Public Service Announcement

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Hey guys.

This isn’t even a kinky post. All the whips and chains in the world can’t save bad sex. So, I want to talk a little about something that I find comes up far more than it should when talking to men.

Recently a man said to me that he “is really good with a dildo.”

I paused.

No amount of stalling for time helped; there was nothing I could say to that. It was clear from the context that he has a smaller-than-average penis, and he was describing penetrating his girlfriend with a dildo instead of this small penis because he thought she liked it.

*Sigh*

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Now, Look:

I don’t know her, and so I’ll allow that there is the slightest chance that she did like it. However, the much more likely scenario is that she (as the submissive in the relationship) liked that he liked it, but also secretly wished he would stop. According to all the scientific studies out there (and my own experience) more than 90% of women cannot orgasm from penetration alone.

Too many guys are out there fucking a girl or ramming her with a dildo and expecting that action to get her off, and guys, it doesn’t work like that.

I’d like to recommend two really good books about sex that can help you make better choices if you want to please your female partner:

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Bonk by Mary Roach is a hilarious book about the science of sex, and it’s also very informative.

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She Comes First by Ian Kerner is also a super-helpful book that describes the mechanism of the female orgasm in detail, and the anatomy behind it.

Basically, women have something called a clitoris that is outside of the vagina (well, the exposed tip of it is on the outside.)

Most of us cannot achieve orgasm without direct stimulation of this part of our anatomy.

Not only that, but many women experience pain from penetration due to endometriosis, PCOS, menopause, uterine fibriods, and a host of other issues that make penetrative sex very uncomfortable.

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Women (particularly the submissive ones) are sometimes terrified to tell you this. I have seen men rage at the very suggestion that they are not pleasing their partner, even when I knew from the mouth of the woman that this was the case.

In fact, several of my more submissive female friends have asked me to gently talk to their significant other about how women orgasm and about how most women do not like it when you pound away on them with a dildo, your dick, or anything else you may want to thrust repeatedly and thoughtlessly into them.

Women like vibrators, though. The bigger, the better. Think of the Magic Wand. This is something that you –yes you!– can use on your submissive to make her orgasm.

Instead of pounding away on her poor vagina, you can use this to actually make her vagina wet!

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Not all women like vibrators. Some prefer a tongue. Some are okay with fingers being used if they are used carefully and with lube (remember: the tip of the clitoris has more nerve endings that your entire penis so don’t be rough unless she asks you to!)

However, you do need to stimulate a woman’s clitoris in order to make her orgasm in most cases. This is not a complicated fact, and the man in question (who is nearly 50 years old!) really should have known better than to be pounding away on his poor girlfriend for hours on end with a dildo. Yes, a submissive often thinks that pleasing you is hot. But, she still deserves for you to take her anatomy into consideration when you do sex stuff to her.

So please, straight men, get your shit together. Stop thrusting uselessly into dry vaginas. Instead, help your partner achieve orgasm before the penetration part of sex, so she is more likely to find it enjoyable.

Stop watching porn made by men for men and thinking that is a good way to learn about sex. Learn about a women’s anatomy instead, and guarantee that no one has to fake another orgasm with you.

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Trying to date Vanilla Folks

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(Note: I should disclose that I am on some antibiotics that are making me feel pretty bad right now. So if I sound meaner than usual, I guess that’s why.) 

I’ve mentioned already how I am currently living on the island of Guam, and how there is a distinct lack of kinky folks here. So as a result, I’ve been talking to some vanilla people.

Now, I know that some vanilla folks are curious and might want to try kink stuff, so I don’t dismiss them out-of-hand. You never know what someone might want to try, and people can surprise you.

However, I do state on all my online dating profiles that I AM kinky, and that I am looking for a kinky partner. Ergo, it would seem to me that it’s obvious enough that I am not looking for someone who wants to have the kind of sex that will bore me. (And I know not all kinky folks are bored by vanilla sex, but without some sort of power dynamic, I can’t seem to get aroused.)

So I bring it up with the vanilla folks who flirt with me. I ask if there is anything they are curious about, or if they have any legitimate interest in kinky sex. And thus far, they have seemed not only disinterested, but frightened.

So I suggest looking up fetish lists or kink worksheets online. I suggest reading up on BDSM to see if they might have interests they are as of yet unaware of.

Thus far, my experience has been that vanilla people are judgmental of my lifestyle and afraid of what it might entail.

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In addition to being judgmental and frightened, a lot of them just kind of bum me out. Here are a few things I have actually had said to me by more than one person:

“Well, there’s about 10 guys to every woman on island, so it’s impossible to get laid here.”

(Let’s talk about how it is not my responsibility to “get you laid.” Your insecurity over not usually being the one guy out of ten that a girl will pick makes you sound unattractive to say the least.)

“I mean, she gave me a blowjob so I guess it was worth going out with her. But then she wanted me to go down on her and I was like NO.”

(You are literally telling me up front that you are a selfish lover and I will get no pleasure from sleeping with you.) 

“I dunno, I mean, I’ll try everything once; but I’m not really into all that weird stuff.”

(You are implying a judgement of my lifestyle while yet again making yourself sound awful in bed.)

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I can’t figure out how guys think that saying things like this to me will make me want them. First, if you’re a guy who expects blowjobs but won’t go down on a girl, then you suck. A lot. And no girl will want you. I don’t agree with all the things they say (because every girl is different and I don’t like what they like in bed) but I think Tammy and Nicole make a great point in their piece “How To Eat Pussy;”

“When a woman finds a man who gives good head, she’s found a treasure she’s not going to let go of too quickly. This is one rare customer and she knows it. She won’t even tell her girlfriends about it or that guy will become the most popular man in town.”

So look vanilla guys, bragging about how you don’t give head is just sad. I expect oral sex. And I expect a lot more on top of that.

What I imagine when a vanilla guy tells me that he doesn’t even go down on girls is sex like I had when I was 13. Awkward, devoid of orgasm (again people, as Mary Roach writes about in the non-fiction science book Bonk: MOST WOMEN CAN NOT HAVE VAGINAL ORGASMS,) and boring. I’m expecting that you will probably want to kiss a lot (not one of my favorite things), then maybe play with my nipples or something, and then have penetrative sex until YOU get off, while I lay there bored and unfulfilled.

So why would I want that?

Well the answer is that I don’t. I really, really don’t. I could have more fun staying home and watching Porn.

So please guys, if you are vanilla, don’t bother to write to me thinking that I’m going to save you from your sexless life on Guam and give you a pity fuck. I am a slut, but that doesn’t mean I am the slightest bit interested in bad sex. I call myself a slut because I LOVE sex. I enjoy it, and I seek it out often. I like sex clubs like The Velvet Rope, Club Desire, and Club Sesso. I like new and different ways of playing, like the toys invented by Doctor Xtreme.

If you want to impress me, then why don’t you learn a little about kink before you talk to me, and then list specific things you are interested in? As I have said, there are loads of lists online. I recommend the CEPE printable list because it’s comprehensive. But you can look through anything kink-related you like to get ideas.

The key thing to remember is that there is always a power dynamic in the background, and that is what makes kink so exciting. It’s as much in your head as it is outside of your head with whips and chains. And it’s fair to say that if you’re not into it at all, then you probably never will be.

So in spite of your apparent lack of options, I still recommend you find someone else. I know that sounds harsh and I’m sorry, but I’m not having sex with someone just because they’re desperate. I want to have sex I can enjoy too. And I’m not going to compromise my desires for you.

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