BDSM is a huge and varied thing. There are so many different sub-groups and various fetishes within the kink community that it’s hard to ever sum it up. From furries to foot fetishists to hook suspension groups, the rabbit hole is deep, and it’s a long way down.
I was talking recently with a Dom friend of mine, who was mentioning how surprised he was by things that he ended up doing, which he thought he would never do. He said someone told him when he got into the community that “Forever is about six months.” Meaning, you say you’ll never do something, not ever ever ever, and then you end up trying it down the road.
I have found this to be a regularly occurring phenomenon, so I thought I’d devote a post to the most common things people say that they will never ever do.
Needle Play: The art of needle play involves putting needles under someone’s skin. Of course one must make sure that said needles are sterile and, because bacteria like staff and MRSA can live on the skin, you must also use alcohol to clean the skin before inserting any needles. This can be a simple affair with one or two needles used only for sensation, or it can become an art form when people use many needles to make beautiful and intricate designs.
People say they will never ever do it mostly if they are freaked out by needles, and the feel of one sliding into their skin. But if practiced correctly, needle play is not like getting blood drawn, because the needles do not go in that deep. They are meant to be slid right under the top layer of skin, and pushed sideways, so as not to go into the tissue and cause permanent damage. This actually causes very little pain, and because the needles do not go deep, it lacks the sense of violation that some feel when a needle to pushed deep into a vein for a IV or something.
Yes, I have tried it. It was an experience and I’m glad I did it, but I didn’t enjoy it enough to want to do it often.
Piss Play: I guess there are a thousand ways to describe this one, though I mostly hear “golden showers,” or “watersports.” This is the act of someone peeing on you, or peeing on someone. Most typically done outside or in a shower or bathtub, it is something that plays on a deep-seeded taboo in the human mind that one should not touch waste from their own body or from someone else’s.
Most people say they will never ever do this because it is gross, and I admit that there is an ick factor involved. It’s better if the person doing the peeing drinks lots of water first, because there is less of a smell then.
I have talked to several people who ended up trying it, and mostly there is two sides to it. The first is the side of the person who wants to pee on someone. For them, it is often described as an act of control, or the ultimate submission of their partner to their will. For the person on the receiving end, I have had it described to me as being incredibly hot because it is so wrong to them. To do something so gross just to please their master brings them joy.
I also tried this, and I don’t see the appeal myself in peeing on someone (or being peed on for that matter). But I don’t judge people who like it because I’m into some strange things myself and we should never judge our fellow kinksters.
*Side note: I have never actually met anyone who is into scat play, nor have I ever tried it. I am sure someone, somewhere does it. But I guess I feel it’s so very uncommon that it doesn’t need to be addressed. I promise to change my mind of I ever actually meet someone who likes to play with poo.
Bukkake: This is basically playing with cum in various ways. In some cases, it can just be a man cumming on his partner, perhaps in a more taboo area like the face. Or, for a sub of mine, he would cum on my stomach and then lick it up slowly while making eye contact with me. It can even include food; for example a man cumming on a piece of food and then making his partner eat it.
This is often a never ever for people who find cum disgusting. It does have a odd taste and consistency that can put people off, and of course it is a bodily fluid and some people are just bothered by bodily fluids in general.
For me, I think the sexist example was the sub I had in Arizona who liked to lick his cum off of me, because he just looked so damn hot doing it. I also had a Dom who would cum inside of me, lick it up, and then spit on me. That was actually pretty sexy too. I guess this falls into the category of something I like to do, though only after exchanging STD tests because one should always do that before becoming fluid bonded to another person.
Hook Suspension: This is when a person has hooks carefully placed into various points in their skin, and then is lifted off the ground or pulled by another person controlling the hooks.
The first time I saw a hook suspension was at a concert when I was 17. I remember being amazed at how far the man’s skin stretched from his body. He was swinging across the stage and the skin on his back was stretched about 18 inches from his bones. It almost looked like he had a pair of wings.
This gets a never ever reaction from a lot of people because they expect that it would be very painful to have their skin penetrated by hooks, and then used to support the weight of their body.
This is actually the one things I’m going to tell you about today that I have never done. I have wanted to. My friends in Suspension Merriment are wonderful people (I love that they call themselves “hookers”) and they always look so peaceful when they are hanging.
My reason for not doing it is because I don’t go into shock or get endorphins when my body is injured. I broke my arm a few years ago and instead of getting a rush of adrenalin and endorphins that helped me deal with it, it simply hurt the whole time I was getting to the hospital and waiting there to be helped. I think for me, it would not be a spiritual and amazing experience, but more of a trial that I just don’t feel ready to endure. But again, I love the folks who do it. They are great people. I respect what they do and don’t judge another person’s kink.
Fisting: This is one of those things that sounds really scary if you’re the owner of a vagina. After all, a hand is pretty big usually, and it doesn’t seem like it would fit. People say they would never ever do this for a lot of reasons. Girls worry that it will hurt, or that their vagina will tear. Also there is the concern that if it is stretched out, it won’t go back to being tight again.
First I’ll just say that the vagina is amazingly stretchy and meant to pass a baby through. Yes, it can stretch, and yes it will shrink back to it’s original size (though the time that takes can vary from person to person.) This doesn’t mean it isn’t dangerous, because not using lube or moving too fast can tear the vagina and cause infection, or even require stitches.
I have done this, and I like it. It’s one of those things that I have to be in the mood for. But I like it, and have even gone as far as trying anal fisting, which I also enjoyed, (but again, I had to be really aroused first because I feel like tissue is more pliable and tolerant of abuse when it is full of blood and aroused). I have also done it to several girlfriends, who also enjoyed it once they were into it. Some took awhile to work up to it though, as in, not on the first try. I have yet to fist a guy, but I’m not ruling it out.
I could go on and on. I know some people find furries strange, as well as pet play and rape play. Perhaps I’ll get to those another day. For now, these are just some examples.
I promise you that my 16-year-old self who first entered a dungeon was not okay with any of these things. At one point, they were hard limits for me. And over time, they became soft limits, and then I tried them.
In fact, I have found myself doing all manner of weird things, from dental play to role play, that I thought when I was younger that I wouldn’t do.
Rough sex with a little choking or slapping is a long way from hook suspension. It has certainly been an interesting journey. But the point is that “never ever” is something that we all say about something at some point, and it is truly amazing how fast you can go from that feeling of “hell no” to that feeling of “hell yeah.”
As the saying goes; forever, for many in the community, is about six months.
Final note: It should also be mentioned that a person’s chemistry with another person is a huge factor. It takes a certain type of person and the right kind of chemistry to push and break limits. Even if you’re okay with something with one person, sometimes you’re not with another. And that is okay. One can not understate the importance of personalities matching up and chemistry between people.