First Dates

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Even vanilla people hate first dates. Half the guys are creepers. Half the women are Republican. There’s not much chance for a good match.

When you add kink on top, it gets worse. You probably have specific things that you are hoping to find, such as someone who isn’t afraid of anal play or who won’t judge you for using gear ties instead of ropes. They probably also have specific desires as well, and those desires likely don’t line up with yours.

The more complicated you like your sex, the harder it is to find someone that you are compatible with. That’s why dating in the kink community is so much more difficult than dating in the vanilla world.

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Actually, I don’t even like to call the first meeting offline a “date” because I think that puts too much pressure on it. It’s always annoyed me when people refer to a first meeting as a “date,” as if trying to overlay some societal expectation onto my behavior. I’m just trying to figure out if you’re cool since you wrote to me on the internet. Let’s not call it a date unless we already know each other from somewhere and we already like each other.

“Dates” are for people who have a mutual attraction. One does not get that from text online. One gets that from being around someone in person. There’s no substitute.

Anyway, as an example of first date hell: I recently went out with a girl. She contacted me, and I figured it was worth a few hours of my time to meet her (even though I have been feeling like shit lately) because anytime a semi-normal person talks to you on Fetlife it feels like you ought to at least meet them. She picked the place, which was an IHOP by the airport. However, I endeavored to keep an open mind.

 

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As far as kink goes, we were a match. She’s a submissive of the sort I would want. She’d be willing to play with my Pet as well. She’s fine with swapping STD tests. She even likes D&D (which I feel shows an aptitude for Role Play.) In terms of just the potential for kinky sex, we were a match (which is so rare!)

And yet, somehow someone who seemed completely perfect on paper turned out to be a chore to be around in person. She kept throwing out completely false facts like:

We only know about 5% of what is in the ocean so there are animals we don’t know about in there that could just come eat you.” (That’s not true- we know about a lot more than 5% of the animals in the ocean, and you will not get eaten by a mysterious and unidentified animal if you snorkel.)

And:

Less than 1% of abortions are because the baby is deformed or because the mom is at risk.” (Again, not true at all. Most abortions are done because there is a risk to the mother or a problem with the baby. It’s not a choice people make lightly. But of course, Republicans have made sure that you can’t demonstrate this because in the 90’s they made it illegal to collect data. I rely on data from other countries because that’s all you can get anymore.)

 

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You might ask yourself: “Couldn’t you just gag her while you fuck her and not spend any time with her outside of sex?

Yes, I think some people could make that work. I wish I was one of them. But the thing is, I can’t get horny for someone who grosses me out as a person. She’s anti-choice! How could I get into that? How could anyone? My sex drive went in reverse listening to her talk about her kids (one of which she doesn’t like and all of which have different dads.) Then there was her Fox News talking points about how healthcare in Canada is “basically murder.” Everything she said was gross and untrue, and I kinda felt like I needed to take a shower after talking to her.

After the underwhelming meal, she followed me to my car (though I tried to say goodbye in front of the restaurant.) That’s when it got bad. She made fun of my Jeep.

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It’s a 2004 because I wanted something older. Newer cars are impossible to work on yourself since everything is computerized, and who wants to spend money on mechanics? Plus I don’t feel comfortable driving nice cars because then if a shopping cart rolls into them in the parking lot, I have to get upset about a scratch. Also, I park it at a lot of beaches and hiking trails in sketchy areas, and no one is going to break into an old Jeep because they assume there is nothing to steal (and they’re right- I don’t keep valuables in my car.)

She also made fun of it for being dirty, which is so dumb. Why wash a Jeep? It’s just going to go off road tomorrow and get dirty again. What? Am I supposed to care what people I don’t know might think if my car is dirty? Fuck them. Fuck anyone who wants to have an opinion about the mud on my tires or the dirt on my windows. As long as I have good visibility and it’s safe to drive, the mud stays.

It’s more than the specifics, though. It’s the general issue with people like that. They live their lives trying to impress others. That sounds exhausting, pointless, and like a complete waste of a life. You couldn’t pay me to care what a stranger thinks about me! And to be so shallow that you need to make yourself feel valuable by having nicer things than others? Yuck!

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My value comes from within. I’ve seen and done amazing things. I’ve traveled the world. I’ve meditated with monks in three different countries. I struggled with issues stemming from childhood abuse, battled my demons, and won. I did event planning and threw fetish proms and made amazing memories for myself and for others. I’m proud of who I am, what I have done, and how I see the world.

Could I drive a nice car if I wanted to? Yup. Could I wear brand name clothes if I wanted to? Yup. I could have amazing things and I could polish them daily in hopes that others would validate me by congratulating me on my shinny possessions. I could waste my entire life on vapid, stupid pursuits.

But, I won’t.

I’m going to do the bare minimum required to survive so that I have time for FUN. I want to climb every mountain, snorkel every reef, and have all the sex. I want to spend my time doing things I love, and spend my money on amazing experiences. For example: That girl spent about $400 a month on a car payment. I spent $400 during my entire week of backpacking around Chang Mai. There is no way I would rather have a fancy car for one month than those memories.

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This is why dating in the kink world is harder. It’s also why I hate calling it a “first date” when I meet a new person. There’s just too much going on.

Kink Concerns: Are we compatible in terms of BDSM? Will this person fit into my poly lifestyle in a way that all partners will be comfortable with? Are they attractive enough and interesting enough for me to want to play with them? Are they concerned enough with safety?

Vanilla Concerns: Can I stand to be around this person? Do they say things so heinous that I want to punch them? Are they a racist piece of shit or a Trump supporter? Are they a feminist or are they an idiot?

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I feel like I need to be compatible with people on a kink level and on a vanilla level in order to enjoy playing scenes with them. After all, if someone is shallow and vapid, then they need WAY more aftercare and time spent validating them because they are empty inside. I don’t want to spend all my time on that. And I just can’t get horny for someone who throws out fake statistics to defend draconian beliefs, either.

I’ve been very lucky to have found a lot of compatible people in my life. And when I like someone, I’ll keep them around forever. Example: I have a boy who I like as a human (he’s nice, we have similar values, and he’s into D&D.) The sex wasn’t always great, but there were some really hot moments that I still fantasize about. I’ll probably talk to him as long as he wants to talk to me. I’ll also harbor hopes that we can recreate some of those really good moments. Plus, I’ve grown to consider him a good friend.

I think that’s the best way to be kinky and poly. Find the people you are compatible with, and just keep them around for the rest of your life. It might not work for everyone, but it works for me. Anything to avoid dating, right?

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TNG Munches

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There’s been a lot of controversy around TNG munches, which are munches for people who are 18 to 35 and no one else. I hadn’t written about this topic (in spite being asked to) when I was under 35. It felt like I couldn’t really understand both sides of the issue, and all I knew was that it was nice to not have creepy old guys trying to grab my butt.

I’m over 35 now, and have been for a couple years. This means I’ve had some time (being excluded) to think about it. And you know what? I’m still okay with it.

The thing about society at large is that there’s entirely too many old white guys hitting on 18-year-olds because they are too weak to handle a woman their own age (or, a woman old enough to know her own mind.)

I was one of the girls who understood this weakness even when I was 18. I was never naive enough to think “I’m just more interesting than a girl their age.” I always knew it was predatory and creepy when guys in their 50’s and 60’s leaned in close and tried to touch me even though they were older than my dad.

I still think that is creepy now that I am almost 40. If that’s your kink then good for you, but I think it’s super uncomfortable and I have never wanted a man my father’s age or older to hit on me. Ever.

I sometimes feel like Russell Brand, who famously said: “When I was poor they told me that I couldn’t talk about income inequality because I was just jealous. Now that I am rich, they tell me I can’t talk about it because I have money. I’m starting to think that they just don’t want anyone to talk about income inequality.”

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When I was young I didn’t want to write about it because even offering my opinion at a munch, I was told to shut up because I didn’t know what it felt like to be excluded. I would argue that as a woman, I’ve always been excluded from hundreds of opportunities that were available to men, so I have always known what exclusion felt like. But I didn’t specifically know what age discrimination felt like, so people shouted me down.

Now that I’ve been over 35 for a couple years, I have had plenty of time to see TNG munches posted and know that I can’t go. I’ve had plenty of time to think about it. And, I’m still glad that they exist. I’m still glad that the young women of our community have somewhere safe to go where predatory old men can’t grab at them.

To be perfectly clear: Yes, I know that some old men have caught up with the times. There are some who are respectful and who are not pushy and rapey. But, that’s the exception rather than the rule in my experience.  And you really can’t tell me otherwise, because I was a very attractive young girl in the kink community from when I was 16 onward, so I have had decades of experience with creepy old guys hitting on me. I can count the old men on my fingers who have shown me the respect I deserved and given me the space that I wanted.

Now that some of my friend’s daughters have found their way into the kink community, they assure me that nothing has changed, and unwanted attention and touching is the rule, rather than the exception,

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Also to be clear: Yes, I know old men will say it’s generational. They will say that in their time, woman didn’t mind a pat on the bottom or a guy stealing a feel during a hug. However, that’s simply not true. Women always minded those things, but many never felt safe enough to say so until recently. It was actually never okay, and it’s not okay now.

By the way, I don’t think “It was okay in my day” is ever an acceptable excuse. You need to keep up with the times, or stay home and hide in shame. Going out and trying to behave in ways that have long since been changed (with good reason) isn’t cool, and it’s the reason that TNG munches were created in the first place.

I think the people who complain about TNG munches are what I always suspected when I was young: The worst sort of people. Look, just leave the damn kids alone. You dated young people when you were young. Let them enjoy dating young people while they are young.

And if your thing is going for people younger than your kids, at least have the class to find the ones who are into that by reading their profiles, and confine your efforts to those specific women.

One Last Thing: Older men assume that they can just be a “sugar daddy” and young women will date them even though they are grossed out. Once again, you have to look for that on a girl’s profile. I won’t be coerced into dating someone older than my father for any amount of money. I won’t do it for a free house, a car, and a million dollars. I never would have, even when I was 18 and starving to death. We’re allowed to have standards and we’re allowed to say no.

No one has to share your kink just because you want them to.

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I Don’t Owe You An Explanation

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Being kinky, we’re often part of a group that is looked down on or considered to be “freaks.” I am actually part of a few more protected classes than that. I’m queergender, bisexual, and female.

The hardest one of those is presenting as female, because I have faced a lot of discrimination over it. In particular, people in my higher math classes in college literally ignored me even when I knew they could hear me because they didn’t think a woman had a right to speak.

I may be queergender, but I live in a female body. That means the burden of birth control and the entire reproduction of the species is something I have to carry. Men grope and mock me all the time. I’ve had to fight very hard to be taken seriously in spaces where men just walked in and were treated well because they presented as men. It sucks being in a female body.

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In spite of all the discrimination I have faced in my life and that all women face, there will always be some asshole trying to shout us down and tell us that we have it easy because men like our tits.

I had a friend named (Insert Generic White Male Name Here.) This friend was a decent guy when I knew him in Korea, but unfortunately, he’s gotten mixed up in the MRA movement since then;- really toxic Jordan Peterson kind of stuff.

This manifested in him coming to my pages on social media and attacking me; though I never went to his pages on social media to attack him. It was violent and shitty, but I still tried to have a conversation with him because he used to be a friend. I sent him Christmas cards and shit. We used to be close. But anytime I would try to talk to him about something, he would do two things:

1. Refuse to educate himself and instead demand that I provide a long list of sources that HE approved of, as well as an in-depth explanation of those sources so he didn’t have to read them.

2. Take a bunch of deeply misunderstood principles from Philosophy and tell me that I had to follow them when I explained things to him exactly as he constructed, or nothing I said would matter.

This is abuse.

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I think it’s important to break down why this is abuse, and why it is unacceptable.

Now first off: As a woman, I don’t owe you sources or an explanation when I say things are not equal between the sexes. I’m relating a FACT, and it is up to you to educate yourself if you disagree, because statistics are on my side.

You can post on your own page about how men are the real victims all you want, and you can cry your sad little heart out. However, if you come to MY page and demand that I explain MY oppression, then you are automatically wrong.

You don’t get to make demands that someone teach you about the objective reality of the world in their own space.

Second, oppressed people already have to deal with being oppressed. That’s quite enough torture for us to put up with without you harassing us. And if you actually care, then you can go read the writings of oppressed people who talk about what it is like (women, transgender people, minorities, etc have all written books about it.) There are facts all over the library, and you can go find them. No one owes you an explanation. It is your responsibility to educate yourself.

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Third, no one has to conform to your format.

I said: “We used to be good friends, and it disappoints me that you would attack me like this. It hurts my feelings.”

His response? “Now you’re just trying to use emotional manipulation which is not a valid argument tactic so YOU’RE WRONG!!!!!!”

But, I wasn’t wrong.

In fact, I was totally on-point.

When someone you used to care about turns into a piece of shit, it does hurt. It hurts a lot. And saying that is valid.

The point is: I don’t have to talk to you in the way that you want to be talked to. Don’t be a fucking snowflake. You need to learn to handle your shit like a big boy and hear what people are saying. That’s what grown-ups do. You don’t scream like a little bitch: “You’re not saying things I want you to say, waaaaaa!”

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If you listen, you might learn something. If you cry and plug your ears, you won’t learn anything at all.

Those of us who are queergender, bisexual, and presenting female face all kinds of discrimination on a daily basis. We’re not too weak to hear the facts, because we get shit on every day by straight white cisgender men. You build up a thick skin when all your get all the time is discrimination and attacks. Then some white man comes along with skin so thin that a light breeze could tear it and demands that everyone stop what they are doing and spoon-feed him an explanation in exactly the way he wants.

Are you fucking kidding me? Are you?!?

I have always put in more effort than others. I’m the one who remembers birthdays and who sends Holiday cards. I’m the one who reaches out first, and the one who sends the first e-mail. I’m a nice person and I do my best to make people in my life feel valued.

But I draw the line at these incels who get into MRA bullshit and become the fragilest of fragile and expect to be coddled.

Look: We’re kinky. There’s not a lot of us and they are taking down our websites and trying to stop us from being able to engage with each other. We have a responsibility to each other and to our community to listen to each other and to educate ourselves. We have a responsibility to stick together.

So don’t be a piece of shit like (Insert Generic White Male Name Here.) Don’t turn on your fellow kinksters and become a whiny piece of shit too fragile to handle the fact that some people have more difficult experiences than you, and they don’t owe you an explanation.

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I Don’t Feel Like Prancing

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I have moved to a new place, and I should be out getting to know people. However, I’ve been battling some pretty serious health issues lately, and I just haven’t had the energy. (I’m really old.)

Being laid up gives you time to scroll. I do spend time reading and doing things that are better for me, but I spend more time than I should scrolling. It makes me think about how saddened I am by the BDSM community (and the world at large) these days. There’s just so much attention-seeking, and everyone is fighting for “likes” and “shares” and validation.

We didn’t used to be like that.

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I hate to be that shitty old person who is like “Things were better in my day…” But a meetup back when I was younger was more about talking to like-minded people and sharing a connection over our mutual freakishness. I loved that.

Now, you go to a meetup and there’s a bunch of people just assessing you as “fuckable” or “not fuckable” and there’s so much less productive conversation. I don’t even think it’s generational. It’s older kinksters at these meetups too. I think it’s just what we’ve become.

It’s like everyone is out to commodity every relationship in some way and see what value the other person can have or what validation they can give.

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I’m not touchy-feely as a rule (probably due to being raped- which really did put me off strangers.) But when I spoke at this convention a couple years ago, everyone there was really upset by my standoffishness. They’ve reduced the concept of “connection” to touching, which is not at all the same thing.

I’m tired of feeling like the only thing going on in the kink space is a meat market full of peacocks.

I don’t know… I guess I’m just not looking forward to doing it all again. I’m too exhausted to smile and validate people and act like I care what they think of me. Why don’t we have munches for those of us who are deeply cynical, don’t care about attention or validation, and who just want to bullshit with other freaks? I don’t feel like putting on my slut-costume and prancing right now, so can we just hang out and chat?

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Teaching

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I haven’t written  in ages because I’ve been really sick (not with a virus; like- the serious kind of sick.)

However, I was inspired to by a girl we’ll call Cupcake. She put out a call on a vanilla social media platform asking for advice on being a Domme. I hooked her up with a link to Midori, (a master) and didn’t think much else about it.

Then she wrote to me again. She had some interactions in the kink space that she wanted to discuss. Of course my initial response was to put her off. I’d never win any prizes in a narcissism contest because I’m firmly convinced that there are a million better teachers out there. But then I thought, well, I’m the most available to her and so I should help.

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As Cupcake and I talked, I felt inspired. I often get sort of bored with life (and kink) for periods of time. I guess it’s partially due to my health problems and partially due to the general existential crisis all conscious beings go through from time to time. Yet, I found myself pulled out of it by seeing kink through fresh eyes, as a new and exciting adventure.

This- when you get right down to it- is why those of us with decades of experience should be teaching and giving back to the newbies. We often feel put-upon when grilled about things we have explained hundreds of times, but we forget that it keeps the love of kink alive inside of us, too. Seeing anything in life through fresh eyes makes it beautiful again.

So, dear followers, find yourself a Cupcake of your own and be a mentor. It’s important so that the newbies learn to treat each other with respect and to value consent above all else. But it’s also important to keep us engaged so we still show up at munches and participate in the conversations.

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Me Too Fallout

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The Me Too Movement got a lot of press for a while, but it seems like only a few people actually got what it was about. Since it happened, there has been a torrent of ill-informed folks claiming that:

Men don’t know how to act anymore around women and it’s such a dangerous time for them.”

This toxic bullshit seems to be the only lasting effect of the Me Too Movement, and that is a shame.

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First: Let’s talk about why the assumptions behind this statement are absolute garbage. Let’s use an example from the collective consciousness.

Legend has it that there was a Hero Among Men who used to go to a dance club in LA. He was a big guy, and he always wore slutty clothes that showed off his gorgeous abs. So, this savior of leather and silk would watch the dance floor until he saw a sleezeball go up to a woman he didn’t know and start grinding on her. When he saw this happen, he would go up behind the offending male and start grinding on his ass.

Inevitably, the sleezeball would turn around and freak out, saying: “Dude, what the fuck? I don’t know you! Don’t fucking touch me!”

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The Hero Among Men would explain to the sleezeball that women feel the same way when a strange guy comes up and starts grinding on them. They go out to dance with their girlfriends and maybe do some consensual dancing with a man who asks them first, but they do not want gross guys rubbing their nasty little hardons all over their dresses all night.

Even though that is a perfectly clear and very true statement, sleezeball guys never understand. Ergo, they would tend to leave in a huff, rather than stay and risk being touched without their consent.

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That story is a great example of how men always know exactly where the line is when it is a gay man hitting on them. They want bodily autonomy. They want their personal space respected. They don’t want men to grab or touch them without permission. The line is clear.

I actually saw this all the time at both the dungeon and the bar that I worked at in my twenties. Any time a gay guy would compliment a straight man (Example: “You look really sexy sucking on that straw”) the straight men receiving the “compliment” would lose their minds being offended and upset.

One guy jumped out of his chair and screamed at the top of his lungs: “This faggot just tried to hit on me! Y’all be careful or he’ll do it to you, too!” It was a very dramatic overreaction to a compliment.

So even when it’s just a “compliment,” straight men know right where the line is.

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The issue is actually that straight men don’t think of women as people, and so they don’t think they deserve respect. As long as they are sub-human creatures who don’t deserve respect, it really doesn’t matter if you violate their personal space or get creepy with a “compliment.”

Most straight men don’t want to afford women the same respect that they expect to get themselves.

I want you to think about that, because it is at the very heart of the problem. If straight men gave women the same respect that they expect from gay men, there would be no need for sexual harassment training seminars or harassment lawsuits. The only reason we have these problems is because men want to keep giving women the same level of consideration that they always have (that of a lesser) instead of the level of respect that we deserve (that of an equal.)

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And please, don’t use the excuse that women want to be treated that way.

Look, women in the 1950’s might have accepted that sort of treatment because they thought that they didn’t deserve (or couldn’t get) better. That is sad, and I feel desperately sorry for those women. However, no woman wants to be treated like that now. We do not want men being pushy after we say no, because when we say no we mean it. I don’t care if your grandma used to say no when she meant yes. That was a long time ago, and all women were saying during the Me Too Movement is: We don’t want to be treated like that.

Woman are not mysterious creatures who don’t communicate what they want. In fact, women tend to speak very clearly about what they want, and anyone who is listening is easily able to tell. Women want the same respect that men get, and the same autonomy to say no when we are not interested.

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The Sex Club Problem

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I have been to sex clubs all over the world, from Paris to Portland. I used to work in a dungeon. And, in all my time enjoying kink clubs and swinger’s clubs, there has always been a huge problem: Single men.

Now, some men (you know the type) will immediately challenge this statement by asking what a man even is in these “crazy times” and then babble on about equality and how women don’t really want it because blah blah blah.

I’m going to dismiss those MRA arguments out of hand, because no one on The Red Pill should be going to sex clubs. If you don’t respect women, then you shouldn’t get to have sex with them. I firmly believe that the best way to deal with men who look down on women is to make sure that they never, ever get to touch another vagina as long as they live.

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For the rest of us who are not complete assholes, we know what I mean when I say that single men are a problem at sex clubs.

Picture this: You go to a club with your wife, and you are excited to find a couple to swing with. You talk to a few people, and one couple agrees. You’ve been fantasizing about it for years, and it’s like a dream come true to actually have the chance to play out this scenario.

Unfortunately, it’s very hard to enjoy it in real life because there are three single guys watching you and wacking off, and they keep trying to touch the ladies without permission.

We’ve all been there. If you’ve been to a few sex clubs, then you have had to deal with the creepy single guy. He wasn’t cool enough to get a girl to go with him, but the club let him in anyway, and now he’s just being a creeper. (Not that any guy ever thinks he’s being a creeper, but so many of them are ALL THE TIME.)

This is why single guys ruin sex clubs.

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Now, this is largely a masculinity problem. Guys are not encouraged to be bisexual because it’s not “manly.” This is a crying shame, because it means that men often never try sex with another man. I mean, you might not be attracted to men as romantic partners, but getting fucked in the ass feels good for men. That’s where their g-spot is. So sex with men would definitely have a place in the world if men would stop being so desperately repressed about their sexuality and teaching their sons to be the same way.

Alas!- This is the world we live in. Most men don’t go to sex clubs hoping for a threesome with their wife and another guy. Mostly, they go hoping for a threesome with their wife and another girl. I’m not saying that it’s right; I’m just saying it’s how it is. And if the club lets in single men, they tend to stand around peerving on everyone else because no one wants them to join in.

How can we solve this?

Well, Club Desire is Seoul solves this by not letting any single people in. All people must come in couples or MFF triads. Yes, this does make threesomes harder to have. But there is no reason you can’t get creative with fun configurations in a foursome. Is this the best solution? Maybe not. But it works. There are never any creepy single men hovering around and being grabby at Club Desire.

Meanwhile, sex clubs in the US tend to solve this by charging a small fee for single women, a larger fee for couples, and the highest fee of all for single men. This tends to balance out the numbers a little better, and it helps avoid too many sweaty guys ruining your scenes by getting underfoot and trying to cop a feel.

But how should we solve this?

If you ask me, the best possible way would be to attack the underlying problem, which is the Patriarchy.

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See, the patriarchy ruins sex clubs in two ways:

1. It tells men that gay sex is “sissy stuff” and that it is “not manly” so that men mostly don’t hook up with men. This is too bad. If single men at sex clubs were hooking up with each other, they wouldn’t be harassing all the women there and making a scene. Everyone is a little bi-curious, and it’s not like having gay sex makes you gay. It’s just a fun thing to try; like wormwood or LSD.

2. Women tend to have to be dragged to sex clubs by their significant others. However, I know lots of women who would really like to go to a sex club. Even some of my vanilla friends from college would be really, really down to play if they thought it was “okay.” The problem is that Patriarchy tells them that it is not okay. It slut-shames them and tells them that their worth is tied to their sexual fidelity and purity. In other words: Most women have a gangbang fantasy, but very few feel that they can live it out because men shame them for even thinking it.

And by the way: Why is that?!? Men, you watch gangbang porn and think it’s hot. Why would you shame a woman for doing it when you love to watch women do it?

This is why those of us that enjoy sex clubs should all be feminists.

The idea behind feminism is to dismantle the patriarchy and create true equality. That means letting men feel safe experimenting with same-sex hookups, and it means ending slut-shaming so that women can be the crazy-sexual creatures that we are on the inside.

So that’s my plan. I’ll need your help, but I think we can do it. Let’s dismantle the patriarchy and fight for true equality. We can save sex clubs by dismantling the patriarchy and bring the dreams of feminists into reality.

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