My Reasons for Not Dating

I live in a female body, and I date mostly men. This used to be pretty easy, because men used to be mostly nice. I didn’t have a lot of trouble finding someone to spend time with.

However, things have become miserable in the dating world, and I want other people who live in female bodies to know that they are not alone in feeling frustrated. Therefore, I have decided to write out my reasons for not really being as into dating as I used to be.

First, Reddit ruined a lot of things because men got together and invented stuff like “stealthing” and “ghosting” on there.

Stealthing: The rape of a woman by getting her to consent to sex with a condom, and then removing the condom without her permission. The stated intention here is to “get the bitch pregnant” because men think it is funny. They get to trap women into bearing their offspring, which they wrote about as “totally hilarious” on the threads where this concept was created.

Ghosting: After (or before if you prefer) you get that woman pregnant without her consent, you will “ghost” her. This means that you will completely vanish. You’ll block her on social media, move if she knew where you lived, and just make sure that she is surprised by your total abandonment. Points if you find a way to get her reaction and upload it, because “it’s fun to laugh at those dumb cunts for having feelings.” The threads of this toxic stuff were unbearable to read.

(Note: I know women adopted the practice of “ghosting” after men invented it. To be fair, it makes more sense for women since men handle rejection poorly and are known to kill women who try to leave them.)

Before you ask, yes, I am aware that 4Chan is where all this anti-woman stuff started. I get that. But you have to understand, 4Chan was only ever a few weirdos. It didn’t have the audience of a movie theater, let alone the millions of people across the globe who spent time on Reddit in its heyday. Every major celebrity did an AMA on Reddit a decade ago, and it was referenced constantly in the media. 4Chan (or 8Chan now) wishes they could get that kind of attention!

You had this huge platform that was used by nearly everyone, and it was filled to the brim with toxic anti-woman rhetoric. I mean, it still is. It just doesn’t matter now because everyone forgot about Reddit and it became deeply irrelevant. However, when it was popular, it spawned a hate movement against women that has endured.

Next, idiots like Jordan Peterson came along to explain why women being inferior is “just science.” This spawned the incel movement.

Basically, a bunch of guys (many of which even look kind of normal on the outside) turned out to have really horrendous personalities. Like, offensively bad. And instead of telling them to grow up and stop being awful, the incel movement told them that it was the women’s fault that they couldn’t have sex. See women (how dare they) prefer men who treat them with respect. The incel movement contends that they do not deserve respect because women are objects, and that women have no right to prefer more attractive men over bald assholes who are unemployed and have no interesting hobbies. The very idea of women being allowed to have a preference in who they sleep with is attacked by incels, and Jordan Peterson went so far as to suggest that women should simply be assigned to the men who “deserve them” (see his vomit on “enforced monogamy.”)

Then, we got the most toxic evolution yet: Men’s Rights Activists (hereafter refereed to as MRAs.)

The name is a misnomer. They absolutely do not help set up shelters for abused men. They absolutely do not reach out to men who have been raped and find them support groups. They don’t help fathers in custody battles or fight against mandatory registration in the selective service. MRAs do nothing at all for men.

The real reason they exist is to try to gaslight women. Their entire goal is to build nonsensical arguments in which they attempt to paint women as the villains of every story. The narrative is that women only care about men’s earning power and are always trying to steal men’s money and their sperm.

(So, basically they’re trying to paint all women as the female characters in Jane Austin’s satirical work “Pride and Prejudice.” Women did used to have to find a husband when it was illegal for them to have jobs, and MRAs like to pretend that women are still motivated by the same things as they were in 1750.)

It is the most toxic garbage that culture has ever produced, and if we had any sense, we’d be locking these people up before they go on shootings sprees.

Obviously we need to take a break and talk reality because we can’t let too many paragraphs of shit pile up in a row:

1. Feminism has worked hard to fight for equal pay. We don’t have it yet, but we’re getting closer. We want to work, and we want to have access to the same pay and opportunities that men do.

2. Feminism has worked hard for equal opportunities. Once upon a time we could only be teachers or nurses, if we could have a job at all. Now, we can do almost any job. Someday we hope all jobs will be open to us!

3. Women are having less children than ever before, and the rate of women under 25 who are finding ways to get sterilized is skyrockting. Many women have rejected both marriage and children as traps that keep them from being able to work and live independently.

4. Women are not trying to take things from men. They are trying to get rights for themselves so that they can live independently with the same quality of life as men. Remember: Rights are not a pie. If we get some, it doesn’t mean men lose some.

The point is: Over time, a very toxic culture has evolved in which women are treated extremely badly and given no rights at all.

Rapists serve little to no jail time, but women who lie about being raped tend to spend decades in prison. Ergo, a man’s reputation in the community is considered to have much more value than a women’s right to not have her body violated.

Men’s healthcare isn’t regulated at all, and insurance covers things like Viagra and prostate exams as if it was nothing. Meanwhile men are trying to stop women from having access to any reproductive healthcare at all, from birth control to Plan B to a pap smear every 2 years (as is recommended to screen for cancer.) Ergo, a man’s right to healthcare is more important than a woman’s, even though women bear more responsibilities health-wise (since we literally make all the humans.)

Women are expected to work full-time, but they are also expected to do the bulk of the housework and childcare. If a child is ill, society expects the women to take the day off work, not the man. Ergo, a man’s career and free time are placed above a woman’s.

The entire world is designed for men, from cabinet height to safety features in vehicles. It’s literally dangerous to just exist in the world as a women, because safety standards for drugs, planes, and everything else are all developed with men in mind. Ergo, men’s safety and health is placed above women’s in all aspects of societal design.

Even when men are at a disadvantage, for example because of suicide or homelessness, it is because of other men.

The patriarchy is what teaches men that they cannot talk about their feelings or ask for help. Men throw the suicide rates in women’s faces and say “We’re the real victims because we kill ourselves!” Yet feminists have been begging men for ages to let go of toxic masculinity and admit to being human for the sake of their own mental health. Ergo, even when men create a problem and perpetuate a problem, they still blame it on women and use it as a way to attack women (though women are obviously not to blame for them killing themselves.)

Even as women face discrimination in all these ways and many more, MRAs will gaslight and lie and do everything they can to pretend that women have the advantage. Why? Because all they really care about is that women have the right to say “no.”

This makes them furious.

The truth is, MRAs are deeply inferior to real, worthwhile men. So, when a woman has a right to say no, they don’t get picked. This is the root of their anger and why they suck so much. Even the ones who have a girlfriend or wife are furious because they think she is inferior to what they deserve. I knew a (fairly ugly) white guy who married a (well-suited) white girl. After a few years, he became an MRA because deep down, he believed that Asian women were better than white women, and he believed that he deserved an Asian woman.

This is not a small movement. One of my ex-boyfriend’s (awkward and bad at dating) has become a Men’s Rights Activist. He’s 100% brainwashed by the rhetoric and believes the ridiculous lie that “women have it better.” As we sob over America becoming Gilead and losing all our rights, this asshole is convinced that we have it better than him!

Why? Because women can say no.

This is where we reach the true heart of the matter.

See, women are more likely to be fine with a bottle of wine, a cat, and a vibrator. From a young age, they’ve been forced to hide their emotions, even as chunks of discarded uterine lining leak out of them while they work or attend school or live their lives. Women are tough as fuck. And if women want to have kids, they can just go to a sperm bank. Plus women are more open about being sexually fluid and more likely to cuddle with or have sex with their friends. At the very least, they’ll talk to their friends about personal stuff. Women don’t actually need men, because they have themselves and each other.

On the other hand, the patriarch tells men that they can’t have friends. If they talk about anything other than sports and grilling, then they’re gay (which the patriarchy says is bad!) A man on his own has no outlet for his emotions, and no one to care about him. Men force this on themselves, but then they blame women for it. They feel that because the patriarchy tells them that they can’t have friends, that means that they are owed a wife to care about them.

This is the worst bit: MRAs are so convinced that every one of them is owed a woman who will make them the center of their universe and do everything for them. (Read: A slave.)

With all this toxic bullshit going on, I’m just tired.

I get at least one obnoxious message per week in my fetlife inbox. Some lowlife is always saying “You should suck my cock.” Um… no. I don’t want your dick pics and I’m not interested in your bullshit. I’m a person, and I deserve to be treated as such. Period.

So when people ask me why I’m not dating, this is a big part of it. Sure, there’s the health problems. And there’s the fact that I’m already maintaining several relationships. I’m busy, and dating takes time. But it’s more than that. It’s that when I do date, it’s a bunch of seriously gross dudes out there acting like assholes. And then I went on a date with a woman, and she was like “Being trans is a mental illness and abortion should be illegal,” and my metaphorical dick crawled up inside me and was like “Nnnnooooooo!!!”

What I need is to meet some people who actually think women deserve rights (which we do) and who know that being transgender is an aspect of biology (which it is.) I need to find a few decent human beings to be friends with who can restore my faith in humanity. If I can do that, then maybe I’ll think about giving dating another try.

Right now though, if my husband died, I would probably just get an iguana to cuddle (I’m allergic to fur) and call it good. I’d get arthritis in my hands from masturbating, but se la vie. It’s better than dealing with incels and MRAs.

One final note: The toxic men who are discussed in this article are the same toxic men who pretend that feminism is evil. They say that feminist “hate men.”

My husband is a feminist. He genuinely believes that women deserve equal rights, and he genuinely feels that they should be treated with dignity and respect. I have several male friends who also identify as feminists, because they know that it’s needed.

Women got the right to vote in 1920, less than 100 years ago. It was feminists who fought for this.

Women got the right to have bank accounts and lines of credit such as mortgages in 1974. Again, it was feminists who fought for this.

Women eventually got the right to have nearly all jobs, from fire fighter to Navy Seal, and this was through the tireless work of feminists.

Feminism has always been about gaining equality, and it still is. We still need to have paid family leave. We need laws that prevent women from being refused promotions due to having children. We need laws that actually punish men for rape. We need privacy in healthcare just like men have. We need to be allowed to carry weapons and use them to self-defense (which -right now- gets women thrown in prison for life.) We need to be taken seriously when we say that we are being stalked and harassed. We need doctors to take us seriously when we are in pain. Plus, you know, about a million other things that we still need to fight for. (I’m tired just thinking about it.)

However, all the goals of feminism are to get women (including minority women) the rights they deserve. Feminists do not “hate” men, nor do they want men to have less. They just want equality, and they have been fighting for it since society began.

And, we will prevail.

Sexual Assault

*This is not kink-related. It is just something I needed to say, and there is nowhere else for me to say it. 

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I think back to my days working in a dungeon when I was a young girl, and I have to tell you: nearly every single guy that I ever interacted with hit on me to the point that I was uncomfortable. They refused to take “no” for an answer, and usually described their anatomy or showed me their anatomy in an attempt to “woo” me. They were downright disgusting, and I was expected to laugh it off because that is what women are supposed to do when men make them uncomfortable. And I’m ashamed to say that I did laugh it off for years.

There was only one guy in all the time I worked and played in the kink community who didn’t make me feel deeply uncomfortable. His name was Alex, and he was an amazing human being. Alex stands out like a candle in a field at midnight, because he was so unique and singular in his behavior. Alex treated me like a person.

When I was bar tending, it was about 90% of guys who came in that hit on me until I was uncomfortable. Those 10% who just paid for their beers and left without trying to fuck me were fabulous men, and they were a rare breed. I paid my way through my second degree slinging drinks, and a huge part of my job was getting groped by drunk men and having them tell me about how great their penises were. They hugged me just so that they could press their smelly bodies up against me, and they refused to pay me if I said no to their hugs or shrank from their grabbing.

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Now remember: This is not about the times that I was raped (those are separate stories.) We are only talking about times that men hit on me to the point that I was uncomfortable. And you should know that it was all the time. I was thin and attractive. Every man I ever encountered acted like he was entitled to hit on me, and then to slobber all over me and tell me why I should fuck them. Many were really old. Most were fat. I did not invite ANY of it. I did not want ANY of it.

I am writing about this because of the Kevin Spacey thing last year. Apparently, he was at a party 30 years ago, and he hit on a boy who didn’t want to be hit on. It is my understanding that it was at a Hollywood party full of stars, and that everyone was assumed to be over 21 because there was alcohol. From what I have read, Kevin Spacey hit on this boy and made him feel uncomfortable, and the boy finally decided to come forward and say that he was upset because of the way he was hit on.

Within a day of this coming out, House of Cards was pulled. No one doubted the boy’s story, or said that it was his own fault for dressing slutty and getting wasted at a party he shouldn’t have even been at. No one said that this boy was just lying to get money or attention. No one blamed him at all. They all believed him, blamed Kevin Spacey, and got House of Cards cancelled.

It’s been a year since then, and a verdict was quietly reached and ignored by the media. Since Kevin Spacey didn’t hold a press conference, I think we can be pretty sure that he was found guilty. And because he sexually harassed a man, there were professional consequences for him.

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Yet, even when a man is found guilty of raping a woman, they tend to serve very little jail time and face very few consequences. Look at Brock Turner, who was convicted of a brutal rape. It was so bad that the boys who witnessed it cried when describing it on the stand.

I think Brock Turner did three months in prison? I can’t recall. But, he hardly got the kind of time he deserved. It was a truly heinous act that he committed.

And that was a brutal rape. I’m not even talking about that. What we’re talking about in terms of Kevin Spacey is assault. I mean, sexual assault is not good, but I think we can all admit that it’s less bad than rape.

I just want to add my voice to this issue by saying that I have been harassed. Not just once or twice, but thousands of times a year for decades. And, while everyone claims that the #MeToo movement made a difference, I can’t see any evidence of that. I’m still getting harassed, and I still don’t see anyone caring.

What I am saying is: This scandal is the most sexist thing that I have ever seen, and if every guy who sexually harassed me went to jail, they would have to build several new jails to accommodate them all.

This is my story, but it is also every girl’s story because it happens to all of us.

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I was made to feel uncomfortable by men who hit on me from the moment I got my first job at thirteen. I was working at a frozen custard shop inside a Cousin’s Subs. It was called Uncle Bill’s Frozen Custard, and they came up with the idea for “mix ins” in frozen treats.

Anyway, thirteen-year-old me begged my boss, Bill Loker, to stop the other employees from hitting on me. I remember once a guy named Javier cornered me while I was cleaning the bathroom and slammed me into the wall. He shoved his tongue down my throat as I struggled to get away. My boss told me to deal with it on my own because that was just how it was (1995.)

The customers were just as bad. I remember one old man asking me to bring his custard to the table because he didn’t want to stand back up to get it when I was done mixing in his Oreos. I obeyed, and he grabbed my ass when I walked up to the table. I told my boss, but he again told me to suck it up.

A year later I faced the same kind of shit at The Coyote Grill. And after that, I faced the same shit at The Pink Pepper Thai Cuisine. Everywhere I worked in all those years that I was a minor, I was sexually harassed and assaulted by fellow employees and customers. And every time I complained, people told me that this was just how it was.

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If I had ever tried to get any of those men in trouble, the cops would have laughed me out of the police station. I know because I had a co-worker who tried to report an incident. The cops simply called her a whore and blamed her for wearing short skirts, and they didn’t even let her press charges.

First, they tried to persuade her that she had misunderstood what happened. When she insisted that she had not misunderstood, they then told her she was lying. And when she persisted, they called her a whore and said it was her fault and she’d been “asking for it.”

I am not saying that anyone should have to be sexually assaulted. I don’t think anyone should have to deal with that.

However, I am saying that women are called liars and whores for being raped, and Kevin Spacey got his show cancelled simply because he hit on someone who didn’t like it and it made the victim feel uncomfortable.

 

 

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Full Disclosure: I have never seen House of Cards, and I am not really a fan of Kevin Spacey. I guess he was okay in The Usual Suspects, but other than that, I have never really liked him in anything. So this really isn’t about him. It’s about the reaction of the masses to a boy being abused, and how different it is from the reaction of the masses to a girl being abused.

The MRA crowd is always saying that we have equality, but you have to look at the facts. Women get laughed out of police stations when trying to file rape charges, but men who are sexually assaulted are taken seriously often, and are even allowed to press charges.

I know that since last year the Incels and the MRAs have really ramped up their rhetoric. They’re been trying to convince everyone that men are the real victims and that nothing bad ever happens to women.

I just wanted you to know that sexual assault against women is so common that we sometimes feel like it’s pointless to even talk about it. We’re discouraged, and we’re tired.

And another thing: In the last year, men have used the #MeToo Movement as an excuse to refuse to hire women, citing that “I don’t know where the line is anymore.” Remember: When a gay man hits on them, they know exactly what sexual harassment is and where the line is. A guy who is being made uncomfortable by unwanted sexual advances knows exactly what is unacceptable and what is not okay.

The ploy that women are “too sensitive” and men “don’t know where the line is” is intended to shout down the women who come forward. It perpetuates the idea that men are too helpless and socially inept to know when they are being predatory, and it tells women that if they ever dare to complain, there will be consequences.

It’s not okay. None of this is okay. So be a good human, and don’t sexually assault women. No matter what a “pick-up artist” will tell you, we don’t like it.

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So You’re Monogamous

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In the kink community, there is this pressure to be polyamorous. I think this is because it’s really hard to find someone who can be everything you want when you have a lot of kinks.

For example, I am a switch. I know I mostly write from the perspective of a Domme, but I have switched in the past. I just can’t do it with the same person. If I dominate someone, I’m not going to then turn around and submit to them. It’s just not comfortable in my brain.

Don’t bother telling me that this speaks to some deep-seeded issue. We all have issues, and not all of them can (or even need to be) worked out. If your life works the way it is and you are happy, then don’t change a thing.

Now, in most of my relationships, I’m the Domme. But every now and then, I’ll find someone who clicks with me just right, and I’ll be willing to be a submissive. That submissive relationship won’t satisfy me completely because I’m still 99% Domme, so it can’t be my only relationship.

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Polyamory exists in many varieties, and for many reasons.

In the case of my husband, he’s my Pet. I can’t see him as Dominant because he curls up in my lap and I stoke his hair and he’s my perfect little plaything. I don’t want to taint or compromise it in any way; it’s exactly what I want for us and it makes me so happy.

If you ask me, I think this speaks to why kinky people are so likely to create multiple meaningful attachments. After all, sometimes I do want to be submissive (or even just a different kind of dominant,) and I need an entire other person for that.

There’s also stuff that he’s just not into (like role play) that I really love. So, I need a whole other person for that as well.

Kink is varied and there’s a lot going on, and you probably won’t find one person that can be your everything all the time.

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The problem is this: Some people are actually just monogamous. Being poly or monogamous is another orientation. You’re born that way, though maybe it takes you a long time to figure out. In the end, it’s who you are.

Let’s talk about an example:

I dated a guy many years ago who was fun and kinky and interesting. He looked a little weird (big forehead, odd lips) but he was funny, had an infectious energy, and was generally enjoyable to be around.

However, he was monogamous.

Now, he didn’t accept that about himself. He claimed to be poly and had no issue with me dating. And, since I didn’t know he was monogamous, I had no issue with him looking for another person to date as well. (Note: he was completely single when I met him- which is fairly inconceivable to a poly person. I don’t think I’ve been completely single since middle school.)

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The moment he found another girl he liked, he vanished. Oh, he still sent a message here and there and tried, but he simply wasn’t able to split his attention. He was completely incapable of thinking about more than one person.

It was jarring for me, since I had put a fair amount of emotional investment into the relationship. It sucked to basically be ghosted (though he wasn’t consciously aware he was doing that.)

I did try tell him that his behavior wasn’t okay, and that I still deserved attention even if he began dating someone else. He lashed out in a way that was childish, cruel, and unexpected. He said I was being emotionally manipulative, and made all kinds of completely unfair accusations.

Obviously, I know that it probably did feel that way to him (like I was being unfair.) However, that’s only because he literally lacked the ability to pay attention to more than one sexual partner at once. My asking for attention felt like a manipulation since I said I didn’t mind if he dated someone else. He simply didn’t have the bandwidth to comprehend what he was doing. It was like he expected me to stay on hold while he let the other relationship run its course, and he didn’t understand that polyamory isn’t putting someone on hold so you can go obsess over new people.

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In my opinion, the hardest part of being poly is stepping up. You have to pay the same amount of attention to the person you were already dating, and then make new energy for the new person. I understand that it’s hard for some people to split their attention or to handle more than one thing at once. I’m not criticizing them for this single-mindedness.

However, if you are monogamous, figure it the fuck out.

And remember: there is a difference between sexual monogamy and emotional monogamy. Some people are emotionally monogamous but just have sex with other people. They don’t develop relationships with the extraneous people. They don’t send them Christmas cards or try to keep them in their lives. They only want extra people for sex, but they are unable to expend the emotional effort to care for those people.

If you are emotionally monogamous, then everyone who comes in contact with you needs to know that. There is nothing at all wrong with sex that doesn’t involve emotion. Casual sex is awesome! But, the people who sleep with you need to know that you don’t have the capability to handle more than one emotional attachment at a time.

It all comes down to being conscious of who and what you are. I know monogamy is stigmatized in the kink community. However, if you are a monogamous person, just be open about it. It’s who you are, and you need to demand respect like the rest of us do.

And remember: Polyamory might be the standard in the kink community, but you’re still the one who gets to blend in with the vanillas and have relationships that don’t require a flow chart!

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Finally, let’s circle back to the start and talk about compromise.  Monogamous people are not emotionally capable of maintaining more than one attachment. However, they often can’t get everything that they want from the partner that they have. The compromise they make is all over culture: The poor man who wants some excitement in his life. The poor woman who has a nice guy but dreams of someone handsome (just for a night!) Etc… etc… etc…

The stories about the compromises of monogamy get told. We all know them.

Monogamous people often think that we don’t make any compromises since we can sleep with more than one person. This is absolutely not true!

My husband put up with my crabby boyfriend staying here for a week. That was a huge compromise on his part! He has to accept me writing letters and sending birthday cards to all the people I maintain relationships with. And, he feels sad sometimes when I am paying attention to people who aren’t him.

By the same token, I love to set up play dates for him so that he can experiment with different types of play and have some variety in his life. But, I do feel a little sad sometimes when I think of how there are pieces of him that I don’t get to share. Knowing those pieces exist is my compromise.

You’ll never be in a happy, healthy relationship that doesn’t involve some compromise. So embrace who you are, and make the best decisions based on what you can handle.

But please monogamous folks, know yourself. Don’t date poly people if you can’t be poly.

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First Dates

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Even vanilla people hate first dates. Half the guys are creepers. Half the women are Republican. There’s not much chance for a good match.

When you add kink on top, it gets worse. You probably have specific things that you are hoping to find, such as someone who isn’t afraid of anal play or who won’t judge you for using gear ties instead of ropes. They probably also have specific desires as well, and those desires likely don’t line up with yours.

The more complicated you like your sex, the harder it is to find someone that you are compatible with. That’s why dating in the kink community is so much more difficult than dating in the vanilla world.

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Actually, I don’t even like to call the first meeting offline a “date” because I think that puts too much pressure on it. It’s always annoyed me when people refer to a first meeting as a “date,” as if trying to overlay some societal expectation onto my behavior. I’m just trying to figure out if you’re cool since you wrote to me on the internet. Let’s not call it a date unless we already know each other from somewhere and we already like each other.

“Dates” are for people who have a mutual attraction. One does not get that from text online. One gets that from being around someone in person. There’s no substitute.

Anyway, as an example of first date hell: I recently went out with a girl. She contacted me, and I figured it was worth a few hours of my time to meet her (even though I have been feeling like shit lately) because anytime a semi-normal person talks to you on Fetlife it feels like you ought to at least meet them. She picked the place, which was an IHOP by the airport. However, I endeavored to keep an open mind.

 

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As far as kink goes, we were a match. She’s a submissive of the sort I would want. She’d be willing to play with my Pet as well. She’s fine with swapping STD tests. She even likes D&D (which I feel shows an aptitude for Role Play.) In terms of just the potential for kinky sex, we were a match (which is so rare!)

And yet, somehow someone who seemed completely perfect on paper turned out to be a chore to be around in person. She kept throwing out completely false facts like:

We only know about 5% of what is in the ocean so there are animals we don’t know about in there that could just come eat you.” (That’s not true- we know about a lot more than 5% of the animals in the ocean, and you will not get eaten by a mysterious and unidentified animal if you snorkel.)

And:

Less than 1% of abortions are because the baby is deformed or because the mom is at risk.” (Again, not true at all. Most abortions are done because there is a risk to the mother or a problem with the baby. It’s not a choice people make lightly. But of course, Republicans have made sure that you can’t demonstrate this because in the 90’s they made it illegal to collect data. I rely on data from other countries because that’s all you can get anymore.)

 

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You might ask yourself: “Couldn’t you just gag her while you fuck her and not spend any time with her outside of sex?

Yes, I think some people could make that work. I wish I was one of them. But the thing is, I can’t get horny for someone who grosses me out as a person. She’s anti-choice! How could I get into that? How could anyone? My sex drive went in reverse listening to her talk about her kids (one of which she doesn’t like and all of which have different dads.) Then there was her Fox News talking points about how healthcare in Canada is “basically murder.” Everything she said was gross and untrue, and I kinda felt like I needed to take a shower after talking to her.

After the underwhelming meal, she followed me to my car (though I tried to say goodbye in front of the restaurant.) That’s when it got bad. She made fun of my Jeep.

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It’s a 2004 because I wanted something older. Newer cars are impossible to work on yourself since everything is computerized, and who wants to spend money on mechanics? Plus I don’t feel comfortable driving nice cars because then if a shopping cart rolls into them in the parking lot, I have to get upset about a scratch. Also, I park it at a lot of beaches and hiking trails in sketchy areas, and no one is going to break into an old Jeep because they assume there is nothing to steal (and they’re right- I don’t keep valuables in my car.)

She also made fun of it for being dirty, which is so dumb. Why wash a Jeep? It’s just going to go off road tomorrow and get dirty again. What? Am I supposed to care what people I don’t know might think if my car is dirty? Fuck them. Fuck anyone who wants to have an opinion about the mud on my tires or the dirt on my windows. As long as I have good visibility and it’s safe to drive, the mud stays.

It’s more than the specifics, though. It’s the general issue with people like that. They live their lives trying to impress others. That sounds exhausting, pointless, and like a complete waste of a life. You couldn’t pay me to care what a stranger thinks about me! And to be so shallow that you need to make yourself feel valuable by having nicer things than others? Yuck!

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My value comes from within. I’ve seen and done amazing things. I’ve traveled the world. I’ve meditated with monks in three different countries. I struggled with issues stemming from childhood abuse, battled my demons, and won. I did event planning and threw fetish proms and made amazing memories for myself and for others. I’m proud of who I am, what I have done, and how I see the world.

Could I drive a nice car if I wanted to? Yup. Could I wear brand name clothes if I wanted to? Yup. I could have amazing things and I could polish them daily in hopes that others would validate me by congratulating me on my shinny possessions. I could waste my entire life on vapid, stupid pursuits.

But, I won’t.

I’m going to do the bare minimum required to survive so that I have time for FUN. I want to climb every mountain, snorkel every reef, and have all the sex. I want to spend my time doing things I love, and spend my money on amazing experiences. For example: That girl spent about $400 a month on a car payment. I spent $400 during my entire week of backpacking around Chang Mai. There is no way I would rather have a fancy car for one month than those memories.

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This is why dating in the kink world is harder. It’s also why I hate calling it a “first date” when I meet a new person. There’s just too much going on.

Kink Concerns: Are we compatible in terms of BDSM? Will this person fit into my poly lifestyle in a way that all partners will be comfortable with? Are they attractive enough and interesting enough for me to want to play with them? Are they concerned enough with safety?

Vanilla Concerns: Can I stand to be around this person? Do they say things so heinous that I want to punch them? Are they a racist piece of shit or a Trump supporter? Are they a feminist or are they an idiot?

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I feel like I need to be compatible with people on a kink level and on a vanilla level in order to enjoy playing scenes with them. After all, if someone is shallow and vapid, then they need WAY more aftercare and time spent validating them because they are empty inside. I don’t want to spend all my time on that. And I just can’t get horny for someone who throws out fake statistics to defend draconian beliefs, either.

I’ve been very lucky to have found a lot of compatible people in my life. And when I like someone, I’ll keep them around forever. Example: I have a boy who I like as a human (he’s nice, we have similar values, and he’s into D&D.) The sex wasn’t always great, but there were some really hot moments that I still fantasize about. I’ll probably talk to him as long as he wants to talk to me. I’ll also harbor hopes that we can recreate some of those really good moments. Plus, I’ve grown to consider him a good friend.

I think that’s the best way to be kinky and poly. Find the people you are compatible with, and just keep them around for the rest of your life. It might not work for everyone, but it works for me. Anything to avoid dating, right?

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TNG Munches

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There’s been a lot of controversy around TNG munches, which are munches for people who are 18 to 35 and no one else. I hadn’t written about this topic (in spite being asked to) when I was under 35. It felt like I couldn’t really understand both sides of the issue, and all I knew was that it was nice to not have creepy old guys trying to grab my butt.

I’m over 35 now, and have been for a couple years. This means I’ve had some time (being excluded) to think about it. And you know what? I’m still okay with it.

The thing about society at large is that there’s entirely too many old white guys hitting on 18-year-olds because they are too weak to handle a woman their own age (or, a woman old enough to know her own mind.)

I was one of the girls who understood this weakness even when I was 18. I was never naive enough to think “I’m just more interesting than a girl their age.” I always knew it was predatory and creepy when guys in their 50’s and 60’s leaned in close and tried to touch me even though they were older than my dad.

I still think that is creepy now that I am almost 40. If that’s your kink then good for you, but I think it’s super uncomfortable and I have never wanted a man my father’s age or older to hit on me. Ever.

I sometimes feel like Russell Brand, who famously said: “When I was poor they told me that I couldn’t talk about income inequality because I was just jealous. Now that I am rich, they tell me I can’t talk about it because I have money. I’m starting to think that they just don’t want anyone to talk about income inequality.”

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When I was young I didn’t want to write about it because even offering my opinion at a munch, I was told to shut up because I didn’t know what it felt like to be excluded. I would argue that as a woman, I’ve always been excluded from hundreds of opportunities that were available to men, so I have always known what exclusion felt like. But I didn’t specifically know what age discrimination felt like, so people shouted me down.

Now that I’ve been over 35 for a couple years, I have had plenty of time to see TNG munches posted and know that I can’t go. I’ve had plenty of time to think about it. And, I’m still glad that they exist. I’m still glad that the young women of our community have somewhere safe to go where predatory old men can’t grab at them.

To be perfectly clear: Yes, I know that some old men have caught up with the times. There are some who are respectful and who are not pushy and rapey. But, that’s the exception rather than the rule in my experience.  And you really can’t tell me otherwise, because I was a very attractive young girl in the kink community from when I was 16 onward, so I have had decades of experience with creepy old guys hitting on me. I can count the old men on my fingers who have shown me the respect I deserved and given me the space that I wanted.

Now that some of my friend’s daughters have found their way into the kink community, they assure me that nothing has changed, and unwanted attention and touching is the rule, rather than the exception,

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Also to be clear: Yes, I know old men will say it’s generational. They will say that in their time, woman didn’t mind a pat on the bottom or a guy stealing a feel during a hug. However, that’s simply not true. Women always minded those things, but many never felt safe enough to say so until recently. It was actually never okay, and it’s not okay now.

By the way, I don’t think “It was okay in my day” is ever an acceptable excuse. You need to keep up with the times, or stay home and hide in shame. Going out and trying to behave in ways that have long since been changed (with good reason) isn’t cool, and it’s the reason that TNG munches were created in the first place.

I think the people who complain about TNG munches are what I always suspected when I was young: The worst sort of people. Look, just leave the damn kids alone. You dated young people when you were young. Let them enjoy dating young people while they are young.

And if your thing is going for people younger than your kids, at least have the class to find the ones who are into that by reading their profiles, and confine your efforts to those specific women.

One Last Thing: Older men assume that they can just be a “sugar daddy” and young women will date them even though they are grossed out. Once again, you have to look for that on a girl’s profile. I won’t be coerced into dating someone older than my father for any amount of money. I won’t do it for a free house, a car, and a million dollars. I never would have, even when I was 18 and starving to death. We’re allowed to have standards and we’re allowed to say no.

No one has to share your kink just because you want them to.

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I Don’t Owe You An Explanation

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Being kinky, we’re often part of a group that is looked down on or considered to be “freaks.” I am actually part of a few more protected classes than that. I’m queergender, bisexual, and female.

The hardest one of those is presenting as female, because I have faced a lot of discrimination over it. In particular, people in my higher math classes in college literally ignored me even when I knew they could hear me because they didn’t think a woman had a right to speak.

I may be queergender, but I live in a female body. That means the burden of birth control and the entire reproduction of the species is something I have to carry. Men grope and mock me all the time. I’ve had to fight very hard to be taken seriously in spaces where men just walked in and were treated well because they presented as men. It sucks being in a female body.

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In spite of all the discrimination I have faced in my life and that all women face, there will always be some asshole trying to shout us down and tell us that we have it easy because men like our tits.

I had a friend named (Insert Generic White Male Name Here.) This friend was a decent guy when I knew him in Korea, but unfortunately, he’s gotten mixed up in the MRA movement since then;- really toxic Jordan Peterson kind of stuff.

This manifested in him coming to my pages on social media and attacking me; though I never went to his pages on social media to attack him. It was violent and shitty, but I still tried to have a conversation with him because he used to be a friend. I sent him Christmas cards and shit. We used to be close. But anytime I would try to talk to him about something, he would do two things:

1. Refuse to educate himself and instead demand that I provide a long list of sources that HE approved of, as well as an in-depth explanation of those sources so he didn’t have to read them.

2. Take a bunch of deeply misunderstood principles from Philosophy and tell me that I had to follow them when I explained things to him exactly as he constructed, or nothing I said would matter.

This is abuse.

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I think it’s important to break down why this is abuse, and why it is unacceptable.

Now first off: As a woman, I don’t owe you sources or an explanation when I say things are not equal between the sexes. I’m relating a FACT, and it is up to you to educate yourself if you disagree, because statistics are on my side.

You can post on your own page about how men are the real victims all you want, and you can cry your sad little heart out. However, if you come to MY page and demand that I explain MY oppression, then you are automatically wrong.

You don’t get to make demands that someone teach you about the objective reality of the world in their own space.

Second, oppressed people already have to deal with being oppressed. That’s quite enough torture for us to put up with without you harassing us. And if you actually care, then you can go read the writings of oppressed people who talk about what it is like (women, transgender people, minorities, etc have all written books about it.) There are facts all over the library, and you can go find them. No one owes you an explanation. It is your responsibility to educate yourself.

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Third, no one has to conform to your format.

I said: “We used to be good friends, and it disappoints me that you would attack me like this. It hurts my feelings.”

His response? “Now you’re just trying to use emotional manipulation which is not a valid argument tactic so YOU’RE WRONG!!!!!!”

But, I wasn’t wrong.

In fact, I was totally on-point.

When someone you used to care about turns into a piece of shit, it does hurt. It hurts a lot. And saying that is valid.

The point is: I don’t have to talk to you in the way that you want to be talked to. Don’t be a fucking snowflake. You need to learn to handle your shit like a big boy and hear what people are saying. That’s what grown-ups do. You don’t scream like a little bitch: “You’re not saying things I want you to say, waaaaaa!”

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If you listen, you might learn something. If you cry and plug your ears, you won’t learn anything at all.

Those of us who are queergender, bisexual, and presenting female face all kinds of discrimination on a daily basis. We’re not too weak to hear the facts, because we get shit on every day by straight white cisgender men. You build up a thick skin when all your get all the time is discrimination and attacks. Then some white man comes along with skin so thin that a light breeze could tear it and demands that everyone stop what they are doing and spoon-feed him an explanation in exactly the way he wants.

Are you fucking kidding me? Are you?!?

I have always put in more effort than others. I’m the one who remembers birthdays and who sends Holiday cards. I’m the one who reaches out first, and the one who sends the first e-mail. I’m a nice person and I do my best to make people in my life feel valued.

But I draw the line at these incels who get into MRA bullshit and become the fragilest of fragile and expect to be coddled.

Look: We’re kinky. There’s not a lot of us and they are taking down our websites and trying to stop us from being able to engage with each other. We have a responsibility to each other and to our community to listen to each other and to educate ourselves. We have a responsibility to stick together.

So don’t be a piece of shit like (Insert Generic White Male Name Here.) Don’t turn on your fellow kinksters and become a whiny piece of shit too fragile to handle the fact that some people have more difficult experiences than you, and they don’t owe you an explanation.

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I Don’t Feel Like Prancing

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I have moved to a new place, and I should be out getting to know people. However, I’ve been battling some pretty serious health issues lately, and I just haven’t had the energy. (I’m really old.)

Being laid up gives you time to scroll. I do spend time reading and doing things that are better for me, but I spend more time than I should scrolling. It makes me think about how saddened I am by the BDSM community (and the world at large) these days. There’s just so much attention-seeking, and everyone is fighting for “likes” and “shares” and validation.

We didn’t used to be like that.

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I hate to be that shitty old person who is like “Things were better in my day…” But a meetup back when I was younger was more about talking to like-minded people and sharing a connection over our mutual freakishness. I loved that.

Now, you go to a meetup and there’s a bunch of people just assessing you as “fuckable” or “not fuckable” and there’s so much less productive conversation. I don’t even think it’s generational. It’s older kinksters at these meetups too. I think it’s just what we’ve become.

It’s like everyone is out to commodity every relationship in some way and see what value the other person can have or what validation they can give.

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I’m not touchy-feely as a rule (probably due to being raped- which really did put me off strangers.) But when I spoke at this convention a couple years ago, everyone there was really upset by my standoffishness. They’ve reduced the concept of “connection” to touching, which is not at all the same thing.

I’m tired of feeling like the only thing going on in the kink space is a meat market full of peacocks.

I don’t know… I guess I’m just not looking forward to doing it all again. I’m too exhausted to smile and validate people and act like I care what they think of me. Why don’t we have munches for those of us who are deeply cynical, don’t care about attention or validation, and who just want to bullshit with other freaks? I don’t feel like putting on my slut-costume and prancing right now, so can we just hang out and chat?

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