*Note, because it’s usually a guy asking this question, I’m writing this as a guide for a guy as the Dom. That doesn’t mean this is always the case, as of course, I am usually the Domme in my relationships with both men and women. But look; I had to choose pronouns because that is how English works.
I’ve noticed that a re-occurring question when it comes to BDSM and beginners is: “Okay, I have her tied up. Now what do I do?”
I’ve also noticed that a very common response in kink forums is “strap a vibrator to her and wait for her to cum.”
I have so many problems with all of that. So let’s take it in two parts.
Part One: Why you do not strap a vibrator to her and “wait for her to cum.”
Okay, I know that vibrators work on a lot of girls. I also know that Kink.com features this scenario often, and so that contributes to guys getting the wrong idea.
However, not all girls like vibrators. They also do NOT work on all of them. In fact, they are very unpleasant for some girls. Remember to discuss with your partner what she likes and what toys she is okay with BEFORE applying them to any part of her body. Scene negotiation before play is SO important!
Even if a vibrator does work as a way to get her off, it’s not the only way and it is far too overused in kink porn and in kink couples.
Main tips: Don’t use a vibrator unless she’s okay with it, and even then don’t be lazy and always use it. Also, if you use your finger be gentle and use lube. Or better yet, use your tongue and be gentle.
Part Two: What to do once she’s tied up…
Some people really freeze up once they have their girl tied and ready to play with. This is understandable when you are new, and thankfully it’s easy to deal with.
Remember that you can still do all the things you would have done if you hadn’t tied her up. Standard vanilla sex stand-by stuff like ear biting and licking, neck kisses and nibbles, playing with nipples, licking her pussy, fucking her, etc…. are still okay things to do when she’s tied up. Those things aren’t off limits once you get some rope on her.
But if you need kinky ideas remember that there are zillions and zillions available on the basic BDSM checklist.
Remember that BDSM is not just about pulling her hair, choking her, or spanking her. It’s about control. It’s about playing roles. If you are being Dominant, then tease her with that fact. Say things like “You’re all tied up now. That means you’re my toy and toy and I can do whatever I want….” (That’s just an example. Please be creative.)
And also remember that you can do nice things for your submissive. You can rub her feet, suck on her toes, kiss all of her skin, rub her back, or wash her hair. You don’t always have to be mean. In fact, a good Dom takes time to appreciate their toys. So keep that in mind, too.
If you are still looking for ideas after going through a BDSM checklist, another good place to look is in erotic fiction. This is because men are more drawn to visual stimulation and so usually watch porn. But in general, women are less visual and more conceptual about sexual stimulation. So, they often read and write erotic fiction.
Now, it’s good to know when you take advice who it’s coming from. So, I am mostly a Domme. Nearly every person that I sleep with subs for me. It’s not even a discussion. It’s just more of an assumption since I have the more dominate personality and I mostly only attract submissives.
However, I do sometimes sub if just the right person comes along. It has to be a very specific sort of person with very specific attitudes about sex. I rarely find this type of person.
Still, I DO have experience on both sides of the whip.
One last closing thought: It pissed me off when I Googled “Master and Sub” and got nothing but pictures of women subbing for men. I hate that the community is so dominated with that. It feels somehow anti-feminist, even though I know that the whole point of feminism is supposed to be having a choice about what role you play in society. I am a switch, but mostly I am a Dominatrix. We are out there. A BDSM couple is NOT just a Dom male and Sub female, and I think it’s important that we all remember that.