I live in a female body, and I date mostly men. This used to be pretty easy, because men used to be mostly nice. I didn’t have a lot of trouble finding someone to spend time with.
However, things have become miserable in the dating world, and I want other people who live in female bodies to know that they are not alone in feeling frustrated. Therefore, I have decided to write out my reasons for not really being as into dating as I used to be.
First, Reddit ruined a lot of things because men got together and invented stuff like “stealthing” and “ghosting” on there.
Stealthing: The rape of a woman by getting her to consent to sex with a condom, and then removing the condom without her permission. The stated intention here is to “get the bitch pregnant” because men think it is funny. They get to trap women into bearing their offspring, which they wrote about as “totally hilarious” on the threads where this concept was created.
Ghosting: After (or before if you prefer) you get that woman pregnant without her consent, you will “ghost” her. This means that you will completely vanish. You’ll block her on social media, move if she knew where you lived, and just make sure that she is surprised by your total abandonment. Points if you find a way to get her reaction and upload it, because “it’s fun to laugh at those dumb cunts for having feelings.” The threads of this toxic stuff were unbearable to read.
(Note: I know women adopted the practice of “ghosting” after men invented it. To be fair, it makes more sense for women since men handle rejection poorly and are known to kill women who try to leave them.)
Before you ask, yes, I am aware that 4Chan is where all this anti-woman stuff started. I get that. But you have to understand, 4Chan was only ever a few weirdos. It didn’t have the audience of a movie theater, let alone the millions of people across the globe who spent time on Reddit in its heyday. Every major celebrity did an AMA on Reddit a decade ago, and it was referenced constantly in the media. 4Chan (or 8Chan now) wishes they could get that kind of attention!
You had this huge platform that was used by nearly everyone, and it was filled to the brim with toxic anti-woman rhetoric. I mean, it still is. It just doesn’t matter now because everyone forgot about Reddit and it became deeply irrelevant. However, when it was popular, it spawned a hate movement against women that has endured.
Next, idiots like Jordan Peterson came along to explain why women being inferior is “just science.” This spawned the incel movement.
Basically, a bunch of guys (many of which even look kind of normal on the outside) turned out to have really horrendous personalities. Like, offensively bad. And instead of telling them to grow up and stop being awful, the incel movement told them that it was the women’s fault that they couldn’t have sex. See women (how dare they) prefer men who treat them with respect. The incel movement contends that they do not deserve respect because women are objects, and that women have no right to prefer more attractive men over bald assholes who are unemployed and have no interesting hobbies. The very idea of women being allowed to have a preference in who they sleep with is attacked by incels, and Jordan Peterson went so far as to suggest that women should simply be assigned to the men who “deserve them” (see his vomit on “enforced monogamy.”)
Then, we got the most toxic evolution yet: Men’s Rights Activists (hereafter refereed to as MRAs.)
The name is a misnomer. They absolutely do not help set up shelters for abused men. They absolutely do not reach out to men who have been raped and find them support groups. They don’t help fathers in custody battles or fight against mandatory registration in the selective service. MRAs do nothing at all for men.
The real reason they exist is to try to gaslight women. Their entire goal is to build nonsensical arguments in which they attempt to paint women as the villains of every story. The narrative is that women only care about men’s earning power and are always trying to steal men’s money and their sperm.
(So, basically they’re trying to paint all women as the female characters in Jane Austin’s satirical work “Pride and Prejudice.” Women did used to have to find a husband when it was illegal for them to have jobs, and MRAs like to pretend that women are still motivated by the same things as they were in 1750.)
It is the most toxic garbage that culture has ever produced, and if we had any sense, we’d be locking these people up before they go on shootings sprees.
Obviously we need to take a break and talk reality because we can’t let too many paragraphs of shit pile up in a row:
1. Feminism has worked hard to fight for equal pay. We don’t have it yet, but we’re getting closer. We want to work, and we want to have access to the same pay and opportunities that men do.
2. Feminism has worked hard for equal opportunities. Once upon a time we could only be teachers or nurses, if we could have a job at all. Now, we can do almost any job. Someday we hope all jobs will be open to us!
3. Women are having less children than ever before, and the rate of women under 25 who are finding ways to get sterilized is skyrockting. Many women have rejected both marriage and children as traps that keep them from being able to work and live independently.
4. Women are not trying to take things from men. They are trying to get rights for themselves so that they can live independently with the same quality of life as men. Remember: Rights are not a pie. If we get some, it doesn’t mean men lose some.
The point is: Over time, a very toxic culture has evolved in which women are treated extremely badly and given no rights at all.
Rapists serve little to no jail time, but women who lie about being raped tend to spend decades in prison. Ergo, a man’s reputation in the community is considered to have much more value than a women’s right to not have her body violated.
Men’s healthcare isn’t regulated at all, and insurance covers things like Viagra and prostate exams as if it was nothing. Meanwhile men are trying to stop women from having access to any reproductive healthcare at all, from birth control to Plan B to a pap smear every 2 years (as is recommended to screen for cancer.) Ergo, a man’s right to healthcare is more important than a woman’s, even though women bear more responsibilities health-wise (since we literally make all the humans.)
Women are expected to work full-time, but they are also expected to do the bulk of the housework and childcare. If a child is ill, society expects the women to take the day off work, not the man. Ergo, a man’s career and free time are placed above a woman’s.
The entire world is designed for men, from cabinet height to safety features in vehicles. It’s literally dangerous to just exist in the world as a women, because safety standards for drugs, planes, and everything else are all developed with men in mind. Ergo, men’s safety and health is placed above women’s in all aspects of societal design.
Even when men are at a disadvantage, for example because of suicide or homelessness, it is because of other men.
The patriarchy is what teaches men that they cannot talk about their feelings or ask for help. Men throw the suicide rates in women’s faces and say “We’re the real victims because we kill ourselves!” Yet feminists have been begging men for ages to let go of toxic masculinity and admit to being human for the sake of their own mental health. Ergo, even when men create a problem and perpetuate a problem, they still blame it on women and use it as a way to attack women (though women are obviously not to blame for them killing themselves.)
Even as women face discrimination in all these ways and many more, MRAs will gaslight and lie and do everything they can to pretend that women have the advantage. Why? Because all they really care about is that women have the right to say “no.”
This makes them furious.
The truth is, MRAs are deeply inferior to real, worthwhile men. So, when a woman has a right to say no, they don’t get picked. This is the root of their anger and why they suck so much. Even the ones who have a girlfriend or wife are furious because they think she is inferior to what they deserve. I knew a (fairly ugly) white guy who married a (well-suited) white girl. After a few years, he became an MRA because deep down, he believed that Asian women were better than white women, and he believed that he deserved an Asian woman.
This is not a small movement. One of my ex-boyfriend’s (awkward and bad at dating) has become a Men’s Rights Activist. He’s 100% brainwashed by the rhetoric and believes the ridiculous lie that “women have it better.” As we sob over America becoming Gilead and losing all our rights, this asshole is convinced that we have it better than him!
Why? Because women can say no.
This is where we reach the true heart of the matter.
See, women are more likely to be fine with a bottle of wine, a cat, and a vibrator. From a young age, they’ve been forced to hide their emotions, even as chunks of discarded uterine lining leak out of them while they work or attend school or live their lives. Women are tough as fuck. And if women want to have kids, they can just go to a sperm bank. Plus women are more open about being sexually fluid and more likely to cuddle with or have sex with their friends. At the very least, they’ll talk to their friends about personal stuff. Women don’t actually need men, because they have themselves and each other.
On the other hand, the patriarch tells men that they can’t have friends. If they talk about anything other than sports and grilling, then they’re gay (which the patriarchy says is bad!) A man on his own has no outlet for his emotions, and no one to care about him. Men force this on themselves, but then they blame women for it. They feel that because the patriarchy tells them that they can’t have friends, that means that they are owed a wife to care about them.
This is the worst bit: MRAs are so convinced that every one of them is owed a woman who will make them the center of their universe and do everything for them. (Read: A slave.)
With all this toxic bullshit going on, I’m just tired.
I get at least one obnoxious message per week in my fetlife inbox. Some lowlife is always saying “You should suck my cock.” Um… no. I don’t want your dick pics and I’m not interested in your bullshit. I’m a person, and I deserve to be treated as such. Period.
So when people ask me why I’m not dating, this is a big part of it. Sure, there’s the health problems. And there’s the fact that I’m already maintaining several relationships. I’m busy, and dating takes time. But it’s more than that. It’s that when I do date, it’s a bunch of seriously gross dudes out there acting like assholes. And then I went on a date with a woman, and she was like “Being trans is a mental illness and abortion should be illegal,” and my metaphorical dick crawled up inside me and was like “Nnnnooooooo!!!”
What I need is to meet some people who actually think women deserve rights (which we do) and who know that being transgender is an aspect of biology (which it is.) I need to find a few decent human beings to be friends with who can restore my faith in humanity. If I can do that, then maybe I’ll think about giving dating another try.
Right now though, if my husband died, I would probably just get an iguana to cuddle (I’m allergic to fur) and call it good. I’d get arthritis in my hands from masturbating, but se la vie. It’s better than dealing with incels and MRAs.
One final note: The toxic men who are discussed in this article are the same toxic men who pretend that feminism is evil. They say that feminist “hate men.”
My husband is a feminist. He genuinely believes that women deserve equal rights, and he genuinely feels that they should be treated with dignity and respect. I have several male friends who also identify as feminists, because they know that it’s needed.
Women got the right to vote in 1920, less than 100 years ago. It was feminists who fought for this.
Women got the right to have bank accounts and lines of credit such as mortgages in 1974. Again, it was feminists who fought for this.
Women eventually got the right to have nearly all jobs, from fire fighter to Navy Seal, and this was through the tireless work of feminists.
Feminism has always been about gaining equality, and it still is. We still need to have paid family leave. We need laws that prevent women from being refused promotions due to having children. We need laws that actually punish men for rape. We need privacy in healthcare just like men have. We need to be allowed to carry weapons and use them to self-defense (which -right now- gets women thrown in prison for life.) We need to be taken seriously when we say that we are being stalked and harassed. We need doctors to take us seriously when we are in pain. Plus, you know, about a million other things that we still need to fight for. (I’m tired just thinking about it.)
However, all the goals of feminism are to get women (including minority women) the rights they deserve. Feminists do not “hate” men, nor do they want men to have less. They just want equality, and they have been fighting for it since society began.
And, we will prevail.