Being in a Slump

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So I have actually talked a lot about this subject before.

For example, I’ve written before about setting up a scene. And, I’ve written about enticing your Domme.  I think both of these posts kind of address what to do when you’re in a slump:

Set up a scene the way you want it, and entice your partner to join you.

Relationships (of all types) do take work. People get comfortable, they get bored, and they get exhausted with life sometimes. It’s normal to feel that way, and it doesn’t mean that anything is wrong with you.

That said, I was asked to address the specific aspect of kink as it relates to health (or lack thereof.)

This is actually really important because more than half of the Millennial generation suffers from some kind of chronic illness. There’s a lot of autoimmune diseases out there. It didn’t used to be so prevalent, but it is now thanks to our irresponsible policies concerning radiation (I won’t go into that because it’s not what this blog is about, but I put a link to a government study admitting that they poisoned us.)

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First, I want to point out two things that I think are really important:

1. Kink isn’t only about sex.

2. Relationships aren’t only about sex.

If you are too sick to set up a scene and entice your Domme, that’s fine. There’s is plenty of value in cuddling on the couch with your head in their lap while they pet you. There is value in bringing your Domme her heating pad when her back hurts. The act of serving your Domme and of being cared for by her is part of a healthy kink relationship, and it’s every bit as important as sex.

A lot of us feel pressured to live up to some ideal of what someone else is doing or what someone else has. But when a friend asked me to write about kink and chronic illness I was like “It’s not just you- that’s me too. We’re all sick.

My point is, you don’t need to impress some mythical person who has sex twice a day. You don’t even need to impress your healthy friend who has sex once a week (which honestly- do they really?)

Stay confident. Stay content. Your life is good enough even if all you can manage is once a month. You’re still kinky and your relationship is still valid. You don’t have to prove anything to anyone. You just have to find out what you can handle, and do that.

You are good enough.

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Public Service Announcement

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Hey guys.

This isn’t even a kinky post. All the whips and chains in the world can’t save bad sex. So, I want to talk a little about something that I find comes up far more than it should when talking to men.

Recently a man said to me that he “is really good with a dildo.”

I paused.

No amount of stalling for time helped; there was nothing I could say to that. It was clear from the context that he has a smaller-than-average penis, and he was describing penetrating his girlfriend with a dildo instead of this small penis because he thought she liked it.

*Sigh*

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Now, Look:

I don’t know her, and so I’ll allow that there is the slightest chance that she did like it. However, the much more likely scenario is that she (as the submissive in the relationship) liked that he liked it, but also secretly wished he would stop. According to all the scientific studies out there (and my own experience) more than 90% of women cannot orgasm from penetration alone.

Too many guys are out there fucking a girl or ramming her with a dildo and expecting that action to get her off, and guys, it doesn’t work like that.

I’d like to recommend two really good books about sex that can help you make better choices if you want to please your female partner:

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Bonk by Mary Roach is a hilarious book about the science of sex, and it’s also very informative.

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She Comes First by Ian Kerner is also a super-helpful book that describes the mechanism of the female orgasm in detail, and the anatomy behind it.

Basically, women have something called a clitoris that is outside of the vagina (well, the exposed tip of it is on the outside.)

Most of us cannot achieve orgasm without direct stimulation of this part of our anatomy.

Not only that, but many women experience pain from penetration due to endometriosis, PCOS, menopause, uterine fibriods, and a host of other issues that make penetrative sex very uncomfortable.

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Women (particularly the submissive ones) are sometimes terrified to tell you this. I have seen men rage at the very suggestion that they are not pleasing their partner, even when I knew from the mouth of the woman that this was the case.

In fact, several of my more submissive female friends have asked me to gently talk to their significant other about how women orgasm and about how most women do not like it when you pound away on them with a dildo, your dick, or anything else you may want to thrust repeatedly and thoughtlessly into them.

Women like vibrators, though. The bigger, the better. Think of the Magic Wand. This is something that you –yes you!– can use on your submissive to make her orgasm.

Instead of pounding away on her poor vagina, you can use this to actually make her vagina wet!

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Not all women like vibrators. Some prefer a tongue. Some are okay with fingers being used if they are used carefully and with lube (remember: the tip of the clitoris has more nerve endings that your entire penis so don’t be rough unless she asks you to!)

However, you do need to stimulate a woman’s clitoris in order to make her orgasm in most cases. This is not a complicated fact, and the man in question (who is nearly 50 years old!) really should have known better than to be pounding away on his poor girlfriend for hours on end with a dildo. Yes, a submissive often thinks that pleasing you is hot. But, she still deserves for you to take her anatomy into consideration when you do sex stuff to her.

So please, straight men, get your shit together. Stop thrusting uselessly into dry vaginas. Instead, help your partner achieve orgasm before the penetration part of sex, so she is more likely to find it enjoyable.

Stop watching porn made by men for men and thinking that is a good way to learn about sex. Learn about a women’s anatomy instead, and guarantee that no one has to fake another orgasm with you.

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I Don’t Feel Like Prancing

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I have moved to a new place, and I should be out getting to know people. However, I’ve been battling some pretty serious health issues lately, and I just haven’t had the energy. (I’m really old.)

Being laid up gives you time to scroll. I do spend time reading and doing things that are better for me, but I spend more time than I should scrolling. It makes me think about how saddened I am by the BDSM community (and the world at large) these days. There’s just so much attention-seeking, and everyone is fighting for “likes” and “shares” and validation.

We didn’t used to be like that.

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I hate to be that shitty old person who is like “Things were better in my day…” But a meetup back when I was younger was more about talking to like-minded people and sharing a connection over our mutual freakishness. I loved that.

Now, you go to a meetup and there’s a bunch of people just assessing you as “fuckable” or “not fuckable” and there’s so much less productive conversation. I don’t even think it’s generational. It’s older kinksters at these meetups too. I think it’s just what we’ve become.

It’s like everyone is out to commodity every relationship in some way and see what value the other person can have or what validation they can give.

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I’m not touchy-feely as a rule (probably due to being raped- which really did put me off strangers.) But when I spoke at this convention a couple years ago, everyone there was really upset by my standoffishness. They’ve reduced the concept of “connection” to touching, which is not at all the same thing.

I’m tired of feeling like the only thing going on in the kink space is a meat market full of peacocks.

I don’t know… I guess I’m just not looking forward to doing it all again. I’m too exhausted to smile and validate people and act like I care what they think of me. Why don’t we have munches for those of us who are deeply cynical, don’t care about attention or validation, and who just want to bullshit with other freaks? I don’t feel like putting on my slut-costume and prancing right now, so can we just hang out and chat?

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Censorship and BDSM

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I am so relieved that Fetlife.com is still up. When they took down the personals section in Craigslist and all those other websites, I thought that Fetlife was next. When all that was going on, we were about to move from Guam to Hawaii, and I was like “How are we going to make new friends after we move?”

Thankfully, that wasn’t a problem.

However, that doesn’t mean we should let our guard down. There is a lot of censorship going on lately in other areas, and maybe we all think it’s for the best to ban a shitty Nazi or take away Alex Jones show (they are horrible!) But, we have to be watchful because it could be us next.

I would encourage you all to think about the balance between free speech and censorship. I know it’s not sexy and there are no whips and chains involved, but spare a minute anyway.

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My second degree is in Communications, and that involved a lot of Media Law classes and Constitutional Law classes. Where it sits right now, free speech ends at harm. So a shitty Nazi telling people to kill Jews is trying to incite violence, and that is a type of harm. You’re not allowed to say that you want to kill the President because that is a type of harm (although- only to him.) And of course, the old example of not being able to yell “fire” in a theater is just another example of a way to cause harm.

Keeping this principle in mind, let’s try to keep anything that could be construed as harm off of our sites. You know what I mean. If you see something shady in our community, say something. It’s up to us to police ourselves so that we can mount a good legal defense if they come for us.

I know that may ring a little paranoid to some ears, but then, folds told me before the Edward Snowden revelations that it was silly of me to think that the government was spying on its own citizens. Afterwards, everyone just got kind of awkward when they realized that an NSA agent had probably seen their dick pic.

The point is, we all need to be mindful of censorship and how it can affect us. This is a conservative era and online communities are being affected. Let’s make sure we’re not one of them.

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BDSM Resources

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It’s been a while since I’ve done a post about helpful resources for new kinksters, so I guess I’ll do one.

First, it’s awesome to learn from the people who are out there putting in the time to teach. I highly recommend Jay Wiseman, Midori, The Knotty Boys, and Janet Hardy. I’m not much of a teacher myself, even though I do my best to mentor the kinklings. But the real pros have more information and it’s better organized. Look to them.


Here’s Hardwire


Second, it’s all about head space. Where you exist in your mind is where it’s at. You can have a kink relationship with a vanilla person without them even knowing it by choosing to submit or to dominate in your own way and viewing the relationship in those terms in your own head. Seriously, kink happens in the mind.

Since kink is in your head, confidence is your biggest asset when you want to play a scene. For that, I recommend some great music. I like Faderhead, Element a440, Marilyn Manson, and Hardwire. However, you should find what works for you and makes you feel sexy and in the space that you want to be.


Here’s element a440.


Third, don’t buy cheap toy sets from a sex shop. Get some good quality leather that will last longer and be more fun to play with. You can find awesome vendors for cuffs, custom collars, floggers, and paddles. Just do some digging. If you won’t search for independent vendors, at least go through somewhere like Stockroom.com instead of Castle Boutique. (No offense to Castle- but they do carry lower-quality kink gear.)

There’s no “right” or “wrong” way to be you, but the main thing that defines the kink community is our focus on consent. In the vanilla world men touch women without consent and pressure them into things. We’re not like that. You should probably fill out a negotiation form or a BDSM Checklist before you play, and you should make sure never to get pushy and rapey with someone (unless they specifically tell you that their kink is for you to be pushy.) Communication is the best way to avoid confusion so TALK TO EACH OTHER.

Honestly, we make a lot of this stuff up as we go because BDSM is like Polyamory: It’s not represented in culture and there are not examples in your day-to-day life to model. But if you need a mentor, join Fetlife.com and go to a munch to meet people. We’ll help you.


Here’s Faderhead