Persecution of Kink


I have been to several sex clubs and sex-related parties around the world. My favorites include Club Desire in Seoul, and The Velvet Rope in Portland. I have a lot of good memories there, and I hope to get to go back some day.

Most cities don’t grant zoning for a sex club. Portland happens to be one of the few places that does, and so The Velvet Rope is “legal.” Meanwhile Seoul does not grant zoning for a sex club, so Club Desire is “illegal.”

I don’t know why anyone thinks they should have a right to tell grown-ass consenting adults what to do in private clubs. For the life of me, I can’t figure out why it’s anyone’s fucking business.


Yet, there is a worldwide crackdown going on, and it’s targeting open-minded people who like to have fun.

Recent reports came out about a club in Thailand where consenting adults (mostly married couples) attended an orgy were treated as though they were criminals. First off, if a hotel of all places can’t host an orgy then who the hell can?!? But more than that, how dare the news outlets write it up like the attendees were criminals? They broke no laws, and were released without charges. But of course they were, because having consensual sex is not illegal yet.

Just the next day reports came in about Fetlife parties being hosted at a private home in Colorado. All the windows were shut and shuttered and no one broke a single law, but the news still wrote it up as though people having consensual sex was a crime! The residents admit that no noise ordinances were being violated and there was literally no law at all being broken, but said they still planned to stop it.


All this comes in the wake of the US law FOSTA-SESTA being passed. This law claims to “stop sex trafficking.” However, what it really does is give the government a license to shut down any website where a person could meet a sex worker. Oh sure, it started with Backpage and the Craigslist Personals, but do you think they are going to stop there?

After all, I have had prostitutes solicit me on Tinder and OkCupid. I have my gender set to “male” on Facebook and I get sex workers trying to add me all the time on there. They claim to be “models” but then offer to meet up for money.

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Basically; our freedom to be kinky and have fun sex is being attacked from every angle. After all, you may be able to get a prostitute on OkCupid, but we don’t use it for that. We use it to meet other kinky people because they have questions that allow you to imply that you are into kink and get matches of other people who are as well.

Of course, I am saying that kink is in danger from all of this -and it is- but that’s not the only issue. I may selfishly be more worried about kink than other aspects of this law because it has a direct effect on me. However, this also really puts sex workers in danger, and I think that is something that everyone should be upset about.

There will always be people who sell their bodies. Coal miners, for example. They are going to die of black lung, but they choose money over their health and do a job that makes them sick. Workers in oil fields are the same, as are fire-fighters. If you put your life and health in danger for money, then you are selling your body.


Yet sex work is treated differently from these other types of selling your body. Why? It’s the same thing, except the health risks are not as bad. And like all other ways that you can sell your body, these people should be allowed to have unions, healthcare, and everything else any other job has. Instead, we are going the other way and taking away their rights and their safety.

Critics will say “This is about victims of sex trafficking” and then they will lie to you and quote over-inflates statistics for how many people are the victims of trafficking. Don’t get me wrong; sex trafficking does sometimes happen. It is a big deal and we should absolutely stop it. However, it’s far less common that conservatives would have you believe, and the only way to fight it is by legalizing sex work.

I am from Arizona. In Arizona you have to get a license to be an exotic dancer. This licensing requirement helps make sure that all the girls are of legal age, consenting to what they are doing, and not trafficking victims. It is a way to make sure that those girls are doing what they want to be doing. I think it costs $15, so it’s not hard to get. You fill out a couple forms and *BOOM* you’re legal.


If we did this same thing for prostitution, we could easily catch all trafficking victims and rescue them immediately.

Keeping things in the shadows makes it easy for abuse to happen. Bringing things into the light, on the other hand, helps protect people and stop abuse. There is no way around it; because this is backed up by data from the US and from many other countries. Legal and regulated sex work saves lives, and it stops human trafficking.

Meanwhile, “busting” sex clubs, orgies, and sexy parties just makes you a fascist dickbag. And taking down websites just because someone might meet a sex worker on one of them is insane. You could meet a sex worker on nearly any website on the internet. If you want to shut down all websites where someone can meet someone, all that will be left is places to buy things. It’ll be a digital storefront and nothing else. That is not the internet that anyone should want.


Attraction is Complicated

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I often have people ask me what I find attractive. Actually, I should be more specific. I often have men ask me what I find attractive.

It’s not really something women ask me (because I think they understand that it’s complicated.)

I was thinking about this while I was swimming the other day, and I want to break it down in terms of science, and then relate it to me.

I know this isn’t exactly about kink, but everyone wonders about how attraction works, regardless of if they are kinky or not.



To start, men are very simple.

They are attracted to the way that someone looks. This is because men are visual creatures, and the majority of their attraction is to appearance. Sometimes they try to consciously look for non-visual characteristics in a mate (Example: A man might look for a woman who does not have thousands in credit card debt or who does not have children.)

However, they all admit that if a very hot woman who didn’t fit their desired parameters at all was willing to have sex with them, they would do it in a heartbeat.

What this means is that for men, the sexual desire that they feel is based pretty much entirely on looks.

Interestingly, their conscious brains have very little to do with it. According to recent studies, men are doing calculations each time they look at a woman without even realizing it. Are her hips wide enough? Is her face symmetrical? Are her features balanced?

This makes sense, from the perspective of evolution. They are driven to mate with women who look like they have good genes. The only cues they have the ability to assess are the physical. So, they go off physical cues.

It’s very straight-forward.



On the other hand, women are not instinctively looking for visual cues. We’ll talk about conscious preferences in a minute, but first we need to look at what happens in a women’s lizard brain (which is the loving nickname for the mid-brain; the most primitive part of us where instincts originate from.)

Women are not consciously aware that they can smell genetic compatibility. However, in studies involving white T-shirts worn by various men, women were able to pick the shirt worn by the most compatible mate more than 80% of the time. In other words: they could smell the best man to make babies with.

Note: They were not smelling the most genetically superior man. This is a popular misconception. It’s so much more interesting than that. Women in the studies were able to pick the man whose genes were most compatible with her own genes. This means that somewhere in a women’s lizard brain, she is aware of her own genes. She is able to determine through smell what genes a man has, and she is then able to calculate a mate who is compatible.

This calculation of genetic compatibility is complex, and something that computers and software were only recently able to do. Yet somehow (probably through smelling various protein markers) a woman’s mid-brain can do this calculation with startling accuracy.

Now, this does not mean that a woman does not also have physical preferences. For example, I love long hair on men. It’s devastatingly sexy. I like to play with it, run my fingers through it, and to feel it on my skin when I am having sex. I love everything about long hair. So that is an example of a physical preference.

If women only paid attention to these, all my partners would have had long hair, right? But they didn’t.

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Another thing to note is that women are more likely to take other factors into account, such as how successful a man is. In my case, I prefer for them to be less successful so they don’t get all fussy about trying to tell me what to do. I prefer for no one to have power over me, and I am notorious for bringing long-haired homeless boys home with me. However, many women prefer a man who is more successful because they want to breed, and they would feel safer making a human if they knew that human was likely to be cared for.

To sum up: Women are consciously considering cues like how a man looks and how successful he is. This does not happen on an instinctual level like it does for a man, meaning that on these things, you can probably change her mind. If you are charming enough or emotionally compatible enough, she will probably be willing to consider you even if you are not “her type.”

However, there is an added dimension which has only recently been explained by science. For thousands of years we as a species have baffled over the cases where a woman runs off with a man who is objectively not attractive, and who has no money or position in life. By the same token, we as a species have been puzzled by the women who sees a man with all the things she states as desires, (such as money and beauty and kindness;) but she simply can’t make herself love him.

We finally understand that in these cases, it is a matter of genetic compatibility.

It turns out that sometimes a woman runs across a man who has a very high degree of genetic compatibility, and she cannot resist him. He may be the opposite of everything she dreamed of and in no position to support children, but she will be drawn to have sex with him because his genes compliment hers perfectly.

Twice in my life I have felt this animal attraction for someone where I felt unwilling to fight it.

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Story Time

To give you an idea of how intense attraction can be: I was working at a job I loved. I was in a relationship with someone I cared about. My friend and I were running a local music magazine and it was going really well. Everything in my life was just about prefect.

One night, I went to Goth Night at a local club. I was there to sell tickets for an upcoming show. As I was walking around talking to people, a sweaty young man walked up to the bar passing within less than in inch of me.

I found myself turning around and finding an excuse to talk to him. He asked me to dance. Now, I don’t dance. It’s not my thing, and I am not very good at it. And yet, I found myself out on the dance floor, grinding against a boy who had short hair, a sort of a goofy face, and a Texas accent that made him sound like a complete idiot. There was nothing at all about him that was “my type,” and yet I was drawn to him like a pregnant woman to a pickle.

Within a week of meeting this dumb, uninteresting Texan, I was begging my friend if we could borrow her bathroom to have sex. Within a month of meeting him, I ran away with the Renaissance Festival.

The sex wasn’t even good.

At the time, I really couldn’t explain myself. I told myself that I must have been bored with my life. I must have been unhappy, right? It’s so hard to explain your behavior when you really don’t have any idea why you did something. People are programmed to make up a narrative to explain the world to themselves, and I did try. But all the narratives about being bored or unhappy felt hollow, because I had actually had a pretty great life.

Of course, now I know better. I know that me and that dumbass Texan just happened to have genes that fit unusually well together. I couldn’t smell it consciously, but my lizard brain knew all along.

Typically this sort of thing only happens once in a lifetime. After all, most of the time we are all well-showered and wearing scents that cover up our natural smells. In addition, most people don’t go around rubbing up against others all the time. In fact, your average person keeps a reasonable distance from others most of the time.

The thing is; I was a promoter. I spent a lot of time in mosh pits, and clubs, and in close quarters. Therefore, I definitely increased my odds of being able to smell genetic compatibility because of my lifestyle.


However, the second time wasn’t because of that.

My boyfriend was this glamorous Goth boy with beautiful long hair and cherry red lips. He was so pale that he looked dead every time he fell asleep. He was good in bed, had a nice size penis, and made me laugh. I really liked him.

One night he was busy, and he asked his friend to give me a ride home from the bar. This was my boyfriend’s best friend, so I had been around him plenty of times before. However, he was usually fastidious about cleaning himself and wearing cologne. It just so happened that this night, he had been asleep and sweating before my boyfriend woke him up to go get me.

As soon as I got in the car, I was overtaken with a desire to kiss him. He knew it too. I could see it on his face. He looks surprised and pleased. It made me so mad.

I should note that my boyfriend was the hot one, and his friend was the dud. He was prematurely bald, chubby, and had a face with unbalances features. He was not attractive. In fact, I had always felt sort of sorry for him because he was so ugly, and standing next to my boyfriend made him look even worse. And yet that one night, I looked at his crooked teeth and his oddly placed eyes, and I wanted to kiss him.

Of course, I learned my lesson about fucking up my life, and I didn’t do anything.

In fact, I went home and had fabulous sex with my boyfriend and forgot all about it.

Ten years later, I ran into the friend again. I had long since left the pretty Goth boy, and even moved to another city. However, I was back visiting some friends and I ran into Goth boy’s best friend.

His looks had not improved. He never got braces, and his teeth had become more snarled and unappealing. His hairline had receded even further, and the odd shape of his head made his forehead seem huge like the aliens from 1950’s cartoons. He had developed a sort of lisp (I supposed because of his teeth?) and he made an annoying smacking noise when he talked. He was chubby and the overall shape of his body was somewhat like an old armchair that is left on the curb on trash day.

However, I felt this animal attraction (which I was crazy ashamed of.)

Since there was no reason outside of his general grossness to avoid sleeping with him, I did. It was extremely satisfying, although the sex was only mediocre. I ended up sleeping with him for a few months before moving overseas to teach. I even let him come visit me in my little apartment overseas, where we spent a week having lots of sex.

I am not proud of it. I tend to leave the pictures of him out of any photo albums. It’s not something I want to brag about. But, it totally happened.

Now you may say:

I don’t understand. He had bad genes. He lost his hair and his teeth were gross and he was fat and squishy.”

And that is the thing that makes genetics so complicated. Let’s say I have the gene for breast cancer, the gene for bad eyesight, and the gene for diabetes. This is just an example and it’s more complicated than this, but let’s just say that I had those bad genes. Now, Ashton might have had different bad genes, right? Baldness and bad teeth and all that. But, he didn’t have the gene for breast cancer or the gene for diabetes. That means that we were compatible, because our genes could combine to make a human with none of the bad qualities that we both possess.

Remember, evolution is not smart. In many cases the choice of what genes become part of the offspring is a crap shoot. It was also possible that we could have made a kid with all of our negative traits and none of the good ones.

However, when a woman smells genetic compatibility, she is smelling the fact that a man has the good genes that she lacks, and she wants to mate with him in order to give her offspring the chance to inherit the good genes. After all, if she picks a mate that has the gene for breast cancer and she also has it, then there is a 100% chance that the offspring will. So, giving them some chance is better than none.

It is also worth noting that the genes I found distasteful about Ash were all physical. He was physically unappealing. However, he was healthy. My conscious mind may care more about looks, but my lizard brain does not. It cares about health.



So now that you know the mechanisms at work when a man finds something attractive, and the mechanisms at work when a woman finds someone attractive; would you say that women can answer the question of “What are you attracted to?”

It is my opinion that we can’t.

The follow up from men is always “Well what are you into?”

The answer to that is hilarious, if I am perfectly honest:

I am into anything that someone that I am attracted to wants to do.

No, really.

I couldn’t stand Ash, and I hate feet, but I still let him lick my feet. He wanted to, and I was desperately attracted to him. A horny woman will agree to pretty much anything, in my experience. I am actually somewhat disgusted about it now, but at the time I really couldn’t help myself. In fact, I agreed to do tons of things that had been hard limits for me in the past. I didn’t seem to be able to say no.

Of course, I don’t think all women are as bad as me. Most women seem to live a bit more in their heads, if you know what I mean. But I have always been a creature of instinct. I don’t know why I am so in touch with my primal desires, but I am.

Varying Stages of Attachment

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Note: Someone told me recently that being kinky and being poly are not orientations. In this post, I want to describe how my brain works as a poly person, and why it is fundamentally different than that of a monogamous person. It is absolutely my orientation, and I can’t understand or accept the way monogamous people see relationships.

First you should know that I move around a lot.

This did not start because my husband is in the military. In fact, that actually causes me to stay places longer, since we have to stay until he completes a set of orders.

Long before my husband was a part of my life, I moved a lot.

It started because I was poor and lived in a neighborhood that was in the process of being gentrified. I would sign a six month or one year lease, and then at the end of the lease, the apartment complex would try to double the rent and I would have to move.

After awhile, I just got used to moving a lot. I ended up really liking it, since it is a chance to go through all the things you own and figure out what really matters to you. Do you actually need to keep that receipt from that one date? How much do you really care about that book you read that was only so-so?


However, the older I got, the farther the moves got. I actually even traveled from state-to-state with the Renaissance Festival for awhile.

This kind of lifestyle means that you will leave people behind. I know that in the movies and on TV, you would never leave someone if you really loved them. But in real life, it’s pretty normal to choose travel and adventure over a person. In particular, it is pretty normal if the relationship is less about love and more about sex.

Don’t get me wrong- I am not some heartless bitch. I have at least a fondness for everyone I sleep with for any respectable length of time. I mean obviously you don’t always get names at an orgy, but other than that, I get names and remember birthdays and cultivate an emotional attachment to some degree.

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And yet, an emotional attachment does not mean that I will stay with that person no matter what. In fact, the one time I chose a person over an experience, I really grew to regret my choice and resent the person I made it for. I had been offered the opportunity to study abroad in Costa Rica for a semester via a scholarship my Spanish teacher put me up for. I said no because the person I was with at the time would have failed out of college without me to wake him up and kick his ass to class. It was a huge mistake, and I wish I would have spent that semester in Costa Rica.

So that being said: What happens to a relationship or attachment when you leave the place where the other person is?

It turns out that most people consider the relationship to be over at that point. I find that extremely sad. Maybe it is because I am poly, but when someone matters to me, they just keep on mattering to me no matter where they are or where I am.


Example: There is this guy who wouldn’t like me using his name, so let’s call him Chris (just swapping one common name for another.) I met Chris in South Korea when I was a teacher and he was a medic in the air force. We had sex and talked and stuff, and then he got deployed to Afghanistan.

He did two tours in Afghanistan, which was hard for him.

Then, he was shipped to a base in Tucson Arizona when his enlistment was up. I came to see him while he was out-processing from the air force, at his tiny little house with no air conditioning.

Later, he came to see me at a fetish club in Phoenix.

We met up for sex, but also for company.

When someone travels similar paths, you share a bond. We had lived some of the same places, for one. And for another thing, I had seen a lot of violence and death in my teens. We had common ideas because we had common experiences.

Leaving on a jet plane

When he got out, he moved to Kansas and I moved to Oregon. Both of us had families to go spend time with after our time abroad.

However, we still talked on the phone and kept in touch.

Later, I moved to Guam. He is still in Kansas. And yet, we still keep in touch.

The other day, I sent him a picture of me in the bath to try to cheer him up on Valentine’s Day, and promised that he was always welcome to visit my bed whether it was here in Guam, or in Hawaii when we move there.

And I meant it.

See, my thinking is this: If you had sex with someone and it didn’t suck, why wouldn’t you do it again? And if someone moves away but you still like them, then why wouldn’t you still talk?


This has gotten me into trouble here and there. Sometimes a guy will stay “in a relationship” with me, but start dating a monogamous girl. Then I will turn up to visit and we will have sex (because he does not tell me about the monogamous girl,) and then she ends up getting hurt.

Now first, that is on the guy for not telling me that he started a new (and monogamous) relationship.

But second, why does it have to be this way? What is actually so bad about borrowing someone when you are in town?

I mean, if I had known about the girl, I would have asked her permission (obviously) but it just seems to me that people you have had sex with are part of ongoing relationships until someone says stop.


Example: There was a guy that I dated on and off for fifteen years. We were never soul mates or anything, but he was pretty and I liked to have sex with him. I also liked to just sit and talk with him and stare into his eyes, because he always looked so loving and devoted.

However, a few years ago he started seeing a girl who convinced him that I was “taking advantage of him” by not wanting to marry and be committed, but still wanting to hang out and have sex sometimes.

As a result, he made a huge show of saying “We are breaking up and I never want to see you again.”

This hurt my feelings. I don’t like breakups. Wandering away from someone but still keeping the connection open is fine. I like to explore and try new things, so I am always moving forward. But just because I am wandering, doesn’t mean I sever ties with everywhere I have ever been.

He broke up with me.

So I did the rational thing: I decided that he was dead to me, and I moved on with my life.


Several times since that day, he has written me e-mails and Facebook messages and whatnot trying to reconnect with me. He keeps saying that he misses me and that we were good together.

But for me, the relationship is over.

It ended when he hurt me and I stopped seeing him as an ongoing relationship and started seeing him as an ex. It cannot be restarted again, because in my mind, a relationship is over once it ends. It is a final thing. I have to set a boundary (which I have few of) and tell myself “this is really over.” After that, I cannot change what has passed because boundaries stay in place or else nothing makes sense.

Besides, there was no reason to say that he never wanted to talk to me or see me again. He could have just said: “I want to go for this monogamous girl, so we need to keep this friends-only for a little bit to see how things go.” I would have been fine with that because we were living in different states at the time (although he was only in Washington state and I was in Oregon, so it was a short drive.)

Anyway, the point is: There could have been the lesser boundary placed of “no sex right now but still friends,” or even “Let’s take a break for a few months or a year.” But that was not what happened. Instead he placed the boundary of: “I never want to see you again.” And I respect boundaries. Forever.

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My point is this: How you view relationships is probably different from me.

Monogamous people tend to do this really uncomfortable thing where they feel that they own a person. They do not want to share that person with anyone, and they expect that person to terminate all other relationships as a condition of “being in a relationship.”

This is idiotic.

Think of it this way: I have always been a guy, but I live in a girl’s body. I decided to just accept this, and so I am (as the Native Americans would say) “of two spirits.” It’s fine, but it means that I really need my guy friends to go drinking and blow off steam with. I need time to get my male energy out, particularly if I happen to be dating men at the moment.

Two of my oldest friends are male. One is a few years younger, and one is a few years older. I have never had sex with either of them because they are my designated male friends. But in order to keep them as friends when dating, I have always had to call them my younger brother and my older brother. This is because both men and woman that I have dated have found our relationship to be “too close.”


As an introvert, I happen to feel that I value relationships more, since I have to stretch so far to make them. But more than that, being close to another human in a non-sexual sibling kind of way should not be considered unnatural.

Yet monogamy dominates society and so we are all expected to whip ourselves into a frenzy of jealousy for every little thing.

I adopted a kid as well. He was homeless and his mom was in jail. I grew up homeless, so I had a desire to help him based on personal experience. However, everyone I dated saw him as an “unrelated male” and I have been accused of sleeping with him since he was thirteen (who fucks a thirteen year old anyway?!?)

Jealousy is seen as some sort of value in “normal” world, and so the fact that I would run my fingers through his hair when he had a nightmare was seen as “wrong.” But he had been literally tortured as a child by a meth-crazy mother, and he had awful nightmares about days of being duct taped and locked in a closet without food, water, or anywhere to relieve himself. What kind of care-taker doesn’t show sympathy and compassion for a torture victim? And after I had similar experiences when I was on the streets!

I think you can see that jealously is often beyond the rational. It can be so unbelievably uncalled for at times that I have been utterly incredulous with people. Their heartless expectation that all relationships outside a romantic one should be cold and without touch is unreasonable. I think any sane person should be able to see that.

In the same way, I do not think it is reasonable to expect people to just stop communicating with a person that they wandered away from. If I made a connection with someone, sexual or otherwise, and then wandered out of their country and into another, this does not stop them from being part of my life.

To me, relationships are threads in the fabric of my universe, and they should run continuously in an unbroken cloth from the point of entrance in my life until my death. I hate to cut a thread out of the tapestry of my life, and a person must do something pretty bad to get me to do so.

Plus, I think relationships can (and should) evolve over time. Sometimes it is harder than others. For example, I have this ex who I just really like having sex with. I don’t know why. We just had awesome chemistry, and he intuitively understood what my body wanted. It was awesome.

He has decided that we should no longer have sex (no reason given.) I respect that, but it doesn’t mean that I want to lose the relationship. After all, he carries some of my memories, and therefore a part of who I am. So he is still a Facebook friend, on my Christmas card list, and someone I visit when I am in the same country/state. But the relationship has evolved from sexual to friendship.

Another example is literally laying in my bed right now. She is my ex girlfriend, and she is visiting with her husband. Her husband is not the sort to be interested in sex with me or my husband, so even though we used to date her, she is now off-limits.

That doesn’t mean I want to stop talking to her! She is this amazing and talented person who I admire. Now, does she still make me turn into a complete idiot around her because she is so beautiful and refined? Yes. Totally. But pretty girls have always done that to me, whether I was sleeping with them or not.

My point is, both of these people are part of my tapestry, and I value them as people. They are not just pieces of meat to me. And so, I prefer to keep them woven into my life in whatever way is appropriate at the time.

Anyway, this is how a polyamorous person views relationships. They are ongoing. They may go in and out of being sexual, but they continue.

It is worth noting that some relationships never really get started, and those don’t count.

I have a habit of meeting people and having sex with them pretty soon after, because I want to see their soul and decide if I like them. Sometimes I decide I don’t like them. Those are the ones who don’t get a call back. One guy just stuck me as a shit person. Another was angry and became violent when I asked to change the nature of our relationship because the sex had lost my interest. A girl I used to date started cutting herself and saying she was a sinner for being a lesbian, and I quietly backed away from that because gods are not my thing.  So, I do end relationships with people that I don’t really like.

However, for the people who are good people, I see no reason to ever stop being attached to them.

This brings me to the final thought on the matter. People ask me how many people I am dating, and I am never sure how to answer this. To me, dating means:

Staying in touch with the person, have had sex with them, and would have sex with them again if the opportunity presented itself.

I feel that this is “dating” because it is closeness with the potential for sex. And, by that definition, I would say that I am casually dating W, Z, other Z, M, J, and R. So, seven people. And yet, I am only in one in-person relationship at the moment because I am stuck on Guam.

I guess you could say it is shades of dating.

Currently I am engaged in threes shades of dating, but there are others:

1. Level One: Dating in-person, with all the in-person obligations. (R)

2. Dating, the exchanging of gifts on holidays and birthdays, and sex when in person. (M,J,W)

3. Dating and keeping in touch, with sex when in person. (Z,Z)

Is that too complicated? Maybe for you. But, it is how the world exists for me. I did try to be normal when I was young. I tried to end old romantic relationships with people when I started a new romantic relationship, as the monogamous folks tell you that you must do. But when even that wasn’t enough and people were accusing me of sleeping with my brothers and my kid, that was it for me. Monogamous people are insane.