Stop Being Shitty Doms

I was speaking recently with someone who considers himself to be a “Dom.” I note that he considers himself a Dom, but I will also point out that I do not. I consider him to be abusive. I consider anyone who wants to get all the benefits and give nothing back to be abusive, and you should too.

The person in question does not care for his sub at all. He doesn’t tell her that she’s pretty, buy her gifts, or even ask her about her day. He just expects her to do things for him, and he doesn’t think he owes her anything in return.

That is not BDSM. That is abuse. If you are in a relationship like this you part of an abusive relationship.

Ladies (and men) who are submissive, I hope you will hear me on this one:

Your Dom owes you care and attention in return for your submission. You are owed respect for offering yourself to serve, you are owed aftercare when a scene in done, and you are owed orgasms. There are plenty of Doms out there, and it’s not hard to find one who will take good care of you. You don’t need to put up with someone who doesn’t treat you well.

And yes, I practice what I preach. I care for my Pet and always make sure that his needs are met. His happiness is -in part- my responsibility (since he has agreed to serve me.) So, of course I tell him that he is beautiful at least twice a day and cuddle him all the time. Of course I buy him presents and tell him how special he is and hold him after a scene. Of course I rub his back when he doesn’t feel good and make him food.

Anyone worth a shit will do this.

Please, let’s not perpetuate this culture of abuse. If you see someone being abusive, say something. I’ve heard enough guys brag about how they never do anything for their submissives and they don’t care about them at all. I’m sick of it. That’s why I told this wanna-be “Dom” that he can’t expect everything from his sub and give nothing in return. Sure, he got mad. So what? Fuck anyone who thinks it’s okay to be abusive and to hide their behavior under the guise of kink.

If you can’t care for a pet, then don’t adopt.

TNG Munches

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There’s been a lot of controversy around TNG munches, which are munches for people who are 18 to 35 and no one else. I hadn’t written about this topic (in spite being asked to) when I was under 35. It felt like I couldn’t really understand both sides of the issue, and all I knew was that it was nice to not have creepy old guys trying to grab my butt.

I’m over 35 now, and have been for a couple years. This means I’ve had some time (being excluded) to think about it. And you know what? I’m still okay with it.

The thing about society at large is that there’s entirely too many old white guys hitting on 18-year-olds because they are too weak to handle a woman their own age (or, a woman old enough to know her own mind.)

I was one of the girls who understood this weakness even when I was 18. I was never naive enough to think “I’m just more interesting than a girl their age.” I always knew it was predatory and creepy when guys in their 50’s and 60’s leaned in close and tried to touch me even though they were older than my dad.

I still think that is creepy now that I am almost 40. If that’s your kink then good for you, but I think it’s super uncomfortable and I have never wanted a man my father’s age or older to hit on me. Ever.

I sometimes feel like Russell Brand, who famously said: “When I was poor they told me that I couldn’t talk about income inequality because I was just jealous. Now that I am rich, they tell me I can’t talk about it because I have money. I’m starting to think that they just don’t want anyone to talk about income inequality.”

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When I was young I didn’t want to write about it because even offering my opinion at a munch, I was told to shut up because I didn’t know what it felt like to be excluded. I would argue that as a woman, I’ve always been excluded from hundreds of opportunities that were available to men, so I have always known what exclusion felt like. But I didn’t specifically know what age discrimination felt like, so people shouted me down.

Now that I’ve been over 35 for a couple years, I have had plenty of time to see TNG munches posted and know that I can’t go. I’ve had plenty of time to think about it. And, I’m still glad that they exist. I’m still glad that the young women of our community have somewhere safe to go where predatory old men can’t grab at them.

To be perfectly clear: Yes, I know that some old men have caught up with the times. There are some who are respectful and who are not pushy and rapey. But, that’s the exception rather than the rule in my experience.  And you really can’t tell me otherwise, because I was a very attractive young girl in the kink community from when I was 16 onward, so I have had decades of experience with creepy old guys hitting on me. I can count the old men on my fingers who have shown me the respect I deserved and given me the space that I wanted.

Now that some of my friend’s daughters have found their way into the kink community, they assure me that nothing has changed, and unwanted attention and touching is the rule, rather than the exception,

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Also to be clear: Yes, I know old men will say it’s generational. They will say that in their time, woman didn’t mind a pat on the bottom or a guy stealing a feel during a hug. However, that’s simply not true. Women always minded those things, but many never felt safe enough to say so until recently. It was actually never okay, and it’s not okay now.

By the way, I don’t think “It was okay in my day” is ever an acceptable excuse. You need to keep up with the times, or stay home and hide in shame. Going out and trying to behave in ways that have long since been changed (with good reason) isn’t cool, and it’s the reason that TNG munches were created in the first place.

I think the people who complain about TNG munches are what I always suspected when I was young: The worst sort of people. Look, just leave the damn kids alone. You dated young people when you were young. Let them enjoy dating young people while they are young.

And if your thing is going for people younger than your kids, at least have the class to find the ones who are into that by reading their profiles, and confine your efforts to those specific women.

One Last Thing: Older men assume that they can just be a “sugar daddy” and young women will date them even though they are grossed out. Once again, you have to look for that on a girl’s profile. I won’t be coerced into dating someone older than my father for any amount of money. I won’t do it for a free house, a car, and a million dollars. I never would have, even when I was 18 and starving to death. We’re allowed to have standards and we’re allowed to say no.

No one has to share your kink just because you want them to.

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I Don’t Owe You An Explanation

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Being kinky, we’re often part of a group that is looked down on or considered to be “freaks.” I am actually part of a few more protected classes than that. I’m queergender, bisexual, and female.

The hardest one of those is presenting as female, because I have faced a lot of discrimination over it. In particular, people in my higher math classes in college literally ignored me even when I knew they could hear me because they didn’t think a woman had a right to speak.

I may be queergender, but I live in a female body. That means the burden of birth control and the entire reproduction of the species is something I have to carry. Men grope and mock me all the time. I’ve had to fight very hard to be taken seriously in spaces where men just walked in and were treated well because they presented as men. It sucks being in a female body.

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In spite of all the discrimination I have faced in my life and that all women face, there will always be some asshole trying to shout us down and tell us that we have it easy because men like our tits.

I had a friend named (Insert Generic White Male Name Here.) This friend was a decent guy when I knew him in Korea, but unfortunately, he’s gotten mixed up in the MRA movement since then;- really toxic Jordan Peterson kind of stuff.

This manifested in him coming to my pages on social media and attacking me; though I never went to his pages on social media to attack him. It was violent and shitty, but I still tried to have a conversation with him because he used to be a friend. I sent him Christmas cards and shit. We used to be close. But anytime I would try to talk to him about something, he would do two things:

1. Refuse to educate himself and instead demand that I provide a long list of sources that HE approved of, as well as an in-depth explanation of those sources so he didn’t have to read them.

2. Take a bunch of deeply misunderstood principles from Philosophy and tell me that I had to follow them when I explained things to him exactly as he constructed, or nothing I said would matter.

This is abuse.

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I think it’s important to break down why this is abuse, and why it is unacceptable.

Now first off: As a woman, I don’t owe you sources or an explanation when I say things are not equal between the sexes. I’m relating a FACT, and it is up to you to educate yourself if you disagree, because statistics are on my side.

You can post on your own page about how men are the real victims all you want, and you can cry your sad little heart out. However, if you come to MY page and demand that I explain MY oppression, then you are automatically wrong.

You don’t get to make demands that someone teach you about the objective reality of the world in their own space.

Second, oppressed people already have to deal with being oppressed. That’s quite enough torture for us to put up with without you harassing us. And if you actually care, then you can go read the writings of oppressed people who talk about what it is like (women, transgender people, minorities, etc have all written books about it.) There are facts all over the library, and you can go find them. No one owes you an explanation. It is your responsibility to educate yourself.

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Third, no one has to conform to your format.

I said: “We used to be good friends, and it disappoints me that you would attack me like this. It hurts my feelings.”

His response? “Now you’re just trying to use emotional manipulation which is not a valid argument tactic so YOU’RE WRONG!!!!!!”

But, I wasn’t wrong.

In fact, I was totally on-point.

When someone you used to care about turns into a piece of shit, it does hurt. It hurts a lot. And saying that is valid.

The point is: I don’t have to talk to you in the way that you want to be talked to. Don’t be a fucking snowflake. You need to learn to handle your shit like a big boy and hear what people are saying. That’s what grown-ups do. You don’t scream like a little bitch: “You’re not saying things I want you to say, waaaaaa!”

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If you listen, you might learn something. If you cry and plug your ears, you won’t learn anything at all.

Those of us who are queergender, bisexual, and presenting female face all kinds of discrimination on a daily basis. We’re not too weak to hear the facts, because we get shit on every day by straight white cisgender men. You build up a thick skin when all your get all the time is discrimination and attacks. Then some white man comes along with skin so thin that a light breeze could tear it and demands that everyone stop what they are doing and spoon-feed him an explanation in exactly the way he wants.

Are you fucking kidding me? Are you?!?

I have always put in more effort than others. I’m the one who remembers birthdays and who sends Holiday cards. I’m the one who reaches out first, and the one who sends the first e-mail. I’m a nice person and I do my best to make people in my life feel valued.

But I draw the line at these incels who get into MRA bullshit and become the fragilest of fragile and expect to be coddled.

Look: We’re kinky. There’s not a lot of us and they are taking down our websites and trying to stop us from being able to engage with each other. We have a responsibility to each other and to our community to listen to each other and to educate ourselves. We have a responsibility to stick together.

So don’t be a piece of shit like (Insert Generic White Male Name Here.) Don’t turn on your fellow kinksters and become a whiny piece of shit too fragile to handle the fact that some people have more difficult experiences than you, and they don’t owe you an explanation.

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So… No Threesome Then?

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Six year ago my husband had to go for training in Missouri before we moved to Guam. I went to stay with my mom in Oregon for a year, and I dated a guy there who was kind of a mess, but nice. We’ll call him Kevin, since he just has a generic white guy name anyway and they’re all the same.

Anyway, Kevin had been married for 20 years and was in the process of getting over it. I thought he could use a little fun, so I took him along to the kink clubs of Portland and showed him a good time. It wasn’t thrilling or anything, but between him and the gorgeous young pet I kept while living there, I entertained myself.

When I left Portland, gorgeous young pet wandered off into drugs and hippy festivals in the woods, and I haven’t heard from him since (though I hope he’s okay.) However, Kevin stayed in touch. We met up several times over the years (since he lived near my mom) and things seemed fine other than him still being a bit of an Eeyore about everything.

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Now that I am living in Hawaii, all of a sudden everyone wants to “come visit me” (by which they mean they want a free place to stay in Hawaii.) Kevin was among those who asked to stay, and I agreed. He’d had a run of bad luck between his daughter’s suicide attempt, losing his job, and his older son having trouble in school due to being autistic. It was a lot to deal with and I thought some beach time would help.

However, Kevin had never spent any time around my husband. I just assume everyone who claims to be poly can handle that. I really wasn’t prepared for what a jerk he was about to be…

See, I knew Kevin had issues. He made the choice to stay in an unhappy marriage long enough to learn some bad behaviors. However, I don’t think I really understood that I was about to see all of them on display at once.

In every interaction he observed between my husband and I, he tried to find conflict. My husband and I do not fight, but Kevin tried to look for the hostility that he thinks is behind every word and gesture in a marriage, and it was exhausting.

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I would say some innocuous thing like:

Where are all the spoons?

This is code for:

Husband, I know there is a pile of tea cups on your desk with spoons in them. Bring them to me for spoons belong in the kitchen.”

But Kevin would immediately see hostility in my calm tone of voice and say:

Dude, she sounds pissed off. You better get her the spoons.”

It’s hard to show exactly how shitty it is to have someone gas-lighting your every conversation by trying to turn it into a fight when it’s not. And yes, I know that it’s not his fault because clearly he has a huge hangup about the idea of marriage. I get that. But, it’s no excuse to spend a week trying to see fights in every single thing a couple does.

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Then there was the mocking. My husband and I do try to keep affection to a minimum in front of company. However, we’re really happy and we really love each other, so sometimes we can’t help ourselves. And there was Kevin using a tone only a school-yard bully would use: “Yeah yeah I get it, you’re so fucking cute.”

Obviously I saw no reason to have a big breakup while he was here, since I had to drive him the airport and it would have been awkward. However, I breathed a sigh of relief when his cloud of misery and anger was safely dropped on the curb. Then, I sent a Dear John letter post hast.

It’s weird how you can know someone for six years and safely avoid their deep-deeded issues. And then all of a sudden, that shit can all jump out at you like a boogieman in the dark.

I’m so disappointed.

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Plus, one thing that sucks about being poly is that I never feel like I’m allowed to be sad about a breakup because I have this beautiful husband who brings me chocolates and loves me to pieces. And yet… six years is a long time to chat with someone, hang out with them, and exchange holiday gifts. It’s the end of A Thing.

I guess if the husband hadn’t been in training in Missouri the whole thing would have fallen apart six years ago when I realized how miserable and bitter Kevin was towards married people. However, things just happened to align in such a way that I didn’t find out until I’d already gotten attached, and that sucks.

Anyway, it’s okay to be sad when you break up with someone even if your life is still full of love and joy. Emotions are weird and complex, and we have the capacity to feel a lot of things at once.

One last thought: I am sick of the trope of the “crazy ex-girlfriend.”

Women tend to find someone new pretty easily, and it’s usually the men who end up brooding and getting weird. So I want to point out that I have a crazy ex-boyfriend who needs a lot of therapy, and it should be more acceptable to talk about how nuts men can get after a breakup. After all, a “crazy ex-girlfriend” refers to a girl who slashes your tires or tells your new girlfriend that you have Herpes. But ladies, we all know that a crazy ex-boyfriend can be dangerous. I live an ocean away from mine so it’ll be fine, but some women live in the same city, and many are murdered by their crazy ex-boyfriends.

May you all stay safe and happy, and may you avoid the ones with hidden issues.

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