Orientation Series: Poly vs Mono

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So far, we have talked about Kink Orientation and Gender Orientation. These are things that occur on a spectrum, where there are rarely absolutes.

In my experience, being polyamorous or monogamous is also an orientation. And, like other orientations, it is on a spectrum.

You might say: How can that be? You either sleep around or you don’t, right? However as always, the world is full of all kinds of nuance.

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Example One: Katie is only interested in sleeping with her boyfriend. She doesn’t like to date, and she doesn’t want to have sex very often. This is not a reflection on who she is with. She just has a low libido. However, she knows that her boyfriend loves her and she is not insecure, so she doesn’t mind that he sometimes sleeps with other girls. He always tells her about it, and he never brings them home. This makes it easy for Katie to feel comfortable with dating a polyamorous person even though she is monogamous. She is monogamous but open.

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Example Two: Sidra really loves her husband. He is her favorite person and she cannot ever imagine her life without him. She doesn’t want anyone else to be in their home, and she doesn’t want anyone else raising their daughter. She is happy with everything about their life. However, she loves the feelings of falling in love. She loves the feeling of people finding her attractive. She has a high libido and really wants to have sex with the attractive men who flirt with her. Her husband only has eyes for her, and he is fiercely in love with her, though his sex drive is low. Thankfully, he understands that she has needs. He may not want to sleep around, but he doesn’t mind of she does. She is respectful and never brings the men home where her family might have to meet them, and at her husband’s request she doesn’t talk about what she does. They refer to it as her going on a “mini-vacation.”

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Example Three: Jack is bisexual. He is married to Jill, whom he adores. However, she is a girl, and he is bisexual. Thankfully, Jill is bisexual as well. She understands that sometimes Jack needs to be with a man. After all, sometimes she needs to be with a girl. Jack and Jill both occasionally date. They only date same-sex partners, though. It would hurt Jill’s feelings if Jack slept with another woman. And, it would hurt Jack’s feelings if Jill slept with another man. They know that some bisexual people are monogamous and choose a partner of one sex or the other and just settle down and be happy. Neither of them are able to do that, but that is okay because they are consenting adults who are happy with their non-traditional arrangement. They tell each other about their experiences with same-sex partners, and they both actually think it’s a really big turn on.

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Example Four: I am pansexual, which means that I like to have all kind of sex. Threesomes, orgies, exhibitionism, kink, whatever. I have sex with men, women, transsexuals, and virgins who have no idea what they are yet. My husband is also pansexual and doesn’t really seem to care what experience he is having as long as it is new. We have lots of sex with each other. But, we also have sex with lots of other people. Sometimes together, sometimes separately. We tell each other about it, because we both enjoy imagining each other with other people (or watching each other with other people.) Last summer he had sex with my friend, who is very straight and not interested in a girl seeing her naked. I was disappointed that she didn’t want me to be involved, but I didn’t want to deny him the experience. So, they had sex a couple nights in a row, and I hung out online. Sure, I was a little jealous. But we both have moments when we are jealous, and we recognize and manage our jealousy because we don’t want to deny each other new and exciting experiences.

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These are just a few examples of different ways in which people can be varying degrees of polyamorous or monogamous. Just remember that the key is always consent. You need to be honest with your partner about what you are comfortable with, and then make sure that they are someone respectful enough to stay within your boundaries.

Remember, it’s not cheating with consent. As long as you have consent and are respectful of boundaries, then its just good fun.

Note: I still haven’t figured out how to do Valentine’s Day, so if any of you have suggestions, feel free to let me know.

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Orientation Series: Gender

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Gender is really hard for me to talk about. I just don’t have the language for it. I have a friend who I saw recently in Hawaii, and she may be the only person on Earth who actually gets my gender, because she is the same way.

Like with Kink and Vanilla, it is a spectrum. However, there are more components to gender orientation, because there are more aspects to consider.

In order to explain just how complicated it is, I will frame it around my experience as an example, and then we’ll talk about it.

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So, I am a guy. I have always been a guy. As a kid I liked bugs, sports, building tree houses, playing with remote control cars, and anything else the boys were doing. My sister played with Barbie dolls, and they always bugged me. Once, my cousin Chris and I stole some fireworks from his mom’s garage, tied them around one of the Barbies, and then watched the doll explode in midair after we threw it off the deck of my house. It was very satisfying.

Some people would argue: Well, you’re just a tomboy. I get that. You see girls that like to do guy things and you think they are all the same.

However, I am not a girl who likes to do guy things. I am a guy. I have the swagger, I hold doors open for my girlfriends, and sometimes when I look at a hot girl I experience the most pronounced feelings of gender dysphoria because I can feel the penis I don’t have getting hard when I think about fucking her. Not with my fingers or with a dildo, but with the penis I was meant to have. And I can actually feel it even though it is not there.

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I spite of this, I don’t want to transition. There are lots of reasons for this. For example, science cannot make me a penis. They can make me a prosthetic that I have to pump up like a balloon, but it would never feel like a penis. Also, I learned to live with it, and now I have gotten used to it. Yes, I am a guy. That is one component of my gender identity. However, I am also a guy in a girl’s body. And that has become part of my gender orientation. It was not part of who I was as a child, but it became part of who I was some time during puberty, and now the girl body is just as much a part of my identity as the boy insides.

If you ask me, this is because to some extent, form dictates behavior.

What I mean is, you can’t have a girl’s body and not have certain experiences. The first time your best friend looks at your tits and it crushes your soul that he sees you as a girl. The first time your dad’s creepy friend smacks your butt. The first time you are sexually harassed in public. Your first period. The first time someone shames you for having a period. The first time a teacher dismisses your comment in a science or math class. The first time someone keeps going after you say “no.”

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Part of me just felt gender dysphoria, and therefore a deep sense of betrayal, when men objectified me.

However, part of me integrated it into who I was. All women do this. Some later become self-aware and fight the internalized misogyny. Others don’t. However, all of us cope with the constant objectification and shaming by internalizing it at first.

Once I had done that, being in a female body became part of who I was.

So, there is really no way to explain my gender orientation except to say that I am a man who lives in a woman’s body. Every part of that description matters, because my identity as a human relies on each caveat.

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Also, sex is confusing.

When I am having sex with a girl it feels really good because the part of me that is a guy is really into fucking a beautiful woman. However, part of me is miserable that I have to have lesbian sex with the girl because I don’t have a penis. For this reason, I like to date girls (open doors for them, pay for dates, buy them little gifts) but then watch my husband have sex with them because I can’t have the kind of sex that I want to with them, and he can. I have to tell you, not many girls are into dating a “girl” but then having sex with a “guy.” So… confusing.

And sex with guys… I don’t know. To some extent, form dictates behavior. So, at least I have that going for me. I guess over the years I found it easier (less effort and less emotional pain) to just fuck men.  So somehow I got used to it, and eventually even to like it. I mean, it doesn’t matter who licks your pussy as long as you cum, right?

Outside of sex, guys I date are just dudes I hang out with. We drink whiskey and argue about politics. We talk about girls and motorcycles that we loved. We help each other diagnose car problems. We just chill, because we are just dudes hanging out.

Actually, I relate a lot to the article I read recently about straight guys who fuck guys. I don’t know how to explain it, but it’s just not like gay sex (which is its own thing entirely.) It’s just guys who happen to be horny, so why not fuck?

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The Point: I consider “A Guy in a Chick’s Body” to be my gender orientation.

A lot of us don’t have simple genders that can easily fit into the box of “girl” or “boy.” Some of us feel like both. Some of us feel like neither. Some of us are on a spectrum between the two somewhere. And you don’t have to identify as “male” or “female.” The very idea that you should have to is absurd.

I would also like to give a shout out to all the intersex people.

In the US, they make up about 1.7% of the population. So, if you know 100 people, you probably know at least one person who is intersex. These are folks who were born with both genitalia, and their parents chose a sex for them when they were babies. Personally, I think that is extremely wrong. They should be allowed to grow up as they are, intact, and then decide for themselves if they want to be one or the other.

The percentage of intersex births is actually on the rise. It is my personal opinion that many of the people who are trying to desperately to push the narrative of “male” and “female” are just intersex people who were mutilated at birth. Their parents probably tried really hard to force them into a gender because they were horrified to have had an intersex baby, and thus the children place too much emphasis on “acting their gender.”

For the rest of us, I think it’s about time that we just admit that it is a complicated issue and let people identify as whatever the fuck they feel like. It’s just easier that way.

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Boy inside (blue) + Girl Outside (pink) = The Lady Violet.

(For those of you that never got the joke behind my Domme name and favorite color.) 

Orientation Series: Kink vs Vanilla

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A lot of people think of orientations as binary. Of course, this is a myth. Everyone falls somewhere on a spectrum. In the case of kink, this means that people who are kinky are mostly not always kinky all the time.

I actually had a hilarious conversation with a vanilla friend of mine about this the other day. She asked how we could be kinky when it seemed like so much work to always have to get out toys and handcuffs and stuff.

There are two issues that I have with that:

1. Kink does not require accouterments. In other words, you can use whips and chains, but kink is about the power dynamic between two people. As long as there is a power dynamic in place, then you are having kinky sex. A lot of kink is in your mind.

2. It’s true that I am kinky. However, that doesn’t mean that all the sex I ever have is kinky. Sometimes I just want to fuck. Is that how it is for everyone? No! Every relationship is different. Every person is different. But for me, I enjoy vanilla sex and kinky sex. I am not one or the other, I am both.

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As far as orientation goes, there are a lot of different things that fall under the umbrella of “kink.” If you ask five people what “kink” means, you will get five different answers.

For example: I asked my vanilla friend Kevin what he thinks of when he thinks of kink. He said he thinks of “those freaks who dress up like animals and have sex.”

That is called a Furry Fetish, and while vanilla people might find it “kinky” to their own minds, not all Furries identify as kinky. In fact, Furries identify as animals, and mostly have vanilla sex (in animals costumes.)

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What I mean by vanilla sex is: There is no power dynamic.

I think the reason that you can ask five different people what “kink” is and get five different answers is because a lot of people who are not in the community think of “kinky” as things you do. You see these typical vanilla people sitting around debating if anal sex is “kinky” or not, and you just have to laugh. In fact, my vanilla friend Kevin even said once that his girlfriend Kat was “kinky” for being enthusiastic about sex.

So look: Individual sex acts are in the eye of the beholder.

A cisgender straight couple might think that anal sex is really wild. However, a gay couple will laugh this off because it is normal to them. A transgender straight couple might also think that fisting is “kinky.” A lesbian couple would very likely disagree. So what is “normal” to one person is not normal to another.

Kink is something else. It is the mindset of being in control or being submissive in a sexual situation. Let me give you a scenario and we’ll talk about it:

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Scene: A man meets a woman on a website called Back Page. He agrees to pay her to have sex with him. They meet in a hotel room and have sex.

There is a group of people who will shout and yell about how this is exploitation of one, the other, or both parties. There are people who think it should be illegal. There are people who will assume that the girl is trafficked and people who will be furious at the thought of this scene taking places.

However, I would argue that you have to look at what each of them is thinking before you make any value judgments.

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Example Female Perspective: Like most sex workers, Natalie picks her clients carefully based on what she is looking for. She has a kink for being exploited like a nasty little whore. It really turns her on. She picked this guy off Back Page out of hundreds of offers. She is pleased that she gets to fulfill her kink and make money at the same time.

Natalie’s husband thinks this is really hot. He has a cuckhold fantasy, so he gets really turned on by the idea of someone else fucking his wife. Sometime Natalie secretly records her Johns having sex with her so that she can watch it together with her husband. He loves seeing her in compromising positions with other guys, but his favorites are the really ugly guys because it turns him on to imagine her hesitating and having to force herself to submit to them.

For Natalie, the forced submission is a big part of the attraction. She is so involved in what the actions mean that she almost doesn’t feel them as they are happening. For her, it is just really hot to kneel before some John who is a stranger to her and who she isn’t attracted to. It is a fight with herself to become a better and more obedient submissive; one worthy of the title. If she can give herself willingly to someone because she was told to, it exemplifies her discipline and poise as a perfect sub.

Summary:  I want you to realize that these are real fetishes, and I know real sex workers who do it because it is their kink. The sex they have with their Johns is 100% vanilla, but it is kinky to them because they are fulfilling their fantasies of exploitation. So, even though their Johns just want a blowjob and then to fuck them in the missionary position, it is still kinky sex, because it is kinky in the minds of the women doing it.

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Example Male Perspective: Dan feels out of control. His life is not going the way he wants. So, he goes to Back Page and finds himself a good-looking escort and plans to meet with her to have sex. He doesn’t care that it costs $2,000, and it doesn’t mean he doesn’t like his wife at home (who he loves to fuck.)

The problem is that, with his wife, he has to think of her needs and be respectful of her. She doesn’t have to do what he wants with no reciprocation. He thinks of her as a person. But right now he doesn’t want a person, he wants an object to do his bidding and make him feel in control of something again.

For Dan, it is not about the sex. It is about being the architect of the situation and having complete authority over what happens. He is not turned on by the body of the escort that he has purchased for the night (although she is hot.) Rather, he is turned on by the fact that she has to do whatever he says. If he tells her to bark like a dog, she will. He doesn’t want her to bark like a dog. But, he gets off on the fact that this woman is in his control and that he is exploiting her for sex on his terms.

Dan fucks her roughly and cums on her face. This is something that he would never do to his wife. He respects her too much! That is why he is in a hotel room with some strange girl instead of with his wife.

Then he thanks Natalie and goes home feeling more in control of the world and more confident about himself. He has fulfilled his fantasy of being in control of a perfectly submissive woman, and that was all he really wanted out of the experience.

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You see, the sex itself was not kinky. But it was kinky in the minds of both Dan and Natalie. Both of them were satisfying their fetishes, and in their minds it was kinky.

When you look at kink this way, as a mindset, you can see that everyone is a little bit kinky.

Anyone could look at the average fetish list and find a few things that they are interested in.  (If you don’t believe me, I challenge you to try it.) However, most people only have one or two kinks. As long as they occasionally satisfy these kinks, they feel fulfilled.

Personally, I am of the more depraved variety. Most of my porn came to me on a flash drive because that kind of stuff is not available online. I like dungeons and orgies and all the toys. I am not just a little kinky, I am excited about all the kinks! The harder the better, you know?

However, I just want you to realize that everyone falls somewhere on the spectrum between kink and vanilla. It is not a binary state. And no one should be judgmental about where you fall on the spectrum.

I know I give vanilla people a hard time sometimes, but I am just playing. Like I said, sometimes I just want to fuck, too. We all have those days.

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Scene Music

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Everyone has their own ideas about what kind of music sets a good tone for a scene. Some people prefer classical music because they think that it is classy. Some prefer whatever music they normally listen to because music isn’t really something that they think of as part of the scene.

For me personally, I prefer Goth/Industrial because it makes me feel like a Dominatrix. Here is a list of some of the music I would recommend if your taste is anything like mine.

Let’s start with a band called element a440. You probably don’t know them, but you should.



My second-favorite scene music is definitely Faderhead. The track I wanted to embed is called “Like a Rocket,” but they don’t have a video for it. So, here’s one that’s a little more low-key but still good.



I also really enjoy some older music that still has a good sound to it. I have been a fan of Rob Zombie for sexytime since ever since.



As far as music that never gets old, I don’t think that I could ever be sick of Manson. I am an old-school Goth from way back, so I can’t really help myself. I love Manson. And all his songs make me feel sexy because I remember dancing to them at The Nile and Transylvania and other Phoenix Goth clubs when I was young and hot and awesome.



I also like to get a little harder sometimes, so I include some metal. When I am flogging someone in a soft and teasing way and then a really good metal song comes on, it makes me really let loose. Children of Bodem is my favorite, and it doesn’t get better than Needled 24/7.



I also adore Hardwire because they are really what Industrial music is all about, and sometimes you just need to feel like you are in a torture chamber in an abandoned warehouse.



I think the important thing is to think about what music makes you feel sexy and powerful. Do you love punk? Do you feel empowered listening to Hardcore industrial? Okay. Then through that on your playlist for a scene. It’ll help you get into the right headspace, and that is really the hardest part of kink for most people.

How to Approach a Dominatrix

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I get a lot of emails every day because of this blog, my fetlife account, and my work as a novelist and public speaker. I don’t want to to be jerk, but you should know that there is a right way and a wrong way to approach a busy person with their own life and their own stuff going on.

First let’s talk about the media:

Please stop acting like you are doing me a favor by asking me for an interview. This is something that requires me taking time out of my life. I don’t want to do it. You should understand that I do not need “exposure,” because I am quite successful on my own. You should also understand that I know you are going to ask my the same mundane questions that people have been asking me for twenty years, and that is not something that I am excited about. So, if you must ask for an interview, do it with the understanding that you are asking for a favor, and act accordingly.

Rule of thumb for media: If a Dominatrix acts like you are doing her a favor by interviewing her, than she is not good or successful. In fact, she might not even work in the community at all.

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Now on to the non-media people who write to me:

I don’t want to sound like an asshole to these people, but I am about to, and I don’t think it can be helped. Sorry, but not really sorry, you know?

So, it’s so odd. It’s always the same thing. Someone is just figuring out that they are submissive and they think that I will be eager to do all this work to train them; as if male submissives are hard to come by. Here is how their e-mails always go:

“Hi Lady Violet. I am a male who is 56 and just discovering my kinky side. I am really excited to finally be doing this. I should have done it a long time ago.

About me: I am a “strong-willed” submissive, which is probably something you could break me of. I am sure you will want to try. 

I am interesting in you having a digital relationship with me. I want you to call me several times a week with commands and things you want me to do. 

If it goes well, I want to meet in person and see if we can play out some of my fantasies. I am really excited to start dating a Dominatrix now that I have come out as kinky. 

Let me know when you are ready!”

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Obviously there is so much wrong with this that I don’t know where to start, but here are some very basic tips for writing to a Dominatrix:

1. Do not go on and on about yourself. Yes, I know. When you first come out as kinky it’s all shiny and new and you think that everyone should be excited for you. But me? I have been in the kink community for over 20 years. I have worked at two dungeons, spoken at countless events, hosted tons of workshops, and even hosted a blog for nearly five years now just to explain kink so people can take some initiative and learn a little on their own.

In my more than 20 years in the kink community, I have met literally thousands of people who were just coming out. Once upon a very long time ago I did get excited for them. However, after years upon years it really does get old.

Please, do not write to me all about your coming out experience and how I should help you with it. It takes time out of my day for me to skim your e-mail and delete it, and I could have spent that time on literally anything else.

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2. Address me formally. Again, I am a Dominatrix of some notoriety and a great deal of experience. I have been around a long time. I got into the community when I was 14 and started work at my first dungeon at 16. I deserve to be addressed as “Mistress.”

In addition, if you do actually want to get on my good side, you would think you could bother to mention literally anything about me. These guys write and all they talk about is themselves like anyone wants to spend hours listen to them blather on. Do your homework by reading at least a few of my posts and finding out the most basic things about me, and then mention those things.

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3. Do not act like you are doing me a favor. I have a young and attractive submissive husband with six-pack abs and a 9 inch dick. You are not doing me a favor by offering your old, flabby body to me.

If you want me to care, then tell me why I should. What about you is interesting? What makes you stand out from the hundreds of offers I get per week? Remember that as much as kink has always been in your fantasies, I am real. All of us that you will meet in the kink community are real. We are actually people. So believe it or not, we have our own wants and needs and do not exist just to fulfill your fantasies.

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I think that is the bottom line, actually. And it applies to the media people who write to me and the men, too.

So listen up all of you:

I do not exist to please you. 

Honestly, I really don’t. No woman does. If you want something, you had better make a compelling case. Because otherwise, you are just wasting my time. (And I really, really hate that.)

Scene Negotiation

Note: This is a handout I wrote for a presentation I did at the New Culture Camp. It is about kink, and it is aimed at vanilla people. I have had a few requests for something like this in the last few days, so I thought I might re-post the handout to help you beautiful people out!

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Usually I do workshops in Scene Negotiation for kinky people. This is because it’s really important to talk carefully through scenes before you play them out if you are planning to do something involving kink. However, this same idea can be very helpful for vanilla folks as well. Healthy communication is a positive addition to any lifestyle.

So first, why do we find it so hard to talk about sex? Not all of us came from oppressive households where the topic was taboo. Some of us came from open households where our parents discussed the topic with us, right? And yet, everyone struggles at first to communicate their needs to their partner.

There is a lot going on there of course, and we could do an entire workshop on the topic of sexual repression in society. Suffice to say, even when it is a topic that you feel safe discussing at home, you are often shamed for bringing it up in public. It’s completely okay to discuss your back injury at work, but not your struggle with impotence (even though they are both medical problems). It’s fine to talk about being in a community play, but not okay to talk about wanting to roll play being kidnapped by aliens with your partner (even though both are practicing acting skills).

It is this line that we as a society have drawn which has taught us that sex is private. You shouldn’t talk about it. You should keep it to yourself. You should be embarrassed.

I am not saying that I advocate talking to your co-workers about sexual fantasies. Obviously that would make for a really strange environment that not everyone would be comfortable with. I’m not sure if changing the world is required. However, since we all grew up in the world, we do need to learn to change ourselves so that we can lower that taboo against talking about sex when we are with our partners. It may be uncomfortable at first, but like everything else, practice makes perfect!

Let’s start by realizing an important truth: No one can read our minds. That means that no one can know what we want until we tell them. Oftentimes we run into the problem of desperately wanting our partner to do or say something that would make us happy, but they don’t know because they can’t read our minds. And sometimes, we can feel resentful that they don’t do the things we want, even though we haven’t told them what they are. This is understandable, but it is also unfair. That’s why it’s important in a healthy relationship to learn to understand your own needs, and then to learn to communicate them to the person you are with.

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Figuring Out What You Want

The first step is to figure out what matters to you. This is a big step, because we are all individuals and so we all have different ideas about what is important. In order to effectively communicate with others, you must first look inside yourself and determine where your limits are. That way, you will be able to let other people know. There are several key things that you should determine for yourself when it comes to sex.

Let’s go through a list.

1. Do you wish to be monogamous?

This is a question that requires a lot of thought. If you want to be able to have sex with other people, then you also have to be comfortable with your partner having sex with other people. That can be difficult for some people, and so if you think you are curious about polyamory, it’s important to be honest with yourself and your partner and make sure you are not looking for an excuse to “cheat,” but instead have a legitimate interest in both of you perusing loving relationships outside your own.

Good questions to ask yourself:

* How would I feel if my partner went out on a date and I was at home alone?

* How would I feel if my partner developed feelings for another person?

* How would I feel if my partner decided another relationship was more valuable to him or her, and therefore moved me from the primary position to a secondary position in their life?

* What rules would be have in place to ensure good communication ?

Note: It is okay if you decide to be monogamous. It doesn’t mean that you are not open-minded and interested in sex. Just make sure that you are making a conscious choice to be monogamous or polyamorous. Don’t let yourself be pushed or coerced into anything that you are not comfortable with.

2. What is your comfort level when it comes to STDs?

Some of you may have grown up before this was a big concern, so let me start by telling you that HIV is a big deal, more aggressive strains of Herpes are going around, and there is also an untreatable strain of Chlamydia that has developed. This means the days of just taking a pill if you get something are over, and STDs are a real concern.

Personally, I prefer to exchange STD tests with potential partners prior to having sex with them. This is not a guarantee of safety since some things can take time to show up on a test. However, it is an added layer of safety that helps me to feel more comfortable with new partners.

Now, this is not always possible for me. My partner and I occasionally attend orgies. In those situations, I have to realize that I am taking a risk, and that there may be terrible consequences. We have decided in our relationship that we are okay with occasionally taking this risk if we are attending a sex party together, and we do try to minimize our risk by using condoms. It is still dangerous because many STDs can be spread by skin-to-skin contact. However, we don’t engage in orgies very often, and we feel that an occasional risk is acceptable for the same reason that we are willing to drive cars and fly in airplanes. Sometimes risk is required in order to have fun, and each person must decide for themselves what they consider to be acceptable risks.

Good questions to ask yourself:

* Have I considered all the possible consequences?

* Have I decided what risk level is acceptable to me?

* Have I decided on a plan to make sure that my risk level is met?

3. What kind of sex do I want to have?

Some people are very uncomfortable with oral sex. I have found that comfortable levels actually vary widely about a lot of things. In the kink community, we like to talk about “hard limits” and “soft limits.” So for example, you might be completely uncomfortable with the idea of anal sex, but only a little uncomfortable with oral sex. Hard limits are the things that you will communicate to your partner as unbreakable. You refuse to consider doing those things, and you do not want to be asked or have them try to coerce you into them. Soft limits are the things that you may be okay with sometimes, such as a blowjob on Valentine’s Day.

Good questions to ask yourself:

* What you are hard limits?

* What are your soft limits?

* What are things you are unsure about?

4. What are your fantasies?

Most people have things that they fantasize about, but that they have never done before. Or, perhaps they have tried them before with an ex, but don’t know how to broach the subject with their partner. Fantasies are a healthy part of life, and there is nothing wrong with trying new things that you and your partner may enjoy.

However, please remember that sometimes you have a fantasy, but it might not be a good idea to actually do it. An example might be a gang bang. Maybe the fantasy excites you, but in reality you would be sore and unhappy, and your partner would be hurt. So be honest with yourself about which fantasies you actually want to play out, and which ones are just for fun. You do not have to act on every idea that goes through your head.

Questions to ask yourself:

*Are you sure that you are comfortable with this?

*Are you sure it is fair to ask your partner for this?

*What are the things that could go wrong, and are you willing to accept responsibility for those things?

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Summary

So, now that you have asked yourself some really important questions, you have a better idea of what you want and what you are comfortable with. Great! Knowing yourself is important and some people go their whole lives without ever looking inside themselves and exploring their dreams and desires. You are already ahead of the pack!

Remember that there are always different things that each person needs to consider, so take some time to reflect/meditate/thought diagram or whatever you do to make sure that you haven’t missed anything. For example, I excluded the complication of children and pregnancy because it isn’t relevant to me. My son is grown, and I am no longer able to have children. In addition, my husband has had a vasectomy, so I don’t have to worry about him getting any of his girlfriend’s pregnant. Therefore, this isn’t a concern in my universe. But your universe may be different. So make sure you haven’t missed anything before you move on to the next step, which is to communicate your desires.

Speaking of, here is a little bit about communication:

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Communication

In the kink community, we like to use scene negotiation forms, worksheets, and checklists. I generally make a pot of tea, and then we have tea while discussing the paperwork. This is because there is a lot to consider when you are about to have a kinky threesome with two of the participants gagged and a role play scenario playing out. Vanilla sex is less complicated. Because of this, you may not need paperwork in order to let your partner know what you need.

Things to keep in mind:

1. Use positive language.

Of course this applies to all communication, but it is particularly important when talking about sex, because it is a very sensitive topic for people.

Example of poor communication: “When my ex Mandy used to lick my asshole it was amazing and I want you to do it just like her.”

Why is this an example of poor communication?

Well, for starters, we’re referring to an ex by name, and that can make it more hurtful, as though you are comparing your partner to someone else. It is often less hurtful to say something like: “In the past, I have enjoyed X.”

Now, another way this is hurtful is that the person speaking is throwing the idea in their partner’s face. We shouldn’t do that when raising new ideas or fantasies. Instead we should try to bring up the idea in a more gentle way, such as “Have you ever given any thought to X?”

Finally, let’s remember that we need to give our partner room to say no if something isn’t okay with them. People can be uncomfortable with various things due to past trauma like rape, previous negative experience with the specific thing, and many other factors. If we introduce a new idea, we need to be willing to receive a “no,” and we need to leave room to hear it.

2. Set the right mood.

When there is paperwork, you need light. Hence I try to use my living room as the place to sit, with cozy warm drinks and comfortable furniture.

However, if you are not doing a kink scene negotiation, then you probably don’t need a handout to talk about it. If that is the case, then I recommend having conversations about sex in the dark, in bed. If possible, it helps to be physically touching in some way, although I can understand that when you feel the need to emotionally pull back, you may also feel the need to physically pull back. We can’t always control those involuntary things that are brain makes our body do. However, maintain physical contact if you can, because it helps. Touch is comforting.

I also recommend music, which is something I use. I don’t necessarily use relaxing music, because often I am trying to create a sexy mood and I personally don’t find relaxing music sexy. You may feel differently. It doesn’t matter what you select as long as it’s something that you and your partner both like. It fills in awkward pauses and provides a helpful distraction.

3. Bring all your love and acceptance.

It is wonderful if you can get some or even most of the things that you want from your partner. However, since people are all very different, you will probably never get every single thing you need from one person.

Therefore, you may ask for some things and get a no. Perhaps your partner doesn’t like role-play. Maybe they don’t feel comfortable with spanking. It could be that anal sex just isn’t their thing.

And when you run into a thing that you would like and you ask your partner, it can be easy to feel like you deserve this thing because you got up the courage to ask. This is natural, but it is also wrong. You need to overcome that feeling.

Yes, it takes courage to ask for things.

However, your partner still has a right to say no.

So when you are talking about things you want, remember that you won’t get all of them. Maybe you really want to go to a sex club and switch partners with another couple. But, maybe your partner is not comfortable having sex with strangers and needs to get to know someone first. Well, just because you want to go to a sex club and have sex with a stranger, doesn’t mean that you get to if you want to stay in the relationship. You both have to be okay with it.

When possible, try to find a compromise. In the example above, you wanted to swap partners at a sex club. However, your significant other didn’t feel comfortable with that because they won’t sleep with strangers. So, you can compromise by getting to know a couple first, and then taking then to a sex club and swapping partners. If you’re all into role-play you can even pretend you have never met once you get there.

Summary

The keys to remember are:

1. Get comfortable with the idea of talking about sex.

2. Figure out what you want first.

3. Use positive language, set up a cozy environment, and be prepared to hear “no.”

4. Never stop communicating with your partner, and re-negotiate your sexual interests at least once a year because tastes change over time.

Note: I am sure all of you wonderful people know this already, but I will remind you anyway. Please make sure that you take time to put yourself in your partner’s shoes and think about them before you talk to them.

And now there is only one thing left to say: Have Fun!

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Polyamory Series: Conclusion

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Over the last several weeks, I have been writing a series on polyamory. Here are the posts in order in case you want a single link to share with a friend:

1. The Introduction: This is about what polyamory is, but also about what it is not. I find that defining things is a really useful way to start out a discussion about them, and the introduction hits all the key points (in my opinion) so that an informed discussion can follow.

2. Not About Threesomes: Often new people will assume that we all go around having sex with each other. Of course, we don’t. Often poly people are only ever interested in having sex with one person at once. However, they enjoy having a variety of relationships because they can’t get what they need from only one relationship.

3. The Poly Community: This explains in a step-by-step way how many relationships are often involved in a poly community, and how important each of them is.

4. Poly and Kink: Not all Poly-amorous people are kinky, and not all kinky people are poly. However, there is a lot of overlap (which of course why a series about polyamory is on a kink blog in the first place.)

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And then of course, we come to the conclusion.

I just want to remind everyone that Polyamory is really not something that people ever seem to choose. You just are, or you are not. So if you have always been curious and your partner can’t stand the thought of it, please don’t think that a little convincing is all they need. They probably just aren’t poly, and no amount of force can change that.

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