Most of the time, I try to have sex with other kinky people. However, sometimes there are limiting factors. For example, when I lived in South Korea the kink community was pretty small, and no one in my town was in it. If I wanted someone to hang out during the work week, I needed to find a person to date in my own town.
So I found a vanilla guy who was nice. Now of course, I wrote in the Orientation Series about how sometimes kinky people enjoy a little vanilla sex, so this should not shock you. However, it turns out that having vanilla sex with kinky people is different than having vanilla sex with vanilla people.
Or at least, it was for me.
This guy wanted me to look into his eyes during penetration. Now I will admit up front that penetration isn’t my favorite part of sex. I am female. That’s not how we get off. My favorite part of sex is the part where I get off, just like everyone else. However, beyond that, I don’t actually know why people look into each other’s eyes during penetration. His answer of “you just do” really wasn’t sufficient, but he was indignant that I didn’t feel comfortable doing it.
In fact, perhaps “indignant” doesn’t cover it. He said I had serious psychological issues and that I needed to see a therapist because I wasn’t “normal.” It was very hurtful.
You might think “What is the big deal? Why didn’t you just open your eyes?”
Well, the answer to that is simple: I open my eyes when it makes sense to me to do so. If I am running a scene, I need my eyes open. I can’t hit something that I can’t see, after all. I sometimes have my eyes open to watch someone go down on me, as well. During threesomes and orgies you mostly need your eyes open so you can make sure not to bump into others…
These are all good reasons to open your eyes.
I even have moments where I can remember that it felt really passionate to lock eyes. For example, once my husband and I were sharing a girl we both really liked. We locked eyes over her chest, and there was a lifetime of words and thoughts in that single, perfect moment. I was happy on my own, and he was happy on his own, but together we were somehow so much happier than we could have been on our own because we were sharing the experience together.
So there are lots of times that I open my eyes during various parts of sex.
However, during the penetration part I don’t tend to open my eyes.
There are about a million reasons and there is no need to detail them all. For me, I think it all boils down to the fact that I just don’t find that part of sex exciting. I can enjoy it. Particularly if I just had an orgasm, it can feel good while my clit is still swollen. However, there just aren’t a lot of nerves in the vagina and I always think of the penetration part of being, you know, for the guy.
Think of it this way:
Lesbian porn is all about girls fingering other girls and penetrating them with toys, right? Because men run the porn industry and men can only think of sex in terms of penetration. They desperately need to think that we love that part of sex.
And yet actual lesbian sex is nothing like that. When two girls get together, it’s more about kissing, licking and touching various areas of skin, and going down on each other. Sometimes a finger or two might go in here or there, but lesbians rarely bother with any toys. That’s because for women, sex centers around our orgasms. And in spite of all the nonsense men are taught, we have orgasms from clitoral stimulation.
So I guess the reason I don’t want to look a guy in the eyes during penetrative sex is mainly because it’s forcing me to play into his fantasy. If my eyes are closed I can be in my own world thinking about sexy things so that I can feel aroused. If I open my eyes, I have to stare into his and pretend that penetration is my favorite part because all my genitalia really want is a big, hard penis inside.
And look, I don’t want to have to cater to male fragility in bed.
I feel the same way about penetrative sex with a guy as they feel about going down on me. Exactly the same. Whatever thoughts a man has had about going down on a girl; those are the thoughts I have about the penetration part. I’m not going to get off from it. But, I am turned on by thinking that I am helping you have an orgasm. Sometimes I am bored because you take forever. Blah Blah same shit men think about going down on a woman.