Censorship and BDSM

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I am so relieved that Fetlife.com is still up. When they took down the personals section in Craigslist and all those other websites, I thought that Fetlife was next. When all that was going on, we were about to move from Guam to Hawaii, and I was like “How are we going to make new friends after we move?”

Thankfully, that wasn’t a problem.

However, that doesn’t mean we should let our guard down. There is a lot of censorship going on lately in other areas, and maybe we all think it’s for the best to ban a shitty Nazi or take away Alex Jones show (they are horrible!) But, we have to be watchful because it could be us next.

I would encourage you all to think about the balance between free speech and censorship. I know it’s not sexy and there are no whips and chains involved, but spare a minute anyway.

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My second degree is in Communications, and that involved a lot of Media Law classes and Constitutional Law classes. Where it sits right now, free speech ends at harm. So a shitty Nazi telling people to kill Jews is trying to incite violence, and that is a type of harm. You’re not allowed to say that you want to kill the President because that is a type of harm (although- only to him.) And of course, the old example of not being able to yell “fire” in a theater is just another example of a way to cause harm.

Keeping this principle in mind, let’s try to keep anything that could be construed as harm off of our sites. You know what I mean. If you see something shady in our community, say something. It’s up to us to police ourselves so that we can mount a good legal defense if they come for us.

I know that may ring a little paranoid to some ears, but then, folds told me before the Edward Snowden revelations that it was silly of me to think that the government was spying on its own citizens. Afterwards, everyone just got kind of awkward when they realized that an NSA agent had probably seen their dick pic.

The point is, we all need to be mindful of censorship and how it can affect us. This is a conservative era and online communities are being affected. Let’s make sure we’re not one of them.

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BDSM Resources

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It’s been a while since I’ve done a post about helpful resources for new kinksters, so I guess I’ll do one.

First, it’s awesome to learn from the people who are out there putting in the time to teach. I highly recommend Jay Wiseman, Midori, The Knotty Boys, and Janet Hardy. I’m not much of a teacher myself, even though I do my best to mentor the kinklings. But the real pros have more information and it’s better organized. Look to them.


Here’s Hardwire


Second, it’s all about head space. Where you exist in your mind is where it’s at. You can have a kink relationship with a vanilla person without them even knowing it by choosing to submit or to dominate in your own way and viewing the relationship in those terms in your own head. Seriously, kink happens in the mind.

Since kink is in your head, confidence is your biggest asset when you want to play a scene. For that, I recommend some great music. I like Faderhead, Element a440, Marilyn Manson, and Hardwire. However, you should find what works for you and makes you feel sexy and in the space that you want to be.


Here’s element a440.


Third, don’t buy cheap toy sets from a sex shop. Get some good quality leather that will last longer and be more fun to play with. You can find awesome vendors for cuffs, custom collars, floggers, and paddles. Just do some digging. If you won’t search for independent vendors, at least go through somewhere like Stockroom.com instead of Castle Boutique. (No offense to Castle- but they do carry lower-quality kink gear.)

There’s no “right” or “wrong” way to be you, but the main thing that defines the kink community is our focus on consent. In the vanilla world men touch women without consent and pressure them into things. We’re not like that. You should probably fill out a negotiation form or a BDSM Checklist before you play, and you should make sure never to get pushy and rapey with someone (unless they specifically tell you that their kink is for you to be pushy.) Communication is the best way to avoid confusion so TALK TO EACH OTHER.

Honestly, we make a lot of this stuff up as we go because BDSM is like Polyamory: It’s not represented in culture and there are not examples in your day-to-day life to model. But if you need a mentor, join Fetlife.com and go to a munch to meet people. We’ll help you.


Here’s Faderhead