How To Ask

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I recently exchanged some emails with a man who is in a D/S relationship with a woman that he finds somewhat intimidating. The relationship was experiencing the normal ebb and flow of sex, and it was in an ebb when I was talking to him. He wondered what he would have to do to initiate scenes with his mistress.

Now, everyone is different and I can’t speak to his partner. But I will give you some general suggestions if you are a sub in need of a good spanking…

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First, I want to explain that there is a lot involved in setting up a scene. Remember that if it is always the same partner doing all the work, they will get tired of it. They will want help. It’s usually the Domme doing all the work setting up scenes, and this can be why a kinky sex life can ebb sometimes.

Knowing this, one way for a sub to get more sex is to do some of the work. Clean the room you will use of all things except the toys, and maybe some candles. Make a playlist and have the music already set up. Pick your Domme’s favorite songs. And once it’s set up, tell them.

Note: Be mindful. Please don’t set up a scene on a day when you know that your Domme is not feeling well. This will only embarrass everyone. Message them and make sure they are feeling good before they walk into a situation.

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Second, remember that attitude matters. If you are always acting like an equal and “just hanging out,” then you are in the wrong headspace for scenes. Headspace matters, and this is why sometimes it seems like it’s easier to be kinky with people you don’t know, because if you don’t spend any time with the person as an equal, then you never have to switch roles. Being in a long-term kink relationship involves being good at switching gears, and going from the headspace of equals to the headspace of Domme and sub.

It’s true that the Domme is often the one to change the tone of an interaction, but the sub can also do this without being impertinent, (if it is done respectfully and when you and your Domme are in a playful mood.)

There is no reason that you can’t take off all your clothes and wear something cute (the sub I talked to had a tail butt plug, which sounds adorable!) My own sub wears kitty ears, which are really very cute.

Then all you have to do is act submissive, and ask in the most adorable way that you can if your mistress would like to play.

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Third, remember that a Domme is a person too. Just as you like to hear that you look cute in your collar and that you have a nice ass, your Domme wants to hear that she is pretty. Not in that stiff way that a long-married couple says “You look nice,” but in the breathless way that a lover says “Oh god, you look so hot right now.” Tone matters here, and so do the words you use.

It’s not breaking any rules or being impertinent to say nice things to/about your Domme. Sometimes it can be hard to work up the courage, but I promise you that no matter how intimidating someone might seem to you, they still want you to find them irresistible and sexy.

If you’re not sure how to make someone feel sexy, remember that the specifics are what matter. “You look nice” is stiff and useless because it is nonspecific. So pick a feature and fall in love with it.

Example:

“I love the way your hair falls around your shoulders. It’s so distracting, and it makes me want to start running my hands along all the places it touches.”

~OR~

“I love the part below your ear where the skin is just right for biting and nibbling. Can I bite you there? It’s just such a sexy spot.”

And so on…

Never underestimate the power of making someone feel sexy. It is a powerful tool. If you can make someone feel desirable, you can get a lot more exciting sex from them. On the other hand, if you don’t make them feel special, the chances are that you are not going o get a command performance.

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Overall, the key is to truly embrace everything. Really see you Domme as beautiful for every little quirk and dimple. Really feel submissive and worshipful. Really lose yourself in your role and in the overall role play of the situation.

Remember: The basic kink of Domme and sub is just as much a form of roll play as anything else. You need to commit. You need to believe. You need to be in the moment. That takes work, and sometimes your significant other might not be in the mood for all the emotional work. That’s why it’s important for you to help in various ways if you feel that you need more scenes.

After my friend and I talked, he took a little bit more responsibility. And guess what? They started playing more scenes! All it took was him doing some of the work of set up and seduction, instead of leaving it all to her like he used to. So if you find yourself in a kinky lull in your relationship, try carrying a little bit more of the responsibility and see what happens.

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Tell Them They’re Sexy

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Sometimes people ask me how they can get their significant other to try new things. I get a lot of “I have a fantasy about this, but he/she would never go for it…”

If you want to make your sex life more exciting, you don’t need to buy toys or spend money. You can, but you don’t need to. The most important thing you can do is to make your significant other feel sexy.

Never underestimate the power of making someone feel gorgeous and wanted.

In my life, I have absolutely surprised myself by trying  lots of things I never thought I would. Every time, it was because someone made me feel sexy and fun and interesting, and I wanted to do new and exciting things with them because they made me feel that way.

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Sadly, I guess the first step is to see your partner as sexy.

I know that we hold both men and women to unrealistic standards of beauty these days, and so both men and women can sometimes have trouble seeing their partner as beautiful.

I don’t know what will work for you, but I have a few suggestions that might help:

1. Try switching from professional porn to amateur porn.

2. Try seeing the beauty of their personality shining out of their eyes.

3. Try focusing on features of theirs that you love.

Whatever you do, find a way to see them as sexy, and then make sure that they can feel your attraction and desire. It definitely makes for more exciting and adventurous sex!

Now, I don’t post pictures of myself or talk about myself a lot. However, I know a thing or two about feeling unattractive after spending three years in South Korea. I may have been considered smoking hot in the USA, but in Korea everyone called me fat constantly and told me to diet all the time. It absolutely made me want to have sex less, and be less adventurous.

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If you look at this picture (above) I am the one second from the left. You’ll notice that I am the fattest and least attractive person on that stage. That was pretty typical of my experiences in South Korea, and it absolutely affected how I felt about myself.

So take it from someone who knows, confidence is sexy. And to get confidence, you need feel hot. So do everything you can to make your partner feel attractive!

Legal Issues

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BDSM and the law is a muddy issue. It always has been. And there is no fool-proof way to ensure that you won’t have issues with the law.

There are people out there already writing about this issue, so you can always do some research about the laws where you live.

But here’s a cheat sheet of easy things to do:

1. Make sure that you have signed consent forms. Every sub, every time. There are forms you can download online. (And of course, it doesn’t hurt to have a checklist of things you consent to.)

2. If you’re not “out” as kinky and you have bruises, people are going to wonder. So make sure that you are ready to explain bruises, cuts, or other marks.

3. Always have a plan for if someone calls the cops. Screaming can cause neighbors to call them. Know what you will say.

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Remember; we are all the face of the community. Each of us represents all of us when we interact with the vanilla world. BDSM has become more mainstream, but it is still shrouded in mystery to the vanilla world and some people will have a negative opinion of us from the start.

I may never meet you. We may not know each other. But we are all part of a community, and we should all try to remember that when we have interactions with the vanilla world.

Remember; safe, sane, and consensual!

Pegging

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I was asked recently by a girl about how to peg her boyfriend. I’m just going to throw a few quick suggestions out there…

First, let me get the obvious stuff out of the way:

– Keep your toys clean. Wash and sterilize after each use.

– Lube. Buy some. Use it.

– Butt plugs help. If your sub wears them, it will be easier to let your strap-on slide in.

– Mess happens. Let’s be mature about a little poo here and there.

So you feel ready. You bought a strap-on (the cheap ones suck so get something good!) You practiced on your own putting it on and taking it off. Maybe you even tried the dildo on yourself. You feel prepared.

Now let me tell you that you are not prepared. There’s no exercise I’m aware of that uses the same muscles as fucking someone with a strap-on, and because your body is not designed for it, you’re going to wear yourself out pretty fast. That’s okay. Take the dildo out of the harness and use your hands if you want. Make him get on top and fuck himself if you’d rather. Don’t be discouraged if you can’t fuck for that long at first, because everything takes practice and that’s okay.

I think at first I encountered a host of problems from soar muscles to the ick factor of cleaning a little poo off the end of the dildo after. I think at first, I was nervous about the moment you stick it in, when they gasp.

However, that was just the first few times I did it.

Several pets later, I’ve really come to love pegging. The main reason is the sounds guys make. See, usually when a guy is fucking a girl he’s pretty quiet because he’s concentrating on the way he’s moving and all that. But when a guy is getting fucked, he has nothing to do but lay there and take it. That’s when they moan. I have really come to love that sound. The way they look, all helpless and cute… and the way you’re able to control the sounds they make by how hard you fuck them… it’s really all a lot of fun.

So yes, I know at first a lot of girls sort of shy away from the idea. I get that. But you can do it, and you will come to love it. Just be mentally prepared for the complications you may face, and keep an open mind. Because after awhile, I think you’ll come to find that it’s a lot of fun.

Setting Up a Scene

Some paperwork and my Domme hat

Some paperwork and my Domme hat

I was asked to walk through setting up a stand-alone scene involving sex. I am going to give that a shot now. (Remember I don’t  have that much experience outside a dungeon, and my ideas are not meant to be taken as anything other than suggestions.) To define what I mean; stand alone scenes would be those that are not part of a relationship. Both parties have agreed they want to play, but they are not dating.

To start, I like to do paperwork. (Pictured above).

Yes, this can feel really silly sometimes. Paperwork is not the first thing most people think of when they think of sex. So let me explain why I do it.

1. Submissives often feel nervous about telling me what they want and what their boundaries are. In addition, many service-oriented subs are most interested in pleasing the person they are allowing to Dominate them, and so that further complicates things because they’re both shy about talking, and not keeping their own desires and limits in mind. It can make it hard to get solid answers to things. Having a checklist with “yes” and “no” is nice and solid.

2. There is a certain amount of nervousness that is always involved in playing with someone. If you don’t know the person well, that can be compounded quite a bit. Paperwork is a nice way to easy into things. You’re talking about sex and that makes things start to get exciting. But, it’s structured and feels safe.

3. If you plan to hit a person hard enough to leave marks, it never hurts to have a checklist where they said they wanted that (just in case). Most people are sane and nice enough. However, the odd crazy person can slip by and having consent forms and a checklist of things your submissive agreed to may not get you out of trouble, but it sure as hell won’t hurt.

I like to make tea during the whole paperwork experience. This is because it helps calm a person if they are sipping tea, since it’s such a normal activity. Also though, it sets a time limit. You have a cup of tea, but then it’s time to begin the scene. To clarify; I don’t mean a set-in-stone kind of thing. I just mean that in your head you can keep in mind that a cup of tea is about the right amount of time for a scene negotiation, and that when you clean up the teas cups you can sort of lead into play from there. It’s a nice way to naturally transition.

Dressing up helps too, in my opinion

Dressing up helps too, in my opinion

Second; clothes!

Sure, in a relationship you might not care about what you wear. I know a couple who like to play in pajamas because they want to be comfy while they play. That’s totally cool and like I always say; do your own thing! However in a stand-alone scene, I find that clothes can add an air of credibility to something that might otherwise feel uncomfortable. It’s hard to explain why, but it’s one of those things that I have noticed from trying it both ways. My guesses as to why it works are:

1. Big Domme boots and a scary hat and tend to help people find subspace. Playing with someone you don’t really know, it can be hard to feel trusting enough to go into subspace with them. However, there is just something about the boots that gets people’s attention and makes them feel more compliant.

2. I usually slip into the Domme role fine and feel 100% at home there. However some people can trigger a moment or two of nervousness or doubt. The right clothes can really give a person confidence though- as any social scientist will tell you. A big part of having the right head-space is often dressing the part.

Of course there is probably more to it, and it may be different for everyone. I can only speak to my own experience. It just seems to me that clothes make a big difference.

Make sure your toys are laid out and in easy reach

Make sure your toys are laid out and in easy reach

This is pretty obvious I guess, but make sure the toys you plan to use are all laid out. This allows your submissive to inspect them first and make sure they feel okay with everything. They may want to test the size of a ball gag or make sure a dildo doesn’t look too big. And of course, it also makes it easier for you later when you’re actually playing the scene.

I don’t have a picture for the last one. It’s common sense of course, but make sure to avoid leaving anything sharp or dangerous out. You may throw your submissive around. They may stumble. It’s best to make extra sure that all sharp edges and dangerous things are out of your play space. Also make sure there is nothing that will be in your way when you swing a whip or flogger or whatever.

In general, I focus on creating the best experiences I can. That means attention to detail, and it also means being mindful of all the little things you can do to set up a scene beforehand. That way, when you start to play, you’ll have nothing to worry about but the way you and your partner or partners feel.

Bringing People In

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Lately, I have had a lot of people who are in vanilla relationships tell me that they want to know how they can introduce their partner to BDSM. I feel like it’s probably a lot of girls who just read 50 Shades of Grey and thought it was hot… and I’m going to skip over the larger issues I have with that and just give some generic advice.

First, communications is key. I have already written a post about scene negotiation. Talking about anything you find awkward in terms of sex follows the same process. Find the method of communication that is best for you, and be as open as possible.

I find that with BDSM, porn is only helpful sometimes. It’s good for little things, like: “See how they’re using nipple clams? I want to buy some of them.” It’s not good for entire scenes, because most porn doesn’t have scenes in it. It’s just people in leather and vinyl fucking. There’s not a lot of things that most submissives consider fun, like verbal degradation and structured play where a Dom gives orders and someone follows. The really degrading stuff (like making someone suck on your toes or lick your boots) doesn’t translate well into porn, because it’s the headspace you’re in at the time that matters, and you can’t capture that in a movie.

The absolute best way to communicate is to write out scenes. I know it’s hard to get up the guts to do this, but it’s the best way to introduce your partner to the idea and help them get excited to try it.

For guys, remember that I recommend contracts. If you’re going to hit a girl, you need to get it in writing that she said she wanted it. Maybe even have her fill in a worksheet or two with her various fetishes. Make sure you’re protected in case she goes to the cops later saying you abuse her. I guess I think this is a good idea for everyone, but it’s more important for men because women are not often brought up on abuse charges.

Remember that the most important thing is to be open yourself. You have to be able to talk about what you want openly and honestly. Practice in front of a mirror, or to your friends, or in whatever way helps. Write things down  first if you want. Just remember that if you’re not able to talk about it, you can not expect your vanilla partner to be okay talking about it.

I am always surprised at how much resentment can build up in a relationship because of sex. People feel like they can’t talk about it, so they just get more and more frustrated. Every time they have sex with their partner they think about what they want. Maybe they are thinking “I really need him to spank me” or “I don’t understand why she won’t suck on my toes.” If you don’t ask for what you want, then you’re not going to get it. However, it seems like people can be too afraid to ask, and then still resent their partner for not doing the things they want.

The moral of the story is this: Those words inside your head? I can’t hear those! You need to tell me what you want, or I can’t give it to you.

With me in particular, my favorite thing to do is make people’s fantasies happen. I love when people tell me about something they have always wanted and I can make it happen for them. It’s the same with the play parties I throw where people have a great time. I love creating experiences that people can enjoy.

HOWEVER, I can not read minds.

One final thought: A sense of humor is essential. If I fuck you in the ass with my strap-on, there’s a chance that we might have a little accident and there might be some poo that comes out. If I’m wearing 6 inch stilletto heels, I might slip and fall on the tile because it’s wet with lube. This stuff could be really awkward, or it can be hilarious. Make it hilarious! Laugh at the mistakes and moments that aren’t as sexy as you want. Have fun with it. Sex is supposed to be fun- even when there are whips and chains involved. You NEED a sense of humor if you want to have a good time while pushing boundaries and experimenting with new things.

A female friend was watching Sex and the City once when I came over. It was an episode in which one of the girls was worried that her boyfriend would never want to have sex with her again because she farted in front of him. I was so disturbed by this that it still makes me mad to think about it now.

With BDSM you learn that your body does stuff sometimes that you can’t control. You might start laughing uncontrollably due to shock the first time you get flogged. You might get air trapped inside you the first time you try fisting. All kinds of things that you don’t expect can happen. So please, keep calm and have a sense of humor about everything you do. A sense of humor has saved many, many relationships!

Subspace

Picture of cute subs in my hallway.

I have been asked a lot about how to get into subspace. This is a really good question, but it doesn’t exactly have an answer. Or rather, I think it’s different for everyone. I’m better at giving advice to Dommes about how to put a sub into subspace, but I was asked to write something specifically for subs, so here goes:

Acceptance: First, you have to accept it to find it. That means that, no matter how headstrong you are, you can’t ask your Domme to “break you” so you can find subspace. If you want to submit, then you have to let yourself submit. A big part of it is letting yourself be under someone else’s control and learning to let go.

Enthusiasm:  Even if you’re not feeling it, do what your Domme asks you to do with enthusiasm! Don’t repeat phrases like “I’m your slut” in a whisper. When your Domme gives you a phrase to repeat for call-and-response, say it like you mean it. Do everything like you mean it, until you do.

Stance: Having a good posture is very helpful. Feet together! Don’t slouch! Head up and eyes lowered respectfully! Make your body submit and your mind will follow.  A lot of our mindset comes from our posture, so be very mindful of this.

Focus: Shift the focus in your mind off of you. Don’t worry about your goose bumps or your knees being soar. Think of how your goal is to please your Domme and make them happy. Only let yourself think of how important it is to please your Domme.

Disclaimer: This makes me sound like an asshole, but these are helpful things to keep in mind during a scene, so you can find subspace for the first time. Obviously during after care, you will want to voice all concerns with your Domme. Did she hit you too hard? Were you cold? What did you find sexy and what did you find distracting? Let these things flow out of you after the scene is over. Talking is important! Communication is key!

I’m not saying you should forget your happiness because of course, if you have a good Domme, her focus IS your happiness. All I am saying is that during a scene, if you keep these things in mind, I think it will help you find that special place where you are outside of yourself and your problems, and you are in a pure submissive state. That’s the peace you’re chasing, so hopefully these tips can help you find it!