Recently I made a new friend who I liked enough to have over at my house. However, I didn’t want her husband and my husband to sit there feeling weird while we talked, so I invited some of my other friends to make it more of a party, and less of a high-pressure situation.
This new friend of mine is vanilla, but she knew that my husband and I are kinky, and that we have other kinky friends. (That will be important in just a second.)
So she came to the party and hung out. After a few drinks she asked me to go for a walk with her, and I agreed. And that’s when she dropped this little bomb on me. She said:
“I was worried it was going to be some kind of orgy because you are kinky. My husband and I didn’t know what we might be walking into.”
Now, I know you kinky people probably felt offended when you read that. I admit, I was a little taken aback myself.
However after some thought, I decided that I can see why a vanilla person might think that. I mean, these are people who hook up with strangers without trading STD tests, doing a scene negotiation, or any other preliminaries. They just haul off and have sex with people they don’t know without even talking about it beforehand. Vanilla folks really are just down with surprises. When you come from a group where things are surprises or not discussed, I guess I can see how you might think that other groups would be like that too.
Those of us in the kink community are decidedly the opposite.
I mean, I have been in the kink community for 21 years, and no one has ever invited me to a surprise sex party. Everyone has always made it clear exactly what will be going on before the party starts.
I have never been to a play party where I was not told in advance what kind of play was okay/not allowed. I never been to a swinger’s party where the rules where not made VERY clear prior to showing up. I have never been to a dungeon where the orientation wasn’t a rule-heavy disclosure with a 5-page waiver to sign at the end.
We kink people really love our paperwork, discussion, and negotiations. We are not into surprises.
When you think about it, it makes sense. If you are dating someone who has toys like a 15 inch dildo and a single-tail leather whip, you know damn well that you want to make your limits known up front before anything with ropes or handcuffs gets going.
Upon reflection, I realize that the kink community taught me to dislike surprise. When I was a kid I was fine with it. However, years of scene negotiations and consent forms later, I have become more open-minded and less inhibited than before, but also really not into surprises.
And you know what? I am cool with that. I will take the way I am over a vanilla person any day. No offense you lovely vanilla folks. You’re good people. But I will always be way more cautious and into full disclosure up front than a vanilla person will ever be.