Orientation Series: Sexual

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So far in the orientation series, we have talked about kink/vanilla, gender identity, and poly/monogamous people. The last pizza of the puzzle is a person’s sexual orientation.

Here is some of the things considered to be sexual orientations:

Straight: Attracted to the opposite sex.

Gay: Attracted to the same sex.

Bisexual: Attracted to men and women.

Pansexual: Attracted to everything.

Asexual: Not really attracted enough to anything to want to have sex.

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Now, these are narrow boxes created by narrow people. That means they don’t cover all the shades of sexual orientation that there are. For example, my husband is Heteroflexible. This means that he is mostly attracted to women, but he is also kind of just down to fuck. If there was a line of people of various genders, he would go for the female ones. But, if there is not a willing woman about or if the mood strikes, well then, whatever.

The most important thing to remember about orientation is to not let people force you into a box. People are fluid and adaptable, and they do not belong in boxes. If you are a lesbian who is mostly into girls, but you think you might want to have sex with a boy, then don’t let your lesbian girlfriends dissuade you! Try it. Maybe you’ll like it.

My sexual orientation out of gate was straight. This is because before puberty I still considered myself a boy, rather than what I am now (a boy living in a girl’s body.) And before puberty, I only had eyes for women. There was this girl named Samantha that I can remember wanting to kiss so bad that I thought the whole world must be able to hear my thoughts creaming out of me. I wanted to run my fingers through her hair and touch all of her skin and breathe in her smell. She was tall, blonde, and extremely pretty. I wanted her more than I ever wanted anything.

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I never got Samantha to give me the time of day, but I did find my very own pretty blonde when I was twelve. Her name was Summer, and she actually looked a lot like Samantha. We messed around every time she slept over.

Back then, I never looked at boys. I saw them as friends, but not as anything to be interested in. Girls at school talked about this or that famous boy being hot, and I was unable to think of anything to say. My celebrity Crush was Cindy Crawford. Then later, Angelina Jolie.

I went though puberty the summer before High School (which is really late, and I like to think my sheer determination to be a boy is what delayed it a few years). I started to unwillingly take on some female traits, because as I have said, form sometimes dictates behavior. You might be a boy inside, but you become at least partly female once you start getting periods and realize the enormous burden that your body is dictating that you must carry.

Periods. Birth Control. Pregnancy. Menopause. Holey shit.

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In High School I experimented with dating boys. It didn’t really fit. But then, sex with girls hadn’t exactly fit either (since I couldn’t have sex with them the way I instinctively thought that I should.)

However, I can’t remember being attracted to a boy until college. His name is not important. We called him “Pretty.” He was annoying as hell, but he was so delightfully feminine. He didn’t grow hair on his face because he was Native American. He had soft angles and curves. He wore his hair long. And, he was a moody little bitch. I was in love at first sight. Somehow his feminine qualities made it make sense.

After awhile, I started to genuinely appreciate men. I mean, I still don’t check them out in the streets. I never got that far. And I do still turn my head every time for a pretty woman. BUT, there is something about sex with men that is easy and fun. Their bits fit bits fit with my bits, and if I don’t think about it too much, I can just be in my body instead of in my head.

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However, I have found myself attracted to all sorts of people. Sometimes it’s pheromones (like the court jester I ran away with this one time.)  Sometimes it’s an intellectual attraction, like my rocket scientist. And sometimes it’s just convenient and easy and who cares cuz sex is fun?

I mean, sometimes I think people overthink it too much because it’s just sex. I have had sex with most of my friends, and it’s just one of those things were you think “I wonder what it would be like?” And, if it’s bad, of well. We move on because I am a goddamn adult and I can do that. Sometimes it’s good, and it becomes a thing we just do whenever we are in the same place and it’s not a big deal.

However, I respect that some people really just NEED to be in a box. Those people tend to pick a label, ignore all feelings to the contrary, and try to stick with their entire lives. And hey, that’s cool. If you want to be in a box then you should be. However, I notice that these people can sometimes be really judgmental about people like me. So for those of you who really love to cling to your label and only be one thing: I am totally cool with that. But, you know, leave me alone about what I am into. Because, like, it’s just everything.

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Polyamory Series: Poly & Kinky

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This post is part of an ongoing series of posts on Polyamory, for those who have questions about us. You may want to read the Introduction first to get an idea of what this is all about.

Today, I want to focus on how BDSM is related to the poly lifestyle.

First, let’s look at a generic situation, and then we can look more at specifics.

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In this example you have a straight wife who is submissive. Her husband is a straight male who is dominant.

I tend to think of Poly as an orientation so even if these two matched up perfectly and didn’t need anything from anyone else, I would still argue that they may want to date other people because that is just how they are. I firmly believe that people who are straight and only submissive or only dominant can still have fun and rewarding experiences outside of their primary relationships.

In fact, some people argue that kink can be completely different (and sometimes more fun) with people that they don’t feel as strong of an attachment to. So in the couple above, the man might love his wife too much to feel comfortable really objectifying her. However, that might be her biggest kink. So if she wanted it, she would have to look outside the relationship.

It seems like there is a higher instance of poly people in the kink community, and this may be why.

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Above is me.

I am going to use myself as an example now. It is sort of uncomfortable to do that, but it is easier than trying to make up an example so here goes:

When people ask “what I am” at a munch, there is a lot for me to process. I am a lot of things, and I think all of those things are important and make up who I am. So here are my many orientations.

I am:

1. Poly-amorous, and monogamy has not ever gone well for me.

2. A switch in terms of kink, though I lean more towards Dominance.

3. Pansexual, meaning that I am open to all genders/sexes.

4. About 60% female because of my body and the behaviors that my body dictates, but about 40% male because of how I think and feel. 

I am married to a man who is a switch, but our interactions with each other never switch. I am always a Dom for him, though I can switch or be submissive with other people.

My husband is a switch, but is always submissive with me. He can switch with other people, but our dynamic would make it uncomfortable for him to switch with me.

So polyamory is actually necessary for us to fully express who we are as kinky people. Our kink is part of who we are, and our orientation as poly-amorous people allows us to get everything we need, instead of settling for only one part of the larger whole.

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Of course, this can all get extremely complicated. I once dated two other bisexual switches and none of us ever knew what we wanted, or from whom! But then, that is part of the fun. I know it looks hard from the outside, but you get used to it when it is who you are.

Poly Couples

 

I often meet people who are skeptical about poly-amorous relationships. They tell me no relationship is really happy if the people in it sleep with other people. They are deeply rooted in a cultural stereotype that monogamy is the  only path to a happy relationship.  Videos like the one above (Carrie Underwood- Before He Cheats) sell an idea that sleeping with more than one person is grounds to destroy property and act irrationally. TV shows and movies all sell the same cultural stereotype, and I have yet to see a portrayal of a poly couple that was actually happy.

Now, on this blog I have defended monogamy in the past. I see nothing wrong with it, and I know that it is right for some people. I respect monogamous relationships, and I don’t sleep with people who are in monogamous relationships.

However, I now feel compelled to defend open relationships. This is a post I have been driven to, by a great many people who tell me that I am not really happy. They stand outside my life, and the judge things they cannot possibly understand. And they tell me that I am not really happy with my choices. Because of this, I have finally been forced into a post I never wanted to write, about why I choose not to be monogamous.

First, let me start by saying that I have tried and succeeded at having a monogamous relationship. It lasted for several years. I never cheated once, though I wanted to and often tried to convince him to have threesomes with me and other girls (which he always refused.) So, it’s not like I am just a whore who can’t walk 10 feet without tripping and landing on a penis. I am an evolved human who can control my baser instincts if I must.

Second, I am bisexual. So for me, being monogamous means giving up either girls, or boys. This is hard for me, as I really enjoy both. I am passionate about women in a way I can’t be with men. I fall for them. I am the kind of person who buys flowers and writes poems and tells them that they are beautiful every single day. I love women. But women are complicated. They have several emotions at once, which often keeps them from just wanting to have simple, uncomplicated sex. I like men for their ability to ignore emotions and just have a good time. I also like them for their loyalty. I do not like to have to choose one or the other, when I adore both so much!

And third, I like variety. Yes, you can do many different things with the same person. You can role play and switch around your BDSM roles. You can wear costumes and play parts and you can choose to look them in the eye or not. I do get that. And I am not discounting the ability to make the same person continue to be interesting after a lot of years of sex with them. That is a real thing. However, it’s not just about sex for me. It’s a psychological thing. I like the way different people react to me. I am so in love with the feeling of people falling in love with me. I am seduced by the act of seduction. I love new experiences through the eyes of new people.

So these are my reasons for being unwilling to enter into a monogamous relationship any longer. I used to allow people to make me feel guilty about these things. I used to let them push me into feeling like I was somehow wrong inside, and that my way of thinking wasn’t okay. But I don’t let people push me around anymore.

I am currently in several relationships. Some are just sexual. Three involve real feelings, and are real relationships complete with love and trust. Each relationship I am in is very important to me. I value each of the people who let me share a part of their lives, and I make sure to show them in every way I can that they mean a great deal to me.

The relationship that means the most to me is with my collared Pet. That is because I love to create cool experiences for people, and I love how adventurous Pet is. He will try anything to impress me, and he usually has fun. I really love open-minded people. And Pet is more than open-minded. He’s excited to be put in situations, even if he may not like them, because he wants to try things before deciding he doesn’t like them. And he’s great to share girls with because he doesn’t get jealous or make things complicated.

Now, I have been told that if we can so casually sleep with other people, it means we don’t love each other. I have tried to be understanding of why people say this, but really it’s just getting frustrating at this point. I love Pet passionately. I love the way he thinks, I love the way he acts, I love his sense of humor, and I love his body. There isn’t anything about him that doesn’t make me swoon. And Pet loves me, too. Our other relationships don’t diminish this in any way, and they never have. (We have always been Poly.)

I didn’t want to write this post. I just got tired of being told by people who don’t understand my relationship that it isn’t a valid life choice. My life choices are my own, and I will never judge you. Please afford me the same courtesy.