Polyamory Series: Not About Threesomes

29967187383_afde584430_n

Last week I kicked off the Polyamory Series with a basic introduction to the idea of polyamory. If you have not read it yet, please do.

Today, I want to talk about my deep and unending annoyance with men who hear “polyamory” and think “I am going to fuck so many bitches and have all the threesomes.”

Polyamory is not about you sleeping around while your partners do not, nor is it about having threesomes. Poly-amorous people do sometimes have threesomes and even orgies, but that is absolutely not what it is about.

I am going to spell this out in great detail because I am sick of people getting this wrong.

images

I have been on a lot of dates in my life. I tell guys prior to dates that I am married, and that we are poly-amorous. I always think that is quite clear, and then I hear nonsense like:

1. “My wife doesn’t know, but that’s okay, right?”

2. “My wife is only into it if you will have sex with both of us.” 

3. “My wife would have to like your husband.”

4. “We just want a unicorn so your husband is out.”

And a bunch of other offensive and ignorant shit.

Let’s talk about how sick to death I am of coupes who think it’s less complicated if they date a girl together than if they both have relationships they want.

*Sigh*

It’s just not less complicated. And the logic behind this misconception is often so tragic that it makes me miserable.

26open-master768

Threesome logic for vanilla monogamous types:

Guy: I want to fuck two bitches at once!!!

Girl: I guess it’s not so bad if he sleeps with someone else if I am there? And you know, maybe she will be better at going down on me than he is… 

No! Just fucking no!

If you really think you want a unicorn (term for a girl that dates a couple) then you had better both be thinking about what YOU can do for HER, because there are very few women with the slightest interest in dating a couple and they do not exist to please you.

So please guys, get it out of your head that some beautiful girl is going to come along and think that your balding head is hot and that your fat wife is gorgeous, and about how she wants to take you both on at once.

This. Will. Never. Ever. Ever. Happen. 

I am so sick of self-centered men that I can hardly stand it sometimes. Even if you have six-pack abs and a 10 inch dick, you are not god’s gift. Trust me. I have one of those at home already, so don’t think you are all that and a bag of fucking chips.

I am not impressed.

Threesomes_f9d4be_5183184

So first pet peeve is men who think polyamory is in any way related to threesomes. Just stop it, okay?

While we are on the subject of threesome though: Guys often act like they want it and girls don’t and it’s some goal to quest over. It’s always losers on reddit.com or 4Chan.org going on and on about how they just want to get two girls in bed.

Again: No one is obligated to give a shit what you want.

Instead, let’s talk about what women want.

If they want a threesome, it is probably with two guys. One of the most common straight female fantasies is to sleep with multiple men. So stop thinking about all those boobs you are going to grab think about what your girlfriend wants.

1909-amy

Next, remember that a threesome is probably not the best course of action. If you want to sleep with other people then you should. However, it is ridiculous to expect your partner to agree with you on who to sleep with. That is why you should both choose your own partners and have separate relationships with them that are not part of your primary relationship.

You might want a threesome with two girls (not that any of you ever know what to do with them when you get them,) but your girlfriend probably wants to date a guy that is different from you because women like variety, too. So go date your different girl, and let your girlfriend go date someone else as well. Forget the threesome thing.

And ladies: Please try to have the self-esteem to not be used and pushed around. Don’t be talked into a threesome that you don’t want because the unicorn can always tell. Trust me.

threesome.jpg

Anyway, the point of all this is:

Stop confusing threesomes with polyamory. They are not the same thing. They are often mutually exclusive categories, in fact.

It’s very important that you understand this. Polyamory does involve dating more than one person at a time. However, it does not mean having sex with more than one person at a time.

(Sometimes it is easier to explain something by what it is not.)

Polyamory Series: Introduction

p7P_SRKs

Polyamory  is typically the practice of, or desire for, sexual relationships where individuals may have more than one partner, with the knowledge and consent of all partners.  It has been described as “consensual, ethical, and responsible non-monogamy.

So first, let’s talk about monogamy. This is a relationship between two people that is sexually exclusive. A lesbian couple, a gay couple, or a heterosexual couple; may fall in love and decide that their relationship should be exclusive and not include anyone else.

Hallmarks of this kind of behavior are jealousy, restrictions and rules for spending time with people outside the relationship, and an idea that the other person is “all you will ever need.”

Does this mean that Poly couples don’t ever get jealous? Of course not! You can have three boyfriends and a girlfriend and still be jealous if your husband wants to spend Valentine’s Day with someone else. And yes, the relationship webs that can develop in a poly community are often very complicated. I will get into that later in the series. For now, I just want to explain some hallmarks of Polyamory.

Consent

First: Consent.

This is the most important part and so I can’t possibly stress this enough. In a poly relationship it is extremely important to be up-front about everything, be aware of your feelings and ready to discuss them, and never lie to your partners or knowingly date someone who has a partner that they are lying to.

Make sure all relationships are always with the consent of everyone involved!

201f4c6455f62594b33083fde2fe48c9

Second: STDs.

You can’t “just trust” a new boyfriend when you have other people whom you are in love with who can be hurt by your bad decisions. This means that trading STD tests becomes very important before sexual contact. I know the vanilla monogamous folks just hook up in bathrooms and parking lots and sometimes that can sound hot. However, that’s not how a responsible person behaves. Well, not unless they want to wait six weeks before any play with any other partner and then get an STD test to show that they didn’t pick up any parasites.

Remember: Condoms are not 100% effective so use them, but also be responsible and get tested!

relationship-problems

Third: Talking.

I am not saying you have to talk all the time. You can play scenes and hook up and go on dates and not think about things a lot. However, you do need to make sure to check in periodically with each person you are dating. You need to make sure that the people in your lives are not holding any resentments inside that could explode and cause drama for the rest of the community. It is the responsibility of every person in the community to head off problems before they happen by making sure that everyone they care about is okay.

Remember: No one likes the guy or girl in the community who is always surrounded by yelling and drama.

43871122-social-network-concept

Forth: Tertiary Relationships.

There are going to people in your life that are not there by your choice. For example, I am sort of a wild card because I don’t have a type. I am pan-sexual and I am known for appreciating whatever someone is unique for. I have dated guys who were dumb as a post because I liked the way they deferred to me. I have dated both a rocket scientist and an experimental particle physicist. And, I dated a girl who is a professional translator and is out-of-this-world smart. None of these people have anything in common. They have different genders, intelligence levels, sexual orientation, kink orientation, and disposition. As you can probably tell, I want to try all the things! So anyone I date seriously has to be willing to handle the parade of random humans that marches through my life.

Let me be clear: You don’t have to be friends with everyone that your partners date. You can be, and often that will happen naturally. However, it’s fine if you’re not. You just have to be alright with them being in your life, because if they are dating your partner, then they are in your life. You will hear about them and see them around, and that is just how it is.

 

Perspective-boat-land

Fifth: Perspective.

When you are in a poly-amorous community, you have to remember to keep things in perceptive. Your opinion matters, but you can’t be self-centered. Everyone has a different perspective, and it’s important to respect all of them.

I am always really grossed out by people that only make statements about what they want and what they thing and how they feel. Unless you live alone on a deserted island and never have any friends, you should probably grow up enough to lead with questions and express interest in others.

poly-people-of-color-image

In conclusion

These are just a few key points that highlight some things you should know about polyamory and the people who practice it. Over the next few weeks I want to talk about issues that come up a lot in e-mails I get and interactions I have which relate to the topic of polyamory. So, I felt an initial introduction would be a good place to start. 

Club Yesica in Seoul

shh-hush-shush-secret-red-sexy-lips

I have written before about a sex club I attended in the Gangnam district of Seoul named Club Desire. Club Desire was my first experience with a South Korean Sex Club, and I am glad that I got the chance to see Club Yesica this time around during my brief escape from Guam.

The first time I went to Club Desire I was acting off directions I found on the Internet, and the person I spoke to had a very limited understanding of English so it was all a bit terrifying. A young girl wandering down dark alleys based on Internet directions has all the potential to go wrong, doesn’t she?

In contrast, going to Club Yesica was very easy. I simply called the number, which is +82-010-2831-9588, and a very kind man in charge of foreign guest relations was able to give me directions to a local landmark, and then come meet me in person to walk me into the club. It was far more like meeting a friend than it was like going to a sex club because of the kind welcome.

Koreans, or foreign people in possession of a Korean ID number, can go to the Korean page of the website and make a reservation. The rest of us need to call the number to make a reservation, but can visit the English version of the website for a menu. Selection and price are very similar to Club Desire. In other words, expect to spend $200 on a small bottle of whiskey because that’s your price of admission per couple. If you’re an exhibitionist like me, it’s worth the steep price.

Now I want to clear a few things up because I always get questions:

First, don’t be that guy who messages me to ask “Can I go there by myself?” There are a lot of things you can be in the world which are varying degrees of pathetic. A sex club owner might be too nice to tell you this, but I am not: Being a single guy at a sex club is the height of pathetic. You are not going to get laid because everyone else came as a couple, and no one’s fetish is letting the creepy weirdo at the bar fuck their girlfriend. So what you end up being is a sad and alone voyeur who makes everyone else uncomfortable and that is not a cool thing to be. Just don’t do it.

secrets1

Yes, I am telling you that if you are a guy you need to bring a date. They have hookup clubs in Korea, and if you need to meet a girl you should go to one of them. But take a girl with you to the sex club or don’t go at all, okay?

Second, Korean sex clubs are not like US sex clubs. If you read my blog regularly, you will know that I have reviewed several US sex clubs, including The Velvet Rope and Club Sesso. These clubs are designed to have lots of dark corners and small spaces for people to sneak off to, and are more like a playground for adults to have sex in.

However, from my experince with Korean sex clubs I should warn you that they are very different. It’s just some lockers by the door (for your phone because obviously you can’t take pictures,) a bar area, and then an open room full of love seats. That’s basically it besides the bathroom.

Sex clubs in Korea also seem to be a group experience in a collective culture, so be prepared to wait and drink and smoke while everyone arrives and gets comfortable in one big room. If you wait until around 1:00am, they will all start having sex on their individual love seats, and you and your partner can do the same.

If you have sex before then, in my experience, you won’t start a trend. I am not sure why. But the last time I was at Club Desire with a partner and we had sex before it was “sexy time,” everyone just ignored us and carried on smoking and drinking.

Oh, and while my husband likes to pretend he doesn’t know the rules at Club Desire, remember that you can’t get away with that at Club Yesica. They are able to tell you the rules in English, so you have no excuse. Don’t approach couples and ask to switch partners. Use the bar tender as an intermediary. And make sure you get a towel and lay it down before you have sex so you don’t make a mess on your love seat. Try to follow the rules and be polite and respectful. According to folks at the club, Yesica knows the owner of Club Desire and the swingers scene in Korea is small. If you do anything to offend, you could find yourself kicked out of the entire scene, rather than just one club.

I have to confess that this last trip to Korea was sort of a mess because my husband got hit by a car in Seoul. I actually attended Club Yesica with a friend because my husband was too injured to make it. It was a really stressful vacation, and none of it went as planned. So, by the time I got to Club Yesica I was far too tired to stay as late as I would have needed to stay in order to have sex there. I wanted to, but I was just falling asleep on my feet by midnight.

I did get the chance to see a lot of great costumes (they were having a costume party the night I attended) and one very memorable dance by Batman. I got to check out the club, and see that it gets very busy (I was there on Friday night and they were full!) I even had a chance to talk very briefly with the owner, Yesica, who was very kind and welcoming.

I regret missing “the good part” of the night, but as I said, sometimes things just don’t go according to plan. Maybe next time I am in Korea I will be able to go back with my husband (who is expected to recover from being hit by the car.)

33b369c3448adf3c8cfac578d5d6cece_400x400

The Other Side of “Be Welcoming”

stressed-guy

Recently I wrote about how it’s nice to be welcoming to new people. This is because someone I love in Phoenix was thinking about going to his first munch, and I didn’t want him to feel out of place. When I wrote that, I was thinking about it from the point of view of the newbie.

However, it turns out I can have more than one point of view. I realized that a few hours ago.

Today I logged into fetlife.com and got yet another message from someone who is ‘curious’ about what it’s like to submit to a woman:

“Well [I am curious about] the aspect of you being a Domme. I am very curious about becoming a sub. I have spent so much of my life in all aspects of, being a dominate type a alpha, I’m very intrigued in surrendering, submitting and giving up all control to a lady. So I’m curious what your take on that would be.”

So this is someone who is new to the community and I had just said we should be welcoming, right?

But it turns out that I am so tired of being welcoming. Every one of these messages I get (and why do they all have a picture of their dick as their profile?) is the same. They have always been the same, since 20 years ago when I was going to APEX get-togethers in Tempe, Arizona after High School.

No one with any experience ever sends me an interesting message about wanting to play. It’s always newbies expecting me to instruct them on the ways of kink.

download

I would like to publicly admit that I am a hypocrite and kind of an asshole.

Yes, I really am.

Because my response was:

“I am sorry. It’s just I am way past the stage of ‘curiosity.’ I have been in the community for 20 years and worked as a professional Dominatrix. So I have had 20 years of guys who are ‘curious’ asking me to tell them what it’s like to be dominated by a lady. It’s actually WHY I started my kink blog.

No offense, of course. I just have done enough teaching, and workshops, and bringing people into the fold. My interest at this point in my life is in meeting someone who already knows what they like/want out of life and kink, so that I don’t have to do all the work anymore.”

So I realized that I should have been more specific in my first post.

I guess what I meant was that it’s good to be friendly to new people at a munch. But if someone on fetlife asks you to take on the enormous task of teaching them about the community and being their mentor, well, that is another story.

I didn’t realize until I replied to the fetlife message above how sick I am of being so nice all the time. I am sick of helping new people find their way into the community and holding their hands. I don’t want to do it anymore. And now when anyone asks me “I want to know what it’s like to be dominated by a woman” I can’t bring myself to care even a little.

Good for you, person who is new to kink and curious.

I hope you find a great mentor who will make you love kink as much as I do.

I just don’t want it to be me.

aaeaaqaaaaaaaaynaaaajgmzotbmmmnllwu3zmutndy3mc05ndg4ltg4njlmmgq2nznjnq

Dating Tips

images (1)

Dating is a complicated venture.

I usually write about it from my own perspective as a polyamourous person in a happy marriage, and with several secondary relationships that I value. However, I have been asked a lot of questions about the subject from people in other places in life. This has motivated me to get back to basics and give some very basic suggestions. 

images

First, it’s okay to have preferences. If you’r not into guys your dad’s age, don’t let anyone tell you that you are wrong for that. If you’re monogamous and need a monogamous partner, say so up front. Your needs and desires are all that matters when you are dating. Don’t let anyone bully you into a relationship that you are not comfortable with. This is really important because there are always going to be people that are not what you are looking for, but who insist that you should “give them a chance.” A relationship isn’t going to work if you aren’t interested.

download

Second, online dating is definitely a great invention. When you met someone at the grocery store, you could only base your decision to go on a date with them on their looks. Now, you can find out ahead of time if you have things in common, so you don’t have to worry about that awkward moment when yo realize the person sitting across from you is someone you can’t relate to on anything.

However, with online dating comes a lot of nonsense. A lot of people who you will talk to are frustrated, and they may take that frustration out on you. There’s the chance of getting a dick picture in response to “hello” as well. Just understand that it is a process and that if you work at it, you can weed out the bad ones.

images (2)

Third, be honest about what you want. Most people, if they are honest with themselves, want the same thing: Someone to hang out and do stuff with, and to have sex with. We are sociable animals and we enjoy companionship.

Yes, it’s true that women are programmed to think about marriage by a bunch of really sexist propaganda in society. The same propaganda instructs men to believe that they are only supposed to want sex, with colorful saying designed to teach them to avoid attachments like “Hit it and quit it.”

However, if we are all honest, what we really want is someone to go on adventures with and watch Netflix with and have sex with. We want companionship, and we want it with someone who makes us feel sexy and special.

Be honest about the other things you want too. It doesn’t help anyone if you are really interested in dating someone of the same religion but you won’t admit it. No one wants to have their time wasted. If someone isn’t what you’re looking for, just be honest. I have ended a lot of dates with “We probably won’t see each other again, but it was nice to meet you.” And that’s okay. It’s alright when it doesn’t work out. Just be honest, because the longer you waste time on a bad match, the longer it will take you to find a good match.

images (3)

So then there’s the sex. I want to start by saying that I am a magically delicious super slut, and sex has always been something of a hobby for me. I like to read about it, study it, and have it. I have slept with more than 200 people (maybe 3/4 guys but also women), and most of them were a passionate flings where we had sex all the time for weeks.

I wont go as far as to call myself an expert. I don’t have a degree in sex therapy or anything like that. There are experts out there (you can read about them in Bonk by Mary Roach.) However, I would go so far as to say that I am knowledgeable.

So please take my word for it when I say that the majority of women do not cum from penetration. It just doesn’t happen. I am sorry if your High School girlfriend faked a few orgasms and now you have an idea in your head of “how it is.” But if you think women cum from penetration then you have gotten the wrong impression.

Women mostly cum from clitoral stimulation. That’s just how we are made. And it is absolutely okay to ask her what she likes or how she gets off. It shows that you are a good lover who is willing to take an interest in the pleasure of your partner.

download (1)

Now if we talk about sex, then we need to talk about safety. There is no such thing as safe sex, but the good news is that you can take steps to have safer sex. Condoms are a wonderful invention and you should definitely use them! Dental dams or saran wrap should be used for performing oral sex on a girl. And, it’s really best if you both get tested first and trade paperwork beforehand. I know that’s hard outside the kink community where people have actually yelled at me for not trusting them! That’s right. Strangers. People I had only been on a few dates with. And they wanted me to trust them with my life! I don’t even trust people I really love with everything all the time.

Look, STDs are spread through skin-to-skin contact and no method of prevention is 100% effective. However, I am pretty sure that it’s wise to take all the steps you can to protect yourself. I am not sure why I ever end up having to debate that.

images (4)

 

Now, there’s the matter of who does what. I am so over gender stereotypes that I really don’t know. I mean, look; if you think you are a princess and you want someone to open doors for you and buy your drinks then, I dunno, okay. But that’s not most women anymore.

As an example, I always pay for dates. If someone wants to argue with me, then I will let them split the bill with me. However, I am a control freak and I don’t want anyone to ever think I owe them anything. I don’t even have credit cards, so trust me, this runs deep. No one will ever hold anything over my head. I wrote thousands of scholarship applications to avoid student loans. I am not going to have anyone feel like I owe them a thing.

Anyway, work it out among yourselves, but be honest. If you are a feminist but you like to have doors opened for you, then admit that. If you’re like me and you tend to lead rather than follow, be honest about that too. We are all mature adults who can negotiate how we relate to one another in a modern world.

couple-speed-dating-960x500

And finally, it’s okay to walk away. You don’t owe anyone your time of attention. If you go out with someone and you don’t feel into them, it’s okay to say so, and to part as friends. I have definitely had a few dates where I realized someone wasn’t right for me. Recently a guys said “Gun free zones are why we have shootings.” He seemed like a nice guy, but for me, I just can’t handle people who advocate for more guns in the US. I am very political and if we can’t agree on politics, I can’t date you.

I once dated a guy who held very different beliefs from me. We dated for a long time and we fought a lot. At the time, I thought that it was normal and that all couples fought like we did. However, now that I have dated more and met more people, I have realized that it is possible to find someone that you’re not in constant disagreement with, and now my life is a lot more harmonious.

Don’t put yourself through years of hell with someone who wants to fight everything you think or everything you say. There are plenty of fish in the sea. If someone says something that sends up a red flag for you, just walk away. It’s okay to do that.

Fetish Series: Pictures and Video

download

The very first thing that needs to be said here is: You can’t trust anyone. I am sorry if that is cynical or if you don’t agree. But it’s the truth. In our modern world, you have to work very hard to avoid compromising pictures/video of you showing up online.

It’s true that several states have passed laws against pictures of you being uploaded without your consent. However, once something is on the internet, it is there forever. If you end up on a revenge porn website, you can go to civil rights lawyers who specialize in that sort of thing and try to get help. However, as they will point out, it’s impossible to know where pictures of you have been uploaded, and finding them all and sending cease and desist orders will not “fix” the problem.

wife-caught-cheating-on-hidden-cam-8
There are hard truths to face here. Overwhelmingly, it is men who hide cameras or even tell women they are photographing/videotaping them, and then later in a moment of rage, they upload the pictures/video.

So what can you do?

If you agree to any pictures or video, make sure you are the one in possession of the recording device, and that it stays in your possession. Don’t share any pictures/video. Just say that it’s something you want to experience together or not at all, and then don’t back down.

As it happens, there are no naked pictures of me on the internet. However, there are naked pictures of all my friends, because they sent naked pictures saying “My master would never betray me.” And then, big surprise, he did.

I know the “not all men” folks will come out of the woodwork now and say “But I would never do that.” Well, good for you. But according to statistics, that makes you part of a very small minority. And that makes my warning prudent even if you think it is unfair.

As far as I can tell, there are literally zero websites devoted to hidden camera footage of men naked. There are no revenge porn websites full of dick pictures or full frontals of guys. In fact, you would be hard-pressed to find any naked pictures of men online that they didn’t upload themselves.

Please, correct me if I am wrong. Show me the websites devoted to posting photos of unconsenting men. Show me a few ruined careers when the boss found out, and some unapologetic women saying “It’s not illegal to have a camera on in my room. If it happens to stream online, well, it’s not like he asked first if I had a camera on.”

hidcamsdvr
So keep an eye out for hidden cameras. Make sure you know someone before getting naked at their house (and remember their are whole websites devoted to hidden camera pictures of women peeing, so you aren’t even safe in the bathroom.)

Definitely don’t take pictures and send them. And don’t let anyone photograph/take video of you unless it’s on your device and you can be sure that you will be able to maintain control.

If you are going to end up on a porn website, it should be because you consented to it and got paid for it. It shouldn’t be because some asshole stole your imagine and uploaded it. So take care of yourself and don’t let anyone push you into taking pictures or video. Ever.

Just say no.

1616986

 

All that being said, it can be a fun experience to record/photograph yourselves. I have done it on occasion, on my own phone (and after we watched it I deleted it right away.) It is interesting to see yourself doing things, and it can be really exciting.

Just be careful.

Also on the note of pictures and video, some people have a fetish for watching porn during sex or trying to recreate a porn at home. It’s not my kink, but I suppose the appeal is obvious: extra stimulation. I don’t know how these couples agree on porn (my husband and I don’t watch much of the same kind of porn) but good for them for being able to compromise on something like that.

download

Fetish Series: Pushing Boundaries

images

It is simultaneously really simple and really difficult to define what a fetish is.

From the Wiki page, the suggestion is that a sexual fetish is a focus on an inanimate object or non-genital part of the body. The idea is that a person gets sexual pleasure from something that is not inherently sexual.

In spite of this seemingly easy definition, I would argue that in practice, there are actually a lot of gray areas involved.

splits-550x366

For example, hook suspension is not a new practice, and not all people that do it fetishize it. However, some people who do it do fetishize it. So when we talk about it, it’s important to be clear that some do it for the mental clarity and the peace they feel when they are suspended. On the other hand, some get a sexual thrill from it. (Watching, participating, doing the rigging, etc.)

MedicalDeviceFacts-141

Many things being fetishized are not always a fetish. Take Tens Units and Violet Wands, for example. Many people do use these devices to stimulate muscles after an injury or to help with muscle spasms (as is their stated purpose.) However, many others have an electricity fetish and consider these devices to be kinky. In fact, at most “tastings” (fetish events where you can try things out) there will be a station set up with a Tens Unit or Violet Wand.

images (1)

You are always going to find people who use a vibrator as a “neck massager” because that is how it is advertised and they really are that naive. Most of us can agree as a society that we know a Magic Wand is for female masturbation and not neck massages.

images (2)

My point is, in some ways a Violet Wand is a sex toy, and in some ways it is not. If you get a thrill from electricity like my husband does, then it is definitely a sex toy. However, if you’re using it for a muscle injury, then obviously it is not.

images

Additionally, you are likely to see things like Violet wands and Hook Suspensions at a kink party in Arizona (where I am from,) but that doesn’t mean that the people who are there for those things are necessarily part of the kink community. So, on the outer limits of fetish culture there are blurred lines, and you should try to avoid making assumptions if you can. Always ask people questions rather than guessing at the answers.

Suspension_Moscow_4

As I have said through all the posts in this fetish series I am doing, there are blurred lines. Vanilla people engage in a lot of behavior that could be considered fetishized, but they don’t think of it that way or interact with the community. And in the community many people do things that seem like they are extreme and pushing the outer limits of kink, but some of those people don’t consider those things at all sexual.

The key to all of this is just to try to remain tolerant, open-minded, and understanding.

sex-kink1-810x539