There are two kinds of vacations.
1. Number one, you go to some all-inclusive resort and relax in a nice hotel room and just enjoy life. All you have to do is roll around in bed, and maybe order room service.
2. Two, you are visiting a thousand people and all of them expect gifts and pictures and fun adventures like going on a hike and there are cars to rent and early meetings after late nights and you don’t get to rest for even a moment the entire time.
Now, I am all kinds of down with having sex on the first kind of vacation. When I can bring music to play, have time to shave, and am rested and happy.
However, this last vacation had me pretty much constantly at my wit’s end. No one would rent us a car, my kid is on drugs, my granddaughter grew up a lot while I was away and I missed it, my family reunion was chaos where the children didn’t give me a moment’s peace, and absolutely nothing went smoothly.
Like, absolutely nothing.
I didn’t have time to shave, which left my armpits hairy.
I know some women who are bold and brave are fine with that, but I grew up in the 90’s as a Goth kid and even the boys shaved. I can’t feel sexy with hairy armpits.
Not to mention that there was absolutely no time to trim the hedges, if you know what I mean.
And that certainly left me feeling ugly.
Then there is living out of a suitcase!
Normally I put coconut oil in my hair before I snorkel so it doesn’t get really gross from all the salt water. However, my coconut oil exploded all over everything in my suitcase, because of COURSE it did.
And that coconut oil also doubles as lube since I have been dry lately because of a hormone imbalance (also not sexy, right?) So that was not good.
Not to mention the lack of eyebrow scissors and mousse and other things you can’t have on a plane.
Look, I lived on the streets when I was a teenager because my parents kicked me out.
And, I learned something about how demoralizing feeling gross really is. It’s just so awful to feel disgusting.
Oh, and food is limited as hell on Guam. So naturally, I ate every berry I came across as well as salmon and breads and all kinds of things I missed.
It is really not good for your digestive tract to suddenly switch your diet that drastically, but I couldn’t resist all the foods I had missed eating.
So, that led to other un-sexy issues.
And finally, I didn’t bring any lingerie, or sexy clothes, or a speaker to play music. I had no way to set a mood or get into my groove like I do at home. (There was no room for such things in my suitcase since it was a month-long trip and I had to prioritize.)
I don’t know how to explain how much I lament that this is how it is, but this is how it is. Travel is a mess.
So I think before my next trip I should just be as clear as possible to everyone:
If you want to have sex with me, come to my house.
Sorry, but that’s just how it has to be. I may travel a lot, but I am old and crabby and it’s not as easy as it used to be.