Sex with Friends

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Recently a friend asked me to have sex with her husband. He is attractive, funny, and smart. We have been friends for a few years and it’s not like it hasn’t crossed my mind before. Once, when we went on a vacation together I happen to see him in his hotel room in less than a full compliment of clothing, and it was not an unwelcome sight.

You might think: If someone is attractive and you are interested in having sex with them, then where is the problem? Well, here is a brief list of the problems:

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1. My friend is a little insecure. I love her and I don’t want to say anything bad about her, but it is still true. She worries about how she looks, and about what people think. She second-guesses the meanings of what people say. (No really, I just meant what I say. I wasn’t implying anything.) And in general, she doesn’t feel as good about herself as I would like if I was going to sleep with her husband.

2. The request was probably motivated by her feeling guilty. She is dating. He is not. I think she thinks that if she finds someone for him to sleep with, it will alleviate her guilt about having feelings for someone else. Obviously if her husband consented to her dating someone else, then she has no reason to feel guilty. But the thing is, a person cannot control how they feel. And furthermore, they are not always aware of how they feel. The issue is that in my opinion, it is more likely that me sleeping with her husband would make her feel jealous than it is likely that it would alleviate her guilt.

3. I am not sure that her husband is actually interested. I never caught him looking. He doesn’t really talk to me in social settings. And I would hate to think he felt pressured into it because I really prefer to sleep with people who want to sleep with me. (Is there anything sexier than being desired?)

4. And finally, I think it would mess up our friendship. My husband has already stated that he thinks it would be awkward to sleep with my friend (it came up when I said she was looking for a play partner.) I don’t want her to have any reason to think about that too much, or to have any reason to have unkind feels towards me, or my husband, or her husband. I don’t the four of us to hang out and have it be awkward. And yes, I think that would happen in this situation (but I do not discourage sex with friends because it usually works out for me.)

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I want to stress the fact that I don’t think that it is impossible for two couples to be friends and also have sex with each other. It’s absolutely possible. However, the friends in question have never been really open about sex. It’s not something we talk about with them. They like to play card games and talk about nerdy things, which is totally cool. But sex has not been a subject that ever came up over the Thanksgiving turkey before. In fact, I think last time we had them over for Thanksgiving, we spent most of the time talking about our jobs. And that is cool. It’s nice to have friends like that. We value their friendship.

However, since sex never really comes up in conversation, we don’t know how open they are with each other about it. We don’t know if they talk about it and check in with each other and would be chill about having sex. They probably are super open and have a really healthy relationship where they talk about everything. But we don’t actually know that, so there is room for doubt. And doubt leads to worry that if they happen to be less open, then there could be room for miscommunication. I do hate miscommunication.

So then there is the other problem.

See, I have just explained why I don’t want to have sex with her husband. That leads to the next problem of telling her. Sleeping with someone’s husband can pose all kinds of problems. On the other hand, so can NOT sleeping with someone’s husband. I don’t want to offend them. If she wasn’t straight I would sleep with her. If I thought it wouldn’t fuck shit up, I would definitely sleep with him. I think they are both attractive and cool people. So it’s no offense meant. It’s just… maybe not the best idea.

Wish me luck.

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FAQs for The Magically Delicious Super Slut

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I write a lot about common questions related to BDSM.

Today I want to address some common questions that are posed to me personally by people who read this blog. Call this my FAQ that I never thought to write until now:

1. Will you have sex with me?

The answer is probably not. No offense. I just got old at some point and really tired of bad sex. In my old age (30’s) I am looking for people who already know what they are doing, will provide me with a clean STD test prior to sexual contact, and can approach me with a better line than “Will you have sex with me?”

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2. Are you a prostitute? 

No. I worked at a dungeon when I was younger doing non-sexual scenes and workshops. I never did sex work.

These days, I write kink books, do workshops, and occasionally agree to a public speaking appearance. However, I should note that I think sex workers are wonderful people and I fully support the decriminalization of sex work.

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3. How do I make friends in a new scene?

I always suggest getting on fetlife.com and finding the local groups in your area. If you get on there and don’t see anything, maybe that is a cue for you to be the one who starts something. It’s not like a munch is a big commitment of time or money. Just make a post suggesting a meetup at a coffee place or something, and make sure the post is a week or two before the date of the much because some of us don’t get on fetlife much.

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4. Why can’t I find a play partner? 

The biggest problem seems to be that you are new to the scene, have been fantasizing about kink for years, and are now looking for someone to fulfill your fantasies.

Stop obsessing over yourself and your own fantasies, and start focusing on asking what other people are interested in.

Oftentimes the people who tell me that they can’t find a play partner are stuck in a place where they are finally “ready” to find a kinky partner, but they haven’t really gotten far enough to realize that we are people. As such, we all have our own wants and desires and are not objects to use to fulfill your fantasies.

If you can remember that, you should do just fine.

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5. What if I am only ready for an online relationship?

I will be honest: Anyone that has been in the kink community for a long time is probably not looking for an online relationship. I don’t even talk to people online to “get to know them” anymore. If their profile looks okay, I insist on coffee or lunch right off the bat. I will not waste my time with someone only to discover that we are not compatible in person.

Remember, online relationships are most beneficial to people who are not ready for a kink relationship in person. If someone is ready for a kink relationship in person, they will go have one.

So if you want someone to “dominate you online” and tell you when to wear your butt plug or how often you are allowed to masturbate, THAT is the kind of thing you are likely to have to pay for. You might check back page or silk road or somewhere like that to find a Domme who will be in an online relationship with you. It’s not illegal since there is no money-for-sex, so it’s not that hard to find.

But for the love of all the gods both living and dead, do not ask ME for an online relationship. I have way too much going on, and I am not interested in relationships unless they are mostly about sex. I have no need for an emotional connection with anyone. I am married and have a boyfriend. That is quite enough for me without wasting my time in a relationship where I won’t even be having sex.

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6. Why are you so mean?

This is usually the response I get after someone writes me with an unreasonable request, and I tell them that their request is unreasonable.

Example: This guy wrote to me saying “I would like you to accompany me and my (Asian) girlfriend to Club Desire this week.”

Let’s unpack that statement because there is a lot here.

First: If you check my location, you will find out that I live in Guam. Yes. I wrote about Club Desire. I wrote about it when I lived in Korea. I don’t live there anyone.

Second: I don’t care what you want. I am sorry, but I don’t. I am a busy person with a lot going on, and I simply don’t have time to care what you want. As a general rule, if you want people to care what you have to say, never ever start with telling them what you want from them. No one cares.

Third: I am deeply offended when a white guy starts dating an Asian girl and feels the need to tell everyone “My Asian girlfriend…”

Look; Asians are people. That girl that you only identify as “Asian” also has a family and a job and a whole life. She might be a writer or a translator. She might be an engineer or a truck driver. She is not an object to be fetishized as simply “Asian.” If you do this, I immediately assume that you are a racist piece of shit that can’t see beyond someone’s skin color.

Forth:  And finally, he said “this week.” What kind of person only makes plans a week in advance?!? Look I am busy! I make plans at least two weeks in advance.

Bottom line: Don’t be a douche, okay? You being a douche is why I am mean. That guy was so offended that I wrote a polite response declining his invitation that he harassed me for an entire day with messages until I actually found out who he was, discovered he was in the air force, and sent his harassing messages to his commanding offer with a complaint about his behavior. If I could have found his mom’s e-mail address I would have sent them to her as well.

And that is why I am mean.

I am constantly harassed by assholes who think I owe them something because I write a blog about kink and they want to have kinky sex. I don’t owe you anything. I write this blog for free in my own time because I am a nice person and I want to help educate people. I don’t get paid to do this. I certainly don’t owe you sex because I do it.

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7. What are you really like?

To be honest, I have no writer’s “Voice.” What you read is what you get. This is just me. I am probably nicer in real life because I am human. Humans tend to be nicer to people they know and value as friends than they are to strangers on the internet. But otherwise, this really is pretty much who and what I am.

And that, I think, sums up the answers to the most common questions I get in my inbox. If you want to ask me something more interesting, my e-mail is still: ladyvioletemail@gmail.com

Being Outed

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Some of us who are kinky choose to tell the world, and are totally comfortable with it. My friend told everyone when he was a military contractor because they already thought the IT guys were weird, so why not? I respect that he could live like that, being “out” to vanilla people. However, it’s not something I ever wanted for myself.

At my last job, my boss was friends with someone who was dating a friend of mine. (It’s a small island and these things happen.) My friend is sort of new to the kink scene, and I don’t think it ever occurred to her that I would be really unhappy with being “outed” at work. So, she told my boss that I wrote kinky novels.

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Honestly, I hated that job because of it. The awkwardness was completely unreal. My boss refused to let it go, and got really sexually harassy about it. He mocked me in staff meetings saying things like:

“You can type up a report on that, right? Just make sure not to add anything about whips or heaving breasts!” 

Then everyone would laugh in an uncomfortable way.

This went on for months, and I was relieved to leave that place. While it was going on it was something I felt a lot of anxiety about and I didn’t know how to handle it because none of my requests for my boss to lay off seemed to have an effect. I started with:

“You know, my friend really shouldn’t have told you about that. Now that you know, would you mind keeping it between us? I am not really okay with anyone knowing. That is why I don’t write under my real name.”

However, he completely ignored me and made sure to work in a comment about “heaving breasts” at literally every opportunity, no matter who was around. I know I should have sued for sexual harassment. Please don’t comment on this and ask me why I didn’t. I just don’t have it in me to fight a legal battle like that. They always treat the woman like a pariah who “can’t take a joke” and the man like some poor guy who is nice and sweet and never did a thing wrong. I cannot deal with that.

So instead, I dealt with the harassment and I let it happen and I didn’t do anything. I am weak, and I am sorry to all the women who deal with sexual harassment that I didn’t take a stand. I should have.

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The point of telling this story is three fold.

First: Never ever out someone to another person without their consent. It a person wants to be “out” about their kink, that is their choice. It is not anyone else’s choice. If you saw someone at a munch and then you see them again in different company, don’t bring up the munch! If you know someone who works with someone you know is kinky, don’t talk about it! It’s a violation.

Second: Sexual harassment sucks. If you are a woman reading this, you have my sympathy. If you are a man reading this, please start taking this kind of thing seriously. It is not okay to dismiss women who say they feel uncomfortable with your “jokes.” I am sorry, but it’s just not.

Third: My name is Lady Violet and I am a Dominatrix and a kink author. That is how I am in my community and that is how I am on my blog. However, in my mundane life I have a different name. I am not “out.” I get enough new people in the community asking me questions and being awkward. I don’t need it from the vanillas as well. So if you know me, please don’t ever out me.

For those who are out: Thank you so much for being brave enough to represent our community to the world! Thank you for patient explanations in interviews with the media and in life! I used to be that patient, but now I am older and crabbier. All of us in the community appreciate you!

Birthday Slut

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It is my birthday as a blogger!

I started this blog in August of 2012, and it’s been five years!

I admit, sometimes I want to go back and delete the posts from five years ago because I hadn’t really found my voice yet. Other times, I like to keep them there to show how far I have come.

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I want to thank every single one of you who take the time to read all the things that I write. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate you. When my friend Chris talked me into starting this blog five years ago, I was sure that no one would care.

Somehow, I now find myself with hundreds of views per day, as well as comments and e-mails all the time. I can’t believe this little blog has become so successful, and it all because of YOU!!!

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Anyway, happy birthday to the Magically Delicious Super Slut. Here’s to five years of tips, tricks, and angry rants about kink. |

If you want to wish me a happy birthday, you could look for the Paypal button and make a small contribution to help my pay to renew my domain name, or just to help me keep writing.

I appreciate every contribution I get so much! And yes, the rumors are true, I definitely spend a lot more time e-mailing people who have donated than people who have not. It’s only fair.

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Thank you so very much to all of you. Your support means the world to me.