They’re Tied Up: What now?

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Pre-Scene Ritual

So first, there are pre-scene things you should do. I have written about them before. They are things like discussing scene ideas with your partner, making a welcoming setting with music and toys laid out, and attending to personal grooming such as cutting finger nails and filing off the rough edges. Particularly when bringing in a new person who wasn’t into kink, I recommend a BDSM checklist as part of your pre-scene preparations.

Over time, these pre-scene things often become a ritual which helps you to get into the right head space for kink. Getting into the right head space is really important, so focus on making your pre-scene ritual a time when you gear up for what you want to do.

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Restraints

For most submissives, some sort of restraint is required to get them into their head space. So, you’ll want to consider your options. You can always go quick and dirt and tie someone up with gear ties. They are great on a budget and they are really effective. I use them a lot, because even after 20 years in the scene, I am not trying to be fancy.

That’s just me. You do you. But there is sometimes beauty in simplicity.

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If you want to put more effort into the restraints part, you can buy cuffs and clips and go that route. There are lots of different kinds of restraints if you are willing to spend the money. Spreader bars can be used between cuffs, as well as chains. And you can always clip the cuffs directly to one another if you feel like making your sub into a pretzel for a little while.

You might go all out and make or buy furniture to attach cuffs to. Spanking benches, stocks, and St. Andrew’s Crosses can all be fun. Of course, furniture can also be extremely pricey and take up a lot of space. It’s hard to hide from children, too. Because of this, furniture isn’t for everyone.

If you can’t have furniture at home, remember to look up local dungeons online. You may find that there is somewhere within driving distance where you can try out a sex swing, cross, or spanking bench.

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If you want to be really, really fancy, you can learn shibari and make tying your sub up a prominent part of the scene. This works fine all on its own, or it can be done in conjunction with installing hard points around the house to suspend your sub from or to tie them to.

Remember that shirabi can be dangerous and you can really hurt people if you do it wrong, so learn from competent professionals online or at your local dungeon.

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Scene Ideas: Orgasms

Once your sub is restrained in the method of your choosing, you can move on to other things. If your sub is a girl, I highly recommend that you start with orgasms. People can withstand a lot more pain if they are in a state of arousal. Personally, I am not lucky enough to be one of those girls that can get off from vibration. We’re all different and that is just my cross to bear. And, since fingers are too rough, I require direct clitoral stimulation with a tongue.

Some of my favorite scenes where I was the submissive started with a few orgasms from some very devoted boys who had talented tongues. God bless all the fabulous boys and girls who love to eat pussy. You are the real heroes.

If your girl is lucky enough to get off from vibration, you have options! There are lots of vibrators on the market. However, just skip them all and get the magic wand. I have played with a lot of girls, and I know that it’s a matter of force. The magic wand has the most force behind it, and therefore it does the best job. I know some men get hung up on big vibrators (“It’s bigger than my dick and I don’t like that.”) But just get over it because her orgasms aren’t about you.

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Remember: Unlike men, women only need a minute or two in between orgasms. So you only need to take a brief pause instead of a 20 minute rest.

If your sub is a boy, you don’t want to let him have an orgasm. Men cum, and then they wilt. It’s really boring. That doesn’t mean you can’t tease him. You can! But if you let him have an orgasm, that will probably require a long pause in the scene or be the end of it.

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Scene Ideas: Impact Play

There are lots of different things that you can use for impact play. Be creative if need be! A wooden spoon from the kitchen is a totally valid toy for impact play, as are books in place of paddles. If you are on a budget or if you are traveling, you can use anything.

I have some homemade toys, which were gifts from people (because DIY BDSM can be fun.) For example, I have a ping pong paddle given to us by friends. They covered it with a plastic material with the word “Pet” cut out of it, because that is what I call my husband. They also gave us a homemade whip which is from a material that looks like faux alligator skin.

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I go for simple with restraints. I like gear ties. However, when it comes to impact play, I love my whips and floggers. I think for me, the look of the toys themselves is one of my fetishes. I love the way a flogger looks draped over a chair. I love the way it looks being slowly dragged across someone’s skin. I love the way it looks flying through the air. They are beautiful toys, and from the first time I saw my first flogger, I have been totally hooked.

Remember that with whips and floggers, a steady pace and a figure eight motion is best. Start slow and gradually build intensity over time. With paddles you can also build intensity, or you can go hard and take breaks in between.

The key is really to watch your sub. I had a girl who wanted me to straight-out beat on her for as long as I could with a flogger. The harder, the better. I hit her until my arms were sore and she begged for more. However, some subs are more into the suspense than the actual pain. For them, you want to pause a lot to let them absorb the fact that they are restrained and being hit, and let them enjoy it. It’s often more the idea than the pain, so keep that in mind.

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Scene Ideas: Pushing Your Sub

You also want to do things to push the limits of your submissive. This can mean face-fucking them until they cry. It can mean tightening the nipple clamps until they scream. It can mean working your way from inserting a finger to inserting your entire fist. Get a violet wand and electrocute them in various sensitive areas.

Your goal as a Dominant is to put your submissive into sub space. The restraints are a good start, and so are all the other toys and play. But in the end, you are probably going to need to push their limits in some way in order to really push them into the head space that they want to see.

Remember: You should never push them beyond the boundaries that you have agreed on in your scene negotiations. If they say “no fisting” then you don’t do it. 

However, within the boundaries that your sub has set, it is good to push them as much as you can so that they feel properly abused.

This can mean different things to different people, so you may want to Google and go through lists with your sub and talk about new and different ideas.

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Scene Ideas: Untie Your Sub

Of course the stereotype for BDSM is tying people up and hitting them. It’s what they write about in all the books. However, anything at all can be kinky if you do it in a kinky head space. You may untie your sub and tell them to serve you a glass of lemonade because you need a break. As long as they get the glass, pour the lemonade, and present it to you in the mindset of a sub, it’s still part of the scene. In fact, service-oriented subs often love the chance to make you a sandwich, pour you a drink, serve you your food, and then rub your feet while you eat.

Don’t be bound by the restraints. I know it’s easy to get that way if you learned about kink from popular culture. However, kink is a mindset. Anything at all can be kinky if you make it that way.

Order your sub to kneel for you so you can use them as a foot stool while you watch TV. Order them to rub your feet. Order them to do the helicopter with their penis if they are a boy, or to bounce their boobs for you if they are a girl. Whatever you can think of that would be degrading to them can be fun.

Some people prefer to call this “training,” (as in teaching your sub how to crawl around.) I think this has been built up a lot in books, but it’s not everyone’s fantasy. Personally, I find it to be cumbersome and not as interesting as watching a girl cum over and over or watching a boy squirm while I hit him. However, some subs read a lot of Anne Rice and really want to be “trained.” So, that is another “off leash” activity, if you will pardon the borrowing of a dog-training expression.

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Scene Ideas: Talk

Remember that falling into silence is often the mark of a lazy Dom. Most subs prefer you to talk to them. For example, if you are torturing them by stretching them wide open, maybe narrate as you do.

“Oh look, now I have three fingers in your tight little pussy. I bet you like that, you little slut. And now we’re up to four fingers. Do you like that? Oooo, now I have my whole fist inside of you. I bet you love being stretched open like the whore that you are.”

That kind of thing can help to  make a sub feel like they are being included in the scene. Sometimes a sub can disassociate and disengage (so it’s almost like everything is happening to someone else.) Talking to them keeps them with you in the scene, and forces them to confront the things that are happening to them. That can help push them into sub space more quickly.

Now of course, check with your sub about this. Not all of them like to be talked to. Some prefer to disengage from a scene and just let things happen to them. This is why BDSM is not a one-size-fits-all kind of thing where you can use the same moves on everyone. Each person will have different preferences, and part of the fun of kink is learning the ways that new people want to be tortured.

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After Care

The most important part is After Care. Make sure that you cuddle your sub after each scene. Let them come down from the endorphins.

Once they are calm, it’s always a good idea to talk though the scene and see how they felt about various parts of it. If they felt really excited by the violet wand, but really turned off by the animal-tail butt plug, you want to know that for next time.

A lot of times I run into guys on fetlife.com or on dating websites who want to just play one scene or just have a one-night stand. This is antithetical to everything kink, in my opinion. A good kink relationship involves getting to know someone and learning to know them. A sub has to get to know me to know the right way to get me off. A have to know them to know the right way to hit them. It all takes time, and learning and negotiating is part of the fun.

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Women Get Bored Too

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I was talking to a guy on Fetlife who is married, but whose wife doesn’t know he is on there. Basically he messaged me to ask if he could come to an event, admitted that he has a wife, and said he would lie to her about coming.

He seemed to think that people on Fetlife should have no problem with cheating, (because obviously kinky people have no morals?) I was pretty offended (obviously) by that bit. So I told him:

You should tell your wife. Kinky people are not cool with infidelity.

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However, let’s set the issue of morals aside. There is something else I want to talk about.

This guy said that his wife was perfectly happy in their marriage, and that she was not kinky or curious. He said she was a virgin when they got together, and she is never bored with him. He said he just knows that she adores him. But of course, he said he was bored with her, so he needed to cheat through Fetlife “to get what he needed.” That is about the point when I could feel my blood boiling up inside of me.

Obviously, I don’t know these people personally.

But, I do know the facts.

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Women struggle more with monogamy than men. There is plenty of evidence that many women are more likely to report their relationship as “happy,” but that the sex is lackluster.

Sometimes women mistake a lack of sexual excitement for “falling out of love” and then mistake sexual lust for the next person they meet as “falling in love.”

No matter how you slice it, the truth is that women are just less likely to enjoy monogamy (according to science.) Even in a recent conversation with some of my vanilla girl friends, I found that they were very open to swinging or dating outside the marriage.

To sum up, more women report being bored and not feeling sexual desire than men. That is just a fact that we know, and it means that there is a higher chance that your wife is bored than you.

In fact, if you are bored, science can almost guarantee that your wife is.

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So the point is: Talk to your fucking wife/girlfriend/whatever. Don’t make assumptions about how another person feels. That is never okay.

Also, when I told Cheating SOB (this guy’s screen name) that he should just talk to his wife, he asked me what he should say.

First, recognize the fact that: I don’t know your wife! You know your wife. I bet you know better how to bring things up with her!

Generic Advice:

Do some laundry. Cook. Clean. Take her to dinner. Have sex. And after sex in the dark, ask her if she ever feels like the romance is gone, or like she’s not as attracted to you as she used to be. Let her know that it is okay to be honest.

Then, ask her how she would feel about trying new things in bed that she might be interested in. Ask if she has any fantasies. (Yes, it does have to be about her if you want it to work. Keep your own shit to yourself for awhile until you do some stuff she wants.)

If you are interested in being poly, as her if she would ever consider dating someone else. Make it clear that she would date someone else first before you, so you could both see how you felt about it. Because if it is your idea, then it should be her who tries to go on dates first and her who has sex outside the marriage first.

If and only if you are both okay with that, then you can start to date.

This way it doesn’t feel like a free-for-all or a competition, but rather, a careful and considered growth in the relationship.

So what is the key to getting your spouse to try new things in bed or to open up the relationship? Make the focus on what they want instead of being a selfish ass. I think we can infer from Cheating SOB’s screen name and the fact that he is trying to hook up with people off Fetlife that he is a self-centered narcissist. But if YOU are not a self-centered narcissist, then I think this can easily work for you.

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When Domination is Abuse

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Background:

There is a guy named Justin who I put up with harassing me for quite some time before I decided not to take part. He was a friend of friends, and I felt like I had to put up with him in order to avoid offending people I care about. He does (pretty mediocre) leather work under the alias “Justin Sayne,” and is involved with Star Fucker Promotions of Arizona. Pictures of him are including in this blog, so you can make sure to do the kink community proud by shunning this abusive person.

And now, on to the story:

This person, named Justin, was abusive to me for over a year. I fell into that awful and shameful behavior of ignoring it because he was part of the kink community in Arizona (where I am from) and I hate to make an enemy. I admit now that this was wrong of me. I compromised my principles by allowing this person to talk to me and interact with me at all after I suspected him of being abusive. I regret that. It is wrong of us to humor these people and let them live among us as equals when we know what they are.

Anyway, I finally had enough when he threatened to “really hurt me” because it “is his super power” and started stalking all my online content for the last eight years, trying to find a way to hurt my feelings. (This was prompted, by the way, by me giving my opinion on something a friend said. He does not like it when women have opinions at all.)

The point is, he displayed a variety of extremely abusive, sexist, and violent behavior when he went after me. He thinks it is okay to act in this way to any female he encounters because he “is a Dom” and “a sadist.” (And he is not really either of those things.)

As a Dominatrix who has spent 20 years in the kink scene in several different countries I want to be very clear right now:

Being abusive IS NOT being dominant.

Full stop.

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I know that people can get abuse and dominance confused. Many a sub have fallen prey to an abusive man because he played it off like it was just him being dominant.

Remember: Your submission is a gift, and you should not give it to anyone who does not respect you.

Signs That Your “Dom” is Abusive:

1. Your “Dom” does not listen to you, or becomes upset when you express an opinion.

2. Your “Dom” says things that are emotionally hurtful, such as that you are fat, or that you are stupid, or that you are too emotional to know what you want.

3. Your “Dom” ignores limits that you have set, whether hard limits or soft limits. They tell you that they know what you can handle better than you.

4. Your “Dom” does not demonstrate a fundamental respect for you, including treating you like an honored pet rather than property (outside a scene of course, because within a scene you may want to be treated as property.)

5. Your “Dom” does not demonstrate care. This is not just about listening to you during after care at the end of each scene. It is also about demonstrating care to you at all times, from complimenting your looks to expressing appreciation for your submission. You should feel love and gratitude from anyone who claims to be a dominant person.

6. Your “Dom” is constantly trying to look for your emotional weaknesses in order to exploit them. This is absolutely wrong! A good dominant will build you up, NOT tear you down.

7. Any other behavior which makes you feel hurt or damaged rather than encouraged and appreciated.

So here is the abusive guy I am talking about:

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This is Justin. He is single (obviously,) never went to college, and wants to take out his insecurities about those things on YOU.



A real Dominant may hit you, and they may enjoy hitting you. They may love the look of pain on your face, and get off on seeing you squirm and struggle. However, that is all part of BDSM and in the context of a scene. It is hurting you in physical ways, and only within boundaries that you, as a sub, have given.

If someone is lashing out and trying to hurt you emotionally, or hitting you outside of the context of a scene, that is abuse.

I understand that there are times when these lines become blurred, but there are also plenty of times that it is crystal clear, and you need to realize that and be mindful of how you are treated.

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Another picture of Justin, who probably thinks he is very funny for this, but likely is also deeply insecure about how fat he is, and that is thumb is likely about the same size as his cock. And he wants to take out those insecurities on YOU.

So, you may ask, why do people act abusive? 

People act abusive because they have unresolved emotional issues. For example, since Justin demonstrated a completely unfounded hate for me being educated and a hate for any woman who has an opinion, we can assume a few very obvious things:

1. Justin probably had a mom who was poor, and who used drugs or alcohol. She was probably unstable, and mentally and physically abusive. He has not made peace with this and is obviously still letting his past imprison him, so he is trapped helplessly in a reactionary state of hate for all women.

The irony is that if he stopped trying to hurt women and realized that most of them are good and not abusive, he would then be able to have a genuine emotional connection with a women. I think it’s obviously that making a genuine connection to a woman is the best path to heal his wounds, since he is really just upset that he didn’t feel loved by his mom.

So, by hating all women and constantly assuming that they are stupid and inferior, he is actually preventing himself from having the one thing he truly needs to heal, which is the love of a woman.

2. Justin obviously was not educated. He may have gone to High School, though I doubt it was a very good one. However, he never got into a University, and he never learned much more than the most basic things. This lack of knowledge caused him to need to tear others down so that he can try to seem superior (therefore covering for his insecurity.)

Sadly, he has tried to cover for his lack of education by reading fringe literature which is based on nonsense. This only makes the problem worse, because now instead of simply being ignorant, he is saying idiotic things that embarrass him and make his deficiencies more obvious.

What I did before I was able to get scholarships and work towards more education and travel was to listen. I listened to anything that anyone said! I told myself that everyone knew something that I didn’t know, and I looked at every conversation as a way to learn something. If Justin were to view things this way, he could improve.

Unfortunately, he is too insecure to listen to others. He looks at his life as a fight against everyone where he is constantly needing to prove himself, and it is all to cover up his subconscious understand that he is inferior as a person.

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This is not a good person. This is someone who shames our entire community by treating women as less than human. He is abusive, and he takes out his own issues on everyone around him.

How can you be better? 

Let’s say that you looked at the section above, and you realized that sometimes you also feel like you are trying to prove your worth to others. That is wonderful. The first step on your journey to being better is to recognize that you are insecure and that you do feel like you need to prove something to other people.

If you feel this way, it is because you (like Justin) have unresolved issues. You can deal with this simply by figuring out what those issues are.

Ask yourself some basic questions:

Do you feel like your parents loved you enough?

Do you feel like your grandparents loved you enough?

Do you feel like you got a “fair” hand in life, and a good chance at an education?

Are you fulfilled at your job?

Do you have hobbies that make you happy?

Do you feel like you contribute to conversations in a  meaningful way, and like you are adding something to the world?

Of course you may have other issues. Maybe you were raped. Maybe you were molested by a “funny uncle.” (I hate that term because it is not fucking funny.) Maybe you just didn’t feel like anyone really cared about you growing up, so you have trouble caring about people now.

Whatever your issues are, it’s okay that you have them. It’s okay to be hurt, because life should be more fair and there is way too much human suffering. I was homeless as a child, so I know just how shitty the world can be. I also know that even if you had a “nice life,” you can still suffer from feelings of alienation, and that those feelings are totally valid. (Every person has the worst problem in the world because it is theirs.)

However at some point, you do have to accept that holding on to pain from the past can only hurt your future. It sucks, but it’s true. You have to forgive the people who failed you, and take charge of your own life. Move forward with hope, and with kindness.

I say this because I am happy.

I have more than I ever thought that I would, and I am so fucking lucky. I really can’t tell you how lucky I am, and how grateful I am for the life that I have. And when you are happy with who you are and the life that you live, no one can hurt you. Nothing that anyone says can touch you, because you don’t get your validation from other people. You get it from yourself.

I raised a kid, and he struggles a lot with things. He always asks me where I get my happiness from, since he sees me being happy without drugs or piles of possessions and can’t understand it. The answer is so simple to say and yet so hard to realize, but I will say it anyway and hope you are in a place that you can hear me.

Where does my happiness come from?

I make it myself.

Obviously a few words on a blog are not going to heal the wounds in your soul. It takes time, and real work to do that. However, I think that it’s important to take that time and to work towards healing.

We all need to try to be better people.

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Conclusion: 

So what about Justin? Well, I cut him out of my life, and warned my friends that he was abusive to me, and that I do consider him to be an abusive person in general.

However, that was for my own safety and peace of mind. It doesn’t help him. So what about Justin? Well, I am sad for him. I hope he finds some way to come to terms with his past, and to be at peace. I never want anyone to hurt emotionally, because that is not the sort of person I am.

Until he does find peace, however, I would advice you all to stay away from Justin.

Do not buy his leather work.

Do not talk to him at events.

And because he is associated with Starfucker Productions of Arizona, do not attend their events.

He is a bad guy. I know it’s not his fault to a certain point and that he does just have issues, but he is also abusive and a bad person, and we can’t encourage that sort of behavior in the community. We need to root out the assholes and keep them away from the submissives, because we have a responsibility to each other. It is our job to make sure that no one is abused and that no one is raped, beaten, or otherwise injured.

We all know that every kink community does have those guys who are creepers, or who are using BDSM as a cover for physical and emotional abuse. We often let it slide because we feel like they are well-connected or somehow unable to be cast out.

That is not true. 

We can cast them out, and we need to if we respect ourselves and our communities at all.

Remember: Although Justin was likely abused by a woman, that was only one woman. He is abusive to hundreds of women. If we let that continue, we are passively allowing something that is a serious problem in society and in kink, and that is not okay.

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