Dating is a complicated venture.
I usually write about it from my own perspective as a polyamourous person in a happy marriage, and with several secondary relationships that I value. However, I have been asked a lot of questions about the subject from people in other places in life. This has motivated me to get back to basics and give some very basic suggestions.
First, it’s okay to have preferences. If you’r not into guys your dad’s age, don’t let anyone tell you that you are wrong for that. If you’re monogamous and need a monogamous partner, say so up front. Your needs and desires are all that matters when you are dating. Don’t let anyone bully you into a relationship that you are not comfortable with. This is really important because there are always going to be people that are not what you are looking for, but who insist that you should “give them a chance.” A relationship isn’t going to work if you aren’t interested.
Second, online dating is definitely a great invention. When you met someone at the grocery store, you could only base your decision to go on a date with them on their looks. Now, you can find out ahead of time if you have things in common, so you don’t have to worry about that awkward moment when yo realize the person sitting across from you is someone you can’t relate to on anything.
However, with online dating comes a lot of nonsense. A lot of people who you will talk to are frustrated, and they may take that frustration out on you. There’s the chance of getting a dick picture in response to “hello” as well. Just understand that it is a process and that if you work at it, you can weed out the bad ones.
Third, be honest about what you want. Most people, if they are honest with themselves, want the same thing: Someone to hang out and do stuff with, and to have sex with. We are sociable animals and we enjoy companionship.
Yes, it’s true that women are programmed to think about marriage by a bunch of really sexist propaganda in society. The same propaganda instructs men to believe that they are only supposed to want sex, with colorful saying designed to teach them to avoid attachments like “Hit it and quit it.”
However, if we are all honest, what we really want is someone to go on adventures with and watch Netflix with and have sex with. We want companionship, and we want it with someone who makes us feel sexy and special.
Be honest about the other things you want too. It doesn’t help anyone if you are really interested in dating someone of the same religion but you won’t admit it. No one wants to have their time wasted. If someone isn’t what you’re looking for, just be honest. I have ended a lot of dates with “We probably won’t see each other again, but it was nice to meet you.” And that’s okay. It’s alright when it doesn’t work out. Just be honest, because the longer you waste time on a bad match, the longer it will take you to find a good match.
So then there’s the sex. I want to start by saying that I am a magically delicious super slut, and sex has always been something of a hobby for me. I like to read about it, study it, and have it. I have slept with more than 200 people (maybe 3/4 guys but also women), and most of them were a passionate flings where we had sex all the time for weeks.
I wont go as far as to call myself an expert. I don’t have a degree in sex therapy or anything like that. There are experts out there (you can read about them in Bonk by Mary Roach.) However, I would go so far as to say that I am knowledgeable.
So please take my word for it when I say that the majority of women do not cum from penetration. It just doesn’t happen. I am sorry if your High School girlfriend faked a few orgasms and now you have an idea in your head of “how it is.” But if you think women cum from penetration then you have gotten the wrong impression.
Women mostly cum from clitoral stimulation. That’s just how we are made. And it is absolutely okay to ask her what she likes or how she gets off. It shows that you are a good lover who is willing to take an interest in the pleasure of your partner.
Now if we talk about sex, then we need to talk about safety. There is no such thing as safe sex, but the good news is that you can take steps to have safer sex. Condoms are a wonderful invention and you should definitely use them! Dental dams or saran wrap should be used for performing oral sex on a girl. And, it’s really best if you both get tested first and trade paperwork beforehand. I know that’s hard outside the kink community where people have actually yelled at me for not trusting them! That’s right. Strangers. People I had only been on a few dates with. And they wanted me to trust them with my life! I don’t even trust people I really love with everything all the time.
Look, STDs are spread through skin-to-skin contact and no method of prevention is 100% effective. However, I am pretty sure that it’s wise to take all the steps you can to protect yourself. I am not sure why I ever end up having to debate that.
Now, there’s the matter of who does what. I am so over gender stereotypes that I really don’t know. I mean, look; if you think you are a princess and you want someone to open doors for you and buy your drinks then, I dunno, okay. But that’s not most women anymore.
As an example, I always pay for dates. If someone wants to argue with me, then I will let them split the bill with me. However, I am a control freak and I don’t want anyone to ever think I owe them anything. I don’t even have credit cards, so trust me, this runs deep. No one will ever hold anything over my head. I wrote thousands of scholarship applications to avoid student loans. I am not going to have anyone feel like I owe them a thing.
Anyway, work it out among yourselves, but be honest. If you are a feminist but you like to have doors opened for you, then admit that. If you’re like me and you tend to lead rather than follow, be honest about that too. We are all mature adults who can negotiate how we relate to one another in a modern world.
And finally, it’s okay to walk away. You don’t owe anyone your time of attention. If you go out with someone and you don’t feel into them, it’s okay to say so, and to part as friends. I have definitely had a few dates where I realized someone wasn’t right for me. Recently a guys said “Gun free zones are why we have shootings.” He seemed like a nice guy, but for me, I just can’t handle people who advocate for more guns in the US. I am very political and if we can’t agree on politics, I can’t date you.
I once dated a guy who held very different beliefs from me. We dated for a long time and we fought a lot. At the time, I thought that it was normal and that all couples fought like we did. However, now that I have dated more and met more people, I have realized that it is possible to find someone that you’re not in constant disagreement with, and now my life is a lot more harmonious.
Don’t put yourself through years of hell with someone who wants to fight everything you think or everything you say. There are plenty of fish in the sea. If someone says something that sends up a red flag for you, just walk away. It’s okay to do that.