Happy Pride

It’s Pride month, and I just want to wish you all a very happy Pride. That includes the people who are out, and the people who are in the closet, and everyone in between. That includes the gay people, the bi people, the pan-sexual people, and the asexual people. Whatever you are, it’s okay to be proud of yourself in spite of your lack of representation in culture and media. Everyone is valid. Everyone matters. And just because our stories aren’t being told; doesn’t mean we aren’t important.

I consider myself to be a boy in a girls body (so both genders,) as well as pan-sexual, poly-amorous, and kinky. There are no people like me in movies or on TV shows. There are no books with heroes or heroines that I can identify with. My orientation is always something I have to explain, because it’s not hetero so its “not normal.”

And you know what? I am still proud. I am a fabulous, adventurous, fun person and I have nothing to be ashamed of. That goes for all of you, as well. We are awesome, and we should have Pride!

Fight Back

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Yesterday I was shocked to find Jim Jeffries (a comedian I usually enjoy) talking about how internet porn is ruining America, and how we should all go back to the 1990’s when technology was “the best.” He went on to talk with his guest about how horrible the modern world is, and how his nightmare is his son having access to virtual reality porn. It wasn’t a gag or a joke, either. He was serious.

This is upsetting, because attitudes about sex were more liberal in the past. How can the very same people who were fucking like rabbits when they were young now be passing laws to take away sex education, abortion rights, and sex worker’s rights? They are also the ones passing laws against free love and kink.

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I have a friend who grew up in the 60’s. She left home at 17 and hitchhiked around the country before settling down and working as a Dominatrix. Back then, attitudes were more liberal, and no one really shamed her for her actions.

Granted, the 60’s had its problems. Women and minorities had less rights than they do now. They were only allowed to work in certain jobs, and women weren’t even allowed to have credit cards. Plus, sexual assault was rampant and went unpunished far more often than it does now.

However, it baffles me that we -as a species- got that progressive about sex before suddenly turning around and become puritanical again.

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If you stand back and look at it, it’s almost like they are punishing us. We are asking them to stop being racist and sexist and to act with more respect towards women and minorities. Their response is to think:

What did I really enjoy when I was a kid? Oh, free love. Let me make sure no young person ever gets to have the fun that I had.”

It may not actually be out of spite. I can’t think of another reason, but maybe there is one. Either way, it is unacceptable for people who started cults and nudist colonies and orgy parties to suddenly judge the younger generation because we like whips and chains. I beg you, kinky people, to fight for your rights! Call your congressional representatives and tell them that you disapprove of laws that take away our rights, and of FOSTA-SESTA, which will soon take away every online space that we have to meet.

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Without safe spaces like Fetlife.com, we will have nowhere to meet up or make plans. And any time you drive something into the shadows, you invite crime and victimization of the people in that community. This is a dangerous time for us, and there is only one way to respond to danger:

Kick its fucking ass.

I know your average mundane person responds to danger with fear. It might even be your first instinct. However, we are better than that. We are the BDSM community, and we are not a bunch of cowards who can be pushed into the shadows and made to feel ashamed. I refuse to be intimidated by people who had massive orgies at Grateful Dead concerts. They are the last people who should be trying to stop others from having fun. We can’t let them!

I am not a Satanist (as it happens, I am a member of the Unitarian Church of Pasta) but I do like one thing that Anton LeVey wrtote in the Satanic Bible. If someone attacks you, do not turn the other cheek. Instead, smite them! Crush them beneath your boot for their arrogance and cruelty! When someone brings the fight to you, fight back!

So please, if you care about the kink community, write to your Congressional Representatives and fight for our rights!

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Persecution of Kink

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I have been to several sex clubs and sex-related parties around the world. My favorites include Club Desire in Seoul, and The Velvet Rope in Portland. I have a lot of good memories there, and I hope to get to go back some day.

Most cities don’t grant zoning for a sex club. Portland happens to be one of the few places that does, and so The Velvet Rope is “legal.” Meanwhile Seoul does not grant zoning for a sex club, so Club Desire is “illegal.”

I don’t know why anyone thinks they should have a right to tell grown-ass consenting adults what to do in private clubs. For the life of me, I can’t figure out why it’s anyone’s fucking business.

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Yet, there is a worldwide crackdown going on, and it’s targeting open-minded people who like to have fun.

Recent reports came out about a club in Thailand where consenting adults (mostly married couples) attended an orgy were treated as though they were criminals. First off, if a hotel of all places can’t host an orgy then who the hell can?!? But more than that, how dare the news outlets write it up like the attendees were criminals? They broke no laws, and were released without charges. But of course they were, because having consensual sex is not illegal yet.

Just the next day reports came in about Fetlife parties being hosted at a private home in Colorado. All the windows were shut and shuttered and no one broke a single law, but the news still wrote it up as though people having consensual sex was a crime! The residents admit that no noise ordinances were being violated and there was literally no law at all being broken, but said they still planned to stop it.

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All this comes in the wake of the US law FOSTA-SESTA being passed. This law claims to “stop sex trafficking.” However, what it really does is give the government a license to shut down any website where a person could meet a sex worker. Oh sure, it started with Backpage and the Craigslist Personals, but do you think they are going to stop there?

After all, I have had prostitutes solicit me on Tinder and OkCupid. I have my gender set to “male” on Facebook and I get sex workers trying to add me all the time on there. They claim to be “models” but then offer to meet up for money.

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Basically; our freedom to be kinky and have fun sex is being attacked from every angle. After all, you may be able to get a prostitute on OkCupid, but we don’t use it for that. We use it to meet other kinky people because they have questions that allow you to imply that you are into kink and get matches of other people who are as well.

Of course, I am saying that kink is in danger from all of this -and it is- but that’s not the only issue. I may selfishly be more worried about kink than other aspects of this law because it has a direct effect on me. However, this also really puts sex workers in danger, and I think that is something that everyone should be upset about.

There will always be people who sell their bodies. Coal miners, for example. They are going to die of black lung, but they choose money over their health and do a job that makes them sick. Workers in oil fields are the same, as are fire-fighters. If you put your life and health in danger for money, then you are selling your body.

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Yet sex work is treated differently from these other types of selling your body. Why? It’s the same thing, except the health risks are not as bad. And like all other ways that you can sell your body, these people should be allowed to have unions, healthcare, and everything else any other job has. Instead, we are going the other way and taking away their rights and their safety.

Critics will say “This is about victims of sex trafficking” and then they will lie to you and quote over-inflates statistics for how many people are the victims of trafficking. Don’t get me wrong; sex trafficking does sometimes happen. It is a big deal and we should absolutely stop it. However, it’s far less common that conservatives would have you believe, and the only way to fight it is by legalizing sex work.

I am from Arizona. In Arizona you have to get a license to be an exotic dancer. This licensing requirement helps make sure that all the girls are of legal age, consenting to what they are doing, and not trafficking victims. It is a way to make sure that those girls are doing what they want to be doing. I think it costs $15, so it’s not hard to get. You fill out a couple forms and *BOOM* you’re legal.

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If we did this same thing for prostitution, we could easily catch all trafficking victims and rescue them immediately.

Keeping things in the shadows makes it easy for abuse to happen. Bringing things into the light, on the other hand, helps protect people and stop abuse. There is no way around it; because this is backed up by data from the US and from many other countries. Legal and regulated sex work saves lives, and it stops human trafficking.

Meanwhile, “busting” sex clubs, orgies, and sexy parties just makes you a fascist dickbag. And taking down websites just because someone might meet a sex worker on one of them is insane. You could meet a sex worker on nearly any website on the internet. If you want to shut down all websites where someone can meet someone, all that will be left is places to buy things. It’ll be a digital storefront and nothing else. That is not the internet that anyone should want.

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Attraction is Complicated

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I often have people ask me what I find attractive. Actually, I should be more specific. I often have men ask me what I find attractive.

It’s not really something women ask me (because I think they understand that it’s complicated.)

I was thinking about this while I was swimming the other day, and I want to break it down in terms of science, and then relate it to me.

I know this isn’t exactly about kink, but everyone wonders about how attraction works, regardless of if they are kinky or not.

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Men

To start, men are very simple.

They are attracted to the way that someone looks. This is because men are visual creatures, and the majority of their attraction is to appearance. Sometimes they try to consciously look for non-visual characteristics in a mate (Example: A man might look for a woman who does not have thousands in credit card debt or who does not have children.)

However, they all admit that if a very hot woman who didn’t fit their desired parameters at all was willing to have sex with them, they would do it in a heartbeat.

What this means is that for men, the sexual desire that they feel is based pretty much entirely on looks.

Interestingly, their conscious brains have very little to do with it. According to recent studies, men are doing calculations each time they look at a woman without even realizing it. Are her hips wide enough? Is her face symmetrical? Are her features balanced?

This makes sense, from the perspective of evolution. They are driven to mate with women who look like they have good genes. The only cues they have the ability to assess are the physical. So, they go off physical cues.

It’s very straight-forward.

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Women

On the other hand, women are not instinctively looking for visual cues. We’ll talk about conscious preferences in a minute, but first we need to look at what happens in a women’s lizard brain (which is the loving nickname for the mid-brain; the most primitive part of us where instincts originate from.)

Women are not consciously aware that they can smell genetic compatibility. However, in studies involving white T-shirts worn by various men, women were able to pick the shirt worn by the most compatible mate more than 80% of the time. In other words: they could smell the best man to make babies with.

Note: They were not smelling the most genetically superior man. This is a popular misconception. It’s so much more interesting than that. Women in the studies were able to pick the man whose genes were most compatible with her own genes. This means that somewhere in a women’s lizard brain, she is aware of her own genes. She is able to determine through smell what genes a man has, and she is then able to calculate a mate who is compatible.

This calculation of genetic compatibility is complex, and something that computers and software were only recently able to do. Yet somehow (probably through smelling various protein markers) a woman’s mid-brain can do this calculation with startling accuracy.

Now, this does not mean that a woman does not also have physical preferences. For example, I love long hair on men. It’s devastatingly sexy. I like to play with it, run my fingers through it, and to feel it on my skin when I am having sex. I love everything about long hair. So that is an example of a physical preference.

If women only paid attention to these, all my partners would have had long hair, right? But they didn’t.

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Another thing to note is that women are more likely to take other factors into account, such as how successful a man is. In my case, I prefer for them to be less successful so they don’t get all fussy about trying to tell me what to do. I prefer for no one to have power over me, and I am notorious for bringing long-haired homeless boys home with me. However, many women prefer a man who is more successful because they want to breed, and they would feel safer making a human if they knew that human was likely to be cared for.

To sum up: Women are consciously considering cues like how a man looks and how successful he is. This does not happen on an instinctual level like it does for a man, meaning that on these things, you can probably change her mind. If you are charming enough or emotionally compatible enough, she will probably be willing to consider you even if you are not “her type.”

However, there is an added dimension which has only recently been explained by science. For thousands of years we as a species have baffled over the cases where a woman runs off with a man who is objectively not attractive, and who has no money or position in life. By the same token, we as a species have been puzzled by the women who sees a man with all the things she states as desires, (such as money and beauty and kindness;) but she simply can’t make herself love him.

We finally understand that in these cases, it is a matter of genetic compatibility.

It turns out that sometimes a woman runs across a man who has a very high degree of genetic compatibility, and she cannot resist him. He may be the opposite of everything she dreamed of and in no position to support children, but she will be drawn to have sex with him because his genes compliment hers perfectly.

Twice in my life I have felt this animal attraction for someone where I felt unwilling to fight it.

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Story Time

To give you an idea of how intense attraction can be: I was working at a job I loved. I was in a relationship with someone I cared about. My friend and I were running a local music magazine and it was going really well. Everything in my life was just about prefect.

One night, I went to Goth Night at a local club. I was there to sell tickets for an upcoming show. As I was walking around talking to people, a sweaty young man walked up to the bar passing within less than in inch of me.

I found myself turning around and finding an excuse to talk to him. He asked me to dance. Now, I don’t dance. It’s not my thing, and I am not very good at it. And yet, I found myself out on the dance floor, grinding against a boy who had short hair, a sort of a goofy face, and a Texas accent that made him sound like a complete idiot. There was nothing at all about him that was “my type,” and yet I was drawn to him like a pregnant woman to a pickle.

Within a week of meeting this dumb, uninteresting Texan, I was begging my friend if we could borrow her bathroom to have sex. Within a month of meeting him, I ran away with the Renaissance Festival.

The sex wasn’t even good.

At the time, I really couldn’t explain myself. I told myself that I must have been bored with my life. I must have been unhappy, right? It’s so hard to explain your behavior when you really don’t have any idea why you did something. People are programmed to make up a narrative to explain the world to themselves, and I did try. But all the narratives about being bored or unhappy felt hollow, because I had actually had a pretty great life.

Of course, now I know better. I know that me and that dumbass Texan just happened to have genes that fit unusually well together. I couldn’t smell it consciously, but my lizard brain knew all along.

Typically this sort of thing only happens once in a lifetime. After all, most of the time we are all well-showered and wearing scents that cover up our natural smells. In addition, most people don’t go around rubbing up against others all the time. In fact, your average person keeps a reasonable distance from others most of the time.

The thing is; I was a promoter. I spent a lot of time in mosh pits, and clubs, and in close quarters. Therefore, I definitely increased my odds of being able to smell genetic compatibility because of my lifestyle.

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However, the second time wasn’t because of that.

My boyfriend was this glamorous Goth boy with beautiful long hair and cherry red lips. He was so pale that he looked dead every time he fell asleep. He was good in bed, had a nice size penis, and made me laugh. I really liked him.

One night he was busy, and he asked his friend to give me a ride home from the bar. This was my boyfriend’s best friend, so I had been around him plenty of times before. However, he was usually fastidious about cleaning himself and wearing cologne. It just so happened that this night, he had been asleep and sweating before my boyfriend woke him up to go get me.

As soon as I got in the car, I was overtaken with a desire to kiss him. He knew it too. I could see it on his face. He looks surprised and pleased. It made me so mad.

I should note that my boyfriend was the hot one, and his friend was the dud. He was prematurely bald, chubby, and had a face with unbalances features. He was not attractive. In fact, I had always felt sort of sorry for him because he was so ugly, and standing next to my boyfriend made him look even worse. And yet that one night, I looked at his crooked teeth and his oddly placed eyes, and I wanted to kiss him.

Of course, I learned my lesson about fucking up my life, and I didn’t do anything.

In fact, I went home and had fabulous sex with my boyfriend and forgot all about it.

Ten years later, I ran into the friend again. I had long since left the pretty Goth boy, and even moved to another city. However, I was back visiting some friends and I ran into Goth boy’s best friend.

His looks had not improved. He never got braces, and his teeth had become more snarled and unappealing. His hairline had receded even further, and the odd shape of his head made his forehead seem huge like the aliens from 1950’s cartoons. He had developed a sort of lisp (I supposed because of his teeth?) and he made an annoying smacking noise when he talked. He was chubby and the overall shape of his body was somewhat like an old armchair that is left on the curb on trash day.

However, I felt this animal attraction (which I was crazy ashamed of.)

Since there was no reason outside of his general grossness to avoid sleeping with him, I did. It was extremely satisfying, although the sex was only mediocre. I ended up sleeping with him for a few months before moving overseas to teach. I even let him come visit me in my little apartment overseas, where we spent a week having lots of sex.

I am not proud of it. I tend to leave the pictures of him out of any photo albums. It’s not something I want to brag about. But, it totally happened.

Now you may say:

I don’t understand. He had bad genes. He lost his hair and his teeth were gross and he was fat and squishy.”

And that is the thing that makes genetics so complicated. Let’s say I have the gene for breast cancer, the gene for bad eyesight, and the gene for diabetes. This is just an example and it’s more complicated than this, but let’s just say that I had those bad genes. Now, Ashton might have had different bad genes, right? Baldness and bad teeth and all that. But, he didn’t have the gene for breast cancer or the gene for diabetes. That means that we were compatible, because our genes could combine to make a human with none of the bad qualities that we both possess.

Remember, evolution is not smart. In many cases the choice of what genes become part of the offspring is a crap shoot. It was also possible that we could have made a kid with all of our negative traits and none of the good ones.

However, when a woman smells genetic compatibility, she is smelling the fact that a man has the good genes that she lacks, and she wants to mate with him in order to give her offspring the chance to inherit the good genes. After all, if she picks a mate that has the gene for breast cancer and she also has it, then there is a 100% chance that the offspring will. So, giving them some chance is better than none.

It is also worth noting that the genes I found distasteful about Ash were all physical. He was physically unappealing. However, he was healthy. My conscious mind may care more about looks, but my lizard brain does not. It cares about health.

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Conclusion

So now that you know the mechanisms at work when a man finds something attractive, and the mechanisms at work when a woman finds someone attractive; would you say that women can answer the question of “What are you attracted to?”

It is my opinion that we can’t.

The follow up from men is always “Well what are you into?”

The answer to that is hilarious, if I am perfectly honest:

I am into anything that someone that I am attracted to wants to do.

No, really.

I couldn’t stand Ash, and I hate feet, but I still let him lick my feet. He wanted to, and I was desperately attracted to him. A horny woman will agree to pretty much anything, in my experience. I am actually somewhat disgusted about it now, but at the time I really couldn’t help myself. In fact, I agreed to do tons of things that had been hard limits for me in the past. I didn’t seem to be able to say no.

Of course, I don’t think all women are as bad as me. Most women seem to live a bit more in their heads, if you know what I mean. But I have always been a creature of instinct. I don’t know why I am so in touch with my primal desires, but I am.

Varying Stages of Attachment

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Note: Someone told me recently that being kinky and being poly are not orientations. In this post, I want to describe how my brain works as a poly person, and why it is fundamentally different than that of a monogamous person. It is absolutely my orientation, and I can’t understand or accept the way monogamous people see relationships.

First you should know that I move around a lot.

This did not start because my husband is in the military. In fact, that actually causes me to stay places longer, since we have to stay until he completes a set of orders.

Long before my husband was a part of my life, I moved a lot.

It started because I was poor and lived in a neighborhood that was in the process of being gentrified. I would sign a six month or one year lease, and then at the end of the lease, the apartment complex would try to double the rent and I would have to move.

After awhile, I just got used to moving a lot. I ended up really liking it, since it is a chance to go through all the things you own and figure out what really matters to you. Do you actually need to keep that receipt from that one date? How much do you really care about that book you read that was only so-so?

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However, the older I got, the farther the moves got. I actually even traveled from state-to-state with the Renaissance Festival for awhile.

This kind of lifestyle means that you will leave people behind. I know that in the movies and on TV, you would never leave someone if you really loved them. But in real life, it’s pretty normal to choose travel and adventure over a person. In particular, it is pretty normal if the relationship is less about love and more about sex.

Don’t get me wrong- I am not some heartless bitch. I have at least a fondness for everyone I sleep with for any respectable length of time. I mean obviously you don’t always get names at an orgy, but other than that, I get names and remember birthdays and cultivate an emotional attachment to some degree.

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And yet, an emotional attachment does not mean that I will stay with that person no matter what. In fact, the one time I chose a person over an experience, I really grew to regret my choice and resent the person I made it for. I had been offered the opportunity to study abroad in Costa Rica for a semester via a scholarship my Spanish teacher put me up for. I said no because the person I was with at the time would have failed out of college without me to wake him up and kick his ass to class. It was a huge mistake, and I wish I would have spent that semester in Costa Rica.

So that being said: What happens to a relationship or attachment when you leave the place where the other person is?

It turns out that most people consider the relationship to be over at that point. I find that extremely sad. Maybe it is because I am poly, but when someone matters to me, they just keep on mattering to me no matter where they are or where I am.

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Example: There is this guy who wouldn’t like me using his name, so let’s call him Chris (just swapping one common name for another.) I met Chris in South Korea when I was a teacher and he was a medic in the air force. We had sex and talked and stuff, and then he got deployed to Afghanistan.

He did two tours in Afghanistan, which was hard for him.

Then, he was shipped to a base in Tucson Arizona when his enlistment was up. I came to see him while he was out-processing from the air force, at his tiny little house with no air conditioning.

Later, he came to see me at a fetish club in Phoenix.

We met up for sex, but also for company.

When someone travels similar paths, you share a bond. We had lived some of the same places, for one. And for another thing, I had seen a lot of violence and death in my teens. We had common ideas because we had common experiences.

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When he got out, he moved to Kansas and I moved to Oregon. Both of us had families to go spend time with after our time abroad.

However, we still talked on the phone and kept in touch.

Later, I moved to Guam. He is still in Kansas. And yet, we still keep in touch.

The other day, I sent him a picture of me in the bath to try to cheer him up on Valentine’s Day, and promised that he was always welcome to visit my bed whether it was here in Guam, or in Hawaii when we move there.

And I meant it.

See, my thinking is this: If you had sex with someone and it didn’t suck, why wouldn’t you do it again? And if someone moves away but you still like them, then why wouldn’t you still talk?

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This has gotten me into trouble here and there. Sometimes a guy will stay “in a relationship” with me, but start dating a monogamous girl. Then I will turn up to visit and we will have sex (because he does not tell me about the monogamous girl,) and then she ends up getting hurt.

Now first, that is on the guy for not telling me that he started a new (and monogamous) relationship.

But second, why does it have to be this way? What is actually so bad about borrowing someone when you are in town?

I mean, if I had known about the girl, I would have asked her permission (obviously) but it just seems to me that people you have had sex with are part of ongoing relationships until someone says stop.

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Example: There was a guy that I dated on and off for fifteen years. We were never soul mates or anything, but he was pretty and I liked to have sex with him. I also liked to just sit and talk with him and stare into his eyes, because he always looked so loving and devoted.

However, a few years ago he started seeing a girl who convinced him that I was “taking advantage of him” by not wanting to marry and be committed, but still wanting to hang out and have sex sometimes.

As a result, he made a huge show of saying “We are breaking up and I never want to see you again.”

This hurt my feelings. I don’t like breakups. Wandering away from someone but still keeping the connection open is fine. I like to explore and try new things, so I am always moving forward. But just because I am wandering, doesn’t mean I sever ties with everywhere I have ever been.

He broke up with me.

So I did the rational thing: I decided that he was dead to me, and I moved on with my life.

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Several times since that day, he has written me e-mails and Facebook messages and whatnot trying to reconnect with me. He keeps saying that he misses me and that we were good together.

But for me, the relationship is over.

It ended when he hurt me and I stopped seeing him as an ongoing relationship and started seeing him as an ex. It cannot be restarted again, because in my mind, a relationship is over once it ends. It is a final thing. I have to set a boundary (which I have few of) and tell myself “this is really over.” After that, I cannot change what has passed because boundaries stay in place or else nothing makes sense.

Besides, there was no reason to say that he never wanted to talk to me or see me again. He could have just said: “I want to go for this monogamous girl, so we need to keep this friends-only for a little bit to see how things go.” I would have been fine with that because we were living in different states at the time (although he was only in Washington state and I was in Oregon, so it was a short drive.)

Anyway, the point is: There could have been the lesser boundary placed of “no sex right now but still friends,” or even “Let’s take a break for a few months or a year.” But that was not what happened. Instead he placed the boundary of: “I never want to see you again.” And I respect boundaries. Forever.

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My point is this: How you view relationships is probably different from me.

Monogamous people tend to do this really uncomfortable thing where they feel that they own a person. They do not want to share that person with anyone, and they expect that person to terminate all other relationships as a condition of “being in a relationship.”

This is idiotic.

Think of it this way: I have always been a guy, but I live in a girl’s body. I decided to just accept this, and so I am (as the Native Americans would say) “of two spirits.” It’s fine, but it means that I really need my guy friends to go drinking and blow off steam with. I need time to get my male energy out, particularly if I happen to be dating men at the moment.

Two of my oldest friends are male. One is a few years younger, and one is a few years older. I have never had sex with either of them because they are my designated male friends. But in order to keep them as friends when dating, I have always had to call them my younger brother and my older brother. This is because both men and woman that I have dated have found our relationship to be “too close.”

 

As an introvert, I happen to feel that I value relationships more, since I have to stretch so far to make them. But more than that, being close to another human in a non-sexual sibling kind of way should not be considered unnatural.

Yet monogamy dominates society and so we are all expected to whip ourselves into a frenzy of jealousy for every little thing.

I adopted a kid as well. He was homeless and his mom was in jail. I grew up homeless, so I had a desire to help him based on personal experience. However, everyone I dated saw him as an “unrelated male” and I have been accused of sleeping with him since he was thirteen (who fucks a thirteen year old anyway?!?)

Jealousy is seen as some sort of value in “normal” world, and so the fact that I would run my fingers through his hair when he had a nightmare was seen as “wrong.” But he had been literally tortured as a child by a meth-crazy mother, and he had awful nightmares about days of being duct taped and locked in a closet without food, water, or anywhere to relieve himself. What kind of care-taker doesn’t show sympathy and compassion for a torture victim? And after I had similar experiences when I was on the streets!

I think you can see that jealously is often beyond the rational. It can be so unbelievably uncalled for at times that I have been utterly incredulous with people. Their heartless expectation that all relationships outside a romantic one should be cold and without touch is unreasonable. I think any sane person should be able to see that.

In the same way, I do not think it is reasonable to expect people to just stop communicating with a person that they wandered away from. If I made a connection with someone, sexual or otherwise, and then wandered out of their country and into another, this does not stop them from being part of my life.

To me, relationships are threads in the fabric of my universe, and they should run continuously in an unbroken cloth from the point of entrance in my life until my death. I hate to cut a thread out of the tapestry of my life, and a person must do something pretty bad to get me to do so.

Plus, I think relationships can (and should) evolve over time. Sometimes it is harder than others. For example, I have this ex who I just really like having sex with. I don’t know why. We just had awesome chemistry, and he intuitively understood what my body wanted. It was awesome.

He has decided that we should no longer have sex (no reason given.) I respect that, but it doesn’t mean that I want to lose the relationship. After all, he carries some of my memories, and therefore a part of who I am. So he is still a Facebook friend, on my Christmas card list, and someone I visit when I am in the same country/state. But the relationship has evolved from sexual to friendship.

Another example is literally laying in my bed right now. She is my ex girlfriend, and she is visiting with her husband. Her husband is not the sort to be interested in sex with me or my husband, so even though we used to date her, she is now off-limits.

That doesn’t mean I want to stop talking to her! She is this amazing and talented person who I admire. Now, does she still make me turn into a complete idiot around her because she is so beautiful and refined? Yes. Totally. But pretty girls have always done that to me, whether I was sleeping with them or not.

My point is, both of these people are part of my tapestry, and I value them as people. They are not just pieces of meat to me. And so, I prefer to keep them woven into my life in whatever way is appropriate at the time.

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Anyway, this is how a polyamorous person views relationships. They are ongoing. They may go in and out of being sexual, but they continue.

It is worth noting that some relationships never really get started, and those don’t count.

I have a habit of meeting people and having sex with them pretty soon after, because I want to see their soul and decide if I like them. Sometimes I decide I don’t like them. Those are the ones who don’t get a call back. One guy just stuck me as a shit person. Another was angry and became violent when I asked to change the nature of our relationship because the sex had lost my interest. A girl I used to date started cutting herself and saying she was a sinner for being a lesbian, and I quietly backed away from that because gods are not my thing.  So, I do end relationships with people that I don’t really like.

However, for the people who are good people, I see no reason to ever stop being attached to them.

This brings me to the final thought on the matter. People ask me how many people I am dating, and I am never sure how to answer this. To me, dating means:

Staying in touch with the person, have had sex with them, and would have sex with them again if the opportunity presented itself.

I feel that this is “dating” because it is closeness with the potential for sex. And, by that definition, I would say that I am casually dating W, Z, other Z, M, J, and R. So, seven people. And yet, I am only in one in-person relationship at the moment because I am stuck on Guam.

I guess you could say it is shades of dating.

Currently I am engaged in threes shades of dating, but there are others:

1. Level One: Dating in-person, with all the in-person obligations. (R)

2. Dating, the exchanging of gifts on holidays and birthdays, and sex when in person. (M,J,W)

3. Dating and keeping in touch, with sex when in person. (Z,Z)

Is that too complicated? Maybe for you. But, it is how the world exists for me. I did try to be normal when I was young. I tried to end old romantic relationships with people when I started a new romantic relationship, as the monogamous folks tell you that you must do. But when even that wasn’t enough and people were accusing me of sleeping with my brothers and my kid, that was it for me. Monogamous people are insane.

 

Sexist Bullshit

I was trying to write a post about something to do with my husband and I as a poly couple, so I looked for a picture to illustrate the idea. I Googled “polyamory,” and was really unhappy with what came up.

Nearly every image that appeared on my search was of a guy with two women!

Even the images that were not people somehow implied that polyamory means two woman and one man.

Google is portraying polyamory (loving several people of any gender) as synonymous with the type of polygamy (the term used for the men who marry several women) in Mormon and other cults.

This makes me angry because it is some sexist bullshit.

 

I disagree with Polygamy as it is practiced in cults like the FLDS, because I used to volunteer at a shelter for homeless teens. Over the years we got several young boys who had been run off the Mormon compound in Colorado City. They nearly all killed themselves because of the horror of being rejected by their cult, and because they were taught that they would be nothing in the after life unless they had several wives.

Why were these boys run off? Well obviously, that would be so fat old men could marry the girls their age.

Gross.

Polygamy is always bad for boys from families without power, and bad for women overall. I base this on reading Under the Banner of Heaven and Escape in part. But I also base it on statistics and personal experiences. I have a lot of data that I have collected over the course of my life, and a lot of it relates to how Polygamy is the main cause of abuse and child abandonment everywhere it is practiced.

So to see my relationship orientation of Polyamory portrayed as a man with multiple women and nothing else in Google makes me sick. I actually felt physically ill scrolling through the pictures.

Not only did the search results conflate Polyamory with Polygamy as if they are the same, but I had another issue as well.

As a woman, I felt underrepresented.

Where are the pictures of women like me with our many boyfriends at our feet? Why was there no woman at the center of a bunch of men? Where were the pictures that accurately depicted my life?

Feeling angry, I did a Google search specifically for polyamory MMF (male-male-female) couples. Only then did I see a few images of a woman with two men.

I was disappointed that there were no women with a harem, but at least Google thinks a woman can date two men. (Although the default is a man with two women.)

And yet there was something even worse:

It was literally all pictures of three people. Just three. So apparently that’s all you get! My husband can date or I can date, but we cannot both date different people. And that cuts to the heart of it:

Polyamory is more than two.

I have boyfriends and girlfriends. My husband has boyfriends and girlfriends. Those people also date other people. So it is a lot more than two people involved.

Another important point:

Polyamory is not about orgies. I am sick to death of my husband and I saying we are poly, and guys turning to him and saying “You must get so much ass.” First, he really doesn’t because he is kind of a disaster of a person a lot of the time.

Second, it is not my job to “share” the people I date with him. I do not look for people to convince to join us. I look for people who want to date me by myself. So there are nearly no orgies and there are not even a lot of threesomes.

We date other people. But, the important point is: We do it separately.

See, it’s not about orgies or threesomes. It’s about how we love the feeling of falling in love. We love getting to know people in that way that you can only do in bed. We love variety, and we love learning new things about the world from new people.

For example: I have a thing for scientists and engineers. I love laying in bed and talking about experimental particle physics or aerospace engineering with the guy next to me. I love hearing about the latest in gene research from the girl in my bed. I love getting to hear their innermost thoughts on how our species is progressing.

And the thing I love the most about my husband is that he understands me, and he respects that I like to go off on tangents and explore things.

In fact, he likes that I come back with cool stories and facts. He enjoys my adventures from the perspective of a friend sharing exploits, and as a husband who likes to know that other men and women find his wife desirable.

From my perspective, I like him dating because he gets to be around girly girls who like makeup and hair. I will never be one of those girls, but I know he loves all of that. Plus I know he likes to be dominant in bed sometimes, and that is just not our dynamic. So, I like that he can have that with other people. And like him, I like knowing that the person I am mated to is desirable to others.

In other words: Polyamory is more than two people. That doesn’t mean three. It means more than two. (Sometimes lots more than two.)

And, in spite of the sexist bullshit, it can be just as rewarding for a woman as it can be for a man. I believe very strongly that this is my orientation, and that I have always felt differently about relationships than monogamous people. I don’t feel at a disadvantage as a poly woman. I don’t think the Google search results reflect my experience at all. And, I hope other women won’t be discouraged by the fact that cultural feelings about polyamory are widely sexist.

Views on us might be sexist, but we are not.

Note: And for the record, both my husband and I are feminists.

Munches and Thoughts

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I have had some time now to rest and relax, and to reflect on my trip.

I had to cram a lot of things into far too small an amount of time, so I was only able to make it to two kink events.

Sydney Board Game Munch

I want to say that the Sydney Board Game Munch was fabulous, and it really helped me get an idea of what the scene there is like. Plus, I played two new games; Joking Hazard and Ticket to Ride. Both were a lot of fun! It’s wonderful to be around kinky geeks because we all have so many little quirks in common, and I feel so much less strange around other people who are kinky and geeky.

Sydney Monthly Munch

Second, the Sydney monthly munch was nice, and I wish I could have stayed longer. It was really delightful to be around kinky people again, and to be able to talk about kinky things. I played a game of BDSM Jenga, which I hadn’t done since Korea. That was a lot of fun. And, I talked up my books and passed out business cards.

All The Gratitude 

I had spoken to a guy named Kinky Panda online before I came, and it was wonderful to meet him and to hear his thoughts on kink, Australia, and everything else. Plus, he introduced me around a little to other people, so I didn’t feel like a stranger in a room of cliques I wasn’t part of.

By the way, that is something that I think a lot of people overlook- making a connection before you go somewhere.

It’s important because kinky folks are often secretive. This is justified, because being “outed” can ruin someone’s life. Therefore, being mindful of that is important when traveling. Join some groups and chat with some people before you go to a new spot. Ask to be introduced around at events. It really helps.

I was glad that I had put in the effort, and that I had lucked out and met a really cool person who knew everyone. So if you are reading this, thank you Kinky Panda. You are the bomb!

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The Bad News

However, it was not all sunshine and roses.

Being around a community again also reminded me of some of the bullshit that you have to deal with. I guess I had completely forgotten that stuff. It’s amazing how isolation makes things fade away from the forefront of your mind.

Yet, you have to remember that I did spend twenty years in the community before I came to Guam. And, it turns our that memory floods back quite quickly with the right trigger.

My time with the Sydney kink community inspired me to want to tell you a few things that I think need to be said more often. But, don’t take this as a reflection on Australia! This stuff applies to every community I have been in, in South Korea, France, the USA, etc…

Again, I want to emphasize that I loved the Sydney community and I loved Australia. BUT I also remembered some old gripes that my subconscious has had a lot of time to turn over and think about since I have been forced to live in solitude the last four years.

So, here goes:

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1. Do not criticize events unless you are planning to pay for, create, and promote your own. This awful woman at the board game munch went on and on about how she was tired of seeing rigging work at kink parties. After awhile, I really wanted to scream in her face for being such a whiny downer when she has never planned a single party.

I have planned parties with burlesque dancers and had people complain that they wanted rigging. I have planned parties with rigging and had people complain that they wanted bands. I have planned parties with bands and had people complain that they wanted parties with scenes. And, I have planned parties with scenes only to have people bitch that there were no dancers.

Look: unless you have something constructive to say (Example: I like burlesque dancers, but I think instead of a stage with entertainment I would prefer a vendor area) then keep your mouth shut. And you know what? Even if you have something constructive to say: Say it nicely. We promoters work hard for you!

Planning events is a thankless job. I never made much money at it (and what I did I always put straight back into the scene.) I just did it because I wanted to be able to go to good parties, and there weren’t already good parties going on. So, I made some. And I really don’t think that people who just show up to things and whine add anything to the world. I think they are just soul-sucking harpies without an ounce of happiness inside them.

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2. Do not make generalizations because it makes you sound like an asshole. The same loud (and quite rude) woman who was whining about events basically said that all riggers are rapists. She went on and on about it.

When I said that I had never raped anyone and I didn’t think it was a fair thing to say, she simply carried on with her stream of vitriol towards anyone who does rope work (now I am often too lazy to bother with rope, but I do know how to do rope work and I do think it is a beautiful art form.)

The thing about people who want to attack an entire section of the community and slander them with lies is that their words do not reflect on the people they are talking about. Nothing that Angry Girl said about riggers in any way affected my opinion of the rope community in Sydney. What it did affect was my opinion of the girl saying the nasty things. I found her to be bitter and mean. Her words made her look horrible, and thereby improved my opinion of riggers in Sydney considerably. I now think that they must be fabulous people, because a really terrible woman doesn’t like them.

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3. And finally: Kink is an orientation. Those of us who are kinky were born this way, and it is not something that we can change. To say that we don’t have to be this way is to not really understanding what kink is. If you think that kink is not an orientation, then you don’t belong among us.

It is just like those men who say that doing certain things will “turn you gay.” You know what I mean. All those pastors who claim that men listening to Taylor Swift or watching Frozen will turn them gay. Those men only think that because they are already gay, and they are lashing out at the things that make them feel like having sex with men (which is most things since they are already gay.)

If you think kink is not an orientation, that is only because it is not your orientation. Maybe you think you are into kink because you like shemales or furries. But if you don’t understand that kink is an orientation, then you are not really one of us. You have just someone who has a fetish.

Because, if you were kinky, you would know that it is how we are. I feel it in my bones. It is as much a part of who I am as my sexual orientation, and I couldn’t change it if I wanted to.

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In conclusion:

I really did have a good time in Sydney, and I am glad that I went to some munches while I was there. However, it did remind me that some people in the community just suck. It’s a shame, but it is how it is. They make drama, criticize instead of create, and generally ruin everything that others work hard to build. And the worst part is that they think their shitty attitudes are good for the community because they think everyone needs to hear what they have to say in order for things to get better.

This is a lie.

Things in a community get better when people STOP bitching and moaning, and start doing actual things.

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You are either the person who says that riggers are rapists and that they are the worst people in the community, or you are the person that learns Shibari and puts on beautiful displays for your fellow kinksters.

You are either the person who whines that events are not good enough and that you don’t like the entertainment, or you are the person that plans events and does the best you can to make them awesome.

You are either the person who creates drama and is mean to new people, or you are the person who keeps a blog and helps new kinksters to learn about BDSM.

Don’t be the shitty person. If your life sucks and you are miserable and bitter, fine. But keep that toxic shit to yourself. When you whine and bitch, it doesn’t say anything about the people and things you complain about; it says something about you. No one likes the person who complains all the time. No one wants to be around that person, and no one values that person’s opinion.

I would urge all of you to be the change that you want to see in the world. That is how we have a good community.

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