So You Want To Find A Domme

This is on my mind because I will l be moving soon. In preparation, I changed my location on to Oahu. I wanted to start looking at events, and it’s easier to look for events “near you” (which is based on your current location setting.)

Since my orientation on Fetlife says “Domme,” several men have decided to introduce themselves to me (in hopes of being submissive to me.)

I hate to sound mean, but I can hardly stand what a waste of my time it has been. I mean, of course I want to meet people in Oahu before I get there! I want to get an idea of what things there will be like. Doing research ahead of time is always important. However, the submissives who have reached out are so tedious.


Never start a conversation with “What are you doing?” That is ridiculous for two reasons:

1.Who Are You To Ask

It is impertinent to ask a Domme what she is doing, because it implies that you have some right to know.

You do not.

If I want you to know what I am doing, I will fucking tell you. You asking is not okay.

2. It’s so Middle School

Asking “What are you doing?” is the most boring thing on Earth!

What will the answer be 90% of the time?

I am sleeping.”
I am eating.”
I am at work.”
I am grocery shopping.”

Who wants to talk about boring-ass shit like that? Not me! I have better things to do with my time.

And yet, when I give my phone number to people, they invariably start with asking me what I am doing. If you want to start a conversation with someone, start by assuming that they are busy. You might have a boring life where nothing on Earth is going on for you. Fine. But don’t assume that everyone else is like that. Here is how you should picture me:

I am on an elliptical machine running. In my car right now is a bag of swim gear. After the gym, I will be taking my camera out on the reef where I will swim from end to end taking photos, because I do reef monitoring for NOAA. I am married, and I plan to spend the night chatting with my husband because we are very much in love and we enjoy each other’s company. I also need to put in several hours on the certification classes I am taking, build a website, and proofread about 50 pages of stuff.

My phone is blowing up because I keep in touch with several friends that I have met in various parts of the world. I don’t have time to respond to everyone all the time, but I do my best because I genuinely care about people. Most of the people that I am struggling to find time for are people that I care deeply about and have a real connection with.

Now, you are trying to break through all of that and get my attention.

Is the best line you can really come up with: “What are you doing?”

I mean, sure, it may have worked in Middle School. But if your conversational skills have not advanced since middle school, then what are the odds that I am going to find you interesting? Seriously?

Your job is to get my attention.


Why is it that way?

Well first, let’s talk about scarcity. There are not a lot of dominant women, right? But there are a lot of submissive men. This means that each dominant women will get messages from a lot of dominant men at once. Ergo, you are not unique. You are just a face in a crowd.

Keep that in mind.

Next, let’s think about what most dominant women do: They have ads on BackPage and charge $500 per hour. People pay that because in a market with a lot of scarcity, it’s very easy for a dominant women to charge for her time. However, I am not advertising any kind of services that involve charging for my time, am I? So that makes me even more rare than the average Domme.

Remember that.

And finally, I am well-traveled and experienced. That means I am not going to hesitate or flinch. I know what I am doing. We’ve all seen the Pro Domme video that makes fun of the newbie Dommes who have no idea what they are doing, and let’s admit that there are tons of them out there. Not me. I have been in the scene for more than 20 years, and I know exactly what I am doing.

Ergo, I have more propositions in a week than I could fill in a lifetime. And yes, that does matter. It means that you have to come up with something interesting to say if you want me to care about you. Having ten guys a week not be able to come up with anything better than “What are you doing?” is a huge waste of my time, and it makes me really fucking mad.


Are You Actually Submissive

There are a few things every potential submissive should think about. You should start with figuring out if you are actually a submissive, or if you are just self-centered.

Ask yourself:

1. Do you expect to do nothing but “look cute” while some poor soul has to “train you”?

2. Do you plan to “be bratty” the whole time by not listening to what your Domme is saying?

3. Do you expect your Domme to lead the conversation and do all the emotional work in a relationship?

4. Do you think it should be an honor to do all the emotional and physical work while you sit back on your lazy ass and “dress pretty”?

If so, you are not submissive. You are just self-centered.



As an interesting aside, let’s talk about why straight vanilla women are actually the ultimate submissives:

I have often said that being submissive comes more naturally to women because they are already used to having to start all the conversations, structure all the discussions, and do all the emotional work. In a vanilla relationship, a women is submissive in the sense that the man is allowed to pretend that he is “not emotional” and “doesn’t care,” which forces the women to take charge of all emotional work for both parties.

Furthermore, in a vanilla relationship, a woman is pushed into doing the cleaning because the guy “doesn’t notice” the mess. She is pushed into making all the plans because he “doesn’t care” if they do something or not. And, she is pushed into starting all the conversations because a man will stew for YEARS when he is angry, claiming that he “doesn’t care” enough to just have an honest conversation about feelings.

In this way, vanilla women are forced to submit to men if they want to be in a relationship. And it is some bullshit that I won’t put up with.

Makes it sound like I should just choose a female submissive who will rub my feet, worship me, and bake me cookies, doesn’t it?

If you want to compete with someone who will do all the planning, emotional labor, and baking; you are going to have to be pretty fucking special. And there are men that special. My husband is the most adorable ball of cute, kind, and devoted.

Ergo, I absolutely know that there are men who are capable of being a good submissive.

If you start out with a stranger bragging that you are a “bratty sub” and you think someone should have to “train you,” then you are not a submissive. You are a self-indulgent, lazy person who had read too many novels.

On Training a Submissive

If a Domme has the particular kink of wanting to make someone march or do push-ups, then fine.

If they have the kink of wanting to be served tea on a silver platter by a sub in a maid’s outfit, then fine.

If a Domme wants you to learn to walk a certain way or rub their feet a certain way, then fine.

Every Domme wants different things, and some of them want nothing more than to be obeyed when they command you to do something.

However, there is a reason that “training schools” that pop up for submissives are always extremely expensive. I have seen prices as high as $5,000 for a week. This is because no one wants to spend a week telling your ass what to do every second of every day and whipping you if you are naughty. If people wanted to do that much work for free, the training schools would be permanent fixtures instead of pop-ups, and they would be free.

The reason that your average Dominatrix will charge $500 an hour, and the reason that “training schools” cost so much money, is because it is work.

Your average Domme wants a submissive that does not need to “be trained.”
Your average Domme wants a submissive that does not want to “be a brat.”
Your average Domme wants a submissive that can be a steward of their own emotions.

What I Want

I am a really together person. I am comfortable with my sexual orientation (bisexual.) I am comfortable with my gender identity (male; in a female body.) I am comfortable with my kink identity (80% Domme 20% Sub.) I am comfortable with the situation in life, my emotional primary, my friends, and my hobbies.

I am not seeking validation from a relationship.

Therefore, I am not looking for someone that needs me to validate them with constant attention.

If you need constant validation and you can’t do your own emotional work, then you are a hot mess and you need to find someone willing to put up with that. That someone is definitely not me.

I want someone who:

1. Can bother to read my Fetlife page and my blog before taking to me.

2. Has something interesting to say.

3. Wants to play scenes where they get tied up, hit with things, and dominated in various ways.

4. Is not boring to lay next to after sex.

5. Will agree to an STD sex before contact and STD testing any time they sleep with someone other than me.

No, I don’t think that those five things are too much to ask.

And no, I don’t want to hang on chat all the time and listen to you whine. I also don’t want to meet your parents, help you raise your kids, or spend my valuable time trying to help you figure out who you are, what you want, how you feel, etc…

Some of you don’t need a Domme; you need to see a trained Psychiatrist. That is not something I want to get involved in. If I am going to listen to anyone whine, it will be my husband, one of my boyfriends, or one of my best friends.

The moral of the story is this:

Do not come at me with “What are you doing?” or some other boring-ass bullshit that wastes my time and shows your lack of personality.

And please, for the love of god, do not come at me with a bunch of feelings about how confused you are.


I think I am femme and I want to dress up in panties, is that okay?”

That is up to you, dude.

It doesn’t happen to be my kink, but it is not my responsibility to tell you if it is yours or not, or if it is okay. Only you know that.

Figure out your own shit because I am not your shrink. It’s not my job to do emotional labor for you, and you would have to be pretty interesting for me to want to set up scenes for you.

Also, if you want to be “trained” then pay for it like everyone else. (But not from me because I am way too busy for that shit.)

Setting Up A Scene


One of the most common questions I get is how to set up a scene. I have written about this before, but it never hurts to go over something again. (Please click the links to see more information.)

Note: For me, I find that the atmosphere is the biggest thing that can improve/ruin a scene. I take special care to set up an atmosphere that is conducive to play, and I recommend that you do this, too. With the right music, you can hit a submissive longer and harder. With the right toys laid out, you can quickly switch from one punishment to another.

In other words: A little work in advance can make everything better later.


First: You should have already done scene negotiation with the person that you are setting up the scene for. That is an important step, and you should never play a scene with someone until you have talked about limits and STDs and all of that.

Second: You should have already made a playlist of kinky music to have sex to. Music is important because it helps you get into the right headspace.

Third: If you have your scene negotiation done and a good playlist ready to go, then it’s time to figure out what you plan to do. If you’re using a trap-on or a dildo, you might consider rubbing it down with some coconut oil before hand (so you don’t have to struggle with lube while you are in the middle of something.)

I like to lay out all my whips and paddles so that I can see all my options at a glance. It’s also nice so that my sub can see them before I blind fold them. (Keeps the imagination going.) If you are doing anything with rope, laying it out in advance is really important. You will bore the crap out of you sub if they have to wait for you to untangle or uncoil ropes.

Anyway, once you have your toys laid out and prepped, you’re ready to play!

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Since it has come up before:

Remember that at the beginning of the scene, you should move slowly. Things like impact play are better with a slow build up. My favorite toy is a flogger, and I find that it’s always best to hit softly at first, and increase intensity over time.

Setting up a scene in advance, and then building up your scene slowly, are the keys to making it more enjoyable for everyone involved.

Also, remember if things get stale that there are lots of fetishes out there, and you can always renegotiate and try something new if you need to!

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Consent as a Matter of Law

Note: I was talking with Jay Wiseman, who is a prolific author of BDSM-related materials, and he offered up his latest handout, which is about consent as a matter of law. I thought I would share it here, so all of you could benefit from his efforts.

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Here’s a brief summary on consent as a matter of law:

From a legal point of view, consent is: A mentally competent, informed, limitable, revocable, willingness to have a legally protected interest affected by the behavior of another person who might not have another legally defensible reason to affect that interest.

There are three basic parts to this rule. Let me unpack each one.

(Part One)

A mentally competent — the person has sufficient mental capacity to understand what’s going on. They are not so young, so intoxicated, so senile, or their level of consciousness so depressed that they can’t understand what’s involved.  There are few hard and fast rules around this point (age of consent as expressed by a statute would be one exception) so every incident need to be evaluated on a case-by-case basis.

informed — the person has been given information that is sufficient and accurate enough to enable them to make a good decision. For instance, if a top were to tell a bottom that the top had “over a decade” of experience in using a single tail whip when in fact the top had less than an hour of experience in using it, then the bottom can’t make an informed decision and therefore their consent is invalid. (Note: there is an interesting doctrine, particularly in rape law, about the distinction between what’s called “fraud in the inducement” and what’s called “fraud in the factum.”  As a general rule, fraud in the inducement is a defense to a rape accusation whereas fraud in the factum is not a defense.  I’ve included at the end of this letter a link to a page that has a pretty good introductory article on this topic.)

limitable — consent can be limited.  For example, one person might tell another, “You can touch me above the waist but not below the waist.” or, “You can come into my apartment, but only for ten minutes.” It’s a good idea to make sure this limitation is clearly communicated.

revocable — consent is generally revocable.  For example, in the situations described just above, a person might say, “I’ve changed my mind.  You can’t touch me anywhere,” or “Come to think of it, no. You can’t come in at all.”  As with limited consent, it’s a very good idea to ensure that revocation of consent is clearly and unambiguously communicated.

willingness — the person’s consent was not obtained by duress. This generally means that consent was not obtained by a credible threat of immediate physical harm to the person or to someone they are close to such as a spouse or child. Note that the threat generally needs to be of immediate physical harm.  For example, if a burglar were to say to a woman who’s house he has broken into, while waving a large knife, “Have sex with me or I’ll kill your baby.” and the baby is right there in a crib in her bedroom, then she would be acting under duress and her consent would be invalid. On the other hand, let’s say that Boss says to Employee, “Have sex with me or you’re fired.” That generally would not be sufficient to constitute duress as a matter of law. (A sexual harassment case would, of course, be a different matter.)

(Part Two)

to have a legally protected interest…  What this means is that if one of your legally protected interests is violated then the offender could end up in criminal and/or civil court.  You have a legally protected interest in your person (battery, false imprisonment), your peace of mind (assault, intentional infliction of emotional distress), your property (theft, vandalism, trespassing), your privacy (invasion of privacy), and your reputation (defamation).  This is not a complete list of legally protected interests.

(Part Three)

affected by the behavior of another person who might not have another legally defensible reason to affect that interest. Consent is largely about human behavior. If your car is damaged by an act of God, then your consent hasn’t been violated. If your car is damaged by your crazoid ex, then your consent has been violated. Also, if the cops show up at your house with a warrant for your arrest, then they can take you into custody without your consent and not face accusations of assault, battery, false imprisonment, etc.


Types of Consent

There are five ways of expressing consent, which consist of expressly stated consent and four types of implied consent.

Expressly stated consent is consent communicated through words, spoken or written.  An example would be when a hospital patient signs a “consent for surgery” form.

Consent can be implied through behavior, for example if Person A says to Person B, “I’d like to tie you up.” and Person B smiles and puts their hands behind their back, then it would be reasonable for Person A to believe that Person B had consented to being bound. (Hopefully, unless they already know each other pretty well and they negotiate more than this before proceeding further but you get the idea.)

Consent can be implied as a matter of law.  This usually involves giving first aid to someone who is unconscious, or whose brain is not functioning adequately due to intoxicants, head injury, diabetes, and so forth.  These people can be treated even if they do not consent without the rescuers risking being charged with battery or other offenses because the law presumes that the victim would consent to being given such aid if their brain was working properly.

Consent can be implied by social custom. For example, tapping someone on the forearm to ask what time it is is not a battery under our current social customs.  Obviously, how far such touching can go varies in different societies.

Consent can be implied by failure to object where a reasonable person would object.  As I mentioned, this is the old “never ask a girl if you can kiss her” rule.  This rule is becoming more unpopular with time but is still the law in most jurisdictions.

So there you have it.  I hope you find it useful.