They’re Tied Up: What now?

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Pre-Scene Ritual

So first, there are pre-scene things you should do. I have written about them before. They are things like discussing scene ideas with your partner, making a welcoming setting with music and toys laid out, and attending to personal grooming such as cutting finger nails and filing off the rough edges. Particularly when bringing in a new person who wasn’t into kink, I recommend a BDSM checklist as part of your pre-scene preparations.

Over time, these pre-scene things often become a ritual which helps you to get into the right head space for kink. Getting into the right head space is really important, so focus on making your pre-scene ritual a time when you gear up for what you want to do.

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Restraints

For most submissives, some sort of restraint is required to get them into their head space. So, you’ll want to consider your options. You can always go quick and dirt and tie someone up with gear ties. They are great on a budget and they are really effective. I use them a lot, because even after 20 years in the scene, I am not trying to be fancy.

That’s just me. You do you. But there is sometimes beauty in simplicity.

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If you want to put more effort into the restraints part, you can buy cuffs and clips and go that route. There are lots of different kinds of restraints if you are willing to spend the money. Spreader bars can be used between cuffs, as well as chains. And you can always clip the cuffs directly to one another if you feel like making your sub into a pretzel for a little while.

You might go all out and make or buy furniture to attach cuffs to. Spanking benches, stocks, and St. Andrew’s Crosses can all be fun. Of course, furniture can also be extremely pricey and take up a lot of space. It’s hard to hide from children, too. Because of this, furniture isn’t for everyone.

If you can’t have furniture at home, remember to look up local dungeons online. You may find that there is somewhere within driving distance where you can try out a sex swing, cross, or spanking bench.

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If you want to be really, really fancy, you can learn shibari and make tying your sub up a prominent part of the scene. This works fine all on its own, or it can be done in conjunction with installing hard points around the house to suspend your sub from or to tie them to.

Remember that shirabi can be dangerous and you can really hurt people if you do it wrong, so learn from competent professionals online or at your local dungeon.

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Scene Ideas: Orgasms

Once your sub is restrained in the method of your choosing, you can move on to other things. If your sub is a girl, I highly recommend that you start with orgasms. People can withstand a lot more pain if they are in a state of arousal. Personally, I am not lucky enough to be one of those girls that can get off from vibration. We’re all different and that is just my cross to bear. And, since fingers are too rough, I require direct clitoral stimulation with a tongue.

Some of my favorite scenes where I was the submissive started with a few orgasms from some very devoted boys who had talented tongues. God bless all the fabulous boys and girls who love to eat pussy. You are the real heroes.

If your girl is lucky enough to get off from vibration, you have options! There are lots of vibrators on the market. However, just skip them all and get the magic wand. I have played with a lot of girls, and I know that it’s a matter of force. The magic wand has the most force behind it, and therefore it does the best job. I know some men get hung up on big vibrators (“It’s bigger than my dick and I don’t like that.”) But just get over it because her orgasms aren’t about you.

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Remember: Unlike men, women only need a minute or two in between orgasms. So you only need to take a brief pause instead of a 20 minute rest.

If your sub is a boy, you don’t want to let him have an orgasm. Men cum, and then they wilt. It’s really boring. That doesn’t mean you can’t tease him. You can! But if you let him have an orgasm, that will probably require a long pause in the scene or be the end of it.

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Scene Ideas: Impact Play

There are lots of different things that you can use for impact play. Be creative if need be! A wooden spoon from the kitchen is a totally valid toy for impact play, as are books in place of paddles. If you are on a budget or if you are traveling, you can use anything.

I have some homemade toys, which were gifts from people (because DIY BDSM can be fun.) For example, I have a ping pong paddle given to us by friends. They covered it with a plastic material with the word “Pet” cut out of it, because that is what I call my husband. They also gave us a homemade whip which is from a material that looks like faux alligator skin.

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I go for simple with restraints. I like gear ties. However, when it comes to impact play, I love my whips and floggers. I think for me, the look of the toys themselves is one of my fetishes. I love the way a flogger looks draped over a chair. I love the way it looks being slowly dragged across someone’s skin. I love the way it looks flying through the air. They are beautiful toys, and from the first time I saw my first flogger, I have been totally hooked.

Remember that with whips and floggers, a steady pace and a figure eight motion is best. Start slow and gradually build intensity over time. With paddles you can also build intensity, or you can go hard and take breaks in between.

The key is really to watch your sub. I had a girl who wanted me to straight-out beat on her for as long as I could with a flogger. The harder, the better. I hit her until my arms were sore and she begged for more. However, some subs are more into the suspense than the actual pain. For them, you want to pause a lot to let them absorb the fact that they are restrained and being hit, and let them enjoy it. It’s often more the idea than the pain, so keep that in mind.

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Scene Ideas: Pushing Your Sub

You also want to do things to push the limits of your submissive. This can mean face-fucking them until they cry. It can mean tightening the nipple clamps until they scream. It can mean working your way from inserting a finger to inserting your entire fist. Get a violet wand and electrocute them in various sensitive areas.

Your goal as a Dominant is to put your submissive into sub space. The restraints are a good start, and so are all the other toys and play. But in the end, you are probably going to need to push their limits in some way in order to really push them into the head space that they want to see.

Remember: You should never push them beyond the boundaries that you have agreed on in your scene negotiations. If they say “no fisting” then you don’t do it. 

However, within the boundaries that your sub has set, it is good to push them as much as you can so that they feel properly abused.

This can mean different things to different people, so you may want to Google and go through lists with your sub and talk about new and different ideas.

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Scene Ideas: Untie Your Sub

Of course the stereotype for BDSM is tying people up and hitting them. It’s what they write about in all the books. However, anything at all can be kinky if you do it in a kinky head space. You may untie your sub and tell them to serve you a glass of lemonade because you need a break. As long as they get the glass, pour the lemonade, and present it to you in the mindset of a sub, it’s still part of the scene. In fact, service-oriented subs often love the chance to make you a sandwich, pour you a drink, serve you your food, and then rub your feet while you eat.

Don’t be bound by the restraints. I know it’s easy to get that way if you learned about kink from popular culture. However, kink is a mindset. Anything at all can be kinky if you make it that way.

Order your sub to kneel for you so you can use them as a foot stool while you watch TV. Order them to rub your feet. Order them to do the helicopter with their penis if they are a boy, or to bounce their boobs for you if they are a girl. Whatever you can think of that would be degrading to them can be fun.

Some people prefer to call this “training,” (as in teaching your sub how to crawl around.) I think this has been built up a lot in books, but it’s not everyone’s fantasy. Personally, I find it to be cumbersome and not as interesting as watching a girl cum over and over or watching a boy squirm while I hit him. However, some subs read a lot of Anne Rice and really want to be “trained.” So, that is another “off leash” activity, if you will pardon the borrowing of a dog-training expression.

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Scene Ideas: Talk

Remember that falling into silence is often the mark of a lazy Dom. Most subs prefer you to talk to them. For example, if you are torturing them by stretching them wide open, maybe narrate as you do.

“Oh look, now I have three fingers in your tight little pussy. I bet you like that, you little slut. And now we’re up to four fingers. Do you like that? Oooo, now I have my whole fist inside of you. I bet you love being stretched open like the whore that you are.”

That kind of thing can help to  make a sub feel like they are being included in the scene. Sometimes a sub can disassociate and disengage (so it’s almost like everything is happening to someone else.) Talking to them keeps them with you in the scene, and forces them to confront the things that are happening to them. That can help push them into sub space more quickly.

Now of course, check with your sub about this. Not all of them like to be talked to. Some prefer to disengage from a scene and just let things happen to them. This is why BDSM is not a one-size-fits-all kind of thing where you can use the same moves on everyone. Each person will have different preferences, and part of the fun of kink is learning the ways that new people want to be tortured.

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After Care

The most important part is After Care. Make sure that you cuddle your sub after each scene. Let them come down from the endorphins.

Once they are calm, it’s always a good idea to talk though the scene and see how they felt about various parts of it. If they felt really excited by the violet wand, but really turned off by the animal-tail butt plug, you want to know that for next time.

A lot of times I run into guys on fetlife.com or on dating websites who want to just play one scene or just have a one-night stand. This is antithetical to everything kink, in my opinion. A good kink relationship involves getting to know someone and learning to know them. A sub has to get to know me to know the right way to get me off. A have to know them to know the right way to hit them. It all takes time, and learning and negotiating is part of the fun.

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Gender is Different for Everyone

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I recently made a transgender woman very angry.

In the kink scene, you meet a lot of transgender folks. It’s a community full of taboos, and since there are such rigid gender stereotypes in most of the world, the “freaks” have to stick together.

And usually I’m good with that. Usually I’m very okay with letting people be whoever the hell they want to be, and to define themselves in any way they like. However, much like religious freedom, your gender identity and gender concepts do not define me. I get to be my own person too.

There was a conversation going on about hormones, and how much they effect a person’s personality. Often, people who mess with their hormones for any reason find themselves truly shocked at the personality changes this can cause. We all like to think that we’re 100% responsible for who we are. But we’re really not. We’re made up of all sorts of chemicals and hormones that effect us much more than we like to admit.

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So I chimed in. Because I had thyroid cancer, and the unbalanced hormones threw everything off. I found myself with more testosterone than a lot of men, plucking thick black facial hair and feeling aggressive all the time. But also, I stopped having my period.

For some girls, that wouldn’t effect their gender identity at all. They would still buy shoes or love styling hair or care about fashion. Or maybe they would still bake and do craft projects. Whatever. Because they were socialized as female, they would still have “female” traits that helped them identify with their gender.

But my dad wanted a son, and he raised me to be a boy. My childhood was all baseball, basketball, remote control cars, and blowing up my sister’s Babie Dolls with fireworks. I never identified with the female gender role cast by society, and I still don’t. So for ME, having a period was the thing that my guy friends teased me about that made me a girl. It was the only thing. I was as strong and fast and brave as them, but I had to buy tampons. And they teased me about it. I don’t mind. Guys often show affection by teasing. It’s part of how we/they are.

However, for me, when my T-levels spiked and I stopped getting my period (which to this day I still don’t get,) that’s when I no longer felt like a girl.

I made the mistake of saying this to the group, when talking about the profound consequences of a change in hormones.

And this transgender girl threw a fit at me. She said I was a horrible person for thinking that having periods has anything to do with being female. She said my idea of my gender was messed up. She totally flipped out on me.

It’s not like I don’t understand why. I get it. She has XY chromosomes and even if she has surgery to change her genitalia when she’s done with the hormones, she’ll still never have a period.

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And you know; that does mean something. Transgender women act like it doesn’t mean something, but it does. It means they will never know the fear of getting pregnant. And they’ll never know the fear of BEING pregnant. So many teenage girls have truly horrific experiences with late periods and serious stress over accidentally finding yourself pregnant. And we stress about birth control. And we stress about the availability of abortions in some cases. An enormous part of being female is the fear of pregnancy and the consequences thereof. So no, trans women can take hormones and get surgery, but for now, that is one part of being female that is forever closed off to them.

Beyond that, it’s ridiculous to tell me that my gender identity can not be effected at all by my not having periods. Of course it can! It’s MY gender identity. I’m not defining anyone else’s gender or telling them how to feel about themselves. I’m just saying that I lost the thing that made ME feel like a girl, and now I mostly feel 100% male. I might live in a girl’s body, but that’s just the outside and I don’t place a lot of value on that. To me, I lost the thing that made me feel like a girl.

And if anyone should understand feeling like a gender whether or not your outsides match, it’s transgender folks.

Mostly I respect them because I would never have the courage to do that. I was born with XX chromosomes, and no matter what I feel like on the inside, my outsides will always reflect that. I’m not getting my breasts removed or having a fake penis installed. I’m not comfortable doing that to my body. But I respect people who do, because they have far more commitment than I do to make their outsides match their insides.

I just think everyone should remember to let people define their own gender how they want. It’s not fair to try to tell others what criteria they should define themselves by.

Legal Issues

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BDSM and the law is a muddy issue. It always has been. And there is no fool-proof way to ensure that you won’t have issues with the law.

There are people out there already writing about this issue, so you can always do some research about the laws where you live.

But here’s a cheat sheet of easy things to do:

1. Make sure that you have signed consent forms. Every sub, every time. There are forms you can download online. (And of course, it doesn’t hurt to have a checklist of things you consent to.)

2. If you’re not “out” as kinky and you have bruises, people are going to wonder. So make sure that you are ready to explain bruises, cuts, or other marks.

3. Always have a plan for if someone calls the cops. Screaming can cause neighbors to call them. Know what you will say.

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Remember; we are all the face of the community. Each of us represents all of us when we interact with the vanilla world. BDSM has become more mainstream, but it is still shrouded in mystery to the vanilla world and some people will have a negative opinion of us from the start.

I may never meet you. We may not know each other. But we are all part of a community, and we should all try to remember that when we have interactions with the vanilla world.

Remember; safe, sane, and consensual!

They’re all tied up. Now what?

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*Note, because it’s usually a guy asking this question, I’m writing this as a guide for a guy as the Dom. That doesn’t mean this is always the case, as of course, I am usually the Domme in my relationships with both men and women. But look; I had to choose pronouns because that is how English works. 

I’ve noticed that a re-occurring question when it comes to BDSM and beginners is: “Okay, I have her tied up. Now what do I do?”

I’ve also noticed that a very common response in kink forums is “strap a vibrator to her and wait for her to cum.”

I have so many problems with all of that. So let’s take it in two parts.

Part One: Why you do not strap a vibrator to her and “wait for her to cum.”

Okay, I know that vibrators work on a lot of girls. I also know that Kink.com features this scenario often, and so that contributes to guys getting the wrong idea.

However, not all girls like vibrators. They also do NOT work on all of them. In fact, they are very unpleasant for some girls. Remember to discuss with your partner what she likes and what toys she is okay with BEFORE applying them to any part of her body. Scene negotiation before play is SO important!

Even if a vibrator does work as a way to get her off, it’s not the only way and it is far too overused in kink porn and in kink couples.

Main tips: Don’t use a vibrator unless she’s okay with it, and even then don’t be lazy and always use it. Also, if you use your finger be gentle and use lube. Or better yet, use your tongue and be gentle.

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Part Two: What to do once she’s tied up…

Some people really freeze up once they have their girl tied and ready to play with. This is understandable when you are new, and thankfully it’s easy to deal with.

Remember that you can still do all the things you would have done if you hadn’t tied her up. Standard vanilla sex stand-by stuff like ear biting and licking, neck kisses and nibbles, playing with nipples, licking her pussy, fucking her, etc…. are still okay things to do when she’s tied up. Those things aren’t off limits once you get some rope on her.

But if you need kinky ideas remember that there are zillions and zillions available on the basic BDSM checklist.

Remember that BDSM is not just about pulling her hair, choking her, or spanking her. It’s about control. It’s about playing roles. If you are being Dominant, then tease her with that fact. Say things like “You’re all tied up now. That means you’re my toy and toy and I can do whatever I want….” (That’s just an example. Please be creative.)

And also remember that you can do nice things for your submissive. You can rub her feet, suck on her toes, kiss all of her skin, rub her back, or wash her hair. You don’t always have to be mean. In fact, a good Dom takes time to appreciate their toys. So keep that in mind, too.

If you are still looking for ideas after going through a BDSM checklist, another good place to look is in erotic fiction. This is because men are more drawn to visual stimulation and so usually watch porn. But in general, women are less visual and more conceptual about sexual stimulation. So, they often read and write erotic fiction.

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Now, it’s good to know when you take advice who it’s coming from. So, I am mostly a Domme. Nearly every person that I sleep with subs for me. It’s not even a discussion. It’s just more of an assumption since I have the more dominate personality and I mostly only attract submissives.

However, I do sometimes sub if just the right person comes along. It has to be a very specific sort of person with very specific attitudes about sex. I rarely find this type of person.

Still, I DO have experience on both sides of the whip.

One last closing thought: It pissed me off when I Googled “Master and Sub” and got nothing but pictures of women subbing for men. I hate that the community is so dominated with that. It feels somehow anti-feminist, even though I know that the whole point of feminism is supposed to be having a choice about what role you play in society. I am a switch, but mostly I am a Dominatrix. We are out there. A BDSM couple is NOT just a Dom male and Sub female, and I think it’s important that we all remember that.

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Setting Up a Scene

Some paperwork and my Domme hat

Some paperwork and my Domme hat

I was asked to walk through setting up a stand-alone scene involving sex. I am going to give that a shot now. (Remember I don’t  have that much experience outside a dungeon, and my ideas are not meant to be taken as anything other than suggestions.) To define what I mean; stand alone scenes would be those that are not part of a relationship. Both parties have agreed they want to play, but they are not dating.

To start, I like to do paperwork. (Pictured above).

Yes, this can feel really silly sometimes. Paperwork is not the first thing most people think of when they think of sex. So let me explain why I do it.

1. Submissives often feel nervous about telling me what they want and what their boundaries are. In addition, many service-oriented subs are most interested in pleasing the person they are allowing to Dominate them, and so that further complicates things because they’re both shy about talking, and not keeping their own desires and limits in mind. It can make it hard to get solid answers to things. Having a checklist with “yes” and “no” is nice and solid.

2. There is a certain amount of nervousness that is always involved in playing with someone. If you don’t know the person well, that can be compounded quite a bit. Paperwork is a nice way to easy into things. You’re talking about sex and that makes things start to get exciting. But, it’s structured and feels safe.

3. If you plan to hit a person hard enough to leave marks, it never hurts to have a checklist where they said they wanted that (just in case). Most people are sane and nice enough. However, the odd crazy person can slip by and having consent forms and a checklist of things your submissive agreed to may not get you out of trouble, but it sure as hell won’t hurt.

I like to make tea during the whole paperwork experience. This is because it helps calm a person if they are sipping tea, since it’s such a normal activity. Also though, it sets a time limit. You have a cup of tea, but then it’s time to begin the scene. To clarify; I don’t mean a set-in-stone kind of thing. I just mean that in your head you can keep in mind that a cup of tea is about the right amount of time for a scene negotiation, and that when you clean up the teas cups you can sort of lead into play from there. It’s a nice way to naturally transition.

Dressing up helps too, in my opinion

Dressing up helps too, in my opinion

Second; clothes!

Sure, in a relationship you might not care about what you wear. I know a couple who like to play in pajamas because they want to be comfy while they play. That’s totally cool and like I always say; do your own thing! However in a stand-alone scene, I find that clothes can add an air of credibility to something that might otherwise feel uncomfortable. It’s hard to explain why, but it’s one of those things that I have noticed from trying it both ways. My guesses as to why it works are:

1. Big Domme boots and a scary hat and tend to help people find subspace. Playing with someone you don’t really know, it can be hard to feel trusting enough to go into subspace with them. However, there is just something about the boots that gets people’s attention and makes them feel more compliant.

2. I usually slip into the Domme role fine and feel 100% at home there. However some people can trigger a moment or two of nervousness or doubt. The right clothes can really give a person confidence though- as any social scientist will tell you. A big part of having the right head-space is often dressing the part.

Of course there is probably more to it, and it may be different for everyone. I can only speak to my own experience. It just seems to me that clothes make a big difference.

Make sure your toys are laid out and in easy reach

Make sure your toys are laid out and in easy reach

This is pretty obvious I guess, but make sure the toys you plan to use are all laid out. This allows your submissive to inspect them first and make sure they feel okay with everything. They may want to test the size of a ball gag or make sure a dildo doesn’t look too big. And of course, it also makes it easier for you later when you’re actually playing the scene.

I don’t have a picture for the last one. It’s common sense of course, but make sure to avoid leaving anything sharp or dangerous out. You may throw your submissive around. They may stumble. It’s best to make extra sure that all sharp edges and dangerous things are out of your play space. Also make sure there is nothing that will be in your way when you swing a whip or flogger or whatever.

In general, I focus on creating the best experiences I can. That means attention to detail, and it also means being mindful of all the little things you can do to set up a scene beforehand. That way, when you start to play, you’ll have nothing to worry about but the way you and your partner or partners feel.