Feminists in BDSM

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My husband is a feminist. That means that he believes in equal rights for both men and women. I am also a feminist. This is hard for both of us because he is in the military. I can not tell you how horrible the other military spouses have been to me because I work, make more money than my husband, believe in enjoying sex, etc…

One theme comes up over and over. These women, when it comes right down to it, are close-minded and stuck in the 1950’s. They actually talk about how giving blowjobs is gross. Many of them insist that they would never do it. To them, a blowjob is kinky and scary and strange.

So I began to see a correlation of sorts; particularly when trying to date other men associated with the military (because that’s a whole lot of what there is in Guam.)

These men think feminism is a bad word, and they are afraid of me because I know what I want. They think going down on a girl is gross, and don’t have a clue how the female orgasm works.

And more and more I am beginning to see that kinky people are mostly feminists, and vanilla people are still fighting away at some silly “battle of the sexes” watching terrible comedians who mock women for being too stupid to get dressed on time, and mock men for being too stupid to load a dishwasher.

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So let’s talk about this.

First, my husband is able to load a dishwasher. He is not unable to do household tasks, and the idea that men are “too stupid for housework” is simply a trick men pulled on women to keep them in their place. Don’t fall into that trap, because that isn’t helping anyone.

A man can do anything a woman can do, and I know many men who are capable of cooking, cleaning, sowing, knitting, and all kinds of “girl” things.

Also, I can work on a car. I can shoot a gun. I can do all kinds of things that are “boy” things, and so can other women.

We are both capable genders with lots going for us. Maybe women take a little longer to get ready because shaving takes time and makeup takes time, and girl clothes are a pain in the ass. But if you mock a women for this, you may end up with one that doesn’t wear makeup or girl clothes or shave. So keep it in perspective.

Meanwhile, men are not often as adept at housework right off the bat because no one taught them. Women often endure a great deal of socialization by their mothers (“Let me show you how to do the laundry honey. You’ll need to wash your husband’s clothes some day.”) Men do not get that socialization and so they often have a steeper learning curve.

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None of this is in any way related to our value as humans.

Women are worth exactly what men are worth.

We are as capable.

The places I see these artificial barriers the most are with less educated and more vanilla folks. And so I just want to take a moment to thank my beloved BDSM community for being full of people smart enough to raise themselves up beyond the divisive bullshit and actually see what equality means.

If you are reading this blog, then I imagine you are a feminist. So am I. So is my husband. And the facts stand. We’re better in bed, we have more fun, and we treat everyone with respect. I hope someday the rest of the world catches up with us.

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5 thoughts on “Feminists in BDSM

  1. Technically I’m reading this because I’m a kinkster 😉 But I agree, yes, kinky people are often feminists. I don’t consider myself a feminist because I’m not active enough for that to earn that title, but in the kinky world, it’s hard to keep telling people that women “should” be this and that way – they can be any way they want to be. If a woman wants to be dominant, great. If a woman prefers to switch, equally great. If a man wants to be submissive, also ok. If a woman wants to submit to someone with a binary gender. Also great. To me, BDSM is, in theory, the perfect freedom for everyone to take whatever role they feel good with, not limited by the roles society or other people want to impose on them.

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