Personal Update

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I’m super-excited to have just flown to Phoenix, Arizona for the 10th Anniversary of Arizona Fetish Prom put on by Horns and Halos Saturday May 24th. It was a really good time and I always love to be at Horns and Halos events.

James Bound of Horns and Halos

James Bound of Horns and Halos

While we were there, my husband got his magnetic upgrade from Steve Haworth, so now we match! That was pretty exciting, since I absolutely love having mine!

 

Steve Haworth, putting in a magnet in his studio

Steve Haworth, putting in a magnet in his studio

I’m back in Oregon, but only for another 2 months. It’s almost time for my next adventure. I’ll be traveling in August with my husband, and then in September I will be moving to Guam.

Oregon has been fun. My host family has been lovely. It has really been a wonderful year.

However, a year is a long time to stay in one place, and it’s time to think about the future. The future will involve beaches. Warmer beaches than Oregon has to offer.

I have no idea how long I will be staying in Guam. If I like it, then it looks like I’ll stay the full two years that the husband is stationed there. If I don’t like it, then I may drop back in to South Korea for a bit to work as a teacher, or possibly another country like Taiwan or Thailand.

Hopefully, wherever I go, there will be lots of fun fetish things to experience and to write about. You can be assured that I will keep you updated.

Just a picture from prom of a pull

Just a picture from prom of a pull

Power Dynamics

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A recent conversation with a friend got me thinking about power dynamics in relationships, and some bi-products that can happen.

He had complimented me, and I thanked him. I expressed surprise, because I do not receive a lot of compliments. He said I must be surrounded by assholes, but of course, that is not the case.

I tried to explain that I think it is about power and intimidation. I have a very imposing personality, which I didn’t always have. And when I was more shy, I know that people complimented me more. But working as a Dominatrix really centered my personality and gave me a confident air. This confidence can be very hard for men to deal with. I am forceful, strong-willed, and opinionated. I often compliment men, in fact. This really throws them off. The world has (for some unfair reason) been set it up so that boys chase girls. Men are not used to being chased, complimented, or even spoken to by a woman in a confident and self-assured tone.

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Obviously this is not true for all people everywhere. This is a broad generalization of typical behaviors. In the BDSM world, I think it is less common. It’s more of a standard in the vanilla world. But many women in the BDSM community DO choose to be submissive, and so they do mimic the vanilla world in some ways. One of those is having men pursue them, and being somewhat shy.

It is my theory that the person who holds the upper hand in a power dynamic is more often the one who chases their partner; giving compliments and buying presents. I’m not sure if my readers agree, so feel free to comment. And of course please understand that I do know some relationships have an even power dynamic. It’s just that in my experience, that is rare. Generally one person is more dominant and in control.

I just think that submissives can feel of sense of reverence and almost worship for their Dom or Domme, and they do not necessarily ever express this in words. They can be shy, and unsure of what to say. But I think those of us who are Dominant can feel this, and do not need to hear words to understand it.

I could be wrong. Maybe it’s not true for everyone. Maybe there is something specific about me that causes this. But it seems to me that other Dommes have mentioned this to me before. So I am going to go ahead and assume that it is normal.

And to be clear, it doesn’t extend to much else. I have done a lot of scene negotiations and I am good at putting people in a comfortable place to talk about sex. I try to make sure that my subs can feel safe talking to me about anything.

So it’s not like people struggle to talk to me. But I feel there is a correlation between my intimidation level and compliments. And that’s okay.

I just wanted to point out that I do NOT think it is because I am surrounded by assholes.

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Legal Issues

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BDSM and the law is a muddy issue. It always has been. And there is no fool-proof way to ensure that you won’t have issues with the law.

There are people out there already writing about this issue, so you can always do some research about the laws where you live.

But here’s a cheat sheet of easy things to do:

1. Make sure that you have signed consent forms. Every sub, every time. There are forms you can download online. (And of course, it doesn’t hurt to have a checklist of things you consent to.)

2. If you’re not “out” as kinky and you have bruises, people are going to wonder. So make sure that you are ready to explain bruises, cuts, or other marks.

3. Always have a plan for if someone calls the cops. Screaming can cause neighbors to call them. Know what you will say.

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Remember; we are all the face of the community. Each of us represents all of us when we interact with the vanilla world. BDSM has become more mainstream, but it is still shrouded in mystery to the vanilla world and some people will have a negative opinion of us from the start.

I may never meet you. We may not know each other. But we are all part of a community, and we should all try to remember that when we have interactions with the vanilla world.

Remember; safe, sane, and consensual!

Feminism in BDSM

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Feminism in the BDSM community is a confusing issue. Of course, feminism means being able to do whatever you want regardless of your gender. So, being a stay-at-home-mom is fine if you chose it, and being a career woman is fine if you chose it. Because the point is the freedom to have your own opinion and make your own decisions, regardless of gender stereotypes.

That being said, the majority of the couples in the BDSM community here in Portland (and other places I have been) seem to be male Doms and female submissives. And I KNOW those women are choosing to be submissive so it shouldn’t bother me (as long as it’s a choice it’s okay, right?). Yet somehow, it really does bother me sometimes.

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I mean, I’m not the only one having these issues. The internet is full of women debating this. So I tried to narrow down what exactly it is that bothers me about all the men and women playing out “traditional gender roles” in the bedroom. (Traditional gender roles as per society throughout history; i.e. women being submissive to men.)

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Now, as you know, I worked for several years as a Dominatrix. I spent a lot of time dominating men. So, unlike most women who have written about this issue, I don’t fall on the submissive side of things.

Some have suggested that being mostly a Domme means I’ll just never “get it.” But, I have switched before, and I do sometimes take a more submissive role. I’d like to think I have a well-rounded perspective on the subject. Or at least, enough all-around experience to have a decent idea of the various opinion involved.

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So here’s the deal:

Men in lots of countries in the world still buy and sell women. Women are still exploited in many ways. My friend in Pakistan posts awful stories about girls being forced to marry men older than their fathers. The sex trade in places like the Philippines is disturbing. In Iran, women are stoned to death for the crime of being raped.

And even in countries that think they are progressive like the USA, studies show that women still make less money than men, and are still pushed into secretary and teaching positions, while being pushed away from engineering and science.

We have a lot of work to do all over the world to reach equality.

And when you realize that, you have to accept that women were submissive socially to men until very recently; and for most of recorded history in most countries around the world. Men have nearly always been in charge of the government and the courts in societies, and as such, they have almost always controlled the destinies of women.

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I know this is why it bothers me to see so many women acting as submissives. I want women to be equal to men socially, in every society on Earth. And because they are not, I sometimes get frustrated that so many women choose to be submissive.

So I’d like to apologize to any female subs I have offended over the years. I am trying very hard to be accepting of your choice. Just remember to make sure it IS always your choice, and let’s keep it safe, sane, and consensual.