Club Yesica in Seoul

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I have written before about a sex club I attended in the Gangnam district of Seoul named Club Desire. Club Desire was my first experience with a South Korean Sex Club, and I am glad that I got the chance to see Club Yesica this time around during my brief escape from Guam.

The first time I went to Club Desire I was acting off directions I found on the Internet, and the person I spoke to had a very limited understanding of English so it was all a bit terrifying. A young girl wandering down dark alleys based on Internet directions has all the potential to go wrong, doesn’t she?

In contrast, going to Club Yesica was very easy. I simply called the number, which is +82-010-2831-9588, and a very kind man in charge of foreign guest relations was able to give me directions to a local landmark, and then come meet me in person to walk me into the club. It was far more like meeting a friend than it was like going to a sex club because of the kind welcome.

Koreans, or foreign people in possession of a Korean ID number, can go to the Korean page of the website and make a reservation. The rest of us need to call the number to make a reservation, but can visit the English version of the website for a menu. Selection and price are very similar to Club Desire. In other words, expect to spend $200 on a small bottle of whiskey because that’s your price of admission per couple. If you’re an exhibitionist like me, it’s worth the steep price.

Now I want to clear a few things up because I always get questions:

First, don’t be that guy who messages me to ask “Can I go there by myself?” There are a lot of things you can be in the world which are varying degrees of pathetic. A sex club owner might be too nice to tell you this, but I am not: Being a single guy at a sex club is the height of pathetic. You are not going to get laid because everyone else came as a couple, and no one’s fetish is letting the creepy weirdo at the bar fuck their girlfriend. So what you end up being is a sad and alone voyeur who makes everyone else uncomfortable and that is not a cool thing to be. Just don’t do it.

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Yes, I am telling you that if you are a guy you need to bring a date. They have hookup clubs in Korea, and if you need to meet a girl you should go to one of them. But take a girl with you to the sex club or don’t go at all, okay?

Second, Korean sex clubs are not like US sex clubs. If you read my blog regularly, you will know that I have reviewed several US sex clubs, including The Velvet Rope and Club Sesso. These clubs are designed to have lots of dark corners and small spaces for people to sneak off to, and are more like a playground for adults to have sex in.

However, from my experince with Korean sex clubs I should warn you that they are very different. It’s just some lockers by the door (for your phone because obviously you can’t take pictures,) a bar area, and then an open room full of love seats. That’s basically it besides the bathroom.

Sex clubs in Korea also seem to be a group experience in a collective culture, so be prepared to wait and drink and smoke while everyone arrives and gets comfortable in one big room. If you wait until around 1:00am, they will all start having sex on their individual love seats, and you and your partner can do the same.

If you have sex before then, in my experience, you won’t start a trend. I am not sure why. But the last time I was at Club Desire with a partner and we had sex before it was “sexy time,” everyone just ignored us and carried on smoking and drinking.

Oh, and while my husband likes to pretend he doesn’t know the rules at Club Desire, remember that you can’t get away with that at Club Yesica. They are able to tell you the rules in English, so you have no excuse. Don’t approach couples and ask to switch partners. Use the bar tender as an intermediary. And make sure you get a towel and lay it down before you have sex so you don’t make a mess on your love seat. Try to follow the rules and be polite and respectful. According to folks at the club, Yesica knows the owner of Club Desire and the swingers scene in Korea is small. If you do anything to offend, you could find yourself kicked out of the entire scene, rather than just one club.

I have to confess that this last trip to Korea was sort of a mess because my husband got hit by a car in Seoul. I actually attended Club Yesica with a friend because my husband was too injured to make it. It was a really stressful vacation, and none of it went as planned. So, by the time I got to Club Yesica I was far too tired to stay as late as I would have needed to stay in order to have sex there. I wanted to, but I was just falling asleep on my feet by midnight.

I did get the chance to see a lot of great costumes (they were having a costume party the night I attended) and one very memorable dance by Batman. I got to check out the club, and see that it gets very busy (I was there on Friday night and they were full!) I even had a chance to talk very briefly with the owner, Yesica, who was very kind and welcoming.

I regret missing “the good part” of the night, but as I said, sometimes things just don’t go according to plan. Maybe next time I am in Korea I will be able to go back with my husband (who is expected to recover from being hit by the car.)

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The Other Side of “Be Welcoming”

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Recently I wrote about how it’s nice to be welcoming to new people. This is because someone I love in Phoenix was thinking about going to his first munch, and I didn’t want him to feel out of place. When I wrote that, I was thinking about it from the point of view of the newbie.

However, it turns out I can have more than one point of view. I realized that a few hours ago.

Today I logged into fetlife.com and got yet another message from someone who is ‘curious’ about what it’s like to submit to a woman:

“Well [I am curious about] the aspect of you being a Domme. I am very curious about becoming a sub. I have spent so much of my life in all aspects of, being a dominate type a alpha, I’m very intrigued in surrendering, submitting and giving up all control to a lady. So I’m curious what your take on that would be.”

So this is someone who is new to the community and I had just said we should be welcoming, right?

But it turns out that I am so tired of being welcoming. Every one of these messages I get (and why do they all have a picture of their dick as their profile?) is the same. They have always been the same, since 20 years ago when I was going to APEX get-togethers in Tempe, Arizona after High School.

No one with any experience ever sends me an interesting message about wanting to play. It’s always newbies expecting me to instruct them on the ways of kink.

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I would like to publicly admit that I am a hypocrite and kind of an asshole.

Yes, I really am.

Because my response was:

“I am sorry. It’s just I am way past the stage of ‘curiosity.’ I have been in the community for 20 years and worked as a professional Dominatrix. So I have had 20 years of guys who are ‘curious’ asking me to tell them what it’s like to be dominated by a lady. It’s actually WHY I started my kink blog.

No offense, of course. I just have done enough teaching, and workshops, and bringing people into the fold. My interest at this point in my life is in meeting someone who already knows what they like/want out of life and kink, so that I don’t have to do all the work anymore.”

So I realized that I should have been more specific in my first post.

I guess what I meant was that it’s good to be friendly to new people at a munch. But if someone on fetlife asks you to take on the enormous task of teaching them about the community and being their mentor, well, that is another story.

I didn’t realize until I replied to the fetlife message above how sick I am of being so nice all the time. I am sick of helping new people find their way into the community and holding their hands. I don’t want to do it anymore. And now when anyone asks me “I want to know what it’s like to be dominated by a woman” I can’t bring myself to care even a little.

Good for you, person who is new to kink and curious.

I hope you find a great mentor who will make you love kink as much as I do.

I just don’t want it to be me.

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Dating Tips

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Dating is a complicated venture.

I usually write about it from my own perspective as a polyamourous person in a happy marriage, and with several secondary relationships that I value. However, I have been asked a lot of questions about the subject from people in other places in life. This has motivated me to get back to basics and give some very basic suggestions. 

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First, it’s okay to have preferences. If you’r not into guys your dad’s age, don’t let anyone tell you that you are wrong for that. If you’re monogamous and need a monogamous partner, say so up front. Your needs and desires are all that matters when you are dating. Don’t let anyone bully you into a relationship that you are not comfortable with. This is really important because there are always going to be people that are not what you are looking for, but who insist that you should “give them a chance.” A relationship isn’t going to work if you aren’t interested.

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Second, online dating is definitely a great invention. When you met someone at the grocery store, you could only base your decision to go on a date with them on their looks. Now, you can find out ahead of time if you have things in common, so you don’t have to worry about that awkward moment when yo realize the person sitting across from you is someone you can’t relate to on anything.

However, with online dating comes a lot of nonsense. A lot of people who you will talk to are frustrated, and they may take that frustration out on you. There’s the chance of getting a dick picture in response to “hello” as well. Just understand that it is a process and that if you work at it, you can weed out the bad ones.

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Third, be honest about what you want. Most people, if they are honest with themselves, want the same thing: Someone to hang out and do stuff with, and to have sex with. We are sociable animals and we enjoy companionship.

Yes, it’s true that women are programmed to think about marriage by a bunch of really sexist propaganda in society. The same propaganda instructs men to believe that they are only supposed to want sex, with colorful saying designed to teach them to avoid attachments like “Hit it and quit it.”

However, if we are all honest, what we really want is someone to go on adventures with and watch Netflix with and have sex with. We want companionship, and we want it with someone who makes us feel sexy and special.

Be honest about the other things you want too. It doesn’t help anyone if you are really interested in dating someone of the same religion but you won’t admit it. No one wants to have their time wasted. If someone isn’t what you’re looking for, just be honest. I have ended a lot of dates with “We probably won’t see each other again, but it was nice to meet you.” And that’s okay. It’s alright when it doesn’t work out. Just be honest, because the longer you waste time on a bad match, the longer it will take you to find a good match.

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So then there’s the sex. I want to start by saying that I am a magically delicious super slut, and sex has always been something of a hobby for me. I like to read about it, study it, and have it. I have slept with more than 200 people (maybe 3/4 guys but also women), and most of them were a passionate flings where we had sex all the time for weeks.

I wont go as far as to call myself an expert. I don’t have a degree in sex therapy or anything like that. There are experts out there (you can read about them in Bonk by Mary Roach.) However, I would go so far as to say that I am knowledgeable.

So please take my word for it when I say that the majority of women do not cum from penetration. It just doesn’t happen. I am sorry if your High School girlfriend faked a few orgasms and now you have an idea in your head of “how it is.” But if you think women cum from penetration then you have gotten the wrong impression.

Women mostly cum from clitoral stimulation. That’s just how we are made. And it is absolutely okay to ask her what she likes or how she gets off. It shows that you are a good lover who is willing to take an interest in the pleasure of your partner.

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Now if we talk about sex, then we need to talk about safety. There is no such thing as safe sex, but the good news is that you can take steps to have safer sex. Condoms are a wonderful invention and you should definitely use them! Dental dams or saran wrap should be used for performing oral sex on a girl. And, it’s really best if you both get tested first and trade paperwork beforehand. I know that’s hard outside the kink community where people have actually yelled at me for not trusting them! That’s right. Strangers. People I had only been on a few dates with. And they wanted me to trust them with my life! I don’t even trust people I really love with everything all the time.

Look, STDs are spread through skin-to-skin contact and no method of prevention is 100% effective. However, I am pretty sure that it’s wise to take all the steps you can to protect yourself. I am not sure why I ever end up having to debate that.

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Now, there’s the matter of who does what. I am so over gender stereotypes that I really don’t know. I mean, look; if you think you are a princess and you want someone to open doors for you and buy your drinks then, I dunno, okay. But that’s not most women anymore.

As an example, I always pay for dates. If someone wants to argue with me, then I will let them split the bill with me. However, I am a control freak and I don’t want anyone to ever think I owe them anything. I don’t even have credit cards, so trust me, this runs deep. No one will ever hold anything over my head. I wrote thousands of scholarship applications to avoid student loans. I am not going to have anyone feel like I owe them a thing.

Anyway, work it out among yourselves, but be honest. If you are a feminist but you like to have doors opened for you, then admit that. If you’re like me and you tend to lead rather than follow, be honest about that too. We are all mature adults who can negotiate how we relate to one another in a modern world.

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And finally, it’s okay to walk away. You don’t owe anyone your time of attention. If you go out with someone and you don’t feel into them, it’s okay to say so, and to part as friends. I have definitely had a few dates where I realized someone wasn’t right for me. Recently a guys said “Gun free zones are why we have shootings.” He seemed like a nice guy, but for me, I just can’t handle people who advocate for more guns in the US. I am very political and if we can’t agree on politics, I can’t date you.

I once dated a guy who held very different beliefs from me. We dated for a long time and we fought a lot. At the time, I thought that it was normal and that all couples fought like we did. However, now that I have dated more and met more people, I have realized that it is possible to find someone that you’re not in constant disagreement with, and now my life is a lot more harmonious.

Don’t put yourself through years of hell with someone who wants to fight everything you think or everything you say. There are plenty of fish in the sea. If someone says something that sends up a red flag for you, just walk away. It’s okay to do that.

Fetish Series: Pictures and Video

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The very first thing that needs to be said here is: You can’t trust anyone. I am sorry if that is cynical or if you don’t agree. But it’s the truth. In our modern world, you have to work very hard to avoid compromising pictures/video of you showing up online.

It’s true that several states have passed laws against pictures of you being uploaded without your consent. However, once something is on the internet, it is there forever. If you end up on a revenge porn website, you can go to civil rights lawyers who specialize in that sort of thing and try to get help. However, as they will point out, it’s impossible to know where pictures of you have been uploaded, and finding them all and sending cease and desist orders will not “fix” the problem.

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There are hard truths to face here. Overwhelmingly, it is men who hide cameras or even tell women they are photographing/videotaping them, and then later in a moment of rage, they upload the pictures/video.

So what can you do?

If you agree to any pictures or video, make sure you are the one in possession of the recording device, and that it stays in your possession. Don’t share any pictures/video. Just say that it’s something you want to experience together or not at all, and then don’t back down.

As it happens, there are no naked pictures of me on the internet. However, there are naked pictures of all my friends, because they sent naked pictures saying “My master would never betray me.” And then, big surprise, he did.

I know the “not all men” folks will come out of the woodwork now and say “But I would never do that.” Well, good for you. But according to statistics, that makes you part of a very small minority. And that makes my warning prudent even if you think it is unfair.

As far as I can tell, there are literally zero websites devoted to hidden camera footage of men naked. There are no revenge porn websites full of dick pictures or full frontals of guys. In fact, you would be hard-pressed to find any naked pictures of men online that they didn’t upload themselves.

Please, correct me if I am wrong. Show me the websites devoted to posting photos of unconsenting men. Show me a few ruined careers when the boss found out, and some unapologetic women saying “It’s not illegal to have a camera on in my room. If it happens to stream online, well, it’s not like he asked first if I had a camera on.”

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So keep an eye out for hidden cameras. Make sure you know someone before getting naked at their house (and remember their are whole websites devoted to hidden camera pictures of women peeing, so you aren’t even safe in the bathroom.)

Definitely don’t take pictures and send them. And don’t let anyone photograph/take video of you unless it’s on your device and you can be sure that you will be able to maintain control.

If you are going to end up on a porn website, it should be because you consented to it and got paid for it. It shouldn’t be because some asshole stole your imagine and uploaded it. So take care of yourself and don’t let anyone push you into taking pictures or video. Ever.

Just say no.

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All that being said, it can be a fun experience to record/photograph yourselves. I have done it on occasion, on my own phone (and after we watched it I deleted it right away.) It is interesting to see yourself doing things, and it can be really exciting.

Just be careful.

Also on the note of pictures and video, some people have a fetish for watching porn during sex or trying to recreate a porn at home. It’s not my kink, but I suppose the appeal is obvious: extra stimulation. I don’t know how these couples agree on porn (my husband and I don’t watch much of the same kind of porn) but good for them for being able to compromise on something like that.

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Fetish Series: Pushing Boundaries

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It is simultaneously really simple and really difficult to define what a fetish is.

From the Wiki page, the suggestion is that a sexual fetish is a focus on an inanimate object or non-genital part of the body. The idea is that a person gets sexual pleasure from something that is not inherently sexual.

In spite of this seemingly easy definition, I would argue that in practice, there are actually a lot of gray areas involved.

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For example, hook suspension is not a new practice, and not all people that do it fetishize it. However, some people who do it do fetishize it. So when we talk about it, it’s important to be clear that some do it for the mental clarity and the peace they feel when they are suspended. On the other hand, some get a sexual thrill from it. (Watching, participating, doing the rigging, etc.)

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Many things being fetishized are not always a fetish. Take Tens Units and Violet Wands, for example. Many people do use these devices to stimulate muscles after an injury or to help with muscle spasms (as is their stated purpose.) However, many others have an electricity fetish and consider these devices to be kinky. In fact, at most “tastings” (fetish events where you can try things out) there will be a station set up with a Tens Unit or Violet Wand.

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You are always going to find people who use a vibrator as a “neck massager” because that is how it is advertised and they really are that naive. Most of us can agree as a society that we know a Magic Wand is for female masturbation and not neck massages.

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My point is, in some ways a Violet Wand is a sex toy, and in some ways it is not. If you get a thrill from electricity like my husband does, then it is definitely a sex toy. However, if you’re using it for a muscle injury, then obviously it is not.

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Additionally, you are likely to see things like Violet wands and Hook Suspensions at a kink party in Arizona (where I am from,) but that doesn’t mean that the people who are there for those things are necessarily part of the kink community. So, on the outer limits of fetish culture there are blurred lines, and you should try to avoid making assumptions if you can. Always ask people questions rather than guessing at the answers.

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As I have said through all the posts in this fetish series I am doing, there are blurred lines. Vanilla people engage in a lot of behavior that could be considered fetishized, but they don’t think of it that way or interact with the community. And in the community many people do things that seem like they are extreme and pushing the outer limits of kink, but some of those people don’t consider those things at all sexual.

The key to all of this is just to try to remain tolerant, open-minded, and understanding.

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Fetish Series: Body Fluids

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This is probably the fetish group most pointed to when people want to prove that the kink community is “sick” and that we’re all terrible.

I can not tell you how many times I have said I was into kink and people have said ignorant things like “Oh, that’s gross. I wouldn’t want someone to poop on me or whatever.”

They bring up that old to girls one cup video and talk about how twisted we all are, and I know that it would be an uphill battle to ever get them to consider anything open-minded.

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So look, there are very devoted fetishists in the areas of blood play, bukkake, drinking breast milk or lactation fetishes, golden showers, and even scat play. These are some of the most Googled fetishes, and are featured in whole worlds of specialized porn.

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If you don’t want to pretend to be a vampire and drink blood, then I am not going to judge you for that. However, I really think we need to stop judging people who do. Vampire culture has been around for hundreds of years, and people have been drinking blood as long as there have been people. If you don’t like it, okay. But don’t use blood play enthusiasts as an example of what is wrong with the world.

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Bukkake isn’t for everyone. Many women find men’s cum to be stringy and gross (I would argue that it depends of the guy.) I understand why some people are repulsed by this fetish. But again, some people think it’s sexy; particularly men who associate cum with orgasm and therefore feel that a girl playing with their cum somehow validates their orgasm. Don’t judge.

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Lactation fetishes and a love of breast milk and pregnant women is also one of those fetishes that people like to point to as if there is something wrong with it. I can’t think of anything more natural than breast milk, actually. For most of human history we all started out drinking it. If you don’t think it’s sexy, that’s fine. However I think it’s fair to say that lots of people find it sexy, and they don’t deserve to be marginalized just because you don’t understand why.

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As for golden showers and scat play, this is often part of a power dynamic. The submissive feels degraded and humiliated (common fetishes) by being forced to endure contact with the most forbidden of all things. The master feels powerful because they are humiliating and degraded their sub.

Again, your kink is not my kink and that is okay.

Let’s try to remember that fetishes related to body fluids are very popular, and often if you are talking about how gross you think it is, it’s likely that you are talking to (or near) someone who would disagree.

I know I like sweaty, wet, messy sex. I like it when I need a shower afterwards. I don’t necessarily want to be neat and prim about something that is a really primal act in my mind. So, you know, who am I to judge?

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Fetish Series: Role Play

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Role Play is another enormous group of things, and as with everything else in this series, vanilla people do it too.

A vanilla example of role play would be something like this:

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A husband and wife are bored of talking about/doing the same old things. They plan to meet at a bar, but both pretend to be different people. Maybe Sally the Housewife turns into Candy the stripper, and Dan the Accountant turns into Bob the Fireman.

They flirt as different people, go home as different people, and have sex as different people. This helps fulfill the desire for variety that can be difficult to satisfy in a monogamous relationship, and it can also just be fun to try on a new persona for the night.

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However, some people like very specific things. I once got asked to join a threesome dressed as Black Widow, where the other two participants would be Hawkeye and Captain America (though Captain America was going to be played by a girl with a strap-on.) I was down for the idea, but had already scheduled an event out of town when they visited. I am still disappointed that I missed it.

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Still, this is a perfect example of a very fetish-specific form of role play. In this case, the fetish was comic books. However, it could just as easily have been role play of elves, animals, or incestuous family members. There are all kinds of people with all kinds of fetishes.

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The most maligned of all role play fetishes that you see in media/culture is furries.

Furries are people who like to dress as animals to meet, date, and have sex. This seems to attract negative attention as a fetish for a few reasons. First, the suits are expensive. A good furry suit can cost more than $1,000. So I think discriminatory people find the cost extreme for what they consider to be a “sex thing” (though like with many fetishes it’s really more of a lifestyle thing.) I also think people find furries an easy target because they think dressing up as an animal has to cross some line in culture where everyone can just agree that it is wrong. They find furries easy to point to and say “but that is weird!”

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I would argue that it’s actually a really neat fetish. You don’t have to be self-conscious, because no matter what you look like, you’re hidden in a suit. So if you don’t like your height, weight, nose, or anything else; that’s okay because all anyone sees is a sexy fox or a cute raccoon.

Plus, many furries don’t exchange real names, instead staying in character as their animal. So it’s also anonymous sex, which many people find exciting. You don’t know if the person you are having sex with is young or old, or what they look like. I think glory holes appeal to the same sort of call of the mysterious.

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Obviously the most prominent role play in the kink community is the power exchange between a dominant party and a submissive party. This is the underlying role play that we all do in our relationships, and what makes sex more fun for us than when it is just vanilla.

Sure, sometimes we role play the kidnapper and the hostage. Some folks enjoy rape play. Some enjoy race play. And there is an underlying power dynamic that is generally involved in these types of role play.

However, at the end of the day, we all role play master and servant, or dom and sub, or mistress and pet. That is really the very essence of what the kink community is all about.

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