Fetish Series: Clothes

loboutin-sky-high-heels-300x300

I know a guy who has a pair of high heels under his bed. They’re not for him. He just hopes to find a girl who will wear them. It’s sort of like a Cinderella fetish, I guess (since shoe size is a thing.)

4a186c11da59a1693e950e47a5dadf7e

Me? I am completely in love with leather and latex. I could watch people walk around all day in leather or latex clothes, because I think they are so amazingly sexy.

c39df53ecdcd933d6758ec860ae10b93

My Pet adores anyone in Goth clothes. His theory is that anyone gains two points of attractiveness when they are dressed up as a Goth. So a 6 automatically becomes an 8.

Fashion-Women-2015-Autumn-Winter-Sexy-Black-font-b-Latex-b-font-Catsuits-Rubber-Fetish-Skinny

And there are a lot of fetishes about clothes! Not just kink fetishes either. Lots of vanilla people are really into specific clothes that turn them on.

images

Here is a list of just a few of the many, many clothing fetishes out there:

-Hoods
-Masks
-Lingerie
-Leather
-Latex
-Uniforms
-High Heels
-Corsets
-Cross-Dressing
-Formed Feminization
-Collars & Cuffs
-School Girl Outfits

download

I guess you could say that School Girl outfits are uniforms, but I gave them their own category because it seems like every single guy on Earth has a Fetish about School Girl uniforms, though not necessarily about any other uniforms.

c994e4f2-d60a-457d-84e5-42aafcbce767

It seems like all clothing-related fetishes belong in the same category. And yet, there is often judgement when some people think that some clothing-related fetishes are “too weird.”

diaper-woman

Example:

“I am completely fine with school girl uniforms even though it sexualizes children, but adult diaper play is sexualizing babies!”

“I don’t think that women in collars and leashes are weird, but I don’t like it when a Domme makes her male sub wear a dress.”

download (1)

Now look; I know that you might not be turned on by a girl in a diaper, or a guy dressed as bacon. Maybe men cross-dressing isn’t your turn on, or you get a little uncomfortable with women in “men’s clothes.”

That’s fair.

ladybeard_thumbs

However, I would ask that you not judge people who like different clothes than you do. I think all of us have some kind of clothing fetish, even if it’s just a guy in tight jeans and a cowboy hat. Most vanilla people have clothing fetishes, too. So let’s try to be tolerant of the fact that everyone is into different clothes and that’s okay.

4694656898_107d225ac0

Fetish Series: Orgies, Swapping, etc…

ajnabee-wife-swapping

 

Note: There are a lot of monogamous people in the kink community. Being kinky doesn’t automatically make you polyamorous. So before I get into the non-monogamous fetishes out there, I want to acknowledge that fact.

Now, when it comes to group-style sex, there are lots of options, and lots of ways it has been done throughout history. I could never talk about them all. Let’s just stick to two so this post doesn’t get too long:

1. Swapping/Swinging: when you are part of a couple and you switch partners, either at a party or through some other means.

2. Orgies: This just covers group sex of various kinds, including even-ratio parties and other scenarios.

Swingers-Trial-Could-Victory-Sexual-Freedom-China

 

So first, let’s talk about swinging. Even vanilla people do this, and it’s actually really common.

One tradition of swapping that comes from the vanilla world involves putting all the husband’s keys into a bowl, and having wives pick out keys at random. This is called a “Key Party.”

Some people are attracted to this idea because they like the concept of sleeping with a completely random person. For them, it’s just about having new and different experiences.

Other times, people prefer to switch with someone they already know and are attracted to. In the kink community, you see a lot of submissives “loaned out.” One Domme might have a submissive that another Domme is interested in, and so they trade for the night/week/forever. There are varying levels of consent involved there, depending on what has been negotiated. For example, I can swap my Pet out for another pet, or even just loan him out because I want to. However, I wouldn’t give him away/swap him for more than a night. That’s just the arrangement we have negotiated.

Some submissives are really into being loaned out/swapped/or even sold at auction.

Although a key party is really different than a Domme loaning out her submissive, all these fetishes kind of fall under the same umbrella of switching/swapping.

free-xxx-gang-bang-pic-12037

 

Like the section above, orgies are also not exclusive to the kink community. There were plenty of hippy orgies back in the sixties, and vanilla people still get drunk at parties and do this sort of thing. In fact, I have been in a few vanilla orgies, so I know that vanilla folks still have group sex even though the sixties are over.

Many people like the idea because it involves a wide variety of people and experiences in a single setting. Of course, it is also involves a lot more risk of STDs, so you should make sure that you are aware and comfortable with the dangers.

Most orgies are planned, and involve and even split of males/females. However, gang bangs would also fall under the category of an orgy.

Many people who find the idea of group sex disturbing wonder why anyone would chose to do it. Here are some of the reasons:

Exhibitionism: Many people really enjoy being watched. For them, sex is more exciting when people can see. For some kinky folks who like humiliation play, being whipped/fucked in front of people can also play into their fetish, as the natural tendency is to be embarrassed by being seen naked or vulnerable.

Watching: Some people really enjoy watching their partner have sex. They can see facial expressions, body movements, and all the things that are hard to see when they are not at a distance. In addition, some people have a cuckold fetish, so rather than focusing on watching their partner, their interest is in watching their partner having sex with someone else.

Variety: Our instincts as humans tend towards variety. As we see in monkeys, females have an instinct to have many partners in order to have many different sets of DNA (and may the best sperm win) and males have an instinct to spread their DNA as far and wide as possible. So this is basically a way for us humans to indulge some very primal instincts.

There are more reasons that people enjoy orgies, but that should be enough to give you the basic idea of why it might arouse some.

abc_ntl_swingers_120521_wg

 

Obviously there are a lot of other ways that people enjoy sex with more than one partner. Every guy has given some thought to a MFF threesome, and in my experience, every girl has given some thought to a MMF threesome.

Actually, in the polyamorous community you often find a lot of triads or groups of people dating each other. This make sense if you may not get everything you want from one partner. For example, I am bisexual, so I enjoy having a boyfriend and a girlfriend. I am also a switch, so I enjoy having a Dom and a sub. That can be as few as two people or as many as four, and some of them may date each other as well. This is one of the many ways people may end up having sex in a group.

So again, remember to be tolerant of those with different fetishes. Your kink is not my kink, and that’s okay.

Fetish Series: Age Play

images

 

There’s actually a lot of fetishes covered in the term “Age Play.” So let’s start by breaking them down:

1. Adult Baby Play: This is when someone actually wants to be treated as a baby, including diaper changes and bottle feedings.

2. Daddy/Daughter Play: This is pretty common in the community, but not all “daughters” consider themselves to be “Littles.”

3. Littles: These are people who identify as young children, and have the fetish of being cared for by a loving parent.

4. General Age Play: Any role play where the people are different ages, such as a student and teacher.

Note: Of course there are millions of fetishes, and I can’t talk about every single one. Within the category of “Age Play,” these are some of the bigger subcategories, but this is by no means a comprehensive list.

tumblr_n76mvxMr4Y1sik736o1_500

“Age Play” is an umbrella for a lot of fetishes. To begin, what is Adult Baby Play? A website called The Daily Diaper offers a lot of good insight and stories, as well as a “personals” section for hookups, (if you’re interested.)

To start, let’s understand that to role play being a baby is to get in touch with a very primal part of yourself. These are people who are looking for bottle feedings, spankings, and to be admired and cared for like babies are.

When you think about it, this fetish sounds sort of comforting. Babies do get a lot of love and attention, and we all enjoy those things, right?

Note: Some vanilla psychiatrists see this as a reaction to not being loved enough as a baby. However, I think all of us can realize that there are plenty of people with good lives and happy childhoods who are part of the kink community. The idea that there has to be something wrong with you for you to enjoy kink is really offensive to me.

So, remember not to let vanilla doctors define your ideas of people in the community. Yes, some of us have issues that we are working out. But I know that for me personally, my kink is unrelated to the issues that I am working out as a human in the world. My kink is not a symptom of “being fucked up.” I just want to make that clear.

download
Daddy/Daughter is often lumped in with Littles, but they are definitely different in the eyes of the people who have those fetishes. As the blog “A Little Understanding” explains, there is plenty of room for distinction.

Those who enjoy Daddy/Daughter play see it as an extension of the Sub/Dom dynamic. The “daughters” identify feelings of submission with feelings of being young or vulnerable. The “daddies” identify feelings of dominance with a sort of male nurturing instinct. And so, this results in the Daddy/Daughter relationship.

For some, there is an element of incest involved. So, there are some “daughters” who play the molested child role and squeal “Daddy, you’re not supposed to touch me there!” The taboo is attractive to these people. However, it should be noted that not all Daddy/Daughter relationships are like this. Many sort of gloss over the incest aspect, rationalizing that they are “adopted” or some other story to disassociate the play with the idea of incest.

25_25riley-kilo0005

Another type of Age Play is the community of people who call themselves “Littles.” These are people who self-identify as children for some or all of the time. The picture above is of a Little in her room. Note the pajamas with feet, the teddy bear, and the pacifier. Littles often ask their mommy or daddy to buy them things, and they often create bedrooms that look like a child lives there. On the website Little Space Online, you can read personal ads and read message boards, if you want more information.

The important thing to remember is that it isn’t about the Sub/Dom dynamic the way that Daddy/Daughter play is. There are all kinds of Littles, but a defining feature is that they spend as much time in the “Little head-space” as they can, and don’t like to spend time in their “Adult head-space” where they are unhappy.

In a similar way to Daddy/Daughter Play, this is not a fetish about incest. Some people may make it about that, but the vast majority of the community glosses over that aspect, because it doesn’t interest them. I would consider incest to be a completely separate fetish that can occur concurrently with Little play, but often does not.

top-10-hottest-teachers-caught-sleeping-with-students

There are a lot of other age-related fetishes besides the main ones above. For example, many people enjoy role-playing a “student/teacher” dynamic. As a former teacher, I have never found this one very amusing, but I get it. Lots of people had a crush on one of their teachers in High School or college.

Most people think the Lolita phenomenon that is popular in Asia is considered a type of age play. However, all the Lolita girls that I have met are not role-playing being children, and simply enjoying dressing like them. There is no accompanying head-space for them.

Sometimes you have an age difference in a relationship that can feel a little like age play at times. A friend was dating someone old enough to be her grandfather, and while she mostly ignored the age difference, sometimes it crept into her perspective. She was the submissive in the relationship, but whenever a situation would remind her of her boyfriend’s age, she felt like the Domme for a second because she felt like she was caring for him and helping him understand a world that had passed him by.

Similarly, I am married to someone much younger than me. My son is actually pretty upset with me over this (but he should get over it because if I was a man no one would care.) I don’t often think of my husband as younger. However, sometimes I realize that he is when he says or does something, and I have a weird moment of feeling more like a mom than a wife. I try and push that feeling away pretty quickly though, because that doesn’t happen to be my kink.

So, there are a lot of things that the term “Age Play” covers, and we all have various levels of interest in various aspects of the fetishes.

Mainly, I would ask that if you meet someone who enjoys any of the fetishes above, please don’t judge. You may not be personally interested in their kink, but you should do your best to be understanding.

original

Fetish Series

fetishes_from_a_z

The BDSM community is a group of diverse people. We certainly have things in common, such as our agreement to be accepting of others, and to engage in safe, sane, and consensual play.

However, there is a phrase we often use: “Your kink is not my kink.”

This is meant to refer to the fact that we’re all kinky in different ways. You may be a Furry or a Little. I am neither of those things. However, that doesn’t mean that we aren’t part of the same community.

I get asked about different fetishes a lot.

I think that if we are all part of the same community, then we should probably know about each other’s kinks. We wouldn’t want to misrepresent someone else’s fetish to a vanilla person, right?

With that in mind, I am starting a series of posts on various fetishes. Hopefully by the time I am done, you will all feel very informed about different things that are out there.

Vanilla folks often make out various fetishes to be much more disturbing than they are, and they can be very judgmental about us as a whole. However, some folks in the community can be judgmental too; saying things like: “I am into bondage and impact play, but I think piss play is gross.”

It is my personal supposition that once you understand a fetish and why someone is into it, you will be more tolerant. This series will address that idea.

68f06e809bdd2a24eaf96e002566d69c

Staying Friends

friends

 

I try to always keep in touch with people who have meant a lot to me. And in particular, anyone who I have had sex with. After all, the many men and women who have had sex with me have seen me with my guard down. They know things and understand things about me that others may not. Plus, I think it is a sign of being a mature adult when you can handle seeing your exes socially.

And yet, not too long ago I told one of them to fuck off.

His name was “Pretty;” a nickname given by my friends because he was stunningly beautiful (and in their mind it was his only positive feature.) He and I had dated for the better part of 15 years. However, I refused to ever make him a primary because he was volatile and unpleasant around others. He mostly didn’t date other people at all for the 15 years he and I were together, and I mostly kept him as my “honored second.” (I did take a break a few times when he got really nuts.)

Over the years, I put up with him refusing to see a psychiatrist in spite of his problems. If I had to guess, I would diagnose him with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, and Anxiety. But of course, we will never know since he wouldn’t talk to someone. I watched him alienate everyone who tried to befriend him or date him for 15 years, and I patiently caught him when he fell. I even bought him a motorcycle and rented him an apartment when he failed at providing for himself. I paid his bills sometimes when he was short now and then, too.

However, he lied to me and betrayed me.

In my mind, that was that. I grieved for the relationship, and I let it go.

Recently he tried to contact me again. I thought of how I try to renew contact with exes after the mourning period, and how it would be mature of me to try to make nice. I thought of how he had been at so many of my shows and events that I had thrown, and he knew all my best stories. I thought of how he is unable to maintain relationships and so he must be lonely.

And then I told him no.

And you know what?

It was the right thing to do.

Yes, it was hard. But the thing is, he never did anything but throw tantrums in public, ask for money, and make poor decisions. And in the end he betrayed me in spite of all of my kindness. I realized that some exes should not be invited back into your life. Some of them really shouldn’t have been in your life in the first place.

The truth is, you can’t “fix” people, and you can’t help anyone who won’t help themselves.

It’s too bad, but that’s the end of that. Goodbye “Pretty.”

 

images

Shameless

download

I am a very proud person. I admit that. And that’s why this isn’t an easy thing for me to talk about. I have put off writing this post, because I really didn’t want to. However, I guess it’s about time that I bite the bullet, so to speak.

Producing content takes time and energy. When I first started writing this blog ages ago, I knew it would take a lot of my time, but some friends of mine kind of pushed me into it.

Now that I am getting several hundred views a day and reaching a lot of people, I realize that maybe my friends were right and this was a good thing for me to do. If I have helped you, I am glad.

However, time is money. And so my husband sort of convinced me to put this little Paypal button on the left, hidden under the page list. It’s been there for about a month now, but again, I haven’t said anything because I am kind of proud and I am pretty embarrassed about it.

Anyway, there it is. I have a Paypal button. And if you read my blog and it helps you, maybe you could consider sparing me a few dollars? I quit my job to write full time (I am working on a trilogy of romance novels about a girl finding her way into the BDSM culture.) While I am working on these novels I have no income at all, and if my readers could chip in a little, that sure would be cool.

Also, when I am done with the series I will be looking into publishers, so if you know any literary agents who might be interested, please let me know. I know you need an agent to sell your books, and I know you need a publisher to reach a large audience. So, any tips or advice is appreciated.

Okay.

That’s enough of me being a shameless promotions whore. Come back next week for your regularly scheduled content. And thanks for reading.

shame-600x250

My Kink Workshop for Vanilla Folks

images

 

I recently gave a workshop on kink to several vanilla people at the New Culture Spring Camp in Yucca Valley. It was the hardest workshop that I have ever given.

Here’s why:

1. Some of the people viewed kink as some kind of weird lifestyle and thought it was wrong or that kinky people were troubled or deviant. Of course, they also thought kink was all about pain and were unaware of the head space and the power exchange.

2. Some of the people wanted to “get into kink” in order to get dates. They said that their dating pool was small, and that they often got rejected by people who weren’t looking for vanilla.

3. Some of the people had dated folks who were kinky in the past and forced themselves to do kinky things that they didn’t enjoy for the sake of their partner.

Keep in mind; I have only ever done workshops for kinky people before. I talk about scene negotiation, specific fetishes, and all sort of other stuff; but I do this with folks who are open and accepting of the material because they are already kinky. I knew going in that this workshop would be a challenge, but I had no idea how much of a challenge it would be until I was actually giving it.

It turns out that I don’t even know where to start when trying to explain what kink is. If someone thinks it is all folks who dress up in animal costumes or whip each other with barbed wire, where do I even begin? Obviously I wanted to try to convey the fact that it’s a power exchange more than anything else. I wanted to say that not everyone even likes pain, and that there are a lot of different kind of kinks. And yet, with a time limit of an hour, I felt overwhelmed by the amount of material I would need to explain.

Don’t worry. I did my best to represent us in a positive light. I tried to focus on how we are an open and tolerant community, and how our motto is “safe, sane, and consensual.” I did my best to explain that we are not scary, nor are we dangerous. I wanted them to see us as normal people who just happen to enjoy different things in bed.

0527e74f394a5e5c5bfc3a58178806485a22f6-wm

 

The truth is, it was the people who wanted to “become” kinky to get dates that I felt the most empathy for. How many of us have found a person we really like, only to discover that they are vanilla? It is the subject of blog after blog, and article after article. On the BDSM subreddit there are always posts by kinky people who are trying to decide if they can be satisfied by vanilla sex because their partner is vanilla and won’t try anything kinky.

I hate to say it, but I think the sad truth is that we are born how we are born. I know that I was masturbating to kidnapping fantasies and spanking fantasies when I first figured out how to get off (around 5 years of age for most girls.) At the time, I didn’t even know what sex was. I didn’t know that boys had penises, and I hadn’t even discovered yet that I had a vagina.

(For the confused: women don’t cum from penetration, we cum from clitoral stimulation. I feel like I have to explain that because I know at least one person who reads this will wonder “how could she be masturbating before she found her vagina?”)

At many munches, we have gone around the table and talked about when we knew we were kinky. For all of us, it was when we were very young. Some folks even figured out that we were kinky before we knew we were gay/bi/straight. You don’t have to focus on what gender person is doing things to you in your fantasies if you are blindfolded.

For those who want to “get into kink” to get dates, I guess I have to pause and wonder if you can.

And then of course there were the folks who forced themselves to do kinky things to please their partners. It is not my place to judge what you do for love. Obviously you should do whatever you need to do to be happy. However, it did rub me the wrong way. It sounds so rapey to be pressured into something you don’t want to do, doesn’t it?

In the end, I walked away hoping that I represented myself as a normal human (not a scary monster) and that those vanilla folks at least thought of us in a more positive light. I don’t know if I succeeded or not, but I did my very best to be patient, enthusiastic, and positive.

I respect that some folks are just looking for vanilla sex. I am sure there are lots of exciting things to do within those boundaries. And, as kinksters, I hope we can all do our best out in the world to be respectful of vanilla people and to put our best foot forward, showing them the same tolerance and acceptance that we show each other. Your kink is not my kink, but that’s okay.

images (1)