Where You Live Matters

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I live in Guam right now.

It is a tiny island in the middle of nowhere, and you have to zoom in a long way to see it on Google maps.

The island of Guam only has around 170,000 people on it, and many of them are military (so often only available for short amounts of time.)

This makes kink difficult for two reasons:

1. Kinky people are always a percentage of the population, so the lower the population, the lower the number of kinky people.

2. Tiny communities mean that everyone knows everyone, so events are difficult and terrifying for locals because no one wants to run into their aunt or brother at a munch.

This means that living on Guam has been kind of a bummer for us.

My husband and I are the sort of people who feed off the energy of other people. In the absence of our community (for munches and fetish proms and dungeon time), it is hard to feel kinky. Sometimes we start to feel like two normal married people, and it’s like huge parts of ourselves have gone numb.

I don’t want to disparage Guam. It’s beautiful. I have been able to make friends with sea turtles and enjoy empty beaches and quiet time (since we’re not overrun by tourists like most tropical islands are.)

I have no right to complain about living in such a beautiful place. I am able to enjoy coral, fish, and reefs filled with beauty and warm water that stretch on for miles. If you want to go on a vacation, Guam is  great place to do it.

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However, as a kinky person, I do feel very much like I lost myself.

I have loved being in dungeons and at kink events since I was 14. I have loved the clothes, the people, and the play. It was all such a big part of my life for so long and it always felt good.

I remember thinking that it didn’t matter where we got sent after I was in Oregon, because one thing I learned teaching in South Korea is that there are kinky people everywhere. I never thought I would have to be without my community.

And then we came to Guam, and I realized that it’s too small for events and the few munches were spoiled by this one creepy guy, and this girl who was insufferable.

Note: Please don’t think I am being unfair. I don’t judge people lightly. I am a tolerant person and I mostly love everyone, but there are things that go too far. I will go into detail so that you can see what kind of behavior turns people off:

Creepy Guy: Refused to listen when others asked him to stop describing the complications he experienced during anal training right down to the color of his runny poop. Also hit on every single male and female that he encountered regardless of their orientation, relationship status, or interest. And, constantly talked about how desperate he was to be dominated by anyone.

Insufferable Girl: Cut everyone off no matter who was talking or what they were saying so she could talk about herself. Had nothing interesting to say about herself. Insisted constantly that she was beautiful and the best sub ever and needed to be bought cars and minks and shoes because of how wonderful she was. Literally interrupted everyone at the munch to go on and on about how wonderful she was and how we should all buy her things.

There are almost always a few bad apples at a public munch, so that in and of itself shouldn’t mean much, but the problem is that outside of those two, there were only six of us (three couples.) And we three do get together, of course. But it’s not the same as a community with events.

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We found out recently that we are moving to Oahu, and I admit, it’s not ideal. It’s another island and so there will be no road trips to the next state over for some fabulous event.

On the other hand:

1. There are nearly a million people there, so there are bound to be more kinky folks on Oahu than there are on Guam.

2. It’s less remote so it’s much easier to get flights from there to other places.

So, I feel like this is a step closer to having a community again. I can’t tell you how much that matters to me! The last three and a half years on Guam have definitely proven to me that I need my community.

I know that some people (who have access to a community of kinky people) will say “You’re better off without the drama.” And yes, I know there is always going to be nonsense when there is a group of people.

In Korea, I actually had a nemesis that I had no idea about until after I left. I guess I had planned an event in Seoul on the same weekend that she had planned one in Daegu (a city to the south.) Now, I did check the Seoul pages to see if there were any other events before picking a date, since I didn’t want to step on any toes. But it never occurred to me to check every obscure city in the country for events before planning my own.

This girl felt personally slighted because no one came to her event and she blamed me.

The rest of the time I was in Korea, though I had no idea, she was furious every single time I threw a play party, munch, or fetish prom.

In fact, she even came to one of my events once and (instead of confronting me about her feelings) was an enormous bitch to everyone. I think her name was Cat or something. I have no idea. But what I do know is, she hated me for years. And when I left, she threw a party to celebrate it.

So TRUST ME, I get that there is drama. I get that more people = more problems.

The universe has not given me the gift of being ignorant of how difficult a community can sometimes be. (Although in the case of Daegu girl I actually was ignorant since no one told me about it until after I left Korea.)

The point is, I know communities can be a hassle.

And yet, it means the world to me to have access to one.

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The thing is, community is so important. You look out there at society and all you see are normal relationships mirrored in every aspect of culture. They are all monogamous vanilla people just going about their lives being dull and boring.

For people like us, there is no model. I am bisexual. My husband is hetero-flexible. Neither of us are the slightest bit into gender at all. We’re kinky. And, we’re polyamorous.

People like us are not represented in the media, in culture, or in others that we meet. There are no goofy sitcom episodes about how a couple goes through a kink slump after living together for a while because comfort and BDSM do not always mix easily. There is no relationship guru radio show to call in to and talk about making space for kink in your life. There are not movies about poly couples happily chatting about their dates when they get home at night.

We are not reflected in what you see in advertising, media, entertainment, or your office Christmas party.

Without community, we are totally alone.

When we feel lost or need advice, there is no one to go grab tea with. I would give anything to have a fellow Dom to just get beers with from time to time and talk about shit. But this is Guam, and we are one of the most remote islands on Earth.

I have struggled with my isolation every day that I have lived on Guam, and I am so excited for it to be over.

So wish me luck on Oahu. I hope I meet amazing people there. But more than that, I hope you all appreciate your communities wherever you are, because it’s awful to be without one. Friends who are like you matters so much more than I can express.

Enticing Your Dom

Why doesn’t my Dom play scenes as much?

I get very few questions from submissives, which may be simply due to their nature, or which may be due to my own. Either way, a charming women asked me:

“When we were dating, we used to play scenes all the time. Now that he moved in with me, my Dom almost never sets up scenes for me. Why is that?”

I had to probe a little bit further into the relationship to get a clear picture of why that would be, but here is what it comes down to:

1. Change in Behavior

The submissive used to write these long, heartfelt essays to her Dom about how much she loved this or that element of a scene. She did this is the time that she was sitting alone at her apartment. When her Dom did come to see her, she always made sure to wear cute clothes and act as sexy as possible. In other words: She used to be grateful and she used to aim to impress.

However, once her Dom moved in, she stopped writing to him (since she was never alone at home missing him anymore.) And, she stopped prancing around trying to impress him because he was always around and keeping that up 24/7 is exhausting.

The Problem: 

Submissive folks may not realize this, but getting into a Dominant headspace requires ego. Someone has to be stroking your ego to make you want to set up and play out a scene. It’s a lot of work to get a playlist you like, set up the toys and the space, and then get into the headspace needed to truly dominate someone and be in total control.

It’s harder still to do all of that with someone that you have come to love, because the very comfort that love provides runs counter to feelings of dominance.

If a submissive used to write kinky love letters and act cute and then they stop, then all activity that prompted feelings of Dominance is gone. You are effectively expecting your Dom to do all of the work, but you are not doing any yourself.

Don’t worry. We all get lazy in relationships sometimes. It’s understandable. However, if you get lazy, then you should not be surprised if your Dom gets lazy too.

The Solution: 

Every kinky couple that I know who is still going strong has a sub who has never stopped trying to please their master. He/she is always vocal about wanting to serve, and they have continued the behaviors that made their Dom want to set up scenes for them in the first place.

Maybe you feel like there are things that have come up in the relationship that have caused you to feel resentful. Maybe because of those things, you have stopped trying to be appealing to your Dom. This can happen.

However, if you want them to be inspired to tie you down and play with you until you scream, then you have to give them something first: Respect and some ego stroking. That is the trade-off, and there is no way around it. No one is just going to set up scenes for you and make you feel magical if you aren’t doing anything for them. Relationships involve give and take, not just taking. (Even vanilla relationships involve effort by both partners.)

2. Keep It Fresh

Let’s say that your Dom had a lot of toys when you met. Let’s say that those toys are fun, but that they are getting a little boring for your Dom and so they are less interested in playing with them. I mean, how many times can you get excited by the same old flogger? Not many.

And then there is the matter of you, dear submissive. How have you tried to please your master today? Is it the same old way as always? Did you just ask if they wanted a back rub or offer to go down on them? If it’s tired, then they are tired of it.

Worse, sometimes a sub will turn their master down any time they bring up a new idea, forever insisting that anything new is a “hard no” and “outside their comfort zone.”

The Problem: 

Your Dom is a human being. Human beings are bored by routines. If you don’t offer anything new, or say no to all their ideas for something new, then they are going to stop wanting to play. That is not unusual and if you are surprised by this, you are being naive.

The Solution: 

First, consider buying your master a new toy for a special occasion such as Valentine’s day. Dress cute, set a nice mood, and present them with a new whip or a new set of cuffs, and tell them that you would be honored if they used the new item on you.

Next, try something new. If you are always offering to rub their shoulders, mix it up and ask if you can comb/brush their hair. If you are the sentimental type, bake them a cake or create some sort of memento to honor an anniversary or special occasion. Find some new way of expressing your feelings of submission and adoration.

And finally, stop saying no. So many submissives turn down all new ideas in a relationship because they are comfortable. Don’t do that. Or, if you have to, then come up with a counter offer. Example: He asks to fist your ass. You think you have not worked your way up to that and that even your big butt plug is not that big. Okay. That is fair. But come up with a counter proposal. Example: “Well, I think that might really hurt me, but I would be willing to try a bigger butt plug or wear a tail for you.”

3. Make Space for Kink

A lot of times, a couple who does not live together will look forward to playing a kink scene and have lots of alone time to set it up or get ready to go be part of it. They can text and talk about how excited they are, and what they want to do. They have time to think, plan, and fantasize.

The Problem: 

Once you live together, you are having the mundane moments together as well. Now, don’t get me wrong! I live life in the mundane. I love little moments when I am cooking with my husband, or cuddling while watching TV after dinner. The non-sexual moments that you share are so important, because they help shape so much of who you are as a couple. They matter.

However, those moments fill up your days, and you find that there never seems to be a “right time” to engage in kink. Sex might happen organically when you go to bed, but a whole scene with all the toys, music, etc might not.

Side Note: I think even when kinky people have “vanilla” sex, they are still enjoying power dynamics and having more fun than vanilla people.

Still, you might find that as comfort and love creep in, there seems to be less time and space for kink.

The Solution: 

You need to make space in your relationship for kink. For me, eating a meal with my husband involves watching TV because I am one of the those psychotic people who hates the sound of chewing. The cooking, eating, and watching TV is comfortable and makes it impossible to get into the kink headspace.

To solve this, I told him that some days he should let me know that he would eat on the way home. That way, we can eat separately and meet up just for sex.

Conclusion:

These are just a few suggestions. And of course, each relationship is different. What works for one couple may not work for another. The key is to be honest about what you want, and for your partner to be honest about what they want. Then you just work to have it together.

They’re Tied Up: What now?

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Pre-Scene Ritual

So first, there are pre-scene things you should do. I have written about them before. They are things like discussing scene ideas with your partner, making a welcoming setting with music and toys laid out, and attending to personal grooming such as cutting finger nails and filing off the rough edges. Particularly when bringing in a new person who wasn’t into kink, I recommend a BDSM checklist as part of your pre-scene preparations.

Over time, these pre-scene things often become a ritual which helps you to get into the right head space for kink. Getting into the right head space is really important, so focus on making your pre-scene ritual a time when you gear up for what you want to do.

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Restraints

For most submissives, some sort of restraint is required to get them into their head space. So, you’ll want to consider your options. You can always go quick and dirt and tie someone up with gear ties. They are great on a budget and they are really effective. I use them a lot, because even after 20 years in the scene, I am not trying to be fancy.

That’s just me. You do you. But there is sometimes beauty in simplicity.

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If you want to put more effort into the restraints part, you can buy cuffs and clips and go that route. There are lots of different kinds of restraints if you are willing to spend the money. Spreader bars can be used between cuffs, as well as chains. And you can always clip the cuffs directly to one another if you feel like making your sub into a pretzel for a little while.

You might go all out and make or buy furniture to attach cuffs to. Spanking benches, stocks, and St. Andrew’s Crosses can all be fun. Of course, furniture can also be extremely pricey and take up a lot of space. It’s hard to hide from children, too. Because of this, furniture isn’t for everyone.

If you can’t have furniture at home, remember to look up local dungeons online. You may find that there is somewhere within driving distance where you can try out a sex swing, cross, or spanking bench.

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If you want to be really, really fancy, you can learn shibari and make tying your sub up a prominent part of the scene. This works fine all on its own, or it can be done in conjunction with installing hard points around the house to suspend your sub from or to tie them to.

Remember that shirabi can be dangerous and you can really hurt people if you do it wrong, so learn from competent professionals online or at your local dungeon.

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Scene Ideas: Orgasms

Once your sub is restrained in the method of your choosing, you can move on to other things. If your sub is a girl, I highly recommend that you start with orgasms. People can withstand a lot more pain if they are in a state of arousal. Personally, I am not lucky enough to be one of those girls that can get off from vibration. We’re all different and that is just my cross to bear. And, since fingers are too rough, I require direct clitoral stimulation with a tongue.

Some of my favorite scenes where I was the submissive started with a few orgasms from some very devoted boys who had talented tongues. God bless all the fabulous boys and girls who love to eat pussy. You are the real heroes.

If your girl is lucky enough to get off from vibration, you have options! There are lots of vibrators on the market. However, just skip them all and get the magic wand. I have played with a lot of girls, and I know that it’s a matter of force. The magic wand has the most force behind it, and therefore it does the best job. I know some men get hung up on big vibrators (“It’s bigger than my dick and I don’t like that.”) But just get over it because her orgasms aren’t about you.

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Remember: Unlike men, women only need a minute or two in between orgasms. So you only need to take a brief pause instead of a 20 minute rest.

If your sub is a boy, you don’t want to let him have an orgasm. Men cum, and then they wilt. It’s really boring. That doesn’t mean you can’t tease him. You can! But if you let him have an orgasm, that will probably require a long pause in the scene or be the end of it.

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Scene Ideas: Impact Play

There are lots of different things that you can use for impact play. Be creative if need be! A wooden spoon from the kitchen is a totally valid toy for impact play, as are books in place of paddles. If you are on a budget or if you are traveling, you can use anything.

I have some homemade toys, which were gifts from people (because DIY BDSM can be fun.) For example, I have a ping pong paddle given to us by friends. They covered it with a plastic material with the word “Pet” cut out of it, because that is what I call my husband. They also gave us a homemade whip which is from a material that looks like faux alligator skin.

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I go for simple with restraints. I like gear ties. However, when it comes to impact play, I love my whips and floggers. I think for me, the look of the toys themselves is one of my fetishes. I love the way a flogger looks draped over a chair. I love the way it looks being slowly dragged across someone’s skin. I love the way it looks flying through the air. They are beautiful toys, and from the first time I saw my first flogger, I have been totally hooked.

Remember that with whips and floggers, a steady pace and a figure eight motion is best. Start slow and gradually build intensity over time. With paddles you can also build intensity, or you can go hard and take breaks in between.

The key is really to watch your sub. I had a girl who wanted me to straight-out beat on her for as long as I could with a flogger. The harder, the better. I hit her until my arms were sore and she begged for more. However, some subs are more into the suspense than the actual pain. For them, you want to pause a lot to let them absorb the fact that they are restrained and being hit, and let them enjoy it. It’s often more the idea than the pain, so keep that in mind.

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Scene Ideas: Pushing Your Sub

You also want to do things to push the limits of your submissive. This can mean face-fucking them until they cry. It can mean tightening the nipple clamps until they scream. It can mean working your way from inserting a finger to inserting your entire fist. Get a violet wand and electrocute them in various sensitive areas.

Your goal as a Dominant is to put your submissive into sub space. The restraints are a good start, and so are all the other toys and play. But in the end, you are probably going to need to push their limits in some way in order to really push them into the head space that they want to see.

Remember: You should never push them beyond the boundaries that you have agreed on in your scene negotiations. If they say “no fisting” then you don’t do it. 

However, within the boundaries that your sub has set, it is good to push them as much as you can so that they feel properly abused.

This can mean different things to different people, so you may want to Google and go through lists with your sub and talk about new and different ideas.

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Scene Ideas: Untie Your Sub

Of course the stereotype for BDSM is tying people up and hitting them. It’s what they write about in all the books. However, anything at all can be kinky if you do it in a kinky head space. You may untie your sub and tell them to serve you a glass of lemonade because you need a break. As long as they get the glass, pour the lemonade, and present it to you in the mindset of a sub, it’s still part of the scene. In fact, service-oriented subs often love the chance to make you a sandwich, pour you a drink, serve you your food, and then rub your feet while you eat.

Don’t be bound by the restraints. I know it’s easy to get that way if you learned about kink from popular culture. However, kink is a mindset. Anything at all can be kinky if you make it that way.

Order your sub to kneel for you so you can use them as a foot stool while you watch TV. Order them to rub your feet. Order them to do the helicopter with their penis if they are a boy, or to bounce their boobs for you if they are a girl. Whatever you can think of that would be degrading to them can be fun.

Some people prefer to call this “training,” (as in teaching your sub how to crawl around.) I think this has been built up a lot in books, but it’s not everyone’s fantasy. Personally, I find it to be cumbersome and not as interesting as watching a girl cum over and over or watching a boy squirm while I hit him. However, some subs read a lot of Anne Rice and really want to be “trained.” So, that is another “off leash” activity, if you will pardon the borrowing of a dog-training expression.

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Scene Ideas: Talk

Remember that falling into silence is often the mark of a lazy Dom. Most subs prefer you to talk to them. For example, if you are torturing them by stretching them wide open, maybe narrate as you do.

“Oh look, now I have three fingers in your tight little pussy. I bet you like that, you little slut. And now we’re up to four fingers. Do you like that? Oooo, now I have my whole fist inside of you. I bet you love being stretched open like the whore that you are.”

That kind of thing can help to  make a sub feel like they are being included in the scene. Sometimes a sub can disassociate and disengage (so it’s almost like everything is happening to someone else.) Talking to them keeps them with you in the scene, and forces them to confront the things that are happening to them. That can help push them into sub space more quickly.

Now of course, check with your sub about this. Not all of them like to be talked to. Some prefer to disengage from a scene and just let things happen to them. This is why BDSM is not a one-size-fits-all kind of thing where you can use the same moves on everyone. Each person will have different preferences, and part of the fun of kink is learning the ways that new people want to be tortured.

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After Care

The most important part is After Care. Make sure that you cuddle your sub after each scene. Let them come down from the endorphins.

Once they are calm, it’s always a good idea to talk though the scene and see how they felt about various parts of it. If they felt really excited by the violet wand, but really turned off by the animal-tail butt plug, you want to know that for next time.

A lot of times I run into guys on fetlife.com or on dating websites who want to just play one scene or just have a one-night stand. This is antithetical to everything kink, in my opinion. A good kink relationship involves getting to know someone and learning to know them. A sub has to get to know me to know the right way to get me off. A have to know them to know the right way to hit them. It all takes time, and learning and negotiating is part of the fun.

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Orientation Series: Poly vs Mono

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So far, we have talked about Kink Orientation and Gender Orientation. These are things that occur on a spectrum, where there are rarely absolutes.

In my experience, being polyamorous or monogamous is also an orientation. And, like other orientations, it is on a spectrum.

You might say: How can that be? You either sleep around or you don’t, right? However as always, the world is full of all kinds of nuance.

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Example One: Katie is only interested in sleeping with her boyfriend. She doesn’t like to date, and she doesn’t want to have sex very often. This is not a reflection on who she is with. She just has a low libido. However, she knows that her boyfriend loves her and she is not insecure, so she doesn’t mind that he sometimes sleeps with other girls. He always tells her about it, and he never brings them home. This makes it easy for Katie to feel comfortable with dating a polyamorous person even though she is monogamous. She is monogamous but open.

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Example Two: Sidra really loves her husband. He is her favorite person and she cannot ever imagine her life without him. She doesn’t want anyone else to be in their home, and she doesn’t want anyone else raising their daughter. She is happy with everything about their life. However, she loves the feelings of falling in love. She loves the feeling of people finding her attractive. She has a high libido and really wants to have sex with the attractive men who flirt with her. Her husband only has eyes for her, and he is fiercely in love with her, though his sex drive is low. Thankfully, he understands that she has needs. He may not want to sleep around, but he doesn’t mind of she does. She is respectful and never brings the men home where her family might have to meet them, and at her husband’s request she doesn’t talk about what she does. They refer to it as her going on a “mini-vacation.”

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Example Three: Jack is bisexual. He is married to Jill, whom he adores. However, she is a girl, and he is bisexual. Thankfully, Jill is bisexual as well. She understands that sometimes Jack needs to be with a man. After all, sometimes she needs to be with a girl. Jack and Jill both occasionally date. They only date same-sex partners, though. It would hurt Jill’s feelings if Jack slept with another woman. And, it would hurt Jack’s feelings if Jill slept with another man. They know that some bisexual people are monogamous and choose a partner of one sex or the other and just settle down and be happy. Neither of them are able to do that, but that is okay because they are consenting adults who are happy with their non-traditional arrangement. They tell each other about their experiences with same-sex partners, and they both actually think it’s a really big turn on.

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Example Four: I am pansexual, which means that I like to have all kind of sex. Threesomes, orgies, exhibitionism, kink, whatever. I have sex with men, women, transsexuals, and virgins who have no idea what they are yet. My husband is also pansexual and doesn’t really seem to care what experience he is having as long as it is new. We have lots of sex with each other. But, we also have sex with lots of other people. Sometimes together, sometimes separately. We tell each other about it, because we both enjoy imagining each other with other people (or watching each other with other people.) Last summer he had sex with my friend, who is very straight and not interested in a girl seeing her naked. I was disappointed that she didn’t want me to be involved, but I didn’t want to deny him the experience. So, they had sex a couple nights in a row, and I hung out online. Sure, I was a little jealous. But we both have moments when we are jealous, and we recognize and manage our jealousy because we don’t want to deny each other new and exciting experiences.

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These are just a few examples of different ways in which people can be varying degrees of polyamorous or monogamous. Just remember that the key is always consent. You need to be honest with your partner about what you are comfortable with, and then make sure that they are someone respectful enough to stay within your boundaries.

Remember, it’s not cheating with consent. As long as you have consent and are respectful of boundaries, then its just good fun.

Note: I still haven’t figured out how to do Valentine’s Day, so if any of you have suggestions, feel free to let me know.

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Orientation Series: Gender

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Gender is really hard for me to talk about. I just don’t have the language for it. I have a friend who I saw recently in Hawaii, and she may be the only person on Earth who actually gets my gender, because she is the same way.

Like with Kink and Vanilla, it is a spectrum. However, there are more components to gender orientation, because there are more aspects to consider.

In order to explain just how complicated it is, I will frame it around my experience as an example, and then we’ll talk about it.

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So, I am a guy. I have always been a guy. As a kid I liked bugs, sports, building tree houses, playing with remote control cars, and anything else the boys were doing. My sister played with Barbie dolls, and they always bugged me. Once, my cousin Chris and I stole some fireworks from his mom’s garage, tied them around one of the Barbies, and then watched the doll explode in midair after we threw it off the deck of my house. It was very satisfying.

Some people would argue: Well, you’re just a tomboy. I get that. You see girls that like to do guy things and you think they are all the same.

However, I am not a girl who likes to do guy things. I am a guy. I have the swagger, I hold doors open for my girlfriends, and sometimes when I look at a hot girl I experience the most pronounced feelings of gender dysphoria because I can feel the penis I don’t have getting hard when I think about fucking her. Not with my fingers or with a dildo, but with the penis I was meant to have. And I can actually feel it even though it is not there.

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I spite of this, I don’t want to transition. There are lots of reasons for this. For example, science cannot make me a penis. They can make me a prosthetic that I have to pump up like a balloon, but it would never feel like a penis. Also, I learned to live with it, and now I have gotten used to it. Yes, I am a guy. That is one component of my gender identity. However, I am also a guy in a girl’s body. And that has become part of my gender orientation. It was not part of who I was as a child, but it became part of who I was some time during puberty, and now the girl body is just as much a part of my identity as the boy insides.

If you ask me, this is because to some extent, form dictates behavior.

What I mean is, you can’t have a girl’s body and not have certain experiences. The first time your best friend looks at your tits and it crushes your soul that he sees you as a girl. The first time your dad’s creepy friend smacks your butt. The first time you are sexually harassed in public. Your first period. The first time someone shames you for having a period. The first time a teacher dismisses your comment in a science or math class. The first time someone keeps going after you say “no.”

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Part of me just felt gender dysphoria, and therefore a deep sense of betrayal, when men objectified me.

However, part of me integrated it into who I was. All women do this. Some later become self-aware and fight the internalized misogyny. Others don’t. However, all of us cope with the constant objectification and shaming by internalizing it at first.

Once I had done that, being in a female body became part of who I was.

So, there is really no way to explain my gender orientation except to say that I am a man who lives in a woman’s body. Every part of that description matters, because my identity as a human relies on each caveat.

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Also, sex is confusing.

When I am having sex with a girl it feels really good because the part of me that is a guy is really into fucking a beautiful woman. However, part of me is miserable that I have to have lesbian sex with the girl because I don’t have a penis. For this reason, I like to date girls (open doors for them, pay for dates, buy them little gifts) but then watch my husband have sex with them because I can’t have the kind of sex that I want to with them, and he can. I have to tell you, not many girls are into dating a “girl” but then having sex with a “guy.” So… confusing.

And sex with guys… I don’t know. To some extent, form dictates behavior. So, at least I have that going for me. I guess over the years I found it easier (less effort and less emotional pain) to just fuck men.  So somehow I got used to it, and eventually even to like it. I mean, it doesn’t matter who licks your pussy as long as you cum, right?

Outside of sex, guys I date are just dudes I hang out with. We drink whiskey and argue about politics. We talk about girls and motorcycles that we loved. We help each other diagnose car problems. We just chill, because we are just dudes hanging out.

Actually, I relate a lot to the article I read recently about straight guys who fuck guys. I don’t know how to explain it, but it’s just not like gay sex (which is its own thing entirely.) It’s just guys who happen to be horny, so why not fuck?

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The Point: I consider “A Guy in a Chick’s Body” to be my gender orientation.

A lot of us don’t have simple genders that can easily fit into the box of “girl” or “boy.” Some of us feel like both. Some of us feel like neither. Some of us are on a spectrum between the two somewhere. And you don’t have to identify as “male” or “female.” The very idea that you should have to is absurd.

I would also like to give a shout out to all the intersex people.

In the US, they make up about 1.7% of the population. So, if you know 100 people, you probably know at least one person who is intersex. These are folks who were born with both genitalia, and their parents chose a sex for them when they were babies. Personally, I think that is extremely wrong. They should be allowed to grow up as they are, intact, and then decide for themselves if they want to be one or the other.

The percentage of intersex births is actually on the rise. It is my personal opinion that many of the people who are trying to desperately to push the narrative of “male” and “female” are just intersex people who were mutilated at birth. Their parents probably tried really hard to force them into a gender because they were horrified to have had an intersex baby, and thus the children place too much emphasis on “acting their gender.”

For the rest of us, I think it’s about time that we just admit that it is a complicated issue and let people identify as whatever the fuck they feel like. It’s just easier that way.

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Boy inside (blue) + Girl Outside (pink) = The Lady Violet.

(For those of you that never got the joke behind my Domme name and favorite color.) 

Orientation Series: Kink vs Vanilla

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A lot of people think of orientations as binary. Of course, this is a myth. Everyone falls somewhere on a spectrum. In the case of kink, this means that people who are kinky are mostly not always kinky all the time.

I actually had a hilarious conversation with a vanilla friend of mine about this the other day. She asked how we could be kinky when it seemed like so much work to always have to get out toys and handcuffs and stuff.

There are two issues that I have with that:

1. Kink does not require accouterments. In other words, you can use whips and chains, but kink is about the power dynamic between two people. As long as there is a power dynamic in place, then you are having kinky sex. A lot of kink is in your mind.

2. It’s true that I am kinky. However, that doesn’t mean that all the sex I ever have is kinky. Sometimes I just want to fuck. Is that how it is for everyone? No! Every relationship is different. Every person is different. But for me, I enjoy vanilla sex and kinky sex. I am not one or the other, I am both.

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As far as orientation goes, there are a lot of different things that fall under the umbrella of “kink.” If you ask five people what “kink” means, you will get five different answers.

For example: I asked my vanilla friend Kevin what he thinks of when he thinks of kink. He said he thinks of “those freaks who dress up like animals and have sex.”

That is called a Furry Fetish, and while vanilla people might find it “kinky” to their own minds, not all Furries identify as kinky. In fact, Furries identify as animals, and mostly have vanilla sex (in animals costumes.)

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What I mean by vanilla sex is: There is no power dynamic.

I think the reason that you can ask five different people what “kink” is and get five different answers is because a lot of people who are not in the community think of “kinky” as things you do. You see these typical vanilla people sitting around debating if anal sex is “kinky” or not, and you just have to laugh. In fact, my vanilla friend Kevin even said once that his girlfriend Kat was “kinky” for being enthusiastic about sex.

So look: Individual sex acts are in the eye of the beholder.

A cisgender straight couple might think that anal sex is really wild. However, a gay couple will laugh this off because it is normal to them. A transgender straight couple might also think that fisting is “kinky.” A lesbian couple would very likely disagree. So what is “normal” to one person is not normal to another.

Kink is something else. It is the mindset of being in control or being submissive in a sexual situation. Let me give you a scenario and we’ll talk about it:

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Scene: A man meets a woman on a website called Back Page. He agrees to pay her to have sex with him. They meet in a hotel room and have sex.

There is a group of people who will shout and yell about how this is exploitation of one, the other, or both parties. There are people who think it should be illegal. There are people who will assume that the girl is trafficked and people who will be furious at the thought of this scene taking places.

However, I would argue that you have to look at what each of them is thinking before you make any value judgments.

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Example Female Perspective: Like most sex workers, Natalie picks her clients carefully based on what she is looking for. She has a kink for being exploited like a nasty little whore. It really turns her on. She picked this guy off Back Page out of hundreds of offers. She is pleased that she gets to fulfill her kink and make money at the same time.

Natalie’s husband thinks this is really hot. He has a cuckhold fantasy, so he gets really turned on by the idea of someone else fucking his wife. Sometime Natalie secretly records her Johns having sex with her so that she can watch it together with her husband. He loves seeing her in compromising positions with other guys, but his favorites are the really ugly guys because it turns him on to imagine her hesitating and having to force herself to submit to them.

For Natalie, the forced submission is a big part of the attraction. She is so involved in what the actions mean that she almost doesn’t feel them as they are happening. For her, it is just really hot to kneel before some John who is a stranger to her and who she isn’t attracted to. It is a fight with herself to become a better and more obedient submissive; one worthy of the title. If she can give herself willingly to someone because she was told to, it exemplifies her discipline and poise as a perfect sub.

Summary:  I want you to realize that these are real fetishes, and I know real sex workers who do it because it is their kink. The sex they have with their Johns is 100% vanilla, but it is kinky to them because they are fulfilling their fantasies of exploitation. So, even though their Johns just want a blowjob and then to fuck them in the missionary position, it is still kinky sex, because it is kinky in the minds of the women doing it.

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Example Male Perspective: Dan feels out of control. His life is not going the way he wants. So, he goes to Back Page and finds himself a good-looking escort and plans to meet with her to have sex. He doesn’t care that it costs $2,000, and it doesn’t mean he doesn’t like his wife at home (who he loves to fuck.)

The problem is that, with his wife, he has to think of her needs and be respectful of her. She doesn’t have to do what he wants with no reciprocation. He thinks of her as a person. But right now he doesn’t want a person, he wants an object to do his bidding and make him feel in control of something again.

For Dan, it is not about the sex. It is about being the architect of the situation and having complete authority over what happens. He is not turned on by the body of the escort that he has purchased for the night (although she is hot.) Rather, he is turned on by the fact that she has to do whatever he says. If he tells her to bark like a dog, she will. He doesn’t want her to bark like a dog. But, he gets off on the fact that this woman is in his control and that he is exploiting her for sex on his terms.

Dan fucks her roughly and cums on her face. This is something that he would never do to his wife. He respects her too much! That is why he is in a hotel room with some strange girl instead of with his wife.

Then he thanks Natalie and goes home feeling more in control of the world and more confident about himself. He has fulfilled his fantasy of being in control of a perfectly submissive woman, and that was all he really wanted out of the experience.

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You see, the sex itself was not kinky. But it was kinky in the minds of both Dan and Natalie. Both of them were satisfying their fetishes, and in their minds it was kinky.

When you look at kink this way, as a mindset, you can see that everyone is a little bit kinky.

Anyone could look at the average fetish list and find a few things that they are interested in.  (If you don’t believe me, I challenge you to try it.) However, most people only have one or two kinks. As long as they occasionally satisfy these kinks, they feel fulfilled.

Personally, I am of the more depraved variety. Most of my porn came to me on a flash drive because that kind of stuff is not available online. I like dungeons and orgies and all the toys. I am not just a little kinky, I am excited about all the kinks! The harder the better, you know?

However, I just want you to realize that everyone falls somewhere on the spectrum between kink and vanilla. It is not a binary state. And no one should be judgmental about where you fall on the spectrum.

I know I give vanilla people a hard time sometimes, but I am just playing. Like I said, sometimes I just want to fuck, too. We all have those days.

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Scene Music

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Everyone has their own ideas about what kind of music sets a good tone for a scene. Some people prefer classical music because they think that it is classy. Some prefer whatever music they normally listen to because music isn’t really something that they think of as part of the scene.

For me personally, I prefer Goth/Industrial because it makes me feel like a Dominatrix. Here is a list of some of the music I would recommend if your taste is anything like mine.

Let’s start with a band called element a440. You probably don’t know them, but you should.



My second-favorite scene music is definitely Faderhead. The track I wanted to embed is called “Like a Rocket,” but they don’t have a video for it. So, here’s one that’s a little more low-key but still good.



I also really enjoy some older music that still has a good sound to it. I have been a fan of Rob Zombie for sexytime since ever since.



As far as music that never gets old, I don’t think that I could ever be sick of Manson. I am an old-school Goth from way back, so I can’t really help myself. I love Manson. And all his songs make me feel sexy because I remember dancing to them at The Nile and Transylvania and other Phoenix Goth clubs when I was young and hot and awesome.



I also like to get a little harder sometimes, so I include some metal. When I am flogging someone in a soft and teasing way and then a really good metal song comes on, it makes me really let loose. Children of Bodem is my favorite, and it doesn’t get better than Needled 24/7.



I also adore Hardwire because they are really what Industrial music is all about, and sometimes you just need to feel like you are in a torture chamber in an abandoned warehouse.



I think the important thing is to think about what music makes you feel sexy and powerful. Do you love punk? Do you feel empowered listening to Hardcore industrial? Okay. Then through that on your playlist for a scene. It’ll help you get into the right headspace, and that is really the hardest part of kink for most people.