Discretion has never been something I had to worry about too much. I am from a big city, and I have mostly lived in big cities. I have become accustomed to being anonymous, and I have always appreciated that.

Several years ago when I moved to South Korea, things got a little complicated. The foreign community and kink community were smaller, and so there was more cause for caution. I had to adapt to that idea, and to learn not to use my real name.

But nothing could have prepared me for the discretion required on a tiny island.

I typically work as a teacher. You can well imagine how being outed as kinky would go. I can see the headline now: “TEACHER FIRED IN DISGRACE AFTER BDSM FETISH DISCOVERED.”

I don’t suppose they couldn’t charge me with anything legally, but I imagine they would try. No one wants their small children taught by “one of those freaks.” (Won’t it be nice when the discrimination against BDSM is finally over?)




So the island of Guam is really small. It has about 170,000 people, which is far less people than in any of the cities I have lived. Already, it seems like everyone knows everyone. I have been recognized twice on the street by people I met casually in a different social setting.

This begs the question; what to do when you have to keep who you are quiet? The thing I did first was to simply accept the isolation I felt, and to try to work through it. People here are afraid to meet. They don’t have munches. They want to spend a long time talking online first, to make sure it’s safe. Okay. These are things I accept about living on a tiny community.

Then logistics. Obviously I can’t just go meeting people in highly public areas. After all, I am married and my husband would rather people NOT find out we’re poly or kinky. (Same reason as me- job to worry about.)

But who wants to meet a complete stranger alone at their house? So a nice out-of-the-way restaurant that is busy enough for someone to hear you scream, but slow enough that I may not be recognized. Fine.

It’s only been a month, but my patience is starting to wear thin. I see why people in small towns have such a struggle being kinky.

I don’t know if I’ll be able to date much while here. I’m thankful I have my husband, because without him I’d be all alone.


2 thoughts on “Discretion

  1. I just happened across this blogpost while searching ‘related’ themes’ targeting ‘related’ areas. I just had to nod my head and smile. My wife and I are from Guam tho not living there currently, and have discovered some time ago the freedom of living elsewhere. I frequently wonder how to get islanders privately more relaxed about what it is they do behind closed doors and refuse to talk about and share even in controlled, mutually secretive atmospheres. There are small but very tight lipped circles of underground lifestyle, couple swapping, etc., among the local population. Get anyone to admit partaking? Never. Too bad. I would love to know some local islander contacts so our trips home could accommodate more ‘fun’ for wifey and me.

    Just thought I’d drop my thought reaction to your lamenting about Guam. I know where you’re coming from with that… 🙂

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