Getting Someone Into Kink

images (1)

Question: How do I get my significant other into kink?

I got a lot of questions over the holiday season from readers that went something like this:

“I got my wife a bunch of kink toys for Christmas. How do I get her to use them with me? She’s not into kink, but I want her to be.”

After sighing deeply and feeling extremely sorry for those women, I wrote back to say the following:

download (1).jpg

First, put the sex toys in the closet and go buy your wife something she actually wanted. It is the height of assholery to buy someone else a present that is actually for you. If you think that is okay, then you are a bad person and you should not be allowed to date until you figure out how to be less selfish.

Okay, so now that we have that out of the way, how do you get someone to be interested in kink?

Well, you need to stop talking in terms of your own wants, and start talking in terms of the other person’s wants.

Remember that changing the behavior of another person means that you have to appeal to them. Trying to force someone to do something because you want it only leads to resentment down the road (which is how you ruin your relationship in slow motion.)

So, ask your partner what they want. Then listen. Then build on it.

download (5)

Unfortunately this advice has been misunderstood by others. I thought it was pretty straightforward, but it turns out that I was wrong. So let me be very explicit this time:

Take your partner to dinner. Take them home and have considerate and loving sex with them. Make sure they have an orgasm. (Which, as I have said before, does not happen from just penetration so use your tongue or a vibrator on her clit for that to happen.)

After sex when you are laying in the dark basking in the glow of happy feelings that you get after sex, ask them about their fantasies. Probe them gently about what they think about when they are alone. Do they think any toys sound interesting? Are they curious about the stuff from that book that all women read that was a shitty representation of BDSM but which did involve some spanking and whipping?  Have they ever wondered about what other things you two might be able to do?

No matter what they ask for: Say YES!

This is so important. If your significant other asks you to fist them, or have a threesome with a guy, or anything at all, you say yes and you do it. Never ever tell them “no” about their sexual fantasies or they will not share more. Say “yes,” and then do whatever they asked you to do.

The reason for this is that sex is a rabbit hole. Once you start to experiment, it just keeps going. If your partner tries something they dreamed of and it makes them happy, then they will feel like fantasies really can come true. This will lead to other fantasies. In time, the experimentation will lead to more and more “hard core” things, and soon you will be able to take those toys you bought out of the closet and she will be excited to try them.

Now, I wrote back saying this to the men who asked me. You would think they would say: “Thank you for the advice.” However, you would be wrong. To a man, they told me that I was wrong, and that their wife/partner was perfectly happy with the boring sex they always have. One guy actually said to me:

“My wife was a virgin when we met and she is totally satisfied right now with the sex that we are having. She always has been. It’s just me that is bored.”

download (2)

All I can say is:

You are lying to yourself, but that doesn’t mean I like it when you lie to me.

Your wife is bored. She is bored out of her goddamn mind. I know this because studies have shown that women get bored with sex far quicker than men do. In one study, men were asked if they still enjoyed having sex with their wives. They mostly said that they never got tired of fucking their wives, and even though they might have fantasized about variety from time to time, it did not mean that they didn’t want to keep fucking their wives.

Actually it comes up again and again. In studies of why men cheat, they always say that it is not because they stopped loving their wife, or that they stopped wanting to have sex with her. They simply wanted variety. However, they still wanted to fuck their wives.

The same is not true for women. Women get bored very easily. This may be down to biology. It has been suggested that all women want to be gang-banged by as many men as possible so that the best sperm can win and create the best offspring. Or, it may simply be down to men being bad at sex (not knowing how to get a woman off and joking about the “myth of the female orgasm.”)

Many women do say that they didn’t know how to tell their husband that they were stick of him pounding away and then going “Did you cum?” After all, of course they didn’t! That is not how women get off. Some of the poor dears don’t even know how they get off, and they think an orgasm is just “feeling nice” so they imagine that they have had one. I have talked to these women and tried to explain that, “No sweety, you are supposed to have a climax just like your husband. It’s not a ‘good feeling’ at all. It’s an orgasm. It’s an amazing feeling.”

Whatever the case, women initiate nearly 70% of all divorces now, and leading psychologists theorize that this is due to a lack of sexual satisfaction which makes them feel like they have “fallen out of love” with their husbands. In many cases, they really haven’t fallen out of love; they are just sick of having bad sex. Many women who initiate divorces say “My vibrator actually gets me off, and it doesn’t expect me to do its laundry.

I would suggest that men are in denial. They watch porn and have a false idea of how women achieve orgasm, and this is the main reason (in my experience) that women initiate most divorces.

download

The point: No, your wife is not “perfectly satisfied.” It takes a lot more to satisfy a woman than it does to satisfy a man (which is why I got lazy and married a man.) Your wife will never be perfectly satisfied, which is why you need to constantly work to keep things interesting if you want to keep her.

I have been extremely interested over the last 30 years or so as I watched the entire discussion around marriage shift. It used to be something that women wanted, and men didn’t. Now there is new research showing that, due to the societal expectations placed on women in marriage, it is no longer desirable to them. They are expected to work full-time jobs, and still do most of the housework and childcare. They are expected to give up their identity by taking their husband’s name, and also give that name to any children they have (even though they literally make those children inside their own bodies.)

Women have started reading about how other cultures do not force women to take their husband’s names, and cultures where children belong to the women without question, since she makes them. They are reading about sperm cells made from their own bone marrow, meaning that men are no longer necessary to have children at all. And, they are realizing that boyfriends bring over flowers and chocolate, while husbands snore and make a mess.

This is probably why women who are married are less healthy, and why they report lower levels of happiness than their single counterparts.

Meanwhile, married man lived longer and reported higher levels of happiness.

I was so shocked by the guy who said that his wife was “perfectly satisfied” and I actually still haven’t written back. I was just so blown away by the level of denial that he was in, and by the absolute lack of understanding of his place in a changing society.

Side Note: When I married my husband he was pretty boring in bed, too. Don’t take it from me, because he will admit it as well. I painstakingly trained him over the course of about a year. And now, when I whore him out to my friends, they don’t have enough nice things to say. It’s wonderful when people appreciate your hard work, isn’t it? So ladies, please train men instead of throwing them away after faking an orgasm. If we all work together, we CAN teach them how to stop sucking in bed.  

download (3)

So listen up, men:

Statistically speaking, your wife likely dreams of being fucked by man after man in an endless succession. She probably dreams about each of them going down on her and licking the cum of the previous man away while stimulating her clit until she comes again and again (because we can have multiple orgasms.)

She probably thinks she is falling out of love with you every time she starts to get bored in bed because you are just sticking your cock in, pumping until you get off, and then falling asleep. And, according to statistics, it is more likely that she will end up leaving you than that you will ever leave her.

Your wife probably has more fantasies than you do about a wider variety of things, and she probably read 50 Shades of Grey and wanted someone to spank her, whip her, and eat her out like it was their job even while she was on her period.

Please stop acting like your wife could not possibly be bored.

AND, you are a shitbag if you get her sex toys that you want for Christmas. Buy her some damn jewelry and give her the sex toys only when she brings them up. And stop writing to me and saying stuff that makes me absolutely shocked at how shitty most men are.

Side note: My husband, on the other hand, would prefer that you keep writing to me saying shitty things that prove how clueless most men can be. He knows that as long as you keep making all other men look like complete jackoffs, I will keep being grateful to have him. 

 

Boyfriend

If you Google “Boyfriend” the first thing that comes up is a happy couple where the women looks like she is in love.

 

images

If you Google “husband” you get a women trying to talk to a man and him looking annoyed. This is because we all know that many women get unhappy in marriages.

 

They’re Tied Up: What now?

images (1).jpg

Pre-Scene Ritual

So first, there are pre-scene things you should do. I have written about them before. They are things like discussing scene ideas with your partner, making a welcoming setting with music and toys laid out, and attending to personal grooming such as cutting finger nails and filing off the rough edges. Particularly when bringing in a new person who wasn’t into kink, I recommend a BDSM checklist as part of your pre-scene preparations.

Over time, these pre-scene things often become a ritual which helps you to get into the right head space for kink. Getting into the right head space is really important, so focus on making your pre-scene ritual a time when you gear up for what you want to do.

images (2)

Restraints

For most submissives, some sort of restraint is required to get them into their head space. So, you’ll want to consider your options. You can always go quick and dirt and tie someone up with gear ties. They are great on a budget and they are really effective. I use them a lot, because even after 20 years in the scene, I am not trying to be fancy.

That’s just me. You do you. But there is sometimes beauty in simplicity.

20121220_125421

If you want to put more effort into the restraints part, you can buy cuffs and clips and go that route. There are lots of different kinds of restraints if you are willing to spend the money. Spreader bars can be used between cuffs, as well as chains. And you can always clip the cuffs directly to one another if you feel like making your sub into a pretzel for a little while.

You might go all out and make or buy furniture to attach cuffs to. Spanking benches, stocks, and St. Andrew’s Crosses can all be fun. Of course, furniture can also be extremely pricey and take up a lot of space. It’s hard to hide from children, too. Because of this, furniture isn’t for everyone.

If you can’t have furniture at home, remember to look up local dungeons online. You may find that there is somewhere within driving distance where you can try out a sex swing, cross, or spanking bench.

download (1)

If you want to be really, really fancy, you can learn shibari and make tying your sub up a prominent part of the scene. This works fine all on its own, or it can be done in conjunction with installing hard points around the house to suspend your sub from or to tie them to.

Remember that shirabi can be dangerous and you can really hurt people if you do it wrong, so learn from competent professionals online or at your local dungeon.

download (7)

Scene Ideas: Orgasms

Once your sub is restrained in the method of your choosing, you can move on to other things. If your sub is a girl, I highly recommend that you start with orgasms. People can withstand a lot more pain if they are in a state of arousal. Personally, I am not lucky enough to be one of those girls that can get off from vibration. We’re all different and that is just my cross to bear. And, since fingers are too rough, I require direct clitoral stimulation with a tongue.

Some of my favorite scenes where I was the submissive started with a few orgasms from some very devoted boys who had talented tongues. God bless all the fabulous boys and girls who love to eat pussy. You are the real heroes.

If your girl is lucky enough to get off from vibration, you have options! There are lots of vibrators on the market. However, just skip them all and get the magic wand. I have played with a lot of girls, and I know that it’s a matter of force. The magic wand has the most force behind it, and therefore it does the best job. I know some men get hung up on big vibrators (“It’s bigger than my dick and I don’t like that.”) But just get over it because her orgasms aren’t about you.

images (1)

Remember: Unlike men, women only need a minute or two in between orgasms. So you only need to take a brief pause instead of a 20 minute rest.

If your sub is a boy, you don’t want to let him have an orgasm. Men cum, and then they wilt. It’s really boring. That doesn’t mean you can’t tease him. You can! But if you let him have an orgasm, that will probably require a long pause in the scene or be the end of it.

images (4)

Scene Ideas: Impact Play

There are lots of different things that you can use for impact play. Be creative if need be! A wooden spoon from the kitchen is a totally valid toy for impact play, as are books in place of paddles. If you are on a budget or if you are traveling, you can use anything.

I have some homemade toys, which were gifts from people (because DIY BDSM can be fun.) For example, I have a ping pong paddle given to us by friends. They covered it with a plastic material with the word “Pet” cut out of it, because that is what I call my husband. They also gave us a homemade whip which is from a material that looks like faux alligator skin.

images

I go for simple with restraints. I like gear ties. However, when it comes to impact play, I love my whips and floggers. I think for me, the look of the toys themselves is one of my fetishes. I love the way a flogger looks draped over a chair. I love the way it looks being slowly dragged across someone’s skin. I love the way it looks flying through the air. They are beautiful toys, and from the first time I saw my first flogger, I have been totally hooked.

Remember that with whips and floggers, a steady pace and a figure eight motion is best. Start slow and gradually build intensity over time. With paddles you can also build intensity, or you can go hard and take breaks in between.

The key is really to watch your sub. I had a girl who wanted me to straight-out beat on her for as long as I could with a flogger. The harder, the better. I hit her until my arms were sore and she begged for more. However, some subs are more into the suspense than the actual pain. For them, you want to pause a lot to let them absorb the fact that they are restrained and being hit, and let them enjoy it. It’s often more the idea than the pain, so keep that in mind.

images (3).jpg

Scene Ideas: Pushing Your Sub

You also want to do things to push the limits of your submissive. This can mean face-fucking them until they cry. It can mean tightening the nipple clamps until they scream. It can mean working your way from inserting a finger to inserting your entire fist. Get a violet wand and electrocute them in various sensitive areas.

Your goal as a Dominant is to put your submissive into sub space. The restraints are a good start, and so are all the other toys and play. But in the end, you are probably going to need to push their limits in some way in order to really push them into the head space that they want to see.

Remember: You should never push them beyond the boundaries that you have agreed on in your scene negotiations. If they say “no fisting” then you don’t do it. 

However, within the boundaries that your sub has set, it is good to push them as much as you can so that they feel properly abused.

This can mean different things to different people, so you may want to Google and go through lists with your sub and talk about new and different ideas.

images (6).jpg

Scene Ideas: Untie Your Sub

Of course the stereotype for BDSM is tying people up and hitting them. It’s what they write about in all the books. However, anything at all can be kinky if you do it in a kinky head space. You may untie your sub and tell them to serve you a glass of lemonade because you need a break. As long as they get the glass, pour the lemonade, and present it to you in the mindset of a sub, it’s still part of the scene. In fact, service-oriented subs often love the chance to make you a sandwich, pour you a drink, serve you your food, and then rub your feet while you eat.

Don’t be bound by the restraints. I know it’s easy to get that way if you learned about kink from popular culture. However, kink is a mindset. Anything at all can be kinky if you make it that way.

Order your sub to kneel for you so you can use them as a foot stool while you watch TV. Order them to rub your feet. Order them to do the helicopter with their penis if they are a boy, or to bounce their boobs for you if they are a girl. Whatever you can think of that would be degrading to them can be fun.

Some people prefer to call this “training,” (as in teaching your sub how to crawl around.) I think this has been built up a lot in books, but it’s not everyone’s fantasy. Personally, I find it to be cumbersome and not as interesting as watching a girl cum over and over or watching a boy squirm while I hit him. However, some subs read a lot of Anne Rice and really want to be “trained.” So, that is another “off leash” activity, if you will pardon the borrowing of a dog-training expression.

download (9)

Scene Ideas: Talk

Remember that falling into silence is often the mark of a lazy Dom. Most subs prefer you to talk to them. For example, if you are torturing them by stretching them wide open, maybe narrate as you do.

“Oh look, now I have three fingers in your tight little pussy. I bet you like that, you little slut. And now we’re up to four fingers. Do you like that? Oooo, now I have my whole fist inside of you. I bet you love being stretched open like the whore that you are.”

That kind of thing can help to  make a sub feel like they are being included in the scene. Sometimes a sub can disassociate and disengage (so it’s almost like everything is happening to someone else.) Talking to them keeps them with you in the scene, and forces them to confront the things that are happening to them. That can help push them into sub space more quickly.

Now of course, check with your sub about this. Not all of them like to be talked to. Some prefer to disengage from a scene and just let things happen to them. This is why BDSM is not a one-size-fits-all kind of thing where you can use the same moves on everyone. Each person will have different preferences, and part of the fun of kink is learning the ways that new people want to be tortured.

05d8e5a156014d8bd7eeae1b74339982--kinky-kitten-kawaii-girl

After Care

The most important part is After Care. Make sure that you cuddle your sub after each scene. Let them come down from the endorphins.

Once they are calm, it’s always a good idea to talk though the scene and see how they felt about various parts of it. If they felt really excited by the violet wand, but really turned off by the animal-tail butt plug, you want to know that for next time.

A lot of times I run into guys on fetlife.com or on dating websites who want to just play one scene or just have a one-night stand. This is antithetical to everything kink, in my opinion. A good kink relationship involves getting to know someone and learning to know them. A sub has to get to know me to know the right way to get me off. A have to know them to know the right way to hit them. It all takes time, and learning and negotiating is part of the fun.

download

The Other Side of “Be Welcoming”

stressed-guy

Recently I wrote about how it’s nice to be welcoming to new people. This is because someone I love in Phoenix was thinking about going to his first munch, and I didn’t want him to feel out of place. When I wrote that, I was thinking about it from the point of view of the newbie.

However, it turns out I can have more than one point of view. I realized that a few hours ago.

Today I logged into fetlife.com and got yet another message from someone who is ‘curious’ about what it’s like to submit to a woman:

“Well [I am curious about] the aspect of you being a Domme. I am very curious about becoming a sub. I have spent so much of my life in all aspects of, being a dominate type a alpha, I’m very intrigued in surrendering, submitting and giving up all control to a lady. So I’m curious what your take on that would be.”

So this is someone who is new to the community and I had just said we should be welcoming, right?

But it turns out that I am so tired of being welcoming. Every one of these messages I get (and why do they all have a picture of their dick as their profile?) is the same. They have always been the same, since 20 years ago when I was going to APEX get-togethers in Tempe, Arizona after High School.

No one with any experience ever sends me an interesting message about wanting to play. It’s always newbies expecting me to instruct them on the ways of kink.

download

I would like to publicly admit that I am a hypocrite and kind of an asshole.

Yes, I really am.

Because my response was:

“I am sorry. It’s just I am way past the stage of ‘curiosity.’ I have been in the community for 20 years and worked as a professional Dominatrix. So I have had 20 years of guys who are ‘curious’ asking me to tell them what it’s like to be dominated by a lady. It’s actually WHY I started my kink blog.

No offense, of course. I just have done enough teaching, and workshops, and bringing people into the fold. My interest at this point in my life is in meeting someone who already knows what they like/want out of life and kink, so that I don’t have to do all the work anymore.”

So I realized that I should have been more specific in my first post.

I guess what I meant was that it’s good to be friendly to new people at a munch. But if someone on fetlife asks you to take on the enormous task of teaching them about the community and being their mentor, well, that is another story.

I didn’t realize until I replied to the fetlife message above how sick I am of being so nice all the time. I am sick of helping new people find their way into the community and holding their hands. I don’t want to do it anymore. And now when anyone asks me “I want to know what it’s like to be dominated by a woman” I can’t bring myself to care even a little.

Good for you, person who is new to kink and curious.

I hope you find a great mentor who will make you love kink as much as I do.

I just don’t want it to be me.

aaeaaqaaaaaaaaynaaaajgmzotbmmmnllwu3zmutndy3mc05ndg4ltg4njlmmgq2nznjnq

Promoting Your Blog

299bd531963b3840473e95470f2e8f3a

I have never actually promoted this blog.

I wouldn’t really know how to start, I guess. I have had a few guest posts over the years, and those have helped gather me a few loyal fans.

I have even done a few guest posts as well, because I am told that is an important thing to do in order to network in the blogging world.

20130911_081539

In addition, I have written about some popular places like Club Desire, and that has helped me gain a few followers as well. And there’s posts about awesome places like The Velvet Rope and the CSPC. That helps.

It’s been three years, and I still only get about 150 hits a day on the site. However, I consider that pretty good when I think about how I started out “screaming into the void” without a single follower.

ball_gag

However, I do want to ask for advice. I don’t want to hire an SEO company or anything sketchy like that.

I am just curious how other people promote their blogs, or if you had any suggestions. I am hardly a professional blogger. I just do this in my free time. However, I know some of you that read are professional bloggers, and I thought you might have tips.

As always, you can get in touch with me via my email at ladyvioletemail@gmail.com

(Or you can leave a comment on this post, of course.)

Thanks for reading!

bdsm-heels

Just to Pester You

FB_IMG_1466033678048

 

I am sure you aren’t that interested.

Everyone hates that one friend who writes books and then wants you to care that they wrote books.

I get that.

But I did write some books… and I would like you to care.

You can find Book One here, and Book Two here.

Book Three should be out soon, and then the trilogy will be done.
20160626_174436

I even started a blog to write about the experience of writing novels, because I thought it might help with the publicity thing.

I mean, being an author isn’t a way to get rich.

But it would be cool if you could read one the books. Or at least, pretend you read them and encourage me.

I could use the help.

fb_img_1465854638536

Fantasies Can Be Just That

Gondelman-Taboo-1200-630-29135526

I always remind people that it’s okay to want to act out sexual fantasies, but to remember that they don’t have to act out every fantasy they ever have.

Most women have a gang bang fantasy, for example. This is perfectly normal because we did evolve from moneys, and we still have the instincts to collect a variety of genetic material. (This is because competition is essential if we want the best of everything.) Anyway, this is a fine fantasy to have, but it can be a dangerous one to play out unless you know all the men, and you have STD tests from all of them. If not, you run the risk of getting sick.

Now, some people have different risk tolerances than others. It may be that I think something is a perfectly acceptable risk, but you think it’s reckless. When I rode a motorcycle, a lot of people chastised me for being reckless with my life. But, I thought the risk of death or serious injury was low, and so I chose to ride.

secret

But there are other things besides risk that may stop you. You may be in a monogamous relationship with a partner. Or, you may be in an open relationship with a partner, but they would be upset by your specific fantasy. (Example: A cuckold fantasy you have might not be okay with your partner. Maybe they are okay with you sleeping around, but not while they are there/have to think about it.)

And of course, you may be stopping yourself. Many people who have been raped have rape fantasies (because rape fantasies are really common anyway) but they can’t act on them because it would bring up unpleasant memories. Or, they may be too afraid to ask for those things from a partner who knows they have been through a trauma, because they worry that it will make it look as though they are over the trauma, or like it was never that bad.

I wrote a lot about tolerance when I was doing the Fetish Series. And, I thought about it a lot too. How often do we judge someone for their desires? How often do we make people feel bad for who they are? And I don’t believe for a moment that we can control our fantasies. I really do believe that they are involuntary and come from a part of our mind that is wild.

stock-footage-man-telling-a-secret-to-a-surpirsed-girl

And, if our fantasies are as impossible to control as our sexual orientation, then maybe we should be more careful about judging them. Why knows where ideas come from? Hasn’t every writer tried to define the origin of the muse and failed? So let’s not condemn each other for fantasies that we have, or be afraid to tell people.

While accepting that it’s okay to share fantasies and accepting that we shouldn’t judge them, let’s also realize that having a fantasy doesn’t mean you have to do it. Sometimes it’s just fun to dream. We as kinksters often get caught up in living all of our fantasies because we live some of the fantasies that society considers taboo. And that is awesome; I’m not saying that it’s not.

Still, let’s always be willing to admit that some things are just fun to dream about, and there are some things that we might never do. And that’s okay. Staying in your comfort zone is okay.

Safe, sane, and consensual!

guy-telling-a-secret

Fetish Series: Review

3g_kink02

It’s been fun doing a series that explores some fetishes in the kink community. I hope you have enjoyed reading! I know that there are about a million more fetishes that we didn’t talk about, and new ones pop up all the time.

However, I just wanted to touch on some of the most talked about fetishes and explore what a fetish is.

If you have suggestions for future posts about a specific fetish, e-mail them to me and I will consider them.

For now, let’s go back to my regular writing about kink life.

Fetish Series posts:

21ac6a59cbb45245bc3951deecc5a10f

One: Age play.

(A discussion of different kinds of play related to age as a fetish.)

abc_ntl_swingers_120521_wg

Two: Swinging & Orgies.

(A discussion of swinging, orgies, and other forms of group play.)

18fc9997f71819f51c851032d72f6258

Three: Clothes.

(A discussion of various clothing-related fetishes.)

download

Four: Impact Play.

(A discussion of whips, paddles, and spankings.)

lrgscaleFETISH LOVERS FANTASY KIT

Five: Bondage.

(A discussion of bondage and various ways to go about it.)

cosplay-2

Six: Role Play.

(A discussion of types of role play a couple/group might engage in.)

e7399660450a2e38422b96d060c92bfc

Seven: Bodily Fluids.

(A discussion of body fluids as a fetish, from blood to scat.)

534273871_1280x720

Eight: Pushing Boundaries.

(A discussion of more extreme things that are fetisized by some.)

04-couples-boudoir

Nine: Pictures and video.

(A discussion of pictures and video as a fetish, and why you should be cautios of this.)

Make sure to like and comment on the ones you thought were the most interesting!