Halloween

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I could go around all year round dressed like a Dominatrix; but I don’t.

This is because of one experience when I was young, which led me to move through the muggle world in plain clothes and change on location every day after it.

I was driving home from a night at the dungeon, and I was in a short skirt, fishnets, a corset, and very tall boots. I got pulled over by a cop who was presumably very bored, since I was doing less than five miles over the posted speed limit.

His attitude was okay when he first walked up, but once he had a good look at my outfit he became a total dick. He claimed a car matching my car’s description was reported stolen and that he was going to impound my vehicle. He told me to get out and start walking. This was at 3am on the side of a freeway. The nearest off ramp was more than a mile.

I did protest, but he just kept yelling at me. So eventually, I gave up and walked to a payphone (this was in the days before cell phones were a thing.) It took me more than an hour and I had blisters all over my feet. I am very lucky that I wasn’t snatched off the road and raped or killed. (And yes, I later filed a complaint, but that doesn’t change the fact that I wouldn’t have faced the prejudice in the first place if I didn’t look like a Dominatrix when I was puled over.)

The point is: 364 days a year people look at me like a freak unless I go around in plain clothes. But on one special, magical day of the year, I can go out of the house dressed as ME.

Happy Halloween!!!

Face-to-Face

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Most of the time, I try to have sex with other kinky people. However, sometimes there are limiting factors. For example, when I lived in South Korea the kink community was pretty small, and no one in my town was in it. If I wanted someone to hang out during the work week, I needed to find a person to date in my own town.

So I found a vanilla guy who was nice. Now of course, I wrote in the Orientation Series about how sometimes kinky people enjoy a little vanilla sex, so this should not shock you. However, it turns out that having vanilla sex with kinky people is different than having vanilla sex with vanilla people.

Or at least, it was for me.

This guy wanted me to look into his eyes during penetration. Now I will admit up front that penetration isn’t my ¬†favorite part of sex. I am female. That’s not how we get off. My favorite part of sex is the part where I get off, just like everyone else. However, beyond that, I don’t actually know why people look into each other’s eyes during penetration. His answer of “you just do” really wasn’t sufficient, but he was indignant that I didn’t feel comfortable doing it.

In fact, perhaps “indignant” doesn’t cover it. He said I had serious psychological issues and that I needed to see a therapist because I wasn’t “normal.” It was very hurtful.

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You might think “What is the big deal? Why didn’t you just open your eyes?”

Well, the answer to that is simple: I open my eyes when it makes sense to me to do so. If I am running a scene, I need my eyes open. I can’t hit something that I can’t see, after all. I sometimes have my eyes open to watch someone go down on me, as well. During threesomes and orgies you mostly need your eyes open so you can make sure not to bump into others…

These are all good reasons to open your eyes.

I even have moments where I can remember that it felt really passionate to lock eyes. For example, once my husband and I were sharing a girl we both really liked. We locked eyes over her chest, and there was a lifetime of words and thoughts in that single, perfect moment. I was happy on my own, and he was happy on his own, but together we were somehow so much happier than we could have been on our own because we were sharing the experience together.

So there are lots of times that I open my eyes during various parts of sex.

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However, during the penetration part I don’t tend to open my eyes.

There are about a million reasons and there is no need to detail them all. For me, I think it all boils down to the fact that I just don’t find that part of sex exciting. I can enjoy it. Particularly if I just had an orgasm, it can feel good while my clit is still swollen. However, there just aren’t a lot of nerves in the vagina and I always think of the penetration part of being, you know, for the guy.

Think of it this way:

Lesbian porn is all about girls fingering other girls and penetrating them with toys, right? Because men run the porn industry and men can only think of sex in terms of penetration. They desperately need to think that we love that part of sex.

And yet actual lesbian sex is nothing like that. When two girls get together, it’s more about kissing, licking and touching various areas of skin, and going down on each other. Sometimes a finger or two might go in here or there, but lesbians rarely bother with any toys. That’s because for women, sex centers around our orgasms. And in spite of all the nonsense men are taught, we have orgasms from clitoral stimulation.

So I guess the reason I don’t want to look a guy in the eyes during penetrative sex is mainly because it’s forcing me to play into his fantasy. If my eyes are closed I can be in my own world thinking about sexy things so that I can feel aroused. If I open my eyes, I have to stare into his and pretend that penetration is my favorite part because all my genitalia really want is a big, hard penis inside.

And look, I don’t want to have to cater to male fragility in bed.

I feel the same way about penetrative sex with a guy as they feel about going down on me. Exactly the same. Whatever thoughts a man has had about going down on a girl; those are the thoughts I have about the penetration part. I’m not going to get off from it. But, I am turned on by thinking that I am helping you have an orgasm. Sometimes I am bored because you take forever. Blah Blah same shit men think about going down on a woman.

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A Unexpected Conversation

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Part of my month-long vacation this summer involved going to see some old friends from college. After some adventures, we ended up sitting at a Denny’s late into the night and talking about “how we really are.” When the girls found out that I was in a poly-amorous relationship, they immediately unleashed a torrent of jealously at me.

I should note, these are not kinky girls. They are what I would consider to be pretty vanilla and normal (all things considered.)

And yet, when I mentioned that my husband and I occasionally slept with other people, they were overcome with wonder and asked me how I managed to convince him to allow such a thing.

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Now of course, that is just silly. I didn’t have to “convince” him and he doesn’t “allow” it. It is just who he was when I met him. It is also how I am, and so it worked out nicely for us.

At that Denny’s at 3am, the more the girls described their experiences with their husbands, the more I became convinced that being poly is an orientation. My college friends are hard-wired like me, to want multiple partners. And unfortunately, their husbands are not.

This made me curious how common it is in each sex, and so I did a bunch of digging. It doesn’t seem that the topic has been studied yet, so if you know a social scientist looking for a thesis idea, please suggest it to them. In the meantime, my anecdotal evidence will lead me to suspect that it is more common in females.

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If being poly truly is an orientation (as many have suggested,) then I guess that means it’s something you can’t talk a partner into if you want the relationship to last. You either have to find someone who is, or become comfortable with being monogamous. At least, that is how it would seem to be.

It’s funny because when I first realized I was poly, I suspected that everyone was like me, but they were all pretending not to be. I held on to that belief for a long time, and used to get annoyed when people told me that they just couldn’t imagine it. I would blame their religion or their upbringing, and imagine that they were being held back from something they really wanted deep down.

However, after years of running workshops and counseling people on everything to do with sex, I am convinced that some people really aren’t into sleeping around. They just want one human to call their own, and consider that to be enough. I think that is really just how some people are.

Thank all the gods both living and dead that I found a mate who wasn’t monogamous.

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Travel and Sex

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There are two kinds of vacations.

1. Number one, you go to some all-inclusive resort and relax in a nice hotel room and just enjoy life. All you have to do is roll around in bed, and maybe order room service.

~OR~

2. Two, you are visiting a thousand people and all of them expect gifts and pictures and fun adventures like going on a hike and there are cars to rent and early meetings after late nights and you don’t get to rest for even a moment the entire time.

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Now, I am all kinds of down with having sex on the first kind of vacation. When I can bring music to play, have time to shave, and am rested and happy.

However, this last vacation had me pretty much constantly at my wit’s end. No one would rent us a car, my kid is on drugs, my granddaughter grew up a lot while I was away and I missed it, my family reunion was chaos where the children didn’t give me a moment’s peace, and absolutely nothing went smoothly.

Like, absolutely nothing.

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I didn’t have time to shave, which left my armpits hairy.

I know some women who are bold and brave are fine with that, but I grew up in the 90’s as a Goth kid and even the boys shaved. I can’t feel sexy with hairy armpits.

Not to mention that there was absolutely no time to trim the hedges, if you know what I mean.

And that certainly left me feeling ugly.

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Then there is living out of a suitcase!

Normally I put coconut oil in my hair before I snorkel so it doesn’t get really gross from all the salt water. However, my coconut oil exploded all over everything in my suitcase, because of COURSE it did.

And that coconut oil also doubles as lube since I have been dry lately because of a hormone imbalance (also not sexy, right?) So that was not good.

Not to mention the lack of eyebrow scissors and mousse and other things you can’t have on a plane.

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Look, I lived on the streets when I was a teenager because my parents kicked me out.

And, I learned something about how demoralizing feeling gross really is. It’s just so awful to feel disgusting.

Oh, and food is limited as hell on Guam. So naturally, I ate every berry I came across as well as salmon and breads and all kinds of things I missed.

It is really not good for your digestive tract to suddenly switch your diet that drastically, but I couldn’t resist all the foods I had missed eating.

So, that led to other un-sexy issues.

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And finally, I didn’t bring any lingerie, or sexy clothes, or a speaker to play music. I had no way to set a mood or get into my groove like I do at home. (There was no room for such things in my suitcase since it was a month-long trip and I had to prioritize.)

I don’t know how to explain how much I lament that this is how it is, but this is how it is. Travel is a mess.

So I think before my next trip I should just be as clear as possible to everyone:

If you want to have sex with me, come to my house.

Sorry, but that’s just how it has to be. I may travel a lot, but I am old and crabby and it’s not as easy as it used to be.

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Fantasies

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Do you have any of those memories that you always get a little worked up thinking about? You know the ones, where it was just so hot that you still fantasize about it?

Me too. And they are not always about really kinky things like whips and chains and violet wands. Sometimes, they are just about a moment that stood apart from the overall experience as particularly awesome.

Once such memory is from when I was dating a guy in the air force who had a really big dick. I mean, it was enormous. He always said that he hated blowjobs because they were all teeth and not enjoyable. And of course, no one could suck on more than the tip anyhow.

So I tried a bunch of different positions over the course of our relationship, and one night I found the one that worked. I was on my back on my living room table, with my head hung over the side. Just like in this picture, actually:

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Not that I am as hot as the porn star, but during really good sexy times I definitely feel like that. And I know it was good because he has brought it up since then.

Thinking of it now reminds me of another time when I brought home two guys from an element a440 concert. I know most girls only dream about that kind of thing, but I am a Magically Delicious Super Slut, so I actually did it.

At first it was kind of awkward because they didn’t want to be naked in front of each other. So, I just took my clothes off, got on the bed, and started touching myself. They were able to get into it after that…

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To be fair, scientists theorize that women are hardwired to want to mate with as many partners as possible, to ensure a competition with the best man winning. The joke goes: some women confess to gangang bang fantasies, and the rest are lying.

For centuries men have tried to foist modesty on women, but when the science comes in, we tend to be the freakier sex with more wild fantasies.

In a recent study it was discovered that women search for more brutal and abusive porn than men do. The scientists were absolutely shocked and scandalized (since they were all men) but women kind of blushed and didn’t comment. We know what we are.

I guess the point I am making here is that I love getting lost in fantasies of past conquests. And, I want to do all these things again!  I would love to do a gangbang some day, as well. I have already done an orgy and that was a fun experience, as well as swingers clubs and sex parties (also good.)

If anyone wants to share a sexy moment that they still think about often, or a fantasy that they have, post it in the comments. It would be interesting (and probably helpful) to know more about what my readers are into.

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