The Politics of Dating

Bryony-and-Harry_2813741b

The man enjoys free time while the woman cleans and cares for the baby. This is the narrative that men are pushing as “normal.”

When I was a little girl, I remember being taught a narrative by adults and the media. It was: “Girls want to get married, and boys don’t.” This was largely true in the 1980’s, because women still weren’t allowed to do most jobs, and they were paid significantly less than men for the same work. They had to get married or face extreme poverty. Without any real choice, women got married.

During my lifetime, I have seen things change dramatically. Women have a choice now. The pay gap is still there in most fields, but it is smaller. And these days, there are very few jobs that still exclude women.

Of course, the pink tax is still holding women back. And, the lack of paid maternity leave and government daycare often places and unfair burden on women (who are still overwhelmingly doing all the childcare.)

images

Items for women are taxed extra, such as tampons and makeup.

However, we have come much closer to equality. As this has happened, there has also been a fundamental shift in the dating community and in which gender most hopes to get married.

According to recent studies, men benefit from marriage. They report higher levels of happiness, and they enjoy better health. Marriage is a good deal for men.

However, the opposite is true for women. Married women tend to be more overweight, and more likely to suffer from poor health and stress. In fact, divorcesource.com claims that 80% of all divorces are filed by women. This is in spite of the fact that changes in the law mean that women tend to get nothing in a divorce besides what they came into the marriage with.

Man Relaxing While Woman Doing Chores At Home

A man relaxes while a woman cleans around him.

So why are so many women refusing marriage, and so many more choosing divorce? To start with, studies show that male attitudes have not changed in spite of the shift in culture.

When I was a child, the bureau of labor reports that only about 50% of women were working. However, women are at nearly full employment now. (Excluding cults like the FLDS and the Quiverfull Movement which oppress women from childhood and force them into an endless cycle of pregnancy and birth until they die.)

What this means is that any women you date (if you are not in a cult) will be working full-time. Yet, studies show that men still expect women to do all of the unpaid emotional labor, housework, and cooking. A man who does any of these things in the course of a relationship sees it as him “helping out” instead of simply carrying his own weight like he should. The statistics get even worse once a couple has a child, and studies show that women do nearly all of the childcare, including taking days off when a child is sick.

csm_005-The-Second-Shift-A-Hochschild-1_83eb1955be

“The second shift” refers to married woman having two full time jobs while men only have one.

This unequal power dynamic in relationships has caused serious problems. Women are tired of having to do the same amount of work as a man outside the home, and then being expected to do all of the work inside the home (while their male partner focuses on “guy time” and leisure activities such as video games and male-oriented outings.)

How does this change the politics of dating?

Well, men are far more hostile because they are rejecting equality. Some have blamed this on the Internet, but studies show that even when men meet a woman in-person, they are more hostile towards the woman and reject the idea of feminism in a majority of the cases.

Anti-woman groups like the MRA movement and Incles have swelled in number, and the general sentiment among men seems to be that women are “just after their money.”

Oddly, this narrative is pushed in culture exclusively by men. The idea that women want money and gifts from a man is mentioned with an 86% frequency among men (showing that nearly all men believe this outlandish claim.)

Another odd thing: Men claim that women refuse to date ugly men in spite of the overwhelming prevalence in culture of ugly men with attractive women and ugly women alone.

download

In culture, we actually accept fat men with skinny women. However, there are no fat women with skinny men.

(Note: If you don’t read any of the other links, read that last one. It’s about a trend called “pigging” where men find a fat girl and pretend to love her until finally standing her up publicly while shaming her for her weight. Men go out of their way to hurt fat women while women go out of their way to make unattractive men feel comfortable.)

However, women felt completely differently.

When asked how women felt about dating and what they wanted in a mate, women overwhelmingly said they wanted someone who would treat them as an equal. They didn’t care that much about looks or money. They wanted men to do an equal share of the emotional labor in a relationship, and an equal share of household tasks. They also wanted to be valued and have their time considered as important as that of their mate. And not surprisingly, straight women complained about not enough orgasms.

(That last part is not new though, as the imbalance in orgasms in straight relationships has been an issue for most of history.)

tv-king-queens

King of Queen star is fat, while his co-star is skinny and attractive.

Research suggests that this discrepancy in what men think women want and what women actually want is entirely based on a narrative pushed by men in culture. Men are the ones telling men that women want money and status. And, when a man is confronted with an actual woman telling him what she actually wants, they often refuse to accept it.

Why does it matter? Well, there are three main reasons that this really sucks:

1. It makes dating horrible. Men are aggressive and angry, and women are sad and disappointed. This makes for a host of bullshit from stealthing to ghosting, and an increase in people being stood up for dates. It is a toxic and hostile environment that makes us all dread dating.

2. The birth rate is falling fast. This may seem like a good thing since some would argue that it is better for the planet, but it is a demographic time bomb that will leave adults now with no one to care for them in their old age. It also points to serious economic issues in the future.

3. Single men who feel unable to woo a woman tend to act out in terrible ways. Rape, murder, and terrorist attacks are all too common ways that men attack women for their right to refuse a date. This creates an unfair burden on women, who are often terrified of being raped or murdered if they go on a date or refuse a date.

Natural_Born_Kissers

Over and over we see that fat men are supposed to have hot wives and fat women get cats.

One study suggested that part of the bitterness in male culture in modern society is that men cannot produce their own offspring. While women do not need men to create a baby (sperm is cheap,) men do need women to make a baby. Therefore, in order to have offspring, a man must be able to successful woo a woman. This is very hard for many men, since they think that all women are gold-diggers who should have to do their laundry and cook for them.

The difference in expectations in not just an American problem. Women all over the world are rejecting the idea that they should have to be masters of the home and childcare, and they are asking for partners to treat them as equals.

In many countries, this has actually let to men buying wives from third world countries so that they have financial power over their wives and can force them into a tradition gender role from 100 years ago. However, many international organizations are really cracking down on sex trafficking. It is getting harder and harder for men to simply buy a wife that they can force into servitude.

images (1)

Men buy women for as little as $1,000 from some countries and then keep their passport, forcing them to be subservient.

So, what will the future hold for us? Will dating continue to be a cesspool of bullshit that frustrates us all and continues to perpetuate a useless gender war?

As far as scientists can tell, it seems unlikely that women will give up their newfound independence. They love working, living alone, and having freedom for the first time in human history. This means it will have to be the men who cave in and agree to treat women as equals if we want relationships to work in the future. (And honestly, if you are against equality you are wrong.)

For me, I feel that there is hope. In spite of Incels, Men’s Rights Activists, and other groups dedicated to the hate and oppression of women; I do think that men will come around. I think this because when I look at the dialog going on in each camp, I see similar themes.

Feminism is constantly suggesting that patriarchy hurts men as much as it does women, and citing the issue of men being told not to express emotions and instead to repress everything.  This same thing is cited by men as something that they want to change. In fact, most things that feminists argue for are things that men say that they want. This means that if men stopped arguing for just a moment and listened to what women were saying, we could actually fix all the problems in society pretty quickly.

(Note: There is no female equivalent of an MRA. I just want to point that out because groups dedicated to hating women are big, and groups dedicated to hating men are not. Women, by and large, have simply moved on to cats and vibrators.)

WBL_EDISCUSSION_EMPOWERWOMEN_1

Women still don’t have equal rights, and there is little hope of seeing an equal rights amendment any time soon.

As for me personally, I identify as male but I grew up in a female body.

This has forced me to see both sides of the issue in a great deal of detail. Most of my friends are men, and I form better relationships with men (women often seem to be competing with me over things I do not understand and it makes me uncomfortable.) However, there are some things that I cannot help but see as a woman because I have to pay the pink tax for my tampons.

I think a lot of queergender folks like myself- and a lot of transgender people- are seeing both sides of the “gender war” and realizing how silly it is. It’s like one of those episodes in a TV show where if everyone just talked to each other honestly, it could have all been solved in the first five minutes. However, because no one is being completely honest, things continue to get worse.

(I always hated those episodes of TV shows and found myself screaming at the TV “Just tell him/her the truth and get it over with!!)

images (2)

Fun fact: Cats are easier to clean up after and easier to cook for. Also, vibrators make women orgasm 100% of the time.

I would urge you all to do some soul-searching the figure out what you really want out of a relationship. And, if what you want is not an equal partner in all things, then maybe you need to adjust your expectations a little until they match up with reality. Right now, women are happier with a vibrator and a cat than they are with a man, according to science. I think that will continue until men step up and do their fair share.

And remember: True equality does not mean that each person gets exactly the same things. It’s harder to be a woman. The pay gap, the pink tax, periods, and childbirth make women carry a heavier burden than men. That’s not an opinion; it’s just an objective reality.

So men: “equal” means that you put in MORE than a woman for the same amount of the credit. You will have to step up and do more than half of the work when a woman is compromised by her biology, and it is fair and right that you do that. You are lucky enough to be free from many of the burdens that women carry, and you will need to recognize and respect that.

I know it’s a big shift in thinking, but it’s the only way that men and women are ever going to get back on the same page. Take it from a queergender person who really doesn’t feel like they have a dog in this fight. It’s just what the studies suggest and how culture is going. The saying is “some things never change,” but that simply isn’t  true. Given long enough, everything changes. And in this case, it should have changed a long time ago.

The part of me that is male is shamed by how long women have been oppressed and force into subservient roles, and I plan to fight for true equality because I genuinely believe that is is what we need to move forward.

790849522-vacuum-cleaner-equal-rights-housework-life-events

Because women carry a heavier burden due to periods and childbirth, equality would mean men shouldering more than 50% of the burden of household work to compensate.

Consensual Non-Monogamy in Media


I think Mayim Bailik is a perfectly fine actress and I hear she’s a passable scientist as well. That’s great. However, as a person, she has always rubbed me the wrong way. I don’t go out of my way to watch her talk. And yet, videos and stories about her come up from time to time on my social media. It’s always something horrible. She is constantly talking about ideals that went out in the 1950’s.

Example: During the #MeToo movement, she did a video that I saw reposted where she said that she had always dressed conservatively to avoid harassment. She went on to say that people weren’t nice to her because she dressed conservatively. Then, she said that obviously she was right all along because other girls trying to make it as actresses had been harassed. Her basic point? Dress like a whore and you deserve to get harassed.

It was slut-shaming, and it was disgusting. I was deeply sad that women with influence still say such shitty things.

So, when a video of her bashing my lifestyle came up in my feed the other day, I was pissed. It turns out it was an older video, but it still made me mad enough to post about. She went on and on about how unsettling she finds polyamory, and how we (poly folks) don’t have “real” relationships.

See for yourself exactly how shitty and clueless it was:

She literally tries to invalidate me and the way I live by saying that as a woman, I can’t possibly be in an open relationship without being wrong. Women, according to her, can’t possible care about anything but making babies. We need to “lean into our biology” by only having sex with men that we want to procreate with. I can’t tell you how offended I am that her narrow view of biology and relationships is being projected onto me. Plus, she acts like people in open relationships are the ones who are spreading STIs. That’s is the exact opposite of the truth.

Monogamous people are the ones who are constantly cheating by having one-night stands with strangers. If you don’t plan on an open relationship, then you cheat “by accident.” Statistically monogamy is an illusion. If you think your wife or husband doesn’t cheat on you, then statistically, you’re probably wrong. These one-night stands are how STIs are spread, because those people aren’t thinking at all about what they are doing. They are acting on instinct.

Meanwhile, people who are poly tend to be much more cautious about sex.

For example: the idea of a one-night stand with a stranger seems insane to me. I don’t need to get HIV or that flesh-eating STI going around in England. I don’t want to put my husband or any of my secondaries in danger! I have responsibilities, and I would never take that lightly.

So in the poly community, we talk about sex in mature ways and get tested before adding a new partner to our cluster. There are exceptions sometimes, but they are carefully considered exceptions, not one-night stands in a club bathroom.

Monogamous people cheat even when they are happy. And, because they are sneaking around, they are more likely to engage in irresponsible hookups that spread Sexually Transmitted Infections. The data is in: Monogamous people are spreading the STIs.

Anyway, later Maryim Bailik tried to fix her terrible video by posting this:

She does apologize for being a close-minded person. However, the way she does it is pretty rude. She says “It’s all so complicated” as if it’s too hard to understand us, so that it’s not worth it.

I get that she was doing her best to apologize for being ignorant, and I appreciate that she tried. However, she can’t really be that sorry about promoting her 1950’s values because she has always done it, and she still is.

At the end, she gets mad at us. She says we “make her feel boring” about being a person who chose to marry, be monogamous, and breed. It makes me really mad that anyone would expect me to be responsible for their choices! If she feels boring, then she should make different choices. However, she should not blame people who lead more interesting lives.

I guess I’m just tired of how we always get portrayed as immoral sluts who cannot feel love. And then, if we work hard to justify our lifestyle, then they still find a way to be down on us because we make them feel bad.

Dating Separately vs Dating Together

My husband and I live on an isolated island, so we don’t have much opportunity to date. We’re in the middle of nowhere and it’s a very small community. (Thankfully we move to Oahu at the end of this year and so this forced monogamy is almost over!)

However, when we have the chance to date (everywhere but here), we usually do it separately. He does his thing; I do my thing. And then we meet up and share thoughts and feelings together.

On rare occasions, we have been lucky enough to find someone who was interested in both of us. One of the amazing humans who we had played with when we lived in Korea came to see us recently, and we all spent a week together. And, I guess I am just thinking about how sometimes that can work out.

I mean, it’s harder.

If I date someone that my husband does not date, that is one relationship.

If he dates someone that I do not date, that is a second relationship.

And then, since we are seeing each other, that makes a total of three relationships.

However, when you have a triad, there is so much more going on. You have each individual relationship on it’s own (his with her, his with me, me with her, me with him, her with him, her with me.) But then, you also have the overall dynamic when you are together. It’s an added layer of complication that I don’t usually opt for. I mean, I like to keep things simple. Extra stuff tends to make things more complicated.

But, I just want to celebrate the fact that sometimes it works out. With this one amazing, special, beautiful unicorn, it has always worked out. It’s never awkward of weird; just happy.

Those moments when things really go well are so rare and so awesome that I am just glad, and I just wanted to give a shout out to all the people who like to date couples and who blend seamlessly into what is already going on. Thank you for existing.

Happy Pride

It’s Pride month, and I just want to wish you all a very happy Pride. That includes the people who are out, and the people who are in the closet, and everyone in between. That includes the gay people, the bi people, the pan-sexual people, and the asexual people. Whatever you are, it’s okay to be proud of yourself in spite of your lack of representation in culture and media. Everyone is valid. Everyone matters. And just because our stories aren’t being told; doesn’t mean we aren’t important.

I consider myself to be a boy in a girls body (so both genders,) as well as pan-sexual, poly-amorous, and kinky. There are no people like me in movies or on TV shows. There are no books with heroes or heroines that I can identify with. My orientation is always something I have to explain, because it’s not hetero so its “not normal.”

And you know what? I am still proud. I am a fabulous, adventurous, fun person and I have nothing to be ashamed of. That goes for all of you, as well. We are awesome, and we should have Pride!

Fight Back

slideshow_1066632_MIL_THE_1960S_9IB.JPG_397662

Yesterday I was shocked to find Jim Jeffries (a comedian I usually enjoy) talking about how internet porn is ruining America, and how we should all go back to the 1990’s when technology was “the best.” He went on to talk with his guest about how horrible the modern world is, and how his nightmare is his son having access to virtual reality porn. It wasn’t a gag or a joke, either. He was serious.

This is upsetting, because attitudes about sex were more liberal in the past. How can the very same people who were fucking like rabbits when they were young now be passing laws to take away sex education, abortion rights, and sex worker’s rights? They are also the ones passing laws against free love and kink.

The Cockettes at the Bush

I have a friend who grew up in the 60’s. She left home at 17 and hitchhiked around the country before settling down and working as a Dominatrix. Back then, attitudes were more liberal, and no one really shamed her for her actions.

Granted, the 60’s had its problems. Women and minorities had less rights than they do now. They were only allowed to work in certain jobs, and women weren’t even allowed to have credit cards. Plus, sexual assault was rampant and went unpunished far more often than it does now.

However, it baffles me that we -as a species- got that progressive about sex before suddenly turning around and become puritanical again.

global-cafe-1

If you stand back and look at it, it’s almost like they are punishing us. We are asking them to stop being racist and sexist and to act with more respect towards women and minorities. Their response is to think:

What did I really enjoy when I was a kid? Oh, free love. Let me make sure no young person ever gets to have the fun that I had.”

It may not actually be out of spite. I can’t think of another reason, but maybe there is one. Either way, it is unacceptable for people who started cults and nudist colonies and orgy parties to suddenly judge the younger generation because we like whips and chains. I beg you, kinky people, to fight for your rights! Call your congressional representatives and tell them that you disapprove of laws that take away our rights, and of FOSTA-SESTA, which will soon take away every online space that we have to meet.

download

Without safe spaces like Fetlife.com, we will have nowhere to meet up or make plans. And any time you drive something into the shadows, you invite crime and victimization of the people in that community. This is a dangerous time for us, and there is only one way to respond to danger:

Kick its fucking ass.

I know your average mundane person responds to danger with fear. It might even be your first instinct. However, we are better than that. We are the BDSM community, and we are not a bunch of cowards who can be pushed into the shadows and made to feel ashamed. I refuse to be intimidated by people who had massive orgies at Grateful Dead concerts. They are the last people who should be trying to stop others from having fun. We can’t let them!

I am not a Satanist (as it happens, I am a member of the Unitarian Church of Pasta) but I do like one thing that Anton LeVey wrtote in the Satanic Bible. If someone attacks you, do not turn the other cheek. Instead, smite them! Crush them beneath your boot for their arrogance and cruelty! When someone brings the fight to you, fight back!

So please, if you care about the kink community, write to your Congressional Representatives and fight for our rights!

naked

Persecution of Kink

download

I have been to several sex clubs and sex-related parties around the world. My favorites include Club Desire in Seoul, and The Velvet Rope in Portland. I have a lot of good memories there, and I hope to get to go back some day.

Most cities don’t grant zoning for a sex club. Portland happens to be one of the few places that does, and so The Velvet Rope is “legal.” Meanwhile Seoul does not grant zoning for a sex club, so Club Desire is “illegal.”

I don’t know why anyone thinks they should have a right to tell grown-ass consenting adults what to do in private clubs. For the life of me, I can’t figure out why it’s anyone’s fucking business.

sex-clubs-in-ohio-2

Yet, there is a worldwide crackdown going on, and it’s targeting open-minded people who like to have fun.

Recent reports came out about a club in Thailand where consenting adults (mostly married couples) attended an orgy were treated as though they were criminals. First off, if a hotel of all places can’t host an orgy then who the hell can?!? But more than that, how dare the news outlets write it up like the attendees were criminals? They broke no laws, and were released without charges. But of course they were, because having consensual sex is not illegal yet.

Just the next day reports came in about Fetlife parties being hosted at a private home in Colorado. All the windows were shut and shuttered and no one broke a single law, but the news still wrote it up as though people having consensual sex was a crime! The residents admit that no noise ordinances were being violated and there was literally no law at all being broken, but said they still planned to stop it.

hqdefault

All this comes in the wake of the US law FOSTA-SESTA being passed. This law claims to “stop sex trafficking.” However, what it really does is give the government a license to shut down any website where a person could meet a sex worker. Oh sure, it started with Backpage and the Craigslist Personals, but do you think they are going to stop there?

After all, I have had prostitutes solicit me on Tinder and OkCupid. I have my gender set to “male” on Facebook and I get sex workers trying to add me all the time on there. They claim to be “models” but then offer to meet up for money.

download (1)

Basically; our freedom to be kinky and have fun sex is being attacked from every angle. After all, you may be able to get a prostitute on OkCupid, but we don’t use it for that. We use it to meet other kinky people because they have questions that allow you to imply that you are into kink and get matches of other people who are as well.

Of course, I am saying that kink is in danger from all of this -and it is- but that’s not the only issue. I may selfishly be more worried about kink than other aspects of this law because it has a direct effect on me. However, this also really puts sex workers in danger, and I think that is something that everyone should be upset about.

There will always be people who sell their bodies. Coal miners, for example. They are going to die of black lung, but they choose money over their health and do a job that makes them sick. Workers in oil fields are the same, as are fire-fighters. If you put your life and health in danger for money, then you are selling your body.

sesta-death_400x400

Yet sex work is treated differently from these other types of selling your body. Why? It’s the same thing, except the health risks are not as bad. And like all other ways that you can sell your body, these people should be allowed to have unions, healthcare, and everything else any other job has. Instead, we are going the other way and taking away their rights and their safety.

Critics will say “This is about victims of sex trafficking” and then they will lie to you and quote over-inflates statistics for how many people are the victims of trafficking. Don’t get me wrong; sex trafficking does sometimes happen. It is a big deal and we should absolutely stop it. However, it’s far less common that conservatives would have you believe, and the only way to fight it is by legalizing sex work.

I am from Arizona. In Arizona you have to get a license to be an exotic dancer. This licensing requirement helps make sure that all the girls are of legal age, consenting to what they are doing, and not trafficking victims. It is a way to make sure that those girls are doing what they want to be doing. I think it costs $15, so it’s not hard to get. You fill out a couple forms and *BOOM* you’re legal.

images

If we did this same thing for prostitution, we could easily catch all trafficking victims and rescue them immediately.

Keeping things in the shadows makes it easy for abuse to happen. Bringing things into the light, on the other hand, helps protect people and stop abuse. There is no way around it; because this is backed up by data from the US and from many other countries. Legal and regulated sex work saves lives, and it stops human trafficking.

Meanwhile, “busting” sex clubs, orgies, and sexy parties just makes you a fascist dickbag. And taking down websites just because someone might meet a sex worker on one of them is insane. You could meet a sex worker on nearly any website on the internet. If you want to shut down all websites where someone can meet someone, all that will be left is places to buy things. It’ll be a digital storefront and nothing else. That is not the internet that anyone should want.

stop-sesta-og-2

Attraction is Complicated

images (6)

I often have people ask me what I find attractive. Actually, I should be more specific. I often have men ask me what I find attractive.

It’s not really something women ask me (because I think they understand that it’s complicated.)

I was thinking about this while I was swimming the other day, and I want to break it down in terms of science, and then relate it to me.

I know this isn’t exactly about kink, but everyone wonders about how attraction works, regardless of if they are kinky or not.

chalenge-a-woman-3

Men

To start, men are very simple.

They are attracted to the way that someone looks. This is because men are visual creatures, and the majority of their attraction is to appearance. Sometimes they try to consciously look for non-visual characteristics in a mate (Example: A man might look for a woman who does not have thousands in credit card debt or who does not have children.)

However, they all admit that if a very hot woman who didn’t fit their desired parameters at all was willing to have sex with them, they would do it in a heartbeat.

What this means is that for men, the sexual desire that they feel is based pretty much entirely on looks.

Interestingly, their conscious brains have very little to do with it. According to recent studies, men are doing calculations each time they look at a woman without even realizing it. Are her hips wide enough? Is her face symmetrical? Are her features balanced?

This makes sense, from the perspective of evolution. They are driven to mate with women who look like they have good genes. The only cues they have the ability to assess are the physical. So, they go off physical cues.

It’s very straight-forward.

men-attracted-to-her

Women

On the other hand, women are not instinctively looking for visual cues. We’ll talk about conscious preferences in a minute, but first we need to look at what happens in a women’s lizard brain (which is the loving nickname for the mid-brain; the most primitive part of us where instincts originate from.)

Women are not consciously aware that they can smell genetic compatibility. However, in studies involving white T-shirts worn by various men, women were able to pick the shirt worn by the most compatible mate more than 80% of the time. In other words: they could smell the best man to make babies with.

Note: They were not smelling the most genetically superior man. This is a popular misconception. It’s so much more interesting than that. Women in the studies were able to pick the man whose genes were most compatible with her own genes. This means that somewhere in a women’s lizard brain, she is aware of her own genes. She is able to determine through smell what genes a man has, and she is then able to calculate a mate who is compatible.

This calculation of genetic compatibility is complex, and something that computers and software were only recently able to do. Yet somehow (probably through smelling various protein markers) a woman’s mid-brain can do this calculation with startling accuracy.

Now, this does not mean that a woman does not also have physical preferences. For example, I love long hair on men. It’s devastatingly sexy. I like to play with it, run my fingers through it, and to feel it on my skin when I am having sex. I love everything about long hair. So that is an example of a physical preference.

If women only paid attention to these, all my partners would have had long hair, right? But they didn’t.

download (1)

Another thing to note is that women are more likely to take other factors into account, such as how successful a man is. In my case, I prefer for them to be less successful so they don’t get all fussy about trying to tell me what to do. I prefer for no one to have power over me, and I am notorious for bringing long-haired homeless boys home with me. However, many women prefer a man who is more successful because they want to breed, and they would feel safer making a human if they knew that human was likely to be cared for.

To sum up: Women are consciously considering cues like how a man looks and how successful he is. This does not happen on an instinctual level like it does for a man, meaning that on these things, you can probably change her mind. If you are charming enough or emotionally compatible enough, she will probably be willing to consider you even if you are not “her type.”

However, there is an added dimension which has only recently been explained by science. For thousands of years we as a species have baffled over the cases where a woman runs off with a man who is objectively not attractive, and who has no money or position in life. By the same token, we as a species have been puzzled by the women who sees a man with all the things she states as desires, (such as money and beauty and kindness;) but she simply can’t make herself love him.

We finally understand that in these cases, it is a matter of genetic compatibility.

It turns out that sometimes a woman runs across a man who has a very high degree of genetic compatibility, and she cannot resist him. He may be the opposite of everything she dreamed of and in no position to support children, but she will be drawn to have sex with him because his genes compliment hers perfectly.

Twice in my life I have felt this animal attraction for someone where I felt unwilling to fight it.

images (7)

Story Time

To give you an idea of how intense attraction can be: I was working at a job I loved. I was in a relationship with someone I cared about. My friend and I were running a local music magazine and it was going really well. Everything in my life was just about prefect.

One night, I went to Goth Night at a local club. I was there to sell tickets for an upcoming show. As I was walking around talking to people, a sweaty young man walked up to the bar passing within less than in inch of me.

I found myself turning around and finding an excuse to talk to him. He asked me to dance. Now, I don’t dance. It’s not my thing, and I am not very good at it. And yet, I found myself out on the dance floor, grinding against a boy who had short hair, a sort of a goofy face, and a Texas accent that made him sound like a complete idiot. There was nothing at all about him that was “my type,” and yet I was drawn to him like a pregnant woman to a pickle.

Within a week of meeting this dumb, uninteresting Texan, I was begging my friend if we could borrow her bathroom to have sex. Within a month of meeting him, I ran away with the Renaissance Festival.

The sex wasn’t even good.

At the time, I really couldn’t explain myself. I told myself that I must have been bored with my life. I must have been unhappy, right? It’s so hard to explain your behavior when you really don’t have any idea why you did something. People are programmed to make up a narrative to explain the world to themselves, and I did try. But all the narratives about being bored or unhappy felt hollow, because I had actually had a pretty great life.

Of course, now I know better. I know that me and that dumbass Texan just happened to have genes that fit unusually well together. I couldn’t smell it consciously, but my lizard brain knew all along.

Typically this sort of thing only happens once in a lifetime. After all, most of the time we are all well-showered and wearing scents that cover up our natural smells. In addition, most people don’t go around rubbing up against others all the time. In fact, your average person keeps a reasonable distance from others most of the time.

The thing is; I was a promoter. I spent a lot of time in mosh pits, and clubs, and in close quarters. Therefore, I definitely increased my odds of being able to smell genetic compatibility because of my lifestyle.

Hot-Girl-Ugly-Husband-e1326174732623

However, the second time wasn’t because of that.

My boyfriend was this glamorous Goth boy with beautiful long hair and cherry red lips. He was so pale that he looked dead every time he fell asleep. He was good in bed, had a nice size penis, and made me laugh. I really liked him.

One night he was busy, and he asked his friend to give me a ride home from the bar. This was my boyfriend’s best friend, so I had been around him plenty of times before. However, he was usually fastidious about cleaning himself and wearing cologne. It just so happened that this night, he had been asleep and sweating before my boyfriend woke him up to go get me.

As soon as I got in the car, I was overtaken with a desire to kiss him. He knew it too. I could see it on his face. He looks surprised and pleased. It made me so mad.

I should note that my boyfriend was the hot one, and his friend was the dud. He was prematurely bald, chubby, and had a face with unbalances features. He was not attractive. In fact, I had always felt sort of sorry for him because he was so ugly, and standing next to my boyfriend made him look even worse. And yet that one night, I looked at his crooked teeth and his oddly placed eyes, and I wanted to kiss him.

Of course, I learned my lesson about fucking up my life, and I didn’t do anything.

In fact, I went home and had fabulous sex with my boyfriend and forgot all about it.

Ten years later, I ran into the friend again. I had long since left the pretty Goth boy, and even moved to another city. However, I was back visiting some friends and I ran into Goth boy’s best friend.

His looks had not improved. He never got braces, and his teeth had become more snarled and unappealing. His hairline had receded even further, and the odd shape of his head made his forehead seem huge like the aliens from 1950’s cartoons. He had developed a sort of lisp (I supposed because of his teeth?) and he made an annoying smacking noise when he talked. He was chubby and the overall shape of his body was somewhat like an old armchair that is left on the curb on trash day.

However, I felt this animal attraction (which I was crazy ashamed of.)

Since there was no reason outside of his general grossness to avoid sleeping with him, I did. It was extremely satisfying, although the sex was only mediocre. I ended up sleeping with him for a few months before moving overseas to teach. I even let him come visit me in my little apartment overseas, where we spent a week having lots of sex.

I am not proud of it. I tend to leave the pictures of him out of any photo albums. It’s not something I want to brag about. But, it totally happened.

Now you may say:

I don’t understand. He had bad genes. He lost his hair and his teeth were gross and he was fat and squishy.”

And that is the thing that makes genetics so complicated. Let’s say I have the gene for breast cancer, the gene for bad eyesight, and the gene for diabetes. This is just an example and it’s more complicated than this, but let’s just say that I had those bad genes. Now, Ashton might have had different bad genes, right? Baldness and bad teeth and all that. But, he didn’t have the gene for breast cancer or the gene for diabetes. That means that we were compatible, because our genes could combine to make a human with none of the bad qualities that we both possess.

Remember, evolution is not smart. In many cases the choice of what genes become part of the offspring is a crap shoot. It was also possible that we could have made a kid with all of our negative traits and none of the good ones.

However, when a woman smells genetic compatibility, she is smelling the fact that a man has the good genes that she lacks, and she wants to mate with him in order to give her offspring the chance to inherit the good genes. After all, if she picks a mate that has the gene for breast cancer and she also has it, then there is a 100% chance that the offspring will. So, giving them some chance is better than none.

It is also worth noting that the genes I found distasteful about Ash were all physical. He was physically unappealing. However, he was healthy. My conscious mind may care more about looks, but my lizard brain does not. It cares about health.

ugly-girl

Conclusion

So now that you know the mechanisms at work when a man finds something attractive, and the mechanisms at work when a woman finds someone attractive; would you say that women can answer the question of “What are you attracted to?”

It is my opinion that we can’t.

The follow up from men is always “Well what are you into?”

The answer to that is hilarious, if I am perfectly honest:

I am into anything that someone that I am attracted to wants to do.

No, really.

I couldn’t stand Ash, and I hate feet, but I still let him lick my feet. He wanted to, and I was desperately attracted to him. A horny woman will agree to pretty much anything, in my experience. I am actually somewhat disgusted about it now, but at the time I really couldn’t help myself. In fact, I agreed to do tons of things that had been hard limits for me in the past. I didn’t seem to be able to say no.

Of course, I don’t think all women are as bad as me. Most women seem to live a bit more in their heads, if you know what I mean. But I have always been a creature of instinct. I don’t know why I am so in touch with my primal desires, but I am.