Recently a friend asked me to have sex with her husband. He is attractive, funny, and smart. We have been friends for a few years and it’s not like it hasn’t crossed my mind before. Once, when we went on a vacation together I happen to see him in his hotel room in less than a full compliment of clothing, and it was not an unwelcome sight.
You might think: If someone is attractive and you are interested in having sex with them, then where is the problem? Well, here is a brief list of the problems:
1. My friend is a little insecure. I love her and I don’t want to say anything bad about her, but it is still true. She worries about how she looks, and about what people think. She second-guesses the meanings of what people say. (No really, I just meant what I say. I wasn’t implying anything.) And in general, she doesn’t feel as good about herself as I would like if I was going to sleep with her husband.
2. The request was probably motivated by her feeling guilty. She is dating. He is not. I think she thinks that if she finds someone for him to sleep with, it will alleviate her guilt about having feelings for someone else. Obviously if her husband consented to her dating someone else, then she has no reason to feel guilty. But the thing is, a person cannot control how they feel. And furthermore, they are not always aware of how they feel. The issue is that in my opinion, it is more likely that me sleeping with her husband would make her feel jealous than it is likely that it would alleviate her guilt.
3. I am not sure that her husband is actually interested. I never caught him looking. He doesn’t really talk to me in social settings. And I would hate to think he felt pressured into it because I really prefer to sleep with people who want to sleep with me. (Is there anything sexier than being desired?)
4. And finally, I think it would mess up our friendship. My husband has already stated that he thinks it would be awkward to sleep with my friend (it came up when I said she was looking for a play partner.) I don’t want her to have any reason to think about that too much, or to have any reason to have unkind feels towards me, or my husband, or her husband. I don’t the four of us to hang out and have it be awkward. And yes, I think that would happen in this situation (but I do not discourage sex with friends because it usually works out for me.)
I want to stress the fact that I don’t think that it is impossible for two couples to be friends and also have sex with each other. It’s absolutely possible. However, the friends in question have never been really open about sex. It’s not something we talk about with them. They like to play card games and talk about nerdy things, which is totally cool. But sex has not been a subject that ever came up over the Thanksgiving turkey before. In fact, I think last time we had them over for Thanksgiving, we spent most of the time talking about our jobs. And that is cool. It’s nice to have friends like that. We value their friendship.
However, since sex never really comes up in conversation, we don’t know how open they are with each other about it. We don’t know if they talk about it and check in with each other and would be chill about having sex. They probably are super open and have a really healthy relationship where they talk about everything. But we don’t actually know that, so there is room for doubt. And doubt leads to worry that if they happen to be less open, then there could be room for miscommunication. I do hate miscommunication.
So then there is the other problem.
See, I have just explained why I don’t want to have sex with her husband. That leads to the next problem of telling her. Sleeping with someone’s husband can pose all kinds of problems. On the other hand, so can NOT sleeping with someone’s husband. I don’t want to offend them. If she wasn’t straight I would sleep with her. If I thought it wouldn’t fuck shit up, I would definitely sleep with him. I think they are both attractive and cool people. So it’s no offense meant. It’s just… maybe not the best idea.
Wish me luck.