Trying to date Vanilla Folks


(Note: I should disclose that I am on some antibiotics that are making me feel pretty bad right now. So if I sound meaner than usual, I guess that’s why.) 

I’ve mentioned already how I am currently living on the island of Guam, and how there is a distinct lack of kinky folks here. So as a result, I’ve been talking to some vanilla people.

Now, I know that some vanilla folks are curious and might want to try kink stuff, so I don’t dismiss them out-of-hand. You never know what someone might want to try, and people can surprise you.

However, I do state on all my online dating profiles that I AM kinky, and that I am looking for a kinky partner. Ergo, it would seem to me that it’s obvious enough that I am not looking for someone who wants to have the kind of sex that will bore me. (And I know not all kinky folks are bored by vanilla sex, but without some sort of power dynamic, I can’t seem to get aroused.)

So I bring it up with the vanilla folks who flirt with me. I ask if there is anything they are curious about, or if they have any legitimate interest in kinky sex. And thus far, they have seemed not only disinterested, but frightened.

So I suggest looking up fetish lists or kink worksheets online. I suggest reading up on BDSM to see if they might have interests they are as of yet unaware of.

Thus far, my experience has been that vanilla people are judgmental of my lifestyle and afraid of what it might entail.


In addition to being judgmental and frightened, a lot of them just kind of bum me out. Here are a few things I have actually had said to me by more than one person:

“Well, there’s about 10 guys to every woman on island, so it’s impossible to get laid here.”

(Let’s talk about how it is not my responsibility to “get you laid.” Your insecurity over not usually being the one guy out of ten that a girl will pick makes you sound unattractive to say the least.)

“I mean, she gave me a blowjob so I guess it was worth going out with her. But then she wanted me to go down on her and I was like NO.”

(You are literally telling me up front that you are a selfish lover and I will get no pleasure from sleeping with you.) 

“I dunno, I mean, I’ll try everything once; but I’m not really into all that weird stuff.”

(You are implying a judgement of my lifestyle while yet again making yourself sound awful in bed.)


I can’t figure out how guys think that saying things like this to me will make me want them. First, if you’re a guy who expects blowjobs but won’t go down on a girl, then you suck. A lot. And no girl will want you. I don’t agree with all the things they say (because every girl is different and I don’t like what they like in bed) but I think Tammy and Nicole make a great point in their piece “How To Eat Pussy;”

“When a woman finds a man who gives good head, she’s found a treasure she’s not going to let go of too quickly. This is one rare customer and she knows it. She won’t even tell her girlfriends about it or that guy will become the most popular man in town.”

So look vanilla guys, bragging about how you don’t give head is just sad. I expect oral sex. And I expect a lot more on top of that.

What I imagine when a vanilla guy tells me that he doesn’t even go down on girls is sex like I had when I was 13. Awkward, devoid of orgasm (again people, as Mary Roach writes about in the non-fiction science book Bonk: MOST WOMEN CAN NOT HAVE VAGINAL ORGASMS,) and boring. I’m expecting that you will probably want to kiss a lot (not one of my favorite things), then maybe play with my nipples or something, and then have penetrative sex until YOU get off, while I lay there bored and unfulfilled.

So why would I want that?

Well the answer is that I don’t. I really, really don’t. I could have more fun staying home and watching Porn.

So please guys, if you are vanilla, don’t bother to write to me thinking that I’m going to save you from your sexless life on Guam and give you a pity fuck. I am a slut, but that doesn’t mean I am the slightest bit interested in bad sex. I call myself a slut because I LOVE sex. I enjoy it, and I seek it out often. I like sex clubs like The Velvet Rope, Club Desire, and Club Sesso. I like new and different ways of playing, like the toys invented by Doctor Xtreme.

If you want to impress me, then why don’t you learn a little about kink before you talk to me, and then list specific things you are interested in? As I have said, there are loads of lists online. I recommend the CEPE printable list because it’s comprehensive. But you can look through anything kink-related you like to get ideas.

The key thing to remember is that there is always a power dynamic in the background, and that is what makes kink so exciting. It’s as much in your head as it is outside of your head with whips and chains. And it’s fair to say that if you’re not into it at all, then you probably never will be.

So in spite of your apparent lack of options, I still recommend you find someone else. I know that sounds harsh and I’m sorry, but I’m not having sex with someone just because they’re desperate. I want to have sex I can enjoy too. And I’m not going to compromise my desires for you.


How to Make a Woman Feel Attractive



In a recent discussion with a friend, he said “I know she’s crazy, but the crazy ones are the best in bed.”

And I said that if he felt that way, he wasn’t doing it right.

I couldn’t explain properly at the time (it was after a few drinks). So I’m going to try to explain now.

Let me start by saying that I have done things for some guys that I could never have done for others. Every relationship has it’s own chemistry and it’s own dynamic. But in general, it is much easier to be kinky and fun with someone who makes you feel sexy.

So how do you make a girl feel sexy?

Well, I suppose there is a certain amount of accounting for individual personality that is required. And I understand that. But remember that I am always speaking in general, and I know there are exceptions to everything I say.

With that said, some guys are nervous or shy. They aren’t able to be shamelessly attracted to a girl and to express that in a way that she can see. That is fair. If you’re shy, just do your best. If it means writing sexy e-mails or poetry or whatever it takes, then do what you have to do to make your female partner feel as desired as you can.

Some guys just aren’t that into the girls they are sleeping with. They may think their partner is fine to have sex with in the dark, but would get no delight from seeing them in lingerie because they are overweight or proportioned in a way that seems unattractive. And if THAT is your problem, then maybe you should be with someone else. Or, learn to find the person you’re with attractive. Because if YOU don’t think she’s attractive, then she’s not going to feel attractive.




I use a lot of different things to show and to tell a girl that she is perfect and gorgeous and fun. I make sure that I tell them every single day that I think they are beautiful and sexy. I make a point of stroking their hair, touching them every chance I get, and constantly complimenting them. I find the features I like the most and point them out often. So perhaps she has beautiful eyes the color of a stormy sea. Perhaps she has adorable little freckles. Maybe she has a really great butt. But whatever I can find to love, I passionately love those things and express my love for them often.

(Note: No amount of flattery is too much. You literally can’t go overboard with this.)

I also plant suggestions. Perhaps I love the way they dance, and so I tell them that often, and then playfully slip in the idea of a strip tease someday. Or maybe I think they would look great in something silk and slinky, so I buy something for them and encourage them to wear it. Maybe I buy some sexy shoes, and tell them how great they look and ask that they keep them on when we play. Or perhaps a shade of red lipstick that I buy, so they can wear it on sexy nights out.

Women will act a lot more outgoing and do a lot more with someone who makes them feel wanted and attractive, and because of this, it should always be your goal to make that happen.

I know that for myself, I had some body issues after I had cancer. And some people made me feel worse about them. And with those people, I found it necessary to blindfold them or have the lights off when we played. As a Domme, I need to have confidence. And I can’t have that with someone who makes me feel unattractive.

Then some boys would just embrace me exactly as I was. They would kiss every inch of me, and note every scar with care. I remember the first time someone kissed the scar on my side, and told me that I was all the more beautiful because of the things that I had survived. It made me feel sexy, and also appreciated. And that helped me to be more exciting for them than I am for most people.

I know it’s true for me, and I’ve seen it be true for other girls. The more sexy you feel, the crazier you can be in bed. I did a strip tease for my tattoo artist once because he made me feel beautiful. He said that no one on Earth was more beautiful to him, inside or out. And he constantly made me feel sexy enough that I could do things like strip slowly and wiggle my body like I was still a teenager without scars or stretch marks or any of the imperfections we collect on our way through life.




My point is; you don’t need to date a girl with issues to have fun in bed. That’s a silly thing to think, and it’s a stereotype that has always frustrated me. All you need to do is show a girl that they’re on your mind, and appreciated in your bed.

For a boy who constantly made me feel like a sex goddess, I broke several soft limits and did things I’ve never done with anyone else, including making videos of us having sex, some water sports, and even letting him suck on my toes (I’m usually pretty self-conscious of my enormous feet.) For him I would be happy to be on top, always thrilled to give blowjobs, and in general try anything suggested at least once. And it was FUN. I loved feeling that way. I loved having my scars kissed, and my shape appreciated, and my flaws adored. For him I was the quintessential freak in bed.

I can’t be like that for everyone. Some people just don’t make me feel sexy. And so I blindfold them and I have some fun, but I don’t go out of my comfort zone. I don’t branch out, experiment, or take risks. I don’t dress in cute lingerie for people who don’t make me feel like they want to see me naked.

So yes, it is true that crazy girls have less inhibitions. But perfectly sane girls shed inhibitions easily if given the proper motivation. With that in mind, make sure your partner knows how much you adore them, and then I promise you, you’ll have awesome sex.




In my experience, a lot of BDSM is getting into the headspace required for play. Anyone planing to do a scene; Sub, Dom, or otherwise has to access the place in their head where those feelings come from, to get  into the right mood to play.

I am mostly a Domme, and so for me, getting into my headspace has often involved throwing on some metal and setting out my toys.

But I’ve encountered a wrinkle in this preparation. I never noticed before how much my internal sense of strength and value as a person played into my persona.

For the first time in my life, my world is small. I am in a place where things are very spread out and a car is required for anything. I don’t have a car yet (it is being shipped.) Because of my lack of transportation, I am also without a job or friends. I haven’t been able to meet anyone except for the housewives I count as neighbors. They are vanilla, and subservient to their husbands in true 1950’s fashion. I guess that’s life on a military base, but I feel as though just being around them pollutes my mind. It infects my thoughts. It takes away some of my power.

I guess it’s hard to explain. But for the first time in my memory I do not feel powerful. I feel useless; trapped in a house with nothing near by.

And this has effected my ability to be a good Domme. When one does not feel powerful, how can one act powerful? How can I find the headspace I need when all the influences around me are contrary?

It is a short-lived problem. My car should be here next week, and with it comes the ability to meet peope I have been talking to online, to get a job, and to go out and be ME again.

But it has given me pause. I feel that I must not be the only powerful person to find themselves in a powerless place for a short time, and to find that it effects them profoundly.

I look forward reclaiming myself soon. But I am surprised at myself for how I have felt this last month, trapped in a house with no like-minded people around and nothing to do which makes me feel useful or powerful.

It has been a learning experience. That much is for sure.





Discretion has never been something I had to worry about too much. I am from a big city, and I have mostly lived in big cities. I have become accustomed to being anonymous, and I have always appreciated that.

Several years ago when I moved to South Korea, things got a little complicated. The foreign community and kink community were smaller, and so there was more cause for caution. I had to adapt to that idea, and to learn not to use my real name.

But nothing could have prepared me for the discretion required on a tiny island.

I typically work as a teacher. You can well imagine how being outed as kinky would go. I can see the headline now: “TEACHER FIRED IN DISGRACE AFTER BDSM FETISH DISCOVERED.”

I don’t suppose they couldn’t charge me with anything legally, but I imagine they would try. No one wants their small children taught by “one of those freaks.” (Won’t it be nice when the discrimination against BDSM is finally over?)




So the island of Guam is really small. It has about 170,000 people, which is far less people than in any of the cities I have lived. Already, it seems like everyone knows everyone. I have been recognized twice on the street by people I met casually in a different social setting.

This begs the question; what to do when you have to keep who you are quiet? The thing I did first was to simply accept the isolation I felt, and to try to work through it. People here are afraid to meet. They don’t have munches. They want to spend a long time talking online first, to make sure it’s safe. Okay. These are things I accept about living on a tiny community.

Then logistics. Obviously I can’t just go meeting people in highly public areas. After all, I am married and my husband would rather people NOT find out we’re poly or kinky. (Same reason as me- job to worry about.)

But who wants to meet a complete stranger alone at their house? So a nice out-of-the-way restaurant that is busy enough for someone to hear you scream, but slow enough that I may not be recognized. Fine.

It’s only been a month, but my patience is starting to wear thin. I see why people in small towns have such a struggle being kinky.

I don’t know if I’ll be able to date much while here. I’m thankful I have my husband, because without him I’d be all alone.


Hitting on a Girl

This is something I have discussed before. But since it keeps being a problem, I guess we’re going to keep discussing it.

So here we go again: Tips for talking to a girl for the first time.

More and more relationships are started online. And I personally use and to meet people.

But here’s the problem: A lot of people think a good pick-up line is “Do you want to swallow my cum?”

First: very few girls have that fetish. Most of them find it lumpy and gross. Sure, some girls find it a real turn-on. But it’s less than half so maybe play the odds on this one?

Second: talking to girls isn’t hard. You treat them like people and show them respect. It’s that simple. Sub, Domme, or even a vanilla girl. All women deserve respect. So speak to them like they are human beings.


Let’s talk about pornography. If you sit at home all day and watch it, you might get the impression that all girls are just sitting around waiting to be gang-banged by complete strangers.

But let’s say you talk to a real girl. Not a paid actress. But a real live girl. You don’t want to talk to her like one of the porn stars you jack off to.

Here’s another real actual line I got from a guy: “I just want to show up at a girl’s house and have her be in panties and we just fuck.”

Okay. I have seen that porn.

However, responsible people get STD tests before engaging in sexual escapes with strangers. Why? Well, because condoms are not 100% effective against things like Herpes, and I don’t want to have Herpes.


Now then, another point: Yes, I am a Magically Delicious Super Slut.

However, that does not mean I have sex with everyone I meet. It means I enjoy sex, and I have interesting sex. It’s kinky and it’s exciting and it’s inventive. But it doesn’t mean I just fuck random people who’ve said hi to me online. I do have standards, just like anyone else.

The more you have sex with someone, the  better it should get. You get to know one another and what each other likes and that helps. So I like to have relationships rather than one-night stands. That means I tend to choose people worth having a conversation with. If we’re going to lay in bed catching our breaths, it would be nice if we have something to say to one another.

So think it through. Don’t open with crass and obnoxious things like: “I want you to suck my balls.”

What that makes you look like is a woman-hating twerp with no respect for the person you are talking to, as well as someone who is sexually frustrated and poorly endowed. It makes it look like you’re taking your issues out on random people because you fail at relationships.

So what DO you say to a girl?

Well, here’s an obvious one. Read her profile and bring up something from it. For example, “I see you like Firefly. Long live the brown coats!”

If nothing on her profile makes any sense to you, then the chances are you won’t get along. Maybe don’t start a conversation with her, even if she is hot.

Also, it never hurts to start with: “Hi. You seem interesting. Would you like to talk, or maybe get coffee some time?”

I know it sounds crazy, but it works. It shows respect. It shows you recognize that the women you’re talking to is a person, and that you are not objectifying her. And when you treat people with respect and decency, you might actually get a positive response. Imagine that!


Now, I would give tips for meeting people in person, but honestly, I hate doing that. When you bump into a random stranger as a poly Dominatrix, you’re not likely to have anything in common with them. And it can take a very long time to explain that being poly doesn’t mean I’m cheating on my husband, or that I am unhappy in my relationship. And explaining kink to a vanilla person does not always go well.

But if you do meet someone you think you might like in person, maybe keep the same things in mind? Respect. Kindness. Etc…

It’s just basic stuff really, but inevitably I run into people who don’t know it. So hopefully this helped some of those people who may wonder why I didn’t write them back.