Being Outed

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Some of us who are kinky choose to tell the world, and are totally comfortable with it. My friend told everyone when he was a military contractor because they already thought the IT guys were weird, so why not? I respect that he could live like that, being “out” to vanilla people. However, it’s not something I ever wanted for myself.

At my last job, my boss was friends with someone who was dating a friend of mine. (It’s a small island and these things happen.) My friend is sort of new to the kink scene, and I don’t think it ever occurred to her that I would be really unhappy with being “outed” at work. So, she told my boss that I wrote kinky novels.

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Honestly, I hated that job because of it. The awkwardness was completely unreal. My boss refused to let it go, and got really sexually harassy about it. He mocked me in staff meetings saying things like:

“You can type up a report on that, right? Just make sure not to add anything about whips or heaving breasts!” 

Then everyone would laugh in an uncomfortable way.

This went on for months, and I was relieved to leave that place. While it was going on it was something I felt a lot of anxiety about and I didn’t know how to handle it because none of my requests for my boss to lay off seemed to have an effect. I started with:

“You know, my friend really shouldn’t have told you about that. Now that you know, would you mind keeping it between us? I am not really okay with anyone knowing. That is why I don’t write under my real name.”

However, he completely ignored me and made sure to work in a comment about “heaving breasts” at literally every opportunity, no matter who was around. I know I should have sued for sexual harassment. Please don’t comment on this and ask me why I didn’t. I just don’t have it in me to fight a legal battle like that. They always treat the woman like a pariah who “can’t take a joke” and the man like some poor guy who is nice and sweet and never did a thing wrong. I cannot deal with that.

So instead, I dealt with the harassment and I let it happen and I didn’t do anything. I am weak, and I am sorry to all the women who deal with sexual harassment that I didn’t take a stand. I should have.

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The point of telling this story is three fold.

First: Never ever out someone to another person without their consent. It a person wants to be “out” about their kink, that is their choice. It is not anyone else’s choice. If you saw someone at a munch and then you see them again in different company, don’t bring up the munch! If you know someone who works with someone you know is kinky, don’t talk about it! It’s a violation.

Second: Sexual harassment sucks. If you are a woman reading this, you have my sympathy. If you are a man reading this, please start taking this kind of thing seriously. It is not okay to dismiss women who say they feel uncomfortable with your “jokes.” I am sorry, but it’s just not.

Third: My name is Lady Violet and I am a Dominatrix and a kink author. That is how I am in my community and that is how I am on my blog. However, in my mundane life I have a different name. I am not “out.” I get enough new people in the community asking me questions and being awkward. I don’t need it from the vanillas as well. So if you know me, please don’t ever out me.

For those who are out: Thank you so much for being brave enough to represent our community to the world! Thank you for patient explanations in interviews with the media and in life! I used to be that patient, but now I am older and crabbier. All of us in the community appreciate you!

Birthday Slut

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It is my birthday as a blogger!

I started this blog in August of 2012, and it’s been five years!

I admit, sometimes I want to go back and delete the posts from five years ago because I hadn’t really found my voice yet. Other times, I like to keep them there to show how far I have come.

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I want to thank every single one of you who take the time to read all the things that I write. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate you. When my friend Chris talked me into starting this blog five years ago, I was sure that no one would care.

Somehow, I now find myself with hundreds of views per day, as well as comments and e-mails all the time. I can’t believe this little blog has become so successful, and it all because of YOU!!!

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Anyway, happy birthday to the Magically Delicious Super Slut. Here’s to five years of tips, tricks, and angry rants about kink. |

If you want to wish me a happy birthday, you could look for the Paypal button and make a small contribution to help my pay to renew my domain name, or just to help me keep writing.

I appreciate every contribution I get so much! And yes, the rumors are true, I definitely spend a lot more time e-mailing people who have donated than people who have not. It’s only fair.

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Thank you so very much to all of you. Your support means the world to me.

Scene Music

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Everyone has their own ideas about what kind of music sets a good tone for a scene. Some people prefer classical music because they think that it is classy. Some prefer whatever music they normally listen to because music isn’t really something that they think of as part of the scene.

For me personally, I prefer Goth/Industrial because it makes me feel like a Dominatrix. Here is a list of some of the music I would recommend if your taste is anything like mine.

Let’s start with a band called element a440. You probably don’t know them, but you should.



My second-favorite scene music is definitely Faderhead. The track I wanted to embed is called “Like a Rocket,” but they don’t have a video for it. So, here’s one that’s a little more low-key but still good.



I also really enjoy some older music that still has a good sound to it. I have been a fan of Rob Zombie for sexytime since ever since.



As far as music that never gets old, I don’t think that I could ever be sick of Manson. I am an old-school Goth from way back, so I can’t really help myself. I love Manson. And all his songs make me feel sexy because I remember dancing to them at The Nile and Transylvania and other Phoenix Goth clubs when I was young and hot and awesome.



I also like to get a little harder sometimes, so I include some metal. When I am flogging someone in a soft and teasing way and then a really good metal song comes on, it makes me really let loose. Children of Bodem is my favorite, and it doesn’t get better than Needled 24/7.



I also adore Hardwire because they are really what Industrial music is all about, and sometimes you just need to feel like you are in a torture chamber in an abandoned warehouse.



I think the important thing is to think about what music makes you feel sexy and powerful. Do you love punk? Do you feel empowered listening to Hardcore industrial? Okay. Then through that on your playlist for a scene. It’ll help you get into the right headspace, and that is really the hardest part of kink for most people.

How to Approach a Dominatrix

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I get a lot of emails every day because of this blog, my fetlife account, and my work as a novelist and public speaker. I don’t want to to be jerk, but you should know that there is a right way and a wrong way to approach a busy person with their own life and their own stuff going on.

First let’s talk about the media:

Please stop acting like you are doing me a favor by asking me for an interview. This is something that requires me taking time out of my life. I don’t want to do it. You should understand that I do not need “exposure,” because I am quite successful on my own. You should also understand that I know you are going to ask my the same mundane questions that people have been asking me for twenty years, and that is not something that I am excited about. So, if you must ask for an interview, do it with the understanding that you are asking for a favor, and act accordingly.

Rule of thumb for media: If a Dominatrix acts like you are doing her a favor by interviewing her, than she is not good or successful. In fact, she might not even work in the community at all.

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Now on to the non-media people who write to me:

I don’t want to sound like an asshole to these people, but I am about to, and I don’t think it can be helped. Sorry, but not really sorry, you know?

So, it’s so odd. It’s always the same thing. Someone is just figuring out that they are submissive and they think that I will be eager to do all this work to train them; as if male submissives are hard to come by. Here is how their e-mails always go:

“Hi Lady Violet. I am a male who is 56 and just discovering my kinky side. I am really excited to finally be doing this. I should have done it a long time ago.

About me: I am a “strong-willed” submissive, which is probably something you could break me of. I am sure you will want to try. 

I am interesting in you having a digital relationship with me. I want you to call me several times a week with commands and things you want me to do. 

If it goes well, I want to meet in person and see if we can play out some of my fantasies. I am really excited to start dating a Dominatrix now that I have come out as kinky. 

Let me know when you are ready!”

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Obviously there is so much wrong with this that I don’t know where to start, but here are some very basic tips for writing to a Dominatrix:

1. Do not go on and on about yourself. Yes, I know. When you first come out as kinky it’s all shiny and new and you think that everyone should be excited for you. But me? I have been in the kink community for over 20 years. I have worked at two dungeons, spoken at countless events, hosted tons of workshops, and even hosted a blog for nearly five years now just to explain kink so people can take some initiative and learn a little on their own.

In my more than 20 years in the kink community, I have met literally thousands of people who were just coming out. Once upon a very long time ago I did get excited for them. However, after years upon years it really does get old.

Please, do not write to me all about your coming out experience and how I should help you with it. It takes time out of my day for me to skim your e-mail and delete it, and I could have spent that time on literally anything else.

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2. Address me formally. Again, I am a Dominatrix of some notoriety and a great deal of experience. I have been around a long time. I got into the community when I was 14 and started work at my first dungeon at 16. I deserve to be addressed as “Mistress.”

In addition, if you do actually want to get on my good side, you would think you could bother to mention literally anything about me. These guys write and all they talk about is themselves like anyone wants to spend hours listen to them blather on. Do your homework by reading at least a few of my posts and finding out the most basic things about me, and then mention those things.

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3. Do not act like you are doing me a favor. I have a young and attractive submissive husband with six-pack abs and a 9 inch dick. You are not doing me a favor by offering your old, flabby body to me.

If you want me to care, then tell me why I should. What about you is interesting? What makes you stand out from the hundreds of offers I get per week? Remember that as much as kink has always been in your fantasies, I am real. All of us that you will meet in the kink community are real. We are actually people. So believe it or not, we have our own wants and needs and do not exist just to fulfill your fantasies.

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I think that is the bottom line, actually. And it applies to the media people who write to me and the men, too.

So listen up all of you:

I do not exist to please you. 

Honestly, I really don’t. No woman does. If you want something, you had better make a compelling case. Because otherwise, you are just wasting my time. (And I really, really hate that.)

Scene Negotiation

Note: This is a handout I wrote for a presentation I did at the New Culture Camp. It is about kink, and it is aimed at vanilla people. I have had a few requests for something like this in the last few days, so I thought I might re-post the handout to help you beautiful people out!

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Usually I do workshops in Scene Negotiation for kinky people. This is because it’s really important to talk carefully through scenes before you play them out if you are planning to do something involving kink. However, this same idea can be very helpful for vanilla folks as well. Healthy communication is a positive addition to any lifestyle.

So first, why do we find it so hard to talk about sex? Not all of us came from oppressive households where the topic was taboo. Some of us came from open households where our parents discussed the topic with us, right? And yet, everyone struggles at first to communicate their needs to their partner.

There is a lot going on there of course, and we could do an entire workshop on the topic of sexual repression in society. Suffice to say, even when it is a topic that you feel safe discussing at home, you are often shamed for bringing it up in public. It’s completely okay to discuss your back injury at work, but not your struggle with impotence (even though they are both medical problems). It’s fine to talk about being in a community play, but not okay to talk about wanting to roll play being kidnapped by aliens with your partner (even though both are practicing acting skills).

It is this line that we as a society have drawn which has taught us that sex is private. You shouldn’t talk about it. You should keep it to yourself. You should be embarrassed.

I am not saying that I advocate talking to your co-workers about sexual fantasies. Obviously that would make for a really strange environment that not everyone would be comfortable with. I’m not sure if changing the world is required. However, since we all grew up in the world, we do need to learn to change ourselves so that we can lower that taboo against talking about sex when we are with our partners. It may be uncomfortable at first, but like everything else, practice makes perfect!

Let’s start by realizing an important truth: No one can read our minds. That means that no one can know what we want until we tell them. Oftentimes we run into the problem of desperately wanting our partner to do or say something that would make us happy, but they don’t know because they can’t read our minds. And sometimes, we can feel resentful that they don’t do the things we want, even though we haven’t told them what they are. This is understandable, but it is also unfair. That’s why it’s important in a healthy relationship to learn to understand your own needs, and then to learn to communicate them to the person you are with.

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Figuring Out What You Want

The first step is to figure out what matters to you. This is a big step, because we are all individuals and so we all have different ideas about what is important. In order to effectively communicate with others, you must first look inside yourself and determine where your limits are. That way, you will be able to let other people know. There are several key things that you should determine for yourself when it comes to sex.

Let’s go through a list.

1. Do you wish to be monogamous?

This is a question that requires a lot of thought. If you want to be able to have sex with other people, then you also have to be comfortable with your partner having sex with other people. That can be difficult for some people, and so if you think you are curious about polyamory, it’s important to be honest with yourself and your partner and make sure you are not looking for an excuse to “cheat,” but instead have a legitimate interest in both of you perusing loving relationships outside your own.

Good questions to ask yourself:

* How would I feel if my partner went out on a date and I was at home alone?

* How would I feel if my partner developed feelings for another person?

* How would I feel if my partner decided another relationship was more valuable to him or her, and therefore moved me from the primary position to a secondary position in their life?

* What rules would be have in place to ensure good communication ?

Note: It is okay if you decide to be monogamous. It doesn’t mean that you are not open-minded and interested in sex. Just make sure that you are making a conscious choice to be monogamous or polyamorous. Don’t let yourself be pushed or coerced into anything that you are not comfortable with.

2. What is your comfort level when it comes to STDs?

Some of you may have grown up before this was a big concern, so let me start by telling you that HIV is a big deal, more aggressive strains of Herpes are going around, and there is also an untreatable strain of Chlamydia that has developed. This means the days of just taking a pill if you get something are over, and STDs are a real concern.

Personally, I prefer to exchange STD tests with potential partners prior to having sex with them. This is not a guarantee of safety since some things can take time to show up on a test. However, it is an added layer of safety that helps me to feel more comfortable with new partners.

Now, this is not always possible for me. My partner and I occasionally attend orgies. In those situations, I have to realize that I am taking a risk, and that there may be terrible consequences. We have decided in our relationship that we are okay with occasionally taking this risk if we are attending a sex party together, and we do try to minimize our risk by using condoms. It is still dangerous because many STDs can be spread by skin-to-skin contact. However, we don’t engage in orgies very often, and we feel that an occasional risk is acceptable for the same reason that we are willing to drive cars and fly in airplanes. Sometimes risk is required in order to have fun, and each person must decide for themselves what they consider to be acceptable risks.

Good questions to ask yourself:

* Have I considered all the possible consequences?

* Have I decided what risk level is acceptable to me?

* Have I decided on a plan to make sure that my risk level is met?

3. What kind of sex do I want to have?

Some people are very uncomfortable with oral sex. I have found that comfortable levels actually vary widely about a lot of things. In the kink community, we like to talk about “hard limits” and “soft limits.” So for example, you might be completely uncomfortable with the idea of anal sex, but only a little uncomfortable with oral sex. Hard limits are the things that you will communicate to your partner as unbreakable. You refuse to consider doing those things, and you do not want to be asked or have them try to coerce you into them. Soft limits are the things that you may be okay with sometimes, such as a blowjob on Valentine’s Day.

Good questions to ask yourself:

* What you are hard limits?

* What are your soft limits?

* What are things you are unsure about?

4. What are your fantasies?

Most people have things that they fantasize about, but that they have never done before. Or, perhaps they have tried them before with an ex, but don’t know how to broach the subject with their partner. Fantasies are a healthy part of life, and there is nothing wrong with trying new things that you and your partner may enjoy.

However, please remember that sometimes you have a fantasy, but it might not be a good idea to actually do it. An example might be a gang bang. Maybe the fantasy excites you, but in reality you would be sore and unhappy, and your partner would be hurt. So be honest with yourself about which fantasies you actually want to play out, and which ones are just for fun. You do not have to act on every idea that goes through your head.

Questions to ask yourself:

*Are you sure that you are comfortable with this?

*Are you sure it is fair to ask your partner for this?

*What are the things that could go wrong, and are you willing to accept responsibility for those things?

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Summary

So, now that you have asked yourself some really important questions, you have a better idea of what you want and what you are comfortable with. Great! Knowing yourself is important and some people go their whole lives without ever looking inside themselves and exploring their dreams and desires. You are already ahead of the pack!

Remember that there are always different things that each person needs to consider, so take some time to reflect/meditate/thought diagram or whatever you do to make sure that you haven’t missed anything. For example, I excluded the complication of children and pregnancy because it isn’t relevant to me. My son is grown, and I am no longer able to have children. In addition, my husband has had a vasectomy, so I don’t have to worry about him getting any of his girlfriend’s pregnant. Therefore, this isn’t a concern in my universe. But your universe may be different. So make sure you haven’t missed anything before you move on to the next step, which is to communicate your desires.

Speaking of, here is a little bit about communication:

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Communication

In the kink community, we like to use scene negotiation forms, worksheets, and checklists. I generally make a pot of tea, and then we have tea while discussing the paperwork. This is because there is a lot to consider when you are about to have a kinky threesome with two of the participants gagged and a role play scenario playing out. Vanilla sex is less complicated. Because of this, you may not need paperwork in order to let your partner know what you need.

Things to keep in mind:

1. Use positive language.

Of course this applies to all communication, but it is particularly important when talking about sex, because it is a very sensitive topic for people.

Example of poor communication: “When my ex Mandy used to lick my asshole it was amazing and I want you to do it just like her.”

Why is this an example of poor communication?

Well, for starters, we’re referring to an ex by name, and that can make it more hurtful, as though you are comparing your partner to someone else. It is often less hurtful to say something like: “In the past, I have enjoyed X.”

Now, another way this is hurtful is that the person speaking is throwing the idea in their partner’s face. We shouldn’t do that when raising new ideas or fantasies. Instead we should try to bring up the idea in a more gentle way, such as “Have you ever given any thought to X?”

Finally, let’s remember that we need to give our partner room to say no if something isn’t okay with them. People can be uncomfortable with various things due to past trauma like rape, previous negative experience with the specific thing, and many other factors. If we introduce a new idea, we need to be willing to receive a “no,” and we need to leave room to hear it.

2. Set the right mood.

When there is paperwork, you need light. Hence I try to use my living room as the place to sit, with cozy warm drinks and comfortable furniture.

However, if you are not doing a kink scene negotiation, then you probably don’t need a handout to talk about it. If that is the case, then I recommend having conversations about sex in the dark, in bed. If possible, it helps to be physically touching in some way, although I can understand that when you feel the need to emotionally pull back, you may also feel the need to physically pull back. We can’t always control those involuntary things that are brain makes our body do. However, maintain physical contact if you can, because it helps. Touch is comforting.

I also recommend music, which is something I use. I don’t necessarily use relaxing music, because often I am trying to create a sexy mood and I personally don’t find relaxing music sexy. You may feel differently. It doesn’t matter what you select as long as it’s something that you and your partner both like. It fills in awkward pauses and provides a helpful distraction.

3. Bring all your love and acceptance.

It is wonderful if you can get some or even most of the things that you want from your partner. However, since people are all very different, you will probably never get every single thing you need from one person.

Therefore, you may ask for some things and get a no. Perhaps your partner doesn’t like role-play. Maybe they don’t feel comfortable with spanking. It could be that anal sex just isn’t their thing.

And when you run into a thing that you would like and you ask your partner, it can be easy to feel like you deserve this thing because you got up the courage to ask. This is natural, but it is also wrong. You need to overcome that feeling.

Yes, it takes courage to ask for things.

However, your partner still has a right to say no.

So when you are talking about things you want, remember that you won’t get all of them. Maybe you really want to go to a sex club and switch partners with another couple. But, maybe your partner is not comfortable having sex with strangers and needs to get to know someone first. Well, just because you want to go to a sex club and have sex with a stranger, doesn’t mean that you get to if you want to stay in the relationship. You both have to be okay with it.

When possible, try to find a compromise. In the example above, you wanted to swap partners at a sex club. However, your significant other didn’t feel comfortable with that because they won’t sleep with strangers. So, you can compromise by getting to know a couple first, and then taking then to a sex club and swapping partners. If you’re all into role-play you can even pretend you have never met once you get there.

Summary

The keys to remember are:

1. Get comfortable with the idea of talking about sex.

2. Figure out what you want first.

3. Use positive language, set up a cozy environment, and be prepared to hear “no.”

4. Never stop communicating with your partner, and re-negotiate your sexual interests at least once a year because tastes change over time.

Note: I am sure all of you wonderful people know this already, but I will remind you anyway. Please make sure that you take time to put yourself in your partner’s shoes and think about them before you talk to them.

And now there is only one thing left to say: Have Fun!

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Vacation!

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We are off on a trip to Portland, Seaside, Phoenix, and Honolulu. As always, if you will be in any of those cities, hit me up with an e-mail and let’s see if we can get coffee. ladyvioletemail@gmail.com

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Oh, and if you are in Portland and want to borrow my beautiful Pet, please let me know. He’ll be there for a few days by himself while I am in Phoenix visiting my dying grandmother.

He hasn’t had anyone but me to play with him in so long because we live on a tiny island. It would do him good to have a little variety.

He is a switch. 26 years old, with a slim build. Hetero-flexible but mostly straight. Very attentive and lots of fun.

He is up for grabs in Portland July 20th to July 25th.

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Polyamory Series: Conclusion

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Over the last several weeks, I have been writing a series on polyamory. Here are the posts in order in case you want a single link to share with a friend:

1. The Introduction: This is about what polyamory is, but also about what it is not. I find that defining things is a really useful way to start out a discussion about them, and the introduction hits all the key points (in my opinion) so that an informed discussion can follow.

2. Not About Threesomes: Often new people will assume that we all go around having sex with each other. Of course, we don’t. Often poly people are only ever interested in having sex with one person at once. However, they enjoy having a variety of relationships because they can’t get what they need from only one relationship.

3. The Poly Community: This explains in a step-by-step way how many relationships are often involved in a poly community, and how important each of them is.

4. Poly and Kink: Not all Poly-amorous people are kinky, and not all kinky people are poly. However, there is a lot of overlap (which of course why a series about polyamory is on a kink blog in the first place.)

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And then of course, we come to the conclusion.

I just want to remind everyone that Polyamory is really not something that people ever seem to choose. You just are, or you are not. So if you have always been curious and your partner can’t stand the thought of it, please don’t think that a little convincing is all they need. They probably just aren’t poly, and no amount of force can change that.

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