Anal Sex Tips

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Recently I found myself asked about how to approach anal sex, from the perspective of a female planning to peg a male. First, I would suggest hygiene. Some people go as far as have their submissive do an enema beforehand, which is helpful but not required. However, a shower is definitely called for beforehand, and it doesn’t hurt to shave or trim hair in the pubic area as well.

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It is also a good idea to suggest that your submissive use a butt plug for several weeks prior to actually trying to peg them, because they need to get used to the sensation. That’s because being relaxed is really important, and new sensations can be scary and cause people to tense up.

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Remember to take it slowly, and use lube on both the dildo and your submissive as well. Don’t rush, because tearing is painful and can cause infection. As long as you both remember to stay relaxed, you should have lots of fun!

Play Suggstions

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I get a lot of requests for suggestions on what to do with a submissive once they are tied up. To start, before you tie them up, it’s nice to start with petting, hair pulling, neck and ear biting, and running your hands along their body in a firm way. This starts putting them into sub space and getting them in the mood.

If you use rope to tie your submissive and need any help with that, Twisted Monk is the best! They have instructional videos and helpful hints.

For me, I am lazy and like to use gear ties, because they are quick and easy. Also, the rubber is soft and doesn’t leave any marks, but the steel cable inside is strong and nearly impossible to break.

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If possible, I prefer a hard point in a doorway or a low arch. This is because I enjoy having the submissive’s hands out of the way, with access to both their front size and back size. A hard point would be something simple like an eye hook screwed deep into a stud in your wall.

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You can also tie their arms in front of them (in which case you may want to tie their arms and feet together and then to each other just for fun.) Or, you can tie their arms in back. Depending on how you tie them, you will have access to different parts of their body, so think about which parts you want to play with first, and remember to switch it up a few times during the night so they don’t get sore from being tied in one position too long.

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When you have their hands above them or in front of them, that is a good time to try flogging and spanking. For flogging, remember to use a figure eight motion, and to start light and build in intensity as you go. Be careful to aim for the thickest fleshiest bits so that you won’t accidentally wrap the tails of the flogger around the submissive’s body, as this can amplify the force and cause the flogger to cut into the flesh.

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For spanking, you also want to be sure to focus on the fleshy parts. I think it’s fun to ask submissives to either count how many times I hit them, or to ask to be hit again after each stroke. I like to think that kink is as much in a person’s head as it is outside. So, if they have to say “Thank you Mistress, may I have another?” after each stroke, it adds to the intensity of the experience.

 

 

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If your scene involves sex, it’s good to change positions after play. For females, I like to use a vibrator on them (if they can orgasm from that) and if not, use my fingers or tongue to get them off. Once a female has an orgasm, they are much more open to different ideas. If your submissive is male, you wouldn’t want to let them have an orgasm because men tend to fall asleep after. But for females, you will definitely get more enthusiastic participation in any scene if you make sure they have an orgasm first.

Remember, talk to your submissive about what gets them off! Don’t just assume. Women are all very different, and this can sometimes make it a struggle to please them. That’s why you need to communicate. If you want to try some creative toys to help you, I recommend Doctor Exreme for some off-the-beaten-path ideas.

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Remember that before sexual contact it is always a good idea to get an STD test from them first, because many STDs are spread through skin-to-skin contact and so a condom will not be enough to protect you (unless it’s one of those full-body condoms from Eastern Europe.)

Also remember that not all scenes include sex; some are just play. Make sure your submissive agreed to sexual contact before you initiate it.

And finally, these are just a few ideas, although you can also have a lot of fun with butt plugs, riding crops, and canes; to name a few things. Whatever you do, as always, keep it safe, sane, and consensual.

Women and Sex

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This is not a kink post. This one is for everyone. I recently read this article, called “A Women’s Right to Say Meh.” And now I feel obligated to reiterate something I have said before, but which most men still don’t know.

Women do not cum from penetration.

It’s not that it doesn’t feel nice. It can. But it’s not how we get off. And I am so sick of men thinking that it is. Let’s examine a scenario:

A man and women find themselves deciding to have sex. The man is pushy about taking the lead (which pretty much always happens) and does a few things he considers foreplay in order to build to what he thinks of as sex, which is the penetration part. He sticks it in and thrusts until he gets off, and then whispers to the girl “Did you cum?”

(Most girls just read that and saw red as they remembered how much they hate that moment of sexual frustration and jealousy and misery right after.)

This plays out in bedrooms across the planet every day, and just writing that made me want to go punch a random dude in the face because I am so mad that this is still a thing.

 

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I don’t even have sex with guys anymore if they can’t tell me how a women gets off. I just laugh and tell them no. This makes it look like I don’t like sex; and that’s not true. I love sex. But I want to have an orgasm too, or what is the point?

The sexist thing a man ever said to me while text-flirting on a dating site was: “I want to tear your clothes off and lick you’re pussy until you cum all over my face.”

(I still get a little wet just thinking about it.)

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That demonstrated not only an understanding of female orgasm, but an enthusiasm for it. He wanted to do a thing to please me, and of course, that made me want to do things to please him.

Women are all different, so some of us can be kind of complicated. Female genitalia is not standardized, and so some of us like our labia played with, while some of us find it annoying. Some of us are okay with you using a finger in our ass while you lick our clit, and some of us are not. Different things feel good to different women. But the universal fact is that the sex organ we have which causes us to orgasm is simply NOT in our vagina. It’s not. Honestly. Look at an anatomy book. The clitoris is very real, and it lives above the vaginal opening. And if you don’t directly stimulate it, the woman you are playing with is not going to have an orgasm.

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When I tell most men this, they get angry. They insist that their ex could cum from penetration and that I am just being difficult. This is unfortunate, because it falls back to basic instincts, and how under it all women are just afraid to offend a man’s masculinity (a thing he defends with his life) and admit that they didn’t “get off” from his repeated thrusting. Well look; of course women can’t cum if you don’t stimulate the thing that causes that to happen. If I rub your toe over and over but never touch your penis, will you get off? No? Well there you have it. Plain and simple.

Often when women say no to sex, it is not because of the cultural nonsense that brands them a “whore” if they have sex and enjoy it. Many women are over the stupid social connotations and are willing to admit that sex is fun and they want to do it. But that doesn’t mean they want to have bad sex. If it’s just going to suck, what is the point?

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I think we have all had enough moments where we lay in bed next to a guy who has just got off from pounding our pussy, and he’s happy and euphoric from orgasm; and we want to stab him in the throat because he says “Did you get off?”

No. No we did not. We don’t just magically get off without help.

And some of the guys that know women don’t cum from penetration still consider it the woman’s responsibility. They say things like “why aren’t you touching yourself?” during penetration. Guys, for the record: Unless your penis is very, very tiny, I cannot masturbate while you’re thrusting. You’re in my way.

And who would want a repeat performance with a guy who thought he was “good in bed” because he told you to masturbate while he was busy trying to get himself off? My god! I would rather be at home by myself with a nice book or some porn and my toys. The whole point of having you there is supposed to be to make the experience better for me than it could have been if I was by myself. If you can’t do that, then why would I want you there?

The simple fact is that most men suck in bed.

That’s right guys. Most of you are awful. And unless you get better, there is no reason for us to want to have sex with you. If a girl seems “meh” about sex when you bring it up, that is probably because you didn’t bring it up in a way that appeals to her. So read some stuff online, look at a diagram of female genitalia, and learn how to please a woman. Then, let her know that you know how and that you are willing to do it every time.

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My very fondest memories of nights spent with a man was a guy who insisted that he wanted to get me off at least twice before “the penetration part.” Sometimes we never got to that part. Sometimes he would be exhausted after my second orgasm and just curl up with me and fall asleep. He was one of those rare guys who loves to watch other people squirm; a people pleaser who saw the female orgasm as a fun puzzle to solve. He was happy just making me happy, and for that, I would have followed him to the ends of the Earth and walked through fire to make him happy. Because, when a woman finds a man who is actually good in bed, she will do anything to keep him.

I once heard this piece of advice given to a boy:

“Now look; a women doesn’t want a man around all the time. Sometimes they find you an annoyance, because they would rather be in sweat pants eating ice cream with their girlfriends. A woman can easily find another man, and so she considers him replaceable. She’ll walk right out the door on you. But if you can please a woman in bed, she’ll have her hand on the doorknob, and she’ll turn around and decide to stay.”

This is true. In High School I was the girl dating the one guy who knew how to give good oral sex, and every girl in school tried to steal him from me once I opened my big mouth and told them about it.

Other guys at the school were confused. They had seen him in the locker room and, because they think women care about big penises, were always saying “but he’s got a small dick, why do they like him?” The answer, of course, was that the tongue that knows what it is doing is worth a hundred giant dicks. We can get a dildo for that part. We don’t need an actual man. But no sex toy made replaces the feel of gentle tongue stokes across the clit.

So anyway, because I have been trying to date lately and I have run into a few guys who are obviously clueless about the female orgasm, there it is guys. We don’t cum from your penis, so please stop assuming that we do and learn how to eat pussy.

Thank you!

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The Taming of Trudi

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I read this book at the request of a friend. The Taming of Trudi is all-out smut, with very little in the way of a plot. It is not as well-written as something like Anne Rice’s Beauty Series, but it is ostensibly based in “real life.” (As in, not an invented story world.) The story does present some real facts, such as highlighting that women don’t orgasm from penetration. This is something many men seem to be clueless about, so it’s a good buy for a boyfriend who needs some direction.

As someone who is not a submissive, I feel like I can’t give it a fair review. The main character is not only very submissive, but also very into spanking. Since those are things I only have a mild interest in, I maybe didn’t enjoy it as much as someone whose kinks lined up better with the main character.

However, if you are looking for smut with some realistic information about female anatomy, this would be a good book to check out. It’s certainly good as a coming out story, for anyone new to kink and trying to discover themselves.

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Generally Accepted Terms

I have lamented before that every community used different terminology for different things, and how this can be confusing if you travel a lot. Every scene has their own inside jokes. However, there definitely are some terms that are generally accepted in all scenes, and it’s important to get them right. People can’t make informed and consensual decisions if they are not properly informed of what is going to happen, after all. And we do always strive for safe, sane, and consensual fun.

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Munch: A munch is when a group of kinky folks get together in a vanilla setting. This often involves going somewhere that serves food, so the term “munch” refers to that. However, I have also attended munches at theme parks, disused prisons, and various other interesting locations.

Note: When you agree to go to a munch, you are expected to dress vanilla unless otherwise specified. It is mostly about getting a chance to meet people, and it is generally assumed that the discussion of kink will be saved for more private areas where no one can be overheard and “outed” by accident to a co-worker of family member.

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Workshop: This is when someone who has some sort of area of expertise chooses to teach the basics to others. This is generally in a private space, like a home or rented club. Dress as specified, because sometimes a group doesn’t want to attract attention, and will ask for vanilla dress. My favorite workshop that I have attended was at a public dungeon called the CSPC, and again, this was strictly for learning purposes. Play is not on the table for such events.

Note: When you agree to go to a workshop, you realize there will be frank discussions about kink-related things. A good presenter usually makes handouts, and sometimes brings another person to demonstrate a specific thing (for proper flogging techniques, I might bring my husband and demonstrate on him.)

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Play Party: For a play party, you can expect it to be at a private home because most are. Usually you will be invited to bring your own toys, and other people will bring theirs. It is okay to actually use the toys, and sometimes toys can be shared between consenting folks, so make sure to bring cleaning agents if you plan to bring toys and loan them out. Again, you may be asked to dress vanilla so as not to attract attention to the house of the host, or you may be invited to dress in kink attire. Always ask.

Note: When you agree to go to a play party, you are obviously consenting to seeing people naked. After all, a good flogging session doesn’t involve clothes. You will see other people playing. Note that you must always give a decent amount of space for a scene, so the Dom has room to swing things and not hit you. Remember that it is never okay to interrupt someone else scene or try to involve yourself if you were not invited, and it is never okay to touch someone else’s toys without permission.

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Orgy: These can be at swinger’s clubs like The Velvet Rope and Club Desire, or they can be at a private home. Generally it is expected that you will bring condoms (regardless of your gender) and that you will follow the same rules as a play party in terms of respecting someone’s space unless invited. Even at an orgy, rape is still not okay. Dress, again, depends on the host. Many people who host parties do not want their neighbors to know, so vanilla clothing is often expected.

Note: Going to an orgy does not mean you consent to sex. You can just go and watch. People are still expected to respect your personal space unless invited into it, and you should still negotiate all scenes before they take place. You are consenting to see people naked, but this does not mean you have to be naked. Remember to give everyone space and, as was the motto of Club Sesso, “Don’t be a creep.”

Remember: If you organize events, you need to use the correct terms. People need to know what they are consenting to in advance. You do not want to create an atmosphere where people feel uncomfortable, because this reflects poorly on the community as a whole, and no one should want to do that.