Dating Woes

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I sometimes use this blog to vent, and this is one of those times. I know first dates are difficult, and kink first dates are more complicated than most. And yet, even in a complicated subculture, I expect better than my recent meeting.

Recently I was talking with a guy off fetlife.com, and he seemed like a pretty decent human. I agreed to meet him because I hate wasting time chatting with someone for weeks on end only to find out that they are gross in person.

(In my opinion, this is an attitude that most people in their 30’s have. It’s a huge waste of time to message back and forth like teenagers while being nervous about meeting up. I just want to look people in the eyes and see if they are cool or not first thing.)

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We met in a park by my house (it’s a public place so I know I am safe, but not a place where I am obligated to buy anything because I am cheap), and that was when I realized that this guy was clueless.

I mean straight-up without a damn clue.

He had only ever watched kink porn, and it was obvious that he was conflicted about actually doing a kinky thing. It was also obvious that he didn’t look at people in the scene as people; but rather as nothing more than vehicles to fulfill a fantasy that he is ashamed of.

Not only that, but he confessed after some nervous pacing that he is married, and his wife doesn’t know that he’s even into kink.

Best part: I was supposed to just be chill with all those issues.

Like I said: Clueless.

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I didn’t even know where to begin in terms of saying “This really isn’t cool.” I knew it had to wait until he was not in the same place as me because his pacing made me think he could become violent.

So, I waited until we parted ways and then I sent him a message.

It would have been a public service for me to explain to him all the various things that he did wrong. On the other hand, I didn’t feel like getting into a long conversation about why you shouldn’t spend the first date only talking about what you want while pacing like a psycho.

In the message, I just told him that I wasn’t okay with the fact that he lies to his wife. (Which is true. If my husband lied to me I wouldn’t be happy at all.)

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BDSM requires trust, and honesty. That definitely means that you shouldn’t lie to your wife.

However, women who are kinky are also people. No really, we are people. So we aren’t really keen to hear all about your fantasies and all your selfish wants, rather than having you ask us what we are interested in.

You know what else: noobs suck. Be a decent human being and read up on the kink community first before you waste someone’s time on a date. Learn. Read. Get a clue. Don’t go out with someone from the community when you have never been to a single kink event, don’t know anything about it, and have a bunch of issues in your head about kink because you haven’t accepted yourself yet.

And finally, don’t act like a psycho. Pacing like crazy and being unable to talk like a normal person is weird. Don’t be weird.

Gods I hate dating.

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Fodder for Your Imagination

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Classic Damsel

Sometimes it can be hard to come up with ideas for scenes/kink nights. When that happens, I like to go look for things that inspire my imagination.

A great example I came across is this blog. The “40 Bondage Positions” are great because you can look at each picture, and imagine the things that you could do to someone when they were in that position.

From floggers and whips to butt plugs and dildos, and even a little teasing with feathers or other toys…

So if you were looking for ideas, that’s my suggestion of the moment, because it gave me a lot to think about.

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Box Tie

 

Free Speech in the Digital World

This seems like a really odd place to be writing about free speech. It’s a kink blog. What could kink possibly have to do with free speech, right?

Well, there have been some controversies involving Fetlife.com and free speech over the years. This is something that I have given a lot of thought to. I used to be a journalist, and so the first amendment has always held a special place in my heart, right next to dark chocolate and my favorite flogger.

The first controversy about free speech on fetlife came up after a girl was raped, and she wanted to out her rapist on her own page.

I get all the conflicting issues there. I realize that if the guy was not guilty then it could be considered defamation. I get that social media isn’t like sitting around a table getting coffee, because a third party (the platform) could be held responsible. I took enough law classes in college to see all the conflicts.

However, I was shocked at how unapologetic fetlife was about banning her without even finding out if charges had been filed or if her rapist had been convicted. They (the men running the site) were very quick to punish the victim without even a second thought.

The second free speech controversy that came up was when fetlife started deleting groups. For example, they decided that adult baby play was simply too risky for the site. Of course they cited reasons like legal risk and financial risk, but there is certainly a question as to how anything consenting adults agree to could be illegal.

Again, I know that people have said that it doesn’t matter because the groups can just use codes and only trade pictures/ideas/etc in person. I know people will say that we should all be terrified of the government and therefore censor ourselves before anyone tells us to. And, I know what everyone chants “better safe than sorry” because I remember what the community was like before we had the Internet and it sucked. I don’t want to go back to fliers in some scummy shop and walks down random alleys looking for secret clubs.

So I guess this brings me to the central question: How much freedom of speech do you ever really have right now as kinky people?

To be honest, it seems like we don’t have much.

And, if we want to protect ourselves in an environment where our browser history can now be sold and the President tried to find the address of people who mock him on Twitter, do we even want to speak freely?

My professor in Media Law was extremely insistent that no one should ever write anything down. As soon as you write it down, there is proof that you wrote it. It could be misconstrued and come back to haunt you, and so you shouldn’t do it.

The government is always watching, he said. And, you never know when they are going to decide that whatever you are into is no longer acceptable.

On the other hand, when I was in college, everyone I knew had a LiveJournal account where they poured out their hearts to no one every night when they went home. Friends posted pictures of their children doing embarrassing things with no thought to how those children would feel with those pictures online forever. And, sites like Myspace and Facebook were luring everyone into putting their entire lives online. Some people argue that when everyone’s entire life is online, it takes a whole lot to stand out.

An old woman once told me that society swings from conservative to liberal, and back again. The 1950’s were conservative and rigid, so the 1960’s were wild, she said.

So, I guess I have to wonder if data and freedom of speech online will be the same. Perhaps we were in our 1960’s just now with data, having virtual orgies in a time when the Internet was still the wild west and the government couldn’t track everything you did to an IP address and then arrest you.

Perhaps things are swinging back around to conservative now, and it really is a good time to be careful until we all get better at encrypting our computers.

The obvious solution is to push harder for mainstream acceptance of kink. We all deserve the right to talk about this stuff openly as part of our lives, just like someone would talk about any other aspect of their personality. We shouldn’t have to worry that it will be criminalized, or that someone will put people with a certain fetish on a watchlist.

I would encourage you to write to your Congressional Representatives advocating for protection of Internet browsing, freedom on Internet forums, and laws protecting our community. You don’t have to sign the letter or use your own return address. I understand the desire to be careful. But, put the request out into the universe even if it is anonymous. And if you are in a position to do so, maybe use your real name and address.

When censorship pushes, we should do our best to push back.

 

Honest Appreciation

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A fan wrote to me a little while ago, saying that he had read my post “Tell Them They’re Sexy” and thought it was good advice. He wanted a more exciting sex life, and so here are his words on what he did:

“I told her that she was pretty every day. Really. Every single day I told her ‘you look nice’ when I came home. And she didn’t warm up at all. In fact, she seems stiffer than ever.” 

Now, I thought I made myself perfectly clear in the post Tell Them They’re Sexy that mechanical praise would not get the job done. However, it seems that some people read my words of “find something you can really like about them and fall in love with it,” and you just didn’t take my meaning.

So for the record, I am not saying that you should repeat tired cliches like “You have the most beautiful eyes” or “I love your dimples.” These are the stuff of pulp romances and they are not said with feeling or meaning because they are too cliche for anyone to ever mean them again.

When I said you have to fall in love with things about your significant other and then vocalize that love, I meant it. You are not trying to win the award for best actor by selling a lie. You have to actually love things about the person who you want to inspire confidence in.

Really.

You have to actually love them.

Is that such a surprise?

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Let me explain this in a whole different way than I did last time so that maybe everyone will get it.

When I was around 12 years old I read a book that helped me to think in terms of the other person’s wants. The book is called “How to Win Friends and Influence People.” It was written in the 1930’s by Dale Carnegie, and revised for the modern reader in 1981.

I know for most girls it’s easy to think about life in terms of the wants of another person, since women so often change everything about themselves to fit into the world of a man they care for. This seems to be a basic instinct among women, and I am not sure if its evolutionary or societal, but I have watched it happen to many female friends.

For me, fitting into someone else’s universe was impossible when I was young. My world was huge and it took up all the space in any room or relationship. So I read this book, and it helped me to learn to think in terms of another person’s wants and needs.

This helped me make other people happy, which in turn made me happy.

 

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Note: Pardon my bad paraphrase, but I am afraid an exact quote would have taken five pages, as Dale Carnegie had a way of explaining things that took a very long time.

There is only one way to get a person to do what you want. It is to make them want to do it.

Sure, you can make them want to do it at the end of a gun, but they will stop the moment your back is turned. So the best way to get another person to do what you want is to sincerely make them want to do whatever it is that you need. 

The way to get others to want to do what you want is to express sincere appreciation for them and help them feel important. 

Let me use a direct quote for effect here: “No! No! No! I am not suggesting flattery! Far from it. I’m talking about a new way of life. Let me repeat that. I am talking about a new way of life.”

In other words, the book is saying that you have to change yourself.

Instead of spending all your time thinking about yourself and your own wants, you have to stop and remember that every person you meet, from your spouse to the clerk at Circle K, has a life full of wants and desires and hopes. And you have to take the time to consider those people- really consider them.

Once you consider a person, you might be able to begin to see things from their point of view. You might learn to appreciate their life, and in doing so, to appreciate them.

There is no shortcut to giving people sincere appreciation, and if you fail to do this, you won’t get anyone to care about doing what you want.

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This is what I was saying before in my original post. I may not have used the same words or examples, but in essence, this is what I was saying.

You can’t just tell a person that they look nice. That won’t convince anyone of anything.

Rather, you learn to love what there is to love.

For example: My husband is really dinky for a guy. He looks like you could fold him up and put him in a briefcase. His shoulders are so narrow that the military armor he has to wear needs to come in child sizes in order to fit him properly (and tragically, yes, they do make child-sized armor.)

Anyway the point is, this is counter to what most women want and what society glorifies.

And I will admit that in the past, even I have appreciated plenty of men for their broad shoulders and strong stance.

However, there are things to appreciate in a slight form and those are things that I have learned because of my husband.

He didn’t happen to come in a tall or broad package. This is the package that the person I love came in. And as such, it is the package that I learned to love.

Now, I appreciate the way that he looks so adorable curled up in ball. I appreciate how I can hug him and just wrap all of me around him. I appreciate that his slight stance has given him the most adorable little butt.

And here’s the important part: I tell him these things.

I learned to appreciate him for who he is and the body that he lives in, and I tell him how I feel all the time.

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If you want someone to really feel comfortable around you and to open up and be fun, this is what you have to do. It is the only way.

Like I said, there is no shortcut to making someone feel appreciated. You actually have to learn to appreciate them.

How long does this take?

Well, my favorite boys and girls have all appreciated me for what I was right from the start.

Who doesn’t love a man who will undress you slowly while telling you why they love each new part of you that they are seeing? I have little love handles, and I love when someone can see them and kiss them and love them right away; rather than avoiding looking at them or touching them (which makes me feel like they are ashamed of the parts of me that they don’t like.)

I have been impressed right off the bat by someone who will undress me with praise and appreciation for every part of me, and then make sure I get off twice before they suggest penetrative sex. Those are the keepers.

However, even if this doesn’t come naturally to you, it’s not as though you can’t learn. Really! Read this until it becomes clear, and start learning to appreciate your partner (or if you don’t have a partner, then start making plans for when you do.) There is no reason why old dogs cannot learn new tricks! In fact, people are learning new things every day and becoming better for it. You can too!

Whatever you do, don’t get discouraged if you don’t see results right away. Sometimes a person you meet might have been torn down a lot by people or events in the past, and they might then have a pretty big wall around them. You will have to break down that wall over time with love and affection, and that might be a bit of a challenge. Just know that if you really appreciate them for what they are, you will win them over before too long.

And then? Well… that’s when the fun begins.

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