Comfort Levels



Everyone has really different boundaries.

First, let me use myself as an example:

For sexual contact, I am comfortable with having sex with someone after trading STD tests. I don’t need to go on a bunch of dates or have a complicated set of criteria met. I am happy to have sex with someone I don’t know well if it feels right.

However, for kink I want to know someone better. I want scene negotiations and enough discussions to be sure that we are compatible. Sometimes a person is very easy to talk to, and sometimes I need more time. It varies from person to person.

To be submissive, I need to know and trust someone really well. And, we have to click perfectly on all the things I need. Is that a lot to ask? Yes. But that’s where my comfort zone is.

Where any kind of work or professional relationship is or could be involved, I don’t want to play at all.

Now, that is just me.

Obviously some people will just have sex with a person they met in a bar. These “hookup” types are seemingly comfortable with the risk of STDs, or they don’t care about themselves enough to worry. I respect that they are in a different place than I am, but I could never do that. As someone in a poly relationship, I risk not only my life, but the lives of my husband and his girlfriends. I will never be attracted enough to someone to risk that.

Some people need a lot more time than I do. They want to spend many dates getting to know someone before even going to their home. Particularly for women I understand this, because rape is so common. These women call me “fast” or a “slut,” and I am fine with that.

My point is, comfort zones vary from person to person. I have a friend who thinks psychological play should be easier to consent to than sexual play. Her background makes this perfectly logical, and I respect that she feels that way. For me, I think psychological play is more intimate than sexual play because my mind feels more private to me than my body does. So, on this point we disagree.

However, no one is wrong. We all base our comfort zones on our experience. Since no two people can lead the same life, it isn’t likely you’ll meet anyone with exactly the same boundaries that you have. My advice is always to do your best. Search yourself to determine what is okay for you, and then ask others to respect that.

We’re all kinky in different ways.


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