Happy New Year 2019!

newyearindia2010

Hey there kinky folks! Somehow it’s already 2019. I know it’s cliche, but the older I get, the faster the years fly by. It seems insane that it’s only one more year until we’re in the 20’s!

Anyway, I want to apologize for not being very good at upkeep last year. I only answered about half of my fan mail (sorry to you all because usually I respond to everyone- even the creepy guys.) I also haven’t been to good at writing posts.

It was a very busy year in 2018, and I traveled a lot. In 2019, I hope to stay on the island for the entire year and just get stuff done.

Anyway, I hope that you have a fabulous 2019! And, I hope I find some kinky fun in Oahu to write about.

download (1).jpg

Cuddles

This last year I haven’t kept up on the blog very well. I tried, but I had a lot going on. I spent the month of January traveling around Australia. Then I went home and wrote and published a novel that I had been meaning to create. Then I packed up my house and did the mountains of paperwork required for a military PCS. And finally, I spent the holidays traveling around the US seeing friends and family.

It’s been hard to get Internet access on my laptop (which I haven’t even always had with me) and it’s been hard to have a space to sit down and write.

However, I hope to move into temporary housing soon in my new home (which is Oahu, Hawaii.) I should have more time to write once that happens.

Anyway, what I really want to talk about today is cuddles. My husband hasn’t been with me for any of my travels, and I’ve mostly been without a romantic partner. That doesn’t mean that I have been alone. In fact, for much of the time I was with friends.

However, I felt awkward asking them for the cuddles.

That’s a bad thing because humans really need physical contact to be happy. It’s an important part of our well-being because it creates oxytocin (a chemical that is associated with love and joy.)

So, why couldn’t I just ask?

My friends in Australia were straight females, and I knew that if I asked for cuddles, they would think I was hitting on them. I didn’t want to do that because they would be upset about it.

My friend in Colorado -whom I stayed with- actually probably needed cuddles too, but it was her house and so I felt like it needed to be her that reached out… and she didn’t.

My friends in Arizona… well, one of them is like a brother to me and I should have been able to ask him for cuddles, but I was afraid he would think I actually meant sex. I’m never sure how to draw that line nicely, without giving offense. (I mean- I think of him as a brother, but I don’t think that’s how he thinks of me.)

Another friend I stayed with… I’ve actually always wanted to have sex with him, but we’ve been friends for twenty years and never had sex, and I was worried it might damage our friendship. I didn’t ask him for cuddles because I thought I might cross a line if we cuddled… and his St. Andrews Cross was, like, right there. So, temptation and all that.

There was this one guy; and he was smoking hot. I mean; he’s crazy-beautiful. We met online because he’s a friend of a friend, and I went to talk to him about doing the audiobook for my new novel. Seeing him in person and seeing his beautiful hair cascading over his perfect shoulders… I wanted him so bad. But the conventional wisdom is that you shouldn’t fuck up business with sex. And besides, he had a roommate who seemed to be really keen to hang pretty close to us.

It got me thinking: We put up a lot of obstacles to physical affection.

I mean, we’re just full of excuses for why physical affection isn’t appropriate! In Oregon I cuddled up to a good friend of mine who I know from my time in South Korea. It was a non-sexual cuddle as it always is. I just wanted to feel close to him and so I rested my head on his shoulder and put my arms around him. This is something we’ve done for ages, but his girlfriend was not pleased. In fact, she took a picture of us and showed my husband the picture and her anger about it (he laughed at her, but that’s not the point.)

What I’m trying to say is that humans need cuddles to be happy, and we should all stop acting like we don’t. It should be acceptable to just go up and cuddle a friend, even if they have a significant other or if they are straight and you are gay. Non-sexual (and also sexual) cuddling should be way less stigmatized.

Another reason it’s messed up that asking for cuddles is so awkward is because you can pay for cuddles. There is apparently nothing that we won’t commodity in a Capitalist society, and cuddling has become a job that you can do for money. If that doesn’t drive home the true soulless nature of our society, I don’t know what does.

I’m just so grossed out with how cold and distance the world seems. How can we be happy when we’re so isolated from ourselves and from each other? It shouldn’t be this way.

I admit, I am older. But, I’m not going to blame the Internet like everyone else does. Yes, we can interact online now in addition to interacting in person. But if you ask me, all that has done is improve dating (by narrowing it down to mostly people you want prior to meeting.) I don’t think the Internet is the issue here, because the icy nature of life was more apparent to me in person than it ever has been through a computer.

Perhaps it’s just because so many countries are experiencing depression-era conditions. I did notice a huge increase in the tent cities people are living in, and I talked to homeless folks who work 40 hours a week and still can’t afford a place to live. So, it’s possible that the low wages and high cost of living have left people too stressed out to form meaningful emotional bonds.

It could be the divisive nature of things lately. I know that I lost a life-long friend because I refused to support Trump. He went all racist and crazy, and I couldn’t handle it. Another person I care deeply for has fallen into the MRA movement, and we all know what scum they are. I used to love him, and it hurts me deeply to see him claiming outlandish things (like saying feminists “hate men,” and refusing to listen to the truth that we just want equality for all.) There is A LOT of racist and sexist rhetoric out there, and it could be pushing people apart.

And as for the paid cuddles, I can’t tell if that is part of the problem (commodification of a thing makes it seem inappropriate for free) or if it’s just a symptom (since no one wants to cuddle or feels comfortable cuddling, people will pay for it.)

I also know that I personally avoided some sex I wanted to have out of fear of STIs. There are some incurable strains going around, and I just don’t want to bring creepy-crawlies home to the husband.

I don’t know what-all is causing this lack of cuddles and sex and affection.

All I know is, it fucking sucks. This was the least cuddly year I have ever had, and I hated it. And, I don’t know… I just think I can’t be the only person who is lonely.

So, maybe talk to your friends about it? Bring it up? Maybe we can all just admit that leaning against another human on the couch while watching TV is a nice thing to be able to do, and we should all do it more?

I think we’d all feel better.

Home Safe

1200px-Australia_Day.jpg

I am sure I will have lots to tell you about my adventures in Australia soon. However, backpacking takes its toll on me, and so I need some time to rest.

I just wanted to check in and let you all know that I made it home to Guam today, safe and sound. It was an extremely long trip and lots of it was awesome. I will definitely be writing about it soon! But right now, it’s time to catch up and sleep and take a few warm baths until I finally feel clean again (because even in nice hostels, you never quite get clean enough.)

Look for posts about my adventures in the next week or two!

austrilla-profile_image-4d5b3d911ca13ade-300x300

 

 

Free Book

51HfgI-5xXL._SY445_QL70_.jpg

As some of you know, I wrote a couple of kink books. I am starting to work on the third on the trilogy after a long break in which I wrote a different and non-kink related book.

Anyway, to celebrate my returning to, and hopefully finishing the trilogy, I would like to offer you the first one for free (on Kindle.)

If a few of you read it and maybe even had something nice to say, I am sure it would motivate me to finally finish this trilogy and get on with writing other things. Thanks!

Also, feel free to buy the second book in the series.

51P0ncjGr7L._AC_US218_

FAQs for The Magically Delicious Super Slut

download.jpg

I write a lot about common questions related to BDSM.

Today I want to address some common questions that are posed to me personally by people who read this blog. Call this my FAQ that I never thought to write until now:

1. Will you have sex with me?

The answer is probably not. No offense. I just got old at some point and really tired of bad sex. In my old age (30’s) I am looking for people who already know what they are doing, will provide me with a clean STD test prior to sexual contact, and can approach me with a better line than “Will you have sex with me?”

images (4).jpg

2. Are you a prostitute? 

No. I worked at a dungeon when I was younger doing non-sexual scenes and workshops. I never did sex work.

These days, I write kink books, do workshops, and occasionally agree to a public speaking appearance. However, I should note that I think sex workers are wonderful people and I fully support the decriminalization of sex work.

images (5).jpg

3. How do I make friends in a new scene?

I always suggest getting on fetlife.com and finding the local groups in your area. If you get on there and don’t see anything, maybe that is a cue for you to be the one who starts something. It’s not like a munch is a big commitment of time or money. Just make a post suggesting a meetup at a coffee place or something, and make sure the post is a week or two before the date of the much because some of us don’t get on fetlife much.

images (2).jpg

4. Why can’t I find a play partner? 

The biggest problem seems to be that you are new to the scene, have been fantasizing about kink for years, and are now looking for someone to fulfill your fantasies.

Stop obsessing over yourself and your own fantasies, and start focusing on asking what other people are interested in.

Oftentimes the people who tell me that they can’t find a play partner are stuck in a place where they are finally “ready” to find a kinky partner, but they haven’t really gotten far enough to realize that we are people. As such, we all have our own wants and desires and are not objects to use to fulfill your fantasies.

If you can remember that, you should do just fine.

images (3)

5. What if I am only ready for an online relationship?

I will be honest: Anyone that has been in the kink community for a long time is probably not looking for an online relationship. I don’t even talk to people online to “get to know them” anymore. If their profile looks okay, I insist on coffee or lunch right off the bat. I will not waste my time with someone only to discover that we are not compatible in person.

Remember, online relationships are most beneficial to people who are not ready for a kink relationship in person. If someone is ready for a kink relationship in person, they will go have one.

So if you want someone to “dominate you online” and tell you when to wear your butt plug or how often you are allowed to masturbate, THAT is the kind of thing you are likely to have to pay for. You might check back page or silk road or somewhere like that to find a Domme who will be in an online relationship with you. It’s not illegal since there is no money-for-sex, so it’s not that hard to find.

But for the love of all the gods both living and dead, do not ask ME for an online relationship. I have way too much going on, and I am not interested in relationships unless they are mostly about sex. I have no need for an emotional connection with anyone. I am married and have a boyfriend. That is quite enough for me without wasting my time in a relationship where I won’t even be having sex.

images.jpg

6. Why are you so mean?

This is usually the response I get after someone writes me with an unreasonable request, and I tell them that their request is unreasonable.

Example: This guy wrote to me saying “I would like you to accompany me and my (Asian) girlfriend to Club Desire this week.”

Let’s unpack that statement because there is a lot here.

First: If you check my location, you will find out that I live in Guam. Yes. I wrote about Club Desire. I wrote about it when I lived in Korea. I don’t live there anyone.

Second: I don’t care what you want. I am sorry, but I don’t. I am a busy person with a lot going on, and I simply don’t have time to care what you want. As a general rule, if you want people to care what you have to say, never ever start with telling them what you want from them. No one cares.

Third: I am deeply offended when a white guy starts dating an Asian girl and feels the need to tell everyone “My Asian girlfriend…”

Look; Asians are people. That girl that you only identify as “Asian” also has a family and a job and a whole life. She might be a writer or a translator. She might be an engineer or a truck driver. She is not an object to be fetishized as simply “Asian.” If you do this, I immediately assume that you are a racist piece of shit that can’t see beyond someone’s skin color.

Forth:  And finally, he said “this week.” What kind of person only makes plans a week in advance?!? Look I am busy! I make plans at least two weeks in advance.

Bottom line: Don’t be a douche, okay? You being a douche is why I am mean. That guy was so offended that I wrote a polite response declining his invitation that he harassed me for an entire day with messages until I actually found out who he was, discovered he was in the air force, and sent his harassing messages to his commanding offer with a complaint about his behavior. If I could have found his mom’s e-mail address I would have sent them to her as well.

And that is why I am mean.

I am constantly harassed by assholes who think I owe them something because I write a blog about kink and they want to have kinky sex. I don’t owe you anything. I write this blog for free in my own time because I am a nice person and I want to help educate people. I don’t get paid to do this. I certainly don’t owe you sex because I do it.

images (1).jpg

7. What are you really like?

To be honest, I have no writer’s “Voice.” What you read is what you get. This is just me. I am probably nicer in real life because I am human. Humans tend to be nicer to people they know and value as friends than they are to strangers on the internet. But otherwise, this really is pretty much who and what I am.

And that, I think, sums up the answers to the most common questions I get in my inbox. If you want to ask me something more interesting, my e-mail is still: ladyvioletemail@gmail.com

Birthday Slut

il_340x270.948062514_lhhp

It is my birthday as a blogger!

I started this blog in August of 2012, and it’s been five years!

I admit, sometimes I want to go back and delete the posts from five years ago because I hadn’t really found my voice yet. Other times, I like to keep them there to show how far I have come.

birthdays

I want to thank every single one of you who take the time to read all the things that I write. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate you. When my friend Chris talked me into starting this blog five years ago, I was sure that no one would care.

Somehow, I now find myself with hundreds of views per day, as well as comments and e-mails all the time. I can’t believe this little blog has become so successful, and it all because of YOU!!!

download

Anyway, happy birthday to the Magically Delicious Super Slut. Here’s to five years of tips, tricks, and angry rants about kink. |

If you want to wish me a happy birthday, you could look for the Paypal button and make a small contribution to help my pay to renew my domain name, or just to help me keep writing.

I appreciate every contribution I get so much! And yes, the rumors are true, I definitely spend a lot more time e-mailing people who have donated than people who have not. It’s only fair.

cad9653439f078f809b085f2c2c88cc5--hen-party-cakes-themed-cakes

 

Thank you so very much to all of you. Your support means the world to me.

Birthday Slut

Happy-birthday-celebration-in-Pattaya

 

Every year WordPress reminds me that it is my blogging birthday by asking me to pay to renew my domain. I wish they would follow that with a congratulations on another year of blogging, but they never do.

download (1)

I guess that means it’s up to me to congratulate myself.

Of course, it would help if I could remember what anniversary this was. I have this same problem in my marriage (sorry Pet!) But I think this is four years. That’s a solid chuck of time to have produced new and exciting kinky content, so I feel like I can be pretty proud of myself.

naughty birthday9

Happy Birthday to the Magically Delicious Super Slut! May there be many more.

(Incidentally, my actual birthday is also in August, so if you wished me a happy blogging birthday, it would also be my human birthday.)

kinky_cakes_by_susiebeeca-d4y4ps0