A recent conversation with a friend got me thinking about power dynamics in relationships, and some bi-products that can happen.
He had complimented me, and I thanked him. I expressed surprise, because I do not receive a lot of compliments. He said I must be surrounded by assholes, but of course, that is not the case.
I tried to explain that I think it is about power and intimidation. I have a very imposing personality, which I didn’t always have. And when I was more shy, I know that people complimented me more. But working as a Dominatrix really centered my personality and gave me a confident air. This confidence can be very hard for men to deal with. I am forceful, strong-willed, and opinionated. I often compliment men, in fact. This really throws them off. The world has (for some unfair reason) been set it up so that boys chase girls. Men are not used to being chased, complimented, or even spoken to by a woman in a confident and self-assured tone.
Obviously this is not true for all people everywhere. This is a broad generalization of typical behaviors. In the BDSM world, I think it is less common. It’s more of a standard in the vanilla world. But many women in the BDSM community DO choose to be submissive, and so they do mimic the vanilla world in some ways. One of those is having men pursue them, and being somewhat shy.
It is my theory that the person who holds the upper hand in a power dynamic is more often the one who chases their partner; giving compliments and buying presents. I’m not sure if my readers agree, so feel free to comment. And of course please understand that I do know some relationships have an even power dynamic. It’s just that in my experience, that is rare. Generally one person is more dominant and in control.
I just think that submissives can feel of sense of reverence and almost worship for their Dom or Domme, and they do not necessarily ever express this in words. They can be shy, and unsure of what to say. But I think those of us who are Dominant can feel this, and do not need to hear words to understand it.
I could be wrong. Maybe it’s not true for everyone. Maybe there is something specific about me that causes this. But it seems to me that other Dommes have mentioned this to me before. So I am going to go ahead and assume that it is normal.
And to be clear, it doesn’t extend to much else. I have done a lot of scene negotiations and I am good at putting people in a comfortable place to talk about sex. I try to make sure that my subs can feel safe talking to me about anything.
So it’s not like people struggle to talk to me. But I feel there is a correlation between my intimidation level and compliments. And that’s okay.
I just wanted to point out that I do NOT think it is because I am surrounded by assholes.