BDSM Acceptance


Having been in the community a long time, a great many of the people that I have met like to live the lifestyle 24/7. Ropes under clothes at work. Giving their submissives permission to eat, dictating how they dress, etc…

I have always thought that lifestyle was fascinating (your whole life basically becomes about sex) but I have simply never had time to consider such a thing. The nature of me as a person is to stay busy. There is nothing at all I can do to change the fact that I tend to have a LOT going on in my life other than sex. That is not to say that sex is not important- only to say that I can’t help being busy with lots and lots of things.


Still, I respect the people who are into BDSM in public, or who are “out” in real life, or who live the lifestyle all the time. Sometimes I wish I could do that, too.

Due to a few articles I have read recently, I have realized that it is those folks who are “out” in real life and who play all the time that are fighting for the acceptance of BDSM in the mainstream. It is them who are fighting for MY rights. And I really appreciate it. It makes me feel almost ashamed to hide my whips in the closet when my husband’s friends come over.

So props to the kids who devote all their time to BDSM and pushing BDSM rights and acceptance. I admire you all.


Feminists in BDSM

My husband is a feminist. That means that he believes in equal rights for both men and women. I am also a feminist. This is hard for both of us because he is in the military. I can not tell you how horrible the other military spouses have been to me because I work, make more money than my husband, believe in enjoying sex, etc…

One theme comes up over and over. These women, when it comes right down to it, are close-minded and stuck in the 1950’s. They actually talk about how giving blowjobs is gross. Many of them insist that they would never do it. To them, a blowjob is kinky and scary and strange.

So I began to see a correlation of sorts; particularly when trying to date other men associated with the military (because that’s a whole lot of what there is in Guam.)

These men think feminism is a bad word, and they are afraid of me because I know what I want. They think going down on a girl is gross, and don’t have a clue how the female orgasm works.

And more and more I am beginning to see that kinky people are mostly feminists, and vanilla people are still fighting away at some silly “battle of the sexes” watching terrible comedians who mock women for being too stupid to get dressed on time, and mock men for being too stupid to load a dishwasher.

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So let’s talk about this.

First, my husband is able to load a dishwasher. He is not unable to do household tasks, and the idea that men are “too stupid for housework” is simply a trick men pulled on women to keep them in their place. Don’t fall into that trap, because that isn’t helping anyone.

A man can do anything a woman can do, and I know many men who are capable of cooking, cleaning, sowing, knitting, and all kinds of “girl” things.

Also, I can work on a car. I can shoot a gun. I can do all kinds of things that are “boy” things, and so can other women.

We are both capable genders with lots going for us. Maybe women take a little longer to get ready because shaving takes time and makeup takes time, and girl clothes are a pain in the ass. But if you mock a women for this, you may end up with one that doesn’t wear makeup or girl clothes or shave. So keep it in perspective.

Meanwhile, men are not often as adept at housework right off the bat because no one taught them. Women often endure a great deal of socialization by their mothers (“Let me show you how to do the laundry honey. You’ll need to wash your husband’s clothes some day.”) Men do not get that socialization and so they often have a steeper learning curve.


None of this is in any way related to our value as humans.

Women are worth exactly what men are worth.

We are as capable.

The places I see these artificial barriers the most are with less educated and more vanilla folks. And so I just want to take a moment to thank my beloved BDSM community for being full of people smart enough to raise themselves up beyond the divisive bullshit and actually see what equality means.

If you are reading this blog, then I imagine you are a feminist. So am I. So is my husband. And the facts stand. We’re better in bed, we have more fun, and we treat everyone with respect. I hope someday the rest of the world catches up with us.





On my recent vacation my husband and I spent a lot of time with one of my exes. I am told that should be uncomfortable, but it really wasn’t.

I often have people tell me that you’re not supposed to talk to your exes, or introduce current lovers to them, or a host of other societal norms that I guess seemed to make sense in High School.

However, I wonder why these things follow us into adulthood. As we grow and become more emotionally mature, break-ups are (hopefully) less childish and spiteful. And it seems more natural to keep in touch with exes, as they share a part of your story and always will. (And maybe also children.)

For me, I have several exes that I was with for a long time or whom I had a lot of meaningful interactions with, and so it seems like tossing them aside would be like throwing away a part of myself.

I don’t mean to say that everyone should always be close with people they have dated. Everyone knows their own limits and there’s a lot to be said for that.

For me, I think my exes tend to enjoy each other’s company (as I guess I have “a type”) and I enjoy having them meet and share perspectives.

I think this is more common in the BDSM community, as it is mostly my vanilla friends that balk at the idea of staying friends with former lovers. So perhaps that says something about the overall emotional maturity of the community compared to the world at large.

For me, each person I spent a part of my life with shares a part of my story. I have one ex who doesn’t speak to me, and I hate that because I feel like that part of my story is gone. I do remember some things from then, of course. But it’s a shame not to have anyone to talk to about those times.

I don’t know how it is for all of you- my fellow kinky folks. But I know my husband doesn’t feel threatened by my exes, and I know I enjoy having them around. It seems really important to me to have all those pieces of myself close by forever.