How to hit on a girl

It’s great if you want to get whipped. It’s just not a good pick-up line.


As requested by a reader, here is something I’ve been mulling over for awhile. This is how to hit on a kinky girl…

On my fetlife profile, I get a lot of people who message me to say things like “I’ve been a very naughty boy and I need to be punished.” Or “I want you to tie me up and fuck me, Mistress.”

This is not from people I know or even from people who are my friends. This is just from random people who happened to see my profile and decide to introduce themselves in this way. Every time, I can not help but wonder if they are serious. Do these guys actually sit at home in front of their computer and think that those are good pick-up lines? Do they actually think I will stop in my tracks and say “My, I certainly am busy, but I’d better drop what I am doing and go spank this stranger.” In what universe does that sound realistic or sane?

I also know from talking to people that many girls who list themselves as submissive have the problem of men sending messages like “What’s up slut? I want to tie you up and shove my balls in your face.”

Both groups of people often send cock pictures along with their graceless pick up lines. I’ll be honest, that last bit is something I happen to appreciate. I really prefer about 7 inches, and it’s pretty disappointing when you spend all this time getting to know a guy, only to find out he has a tiny penis that’s not big enough to reach your G-spot. And yes, I am also disappointed when they are too big. There are guys out there with cocks that are huge, and those are hard on my various internal organs if I choose to put them inside me. The sending of a cock picture helps me to avoid accidentally wasting time on a guy I’ll just be disappointed with later. It’s still not a good way to start a conversation. It’s still rude. It’ll still turn most girls off. I’m just saying that I personally happen to find them a handy tool.

Oh- but I am pretty baffled when a guy sends me a cock picture and it’s tiny and hangs to the right or something. If that’s what you have to open with… well… sorry for you.
My point is, this is not the way to hit on girls.

If you want to get a girl’s attention, you need to do the same thing you would on the street. You need to start a conversation. Not about your balls or how you want to cum on her face. Kinky does not equal porn star or slut. You need to start a normal conversation. Read her profile. Does it say she’s into books? Do you like books too? Okay great! Say “Hey, I noticed you like books. I like books too. What is your favorite book?”

I know his seems like a radical idea, but in order to get a girl to pay attention to you, it’s important that you talk to her like a girl and not a hooker.

A submissive might enjoy being called a whore during sex. She might enjoy objectification and degradation. However, in my experience, the people who enjoy that stuff in the bedroom are twice as likely as a normal girl to demand respect outside the bedroom. As a general rule, you should just treat everyone with respect and pay attention to what they say.

Yes, a point will come when you will need to discuss what a potential partner is into. Perhaps at that time, it would be okay to say you would like to be spanked. However, you should be patient and wait until you know one another.

Oh, and one last thought, I understand if you don’t want to show your face in a profile picture. Maybe you’re a lawyer or in the military or a teacher. Maybe you don’t want to end up in the news. Fair enough. If you don’t want people to see your face, you could still have pictures of you turned away from the camera, or something that gives a general idea of what you look like. Just please don’t do a naked picture as your profile. Lots of guys do the neck-down nude as a profile picture their first time on fetlife. This is a big turn-off for most girls, even if you look really good naked. So please, keep your clothes on in your main profile picture.


Picture of cute subs in my hallway.

I have been asked a lot about how to get into subspace. This is a really good question, but it doesn’t exactly have an answer. Or rather, I think it’s different for everyone. I’m better at giving advice to Dommes about how to put a sub into subspace, but I was asked to write something specifically for subs, so here goes:

Acceptance: First, you have to accept it to find it. That means that, no matter how headstrong you are, you can’t ask your Domme to “break you” so you can find subspace. If you want to submit, then you have to let yourself submit. A big part of it is letting yourself be under someone else’s control and learning to let go.

Enthusiasm:  Even if you’re not feeling it, do what your Domme asks you to do with enthusiasm! Don’t repeat phrases like “I’m your slut” in a whisper. When your Domme gives you a phrase to repeat for call-and-response, say it like you mean it. Do everything like you mean it, until you do.

Stance: Having a good posture is very helpful. Feet together! Don’t slouch! Head up and eyes lowered respectfully! Make your body submit and your mind will follow.  A lot of our mindset comes from our posture, so be very mindful of this.

Focus: Shift the focus in your mind off of you. Don’t worry about your goose bumps or your knees being soar. Think of how your goal is to please your Domme and make them happy. Only let yourself think of how important it is to please your Domme.

Disclaimer: This makes me sound like an asshole, but these are helpful things to keep in mind during a scene, so you can find subspace for the first time. Obviously during after care, you will want to voice all concerns with your Domme. Did she hit you too hard? Were you cold? What did you find sexy and what did you find distracting? Let these things flow out of you after the scene is over. Talking is important! Communication is key!

I’m not saying you should forget your happiness because of course, if you have a good Domme, her focus IS your happiness. All I am saying is that during a scene, if you keep these things in mind, I think it will help you find that special place where you are outside of yourself and your problems, and you are in a pure submissive state. That’s the peace you’re chasing, so hopefully these tips can help you find it!