Female Dommes

I get a lot of questions from women about how to dominate men. I have written a few posts about it before, but since everyone asked for more:

First: It is all about attitude.

I use music to get into the mood. I like Selfless, Element a440, Hardwire, Faderhead, and Children of Bodom. I find them to be very empowering bands. I put on my clothes and set up the scene I want to play while listening to loud music. Setting up a scene is really important because you want to have all your toys out where you can reach them. It breaks the scene up if you have to stop and go looking for something.

Second: It’s all in your head.

Yes, you can whip your sub. You can tie them up, blindfold them, spank them, and force them to pleasure you. There are definitely a lot of dominant actions that you can do to another person.

However, it’s not so much the whips and chains that matter. Most of BDSM is selling the idea that you are in control and helping your sub get into a headspace where they are yours. You can do this with words, actions, or whatever makes you feel comfortable. I like to make sure to push them into positions and manhandle them in such a way that they feel forced into each position, but like I said, you can also use verbal degradation or anything else you want.

Third: The problem with penetration.

There is definitely a perception that being fucked is a submissive act. The problem there is that men have penises; even submissive men. And they want to stick them in things. So how do you deal with that?

Well, one way is to take control of every aspect of it. Lay back and tell them exactly what to do. Instruct them on how fast they can go, make them stop when they are getting into it, and don’t let them cum without permission. Use subtle forms of control to ensure that even when you let a sub male penetrate you, they know that you are the one in control.

And of course, you can always get a strap on, lay down on the couch, and tell them to fuck themself. Make sure to use lube since boys don’t make their own.
Finally: Extras Help.

If you are having trouble finding your inner Domme, that’s okay. It’s not always easy. So start by buying yourself some sexy leather or vinyl so you can feel like you look the part. Get some fuck-me boots and practice walking in them.

Then get some toys. Yes, you can use rope or gear ties for cheap DIY bondage, but that won’t help you feel powerful (unless it does, in which case you rock!) However, most of us feel more empowered by leather cuffs. One, it eliminates the hassle of tying knots that your sub might get out of. Two, it looks cool and feel fun to put on them. And try out all the whips at the store until you hold the one that makes you feel like a Goddess.

I know, gear is expensive. And to some it may not be necessary or worth it. But I know that on the days when I am just not feeling it, putting on my vinyl helps. And so does pulling out and arranging my whips and cuffs and floggers and such.

This is just a few things that I find helpful, but as always, do your thing.


Las Vegas



I am off to the fabulous Las Vegas. It’s been one of my favorite places for most of my life, since I grew up in Arizona and it’s not a long drive to Vegas.

If you have never been, imagine visiting a miniature version of the entire world squashed into one small spot, and filled with slot machines and craps tables.




I don’t actually gamble, or even understand why people do. But that is not all there is to do in Vegas. I like the aquariums and the food, myself. But it is also a marvel of engineering and maybe the biggest monument to consumerism every built.

Anyway, I am going to speak at a conference, and I will be back and writing again soon!

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Kinky Romance



I just want to remind you that you should do me a favor and check out “Love & the Desert.

It’s the first in a trilogy of kinky romance novels. Featuring a strong female character, it highlights themes such as marriage not being the center of a woman’s life anymore, kink with vanilla people and how awkward it can get, and other important BDSM community concerns. It’s all set against the backdrop of a young girl’s struggle to live as a Millennial in the US.

The second book is also out:


The second book in the trilogy, “Love & the Rose City,” is a fun exploration of the Portland kink scene and of nontraditional relationships.

The series has an accompanying blog, which offers the writers thoughts on both writing and kink. And of course, don’t worry about being caught up and left hanging, because the third and final book in the trilogy is promised out this summer.

The third book will be called “Hearth & Home,” and should be a nice wrap-up to the series.


Female Empowerment


In the BDSM community we have a lot of empowered females, and we love them. Everyone loves a femdomme!

I like to think that we are not judgmental of women’s choices, no matter what they are. If a girl chooses to submit, then good for her! If she chooses to be dominant, that’s great! Whatever you want, the important part is to respect the female right to make choices.

Recently my friend sent me an article. He’s vanilla, and it sometimes blows my mind how vanilla folks seem a little behind in female empowerment. Have you noticed this?


To summarize, some famous person named Kim posed nude. Several women proceeded to tell her that she shouldn’t do that because it’s marketing and it’s objectifying women and all that tired stuff. There was some kind of twitter fight and everyone was angry.

So I just want to make my position on this nonsense very clear:

Stop judging women. If this was a man, no one would have told him that he shouldn’t pose nude. And then no one would have said those people were prudes. No one would have fucking cared, because men do whatever they want and no one judges them for it.

Women deserve the same respect that men get.

If some women think nudity is empowering, then good for them. And if they want to strip, get into sex work, or model, that’s their choice. Some women are shy about being nude even if they have nice bodies (I am like that.) And that’s okay too. And no choice you make for yourself has any bearing on the choices that other people make. We are all allowed to feel empowered by whatever we want. We are all allowed to be brazen or shy. And no one needs to shame anyone for their choices.

Stop telling women what to do with their bodies.

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Political Slut



I don’t usually get personal or political on here, because this is a blog about kink and our wonderful worldwide community.

However, as some of you know, I was born in the United States. I haven’t always lived there, but I do still hold a US passport.

And, as much as I hesitate to discuss politics in a forum such as this, I want to just say my piece about it, and I will ask you to forgive me because for more than three years I have worked tirelessly to provide you with good content to help you learn about kink. Allow me this one indulgence because in my country, it is an election year.


We increasingly live in a global community. The Internet allows us to communicate with people half a world away in an instant, and it’s become normal to interact quite often with people outside your geographic location.

As we become more connected, we will always have voices that cry out for isolation, fear of differences, and intolerance.

As kinky people, we are different. We are part of a minority that is often shamed and persecuted. And so, I believe it is out responsibility to stand up whenever we can against the voices that call for hate and fear over tolerance and acceptance.

I know some of you are also US citizens. Many of you will be voting in November. So please, keep this simple thought in mind. No matter how frightening differences may seem, or how worrying the news may be to you, you must keep in mind what we are. We are kinky. We are different. And all minorities like us deserve respect.

Let’s make sure that we are all registered to vote, and that we are all voting against voices that seek to fill us with fear and intolerance. Learn about your Senators, you judges, and your other elected officials. We are not just electing a President, but a new Congress as well. And every elected official who has power over us deserves your scrutiny.


And, because we are electing a President as well, let me paraphrase Penn Jillett for a moment:

In a leader, it’s important to have someone better than ourselves. If you kill my friend, I may want you to be put to death for it. But, in general, I would like to oppose the death penalty because it is barbaric. In a leader, we want someone who exemplifies our highest ideals, because as a society it’s important to always strive to be better, even when that can be very hard on a personal level. 

Let’s keep that in mind, shall we? I think there are a lot of angry people in the US, and that is understandable given the current level of income inequality, lack of access to quality healthcare, and poor education. Of course we are frustrated.

In spite of our frustration, let’s be sure that we are trying to chose people for all our elected positions who exemplify our highest ideals, rather than appealing to the worst in each of us.

Thank you.