In my experience, a lot of BDSM is getting into the headspace required for play. Anyone planing to do a scene; Sub, Dom, or otherwise has to access the place in their head where those feelings come from, to get into the right mood to play.
I am mostly a Domme, and so for me, getting into my headspace has often involved throwing on some metal and setting out my toys.
But I’ve encountered a wrinkle in this preparation. I never noticed before how much my internal sense of strength and value as a person played into my persona.
For the first time in my life, my world is small. I am in a place where things are very spread out and a car is required for anything. I don’t have a car yet (it is being shipped.) Because of my lack of transportation, I am also without a job or friends. I haven’t been able to meet anyone except for the housewives I count as neighbors. They are vanilla, and subservient to their husbands in true 1950’s fashion. I guess that’s life on a military base, but I feel as though just being around them pollutes my mind. It infects my thoughts. It takes away some of my power.
I guess it’s hard to explain. But for the first time in my memory I do not feel powerful. I feel useless; trapped in a house with nothing near by.
And this has effected my ability to be a good Domme. When one does not feel powerful, how can one act powerful? How can I find the headspace I need when all the influences around me are contrary?
It is a short-lived problem. My car should be here next week, and with it comes the ability to meet peope I have been talking to online, to get a job, and to go out and be ME again.
But it has given me pause. I feel that I must not be the only powerful person to find themselves in a powerless place for a short time, and to find that it effects them profoundly.
I look forward reclaiming myself soon. But I am surprised at myself for how I have felt this last month, trapped in a house with no like-minded people around and nothing to do which makes me feel useful or powerful.
It has been a learning experience. That much is for sure.