Fetish Series: Review

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It’s been fun doing a series that explores some fetishes in the kink community. I hope you have enjoyed reading! I know that there are about a million more fetishes that we didn’t talk about, and new ones pop up all the time.

However, I just wanted to touch on some of the most talked about fetishes and explore what a fetish is.

If you have suggestions for future posts about a specific fetish, e-mail them to me and I will consider them.

For now, let’s go back to my regular writing about kink life.

Fetish Series posts:

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One: Age play.

(A discussion of different kinds of play related to age as a fetish.)

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Two: Swinging & Orgies.

(A discussion of swinging, orgies, and other forms of group play.)

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Three: Clothes.

(A discussion of various clothing-related fetishes.)

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Four: Impact Play.

(A discussion of whips, paddles, and spankings.)

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Five: Bondage.

(A discussion of bondage and various ways to go about it.)

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Six: Role Play.

(A discussion of types of role play a couple/group might engage in.)

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Seven: Bodily Fluids.

(A discussion of body fluids as a fetish, from blood to scat.)

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Eight: Pushing Boundaries.

(A discussion of more extreme things that are fetisized by some.)

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Nine: Pictures and video.

(A discussion of pictures and video as a fetish, and why you should be cautios of this.)

Make sure to like and comment on the ones you thought were the most interesting!

Introduction to Fetishes

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Note: This is the last entry on the lecture series that I was hired to do. I just wanted to share this information with all of you. I will be doing the actual workshops in California in April, but as I was preparing them I wanted to make them available to all of you wonderful people who follow me. Thank you for your support. 

Introduction to Kink: Fetishes

When you think of kink, what you are really thinking of are fetishes. So what is a fetish? It is something that a person finds sexually exciting, but which is not considered to be part of the mainstream sources of sexual stimulation. We’re all turned on by different things, and many of us are turned on by things that we may not even understand. That’s okay. This is just a little information about some of the most popular fetishes, and what they are all about.

Anal Sex: Most young people do not even consider this a fetish anymore. Anal sex has become pretty mainstream, though I am sure it would turn our grandparents hair if they knew. I think it is exciting to people because it is considered to be forbidden, and also because for men it stimulates the prostate gland, which is sort of like their G-Spot.

Bondage: Obviously this can be as simple as using whatever is handy to tie a person’s hands together, or as complicated as shibari (Japanese rope bondage.) Some people who love to be bound are fine with a simple restraint like gear ties, and some desperately want to feel the experience of being slowly worked into an elaborate set of knotwork. Either way, the pleasure is from the experience of being bound, and from the restriction of movement that comes with it.

Impact Play: This can be something a simple as a bare-hand spanking, or as complicated as paddles and whips. It is simply the joy you feel when you are hit with something. Impact play is one of the most common fetishes, and I think even most vanilla people like the idea of spanking.

Electrical Play: This is often using something like a Violet Wand of Tens unit. My Pet really loves electricity and electrical play, and many people find the sensations enjoyable. It’s the involuntary stimulation of muscles, the feeling of the electricity in the air, and a whole host of feelings related to the joy of electricity. Please note that it is very important to do this safely with toys made for electrical play. It is not safe or in any way okay to use things not designed for electrical play. I don’t care if you felt sexually aroused when you saw someone hooked up t a car battery in a movie. You cannot do this in real life. You will stop your heart.

Role Play: There are lots of different kinds of role-play. Many people enjoy playing out rape scenes because of the involuntary nature of the concept, which allows them to play with ideas they wouldn’t play with in “real life.” Others enjoy playing scenes involving age discrepancy, such as adult baby play, daddy-daughter play, or teacher-student play. As long as these scenes are negotiated in advance, there is nothing wrong with enjoying whatever fetish turns you on, but please remember that everything needs to be safe, sane, and consensual.

Furries: The media often portrays furries as too strange for words, and it’s unfortunate that these people are denigrated so much in popular culture just because they enjoy dressing up as animals to have sex. It’s about getting in touch with a more primal nature, and realizing that humans are animals, no matter how evolved we think we are. And for people who find their own bodies unattractive, it’s a safe place to hide (inside a suit) and be something other than themselves.

Feminization: Many men enjoy being forced into traditionally feminine roles, such as wearing female clothes or being forced to do housework. I think this is a reflection of how society lets women be “tomboys” while simultaneously forbidding men from showing any hint of femininity. I am sure you’re seeing by now that the main theme is taboo. If something is forbidden, it is bound to be fetishized.

Foot Fetishes: This is perhaps one of the oldest fetishes, and there have been many incarnations of this fetish. Some have argued that foot binding in China was a result of men having a fetish about feet. I personally have a friend who is really into feet, and also socks (particularly those with stripes) and shoes (particularly those with straps.) Foot worship, boot worship, boot blacking, and all related fetishes seem to be related to the idea that feet are an overlooked part of the body. Certainly they have a lot of nerves, so if you find yourself with someone who enjoys feet, you may enjoy it more than you expect.

Hook Suspension: There are groups all over of folks who like to be hung from hooks that are carefully placed under the skin. I saw my first hook suspension when I was seventeen, and I remember being shocked at how much the skin on the subject’s back could stretch. It must have been 12 to 14 inches off of his back, and yet somehow it was still attached. I admire the peace that people seem to find when they engage in hook suspension, and it does look like a very spiritual experience. However, like many folks, I worry too much about skin damage (scars and potential infections) so I prefer to watch.

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Note: This is a very short list of just a few fetishes that are common. There are lots of fetishes, and it seems to me that as society accepts more and more things, fetishes get stranger and stranger (to accommodate the need to taboo). I think the key is not to judge “strange” as “bad.” Strange and weird things can be wonderful and enjoyable, and there is no reason to fear something just because you have never done it before.

There are many fetish lists available online, but of course, none of them are comprehensive because there will always be something else that someone else fins sexy. That’s not a bad thing. The difficult part is to find someone  who is willing to indulge your fetishes, and to be able to communicate those fetishes effectively to your partner. It’s also important to be able to manage your disappointment, because no matter how much someone loves you, they imply may not be comfortable with you peeing on them. It’s important to respect the fact that just because you like something, doesn’t mean someone has to do it for you.

It’s also important to remember that just because something looked exciting to you in a pornographic move, that doesn’t mean you will enjoy it in real life. You may watch needle play in a video and think the blood is sexy, but in reality perhaps you are worried about germs and infections, and you don’t really want that done to you. It’s okay to find something exciting and still not want to do it. That’s the beauty of fantasy.

Limits

The key to experiencing fetishes is to find where your limits are. You have to really evaluate what you are comfortable with having done to your body. No one can tell you (and no one should try to tell you) what you are okay with. It’s a journey that we all have to take on our own.

It’s also important to note that you may change your mind over time. You can start out with limits in one place, and as you go through life, you might reevaluate where your limits are and push them farther. There is nothing at all wrong with changing your mind about what you are okay with. There is nothing at all wrong with thinking something is disgusting at first, and then coming around to wanting to try it years later. Don’t judge people whose limits are in different places than yours, as your own limits may move over time.

Summary

A fetish is nothing more than a thing that you find sexually arousing. It’s not a frightening thing, or a thing to be judged for. Many fetishes are based in acts that are considered taboo by mainstream people, and this is to be expected. Remember that you are the only person who can decide what you are comfortable with, and that you should never let anyone make you feel bad for the things that you find sexually exciting. We are all on our own journeys, and it’s important to remember that you can’t understand someone else’s journey because you haven’t lived through the things that they have lived through. Tolerance and understanding are key in the kink community, and I hope you will all remember to do your best to be open-minded about new ideas, and to show compassion to those who are different. That, more than anything else, is the spirit of the kink community.

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New Idea

Gear Ties

Gear Ties

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I like rope as much as the next person, but sometimes it takes too much time. That’s why I love these Gear Ties I discovered awhile ago. They’re metal with a soft rubber outside, and they work so well for tying a person quickly.

If you’re really into rope then I guess they might not be your thing. And leather cuffs are prettier if you’re worried about that. Of course the best is some awesome bondage furniture to play on with leather straps. BUT if you can’t get any of those things, some of these works great!

Worth Remembering

A really good memory

 

I got a request to write about some of the really good experiences I have had in the BDSM community over the years. There are a lot to choose from- of course. But it seems my favorites are the ones that I had with people just coming into the community.

I think I am somewhat indifferent to life. I don’t mean to be- and we don’t need to worry about why. However, life just kind of goes by for me, and I exist in it somewhat happily and without a lot of thought. The exception is when something make s a huge impression on someone I am with. That helps me make a memory.

So here is an example. This is a boy I played with a few years ago. He was new to the community and he hadn’t really gotten to know anyone yet. Some people who are like that are shy and hard to pull information out of. This boy was not, so I’ll call him Mr. Adventurous.

I brought up rope one week. He identified as a switch, and I told him that if he wanted to be a good Dom he should look into shibari. After all, rope play is a way to take a scene slowly, and show care and concern for your submissive while making something beautiful at the same time. It’s very elegant and sexy. I explained that to Mr. Adventurous.

The next week, he turned up with a ton of rope (see picture above) and showed me how he had learned several different types of knots and a few cool wrap methods like a basket weave. He had watched Youtube videos and practiced on himself! Yes, that’s right. I said he practiced on himself. He sat there all week fascinated with the idea of rope play, and tried various ties on his legs. How cool is that? He even researched online to find good places to buy rope for bondage and ordered some. (A good place for that, by the way, is Twisted Monk).

I have to admit, there’s nothing like a brilliant guy who can obsess over something until he gets it right. He was so excited to try rope play that it made me excited about it- and I usually don’t have the patience for such an elaborate and time-consuming craft.

I have brought a lot of people into the community over the years. Yes, that’s mostly because I like to p lay with younger men and women. I only feel as young as the person who polishes my boots, after all.  But of all the people I have ever introduced to the community, this man was the very best and most impressive. I have never met anyone more eager to learn and more excited to try new fun stuff.

So the moral of this story is: If you want to get into the community, remember to try to seek out new experiences.  Don’t wait for someone to explain every little thing to you! Do your own research and ask questions and give new things a try!  Life is way more fun when you go out and grab it, instead of waiting for it to come to you.

Kinky Punishment

Ancient Korean Flogging Punishment

 

So my brother came to visit from the USA and we headed to some historical sites and see some touristy things. In a Korean Folk Village, we came across this.

I feel like I could have a lot of fun in this room…

 

Just a room with a cross to tie someone to and various things to paddle someone with. Turns out spanking and paddling was a government punishment in Korea’s past. So kinky…

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Sensory Deprivation 101

I love this blindfold and will make my next submissive wear it!

Before I start, I’d like to remind you all that these are just techniques that I use, and they don’t necessarily work for everyone. I’m just here to give you ideas- but no one said I am right.

Quote: “Can you speak up- I don’t have my glasses on.” My friend said this to me, and as silly as it sounds, it made perfect sense to me. She was having trouble hearing me because she couldn’t see, and her body was freaking out and being confused. She felt helpless. That helpless feeling is a step in the right direction to putting someone into subspace.

First, let’s talk about blindfolding your partner. This can be difficult. It’s not always easy to find a blindfold that will fit your partner. However, there are many advantages to having someone unable to see. Sight is something we depend on a great deal. Without it, a submissive can’t always tell where I am, or what toy I am about to use on them. I find many submissives enjoy that feeling of suspense.

So what are some good things to do when a submissive can’t see you? I’ll be honest- I’m somewhat of a sadist. I like to hurt them in ways they didn’t see coming. It’s fun to hear someone gasp when they’ve just been bitten on the nipple completely unexpectedly. It’s fun to see someone squirm in pain when they’ve been spanked unexpectedly. Again, that’s just me.

You might choose to be more sensual with it. Feathers are good to tease people, as well as ice cubes, and knives. (Please use the dull side to avoid accidentally cutting your sub when they jump or get startled!)

In addition to blindfolds, there are lots of other ways to deny your partner the senses they depend on. I enjoy using a gag, because even if someone does not usually speak, there is a big difference between choosing not to speak and not being able to speak (taking away choices can be sexy). I’d like to caution people though: Non-verbal safe words are very important. Make sure you talk to your partner about a way for them to signal that they are unhappy (yellow light) and a way to signal that they want to end the scene (red light).

On that note, I am going to get up on a soap box for one minute because I had a conversation with someone that made me need to express this often and assertively: It is okay to use a safe word. It’s not a failure. It’s not being a bad sub. If you want me to stop, say so! I think all responsible Dominant-types are always perfectly happy to stop whatever they are doing immediately if their partner wishes it- no matter what. There should never be disappointment associated with using a safe word. It’s a learning experience and those are important.

Sorry. I’m climbing down off my soap box now. Back to tips and tricks for gagging your partner. Once you establish a non-verbal safe word such as the stiffening of the spine or the tapping on a foot on the ground, then you’re ready to gag your submissive. Some people really like to get creative with this. They like to use their sub’s underwear as a gag, or some other found object in a house. I personally use a ball gag, because I am lazy. Toys made for the purpose are easier than improvised toys, in my humble opinion. That is just a matter of personal taste.

For me, it’s much easier to play with verbal degradation when my sub is gagged. I feel like, even if they wouldn’t talk back while their mouth was unobstructed, it’s easier for me to tell them what a dirty little fuck-toy they look like while they are unable to respond. I also enjoy flogging more when my sub is gagged, because they can’t really scream properly. The same goes for pegging. It’s much more fun when they make those strangled, helpless noises through their nose because they can’t call out. (Also, the neighbors probably appreciate it.)

Obviously I’ve talked before about rope, and that is another good way to take some of your submissive’s freedom. Not letting them touch you (particularly when they are bound) can be very intense. It lets you be in control of every touch that happens between you. No matter how much they want to reach out for you, they can not.

Of course, you can combine these various things, and have fun with them in various ways. It’s a lot of fun to keep a submissive’s blindfold on the whole time they are at your house, for example. So, when they want to go pee, they will have to feel their way around while you watch and chuckle (but keep an eye on them!). You can even leave them gagged and blindfolded, only letting their hands and feet free. Feeding someone while they are blindfolded is interesting, too.

At any rate, remember that the bottom line is always safety. Never forget to be attentive to your sub and always check often that they are okay. Also remember that respect is key. Have respect for the people who are willing to submit to you, and treat them well.