Stop Being Shitty Doms

I was speaking recently with someone who considers himself to be a “Dom.” I note that he considers himself a Dom, but I will also point out that I do not. I consider him to be abusive. I consider anyone who wants to get all the benefits and give nothing back to be abusive, and you should too.

The person in question does not care for his sub at all. He doesn’t tell her that she’s pretty, buy her gifts, or even ask her about her day. He just expects her to do things for him, and he doesn’t think he owes her anything in return.

That is not BDSM. That is abuse. If you are in a relationship like this you part of an abusive relationship.

Ladies (and men) who are submissive, I hope you will hear me on this one:

Your Dom owes you care and attention in return for your submission. You are owed respect for offering yourself to serve, you are owed aftercare when a scene in done, and you are owed orgasms. There are plenty of Doms out there, and it’s not hard to find one who will take good care of you. You don’t need to put up with someone who doesn’t treat you well.

And yes, I practice what I preach. I care for my Pet and always make sure that his needs are met. His happiness is -in part- my responsibility (since he has agreed to serve me.) So, of course I tell him that he is beautiful at least twice a day and cuddle him all the time. Of course I buy him presents and tell him how special he is and hold him after a scene. Of course I rub his back when he doesn’t feel good and make him food.

Anyone worth a shit will do this.

Please, let’s not perpetuate this culture of abuse. If you see someone being abusive, say something. I’ve heard enough guys brag about how they never do anything for their submissives and they don’t care about them at all. I’m sick of it. That’s why I told this wanna-be “Dom” that he can’t expect everything from his sub and give nothing in return. Sure, he got mad. So what? Fuck anyone who thinks it’s okay to be abusive and to hide their behavior under the guise of kink.

If you can’t care for a pet, then don’t adopt.

Being in a Slump

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So I have actually talked a lot about this subject before.

For example, I’ve written before about setting up a scene. And, I’ve written about enticing your Domme.  I think both of these posts kind of address what to do when you’re in a slump:

Set up a scene the way you want it, and entice your partner to join you.

Relationships (of all types) do take work. People get comfortable, they get bored, and they get exhausted with life sometimes. It’s normal to feel that way, and it doesn’t mean that anything is wrong with you.

That said, I was asked to address the specific aspect of kink as it relates to health (or lack thereof.)

This is actually really important because more than half of the Millennial generation suffers from some kind of chronic illness. There’s a lot of autoimmune diseases out there. It didn’t used to be so prevalent, but it is now thanks to our irresponsible policies concerning radiation (I won’t go into that because it’s not what this blog is about, but I put a link to a government study admitting that they poisoned us.)

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First, I want to point out two things that I think are really important:

1. Kink isn’t only about sex.

2. Relationships aren’t only about sex.

If you are too sick to set up a scene and entice your Domme, that’s fine. There’s is plenty of value in cuddling on the couch with your head in their lap while they pet you. There is value in bringing your Domme her heating pad when her back hurts. The act of serving your Domme and of being cared for by her is part of a healthy kink relationship, and it’s every bit as important as sex.

A lot of us feel pressured to live up to some ideal of what someone else is doing or what someone else has. But when a friend asked me to write about kink and chronic illness I was like “It’s not just you- that’s me too. We’re all sick.

My point is, you don’t need to impress some mythical person who has sex twice a day. You don’t even need to impress your healthy friend who has sex once a week (which honestly- do they really?)

Stay confident. Stay content. Your life is good enough even if all you can manage is once a month. You’re still kinky and your relationship is still valid. You don’t have to prove anything to anyone. You just have to find out what you can handle, and do that.

You are good enough.

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I Don’t Feel Like Prancing

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I have moved to a new place, and I should be out getting to know people. However, I’ve been battling some pretty serious health issues lately, and I just haven’t had the energy. (I’m really old.)

Being laid up gives you time to scroll. I do spend time reading and doing things that are better for me, but I spend more time than I should scrolling. It makes me think about how saddened I am by the BDSM community (and the world at large) these days. There’s just so much attention-seeking, and everyone is fighting for “likes” and “shares” and validation.

We didn’t used to be like that.

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I hate to be that shitty old person who is like “Things were better in my day…” But a meetup back when I was younger was more about talking to like-minded people and sharing a connection over our mutual freakishness. I loved that.

Now, you go to a meetup and there’s a bunch of people just assessing you as “fuckable” or “not fuckable” and there’s so much less productive conversation. I don’t even think it’s generational. It’s older kinksters at these meetups too. I think it’s just what we’ve become.

It’s like everyone is out to commodity every relationship in some way and see what value the other person can have or what validation they can give.

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I’m not touchy-feely as a rule (probably due to being raped- which really did put me off strangers.) But when I spoke at this convention a couple years ago, everyone there was really upset by my standoffishness. They’ve reduced the concept of “connection” to touching, which is not at all the same thing.

I’m tired of feeling like the only thing going on in the kink space is a meat market full of peacocks.

I don’t know… I guess I’m just not looking forward to doing it all again. I’m too exhausted to smile and validate people and act like I care what they think of me. Why don’t we have munches for those of us who are deeply cynical, don’t care about attention or validation, and who just want to bullshit with other freaks? I don’t feel like putting on my slut-costume and prancing right now, so can we just hang out and chat?

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BDSM Resources

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It’s been a while since I’ve done a post about helpful resources for new kinksters, so I guess I’ll do one.

First, it’s awesome to learn from the people who are out there putting in the time to teach. I highly recommend Jay Wiseman, Midori, The Knotty Boys, and Janet Hardy. I’m not much of a teacher myself, even though I do my best to mentor the kinklings. But the real pros have more information and it’s better organized. Look to them.


Here’s Hardwire


Second, it’s all about head space. Where you exist in your mind is where it’s at. You can have a kink relationship with a vanilla person without them even knowing it by choosing to submit or to dominate in your own way and viewing the relationship in those terms in your own head. Seriously, kink happens in the mind.

Since kink is in your head, confidence is your biggest asset when you want to play a scene. For that, I recommend some great music. I like Faderhead, Element a440, Marilyn Manson, and Hardwire. However, you should find what works for you and makes you feel sexy and in the space that you want to be.


Here’s element a440.


Third, don’t buy cheap toy sets from a sex shop. Get some good quality leather that will last longer and be more fun to play with. You can find awesome vendors for cuffs, custom collars, floggers, and paddles. Just do some digging. If you won’t search for independent vendors, at least go through somewhere like Stockroom.com instead of Castle Boutique. (No offense to Castle- but they do carry lower-quality kink gear.)

There’s no “right” or “wrong” way to be you, but the main thing that defines the kink community is our focus on consent. In the vanilla world men touch women without consent and pressure them into things. We’re not like that. You should probably fill out a negotiation form or a BDSM Checklist before you play, and you should make sure never to get pushy and rapey with someone (unless they specifically tell you that their kink is for you to be pushy.) Communication is the best way to avoid confusion so TALK TO EACH OTHER.

Honestly, we make a lot of this stuff up as we go because BDSM is like Polyamory: It’s not represented in culture and there are not examples in your day-to-day life to model. But if you need a mentor, join Fetlife.com and go to a munch to meet people. We’ll help you.


Here’s Faderhead

Teaching

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I haven’t written  in ages because I’ve been really sick (not with a virus; like- the serious kind of sick.)

However, I was inspired to by a girl we’ll call Cupcake. She put out a call on a vanilla social media platform asking for advice on being a Domme. I hooked her up with a link to Midori, (a master) and didn’t think much else about it.

Then she wrote to me again. She had some interactions in the kink space that she wanted to discuss. Of course my initial response was to put her off. I’d never win any prizes in a narcissism contest because I’m firmly convinced that there are a million better teachers out there. But then I thought, well, I’m the most available to her and so I should help.

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As Cupcake and I talked, I felt inspired. I often get sort of bored with life (and kink) for periods of time. I guess it’s partially due to my health problems and partially due to the general existential crisis all conscious beings go through from time to time. Yet, I found myself pulled out of it by seeing kink through fresh eyes, as a new and exciting adventure.

This- when you get right down to it- is why those of us with decades of experience should be teaching and giving back to the newbies. We often feel put-upon when grilled about things we have explained hundreds of times, but we forget that it keeps the love of kink alive inside of us, too. Seeing anything in life through fresh eyes makes it beautiful again.

So, dear followers, find yourself a Cupcake of your own and be a mentor. It’s important so that the newbies learn to treat each other with respect and to value consent above all else. But it’s also important to keep us engaged so we still show up at munches and participate in the conversations.

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How Do We Cope?

I’ve been thinking a lot about my country, and about how hard it is to see it falling apart. I look around the world, and I see that other places have the same problems with rising income inequality and increased xenophobia. I don’t want to debate which is worse: US immigration camps or Australia’s immigrant prison island. Let’s just admit that we’re all doing it wrong.

For those of us who are kinky, this is particularly hard. They are taking down websites on the thin justification that “you could meet a prostitute” on them. We all wonder if our favorite kink sites will be next.

In addition, we see more puritanical laws going into effect. The government is seemingly bent on attacking anyone they don’t deem as “normal.” As a pansexual queergender polyamorous human, that is making me very nervous for obvious reasons. I know many of your feel the same. I have been watching a TV show called The Good Fight in which they tackle some of the issues we face in this new conservative era, but there is nothing out there that is truly representative of our struggle.

So how can we cope with this? How can we live each day in fear? How can we get past our social anxiety and our legitimate concern about being marginalized and get out of bed in the mornings?

For me, the answer is to fight back. I can’t be on the defensive. I can’t be the one always backing down. I have to be the one who sees he bad thing coming and rushes headlong at it like an idiot. That’s how I am going to cope with this.

I have always voted, but now I am pushing my friends about it. I also “came out” to my friends and family on Facebook so they would know that they know someone who is effected by this climate of hate. And, I am writing a series of romance novels to normalize kink.

Now, before you say that there are already some good books out there that portray kinky characters as normal humans, relax. I know that. But there are not enough of them. There are too many people reading “50 Shades of Grey” and thinking that is who we are. There are too many people who read the Beauty Series and think that kink without consent is sexy.

I want to lend my voice to the people who are writing about BDSM in consensual relationships. I want to write about how we slowly come into our own in the kink community after some soul-searching and some effort. So with that in mind, I’d like to tell you about The Jamie Johnson series.

It starts with a main character in a mostly vanilla relationship with only a little kink. She feels unfulfilled but unsure if she can find better (because I think we all started out that way.) In the second book she leaves her mostly vanilla relationship and experiments with a few sex clubs and stuff. And finally, in the third book, she figures out what she really wants and she finds it. As the character evolves and more kink is introduced, you can watch her grow as a person and become more confident and comfortable with who she is. It’s a process that I think any fully realized kinkster had to go through, and it humanizes us for the “normal” folks.

Obviously, I have made sure to include consent as a huge theme. I hope to show people that kink can absolutely be sexy even after a lengthy scene negotiation. I genuinely think that we are easily vilified and portrayed as “other” because people don’t understand us. This is my best attempt at combating that. And they are modeled after vanilla romance novels (of which I read 26 before starting this project to try to understand them.) This will hopefully make them palatable to vanilla people who will then come to see us as normal.

Book One: Love & The Desert
Book Two: Love & The Rose City
Book Three: Hearth & Home

The first two are on sale now on Amazon, and the third will be available in time for the holidays, so please feel free to give a friend the gift of ethical kink this year!

Lifestyle Under Threat

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It’s been two decades since I got into the kink scene for the first time, and so much has changed. Sit back, relax, and let me tell you younglings about how things were back in the day.

In the 90’s, religious groups would advertise fake kink meetups so they could prey upon anyone who showed up. It was mostly Mormons, but Christians did it too. I grew up in Arizona, and there was a kink group called Arizona Power Exchange, or APEX. They advertised their meetups with fliers at popular counter-culture hangouts like The Graffiti Shop on Mill Avenue. Unfortunately, they couldn’t stop Mormon prayer groups from putting out fliers for fake events, and then telling any “sinner” who showed up how they needed to be saved.

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This is how I came to understand that kinky people were discriminated against by society, and it’s also how I came to hate Mormons. I actually wish Hell was real so those fucks could burn in it.

However, it wasn’t just Mormons and other religious nut-balls who preyed upon us. There were a lot of physiologists who saw kink as a disease of the mind. They claimed that things like rape fantasies made you “sick” and “dangerous.” They tried to lure people into special counselling groups and get them on medication, while lying to them about how unusual they were.

The cat is out of the bag, thanks to the Internet. In a new book called Everybody Lies, Seth Stephens-Davidowitz explains that Google searches show us for who we really are, and most of us have rape fantasies and dream of violent sex. So kinky people were not persecuted for being different- as we had always been told. Rather, we were persecuted for doing something that everyone secretly wanted to do, because we were actually doing it.

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It’s ironic, because I remember fellow kinksters saying things like: “They’re just jealous; they wish they had sex like us!” Then we all laughed because it was a joke to us to imagine those bigots being in touch enough with their sexuality to negotiate a scene and play it out. And yet, it turns out it was true. They were always just jealous.

These days, BDSM is no longer in the DSM as a mental disorder. Psychologists and medical doctors are instructed to treat us normally. Sometimes, they actually do.

We got to enjoy the era of CollarMe.com and Fetlife.com and the rise of munches and fetish proms in every city. We got to enjoy kinky people simply going about our lives and being treated with only mild disdain, instead of being thrown in prison. And those younglings who came into the community during this time of openness and acceptance might not realize how dangerous it used to be to be kinky.

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However, our freedoms are under attack. Now that we are threatened, we need to remember what it was like before we were free to meet and be and who we were. We need to look back at our history, and remember that there are people in prison right now for things like having rape fantasies. (Yes, I know one. He was convicted back when kink was still seen as a disorder and we were still considered dangerous.)

They are taking down websites. They use the excuse that these websites “could be used for sex trafficking,” but we all know that is bullshit. My Facebook profile says I am a guy, and I get TONS of spam from hooker-bots on Facebook, so any website can be used for sex trafficking. If I can buy a hooker on Facebook, I can buy one anywhere (since Facebook is where all the old grannies hang out.)

In Congress, they just decided that it’s okay for states to ban gay couples from adopting. This is in spite of all the studies which prove that gay couples are often better parents than straight couples (since they don’t have their kids by accident.)

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If you are a youngling that never lived through a fake kink meetup put on by religious people who blocked the door to keep you from leaving and shouted hateful shit at you, then you might not see the writing on the wall. That is why I am telling you: Attacks on marginalized people like sex workers and gay couples are attacks on us. They are coming at us one subgroup at a time, and they are working hard to criminalize everything about who we are.

What we have built over the years is something I am so proud of. The kink community used to be full of exploitative Doms and abused women. And yet from that, we built a healthy community full of supportive networks of people. We built websites and clubs and spaces where kink could be safe. I am so proud of us and of all the things we have created for safe, sane, and consensual kinky sex.

Seeing the government begin to attack us again is terrifying. Having someone like Mike Pence in the White House is probably the scariest thing I can think of. I know everyone focuses on the buffoon in the spotlight, but he is deeply irrelevant. Pence is the one who is part of the Quiverfull Movement (a group of religious extremists whose ultimate goal is to force all women into the home and to force Christian values and straight vanilla sex on us all.) All the dangerous legislation against us is coming from Pence. And this is something we need to be talking about.

If you are kinky, then politics needs to matter to you. I know it’s easier to avoid it and to just not talk about it, but we can’t do that. We have to fight for the community that we have built, and fight against those who would take our freedom to fuck in fun ways away from us. You might think it can’t get that bad, but it was that bad twenty years ago. It can be again.

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Please vote. Please write to your elected representatives. Please talk to people about the community and how we are just normal folks like them (as opposed to terrifying criminal sinners.) Be open about who you are and how you follow laws. Remind people that CONSENT is our biggest rule.

And as an aside, I wrote a trilogy of books to humanize us. They are modeled after a vanilla romance novel (I read about 30 vanilla romance novels before writing them to get the formula right.) However, the main character is kinky. She starts out a little kinky, and then evolves into a polyamourous dominatrix. The point of the series is to teach vanilla people about consensual kink and how normal and non-threatening it is.

So, if you know a vanilla person who might need that lesson, please buy them The Jamie Johnson Trilogy. It’s not anything super-special to us kink folks (all the kink scenes are pretty tame and standard.) But that is because it’s intent is not to shock. Rather, it is to lull the vanilla folks into a sense of security because we’re just normal human beings who have a few whips and chains in our closet, and it’s not a big deal.

You probably don’t have time to write novels, but any form of activism you choose to do is equally valid. Just fight. Please. We all need to fight for our right to be kinky!