Sexual Assault

*This is not kink-related. It is just something I needed to say, and there is nowhere else for me to say it. 

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I think back to my days working in a dungeon when I was a young girl, and I have to tell you: nearly every single guy that I ever interacted with hit on me to the point that I was uncomfortable. They refused to take “no” for an answer, and usually described their anatomy or showed me their anatomy in an attempt to “woo” me. They were downright disgusting, and I was expected to laugh it off because that is what women are supposed to do when men make them uncomfortable. And I’m ashamed to say that I did laugh it off for years.

There was only one guy in all the time I worked and played in the kink community who didn’t make me feel deeply uncomfortable. His name was Alex, and he was an amazing human being. Alex stands out like a candle in a field at midnight, because he was so unique and singular in his behavior. Alex treated me like a person.

When I was bar tending, it was about 90% of guys who came in that hit on me until I was uncomfortable. Those 10% who just paid for their beers and left without trying to fuck me were fabulous men, and they were a rare breed. I paid my way through my second degree slinging drinks, and a huge part of my job was getting groped by drunk men and having them tell me about how great their penises were. They hugged me just so that they could press their smelly bodies up against me, and they refused to pay me if I said no to their hugs or shrank from their grabbing.

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Now remember: This is not about the times that I was raped (those are separate stories.) We are only talking about times that men hit on me to the point that I was uncomfortable. And you should know that it was all the time. I was thin and attractive. Every man I ever encountered acted like he was entitled to hit on me, and then to slobber all over me and tell me why I should fuck them. Many were really old. Most were fat. I did not invite ANY of it. I did not want ANY of it.

I am writing about this because of the Kevin Spacey thing last year. Apparently, he was at a party 30 years ago, and he hit on a boy who didn’t want to be hit on. It is my understanding that it was at a Hollywood party full of stars, and that everyone was assumed to be over 21 because there was alcohol. From what I have read, Kevin Spacey hit on this boy and made him feel uncomfortable, and the boy finally decided to come forward and say that he was upset because of the way he was hit on.

Within a day of this coming out, House of Cards was pulled. No one doubted the boy’s story, or said that it was his own fault for dressing slutty and getting wasted at a party he shouldn’t have even been at. No one said that this boy was just lying to get money or attention. No one blamed him at all. They all believed him, blamed Kevin Spacey, and got House of Cards cancelled.

It’s been a year since then, and a verdict was quietly reached and ignored by the media. Since Kevin Spacey didn’t hold a press conference, I think we can be pretty sure that he was found guilty. And because he sexually harassed a man, there were professional consequences for him.

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Yet, even when a man is found guilty of raping a woman, they tend to serve very little jail time and face very few consequences. Look at Brock Turner, who was convicted of a brutal rape. It was so bad that the boys who witnessed it cried when describing it on the stand.

I think Brock Turner did three months in prison? I can’t recall. But, he hardly got the kind of time he deserved. It was a truly heinous act that he committed.

And that was a brutal rape. I’m not even talking about that. What we’re talking about in terms of Kevin Spacey is assault. I mean, sexual assault is not good, but I think we can all admit that it’s less bad than rape.

I just want to add my voice to this issue by saying that I have been harassed. Not just once or twice, but thousands of times a year for decades. And, while everyone claims that the #MeToo movement made a difference, I can’t see any evidence of that. I’m still getting harassed, and I still don’t see anyone caring.

What I am saying is: This scandal is the most sexist thing that I have ever seen, and if every guy who sexually harassed me went to jail, they would have to build several new jails to accommodate them all.

This is my story, but it is also every girl’s story because it happens to all of us.

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I was made to feel uncomfortable by men who hit on me from the moment I got my first job at thirteen. I was working at a frozen custard shop inside a Cousin’s Subs. It was called Uncle Bill’s Frozen Custard, and they came up with the idea for “mix ins” in frozen treats.

Anyway, thirteen-year-old me begged my boss, Bill Loker, to stop the other employees from hitting on me. I remember once a guy named Javier cornered me while I was cleaning the bathroom and slammed me into the wall. He shoved his tongue down my throat as I struggled to get away. My boss told me to deal with it on my own because that was just how it was (1995.)

The customers were just as bad. I remember one old man asking me to bring his custard to the table because he didn’t want to stand back up to get it when I was done mixing in his Oreos. I obeyed, and he grabbed my ass when I walked up to the table. I told my boss, but he again told me to suck it up.

A year later I faced the same kind of shit at The Coyote Grill. And after that, I faced the same shit at The Pink Pepper Thai Cuisine. Everywhere I worked in all those years that I was a minor, I was sexually harassed and assaulted by fellow employees and customers. And every time I complained, people told me that this was just how it was.

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If I had ever tried to get any of those men in trouble, the cops would have laughed me out of the police station. I know because I had a co-worker who tried to report an incident. The cops simply called her a whore and blamed her for wearing short skirts, and they didn’t even let her press charges.

First, they tried to persuade her that she had misunderstood what happened. When she insisted that she had not misunderstood, they then told her she was lying. And when she persisted, they called her a whore and said it was her fault and she’d been “asking for it.”

I am not saying that anyone should have to be sexually assaulted. I don’t think anyone should have to deal with that.

However, I am saying that women are called liars and whores for being raped, and Kevin Spacey got his show cancelled simply because he hit on someone who didn’t like it and it made the victim feel uncomfortable.

 

 

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Full Disclosure: I have never seen House of Cards, and I am not really a fan of Kevin Spacey. I guess he was okay in The Usual Suspects, but other than that, I have never really liked him in anything. So this really isn’t about him. It’s about the reaction of the masses to a boy being abused, and how different it is from the reaction of the masses to a girl being abused.

The MRA crowd is always saying that we have equality, but you have to look at the facts. Women get laughed out of police stations when trying to file rape charges, but men who are sexually assaulted are taken seriously often, and are even allowed to press charges.

I know that since last year the Incels and the MRAs have really ramped up their rhetoric. They’re been trying to convince everyone that men are the real victims and that nothing bad ever happens to women.

I just wanted you to know that sexual assault against women is so common that we sometimes feel like it’s pointless to even talk about it. We’re discouraged, and we’re tired.

And another thing: In the last year, men have used the #MeToo Movement as an excuse to refuse to hire women, citing that “I don’t know where the line is anymore.” Remember: When a gay man hits on them, they know exactly what sexual harassment is and where the line is. A guy who is being made uncomfortable by unwanted sexual advances knows exactly what is unacceptable and what is not okay.

The ploy that women are “too sensitive” and men “don’t know where the line is” is intended to shout down the women who come forward. It perpetuates the idea that men are too helpless and socially inept to know when they are being predatory, and it tells women that if they ever dare to complain, there will be consequences.

It’s not okay. None of this is okay. So be a good human, and don’t sexually assault women. No matter what a “pick-up artist” will tell you, we don’t like it.

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