now, another important thing to note is that many STDs are completely symptom-free. So if you have HPV or Clymidia (for example) you will not know it. You won’t have a rash, or strange smells, or any discharge. Many STDs present with no symptoms at all, and you can spread them even if you don’t know you have them.

So how do you keep from giving something to your partners, who will pass it on to their partners?

The very best way to handle this is simple: Every single time you add a new partner, you must require an STD test from them (and provide them one in return). Many places offer cheap testing based on your income, and colleges often have partnerships with health organizations to offer free testing a few times a year. You can go see your regular doctor as well, but I understand that some people are too shy to ask their family doctor for STD tests, and I respect shyness to a point (just go get tested somewhere else!!!)

It’s also necessary to have a honest and frank discussion with each partner, explaining that when they  add a new partner, they need to require paperwork too. And if they refuse, then however attractive and awesome they may be, you have to go and find someone else who can handle a mature poly relationship. Because when you take risks on untested people who refuse to provide documentation that they are STD-free, you are risking a lot more than just yourself.

Just one tiny cell can ruin your entire life, and the lives of the people you love...

Just one tiny cell can ruin your entire life, and the lives of the people you love…

Thankfully, most STDs are treatable. A simple course of antibiotics will fix the problem, and then you’re free to go back to a slutty lifestyle.

Remember that trust is important, and that sometimes you place your trust in people that don’t deserve it. I have a friend who did that, and I am sad for her because she is now living with Herpes. There is no cure, and it has ruined her sex life and her hopes of settling down and having a husband and kids.

*This is because she’d have to find a partner that also had it, and that she liked enough- a very tiny intersection of a large ven diagram.

Every time I think that I’d like to just take a guy or girl home from the bar and have wild sex with them, I remember her and I know it’s not worth the risk.

Anyway, sorry for that. I know talk of STDs is heavy and no one ever wants to talk about it. I make folks uncomfortable all the time by forcing the issue, and I know that sometimes they wish I wouldn’t.

Alice's chart, from "The L Word"

Alice’s chart, from “The L Word”

Second: Jealousy is a thing.

Look; I know a lot of people in poly relationships like to act like they are above jealousy. They pretend that they don’t care at all about who their partners sleep with. But there will always be little stabs of jealousy that crop up from time to time, because that is how humans work.

There is no easy cure for this problem. I can’t give you some quick-fix advice for how to avoid being jealous. But I can share with you the way I like to look at my partners other partners, and maybe that will help just a little.

So when I sleep with someone I bond with them to some extent, because oxytocin (a bonding hormone released during sex) is a powerful thing. And you can assume that bonding with someone means caring at least a little bit about their well-being. So I like to look at things from their point of view.

Let’s take the example of Mr. Greyson, who I have been seeing for a few months now. Prior to dating me, he had been single for 3 years following a somewhat painful divorce. So, when he tells me about a girl he met or someone that he plans to sleep with or has slept with, I am proud of him for being gutsy enough to put himself out there are take risks again. I am happy for him, because each new person he adds to his life helps him build up his confidence and self-worth. When I look at it this way, how could I be jealous? I am happy that he is happy, and that tends to drown out any other emotions.

Every situation is different and every bond is different. No two relationships are ever the same. So obviously the bond I have with Mr. Greyson is different than with other people I am seeing. But in each relationship, I can look at things from the other person’s point of view and find reasons to be happy because they are happy. So, that usually makes the jealousy melt away.

If you do end up feeling jealous, take some time to think about why.

One of my husband’s girlfriends bothered me and I wasn’t sure why at first. But over time I came to realize that it was because she wished he was married to her, and she wanted me out of the picture. Because of this, I found myself uncomfortable with the relationship, and my husband ended things with her.

Talk to your partners about feelings that you have and be open and honest. It is the only way to solve your problems and to make sure everyone is happy.

Yes, you should use whatever term you want to describe it.

Yes, you should use whatever term you want to describe it.

Third: Logistics are a bitch, and that is never going to change.

I hate Valentine’s day. I hate it so much that I really have no words to describe my utter loathing for this stupid fucking holiday.

Do I spend Valentine’s day with my husband? Do I spend it with whatever partner is most emotionally needy? If I want to spend it with one partner, but they want to spend it with someone else, am I allowed to feel hurt about that?

I usually solve this problem by spending it at work, or by myself. I just give up.

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But there’s a lot more to logistics than who you should spend holidays with. For example: Do I want my partners to meet each other? Would they react well to one another? What happens if they don’t like each other? Or what happens if they REALLY like each other and they both forget about me all the time and hang with each other instead?

Everyone tackles the problem of logistics differently, and they should because everyone feels differently about this issue. I can tell you that for me personally, I find it easiest to keep things as separate as possible. This is mostly because I am seeing people both 10 years younger than me and 10 years older than me, and I think 20-year ago gaps can make things a little weird.

I also am seeing people who are pretty new to the poly lifestyle, and I am afraid they would start trying to compare one another. I don’t need my 21-year-old boy feeling insecure because my 42-year-old lover might know more about sex than him, nor do I want my 42-year-old lover feeling insecure because my 21-year-old boy-toy has a better body. And I don’t want any of them comparing penis size because that would make me break out in hives! YOU guys know how much I hate guys who measure their worth by the size of their cock.

In the past, with a different set of people, I did introduce one to the other. And they all became friends and never fought over my time because they liked each other and wanted to share. Sometimes this can lead to wonderful friendships and amazing leather families forming. Love can multiply so much between two people, and it seems it can multiply an order of magnitude more between three and an order of magnitude more between four.

I guess the moral of the story is to take it one day at a time, and be willing to accept change and evolution of relationships over time.

These are just some of the key points. Obviously I could write a book about the poly lifestyle because, for those who are new to it, there is an overwhelming amount of information to process. It is a whole new way of seeing relationships and of seeing the world. But for now, I feel this blog entry is long enough. So, I’ll leave you with one final thought on the lifestyle:

Poly relationships require a great deal of responsibility. You are responsible for the health and love of many people, and it is important to realize what kind of a commitment that is. The lifestyle is not for everyone, and it’s okay if you try it and realize it’s not for you. Lots of people feel safer and happier in a monogamous relationship, and I will never judge them for that.

Until next time, be safe and happy all you crazy kids!

Poly pride!

Poly pride!

Kink Evolution

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Kinky very well might just be the way a person is. It has always seemed that way to me. But ideas that excite us do not always stay static. We all start somewhere, and usually we sort of change bit by bit over time. Most of us start out with simple things. Basic restraints and maybe a blindfold. Some teasing with a feather or maybe even a little novelty flogger.

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Most sex shops sell some kind of BDSM starter kit these days, because of the popularity of books dealing with the subject. And of course, household items like kimono ties and karate belts are good starting items.

Over time though, we often get into more complicated stuff. Because most of us that are into BDSM are just addicted to excitement, and to variety and experiences.

A Dom of mine who I adored as a Dom has evolved into more of a Sadist. This is a natural progression for a lot of people. As someone who is not a Masochist, I am ever so slightly disappointed. But I accept it, because I understand that he was bound to evolve.

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I think everyone changes over time.

Where a blindfold was once all you needed, maybe a rope suspension starts to seem like a good idea too. And little by little, we wander father and father down the rabbit hole.

I know lots of people who started out saying, “Oh, I’d never play with hooks in my skin.” And before too long, they ended up part of a “hookers” group like suspension merriment. (Yes, that video is taken in a backyard. There aren’t a lot of venues that let hookers work there, and since Suspension Merriment is based out of Arizona, there is never weather to worry about anyway.)

Things that started out as hard limits become soft limits, and then over time they even become things you enjoy.

Kink is all relative. After all, I know vanilla couples who think that anal sex is kinky. To most of us, anal sex is tame, but anal hooks and butt plugs are sort of exciting.

So how do you deal with it when a partner of yours evolves and you don’t?

Well, this is where you find yourself either learning to like new things, or setting limits for them in play. And this is also why polyamory is a good idea in the kink world, because it’s very hard to find someone that matches up 100% with all your kinks. It’s hard to get everything you could ever want from just one person. (Though I’m not saying it is impossible.)

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My toy bag has grown a lot over the years to include new and different things. I think that is pretty normal, according to what I have seen.

The real key is constant communication. Always figure out a way to express your needs. If you can’t do it in person (too shy or something) then try writing e-mails or letters. I prefer in-person myself, but because people can be shy, I also accept written scene ideas. I do prefer paper-and-pen letters to e-mail though, because we all know Google and the NSA are reading our electronic correspondence.

Anyway find a way to talk to your partners or partners and tell them what you need. And if you can try new things and evolve together, that’s always best.

Penis Size

Isolated Portrait of a young woman looking surprised

Disclaimer: Yes, this blog is mostly about kink, but this post is just a rant so feel free to skip it.

This is one of those things I am so sick of talking about that I can hardly stand it. Every guy has to talk about his penis. The ones with smaller penises always act insecure about it and it’s awkward. The ones with big dicks brag all the time like it’s all that matters. So fuck it. I am going to clear up a few things.

First; Vaginas are not all the same size. Seriously guys, this is a thing. Mine is about 8 inches deep. Sure they are stretchy and stuff, but it does hurt to stretch them. Also, the clitoris is not at the very end of the vagina WAY inside or something. In fact, the tip is outside and above the vagina, while the underneath part is sort of on the sides of the vagina. So for girls to get off, a big penis is irrelevant. Sure, some like it. But not all of us do.

Second: Some positions are better with penises on the smaller side. With a smaller penis, you get to have more grinding, and that is more likely to allow a girl to get off while having sex (not from the penetration, but from the friction against hip bones.)

Third: Oh my god size isn’t everything. It’s just not. Yes, a very tiny penis will make us sad so you better be good at something else. (Oral sex, back rubs, use of toys, etc…) And look; a big penis really does hurt and not all girls like pain.

I could go on and on. But I’m not going to because the internet does and so does every guy on Earth and I just hate this topic.

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Oh, and for the girls: There is no way to tell a guy’s penis size unless you actually look at his penis. I don’t care what app you have on your phone or what your friends told you. I have seen a lot of penises in person at sex clubs, and dungeons, and in my bed. Unless you’re a professional porn star I probably have more experience than you so just trust me.

When I first got to Portland I slept with a guy we’ll call Mr. Pretentious. He was tall and had very long fingers and big feet; all the things that are supposed to predict big penis size were present. (Not that I was looking for that; because he found me not the other way around.) Point is; I get his clothes off and his dick is so tiny I can’t even feel it in my ass. It was really small.

And then there are the guys who are short and skinny and dinky looking. My ex who was a drummer in a metal band is a good example. Little guy. Shorter than me. Weighed maybe 100 pounds. His dick was 11 inches long. I measured it against an old wooden ruler and just stared in disbelief. The man should not have had a strong enough heart or enough spare blood (given his size) to keep a penis like that hard. It was fat, too.

So girls, the moral of the story is this; don’t think you can stall and put off sex for a long time. Because then you’ll get attached before you know whether or not his penis is something you can live with (As in; is your vagina too small or too big for it?)

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One last thing:

MEN: DO NOT TALK ABOUT THE SIZE OF YOUR PENIS TO US.

Consider this a public service announcement and take it to heart. Because if you say “I wish my dick was bigger” and I do as well, I’m going to have to sit there and bite my tongue. Or worse (and I have done this) I’m going to loose my patience and say “Me too,” then put on my clothes and leave.

Others things not to say include “I’m so glad my dick is big” and “I wish my dick was bigger.”

Yes. We know. All of you think bigger is better and you’re constantly obsessing about your penis and it’s size relative to other men and particularly porn stars. But self-confidence is sexy and even when you are bragging about your cock and it is a respectable size, you still sound desperate for approval and childish when you talk about it. Confident men don’t have to brag, after all.

Women should not ask if dresses make them look fat. It’s a trap. And men should not bring up penis size for the same reason.

(And just so you know, the guy who I walked out on after telling him he had a small penis obsessed over it for years and even started a website devoted to hating me and tried to get my exes and random strangers to join. It destroyed his ego for years. I don’t feel bad about it though. He brought it up every single time we had sex as we were laying in bed after. He’d say it was small and I’d feel obligated to reassure him that it was fine. And I just got sick of lying to him. He shouldn’t have brought it up, and you shouldn’t either. )

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*I’d like to apologize to my husband for this post. He has an unnaturally large penis and he does kinda talk about it rather too much. I love him with all my heart and soul in spite of this fact. And, I love his penis. I hope this post doesn’t hurt his feelings (if he even reads my blog, which I kind of doubt.) 

An Orgy I Went To

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So while I was on vacation I went to an orgy. (I also went ice fishing and to an amusement park, but I guess you guys don’t want to hear about that, huh?)

First: It’s kind of hard to define what an orgy is. This was 6 couples (or 12 people) who started out just switching partners with each other and ended up sort of just having sex with everything around. I have no idea if it was planned or not, because my pet and I were the only English speakers there. It seemed unplanned, so I’m going to assume it just started out with some couples at a sex club and ended with a more orgy-like setting.

When I told my friends I was at an orgy, they had several questions. So I’ll write this post as a question and answer, since it seems like a fair format to do this topic in.

1. How many people did you have sex with?

Um… I’m not really sure. It’s all kind of a blur. I’m pretty sure that I had sex with all of them. But you know, it’s a dimly lit room and not everyone is memorable. It’s not like we got to exchanging names or talking about our lives with each other.

2. Was it fun?

A lot of it was fun, yes. I had some really interesting sex. And of course, it was all Asians, so I got to be the hot foreign girl with the big, blue eyes and the shaved pussy. Asian men go nuts over a shaved pussy. They all want to pet it and rub lube on it and stuff because Asian women don’t usually shave.

It was also fun from the perspective of watching my pet, which I always enjoy doing. I don’t mean to brag, but my pet has 6-pack abs, a beautifully toned body, and a huge cock. He is way hotter than the guys in porn. And yes, I do know how lucky I am. So watching him walk around, watching him fuck, and anything else I ever watch him do is just awesome. And anyway he gets this “sex smile” that is so brilliant and lights up my whole world.

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3. What about STDs?

This is a very valid question. Yes, I do worry about STDs. That’s why I use condoms. All the guys were annoyed about this because they weren’t using them with the other girls. But I insisted and they complied. My pet had the same experience with the girls, who saw him reach for a condom and said they didn’t like it, but he put it on anyway.

Still, STDs are spread from skin-to-skin contact and they are caught from oral sex as well as vaginal and anal sex. It’s totally possible to get something even using condoms and dental dams and being careful. So when I got home to the USA I went and got a full STD panel. Some of the tests require a wait of a few weeks before you can take them, so always ask your doctor if it’s too soon to take certain tests. My doctor thought it was silly of me to wait for the AIDS test, because he said it’s rare that it’s takes longer than a week or two to show up in your blood. But he agreed that it’s okay to be cautious and told me to come back in a few weeks for that one.

I do this all the time. I have been tested for STDs at least 40 times in my life. The tests have not always come back negative, but everything I have ever caught was easy to treat. Yes, I worry every single time.

But here’s the thing; I am not willing to live my life according to fears of what might happen. I am as careful as anyone can be given my lifestyle, and I am accepting of the fact that it might not be enough. I fly in planes even though they sometimes crash. I drive a car even though sometimes car accidents happen. I went skydiving even though sometimes parachutes don’t open. And I went to an orgy even though I might get an STD.

Some of my friends feel that this is irresponsible behavior. Maybe so. But I like sex, and I like unique situations involving sex. I feel that the risk is small, and that it is worth it. You may make a different choice, and that is okay too.

4. How do I get to be part of an orgy?

It’s funny because the ones I have been part of were surprise situations. I think it usually is. I don’t think there are a lot of planned orgies. (Though there are a lot of swingers clubs for older married folks.) I do not think I can answer this question. All I can say is; you increase your chances when you hang out in certain types of places around certain types of people.

5. Were there any negative parts?

Yes, there was one. A sort of overzealous guy was watching me and another guy have sex, and he tried to stick his fingers inside of me (while the other guy was inside of me). He had finger nails, and they cut me. This was actually when I tagged out of the orgy and left everyone to their fun.

6. Would you do it again?

Yes! With the exception of the very end, it was actually a lot of fun. I know it’s uncharacteristic for a girl to admit to even liking sex, let alone promiscuous orgy sex. But, it was fun! There was one point where I had 3 guys around me all playing with me at once and I felt like a total sex goddess. It was just like being in a porn. I love sex that feels just like a porn.

I'm including a frog orgy at the end because I have a terrible sense of humor and because the picture made me laugh

I’m including a frog orgy at the end because I have a terrible sense of humor and because the picture made me laugh